


BLUE

by Hichanchen, Smut_Hemingway



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: 2won, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Bottom Chae Hyungwon, College, Complete, Coping, Dealing With Loss, Depression, Family Problems, Fluff, Hoseok is an angel-like human, HyungWonho - Freeform, Hyungwon has a skin disease, Hyungwon is a subby potato, Kihyun is personality goals, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Past Relationship(s), Plot Twists, Poor Student Hoseok, Sad Crack, Slow Burn, Smut, Student Hyungwon, Top Shin Hoseok | Wonho, Trauma, Well researched, because real life is sad but also crack, college but it's not the point, depressive thought patterns, don't be scared no one dies, it's a complex topic, mental health matters, possible coping strategies, scientifically accurate, you can smell Hoseok's dominance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-30
Updated: 2018-09-06
Packaged: 2019-06-18 05:15:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 220,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15478452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hichanchen/pseuds/Hichanchen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smut_Hemingway/pseuds/Smut_Hemingway
Summary: Hoseok is a handsome and outgoing student who is forced to work a lot to pay for his living expenses while dealing with an issue from 4 years ago. He is scared of himself and not able to commit to a relationship, until he meets the shy, black-haired student and drowns in the strange, complex but also mesmerizing mixture that is Hyungwon.Hyungwon has struggled with depression for as long as he can remember, drowning in his destructive thinking patterns and hating himself for not getting his life in order. Meeting the easy-going pharmacology student named Hoseok, teaches him that worth is not necessarily defined by the outside and that not every thought is carved into stone.Dealing with insecurities, anxiety and depression, both try to overcome their inner demons together.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,
> 
> a **video teaser** for this story has been published which you can watch [HERE.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1giK59Sfvew&t=6s)  
>  With 'BLUE' we hope to give an insight into the perspective of someone who is suffering from depression and to contribute to a better understanding of the illness and possible strategies.
> 
>  
> 
> We are really hoping that you will enjoy this story as much as our previous works if not more and will be able to learn something from it.  
> We write one character each, also if it is the perspective of the respective other character  
> @Hichanchen writes Hyungwon (and Minhyuk + Hyunwoo) and  
> @Smut_Hemingway writes Wonho/Hoseok (and Kihyun)  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)

Hoseok groaned loudly, threw the script to the side and buried his face in both of his palms. It was simply unfair that chemistry was so fucking complex. Why couldn't humans create medication without the mass of formulas and other unnecessary stuff nobody was interested in?

_Stuff you're not interested in. You still have to do it, genius._

He sighed and picked the script up, glancing at it as if it eradicated his whole family and did him dirty on so many levels.

_Which it did._

Opening the page with the tiny blue post-it note he sighed once again, frustrated by the complexity and the amount of resources it cost to get the difficult formulations into his head, hereby trying to make sense of the written word and put it into perspective.

_Maybe you should've just danced instead of studying?_

Not that he didn't consider it, he did, he just wasn't good enough and most definitely not motivated enough to practice multiple hours a day.

_Will you ever be able to make money like this?_

The question was obsolete because he didn't have much of a choice. Hoseok's parents weren't rich at all and his younger brother also just finished school and had to go to college, which emptied his parents monetary resources faster than he could do push-ups.

And he was really fast.

Thankfully he had a part time job at a nearby pharmacy where the owner paid pretty well because he was majoring in the field. He was extremely thankful that he wasn't forced to work at a coffee shop, like Kihyun.

The door opened with a loud screech and without any prior notice.

“You, call and order pizza, we don't have anything and you got paid yesterday.” Kihyun, his flatmate who majored in English Literature, lacked a lot of things, height, money and most importantly basic human etiquette.

“Fuck you, I ordered yesterday, it's your turn, I might suck at chemistry but I remember every fucking thing that's not related to my studies,” Hoseok replied and gestured for the brown-haired man to fuck off.

“Come on, Hoseok, don't be a bitch, I'll get paid next week, I'll buy then, you make more money than me.” Kihyun walked into the room, placed a packed cookie on his desk and slapped his arm painfully. “I bought this for you so you can choke, die and then I’ll get the apartment in the end.”

“You'd have to pay for it, you idiot. But thank you, I'll order in a bit,” he sighed but smiled right after.

_You are not able to say no, are you?_

He wasn't, his life consisted of being friendly towards his friends, his parents, his brother, his boss, the professors and random people he didn't even know. He just couldn't help it. He must've been a nice person or something.

_You're not a nice person._

The alarm on his phone went off reminding him of the fact that he had to work in half an hour.

_You have no memory capacity for the important things but you can rap the whole J.Cole album._

_Fucking genius._

Closing the script quickly he ran over to the wardrobe and slipped into black pants and a white shirt, thankfully his choice of clothes didn't really matter as he had to wear a gown over it anyway.

Stuffing a twenty euro bill into Kihyun's underwear, he slipped into his black chucks, tying the laces quickly. The other man cursed him out for about two minutes straight after he had attempted to pull the money out.

_If life isn't fun, you have to make it fun. Simple as that._

Thank God it didn't rain as he walked while observing the people passing by. There was a woman with a stroller who was talking to her kid in a high-pitched voice while trying to prevent it from throwing away its shoe. He chuckled and grinned at the kid. There were men in suits going back to their offices after a lunch break and he was happy that he could look around a bit instead of the usual running, simply because he didn't own an umbrella even though he lived in Amsterdam.

Arriving at the small pharmacy he greeted the owner and went to the back, changing into the gown and looking over the prescriptions that were due for picking up that day.

_Shitloads. Yay._

Despite this, it was still more fun than studying for his biomedical sciences degree. He could talk to people and hear a lot of stories while preparing the prescribed medication. Some of the customers were almost like old friends, like Susan, the one grandma who got her arthritis medication regularly for the past three years and considered him her grandson. She even brought self-made cake for him once, but Kihyun ate most of it. Greedy bitch.

_He needs to grow, Hoseok._

Laughing at his own thoughts he walked to the front and took over from the owner who patted his shoulder gently and thanked him.

Hoseok really liked working there.

The shift went pretty well, he managed to do almost everything and Susan, his grandma friend brought him two caramel waffles. Life was beautiful.

Biting into the crunchy, sweet dessert he closed his eyes briefly to feel the amazement at finally being able to eat something after starving for three hours, but the front door made a sound, accompanied by the loud ringing of the bell and he was forced to open his eyes again and swallow the piece of waffle he had been chewing.

A slim, tall figure walked in, dressed in a loose-fitting black shirt and equally black pants. Long sleeves were covering the thin arms although it was way too hot for it. The man's gaze was focused on the floor despite the fact that there wasn't anything worth looking at.

The posture didn't allow Hoseok to see the customer’s face, black bangs hanging into the thin man's eyes. He looked young and Hoseok was pretty sure that he hadn't seen the dude before.

_He is so thin, maybe he also needs a waffle._

“Good afternoon, how can I help you?” he asked while still chewing his waffle and trying to lick the honey from his teeth. Hoseok’s professional attitude wasn’t exemplary, but he was beautiful and so was his smile.

The other guy just looked up briefly, glancing at him for about a second before he focused his gaze on his own hands. Fumbling a little he placed a slightly crumpled prescription onto the counter.

“Do you think you could make this today? I'll wait,” he mumbled and rubbed over his index finger with his thumb, pulling at the skin a little.

_Cute._

Hoseok glanced at the prescription and typed the ingredients into the system, checking whether he had everything, which he did. After adding the new customer’s name, ‘Chae Hyungwon’, into the database he smiled once again to take the nervousness away.

“Sure, I think I'll need ten minutes, it's not hard.” After printing the prescription sheet he grinned at the black-haired customer. “Want a honey waffle?”

Again large eyes settled on his as the thin guy appeared absolutely baffled by the offer. His ridiculously full lips parted to reply but no sound came out. Shaking his head quickly the boy named Hyungwon walked to the side and sat on one of the two chairs at the wall, fumbling with his fingers.

Something about the tall guy was really adorable, Hoseok couldn't say exactly what it was, the way he had played with his fingers or how he got ridiculously shy only because of his offer. Chuckling he went to the back, preparing the skin meds for the emo guy.

It was pretty easy as it was a corticosteroid cream, so he did what he always did, finishing the mixing in five minutes and packing everything up. He couldn't refrain from putting a post-it on the package.

‘You should've taken the waffle, it's delicious.’

Walking into the sales area, he spotted the tall guy and closed the distance, rocking one of his brightest smiles.

“Done,” he commented and shook the package for effect “Do you know how to use it?”

“Mmh,” the tall guy merely replied and stood up. Stopping in front of the counter, he played with his fingers and waited for Hoseok to hand him the cream, pulling his wallet out of the back pocket of his jeans.

“Amazing, so you always talk using humming only?” Hoseok chuckled and studied the black-haired guy’s facial expression. He was very handsome, big eyes and thick, red lips complimented the dude's golden skin tone.

“No- I'm sorry. I'm just- ehm, not used to being talked to at the pharmacy,” Hyungwon mumbled quickly and pulled out a ten euro note.

_What?_

“And I'm not used to people acting as if I'm scary, which I'm not. Or am I?” Hoseok leaned closer and tried to look past the shy customer’s pitch-black bangs.

That seemed to have been unexpected as the big eyes widened and the black-haired guy stepped back.

“N-no, sorry, I'm just awkward.” Pursing his plump lips, Hyungwon walked closer to the counter again and looked up, more colour present in his face than before. “Could I have a bag, too?”

“Wow, you're demanding, but sure, for you always.” Grinning brightly he packed the meds into a small bag and handed it to the tall guy. As soon as his big bony hand tried to grab it Hoseok pulled it back and chuckled. “Just joking, you don't need to be awkward. I'm Hoseok by the way.” He smiled again and placed the bag into Hyungwon's hand.

“Ehm, Hyungwon, but yeah you already know ‘cause- the prescription. Thanks.” Hiding his face again, the black-haired guy pulled the small plastic bag to his chest and basically ran out of the pharmacy, steps fast and quick.

He couldn't help himself, laughing like a maniac he stuffed the abandoned waffle into his mouth and let himself fall onto the chair.

_Hilarious. What a cute chopstick dude._

Hoseok loved awkward people.

_

 

A six was a satisfactory grade, satisfactory meant he passed, passing was a good thing, in conclusion he did an amazing job.

_Hoseok, you're a genius._

He was and he passed his exam which made him ridiculously happy. It was over, fucking finally. Annoying things that ended had to be celebrated. It was a rule.

“Hoseok, don't eat those, there's weed inside, you'll throw up, you softie,” Kihyun shouted while pointing at a big plate of chocolate muffins.

_Too bad._

“Fine, just get me some vodka instead,” he screamed back at his friend and made his way to the bathroom, squeezing through between people who were talking, dancing and drinking until he arrived at the door which was blocked by two dudes making out. He would've opened it but something caught his attention. The one guy was tall, rather slim judging by the tight pants and shirt. His black hair was spread over his forehead when he turned around and stared at Hoseok with his big brown eyes.

_Isn't it the dude from the pharmacy? The chopstick dude? Won or something?_

He must've stared so persistently that the chopstick dude realized. He wanted to say something but then the tall guy licked over his full, red lips which spread in a quite nasty grin right after and scanned him from head to toe.

_Well, that's some borderline personality change isn't it?_

“Sorry, we'll continue somewhere else,” the familiar low voice commented. With a flirty simile and a wink the handsome man turned around and pulled the slightly smaller guy after himself.

Hoseok didn't move, still a little shocked at the encounter. No matter how much he thought about it, he couldn't have imagined the shy chopstick dude making out with another dude at a party.

_Well, but now you know that he's gay. And that he's not shy. Not at all._

Hoseok smiled to himself as it had been a little disappointing to see the Won guy act like that. The nasty ones were not really his type as he was perfectly nasty and flirty by himself, but he didn't see the chopstick guy for two weeks either way, so it had been pointless from the start.

_You're at a party and you passed your exam, you should be fucking someone in the bathroom already instead of obsessing over a pharmacy customer._

That was so true and he knew it, so he hurried up to come back to Kihyun and get his well deserved double shot of vodka. After a while it started to get fun, conversations were suddenly interesting and colours blurred in his vision, turning everything into an undefined euphoric mess. It was nice like this.

He danced to the incredibly loud music and downed another shot before going over to a small crowd of people. His bright smile and easy going attitude had been successful, such that he thankfully didn't have to smile anymore, moving his tongue inside another person's mouth instead. Making out was admittedly much more fun than talking. It always was.

The other boy was a little taller than him, lean and handsome, just the way he liked it.

_Jackpot._

Biting into the soft neck he looked up and pulled one of his beautiful smiles before licking his lips tentatively.

“Wanna stop here or…?” he asked and smirked, focusing his gaze on the soft facial features and stared from under his blonde bangs. The black-haired boy shook his head furiously while curling his hands around Hoseok's waist, pressing himself closer in the process. He didn't want to stop.

_Of course he doesn't._

It was so easy, going home while showing interest, stroking over the other man's pale hand here and there and smiling brightly, friendly and understanding. He didn't act or anything, it was just one of the possible behaviours in that situation, and he wanted the slim, handsome guy to feel good.

_

 

Hoseok’s head hurt like a bitch, because he shouldn't have mixed vodka with beer. It was never a good idea.

_You shouldn't have drank in the first place if you work at ten you genius._

Also true. He tried to move but it was a little hard because of the hot body lying halfway on top of him. It was warm, too warm. He hated it. The next morning had always been his least favourite part in hooking up with people. Affection, unrealistic expectations and headaches. That was basically it. He didn't need any of it.

Peeling the thin arms from his chest he tried to move away but the grip just tightened instead of loosening. He wanted to say something but he had no idea what the dude’s name was. Something with M? Max? Marcel? Michael? He had no fucking clue and there was also no way to know.

_Fuck this. Just tell him you need to work, which is true._

“Good morning, you can stay a little longer, I just really need to go to work,” Hoseok said in his husky morning voice while trying to sound warm and friendly. Too bad the M-guy didn't give a single fuck and just curled his whole body around his side, erection pressing into his thigh.

_Oh come on._

“Can't you just stay a little longer, you're so warm,” the cute voice answered somewhere next to his ear.

_No you can't because you fucking hate it._

“Sorry, it was really nice and your body is beautiful but I have to work.” He used strength to free himself and slipped into new underwear, tight black pants and a light blue shirt. “We have coffee, see you around,” Hoseok commented and waved at the naked guy in his bed, who he didn't even know the name of.

And he didn't even need to know the name of, apparently.

_

He put on his gown and carried himself to the counter although his body screamed at him to drink five litres of water and sleep for another ten hours. He was silently hoping that Susan would come to bring him a stroopwafel to forget his misery. Instead the door opened with the loud ringing of the bell that seemed to rip open his ear drums and a tall, slim figure appeared.

It was the same guy, the one he had met before and the one he had seen shamelessly making out in front of the bathroom. Just that all of the bravado seemed to disappear in daylight, only leaving the long fingers that fumbled with a plain white sweatshirt and eyes that remained focused on the ground instead of Hoseok’s face.

Coming closer to the counter the tall guy finally looked up as his eyes widened a little at the sight of Hoseok’s face. Funnily enough it wasn't the type of surprise when you don't expect something but it happens, instead it was the kind when you do expect it but still can't believe it's actually there.

_Why is he so weird? He was grinning into your face yesterday._

“Ah, welcome back, I see you also didn't get enough sleep yesterday, or did you?” Hoseok leaned in and examined the soft features closely. The tall man was extremely handsome, big brown eyes, long eyelashes, very soft facial features and thick, plump lips. There were dark circles under the pretty eyes, which was normal after that kind of night. Hoseok knew it too well.

“How-” the guy began before shutting up again, probably realising that he looked tired and returning his gaze to the counter. “I-I'm sorry. I'd like eye drops against hay fever, please.”

_Wait what?_

Hoseok was too tired and had too much vodka the night before so he simply cracked up, laughing out loud and slapping the guy's shoulder in the process.

“Why would you be sorry? It's nice to have some fun, I'm not judging you. You have hayfever? Holy fuck, everything is blooming, that must suck,” he said after catching himself and looking into the handsome face once again. Something seemed different, was it the attitude? Or the way the other guy held himself? Hoseok didn't really know, but it seemed different from his behaviour at the party.

A low chuckle left his customer's plump mouth, the sound a little dark and unexpected before the handsome guy looked quickly.

“Yeah- I guess,” he murmured eventually and began to pull at his ring finger with the thumb and index finger of his right hand. A few seconds of silence passed, only broken by a quiet sigh. “Do you- do you always work here?” The question must have been hard to pronounce with how the other man's slim shoulders tensed and white teeth settled down on his full bottom lip right after.

Hoseok looked up and lifted an eyebrow, lips spreading slowly.

“Why? Want to see me again?” Licking over his mouth briefly, he focused his gaze on the dark brown eyes. There was something incredibly cute about the chopstick guy. The big eyes widened even further and it was clear that the other man wanted to reply but Hoseok was faster.

“I do work here often, Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays ten to four. But you don't come that often, or did you come when I wasn't here?” He suddenly got interested, especially after the sudden change in behaviour compared to yesterday.

The slim guy seemed relieved that he didn't have to answer the first question, chewing on his cheek and shaking his head slowly.

“I just- just need new eye drops,” he murmured quietly and pointed at his slightly bloodshot eyes although it was clear what the eye drops were for.

_He doesn't need you for his eye drops though, or does he?_

“I see.” He turned to the computer and typed in ‘Chae’ as it was the only thing he remembered, but it was enough to get the name.

_He's Hyungwon._

“So, Hyungwon, give me a second, I'll be back,” he murmured and disappeared in the back, getting the strong drops out of the big pull-out drawer and returning to the customer area. The size difference between the two of them was useful because it kept Hyungwon from hiding his face completely, no matter how hard he tried.

Hoseok leaned in a little and looked into Hyungwon's eyes again. They were red, really red.

“Sit down I'll pour them in for you.” He pointed at a chair behind the counter and unpacked the drops.

“What- no! It's okay, I can do it myself, I do it all the time. Please don't bother, you have to work and it's not even unpacked yet and-" Hyungwon stopped talking as if he realised something and shook his head, supporting his verbal outburst with a few hand gestures. He had really long fingers.

_He better sit the fuck down if it's really hayfever._

“Why are you panicking? You probably suck because your hands shiver, so just sit down, I'll do it for you, see how your eyes react and then you can go home and do everything by yourself like an independent teenager.” Hoseok chuckled, grabbed one of the big, cold hands and pulled the light body after himself.

“But-" Hyungwon let himself be pulled. It wasn't clear whether he didn't resist or whether his attempts were just not enough for Hoseok to realise. Chewing on his cheek the other seemed to contemplate something, curling his free hand into the fabric of his white shirt. He was even taller when they stood right next to each other. “Why would you bother with a random allergic person that walks in? I can get home and use it, it's fine. I'm not dying or anything. Yet.”

_Is he shy? Didn't look like it yesterday._

“Sit down,” he simply commented before accidentally throwing Hyungwon on the chair. The other man was light like a feather. “I'm not bothered, I'm doing it because I want to see whether the drops are okay for your eyes.” Hoseok positioned himself between the other man's slim thighs and put on latex gloves, opening the package right after.

“This is so weird,” the handsome guy in front of him whispered and nibbled on his lower lip, glancing up. “Why wouldn't they be okay? They were fine before and they have to test everything. Even if not, I'll survive.”

_He thinks you're weird? But he's the weird one, having multiple personality disorder or whatever._

Hoseok glanced at the big brown eyes pulling one of his intense gazes while keeping the eye contact a little longer than appropriate, before he leaned in and examined the pupil on purpose.

“Okay, ready?” he asked while smiling, he didn't want to scare anybody.

Hyungwon just hummed and looked to the side, obviously used to applying eye drops regularly. From the corner of his eye Hoseok could see how the slim guy held onto his own thighs, body tensed. It was a little intense considering that Hoseok was just pouring antihistamines into his eye.

_Maybe he really thinks that you're weird._

Hoseok leaned in further and put two fingers around the left eye, keeping the skin tight to leave the lid open and waited until a drop of the transparent liquid disappeared in between the eyelids.

Hyungwon immediately force-closed his eyes, a reaction to the usual burning sensation that followed. Blinking a few times the other finally opened them properly again and turned his head a little, giving Hoseok better access to the second eye.

_Good boy._

He repeated the whole thing and leaned closer, waiting for Hyungwon to open his eyes such that he could see whether the drops had the desired effect. Blinking a few more times the handsome man finally looked at him, eyes big and a little less irritated as a pink tongue licked over his lips.

_He is gorgeous._

It was the first time Hoseok payed attention consciously, but he couldn't do anything against it because their faces were so close to each other. He licked his own lips as a reaction and continued staring at the handsome face, jumping from Hyungwon's huge eyes to his thick, red lips, shimmering a little from the moisture.

_Wow._

The other just continued staring at him as a little bit of colour began spreading along his cheeks and giving him a much healthier appearance compared to when he had just walked in. As if he realised, Hyungwon turned away, breaking the contact and staring down instead, right along Hoseok’s body, stopping somewhere between his legs. His gaze stayed only for a few seconds before he looked right back up in high speed, colour spreading even further.

_Did he just look at your crotch?_

“Thank you,” Hyungwon mumbled and attempted to stand up, which went wrong in every possible way because Hoseok was standing between his legs with the drops. It was like a fucking movie, Hyungwon almost lost balance because he didn't have space to stand up, Hoseok caught him by the waist, but dropped the eye drops on the ground.

“Fuck- I'll pay for a second one, I'm sorry,” the tall man exclaimed and held onto Hoseok’s shoulders like his life depended on it. “Fuck my life.”

_Your life is a drama._

There was something about Hyungwon that was absolutely adorable, Hoseok wanted to hug him and stroke over his black hair and tell him that it was fine and that stuff like that happened all the time and that he should just eat a waffle next time when he offers.

_Why are you like this, seriously? The poor boy._

He enjoyed the proximity for a couple of seconds longer before he loosened the grip on the ridiculously slim waist, fingers touching the fabric and the skin under it only lightly, almost not traceable.

“It's fine, it's my fault, I'll give you a new one.” Hoseok looked up once again, making sure that the drops had an effect. “Your eyes are much better and you'll have a packed one, you worried about that anyway.” He couldn't help but smile.

Licking over his lips quickly Hyungwon nodded and stepped back suddenly, walking over to the counter and pulling out his wallet like he had to occupy his hands with something. He didn't look at Hoseok but he didn't have to for the bright colour on his face to be visible.

“I- I just didn't want you to waste your time on me. But thank you and I'm sorry about the drops. I could still pay for them. There is still a little bit inside.”

_Is he blushing? Oh holy mother of god._

“Shh, I told you I'll give you new ones and it's not wasted time, sunshine. I can't believe you didn't blush last time I saw you but are blushing now, your skills are no joke,” Hoseok murmured and got another package, scanned the barcode and packed the medication into a small paper bag, letting it bounce on his index finger.

“It's not a skill,” the other replied and quickly pressed a bill into Hoseok’s palm, still not looking up.

“Thank you mister.” Hoseok grinned and pressed the change into the slightly cold hand while glancing up at Hyungwon's big brown eyes. “Sorry for earlier, it's just that a lot of guys come in and get antihistamines although they just smoked weed, so the reaction is different and it can create an addiction, so I wanted to make sure, but then your face happened to be ridiculously handsome so it escalated.” He smiled warmly and pulled the bag handle over the other man's big hand.

Hyungwon stared at him, not moving as his eyes got bigger and his whole body froze in space.

“Oh my god,” the black-haired man whispered before taking the bag with a rough motion and basically running out of the pharmacy, doorbell ringing loudly with his departure.

_Oh holy fuck, Hoseok. Why is your life like this?_

He didn't know. He just knew that Hyungwon was beautiful and adorable. But then he remembered the nasty grin and the overflowing confidence the other man had confronted him with at the party.

_He probably won't come again._

He focused his gaze on the counter, spotting a black Tommy Hilfiger wallet that didn't belong there.

_Or he will._

 

***

 

There was the sudden rustling of a small plastic bag before something light hit the concrete, barely audible. Luckily it was enough of a warning as Hyungwon managed to stretch out his palms last minute, keeping himself from kissing the ground.

He groaned as a sharp pain spread through his knees from the impact. His palms burned a little but it couldn’t have been that bad, he had worse before.

_Why are you so fucking thin if you faceplant like a goddamn rock?_

The rather ungraceful fall was just the perfect finish for his list of fuck-ups for the day. Not that he was counting.

It was his fault for running out of a pharmacy like a crazy person, ignoring the red light and almost getting hit by three bicycles in succession. If there had been an award for stupidity and being the main source of embarrassment Hyungwon would have been the undefeated champion.

Scrambling his long limbs off the ground he glanced over to the small plastic bag that the handsome, muscular pharmacy employee had pressed into his hand with a smile. Hyungwon had no idea why someone as attractive as the slightly shorter blonde man would consider him worth of his ‘I-can-heal-cancer’ smile, but somehow he apparently did.

_Maybe he was just amused by the fact that you stared at his dick like an idiot, only to try to stand up and run away and thereby almost throw both of you to the ground._

Hyungwon groaned in embarrassment again and wished there was such a thing as getting swallowed by concrete. At this point he wouldn’t have minded accidentally falling into a manhole if it would have meant that the guy two streets away would forget whatever happened, including his name.

_Why can’t you get social interaction right without seeming like an utter idiot?_

Finally standing up properly with his plastic bag in hand, Hyungwon touched his forehead with his right palm to try to hide his face from curious spectators as he quickly made his way around the corner into one of the smaller streets in the Amsterdam city center.

There had always been several reasons for him not going to the small but cute pharmacy next to his house. First of all, it was close to his house, close enough to be accidentally seen by the employees by chance and there was something about that, that made Hyungwon even more uncomfortable, having people around that knew all kinds of things about his health. Secondly, he always got his medication after visiting his brother and that meant that he was known as a customer at the other end of the city.

_But of course you were an idiot and forgot to pick up your prescription and had to try eight pharmacies until you found someone who was actually willing to make it for you immediately._

Had Hyungwon been a confident male instead of whatever the fuck he was he could have been chill about it, pick up his prescription and happily continue life with his meds and far-away pharmacy. He could have also been calm about being offered a honey waffle and maybe even eat it, but nope. Hyungwon was definitely not confident and when there was someone even remotely attractive and nice to him at the same time, something malfunctioned horribly inside his head and produced words that didn’t even make sense hours afterwards.

_Why the fuck would you run out of the fucking pharmacy just because he called you handsome? He’s a flirt._

Punching his key into the keyhole of his apartment he threw his head back and exhaled roughly, trying to get his shit together and get over the fact that he embarrassed himself.

_After that stunt you pulled you won’t be able to see him again, you idiot._

It was depressing, but it wouldn’t have been the first time. Hyungwon had a tendency to ruin possible love interest before they even started. Like that one guy in one of his lectures that had asked him for a coffee date on the day Hyungwon basically dropped out for half a year. His timing was just magical, magically fucked up.

Stepping into the spacious hallway he kicked his shoes into the corner, followed by his backpack before he walked over to his bed and threw himself on top of it, body flying in the air again from the impact. He was such a lightweight.

Pulling out his phone he held it in front of his face and opened Twitter, distracting himself with meaningless snippets of information. It rarely contained anything world changing but it cheered him up, at least a little. Someone had liked his rather pathetic attempt at being funny and it was nice to see that it had at least amused a single person in the gigantic mess that was the internet.

Scrolling further Hyungwon looked at a few of the pictures that Minhyuk posted, just links to his Instagram filled with various SNOW selfies from various angles, dog ears, bunny ears, pouty lips, the whole spectrum. The pics put a small smile on his face, almost making him forget that he had a teeny tiny crush on a pharmacy employee and embarrassed himself instead of getting closer as a socially versed person would have.

Almost.

‘You’re such an instagram hoe but I still love you,’ he commented under the Twitter post and waited for a reply, refreshing his mentions with his thumb like an idiot and hoping that a reply would appear magically. Minhyuk was usually fast and Hyungwon had nothing else to do with himself, apart from studying but there was no way that he could get himself to do that now. He needed distraction instead.

A warm sensation spread along his slightly uncovered underarm and Hyungwon almost got a heart attack, jerking at the feeling and instantly dropping his phone on his face.

_At this point it’s really unclear whether it is a self-fulfilling prophecy or the harsh truth._

Hyungwon added ‘dropping your phone on your face’ to his list of daily escapades and smiled a little at Shrimp, who was rubbing her furry, black head against his arm and asking for attention, blue eyes staring at him in expectation.

“You’re demanding,” he remarked with a chuckle and rubbed the beautiful black cat behind the ears, listening to the soft purrs.

_That’s what the hot guy said when you asked for a bag._

“Fuck my life.” Hyungwon sighed and threw himself back on the sheets, ignoring Shrimp’s frustrated attempts to get his hand back to give her attention. Only when the small cat attempted to crawl under his leg did he lift his head and laugh, reaching out and spoiling his pet some more. He had ruined his chances and now he would have to deal with it and preferably avoid that pharmacy like he had before, make big circles instead of standing three meters in front of it and contemplating what medication he needed and whether the handsome guy would be there.

_You’re in university, Hyungwon. You should have learned how to ask people out at this point and running away from them while yelling ‘oh my god’ is not an option._

His phone buzzed and a quick swipe over his phone screen was sufficient to see that it was a Twitter reply by Minhyuk. ‘You better get your pretty face into my shots in the future, bitch.’

Hyungwon pressed his lips together, knowing exactly that he never would. There were a lot of people that uploaded their personal pictures, shared their face in all various constellations but he wasn’t one of them. He couldn’t.

_Wouldn’t want to make anybody uncomfortable._

Scrolling past various posts on the release of a new album, new pictures of a few idols he liked and various close-up shots of muscular thighs Hyungwon sighed and reached for his back pocket. He couldn’t and wouldn’t cook, so there had to be enough money to order a pizza or something similarly filling that he wouldn’t eat up.

Just that his fingers didn’t find his wallet no matter how often they slipped into the pocket and back out. Panic began rising in his chest as adrenalin flooded his blood and his eyes widened in shock at the loss.

_Where the hell did you put it? Did you drop it when you face-planted?_

His memories brought him to the bright, smiling face of the slightly shorter pharmacy employee, handing him change and placing it into his palm with those impossibly warm hands of his. Hyungwon hadn’t been able to focus on anything else as pretty, curved lips told him that he was handsome and had therefore brought the other guy out of concept.

A vague picture of his simple black leather wallet on the clean pharmacy counter suddenly filled his mind, viewed from the corner of his eye.

_You left it there. With him._

_Fuck._

 

_

 

There was already something ironic to Hyungwon’s inability to pick up his wallet. Over two weeks had already passed as he attempted to survive on his poorly reloaded cafeteria card that he had lent to Minhyuk before and therefore still owned (unlike the rest of his credit cards, IDs and cash). The whole thing was aided by the nice lady at the counter always giving him an extra portion because she was of the very strong opinion that he was chronically underfed and needed someone to take care of him. It was nice, but he never managed to eat up anyway.

Taking even less than usual had probably raised her pity levels further as Hyungwon kept getting meat and carbohydrates for free while only paying for a tiny red apple. It was enough to get by while he hated himself for not going to the pharmacy and picking it up. A quiet voice in his head kept hoping that the handsome guy would just send it to him by post, maybe with an equally sweet message as he did the first time.

_Why are you reacting to flirty people, Hyungwon? You should know better._

He was on his way home from courses as his friend Hyunwoo was walking next to him in silence and eliminating the remaining bits of a burger that Hyungwon had been unable to stuff into himself. The equally tall and much broader man appeared cheerful as he stuffed his face and hummed once in a while, expressing his liking for each ingredient separately.

“But if you know where it is, shouldn’t you just go there and get it back?” Hyunwoo asked, still chewing a piece of meat and licking over his teeth to remove residues. He had nice teeth.

“It’s more complicated than that. I can’t just go there. It’s like getting shot in the chest and then returning to the same spot you were shot in the chest just because you left your heart there. It’s dumb,” Hyungwon elaborated and squeezed his cheeks together, lips forming into a pout and making it even harder for people to take him seriously. But it was a habit and habits might have been the main reason why he was still functional.

“Ehm, that sounds pretty reasonable to me. You can’t live without your heart so you go and get it back. Isn’t that how it is supposed to work? What does getting shot have to do with anything? Isn’t it over and done with already? The heart already fell out.” Another bite of the burger disappeared in the other man’s mouth as they slowly reached the intersection where their ways parted.

_There you go not making sense again._

“Let’s say getting shot was so bad that I am afraid to get shot again,” Hyungwon replied and pressed the button for the traffic light, waiting for it to turn green as Hyunwoo contemplated his response.

“I’d still go if it was my wallet.”

“That’s because you have the balls.”

Living without a wallet wasn’t as bad as Hyungwon would have thought in the beginning. He had to walk more often because he didn’t have his monthly metro card and he couldn’t buy groceries but the meal at the cafeteria was usually enough and on weekends he just hung out with Minhyuk or on his bed, depending on his mood. He could probably survive living like that. There was really not much that he needed.

Closing the door behind himself he pulled the long-sleeved shirt over his head, finally able to escape the heat and put on a gigantic black shirt, covering his body like a potato sack but it was the most comfortable article of clothing he owned in addition to the huge black sweatpants. The week was almost over so it was time to waste time on YouTube or Twitter, depending on what caught his attention faster.

Throwing himself on his bed he spread out his arms and almost instantly felt how his eyelids got heavy, sleep pulling at him after getting barely any throughout the whole week. It wasn’t likely that he would fall asleep now so he didn’t try and scrolled through his phone instead, liking every tweet of Minhyuk’s and that one picture of a steak that Hyunwoo posted.  
  
He was caught by the strange noise that suddenly sounded through his apartment. The bell.

_But you didn’t even order anything yet._

As such the bell wasn’t a strange occurrence. Hyungwon lived off delivery food and food that he ordered over one of those fresh fruit sites. They also had milk and coffee so he was fine. Shopping was just really hard sometimes and he tried to survive without it. Forcing his body off the bed he cooed at Shrimp who immediately escaped to a far away corner of the apartment, she hated strangers.

Realizing his inappropriate attire he quickly exchanged his t-shirt for the sweatshirt he had worn before, and walked over to the door. Drawing a deep breath Hyungwon pressed down the handle and opened the door slowly, preparing himself to deal with a stranger.  
  
“Do you have ten of those, or?” a low voice greeted him before he could see the visitor’s face. His handsome face, curved mouth spread in a bright smile and blonde bangs hanging into the pretty dark-brown eyes. The pharmacy employee was wearing a tight white shirt and ridiculously tight, black pants, his muscular arm holding the wallet he had missed dearly the past two weeks.

Hyungwon stared before something in his brain malfunctioned again. Unable to produce an appropriate response his eyes widened and his right hand acted faster than his head, throwing the door shut with a bang.

Once the loud noise filled the apartment he realized what he had just done, silence spreading as his eyes remained on the dark brown wood.

_You just threw the fucking door in his face, you idiot._

“Oh my god,” he whispered and returned the door to its tiny gap, staring at the handsome guy again. “Shit, I’m sorry, you caught me by surprise.”  
  
The muscular man grabbed the door and opened it further, almost taking Hyungwon along with it.  
  
“Okay, but I’ll get a coffee at least, what kind of gratitude is that, Chae Hyungwon?” The blonde guy tilted his head and examined his form, scanning him from head to toe like a creep.

_Potato sack aesthetics._

Hyungwon forced himself to formulate, to come up with a proper response as his eyes jumped from one beautifully dark-brown eye to the next, a little bit of the forehead that was shown through the blonde bangs and the way the guy’s upper lip curled up a little. It looked teasing but at the same time like he was the nicest human on earth. It was unfair and Hyungwon didn’t have enough schooling to deal with situations like that. People weren’t meant to look like that. Fuck.

_Looking like a potato sack would be a blessing at this point. You look like shit, Hyungwon._

“Ehm, but you have my money,” he forced out eventually and curled his hand further around the door handle to keep it in the position it was. His other hand reached for the door frame to remain stable as the pharmacy employee had a tendency to throw him around like a rag doll.  
  
Unfortunately he was basically helpless against the force with which the blonde male opened the door without showing any signs of strain.  
  
“I do, so you better give me a coffee. Now.” Slipping through under his stretched arm, the muscular guy entered his apartment without an invitation.

_Shit._

Hyungwon only panicked further, perfectly aware of the fact that his apartment was a mess. Clothes were lying everywhere just like random delivery bags, food he ordered via Paypal and various books for his studies that he just placed all over the apartment in the hope that he would feel the sudden desire to read them. It was just as effective as the small post-it on his bathroom mirror, saying ‘Love yourself’. Not at all.

“But- now?” he exclaimed and followed the broad guy. Hyungwon had absolutely no idea where he was going and hoped that he wouldn’t fall over a random pizza box and break his nose, which would have been just his luck. “I-I only have simple instant coffee.”

 _Don’t stutter._  
  
“Good,” had been the only answer before the ignorant guy found his bedroom, entered it without asking and sat down on his bed, spread-legged. “So that’s how you live, Chae Hyungwon.”

“W-what?” Hyungwon couldn’t help asking, only making the stuttering worse whenever he told himself not to do it, too aware of it and thereby tensing his throat. The doc said he shouldn’t think about it, but it was like telling yourself not to think of pink elephants, you just do it.

However, what confused him the most was the nonchalance with which the employee, whose name he couldn’t remember under stress, acted as if he knew him and just threw himself on his bed, showing off his thighs like a damn fuck boy.

_Maybe he is?_

“Who are you even?” Hyungwon muttered eventually, staying in the middle of his bedroom and staring at the attractive, but mostly unknown man that had just entered his apartment with absolutely no shame or hesitation. Admirable.

The other man looked at him as if he did him dirty, mouth opening a little and disappointment showing on the handsome face.  
  
“I told you my name the first time we met, but it must’ve been irrelevant to you. Do you hate me or something? Is that why you never look at me?” The blonde man pouted and it looked extremely cute somehow.

_You idiot, you purposefully wrote it down. Fuck._

Hyungwon panicked some more, unsure about how he managed to upset the other man and make him exchange his bright smile for a pout that could have challenged his own, just that it was way prettier.

“Wait-” he murmured and turned to his bedside drawer, walking past the spread-legged man on his bed which was already surreal on several levels and taking out the small note that he had kept because he was embarrassing.

“Hoseok, right? I’m sorry- fuck- it’s just- I don’t really function under pressure,” he murmured and put the note back, staring at the light-haired man to compensate the fact that he hadn’t before. “W-why would I hate you? You’re nice.”  
  
The dark-brown eyes widened after he had pulled out the note and he could see Hoseok’s pink lips parting without a sound.  
  
“Ok, but did you just read out my name from a note? Really? Did you write it down?” The other man licked over his lips and Hyungwon could see them spread until a bright smile appeared on the beautiful pale face.

_You just took out the note and read it in front of him, you dumbfuck. Way to appear cool._

“Ehm, that’s-” There was no proper excuse he could come up with so he just shrugged with his shoulders and glanced at the hallway, hoping that it settled the issue without him responding. “So, you want coffee?”  
  
“Yeah, now that you read out my name we can take it a step further,” the low voice replied followed by a chuckle as the muscular body suddenly appeared next to him without making a single noise.

Hyungwon panicked, stepping back and stumbling over his own sneakers that he had strategically placed next to the bedside drawer, probably to fall over, just as he did, hitting his right butt cheek against the sharp corner of the drawer before he caught himself with his right hand, holding onto the wall.

_Such a damn flirt._

He wasn’t even sure if that was really an innuendo, but Hyungwon wasn’t used to direct advances towards his person, especially not in his apartment. Fuck, he didn’t even know how to deal with people outside, not to mention in his own home.

_He has no reason to flirt with you. None at all._

“Yeah- coffee,” he murmured as he got back up and walked past the broad man as fast as he could, taking a cup from the cupboard and the box of instant coffee that stood around on the counter. The blonde guy named Hoseok followed him and watched how he prepared the coffee with his shaky hands.  
  
“Should I help you? Am I making you nervous?” He almost fainted as Hoseok simply jumped on the counter, flexing his ridiculously muscular arms and presenting his thighs as if it was a fucking meal. Hyungwon couldn’t help but compare it to the thigh pics he had scrolled through in the morning and Hoseok could definitely compare. Minhyuk would die to see something like this, on the spot.

_Just a matter of time until you fuck up further then._

His butt cheek hurt but he forced himself not to rub over it and thereby make the whole thing even more weird than it already was.

“I-I’m just not used to people popping up at my apartment just like that and demanding coffee,” he replied eventually and opened his eyes a little wider to focus on his hands and keep them from shivering. The adrenaline was no joke and so damn tiring. He could have thrown himself on his bed and knocked out for a few hours, but he couldn’t with Hoseok sitting on his counter and looking attractive although Hyungwon didn’t even know if the other was gay.

_He probably thinks you are hilarious for reacting to the simplest of things. You’re pathetic, Hyungwon. Stop showing it for the world to see._

Hoseok seemed like a generally very flirty person, leaving notes, telling people they are beautiful and taking them home, laughing at how easy it was. And at how ridiculously embarrassed Hyungwon constantly got.

_He probably came to intimidate you some more and watch you blush like a fucking tomato._

He couldn’t think any further as he felt fingers touching his chin and lifting it up as Hoseok leaned closer while staring into his eyes.

 _Holy mother of god._  
  
“Your eyes are better, good that you didn't forget your meds, just the wallet. How the fuck did you live without it for two weeks? Do you have food supplies in storage or something?” The asking would have been all nice, if the other man had let him go, but he didn’t, fingers still curled around his chin.

It only took a few seconds until Hyungwon could already feel the blood rushing to his face. He freaked out and glanced to the side, exhaling roughly and shaking his head, trying to remember what the question even was.

_Food. How you lived without your wallet?_

“I- I just ordered over Paypal and ate at the uni cafeteria, nothing major,” he murmured as he tried to stare at the soon-to-be coffee instead of the beautiful face and the hand that still held his chin. It felt so warm and he wished he wouldn’t react to it. It was probably exactly what the other man wanted, to embarrass him and see how fucking unable he was to have a proper conversation. He grabbed the water kettle to escape and filled it, placing it on its heater and turning it on. “D-do you like milk in your coffee?”  
  
The warmth left him but something told him that Hoseok was still staring at his face.  
  
“Yeah. I can’t drink hot things so I always pour cold milk into the coffee to make it enjoyable.” The other man had a low voice, it sounded pleasant. “Do you drink coffee?”

“I basically live off of coffee.” Hyungwon chuckled and mentally counted how many cups he had already inhaled that day, including the ones Minhyuk had bought for him. “I probably had six or seven cups already.”

Once the click of the water kettle sounded he took it and poured the hot water on top of the coffee powder, enjoying the scent although it was a poor excuse for freshly brewed coffee. Grabbing a package of milk from the fridge he poured it on top until the cup was full and returned the milk to the fridge before handing the cup to Hoseok.  
  
The other man’s pale hands brushed over his a little while taking the coffee cup and Hyungwon couldn’t really say whether it had been on purpose or not, the only thing he could tell was that Hoseok had been staring at his face.

_Shit, it there something on your face?_

Hyungwon rubbed over his cheeks, pulling them together and hoping that whatever Hoseok had identified on his face would disappear with a little bit of rubbing. If not he would have to come up with better ways to hide his face than stare at the ground, he tended to run into things when he did that.

_You probably look hideous and he couldn’t look away, fuck._

Familiar dread spread through his chest at the thought and he turned away, fumbling with another cup. He didn’t want to drink any but it was better than allowing Hoseok to stare at his face any longer than he already did. He wanted to run to the bathroom so badly and check, but there was not really a way to do that without seeming even more awkward than he already was. In addition his ass still hurt from his own stupidity, probably turning into a bruise.

 _Lovely, when your body doesn’t ruin itself you do the job perfectly on your own._  
  
He heard a dull noise and wanted to check, but the handsome face appeared mere centimeters away from his, staring into his eyes intently.  
  
“Is everything okay?”

“Y-Yeah, everything’s great, I’m just trying to make another cup of coffee,” Hyungwon murmured quickly and tried to look away from the persistent gaze. He felt so fucking uncomfortable from the thought alone that there might have been something about the way he looked, something he couldn’t see and remove. His hands shivered as he tried to pour the powder into the small white cup, a few bits landing on the counter instead. Warm fingers curled around his arm and pulled him away, before Hoseok took the spoon away and filled the coffee into the cup, grabbing the kettle and pouring the boiling water over it with practiced snake-like movements.  
  
“Milk?” he asked before turning to him with the cup in his hands.

“No, I- I prefer it black,” Hyungwon answered and felt how he suddenly struggled breathing, lungs closing up and not allowing even a single breath of oxygen to enter them.

_Don’t you dare get a panic attack just because of your own thoughts. You know better than that._

Closing his eyes for a few seconds he tried to breathe. It didn’t work so he focused on the floor, staring at his naked feet on top of the kitchen tiles and attempted to think of something positive, something he had done well, but he just couldn’t fucking think of anything. He had a book for that but he couldn’t even remember where it was at this point.  
  
“Mhm, the coffee is amazing! Actually I’m drinking instant coffee all the time because it’s cheap, I would get thrown out of my apartment if I were to drink it outside, the money is no joke,” Hoseok’s low voice commented and chuckled right after. “Thank you, really, and sorry that I didn’t send you the wallet, I had exams and I thought you’d come by the pharmacy, you must’ve been busy.”

_The coffee. You’ve done the coffee well._

Hyungwon held onto the thought and forced himself to look up again, glancing at the way Hoseok leaned against the counter and sipped the coffee he had prepared. The other man believed that he must have been busy although he had mainly done absolutely nothing, being useless as usual and contemplating what he should have done but didn’t.  
  
_The coffee. You’ve done well._

“I was just too embarrassed to come,” he breathed out eventually and curled his hands around his own cup, grateful that he had something to hold onto as he tried to down a big gulp, only to burn his tongue and spit it back out on the counter.  
  
“Shit, are you okay?” Hoseok placed his cup on the counter and took Hyungwon’s cup away, looking all worried.

_Why the fuck is he worried? You just spit coffee on his shirt. Oh, for fuck’s sake._

He shook his head and tried to deal with the fact that his tongue felt on fire, staring at the marks of coffee on the other man’s shirt.

“Fuck, your shirt- I- oh my god- I’m so sorry,” he exclaimed and looked for a tissue, finally finding a random one and using it to rub at a particularly big stain on the other man’s shoulder. It was all fine, his panic took over his motor actions until he realized that he was close to an attractive man and rubbing over his shoulder like in a damn movie.

“Fuck- sorry,” he mumbled and stepped back, throwing the tissue behind himself, hoping it hit the garbage bin instead of a random spot on his kitchen floor. Hoseok grabbed his hand and pulled him towards himself.  
  
“You burned your lips, shit,” the other man commented and let him go before he walked towards the fridge. “Don’t you have a cooling pack or something? I don’t want to put something against your lips that had been in a chickens ass before.”

It was sudden but the ridiculousness of the situation caught up with Hyungwon, a loud laugh leaving his mouth as he almost toppled over and had to hold his waist to not lose balance and face plant on his own kitchen floor.

“Y- you could use a sausage or something, I have frozen ones,” he pressed out before he laughed again, holding onto the counter and bending in half. Having a hot guy hold a frozen sausage against his lips because he burned them with hot coffee, which he also happened to spit on the said man would have to be the highlight of his love life. “Oh my god, this is ridiculous.”  
  
Hoseok turned around with the most beautiful smile on his handsome face that Hyungwon had ever seen in his life.

 _Like an angel._  
  
“A banana would also do,” the other man commented and laughed with his mouth wide open before he turned back and pulled an ice cube out of the freezer, closing the distance and taking his chin with his thumb and index finger. Smiling softly, he pressed the cold cube against his lips.

Hyungwon froze, eyes widening and focusing on the dark-brown orbs in front of him, laughter getting stuck in his throat as suddenly as it had appeared. Something about Hoseok’s face changed as he moved the frozen cube along his lips.

_His gaze is so intense._

He didn’t know what to say or do, merely parting his lips a little and focusing on the cold sensation against his mouth, numbing the pain a little and freeing the resources to focus further on the face of the man in front of him.

Hoseok was gorgeous and everything Hyungwon was not. His smile was bright, his eyes friendly and he had a gorgeous jaw. The curved mouth parted a little as if it mirrored Hyungwon’s, pale fingers moving the cube further along his lips. The other’s eyes didn’t leave his even for a second.

_It’s as if he genuinely wants to look at you.  
_

There was nothing Hyungwon wanted to be true more than that one simple sentence.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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> 

It was like a nineties comedy, all of it. Hyungwon was beyond hilarious, slamming the door into his face, reading his name from a note, tripping over sneakers, probably hurting his ass in the process (which Hoseok didn’t want to mention, because it was kind of awkward) and finally burning his mouth including his lips by drinking boiling coffee. He couldn’t really decide whether the slim black-haired guy genuinely hated him for some reason, or whether Hoseok was too extroverted for his taste. Something about the other man’s behaviour showed a lot of discomfort.  
  
_Maybe he just doesn’t like people walking into his apartment and touching things._  
  
It was a possibility, but it had been too late anyway. His shirt was stained with coffee, burning a little on his skin and Hyungwon’s pretty, thick lips were blood red.  
  
_You need to cool them._  
  
After laughing about the ridiculous situation Hoseok pulled out an ice cube and closed the distance, grabbing Hyungwon’s chin and pressing the frozen object to the plump lips that parted a little. The big brown eyes simply stared at him and he couldn’t look away, it was fascinating.  
  
_How can a person look like this? He’s fucking gorgeous, holy shit._  
  
He tried to ignore the thought and moved the ice cube along the smooth surface, watching how it turned into water, covering the blood red mouth. Curling his left hand into a fist he bit down on his lip to prevent himself from doing something.  
  
_You’re in his apartment, you can’t just jump him out of nowhere, Hoseok. Get a grip._  
  
He tried but it was so hard, Hyungwon looked absolutely stunning with his huge eyes wide open and his water covered lips. Shit.

The plump mouth parted a little further as if the beautiful man wanted to say something, but he didn’t, closing it again and inhaling through his nose instead. A few more seconds of silence passed.

“I-” Hyungwon began and lifted his right hand, but didn’t do anything with it apart from curling his fingers into a fist. “Y-you’re also hurt, aren’t you?” The brown eyes glanced down at his stained shirt before they returned to his face. Shifting a little the other closed his lips around the remaining bit of the ice cube, sucking it into his mouth and sighing in relief. He must have burned more than just his lips based on the response.

Hoseok didn't know what drove him, but he reached for Hyungwon's face and stroked over his chin, removing the water that flowed down from his plump lips. It felt like his eyes were glued to the handsome face in front of him.

The brown eyes widened further as the tall man moved a step back, lifting his hands as if in protection before he seemed to realize and let them drop to his sides, pulling the sleeves of his sweatshirt a little lower.

“Woah- wait,” he exclaimed and inhaled sharply. “Y-your shirt looks absolutely ruined. I could pay for the dry cleaning or something. Or we could try to wash it, or I just buy you a new one, or-”

_Don't._

He closed his eyes for a couple of seconds and sucked in a breath.

_You're a student who works at the pharmacy, he's a customer who forgot his wallet, what are you even thinking?_

After opening them he smiled as if nothing happened and pulled his hands into his pockets to not do anything stupid with them. Looking down on himself he got an idea.

_Genius._

“Could you just lend me a shirt? Cause I'll meet up with someone in a bit and I'm afraid they’ll kick me out of the cafe looking like this.” He grinned at Hyungwon's ridiculously handsome face and waited for a reaction.

“Ehm, sure, just-” The other man appeared a little caught off guard and examined his stained shirt, eyes sliding over his chest before they returned to his face. “You’re rather-” It was fascinating to see how Hyungwon attempted to find a word until he simply gave up, swallowing quickly. “Thick. Is a t-shirt fine? Most of those are oversized.”

_He didn't even see how thick you are._

“Show me,” he replied and sucked in another breath hoping that they would finally change location before he snapped.

Hyungwon nodded quickly and disappeared through the door frame of the kitchen, walking to the bedroom judging by the sound and rummaging through his wardrobe. Hoseok followed but didn't get closer. It had been enough to watch the slim black-haired man get a little nervous the more time passed, he didn't need to make it worse by being all flirty and touchy.

The pretty face reappeared from the depths of the wardrobe as Hyungwon held a simple oversized black t-shirt in his direction.

“It’s clean, I swear,” he commented and waited for Hoseok to take it, staying frozen in his spot in front of his clothes. The apartment was pretty messy with various articles of clothing covering the ground and random surfaces. It must have been the reason for pointing out that the shirt was clean.

Hoseok pushed himself away from the door frame and pulled the stained shirt over his head, walking towards Hyungwon right after. The previously calm facial expression (at least compared to before) disappeared and the dark brown eyes turned even bigger than they already were. The other man was visibly staring at his chest, swallowing quickly and licking over his lips as he finally glanced to the side and stretched out his hand with the shirt, as if to keep the distance and not stare too much.

_He does like it, doesn't he?_

He stretched out his arm and took the shirt, examining the fit for a couple of seconds.

“I think it might fit.” He smiled at the black-haired man, who looked a little uncomfortable.

“Great,” Hyungwon murmured quietly and sat down on his bed. It looked a little funny with how he leaned back and pulled his long legs under his body, returning his gaze to Hoseok’s chest before he fixated on something on the floor.

_You're probably not the type of person he likes dealing with._

“I can't really say whether you hate me or my presence in your apartment,” he murmured and pulled the shirt over his body. Taking the wallet out of his back pocket he walked over to the bed and placed it on Hyungwon's lap. “But don't worry, I'm leaving.”

“Fuck- don’t leave,” the tall man suddenly exclaimed, jumping up and almost falling over as his wallet hit the ground. “I mean- sure you can leave if you want to, but I don’t hate you, fuck. I’m just- I don’t see why the hell you would want to be here with me anyway and not- I don’t know. The people you hang out with and like.”

_What?_

“But what made you think that I wouldn't want to hang out with you? Am I right now or not? I just have the feeling that I'm making you uncomfortable and I don't want you to feel bad because of me in your own home, so it's fine.” He smiled and picked up the wallet from the floor.

The other man looked a little doubtful, pursing his lips.

“I just don't see why… why someone like you would want to hang out with someone like me. I'm awkward as fuck and keep falling over things. I burned your chest with coffee. You should have cussed me out and left by now, laughing about it to your friends and making sure I don't pop up in your periphery.” It was the first time the other man didn't really appear hesitant while talking, perfectly aware of what he wanted to say as he shifted and sat down on the bed again, pulling his legs under his body.

_But why would he think like that?_

Hoseok closed the distance and kicked away a pizza box, making a little space on the floor to sit down right across from Hyungwon.

“This is some crazy, crooked logic, I don't really get the point. Are you telling me I'm different from you and that's the reason why I should go away? Isn't that a little, I don't know, discriminating?”

“What? No!” The other’s eyes widened again as the other supported the answer with waving his hands in front of his face in denial. “It's just- what would you want with someone like me when you can get someone better to hang out with, cooler, more entertaining, more attractive, whatever. I just don't understand why you would want to come all this way to bring me my wallet and stay. Do you want to make fun of me? Tell your friends how funny it was how that weird guy kept blushing cause he couldn't get his shit together. I mean- I get it. I would laugh too if it wouldn't be so frustrating.”

Hoseok didn't even know what to say because it was so fucking ridiculous. He simply stared with his eyes open until the whole flood of liquid bullshit passed his auditory cortex.

“Wow, that was a whole pile of bullshit at once. First of all, did you look in the mirror? You're gorgeous, fuck, you must be really blind or something. I don't make fun of others because it's dumb, anyone can make mistakes, me too, I randomly touched you because I couldn't keep my hands to myself although you were uncomfortable as fuck, so you can make fun of me if you want to, feel free. Why are you questioning my choice? If I didn't like it I would've been gone, or better I would've sent you the wallet, or left it at the pharmacy. Wow.” He tilted his head and stared into the ridiculously handsome face.

_Lucky Bastard._

“You don't know anything about me, Hoseok and that is nice, I like it somehow. Thank you for calling me gorgeous, it's- it's really nice to hear.” It was strange how the sound of Hyungwon’s voice changed and he lifted one corner of his mouth, creating a half smile. “Also thank you for coming. I hope you have fun with that friend of yours.”

He tried to understand what was going on, but it just didn't make sense. He stood up and leaned down, leaving only a couple of centimetres between their faces.

“I'm not meeting anyone, I just said it so you'd give me a shirt of yours. Thank you for the coffee, have fun.” He kissed his thumb and pressed it against the blood red lips, burned from the coffee incident and turned around, trying to find the way out.

The way Hyungwon's eyes had widened as he leaned in remained on his mind as he finally found the right door. The other man stayed on the bed, not making a sound and not following him either, like a statue.

_At least he can breathe in peace now._

He ran down the stairs with a strange feeling of frustration. He should've been unbothered as soon as he left, but something remained on his mind. Why was Hyungwon so bitter, thinking he would make fun of him or whatever?

_Why did you go there in the first place?_

Because he wanted to see him again.

_

 

“Hoseok sunshine, you know that we’re gone for the week right? Please take care of the plants and you need to let the car workshop put new tires on the car and Changkyun needs an apartment so I told him to call you because you are really good at this, also I need some papers for the pension insurance could you fill them out, they are on my desk in the bedroom.” His mother’s voice spoke fast and he wrote everything down because there was still the possibility that the list of duties would become longer the longer she talked.  
  
“Mom, I passed my chemistry exam.” He smiled and drew a small heart on the pink sticky note.  
  
“Awesome, and don’t forget to air out the rooms okay? The house gets so stuffy when we’re gone, I really don’t like it.” She simply ignored him.  
  
_You know that you just shouldn’t have any expectations in the first place, otherwise it’s a giant disappointment._  
  
“I know. I’ll do it. Have a nice trip and enjoy yourself,” he commented with a smile before hanging up.

 _Why don’t you just clone yourself to satisfy everyone’s needs and demands?_  
  
It would’ve solved a lot of problems but unfortunately modern biotechnology wasn’t that far yet.

The door opened with a loud noise and Kihyun’s head appeared in the door crack.  
  
“Are you being your fam’s cinderella again? Why can’t you just tell your mom that you work half of the week and study the other half and that you don’t have time for that shit? At this point it’s your own fault, you better not complain to me about this if you’re too dumb to say no.” His best friend hissed at him as if Hoseok did him dirty, even though he had only overheard his phone call.  
  
_He’s just worried about you._  
  
“I can’t because it’s my family, it’s not hard, I’ll do it. We can go to the engineers party by car then, I think it might be good if I don’t drink after that vodka binge on Saturday,” he murmured and grinned at Kihyun who was nodding furiously.  
  
“Deal,” his friend replied and threw a package at him that almost hit his chest but which he thankfully caught in time. It had been Kihyun’s habit to randomly throw things at him to see whether his reactions were faster, which they were.  
  
_It’s a cookie isn’t it?_  
  
He shot a finger gun at the shorter man who showed him his middle finger in reply and pulled the sweet choco-chip cookie out of the package, biting off a huge piece and moaning loudly.  
  
_Fine. Everything is fine._  
  
_  
  
Loud music played through the spacious rented space and a mass of people danced and drank, while he couldn’t help but feel a little sad with his coke. Partying was admittedly much more fun if you could drink, aligning your state with everyone around yourself to feel the same, at least for a short amount of time. Closing his eyes for a brief moment Hoseok went through the list of things he was supposed to do for his mom and brother before an unfamiliar voice ripped him out of his thoughts.  
  
“Hyungwon, the shot is for you,” someone screamed right next to him. He almost snapped his neck while turning around and spotting the familiar slim figure, black hair and golden skin. If someone was cinderella then it was most definitely Hyungwon. The tall man was wearing a loose black silk shirt with a ribbon and ridiculously tight, black, ripped jeans. His hair was styled perfectly and he was taking a vodka shot as if it was water.  
  
_What the actual fuck?_  
  
He couldn’t help but think about Hyungwon’s beautiful eyes that had been staring at him as if he was an angel or something, his plump lips parted and so kissable that Hoseok almost hurt himself while trying to hold back.  
  
_And then he’s here all fine drinking and looking like a model on a runway, does he have a double life or something? Asshole._  
  
Hoseok couldn’t remove his gaze from the tall figure, staring at the handsome man with his mouth slightly parted until the other stared back all of a sudden, lips spreading in a grin.  
  
_What the fuck?_  
  
Hoseok tilted his head to the side and made a gesture with his coke in Hyungwon’s direction, getting a wink as a reply. A fucking wink. He couldn’t believe that the dude had the balls to wink at him after he spent a week thinking about what he might’ve done wrong for the other to feel bad about him coming.

Hyungwon smirked and held out his shot glass towards a guy with a large vodka bottle, waiting for him to fill it before he downed it and made his way over, lifting an eyebrow at Hoseok’s coke.

“A little sad for a party like this, isn't it? You seemed more buzzed at the last party, and more like decent company,” the tall man remarked and sat down next to him, crossing his legs and leaning against the back of the chair, lips spread in a grin.  
  
Hoseok wanted to punch him.  
  
“I have to drive, sunshine, you also seemed like better company the last time to be honest. Nice shirt,” he answered and lifted an eyebrow at the rudeness, lips curling up in a smirk almost automatically.

“Thanks, yours seems to be one or two sizes too small but I'm kinda digging it,” Hyungwon replied and leaned forward, elbows placed on the table in front of him and dark brown eyes focusing on Hoseok’s face. “So you have to play driver for your friends?”  
  
Hoseok had the sudden wish to stuff the other man’s mouth with a sock or his dick or anything such that no words would come out to make him fucking angry.  
  
“You seem to have discovered talking all of a sudden, I’m impressed. Your lips look fine,” he commented and leaned in a little trying to see whether there were signs of the previous burn, but it was too dark.

“My lips are always fine and they taste even better, honey. If you don't like me talking, maybe you should do something about it,” the tall man remarked with a teasing grin, moving even closer. The strong scent of vodka was even more obvious since Hoseok hadn't drunk himself. In addition the music was so loud that he barely understood what the other was saying.  
  
_Maybe he gets all brave after drinking half a bottle?_  
  
“You seem confident, Hyungwon, so unlike yourself, I bet I taste better than you,” Hoseok smirked and licked his lips.

“Only one way to find out.”

The full lips spread into an even wider grin as the tall man stood up and placed his knee on top of the table. Licking over his lips briefly he grabbed Hoseok by the collar and pulled him up, clashing their mouths together.  
  
_Holy shit._  
  
It was so unexpected that Hoseok gasped loudly before his body reacted autonomously, arms curling around the thin waist and pulling the slim figure over the table and on top of his lap. He parted the incredibly soft plump lips with his tongue and licked into the other man’s mouth. It tasted like a mixture of alcohol and cigarettes, something very familiar somehow.

He could feel how Hyungwon grinned into the kiss, pushing his lower body further into Hoseok’s. He seemed to think for approximately two seconds before he let go of his collar and curled his lean arms around Hoseok’s neck instead. He seemed to have more strength than he did the last times, not falling over randomly but basically pulling Hoseok with him instead. Slipping over the wooden surface the tall man rested completely on top of Hoseok’s thighs and nibbled on his bottom lip, biting down harshly.  
  
_Fucking tease._  
  
Slipping his fingers under the silk shirt, Hoseok roamed over the slim back, enjoying the way it felt while he bit along the smooth skin of the other man’s neck. It smelled like some expensive perfume paired with the alcohol. Hyungwon was demanding, pressing himself down on his lap and lips spreading against his skin.

“Get a fucking room,” someone yelled over the music and Hoseok could see how Hyungwon removed one arm from around his neck to flip a finger at the person in question. Instead of stopping as requested the beautiful man rolled his hips into Hoseok’s and curled his fingers into his hair, pulling it back.

“You taste good enough,” he remarked with a smirk and licked over Hoseok’s bottom lip, pupils blown.

“You taste like vodka,” Hoseok replied and caught Hyungwon's lips with his teeth before parting.

“Yo bunny, let's go, you can fuck someone else next time, I promise,” Kihyun's voice sounded behind him, a little annoyed because they were supposed to leave as his friend had an exam the next day.  
  
_He’s drunk anyway._

Peeling the other man's arms from his shoulders he pulled the slim body up without any strain before standing up.

“I have to go. See you around, Hyungwon,” he murmured along with the incredibly loud music, hoping that the other understood what he said.

“Asshole,” was the only thing he heard behind himself, voice loud and clear.

“Take care,” he shouted back and curled an arm around Kihyun, who was telling him about a girl he liked.

_You shouldn't have thought about him, it was wasted time._

_

 

He came home after a long ass shift and of course Hyungwon hadn't appeared at the pharmacy. He probably thought that Hoseok was an asshole. He wasn't though, he just didn't fuck people who were wasted and had no idea what they were doing. It was a rule.  
  
Throwing himself on top of his bed, he spotted the black shirt that he washed and placed on his bedside table to give back to Hyungwon.  
  
_Just go there, give it back and come home. It’s literally five minutes away. And you can buy milk._  
  
He jumped up again, slipping into white, ripped jeans and a cyan-blue shirt (to not appear like a hobo considering the attire Hyungwon appeared in last time).  
  
It really took about five minutes to get to the orange apartment building that was much prettier than the one Kihyun and him were living in. The front door was open and he ran up the stairs, stopping in front of the wooden door with the name tag that said ‘Chae’.  
  
_Chaesshole._  
  
He rang the bell and prepared to get the door slammed right into his face once again.

There was shuffling and he could hear steps running back and forth in the apartment before the door finally opened, but just a tiny bit like last time. Luckily Hyungwon decided against slamming it in his face this time and just appeared shocked, eyes widening immediately and staring at him as if he was a ghost. Just like last time the tall man was wearing a gigantic sweatshirt that could have fit him thrice and sweatpants that hung low on his hips, probably also way too big, but Hoseok couldn’t really tell because of the gigantic shirt.

“H-Hoseok, why...?”  
  
_Maybe he’s on drugs most of the time?_  
  
Shocked by the change in appearance, Hoseok grabbed the door and opened it completely, walking into the apartment like the last time.  
  
“Why are you so shocked? I still have your t-shirt and I wanted to give it back, or didn’t you want to see me anymore after being mean to me?” He grinned and stopped in the kitchen.

“W-was I mean to you?” Hyungwon was absolutely perplexed, lips parted and staring at him as he closed the door and followed slowly, not even bothering to lift his feet off the ground. “I- I didn’t really think about the t-shirt. I just thought-” Shutting his lips tightly the tall man looked to the ground, playing with his long fingers.  
  
_Why is he like this?_  
  
“What did you think? That I didn’t want to fuck you?” Hoseok propped himself up against the kitchen counter, tilted his head to the left and tried to catch Hyungwon’s gaze that was fixed on the other man’s long fingers.

The tall man could have snapped his neck with the speed with which he looked up, eyes as big as saucepans and mouth opened. He visibly tried to say something but struggled, lips moving but no sound coming out.

“W-what?” he mumbled and glanced to the side, curling the fingers of his right hand around his left wrist. He could have probably surrounded it twice with how slim it was compared to the length of his fingers. “Is that why you came last time? You wanted to-”  
  
“What?” Hoseok wanted to facepalm. He tried really hard to understand what was going on but it didn’t make sense. At all.  
  
“The last time I came here I wanted to give you your wallet because you didn’t pick it up. Why would I go to the apartment of someone I don’t know to fuck him? Does that make sense to you?”

“N-no, of course not. That’s why I’m confused!” Hyungwon lifted his arms in frustration and gestured between them, chewing on his cheek. “I don’t know what you are talking about. Y-you’re the one who talked about- yeah- I didn’t say anything about that!”  
  
_Is he high?_  
  
Hoseok pushed himself up from the counter and closed the distance with fast steps, grabbing Hyungwon’s chin and opening one of the brown eyes with his other hand, glancing at the pupils and eyeball.  
  
“That’s strange, your eyes don’t look as if you smoked, or do you eat mushrooms or something?” Hoseok asked while leaning even closer, perceiving how Hyungwon’s extremely shaky breaths were hitting his lips.

“W-what? No- I’m way too allergic and I h-hate it,” the other's red mouth stuttered as Hyungwon only tensed further and froze in place, not moving an inch. His skin was a hint reddish along his neck, a little bit like a scratch or a bruise. Hoseok sucked in a breath and focused his gaze on the big, brown eyes.  
  
“Did you eat cherries? You smell like cherries. I like that much more than the vodka smell.”

“V-vodka? I don’t drink vodka,” Hyungwon murmured and Hoseok could see how the color of the pretty face in front of him began to compliment the plump, red mouth, blush spreading as teeth settled on his bottom lip and the tall man glanced to the side, avoiding his gaze. “But I did eat cherries.”  
  
_Okay that’s plain mental. He’s shitting you, isn’t he?_  
  
He shook his head to get a grip and licked his lips, smelling the cherry scent.  
  
“You know that this doesn’t make sense, right?” he whispered and leaned even closer, feeling how Hyungwon’s exhales tickled his skin.

“Y- you confuse me, Hoseok,” the beautiful man whispered and grabbed the seam of his oversized t-shirt, holding onto it and breathing rapidly. “W- what do you even want with me?”  
  
“You’re the confusing one, Hyungwon. I want to know what you taste like,” Hoseok whispered against the other man’s lips and leaned forward, catching the plump mouth with his and curling his arms around the slim body that appeared even thinner than the last time he had touched it at the party.

A gasp left the other, a reaction so different from the previous one. The mesmerizing brown eyes only widened further as long fingers let go of the seam and held onto Hoseok’s sides instead, as if Hyungwon didn't know what to do with them.

A few seconds passed without the slim man kissing back until he tried to push Hoseok away, pulling at his shirt to do so. It was easy to feel the rapid heartbeat that was pulsing through the warm lips, cheeks gaining colour the more time passed. Hoseok didn’t get shit, it was like watching a children’s movie after eating three magic mushrooms and smoking a joint, confusing, dystopian and scary.  
  
He broke the contact and stared at Hyungwon’s face in confusion.  
  
“You- you don’t want it?” he asked, licking the cherry scent from his lips.

“I- I don't know- it's just- why are you kissing me?” Hyungwon seemed so embarrassed, face red and eyes still widened with surprise. “Are you trying to see how pathetic I am?”  
  
“What? I kissed you because I wanted to, but of course I’ll stop if you don’t want it. Gosh, just tell me that you don’t like me so I know how to act.” Hoseok groaned in frustration but kept his hands curled around Hyungwon’s thin waist.  
  
_See? That’s why you never fuck people when they’re drunk. The next morning is always different._

“I- I like you I just don't get why you would want to kiss me. I'm- nevermind.” Hyungwon groaned too and covered his face with his hands, hiding his facial expression. “I don't know how to act at all and you don't make any sense and- fuck my life.” The way the other's slim body moved in his arms made it even more obvious how thin Hyungwon was. His waist was simply crazy. “We don't even really know each other and you keep accusing me of strange things that don't make sense to me.”  
  
_He likes you? But why is he like this then?_  
  
Hoseok was going nuts, it was beyond frustrating. There was no communication whatsoever between them, the things Hyungwon said didn’t fit to the way the other had previously behaved at the party. He didn’t want to think, he just wanted to kiss those thick lips. Hoseok removed his hands from the other man’s waist and grabbed Hyungwon’s thin wrists, removing his palms from the handsome, blushed cheeks.  
  
“You like me? I think you’re lying, I just don’t understand why. I just want to kiss you and you’re telling me stories, what is this?” Hoseok whispered against Hyungwon’s slightly parted mouth.

“You'll just get disappointed,” the low voice whispered, tensing a little bit but the dark brown eyes didn't leave his lips for even a second, like the beautiful man wanted to kiss him just as badly. “I just don't want to get hurt, I'm not sure I could take it at this point. I- I just recovered and-”  
  
“You get hurt by me kissing you? Listen, I’m sorry I really don’t want to make you feel bad or uncomfortable, you just keep popping up in my head and your behaviour doesn’t make sense and I don’t even know what you’re talking about most of the time, gosh.” Hoseok closed his eyes and sucked in a breath, keeping his fingers curled around Hyungwon’s cold, thin wrists.

“Y- you keep thinking about me? But- why? I'm so fucking boring and can't even formulate a proper sentence. Do you want to crack me? Is that it? Please don't do this to me,” the low voice murmured in front of him. It sounded desperate, voice breaking at a few of the words as if- as if Hyungwon was about to cry or something.  
  
_You are making him miserable. But why?_  
  
He loosened the grip on the other man’s wrists and let them go completely, stepping back to put more distance between them.  
  
“Crack you? I don’t know why I’m making you miserable, but I really don’t want that, especially without understanding what exactly it is that I’m making you miserable with,” he murmured and bit down on his lip. He had never been accused like this before and neither did he consider himself a bad person.

“Well- like- get close to the shy ones and make them like you just to fuck off again. I don't know anything else, Hoseok. Don't make me think you might actually be interested in someone like me when it's basically impossible. You've seen nothing yet. I'm fucking d-" Hyungwon stopped talking and bit down on his bottom lip, it looked painful. The way his eyes widened and hands reached out to grab the counter showed how shocked he was himself by the words he had uttered.

It took approximately two seconds before the tall man in oversized clothing turned around and just ran out of the kitchen.  
  
It was strange, as if something was happening without Hoseok realizing it, a side story, a perspective he didn’t see that kept butting in without him perceiving it. If Hyungwon was sad because of him he had to apologize, although he had never thought of ‘getting close to the shy ones’ to fuck off. He mostly had one night stands and those were not really shy. He ran after the slim figure after a couple of seconds, grabbing the other man’s thin wrist and turning him around. Of course he had underestimated his strength and basically threw Hyungwon’s body against his chest.  
  
“Listen I don’t know what I did, but I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”  
  
_You really are._

  
  
***

 

The feeling of dread was spreading faster than Hyungwon was able to process the thoughts that continued to enter his head.

_He wanted to fuck you but you were awkward and didn't let him._

It hurt a little but at the same time it wasn't all that surprising. There was no way that someone as handsome and nice as Hoseok would have a genuine interest in him, the human manifestation of a failure.

_He is even upset that you're boring and neither drink nor take drugs._

Breathing became difficult, lungs clenching on absolutely nothing as blood rushed to his face and his hands began shivering uncontrollably. The signs were clear, panic soaring through him and emotional pain returning to its favourite part in Hyungwon's chest. He wanted to punch it to get it out but he knew that it wasn't going to help. It never did.

_He saw right through you. He knows that you're good for nothing apart from a quick laugh._

Hyungwon would have laughed at his own pathetic self but he felt too numb to do so. He just wanted to fall on his bed and make his surroundings disappear, stop the thoughts in his head. Closing his eyes was absolutely sufficient to let visions of everything he had done wrong pile up.

_You should have changed, you look pathetic._

_You're ugly and stressed and have an outbreak on your neck. He probably saw and won't want to kiss you anymore._

_He doesn't know what he's talking about because he hasn't seen everything yet. He's lying and pitying you._

_He'll laugh once he gets what he wants and it'll be perfectly deserved._

As soon as he emptied his thoughts into Hoseok’s face, not even able to formulate properly, he turned away to not see the disgust on the beautiful man's face. It was just a matter of time and Hyungwon wanted to hide away before he would have to confront it.

_Maybe you should have just died after all._

_Don't think that, it's not true._

The pain spread throughout his lungs and his eyes widened further, panic taking over his body. He ran away, it didn't matter where. He wanted to hide away and deal with his revolting self on his own, without someone like Hoseok seeing him.

_You're pathetic for still thinking you can change his opinion of you._

He wanted to cry although it wouldn't have done anything. The tears collected in his eyes and just poured down his cheeks although he didn't really feel anything, it was just empty, emptiness filled out by numbing pain. There was no relief or anything, just his own thoughts coming back to haunt him.

_Why can other people get their shit together and you are this poor excuse of a human, struggling with things others can do without effort?_

Something ripped him out of his thoughts as warm fingers curled around his wrist and catapulted him against Hoseok’s sculpted chest, impact forcing air out of his lungs. It was enough to allow him to take a proper breath, oxygen burning in his chest. His sight was blurry from the tears and he just wanted to hide. He wasn't allowed to cry, it just made him even more weak and pathetic.

“Listen, I don't know what I did, but I'm sorry. I'm really sorry,” Hoseok murmured into his hair. It hurt because the other man had no idea what he was talking about, he had no reason to apologize.

“It's me, I'm pathetic,” Hyungwon sobbed, lifting his palm to cover his mouth and cry silently. He was disgusting when he cried loudly, even more than usual.

First there was nothing, but then strong and warm arms curled around his waist, pressing him further against Hoseok's chest. He felt how the blonde man leaned in and buried his face in the crook of his neck, soft breaths tickling his skin.

“Bullshit, you're not. I'm sorry, Hyungwon. I really didn't want to make you sad,” the low voice whispered against his neck.

_If it would be sadness you could do something about it._

“I'm not sad,” Hyungwon whispered and focused on the warmth surrounding him. He wasn't sure how he felt about that yet, instinct to run away and hide under his blanket still strong. “J-just why would someone as b-beautiful as you are want to k-kiss me? Can't you just l-laugh at me and get it o-over with?”

Hyungwon wasn't sure why he was saying all that, but it just felt like it might be easier to deal with once he was on his own again. Just waiting for the self loathing to stop and give him peace.

“Hmm, I think you're very beautiful, that's why I keep staring at you. I don't want to laugh at you because there's nothing that would make me want to do that. I'd rather- yeah, rather kiss you, but you seem uncomfortable so I won't.” Hoseok still spoke against his neck, not lifting his head and pressing him against his muscular body.

_He thinks you're beautiful?_

_He's wrong._

“You haven't even really seen me yet,” Hyungwon whispered and thought of the way the warm lips had felt against his. It had been so unexpected. Somehow he always thought that kissing someone he had a crush on would be mind blowing, steal his breath away and let a tingling sensation spread through his body. But it hadn't been like that at all. Rather it seemed like the warmth had spread past his lips to his chest and his mind clouded over a little, like he needed less awareness for whatever had been happening. “The kiss- it- it was different.”

_But he still had no reason to kiss you, none at all. What does he want? You can't give him anything that he might want, you're hopeless._

“I think I'd like to see you. What do you mean by different? I didn't hurt you, or did I?” Hoseok lifted his head and stared at him, worried expression painting the other man's soft features.

“What- n- no, it's just that…” Hyungwon trailed off and wondered how the blonde man constantly managed to embarrass him, independent of how fucking drained he already felt. “I-I thought it would be all butterflies but it's pleasant warmth. Why am I even telling you this-”

“Because I want to know. Hyungwon, would you let me kiss you one more time?” Hoseok's dark brown eyes stared at him with an intensity that he didn't see before, he didn't even know how someone was able to create such power with his eyes only.

_He wants to kiss you again?_

Hyungwon swallowed, not sure how to reply and react to a request like that.

_Who are you to say no anyway? He has probably kissed so many people that were better than you. Who says that you can decide you're too good for this, you're not. You don't fucking deserve it._

His fingers curled into the fabric of Hoseok’s shirt and he exhaled slowly, trying to ignore the sensation in his chest but it was impossible.

_Your thoughts are bullshitting you again, but you can't control it._

Biting down on his lower lip Hyungwon nodded slowly and stared back, watching the dark brown eyes and wondering if it was possible to just drown in them and not reappear. It would have been nice.

Hoseok wiped a tear from his cheek and brushed a loose strand behind his ear, eyes jumping from his eyes to his cheeks and finally mouth before the blonde man licked over his own lips and closed the distance, melting his curved mouth into Hyungwon's.

It was nice, it really was. It was nice enough to let him ignore the fact that Hoseok uncovered his ears and Hyungwon hated his ears so much, the way they curled differently, imperfect like everything else. His fingers grabbed the fabric tighter and he pulled the broad man closer, unsure about how to act apart from closing his eyes slowly and focusing on the sensation against his lips.

_That's not a proper kiss though, is it?_

_Maybe he doesn't want to kiss you properly._

He felt how Hoseok's warm tongue parted his lips sliding into his mouth slowly, while soft exhales tickled along his skin and incredibly warm arms held him tightly.

It was a little scary, as if the beautiful man in front of him read his thoughts and knew what he was thinking, proving him wrong.

Hyungwon squeezed his eyes shut and parted his lips, only hearing the blood rushing in his ears and the vibrations of his heartbeat. He hoped he wasn't holding on too tightly but at the same time he didn't know when it was too tight. Was he supposed to hug his waist too? Or did he have to hug him?

_Why can't you do anything right, Hyungwon?_

Hoseok was playing with his tongue, one hand sinking into his hair and stroking along his scalp, pressing him further into the kiss.

It felt really nice, like the other man genuinely enjoyed what he was doing. Hyungwon couldn't help feeling excited, heart jumping out of his chest as he tried to respond, meeting the warm tongue halfway. Hoseok tasted like spaghetti with pesto but it was fine somehow.

The hand in his hair made him a little worried, concerned that Hoseok would feel how rough his skin was. It would probably disgust him.

_Just like your scars._

Hoseok sucked his lower lip into his mouth, exhaling roughly against his chin. He could feel the warm, muscular body embracing him.

He felt protected somehow although he would have never said that out loud. It was a little pathetic, like he was weak and needed to be protected.

_You never manage anything on your own, of course you need to be protected._

Hyungwon swallowed and pressed further into the kiss, hoping that it would distract him from his thoughts and the burning in his chest. The arms around him were pleasant and he wished he could just melt, keep his eyes closed and not open them anymore. The longer they kissed the more his perceptions changed. There were still no butterflies but a tingling sensation began spreading along his legs.

_Maybe your legs are falling asleep, you weakling._

“I-" Hyungwon gasped against the curved mouth, eyes opening and settling on the other man's beautiful face. He was so damn gorgeous and Hyungwon still couldn't understand why someone like that would want to kiss him. “I'm so sorry- I have no fucking idea how to kiss properly.”

“You're doing it just right, fuck,” Hoseok murmured and used both arms to press him closer, lips immediately searching for his and attaching themselves as if the other man needed it. Hyungwon didn't understand but complied, curling his arms around Hoseok’s waist in return, slowly, centimetre by centimetre without moving too fast and possibly doing something wrong.

The other man said that he was doing it right, but Hyungwon didn't even know what exactly he was doing. He licked inside the warm mouth, meeting the hot tongue and closed his eyes again. Hoseok’s lips felt nice against his, like they were meant to be there although they obviously weren't. He wished he could see them from the side, know what it looked like, whether he was doing what he was supposed to do and how the other man was feeling, but he couldn't. The tingling sensation continued, much unlike the feeling when his legs fell asleep.

“It's- it's nice,” he whispered and hoped that the blonde would give him a few more seconds of the feeling before taking it away again.

_It's not yours to keep._

“I love your lips, you're delicious,” Hoseok commented but his voice was unusually low.

_He thinks you are delicious._

“Y-you taste like pesto but I like it,” Hyungwon murmured back, not sure what else to say to such a sudden compliment and pressed his lips against Hoseok’s again, enjoying the proximity more than he should have.

“Pesto? Fair enough.” There was blush on the pale cheeks as Hoseok leaned in and licked over his bottom lip, nibbling on it with his teeth and pressing him against his body. Hyungwon gasped at the proximity until something rather hard that was pressing into his thigh got his attention.

_Oh god._

He panicked, trying to free himself and put distance between them, another wave of adrenaline hitting his blood and causing his hands to shiver.

_Do you think he would kiss you just like that? Are you an idiot, Hyungwon?_

“W- wait- I- this wasn't intended at all- I,” he mumbled desperately, unable to muster the strength to free himself completely. Hoseok was like a wall.

“What wasn't intended?” The dark brown eyes stared at him waiting for an explanation while Hoseok kept licking over his lips.

_Why is he acting like that? Kissing you can't be all that._

“I- I'm not going to sleep with you or anything,” Hyungwon replied, getting quieter and quieter with each word that passed his lips. Why did he have to be such a nervous wreck? His hands shivered uncontrollably and he just couldn't stop them. Hoseok was close enough to tell and there was no way to hide it.

“Wait, did you think I was going to jump you?” Hoseok opened his mouth in shock. “Wow, thanks for thinking that, you must really think I'm a trash kind of a person.” The warm arms retreated and the blonde man simply stood there and looked at him in disbelief.

_But he got hard, what else would he want? You aren't even pretty and he doesn't know you._

“Well, you-" Hyungwon began and allowed himself a short glance at the other man's crotch that he instantly regretted. Why couldn't he just stay calm? “You r-reacted and why else would you make yourself feel this way unless you intend on doing something about it. I'm sorry.”

“Listen up, Hyungwon, you're hot, okay? I kissed you and you kissed back, my body reacts to you because you're gorgeous, I can't cut my dick off. Why? You are telling me that you're not aroused? Should we look?” Hoseok stepped closer and grabbed his hips, pressing Hyungwon's lower body against himself.

_Oh no, please don't._

Hyungwon couldn't help the gasp and shook his head desperately, like an idiot. Of course he reacted, Hoseok was the most beautiful man he had ever encountered and dared to be interested in. He wouldn't have stalked the pharmacy if he hadn't liked the other man and found him attractive. However, his libido tended to be absent and that was better. Hyungwon hated being close to people, it just reminded him of all the things that were wrong with his appearance.

_Like your sickly body and ruined skin. You're like a charity case._

_It's the face isn't it?_

“D-do you feel attracted to my face?” he asked carefully and tried to put more distance between their bodies without success. Hoseok held him close and didn't let him move back, hips touching.

“I like the way you behave, you're super cute, your face is gorgeous and so is your body, I really like slim guys.” Hoseok exhaled against his lips, playful smile spread on the ridiculously attractive face.

_Slim guys? You're a stick._

His brother qualified as slim but Hyungwon was barely present meat on bones. There wasn't much he could do about it either. His appetite disappeared for days on end sometimes and he really had to force himself to eat.

“I'm a stick,” he murmured and curled arms around his waist, suddenly painfully aware of the fact that Hoseok was able to feel his body with how close they were and all its imperfections. The other man was like a Greek god and Hyungwon could have acted out the sceptre or something.

The blonde epitome of attractiveness curled his arms around his waist and leaned in, pressing a kiss against his neck.

“A chopstick. I love it.”

“Y- you like that? You’re weird,” Hyungwon commented and removed one hand from his waist, slowly moving it towards Hoseok’s biceps and hoping that the other man wouldn't realize immediately. It felt nice, firm and warm. “Usually people like bodies like… , like yours.”

“You can like my body, but I just like chopstick bodies. Want to touch me?” the blonde asked while exhaling against his neck. They were too damn close but Hyungwon didn't know how to move away without using his non-existent strength or falling on his butt. The bruise from the bedside drawer still hurt a little.

_Why are you so fucking embarrassing?_

“W-what? No, it's okay, I don't have to- it's your body and you should touch- oh my god what am I even saying.” He groaned and hid his face under his right palm, keeping the other around Hoseok’s bicep like an idiot. “I mean that I have no right to touch you, independent of whether I want to or not.”

“Why wouldn't you have a right? I asked you to, did I not? I saw how you looked at my chest, don't bullshit me.” Hoseok lifted his face and focused his intense gaze on Hyungwon's eyes smiling brightly. “You're so confusing.”

_Because you're disgusting and it's unfair._

“Because I- I won't let you touch me and it's not fair to touch you when I can't give you the same,” Hyungwon whispered and felt so damn helpless in the embrace, glancing to the side to avoid the intense eyes. It had felt like a protection before but now it seemed like he was being confronted with all those things he kept telling himself he didn't need but actually really wanted despite not deserving any of them. He should have stopped wishing by now but here he was, hoping that the gorgeous man in front of him would want to spend another valuable second in his presence.

“Interesting, but you let me kiss you so that counts. Listen, I will most definitely not do anything you don't want. I'm not a person like that. Do you want me to go, Hyungwon?” The playful smile disappeared, instead the dark-brown eyes looked incredibly serious, arms loosening their grip on his thin body.

The distance allowed him to take a proper breath, become more aware of what was happening. Hyungwon would have laughed at Hoseok thinking he wanted him gone although he kept hoping to be blessed with another second of the blonde man’s presence.

_But maybe it's better when he leaves. He can calm down and realise what a terrible mistake kissing you and being close to you was._

Maybe he wouldn't but Hyungwon had kind of given up on believing in miracles.

“Will you come back?” he asked instead of replying to the question. It was stupid and hopeful of him but he was afraid that if he let Hoseok go now he wouldn't see him again. Hyungwon couldn't let himself drown in repetitive thoughts and blackness again, not now that he finally got his shit together. At least a little.

“That depends on whether you want me to.” The muscular man reached for his hair and ruffled it a little, smiling like the sun right after. “Damn, you're so adorable.”

Hyungwon nodded and hoped that being adorable was a good thing and not the little brother of dumb.

_Stop being so hopeful all the time, you'll just get depressed later._

“I'm sorry- I probably don't make sense to you. I'm not good at talking- at all,” he whispered and put a little bit of distance between them. He felt pretty composed until he felt something against his leg and screamed, jumping to the side and almost having a heart attack until his eyes settled on Shrimp who had been rubbing against his leg and jumped on top of his wardrobe, probably equally scared by his outburst. “Fuck- you scared me.”

_Maybe she saw him often enough from afar to not care anymore._

“You have a cat?” Hoseok stared at him with his mouth wide open.

“Ehm, yeah. She usually gets pretty terrified of strangers so she hides away whenever someone comes. I guess you were here for long enough for her to stop giving a shit,” Hyungwon replied and smiled at Shrimp, trying to convince her to come down from the shelf, unsuccessfully.

“You study dentistry, don't you?” The muscular man smiled and picked a book from the shelf Shrimp was sitting on and pointed at the name.

_At least you’re trying._

“Ehm, yeah- I am,” he replied and stared at Hoseok’s smile, reminding himself that the other man had some of the most beautiful and straight white teeth he had ever seen, almost too perfect. It was the first thing he had looked at when he had entered the pharmacy for the first time. “You have beautiful teeth, makes me want to look at them in detail with my eyes and tongue.”

_What. Are you crazy? He's not your best friend to say stuff like that for fuck’s sake._

It was one of those moments when Hyungwon wished his body would give out and he'd just faint like he did when he over exhausted himself.

“I don't really know how looking at my teeth with your tongue is supposed to work, but as long as it's similar to the kiss today, I'm in. I major in biomedical sciences, that's why I work at the pharmacy, I want to make drugs and medication later. By the way, don't you need new corticosteroids? Come over, I'll make them for you.” Hoseok reached for Shrimp and stroked her behind the ear, earning a soft purr.

Hyungwon wasn't sure what he felt more betrayed by, the fact that Shrimp easily allowed the blonde to caress her fur or that Hoseok knew that he had skin issues. He hated it when people knew, pretending they were fine with it but still staring because it was ugly.

“Biomedical sciences is cool. I'm sure it's hard to learn with a lot of complicated formulas,” Hyungwon murmured and played with the seam of his shirt, wishing to be alone suddenly and not surrounded by anyone or anything apart from his blanket. “Shrimp likes you.”

“And I like you. Have a nice day, Hyungwon.” Hoseok gifted him a mesmerizing smile and walked slowly towards the door. He followed slowly, not sure how to say goodbye without making it too awkward.

“You're really nice,” he murmured and pulled a little at the skin around his thumb, feeling nervous without any particular reason. “I like you too.”

“Good,” Hoseok commented and closed the distance faster than he could open his mouth, placing an incredibly soft kiss on his lips while stroking over his hair once. “See you.”

Hyungwon stood there like an idiot, staring at the closed door and contemplating his life choices. Hoseok was so fucking nice to him, not making fun of him and acting so damn affectionate, as if he meant everything he said. How the hell was Hyungwon supposed to be realistic then? Keep his rational representation of his chances instead of kissing that curved mouth and forgetting that he was disgusting and shouldn't exist.

_You really like him, huh?_

Hyungwon hated it.

_

 

It was Sunday. The fourth Sunday that Minhyuk had asked him to meet up and the first that he had agreed to. It was really difficult to leave the house sometimes, to convince himself that he needed to see something apart from his sheets, his cat and his Twitter timeline. Sometimes it just seemed better to stay with what he knew and not force himself into situations that he couldn’t deal with.

_Like attractive men at the pharmacy that come to your house and kiss you._

Hoseok hadn’t returned yet, but Hyungwon also hadn’t expected him to. It was a little too wishful to believe that a man as a attractive as Hoseok wouldn’t find another person to focus on. Hyungwon was probably just a little thing to fill the days of boredom, cute and funny until something better came along.

“You look like you hate yourself again, Won,” Minhyuk muttered and threw a package of chips at him, his favourite kind. Smiling Hyungwon accepted them with open hands and immediately ripped it open, grabbing one with index finger and thumb and inserting it into his mouth. It was delicious and Minhyuk never blamed him for his unhealthy eating habits. Hyunwoo did, but mainly because he couldn’t eat up all the chips cause Hyungwon did it himself.

“You are a real friend,” Hyungwon replied and got more comfortable, preparing himself for the newest gay asian movie that Minhyuk had downloaded and wanted to watch with him to cry over. It was a little ironic how Hyungwon was able to cry at absolutely everything whereas Minhyuk was the one who loved to watch the movies and stayed absolutely composed, discussing the actor’s butt cheeks in the sex scenes.

Minhyuk giggled and placed himself on top of him, resting his head on his stomach and clicking around with the remote as he threw his legs on the armrest of the couch.

“How are you doing nowadays?” his friend suddenly asked, voice calm and face still fixated on the screen that began to show the intro, a little Chinese village and two boys in a primary school class, one a troublemaker and the other the typical good boy.

_Well, guess who’s going to cry._

“Alright actually. I’m not managing as much of my studies as I wanted to but there are things I’m managing. I’m going to lectures too, embarrassing myself in front of people I find attractive and I haven’t broken down yet, so good I guess. As good as it gets.” Hyungwon chuckled at his own stuttering in front of Hoseok, how he must have seemed at least five years younger and impossibly infantile just because he couldn’t formulate a decent sentence.

“I think you’re cute when you embarrass yourself. I mean- come on, doesn’t every strong muscular guy want a tiny little guy to love and take care of, wiping the tears and cuddling while the sun sets,” Minhyuk elaborated dramatically, waving his arms around and semi-climbing on top of Hyungwon with his bony knees.

“You watch way too many romantic movies,” Hyungwon commented with a laugh and pushed Minhyuk off, cracking up as his friend hit the ground and cussed him out for being irresponsible and bony.

“You just don’t have a heart for romance,” Minhyuk muttered with a pout and slapped his thigh, lying down on top of him again, silver hair spread-out over his oversized t-shirt.

“As if you do, you have a heart for dick,” Hyungwon replied with a grin and remembered that one time Minhyuk complained that his current boyfriend didn’t want to have sex yet and only took him out for dinner.

“True.” Minhyuk smirked and grabbed a few chips from Hyungwon’s package, crunching on them loudly as the main characters of the movie had already grown up and had conflicts in high school as one of them tried to have sex with a girl and failed miserably, being in love with his best friend instead. It was sad.

“I- I kinda met someone,” Hyungwon whispered with the hope that Minhyuk didn’t listen and he wouldn’t have to share although he wanted to, a little bit. It felt better sometimes to get stuff like that out of his system, even if the comments never changed anything.

He had forgotten how attentive Minhyuk was, grabbing the remote in what felt like a few seconds and pausing the movie as he turned around and stared at him, eyes a little nasty.

“You met someone? How if you don’t even meet me, preferring to stay at home. I mean- I understand, it’s hard for you but how the hell did you manage?” A warm smile spread the other man’s lips as he crawled a little further along Hyungwon’s body to be closer. Minhyuk was really pretty.

“At the pharmacy, I forgot my wallet because he was so handsome and he brought it to my apartment,” Hyungwon replied and wondered if it sounded just as weird out loud as it sounded inside his head. Somehow it just didn’t seem like something a normal person would do, just pop up on someone’s doorstep they didn’t even really know.

“Oh my fucking god, he must like you, Hyungwon! Who the hell would go to someone’s apartment instead of just giving it to whomever or sending it by post. Wow, is he hot?” Minhyuk was getting ahead of himself again, shaking his shoulders as if that would get the information faster out of Hyungwon instead of messing up his brain and his speech.

_As if._

“Nah, I think he might be interested because he likes thin guys, that’s what he said. But he knows nothing about me yet and I doubt that he’ll stay around. I asked him to come back, but he didn’t yet so I doubt he’s still interested.” Hyungwon sighed and closed his eyes, resting his head on the soft couch pillow, remembering how beautiful Hoseok’s face was, especially up close when he could have basically counted his eyelashes and the little lines in the other man’s brown eyes.

“Ehm, listen up, genius,” Minhyuk began and got up, sitting down on top of his thighs as if to make sure he wouldn’t run away and lifting up an index finger. “You probably only remember the bad stuff anyway, what happened apart from you being embarrassing and whatever else you think you did horribly. Anything you liked?”

Hyungwon tried to think about that, apart from Hoseok’s eyes and the fact that he was so fucking nice to him despite everything. It made no sense.

“He has nice teeth,” he murmured and turned away to avoid a slap in the face. “Fine, he kissed me, that was nice too.”

The silver-haired man appeared a little shocked before the shock made way for ridiculous excitement, jumping up and down a little bit as he smirked and poked Hyungwon’s chest painfully.

“He what? Oh my god, come on, Hyungwon. If he doesn’t come by you have to go to the pharmacy. If you won’t go I’ll force you there, with a harness around your neck to embarrass you further.”

_God, please no._

“Oh come on, as if you wouldn’t do that just because you’re into it, Min,” Hyungwon replied with a smile and secretly hoped that Minhyuk would forget all about their discussion after the end of the movie. His friend would just focus on the dramatic love story and on how they should have included more sex instead of frustrating plot twists.

_You don’t want to force yourself on him, Hyungwon. If he wants to see you he will come._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

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_ You don’t have time for this shit, Hoseok. _   
  
He sorted out his scripts and looked for apartments for his brother at the same time. Changkyun was super smart but kind of helpless when it came to practical things. His phone rang out of nowhere in addition to the giant fuckery on his desk.   
  
“Hoseok, sunshine, you know I bought this wrinkle cream and now my skin burns, I sent you the photo of the ingredients and the red spot, can you tell me whether it’s something I might be allergic to? So I can avoid it?” The pleasant voice made him smile although the content didn’t.   
  
“How was your trip, mom? You didn’t even call once, does that mean that it was good?” he asked and put his mother on speaker while looking through his WhatsApp messages until he had found the pictures his mother sent. There were 3000 different ingredients, how the fuck was he supposed to know what she was allergic to?   
  
_ Well shit. _   
  
“It was amazing, did you find an apartment for Kkung yet? He was accepted so he needs to move in soon, you should hurry up a little.” His mother was so good at asking for things but never at answering his questions properly.   
  
“I’m on it. Mom, there’s a lot of stuff in the cream, don’t use it. Also go to the dermatologist and let him do an allergy test so you know for sure.” He scrolled through the different university sites, looking for something suitable for his brother in the process.   
  
“Why should I, if I have you? You study it anyway so you should know.” His mother’s voice reminded him of the fact that it had always been the reason for everything.    
  
_ You can do it all for them, so they don’t have to do anything themselves. _   
  
_ The best. _   
  
“You should’ve just become a doctor, we wouldn’t have all these problems then.” The voice on the other end of the line sighed and his mother hung up after reminding him once again that she wasn’t satisfied, with anything.   
  
_ Just make sure that you’re satisfied. At least that. _ __  
__  
It was funny somehow, his family thought he didn’t do his best although he kept doing everything for them. He basically worked like a professional with a degree but got paid like a student and the chopstick person he was genuinely interested in thought he would seduce shy guys, fuck them and leave. Amazing.   
  
_ Isn’t your image a little off? _ __  
__  
He massaged his temples and stood up from his chair, walking out of his room and straight into Kihyun’s. The brown-haired man was sitting on his bed and reading shakespeare. An intellectual.   
  
“Knock, you dumbass, can you do anything besides eating ass?” the low voice commented without looking up. Hoseok wanted to slap him.   
  
“I’m in a bad mood, don’t say stuff like that or I might accidentally throw you out of the fucking window.” He sat down next to his best friend and let his upper body fall on the sheets. He hoped Kihyun washed them. At least once a month.    
  
_ Please. _ __  
__  
“If you didn’t know me, what would you think about me? I keep thinking that there’s something wrong with how I behave towards other people, they keep misunderstanding or underestimating me. I hate it,” Hoseok murmured and closed his eyes, feeling how his best friend shifted on the mattress, showing that he had caught the other man’s interest with his question.   
  
“Well, I guess I would think that you’re an intimidating, flirty bastard who fucks around and doesn’t really care.” Kihyun was fast, as if the answer had already been there before he asked.   
  
“And what do you think now that you’ve known me for such a long time already?” Hoseok really hoped that it wasn’t the same.   
  
“You’re an intimidating, flirty bastard who fucks around, but is so fucking concerned with everyone that it’s fucking annoying. Why are you so nice, Hoseok? It doesn’t give you anything or does it? You’re nice to me, to your narcissistic mom, to random people at the pharmacy, at the uni, just stop, just care about yourself and become successful and ignorant. It seriously breaks my heart because no-one is thankful to you. I want to drop kick them.” Kihyun talked without a break while looking at his book, which meant that he was sincere.   
  
__ No-one is thankful to you. That’s the sad truth.

_ Do you even want them to be thankful? _ __  
__  
He wanted to see Hyungwon all of a sudden, someone who told him that he was too good. Of course it was bullshit, the tall, black-haired man was absolutely gorgeous. Sure the clothing style he chose to wear at home could’ve been better, the apartment could’ve been cleaner, he could’ve acted as if he sincerely liked Hoseok instead of being all uncomfortable and somehow distant and hesitant.   
  
_ You can’t be everybody's darling. Maybe he’s the one who doesn’t consider you amazing and is just saying all those things so you fuck off. _ __  
__  
But still something about Hyungwon fascinated him. He was so different from everything he had seen every day, those masses of people coming into his life and leaving just as fast apart from a couple of very persistent ones, like Kihyun.   
  
“Do you think I should get a boyfriend and settle down?” he asked with a chuckle before standing up from his best friend’s bed.   
  
“Don't make those jokes, Hoseok. Isn’t that what every gay man says? ‘I want to settle down but I also want to fuck Marc, Max and Marcel at the club.’ Don’t make me laugh.” Kihyun pulled his lips into his mouth and tried hard not to laugh.   
  
_ Maybe. Maybe it’s just not for you, you have enough responsibilities for your family and friends. _ __  
  
_   
  
  
_ He doesn’t even have your number and you don’t have his. You have to go there if you want to see him. _ __  
__  
Admittedly he hadn’t been the smartest person by not giving his contact information to Hyungwon, although something deep inside made him think that the other wouldn’t have called anyway.   
  
_ He said he wanted you to come. So you should come at least once to make sure. _ __  
__  
He picked black extra ripped jeans that showed a lot of his thighs and a loose blue silk shirt that he pushed into the jeans loosely. He came right out of the shower so his bangs were a little wet, but he looked good. Very good.   
  
__ At least there are no people who are dissatisfied with your looks.   
  
He arrived after a couple of minutes, getting all happy and excited because of the orange building and the person inside. He might have had a crush on the chopstick dude, a rare occasion, but something he could deal with. At least he hoped he could.   
  
Again he ran up the stairs and pressed the bell, waiting for the gorgeous face to come out.

There was fumbling just like the last times, feet running around although they didn’t make all that much noise. Whatever it was that Hyungwon did when someone rang the door, he did it every fucking time.

After a couple of seconds the door opened a little bit and familiar black hair popped up, big eyes widening in surprise.

“Oh my god, you actually came,” Hyungwon exclaimed and opened the door a little wider before hesitating. “Why?”   
  
Two weeks had passed so Hoseok must’ve forgotten their amazing communication patterns that didn’t make any fucking sense.   
  
“Uhm, you told me you wanted me to come, or is it not relevant anymore?” Hoseok felt how his gaze changed and he barely prevented himself from just walking into the other man’s home, like the last couple of times.

“No- no, it is! I did want you to come, I just didn’t think that you would anymore,” Hyungwon murmured and opened the door completely, stepping to the side. “Please come in, although it’s a mess and I was in the middle of trying to eat pizza. D-do you want some? I never finish it anyway.”   
  
“I won’t say no, thank you.” He walked in and took off his shoes for once, like a decent person. “How have you been? I realized I didn’t have your number, I would’ve written or called earlier if I had your contact info to be honest.” Smiling he leaned against his favorite spot, the kitchen counter.

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and played with the seam of his sweatshirt, watching him intently. It was fucking hot but for some reason he couldn’t even imagine the other in a t-shirt, he never wore them. Appearing like he remembered something the black-haired man disappeared from the room and returned with a pizza box. He had probably been eating in his bedroom.

_ Goals. _

“I was fine, trying to study as always. Y-you?” Hyungwon asked and placed the pizza box on the small kitchen table, opening it and taking a random olive from the cheese and inserting it into his mouth instead of the whole thing.   
  
“It’s the same for me actually, the semester will be over soon but I have to work and there are- well there are a lot of other things I normally have to do, so I’m trying to keep up and not drown.” Hoseok walked over to the table and grabbed a slice, biting off a huge piece and chewing it.   
  
_ You probably look like those bunny videos, where they eat salad. _   
  
Hyungwon nodded and pouted, lips impossibly thick when he did that. “That must suck so bad,” he commented and took another olive, placing it into his big mouth. “I can’t imagine what it would be like to work parallel to studying. I don’t do anything apart from dentistry and I don’t even manage that. You’re admirable for doing so many things at once, wow.” 

Turning towards him the black-haired man stared at him for a few seconds with a deadpan facial expression, watching him chew the pizza, before a smile pulled at the corners of his plump mouth and he looked away, staring at the cardboard box instead.   
  
_ He saw. _   
  
“I know that I look like a bunny, it’s my nickname, because my mouth moves so funny when I eat.” He grinned and stuffed the rest of the slice into his mouth, happy about the taste of cheese.

“It’s very- flexible I guess,” Hyungwon remarked and chuckled, grabbing another olive and pulling it through the cheese before eating it, placing it deep into his mouth with his index finger and thumb. It was equally funny if not more to be honest.

_ He's freaking adorable. _   
  
“You bet it is,” Hoseok commented and winked at the black-haired man who was about to put another olive into his mouth. Unfortunately the olive didn’t go where it was supposed to as Hyungwon inhaled sharply and choked on it, eyes widening and coughing loudly. Grabbing the corner of the table the slim man inhaled through his nose slowly and grabbed a stray glass filled with brown liquid and downed it.   
  
_ Is death because of sexual innuendos a thing? _

“Sure,” he murmured eventually and tried to catch his breath some more. “You don’t look like a bunny though. Bunnies are cute, small and fluffy and not broad, muscular and hot. Just saying.” Blush spread over the pretty cheeks as soon as the words had left the plump mouth and Hyungwon placed a piece of feta cheese into his mouth, visibly pretending he hadn’t said anything and attempting to look away.   
  
“I think my image sucks, I had a discussion about it with my best friend, people tend to think that I’m- well…” He stopped and looked to the ceiling, contemplating whether Hyungwon really needed to know about his problems. “What do you think about me? Apart from me being muscular and hot I mean?”

“You’re way too nice to me,” Hyungwon replied and grabbed the empty glass, carrying it to the sink and rinsing it out with water. He was probably trying to occupy himself with something because the place sure as fuck didn’t look like he rinsed his glasses on a regular basis. “Do you want coffee? More pizza? I don’t really have much to offer.”   
  
“You’re funny, I think you’re the only person who said that he thinks that I’m nice after meeting me for a couple of times only. I actually came to see you, so it’s fine.” He rubbed his hands to get rid of the crumbs and grabbed the kitchen counter with both hands. He really didn’t want to do anything stupid. “Aren’t you hot?”

“W-what?” Hyungwon asked, turning around and staring at him while pulling the sleeves of his sweatshirt further over his wrists. “N-no, not at all. I-it’s fine like this. I-I like this sweatshirt,” he mumbled and didn’t let go of the sleeves. Now that Hoseok had heard the black-haired man speak several sentences without stuttering once it seemed a little unusual to hear it again, as if the question had made Hyungwon uncomfortable.   
  
“I hope you’re not losing it because you think that I will jump you and undress you or something,” Hoseok muttered and walked over to the kettle, pouring water in and pushing the button. He wanted coffee but he wasn’t willing to watch how Hyungwon possibly burned his hands or mouth or whatever while trying to appear composed.

“No! Not at all,” the black-haired man replied and gestured with his hands in addition. “I don’t think you will jump me- oh man that sounds so weird, who even says that?”   
  
“I’d love to, but I won’t.” He acted all busy, filling the instant coffee powder into the cup and waiting for the water to boil.

“Because you can get something better?” Hyungwon asked calmly as if that was the most reasonable thing to say, sitting down at the table and picking some more ham from the pizza.   
  
“Uhm no? Because I don’t think that it’s something you want. You told me you don’t want it, so why would I do it? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable although I always manage to, what a skill.” He chuckled and poured the boiling water into his cup.

Hyungwon stood up quickly and picked a spoon from the sink, rinsing it and giving it to him while chewing on his lower lip.

“You just seemed like your main interest in other men consisted of- yeah,” the black-haired man mumbled and licked over his lips quickly, big eyes focusing on Hoseok’s mouth. “You’re just way too nice to me at the same time and it doesn’t add up, unless you have ulterior motives that I don’t understand.”   
  
_ Ah, there it is, the misunderstanding. _

He sighed, tired of proving himself all the time although his lifestyle did contribute to his image, admittedly.   
  
“I seem like I fuck around? Yes. I do fuck around, because it’s easier like that. Why is the fact that I fuck around and my interest in you not compatible? What ulterior motives do you think I have?” He pulled the milk out of the fridge and poured some into the coffee before focusing his attention on Hyungwon’s face.

The other man seemed a little uncomfortable, shifting around like he felt out of place in his own kitchen.

“I know,” he murmured eventually, followed by a sigh and long fingers that curled into fists. “Fucking around is easy because you get the edge off and it’s mostly attractive people that feel the same way, no attachment and no strings that you have to deal with, no person that will run after you and wish to continue it, optimally. The thing is just, if you constantly keep your sexual encounters as emotionless as possible, won’t it be difficult to act differently with another person? To separate it? To stop fucking around and reacting to innuendos just because you suddenly have interest in someone that is not purely sexual?”   
  
“Well, I’m here although you told me you won’t let me touch you, hi.” He leaned against the counter and took a big gulp of the coffee. “Regarding the innuendos, I’m sorry, I’m just flirty, ignore me.”

“Ehm, so you actually don’t mean those? You just say them like that?” Hyungwon appeared surprised, eyes widening a little and stepping closer, leaning against the counter with his slim frame, barely visible with the loose clothes he constantly wore, apart from those times at the club.   
  
“Of course I mean them, but I told you to ignore them because you might feel bad about it, fine I’ll try not to throw innuendos at you, although I can’t promise anything.” He tried not to look to the side to prevent himself from more inappropriate things he might say if he looked at the gorgeous man next to him.

“It’s okay- you can say them. I’m just being dumb, my best friend does it all the time and I deal with it. I guess I’m just being pointlessly sensitive again. I’m sorry, I’m just not used to anybody showing any kind of interest in me that doesn’t consist of me dropping all of my school books into a fountain.” The beautiful man sighed and pulled himself up on the counter, scratching over the working area with his nails and throwing his head back. “I’m still kinda trying to get used to this I guess. It’s harder than I thought.”   
  
“You don’t believe me? Or what is it?” Hoseok still turned around, staring right into the big brown eyes that were higher than his because the other man was sitting on the counter.

“It’s- rather complicated. I’ll try to explain. I do believe you, but that doesn’t change the way I think myself, you know? You could say that I am beautiful but that doesn’t mean I stop thinking I resemble a dirty potato sack. It just doesn’t work.” The other man looked up, staring at the ceiling and pressing his thin thighs together, showing more of the outline.   
  
Hoseok was absolutely shocked that Hyungwon would seriously compare himself to a dirty potato sack and opened his mouth in protest.   
  
“Oh god, you’re gorgeous, I thought about you although I should’ve been taking care of all the responsibilities I have, but no, your stunning figure kept appearing and making my life hard, I can’t believe you just compared yourself to a potato sack.” Hoseok turned his body and positioned himself across from Hyungwon.

The handsome man stopped looking at the ceiling and glanced down, focusing his gaze on Hoseok’s face. A smile was on his lips but it looked a little sad.

“Thank you,” he whispered and grabbed the edge of the counter, eyes jumping from Hoseok’s eyes to his nose and his lips. “You’re beautiful.”   
  
“So are you,” Hoseok whispered back and stared at the mesmerizing face. Hyungwon hadn’t shaved, a couple of stubbles were visible on the golden skin, plump lips shining from the moisture the other man provided by licking over them repeatedly and the big, brown eyes, so warm and pretty.    
  
_ You’re hooked. _

“Who knows, maybe I’ll agree someday,” Hyungwon commented and grinned. “I already stopped lying around and contemplating how to fall into a river in the middle of winter and not reappear.” It was a little disconcerting how the other man could grin while he said that, eyes bright despite the words.

_ What? He wanted to drown? Or is he just saying that? _

Hoseok closed the distance and curled his arms around Hyungwon’s thin waist, pressing his face against the slim chest while remaining silent. What could he say? If it was true there was nothing he could’ve told the other man and something told him that it somehow fit to the way Hyungwon had talked about himself.

_ Why do you always fall for people who want to fade? _

The black-haired man exhaled in surprise and lifted his arms, curling them around Hoseok’s shoulders hesitantly. A few seconds passed as Hyungwon carefully spread his legs to allow Hoseok to get a little closer and hug him more easily.

“Why are you suddenly hugging me?” he asked, voice low and long fingers playing with the fabric at Hoseok’s back.   
  
“I just felt like it, I felt like it after coming in but I held myself back which I’m proud of, but now I snapped, sorry.” He chuckled and sucked in a breath. Hyungwon smelled like a mixture of pizza and detergent.

“It’s okay,” the handsome man replied with an audible smile. “It doesn’t really qualify as ‘jumping’ me, does it? It’s nice. I’m just sorry that I’m so thin.”   
  
“Be sorry for thinking that I have ulterior motives instead,” Hoseok murmured and lifted his head to look at the black-haired man. “You just tell me if you don’t like something, okay? Will you do that?”

“Sure, the list is long though. I hate vegetables for example,” Hyungwon replied with a grin and laughed at his own joke, loudly and almost falling forward on top of Hoseok’s shoulder. “But I am sorry for assuming you are like my brother, I apologize.”   
  
“Like your brother? He’s fucking around a lot or why?” He loved the feeling of holding Hyungwon close, he would’ve loved it if the other had just attached himself like a koala.

The black-haired man nodded and pursed his lips. “He’s gorgeous and knows how to use it I guess. You are also gorgeous and flirty so I just assumed. Especially since no one ever shows any interest in me and if they do I ruin it. It’s a vicious cycle.” Hyungwon laughed again and shifted a little, making more room between his legs for Hoseok’s body. The tall man had a really slim frame, one might have needed two of him to fill out Hoseok’s mass if not more.   
  
He gladly took the space Hyungwon gave him to come closer and to pull the other man’s slim body further against his own. Burying his face in the crook of Hyungwon’s neck he drew tiny circles over the prominent spine, exhaling softly against his smooth neck.    
  
“Good for him then.” Hoseok didn’t care, there were a lot of people like that, but he still didn’t understand the change in behaviour between the evenings they’ve met and the days where he saw Hyungwon at the pharmacy or the apartment. “So you never go to parties and make out with people or...?”

Hyungwon sighed, long fingers travelling along Hoseok’s shoulders until they arrived at his blonde strands, raking through them subconsciously. He loved it.

“Only when my friend forces me, but the last time was a year or two ago, before it got worse. My brother also took me before because he loved the reaction, but- no not really. I wish I could go and socialize and all that but it’s really hard for me. I’m not like him at all. The malfunctioning model.” Hyungwon laughed again and licked over his lips.   
  
_ Wait what? He can’t be lying or can he? Or did you hallucinate? Twice? _ __  
__  
“Dumb question, but do you have a doppelganger or something?” Hoseok lifted his head and examined the other man’s big eyes intently. They widened as full lips parted and long fingers tightened a little in his hair.

“Why...?” Hyungwon asked carefully.   
  
“Because I saw you making out with a dude in front of a bathroom at a party a month ago and you sat on my lap two weeks ago calling me an asshole for not fucking you. But it somehow doesn’t fit,” he murmured, hoping he didn’t sound like a mental person.

The color disappeared completely from Hyungwon’s face, resembling chalk more than his usual golden tone.

“Oh my god,” the low voice whispered as eyes widened and the black-haired man pushed him a little backwards with the limited amount of strength he had. “Oh no.”   
  
“What? It just doesn’t make sense because you’re so different. I thought you were just acting as if it wasn’t you but now I’m not so sure anymore. I called you by the name though.” He couldn’t help staring at Hyungwon’s face that looked absolutely terrified.

“D-did you touch him?” Hyungwon asked, stuttering returning as if it had never left. “W-were you close?”   
  
_ Him?  _ __  
__  
_ Oh holy fuck. _ __  
__  
“He kinda climbed over the table and we made out, but I went home and he told me that I’m an asshole for not pulling through. This is why I asked you when I came to bring you the shirt! I was so shocked that you’d just, you know, jump me. It wasn’t you? What kind of movie is this?” Hoseok bit down on his lip, it suddenly made so much sense, it couldn’t have been Hyungwon, no fucking way.

“W-why are you still here if you met him though?” the black-haired man asked hesitantly, fear still absolutely clear on his face.   
  
“I don’t like him. I actually didn’t want to come because I was disappointed, but I had to give back the shirt and then you were you and I forgot and thought you were on drugs or something.” Hoseok couldn’t believe he made out with a person who looked exactly like Hyungwon.   
  
_ It’s his brother, you genius, it’s a twin isn’t it? _ __  
__  
“Oh god, was it your brother? Why the fuck did he respond to the same name?”

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek, nodding slowly and returning his hands to Hoseok’s shoulders, drawing circles on his skin.

“His name is Kyungwon, but people fuck up our names all the time, so we don’t bother anymore,” he replied quietly and bit down on his lower lip. “You’re his type.”   
  
“I know, he climbed over the fucking table. He’s not my type though. You are.” Hoseok licked over his lips, feeling like he was in a bad movie and thanking gods, karma and lack of alcohol for not fucking Hyungwon’s brother.

“But we look the same, just that he’s the better version. He’s gorgeous, smart and confident. I don’t see how you can not like him. He’s everything I am not and more,” the black-haired man elaborated and seemed a little excited, like he was talking about the best person in the world.   
  
“Uhm awesome, he does look good, just like you, but I don’t like his character, sorry. I mean he’s surely an amazing brother and everything, I can’t say anything about that, but regarding my personal preference, he’s not really my style. He had vodka, which is why I told you back then and was perplexed when you said that you hate vodka, what a mess. Why didn’t you mention that you have a twin?” It would’ve prevented so many idiotic situations.

“I-” Hyungwon looked uncomfortable again, glancing to the side. “I was convinced that if you knew you wouldn’t come back and prefer him instead. It always happens, I- I was being pathetic I guess, as usual.”   
  
“Gosh, you stupid person, you don’t even know how happy I am that it wasn’t you, it stayed a lot on my mind.” Hoseok looked up, focussing his gaze on the handsome face. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on the beautiful, plump lips. Hyungwon gasped, eyes widening and fingers digging into Hoseok’s shoulders a little in response, like the tall man was surprised by the sudden affection.

“I don’t understand you at all, Hoseok, but thank you. Thank you so much,” the black-haired man whispered and tightened his thighs around Hoseok’s hips a little, but it was barely traceable with how little strength the other man had, not comparable with the way his brother had pulled Hoseok over the table.   
  
_ That bitch. _ __  
__  
“You don’t need to understand me, as long as I understand myself.” He came closer, breathing hot air against Hyungwon’s mouth and enjoying the big hands around his shoulders.   
  
“Kiss me.”  
  


***

 

_ He made out with Kyungwon. _

The thought was absolutely terrifying, numbing his feelings and forcing all the blood to leave his face. It was just like all the times before when someone had been interested in Hyungwon, returning feelings just to realize that there was a much better version of him available, confident with beautiful skin, beautiful body and gorgeous face. There wasn’t much that Hyungwon could do about that, it felt like a process that just happened naturally and he watched it happen and dealt with the aftermath.

_ Kyungwon deserves it all. _

It was difficult to understand how Hoseok would prefer Hyungwon. The words entered his brain and were processed, producing the correct meaning, but it still didn't make sense. He didn’t even think that it was his pessimistic thinking this time, there was just no way that anybody would consider Hyungwon to be better company, especially if he didn’t manage to get out a single proper sentence.

_ Why is Hoseok so interested in you? _

Hyungwon didn’t know, but he was so fucking thankful and scared at the same time. Thankful that Hoseok was in the momentary confusion of preferring him and scared that it would change as soon as he met Kyungwon in all his glory and without the influence of alcohol.

_ Maybe you can just hide all the bad things about yourself. _

It was a stupid thought but Hyungwon held onto it for a while longer, looking at the beautiful man in front of him and enjoying the way the short kiss that he placed on his lips felt. He didn’t understand Hoseok and told him, but somehow it didn’t seem to matter to the blonde man, merely holding him close and watching his face intently again.

_ Maybe there is something on your face again? _

He might have panicked had the other man not said the next two words, asking him to kiss him, by himself.

His eyes widened as his lips parted, gaze switching from Hoseok’s eyes to his lips and back. He hesitated, fascinated by the beautiful man and afraid to do something wrong, to fuck up somehow. A few seconds passed before Hyungwon finally nodded slowly, hands tightening around Hoseok’s shoulders and pink tongue moving out to lick over his lips. They felt so dry after the request and he didn’t want Hoseok to feel uncomfortable while kissing him. Hyungwon wanted him to enjoy it, just like before. 

His movements were painfully slow and careful, moving forward with his eyes wide open until he finally touched his lips to Hoseok’s, exhaling sharply at the sensation. He had never actually been the one to initiate a kiss, to be the one who was allowed to kiss another person instead of being kissed himself. He kept his eyes open and stared into Hoseok’s, trying to see whether the other man was uncomfortable or hated it in any way. Only when there was no such thing, at least none he could tell, he finally let his eyes flutter shut and parted his lips, licking into the fascinatingly curved mouth.

Kissing was really nice.

Hoseok curled his arms tighter around his waist and pulled him towards himself, hereby almost letting him slip from the counter. The beautiful, blonde man kissed back, so soft and somehow sensual, playing with his tongue and sucking his bottom lip into his attractive mouth.

Hyungwon enjoyed every second of it, although he had kissed the blonde man before. It was like each kiss had something different, adding a little bit to how he perceived it and felt during it. Hoseok’s lips seemed impossibly soft this time, like he was worried about hurting Hyungwon even though it was just a kiss. The gesture alone sent warmth through his chest, stronger than before. It still didn’t resemble butterflies but it was perfect like that.

Curling his arms further around the broad shoulders he tried to get closer without falling off the counter, focusing on the way the other man’s muscular body felt against his, warm and so damn broad compared to himself. It felt like Hoseok could hug Hyungwon and he would be barely visible, surrounded by warmth. It sounded like the best thing in the world.

_ Don’t let him see too much. _

His mind reminded him of possible bruises that were visible with the way his sweatshirt moved around his neck and he panicked a little, tensing and trying to remain as still as possible to keep his skin covered, only showing the few pretty parts.

_ You keep forgetting that he doesn’t know what you really look like. _

Hoseok must've realized his tensed posture. 

“Is everything okay? Do you want me to stop?” the low voice asked in between the kisses.

Hyungwon nodded although stopping was the last thing on his mind. His brain kept adding things that might throw Hoseok off as soon as he realized, the fact that he hadn’t shaved and showered two days ago and the only clean thing about him was his sweatshirt which he was absolutely afraid of moving wrongly and revealing something ugly about himself. Dread kept spreading through his chest and he just wanted it to stop.

“I'm sorry,” Hoseok murmured in apology and bit down on his prettily curved bottom lip. He kept his muscular arms around him, pressing him closer to himself. Hyungwon was thankful for the remaining proximity, it made him feel a little less disgusting.

“Don’t be sorry, I’m just a little fucked in the head,” he murmured and pressed his face to Hoseok’s shoulder, hoping he could stay there for a while until the numbing sensation disappeared and he didn’t feel the need to hide under his blanket and cry for absolutely no reason.

“Aren't we all in one way or another?” Hoseok chuckled and stroked over his hair carefully, as if he was afraid to break him. 

_ Who knows, you broke before, you probably break easily. _

“Thank you, Hoseok, just push me away if I accidentally ruin your shirt, I’m- ah I don’t know. I want to be alone.” Hyungwon closed his eyes and inhaled the mixture of pizza and something that resembled honey but he wasn’t too sure, especially because he couldn’t imagine Hoseok covering himself with honey for no reason. The thought made him laugh suddenly, lifting his head and almost choking on his own spit. “Fuck, I must seem manic.”

“It's fine, I'm just asking myself whether I should go, because you want to be alone, or just hug you like crazy because that's what I want,” Hoseok's low voice whispered against his ear, placing a kiss on the shell right after.

“Just come back later, please,” Hyungwon murmured and pressed himself a little closer, butt barely touching the counter anymore, most of his weight resting on Hoseok’s hips. It was a little embarrassing.

Hoseok just took him from the counter and carried him to his bedroom for some reason, placing him on top of his bed. Hyungwon panicked instantly, body freezing in place and eyes widening as he stared at the man in front of his bed.

“Okay. Get some rest then. When do you want to see me again?”

Hyungwon couldn’t believe that Hoseok acted on his request so easily, willing to follow through with his strange moods and inability to take people for too long.

“W-would Saturday be okay? It will be after an exam,” he replied quietly and forced himself to keep his random outburst of tears inside until Hoseok had closed the door behind himself.

“It's fine. I'll come,” the beautiful man replied with a nod and leaned down to kiss him once again. “Take care, Hyungwon.” Hoseok smiled and turned around, closing the door behind himself.

As soon as the sound of the closing door rushed through the apartment like a soft wind Hyungwon felt tears run down his cheeks, just like that and absolutely unannounced, followed by the familiar burning in his chest and the wish to just disappear somewhere dark and not reappear.

_ Why do you react like this even though something good happened? _

Because it could disappear just as easily.

 

_

 

His movements were painfully slow, grabbing the seam of his gigantic t-shirt and rolling it up with his long fingers. The fabric almost crawled upwards with how he pulled at it, barely using any strength and feeling how dread spread through his chest at the knowledge of what he was going to see.

Hyungwon held his breath, scared that too much air would allow a sob to escape his lips, forcing him back into a mental breakdown and absolute numbness instead of what he had to do.

_ You just have to shower, Hyungwon. It's so easy for others, pleasant even. _

He hated it. It was like confronting oneself with something revolting, a spoiled sandwich, a mouldy apple, something that could have been pretty but wasn't. Swallowing he let his shirt ride up higher until he brushed his collarbones and pulled it over his head, shivering a little at the cool air that hit his skin. It felt strange and he tried to count the seconds as he undid the string of his sweatpants. He always made a double knot to make sure they didn't slip down his hips. He was too fucking thin for this world.

_ Still not thin enough to just disappear into thin air.  _

Hyungwon swallowed again, feeling the familiar burning at his eyes and the pulling in his chest. It was so fucking hard to control his thoughts. A glance towards his desk revealed a small post-it note in yellow, written in his own hand writing with the words ‘You're pretty, Hyungwon.’ on them. It felt a little bit like he was lying to himself, pretending that it was his own name although his writing was so fucking ugly one might have thought it was the name of his brother.

_ Maybe it is. That would at least be the truth. _

He pulled at the sweatpants, feeling them slide down his long and thin legs, a little unpleasant on areas where a new allergic reaction had begun and he actually should have put cream. He didn't really scratch anymore and hated undressing so it was just easier to not look at it instead of confronting himself and taking care of it.

_ Just put some on after showering. _

Sinking his long fingers under the waistband of his underwear he tried to imagine that it was someone else instead of his own body, just a mechanical action that he had to perform to help that one helpless, ridiculously sick-looking person.

Once the soft fabric landed on the carpet covered floor in his bedroom Hyungwon stepped out of it, staring at his legs and the various scars that covered them. They were everywhere, on his ankles, moving upwards over his calves and littering his slim thighs. It looked beyond ugly and he fought the wish to get rid of the little bit of pizza he had eaten an hour ago. His knees were bulky, like a foreign entity on his legs, one that didn't belong just like everything else.

_ You're disgusting, Hyungwon.  _

He let his right arm slide over the left one, feeling the way the skin appeared a little irregular, equally covered in scars and patches of irritated skin. He bit his lip painfully to avoid the wish to bury his hands in his arms and make the scars disappear, cover them with something else.

He didn't do it, knowing that it was only temporary and just the way his brain worked, finding every little detail that was wrong with him and constantly reminding him of it until he just wished to fade away, just get thinner until he wasn't there anymore.

_ It's temporary.  _

Hyungwon closed his eyes to avoid the sight and let his arms hang loosely at his sides, breathing regularly and trying to get used to the familiar emotional pain in his chest that he couldn't remove.

Sometimes he really wondered why he bothered with treatment if he still had to deal with feeling like this.

He knew his apartment well enough to walk through it with closed eyes, holding onto the walls on the way to the bathroom and squeezing his eyes shut as he passed the full-size mirror that his mother insisted he should have. It was one of the objects that scared him the most, showing everything he hated about himself all at once.

_ What the hell does Hoseok even see in you? You'll have to hide this, Hyungwon. He'll be revolted. _

His fingers found the handle of the bathroom door and he finally opened his eyes, jumping from one post-it note to the next, trying to make himself believe the words, at least until he could finally breathe without wishing to die.

He stepped into the shower and turned on the water, ice cold at first and only slowly turning warmer but it didn't matter somehow. Hyungwon couldn't really feel it so he stood there, letting the drops run along his poor excuse of a body. 

_ Why would he ever touch you? Even you don't want to touch yourself.  _

He swallowed and turned the water back to cold, hoping that his body would react somehow, make him feel the cold but he didn't really. It was just water and absolutely meaningless.

_ It's only temporary.  _

He scrubbed over his body, leaving the water cold and shampooed his hair, motions absolutely automatic. Once he was done he turned off the water and curled himself up in a towel, drying his body a little but not his hair. It didn't really seem to matter at this point.

He left the bathroom and walked back to his bed, listening to the way drops of water hit the wooden floor on the way.

_ Now you are even ruining the floorboards. You're really good for nothing. _

Once his face focused on his sheets he let himself fall, curling up in the blanket and squeezing his eyes shut, hoping that he would just pass out and get rid of the numbing feeling, return to being functional again.

__ Please.  
  


_

 

Hyungwon woke up with the intense feeling of itching skin all along his legs.

_ You never put cream on, do you? _

Opening his eyes he groaned and rolled to the side, realizing that he was only wrapped in a towel and his own blanket. He panicked a little until he remembered that he had one of his numb phases, taking his ability to reason.

_ At least you didn't hurt yourself. _

He stood up quickly, almost falling over again with how stars appeared in front of his eyes, blood circulation struggling with the sudden motion. Once he recovered sufficiently he grabbed a freshly washed t-shirt and a new pair of sweatpants, throwing the previous ones into a corner of the room. 

The itch remained so he walked to the kitchen, looking for the cream that Hoseok had made for him back then. 

_ When you met the first time and rejected that stroopwafel. _

Hyungwon smiled until his fingers kept fumbling with the items in his medbox and didn't find the cream. Had he put it somewhere else?

The panic rose at the thought that he would have to take the unpleasant feeling despite having picked up cream before.

_ You even got it because you had none left. _

Hyungwon groaned and threw a random spoon that was lying on the kitchen counter against the wall. It was stupid but it felt like it helped him get rid of the piled up frustration a little bit.

_ You're simply crazy. _

A glance at a small package of pills revealed that he hadn't taken any the last two days, barely leaving his bed.

_ You idiot.  _

The paused medication also explained his struggling circulation, the perfect sign that he was utterly incapable and even forgot the meds that were supposed to make him feel better. He swallowed a pill and downed a glass of water right after, wondering whether his feeling of hunger would return any time soon.

_ You need to get the cream, Hyungwon. It will only get worse. _

_ But he didn't even have a prescription and no person with a brain would give him a cream that one only got over prescription just like that. Fuck. _

Hyungwon wanted to chop off his leg at this point, but it wouldn't have helped at all. He sighed and returned to his bed, curling up again and squeezing his eyes shut, hoping that he would be able to fall asleep again. It was only two ways, either he slept for days or he couldn't fall asleep for days, simple as that. He genuinely hoped it was the first.

Unfortunately he wasn't that lucky as time passed and he just lay there until he gave up and grabbed his phone, scrolling through his timeline and liking all of the selfies that Minhyuk had uploaded again. His best friend was really gorgeous. Both of them were, in their own way.

_ Maybe you can help by being the ugly one. Pretty people always surround themselves with ugly ones to stand out. That way you can also be useful. _

Suddenly the bell rang so loud that he almost fell off the bed. It couldn't be that people kept coming considering they didn't before.

_ Since when are you this popular? _

Hyungwon couldn't help but think about how back in the days people would have ill and genetically different people in zoos for others to look at. Maybe it was a little bit like that, coming to look at him.

He scrambled off the bed and threw his phone on the pillow, quickly changing from his t-shirt to a fresh sweatshirt. He really liked that one, he could have fit inside thrice. 

Once he arrived at the door he opened it a little bit until his eyes fell on Hoseok, bright blonde hair almost shining in the natural light that came in through the window at the staircase.

“H- Hoseok,” he exclaimed and couldn't help but smile a little bit. His moods were a funny thing and right now seeing the other man cheered him up a little, like there was something valuable visiting him.

“Listen, I know you told me Saturday and I'm sorry, I just wanted to bring you the cream. I looked at the date at the pharmacy and you must be out of it all, I was being illegal and prepared it for you.” Hoseok smiled at him brightly and stretched out his hand, holding out a small paper bag.

_ Holy fucking shit. _

Hyungwon wanted to jump like crazy and give the other man a hug but it would have been absolutely embarrassing and a little unlike him.

“Oh- oh my god- I kinda lost the previous one and- thank you so much, Hoseok. Do you want to come in?” Hyungwon stepped to the side and tried to get his stuttering under control again, a little happy that the other man would go through so much trouble to give him the cream. 

_ Maybe he thinks you are a charity case. _

He could feel how his face fell at the thought and he swallowed to keep his composure. Hoseok didn't see it, so it was okay. 

“Are- are you sure you want me to? I have the feeling I'm making you uncomfortable again,” the blonde man replied and bit down on his curved bottom lip. It was beautiful.

“Ehm- yeah, just- why did you bring it? What made you decide to do that?” Hyungwon asked and hoped the other would prove his thoughts wrong. 

_ The doc said to question your own thoughts, so fucking do it. _

“Why? I was kind of waiting for you to come to get the new one, but you didn't, so I thought I'd just do it myself. I can also go away, just tell me.” Hoseok looked confused somehow, although the other man had always shown an admirable amount of confidence.

_ It's a little cute, isn't it? You must be the weird one again.  _

“No- please come in. Just- I really don't have anything to offer this time, not even coffee.” Hyungwon chewed on his cheek, aware that he basically wasted the last two days in limbo and neither ate nor left the house.

_ You probably look horrible. _

“Why would you need to offer me anything? I don't expect anything. Or should I?” The other man tilted his head to the left and looked at him in question.

“I-I don't know. Don't people usually offer things when they have visitors? Like- like cookies and coffee, coke, I don't know.” Hyungwon really didn't know whether he was supposed to offer anything. Even if not, he had absolutely nothing at home except for himself and that wasn't anything particularly useful.   
  
“Why are you like this? I just wanted to see you, that’s it,” the other man answered pursing his lips. “I have coke at home. Although, uh, actually I don’t, I don’t have anything at home because I work all the time and Kihyun is a lazy bitch who doesn’t do anything.”

Hyungwon laughed at that, suddenly bonding with whoever Kihyun was. He was also a lazy bitch and never did anything useful.

“He's like me then,” he commented and sighed. “You really work a lot, that's admirable.”   
  
“I have to, nothing admirable about that. So, are you going to offer yourself or should I go home?” Hoseok stepped closer and smiled at him, beautiful straight teeth showing.

Hyungwon kinda wanted to open the blonde’s mouth properly and look inside but that was a whole new level of weird. His teeth were simply perfect, like sculptured.

_ Like his body and pale skin. He's perfect. Why does he bother with you? _

“Ehm, sure you can have me, but I'm not really all that much either.” He stepped to the side and chewed on his cheek, sucking at the slick skin. “Come in.”   
  
Hoseok walked past him and pinched his cheek for no fucking reason, laughing in his face before the muscular man crouched down to open his shoelaces, presenting Hyungwon the glory of his god-like back and peach-shaped butt.

_ Oh god. _

Hyungwon swallowed and occupied his hands by playing with the seam of his sweatshirt, not sure how to act now that he had the man he was crushing on in his apartment again. He couldn't just do what he always did, which was scroll through his Twitter and like random thigh and abs pics. That's just not what people did together. Lying in bed and taking apart all the conversations they had and all the things he said wrong was also not something they could have done together.

“W- what do you like doing, Hoseok?” Hyungwon asked eventually and tried to ignore the itch along his right thigh. He kinda wanted that cream suddenly.   
  
“Why are you so funny though? Do you think there are rules for what people do together?” After taking off his shoes, Hoseok walked into his bedroom and sat down on the edge of his bed. Spread legged.

_ God, why? _

Hyungwon followed and tried not to stare too much. The other man's thighs were… well, Minhyuk would have called them ‘juicy’. Squishy somehow and one could grab them with one’s hands and watch how the fingers dug into the skin a little bit. 

“I don't, I just never do anything exciting. Do you always just chill down on other people's beds and sp- sit there?” He wanted to facepalm but that would have made it more embarrassing so he bit down on his lip and got a little closer, leaning against his desk. He hit the corner of a book but luckily his butt was stronger and the bunch of paper moved.   
  
“And you always run away from me as if I’m a tiger hunting you. Should I sit on the floor? Just tell me where and how you want me.” The beautiful eyes kept staring at him not moving away no matter what he did.

_ And there goes the innuendo.  _

Hyungwon smiled and just gestured at Hoseok to stay in place, pulling his body up on his desk. It wasn't high enough to keep his legs from touching the ground but it was high enough to be comfortable and carry his weight.

“Actually I have no reason to complain. My best friend basically lies on top of me as soon as he comes over,” he replied and glanced at one of his lecture books, still unopened despite the exam on Saturday.

_ You're hopeless. _ __  
__  
“How to be your best friend,” Hoseok commented and grinned right after. “When is your exam?”

“Friday,“ Hyungwon replied, sighing at himself and his dumbness. “But I'm a useless piece of shit and know nothing apart from the fact that your teeth are absolutely beautiful and I want to live in your mouth. Actually, scratch that- fuck.”  
  
“Okay, so I just act as if it’s a compliment and not something else I don’t get. I really like your lips.” The other man stood up and walked over, grabbing the book Hyungwon was staring at and opening a random page.

_ He's already way better at this than you are. _

Hyungwon chuckled and hoped that his face didn't betray that he enjoyed the compliment, even if he didn't agree. His lips were a little dry from not drinking and eating for two days. He was really an idiot sometimes.

“You're already one step further than I am.”   
  
“In what?” His guest put the book back and pulled himself on top of his desk, right next to where he was sitting, thighs touching.

_ For fuck’s sake, don't embarrass yourself, Hyungwon. _

“In studying for my exam,” he replied and laughed, amused by how he managed to pull through his studies by studying two days beforehand. Well, one at this point.   
  
“Hm, I guess I’m preventing you from studying, right? I still wanted to bring you the cream though. What do you like doing? Just asking for Saturday.” Hoseok turned his head and stared at him.

Hyungwon fought the blood that rushed to his face but it was futile. His eyes focused on the way their thighs were touching, Hoseok’s broad and warm against his.

“Honestly, I doubt that I would study even if you left. I struggle with procrastination, a lot. But I like- well- lying in bed.” He laughed. “Watching movies, checking Twitter, listening to music, taking walks along the canals if I can get my ass out of the apartment. Stuff like that. You?”   
  
“I struggle with being dumb and unmotivated, but yeah. Let’s lie in bed and watch a movie then. I like different things, it always depends on the person I guess, I like watching movies, I like taking walks, I like drinking coffee next to the canals, if I have money that is, and I really love dancing but I mostly dance alone at home.” Hoseok started laughing. “That sounds really weird, doesn’t it?”

_ Dancing. _

Hyungwon swallowed and felt his body tense at the thought of the only thing he felt at least semi- confident in. He hadn't done it for weeks.

_ Maybe that's why you were feeling down again. _

Licking over his lips briefly he lifted up his gaze and looked at Hoseok’s pretty face, smiling at the various things the other man enjoyed doing.

“I think it sounds nice. Don't you also like to party?” Looking at the other man made Hyungwon want to take his wallet and buy coffee for Hoseok at the canals and make him happy.   
  
“Party? Well I do go to parties because- well, you can meet people there and-.” The other man licked over his lips and removed his gaze for a couple of seconds before it returned full force. “Do you also like to dance?”

_ He can meet people there and fuck them.  _

“W-what makes you think that I like to dance?” Hyungwon stuttered and already started hating himself for basically showing everything that made him uncomfortable in the first few seconds. He didn't mind Hoseok knowing that he danced, but it pressured him when people wanted to see, he preferred to be on his own. The only time he actually liked his body was when he danced, unfortunately one needed food for dancing though.

_You should eat._   
  
“Because your eyes lit up when I told you that I dance. I’ll show you if you want me to, actually I wanted to do it more professionally but, money and- well.” Hoseok smiled, but it looked a little sad.

Hyungwon smiled back, hoping that it would cheer Hoseok up although he probably looked like a fucking toad.

“I'd love to see you dance. I would have done it professionally but I'm not good enough for that.” He sucked his lower lip into his mouth and thought about how different their reasons were. Money had never really been an issue, but well-raised men were not supposed to earn money with their bodies or whatever it was that his mom said back then. It hadn't really made sense but Hyungwon wasn't good enough anyway.   
  
Suddenly Hoseok reached for his thigh and squeezed it, looking at him all excited. Hyungwon almost choked at the sudden body contact but kept himself from reacting more than through the automatic adjustment of his eyes. He probably looked like a Cyclops with two eyes.    
  
“Actually it was the main reason back then, I mean my parents think that I’m not doing anything right anyway, so I didn’t really mind, but I’m just so unmotivated, so I didn’t apply to the school and enrolled in Biomedical sciences instead.” The other man probably didn’t realize that he was still touching Hyungwon’s thigh.

“My parents don't really care what I do, but mom kinda thought dancing means you're a stripper so she seemed a little disgusted. You do a lot of things right. I think, your mom is wrong. From what you told me you always do so much. I wish I could be at least half as useful.” He chuckled briefly and thought of how he spends most of his day in bed on Twitter, hating himself.   
  
“Ah, I don’t know whether you know me well enough to say that, Hyungwon. I also don’t think that you’re useless. If you feel like it you can show me how you dance, someday.” A beautiful smile accompanied the words while Hoseok squeezed his thigh once again.

_ Maybe. Someday. _

The itch in his thigh returned and Hyungwon swallowed uncomfortably.

“Thank you for coming, Hoseok. Really,” he whispered and couldn't help but wish for the other man to hug him again so that he could curl up and just breathe calmly for a while, enjoy the warmth. He still remembered how the curved lips felt against his, pleasant and so different from what he had always expected.   
  
“Ah, you’re making me feel all kinds of things at once.” The other man jumped down from his desk and curled his strong, muscular arms around his waist, pulling him flush against Hoseok’s broad chest.

_ It's like he's reading your thoughts all the time. _

Hyungwon smiled and buried his face in the blonde’s shoulder, inhaling the scent of freshly washed clothing and something that resembled the scent of nose spray.

_ He probably came from work. He made you the cream after all. _

“I could say the same about you,” he whispered and hoped that Hoseok’s opinion on liking thin people didn't have a limit, like actual sticks, because Hyungwon sure as fuck was one.   
  
He felt how Hoseok’s warm lips placed kisses along his neck in response, soft exhales hitting his skin right next to where the other man had kissed him.

His body tensed at the sensation. He worried about his sweatshirt moving and showing a bit of the ugly scars on his shoulders, drowning his head with negative consequences. It felt nice but he was so scared that Hoseok would be disgusted by the marks. His visitor didn’t seem to care at all, kissing up his neck and sucking on a spot behind his ear softly.

Hyungwon reached for the other man's shirt, curling his hands into the fabric and trying to move as little as possible. The touches left a warm sensation behind, making him a little dizzy.

_ Maybe he won't see? _

_ Bullshit. _

“Please stop,” he whispered, knowing that there was no way that he could push Hoseok away. He was simply too weak for that.   
  
The beautiful, but rather confused looking face materialized in his vision, mouth red and slightly open.   
  
“Is something wrong? Did I do something? I’m sorry- I-” Hoseok mumbled, obviously not knowing what to say.

“No- it's just-" Hyungwon didn't know how to explain it. It wasn't like Hoseok did anything he didn't like, it was him and his own issues. “I- don't want you to get weirded out by my body, it's- yeah. I don't like to touch all that much.”   
  
“You- I think you don’t understand. I am not weirded out at all, it must be something you think, but I- I really like you, I’m sorry, I don’t really have experience apart from people jumping me immediately so I struggle a bit with appropriate actions. I really don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.” He felt how Hoseok’s fingers tightened in his sweatshirt, making it less oversized. The other man closed his eyes and sucked in a long breath.

Hyungwon sucked in a deep breath, looking down at himself and at how ridiculously small he looked compared to the muscular man in front of him. His waist was basically non-existent and the way the shirt showed his slim frame made him uncomfortable.

_ You're like a broken chopstick in comparison.  _

“I know- I'm sorry. It's just- my head I guess.” Hyungwon exhaled and saw how his breath let a few blonde strands raise up, uncovering Hoseok’s forehead. “Maybe we should just meet under different circumstances once, so I can- can get used to the thought that you enjoy being close to me.”

_ Your doc said it would happen eventually but you didn't believe her. Let's see who was right in the end. _ __  
__  
“Where? Where do you want to meet? Do you want to come to my place? I’ll give you instant coffee,” Hoseok answered and chuckled, before he leaned in and pressed their lips together. “Sorry, I couldn’t resist, your lips are just- fuck.”

_ Like his thighs. _

Hyungwon laughed briefly and smiled at the other man, brushing through the blonde strands and enjoying the way they felt between his bony fingers.

“We'll see- I'm not sure I can plan like that. Maybe-" He paused before he realized something absolutely hilarious.

“How about we exchange phone numbers?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 5th of August at 2 AM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

Hoseok dried himself with a big, fluffy towel and put it back on the hook in the bathroom, walking naked towards his room.   
  
“Wear something, I hate being self conscious, it doesn’t fit with my character,” Kihyun screamed from his room, probably after seeing him walk past it in his birthday suit.   
  
Hoseok didn’t say anything to that, his body was really nice, he worked hard for it to stay this way.   
  
_ Too bad that Hyungwon doesn’t really care. _ __  
__  
He entered his room and let himself fall on the freshly changed sheets. It felt really nice against his naked skin. It kind of reminded him of how hands could feel against it, touching him.   
  
_ You haven’t had sex for two weeks, Hoseok, aren’t you being ridiculous? _ __  
__  
He was, he wasn’t some kind of an animal, but he did have needs, which were best satisfied with a nice male body, preferably thin and long. It wasn’t an addiction, but he felt somehow unbalanced. All of his responsibilities and duties, his work and his studies were more bearable if he was able to have sex at least a couple of times a week.   
  
_ Now you don’t even know whether you can? What are you two? Are you the strange pharmacy dude who randomly comes to his house? It does seems like it, doesn’t it? _ __  
__  
Hoseok had no idea, but he also needed to get off.   
  
_ It’s not as if your hands fell off or something, you just didn’t need to use them. _ __  
__  
He closed his eyes and let his right hand travel along the firm muscles of his chest rolling a nipple between his fingers and hissing a little at the sensation. It was kind of weird to touch himself after all the time he had been pleased without doing much, but it had to suffice somehow. Without losing any more time he slid his fingers down over his tensed abs, touch light and pleasant.   
  
_ Just imagine what his long fingers would feel like, he’s so hesitant, it would probably feel similar. _ __  
__  
Hissing at the thought he curled his fingers around his half hard dick, it wasn’t easy to bring himself into the mood, the sensations had to be intensive enough for it to work.   
  
_ Think about his lips, how they would feel around you, so thick, fuck. _ __  
__  
It was pretty effective. Something about the other man was so incredibly attractive to him, he didn’t know what it was, but it had been there from the time he walked into the pharmacy to get the cream.    
  
Moaning softly he moved his hand, burying his head further in the soft pillow, feeling how it gave in under the weight of his head and how his hair spread all over it from the movements. His hand felt nice, but he was absolutely sure that Hyungwon’s would’ve felt better, his fingers were longer and could easily curl around his length, giving just the right amount of pressure, despite him being pretty thick. 

But Hyungwon wasn’t there so he had to take what he had. Namely his own hand picking up pace. He spread his legs more out of reflex, feeling how the coil tightened more and more. He imagined how Hyungwon’s long body would look when he sat on top of him, the slim thighs and his ridiculously thin waist he could feel the last time he hugged the other man. He imagined Hyungwon’s face when he moved his body on top of him, sweat covering the beautiful forehead and a couple of black strands sticking to his temples while the other man’s red, plump lips were swollen and slightly parted. 

Shit, Hyungwon was simply gorgeous and the image had been more than enough to send Hoseok over the edge.   
  
_ You won’t survive this, you need clarity. _ __  
__  
He wiped the result of the session with a couple of wet tissues and threw them into the bin next to his bed. There was nothing inside besides the tissues and it somehow reminded him of the fact that he had been doing something he usually didn’t have to do.   
  
_ Because there are enough other people who would love to do it for you because you can give them pleasure back. _ __  
__  
He really needed clarity, but he also had to get ready for the party him and Kihyun were going to.   
  
_ You need to stop thinking about him all the time and maybe try to reflect on what the fuck you’re doing wrong. _ __  
__  
It was a paradox and he facepalmed, before jumping from the bed and slipping into a pair of black tight underwear, roaming through his wardrobe for an outfit. He decided for a black silk shirt and blue ripped jeans, showing the tattoo on his thigh.   
  
“Are you ready? Stop reading, it won’t help you get laid,” he screamed and brushed his bangs back to how they were supposed to be, covering his forehead and making his eyes look even more intense.   
  
“Don’t tell me you jerked off right now, because I heard you moaning some dude’s name and that seriously doesn’t fit well with this depressing stuff I’m reading right now, what the actual fuck?” His best friend kicked his door open and leaned against the doorframe, all styled as if he intended to get laid.    
  
_ True, it’s his turn. _ __  
__  
“Isn’t it your turn today? Let’s see if you score and I’ll have a calm life for at least a week because you won’t be that demanding ass you are when you don’t get laid.” Hoseok bowed his head down just in time to avoid a book hitting his face and picked it up after it landed on the dark wooden floor.   
  
“Let’s go, bunny, don’t be sad, it’s not my fault that you decided to be all abstinent for the past few weeks,” Kihyun murmured and went towards the hallway, slipping into his chucks and waiting for him to follow.   
  
_ It’s not that you did it because you wanted to. _   
  
_   
  
  
The music was so fucking loud, but he didn’t care. He just downed a double shot of gin and went to the dancefloor, moving his body to the beat. It was nice, a good distraction from the fact that he declined two really handsome looking dudes for no reason whatsoever.   
  
_ It’s okay, just dance, it’s fine. _ __  
__  
The song was nice so he did, closing his eyes sometimes to feel the beat better, to perceive his muscles that performed the movements as if he had never stopped dancing in the first place.   
  
_ It’s because you didn’t, you just do it at home, like a creep. _ __  
__  
He let his movements slow down a little and felt how warm arms curled around his shoulders suddenly, low, familiar voice whispering ‘you promised me something’ into his ear. He turned around quickly and saw him, big brown eyes, beautiful golden skin and plump, red lips, spread in a grin. He wasn’t fast enough as the big hand grabbed him by his neck and pulled him into a deep kiss, tongue immediately sliding into his mouth and playing with his own. This time the other man didn't taste like vodka but rather like something sweet, ice cream maybe or a fruity cocktail.   
  
__ Get a grip, it’s the brother, Hoseok. It’s not him.

_ And he seems sober. _ __  
__  
He curled his fingers around the slim shoulders and pushed the other man away from himself, trying to catch his breath.   
  
“Hi there,” he exhaled sharply and closed his eyes briefly to get a grip of his surroundings. His body wasn’t supposed to betray him like this.

“Cute,” Hyungwon's brother remarked and grabbed a handful of his shirt, staring at him with a smirk. “You said ‘next time’, I'm pretty sure that's now, sweetheart.” The other man had his hair styled up which made him look quite different from the way Hyungwon usually looked, forehead revealed and giving off a more sexual and mature vibe, especially in the loose red silk shirt and tight leather pants. He looked expensive.   
  
_ He’s still not Hyungwon. _ __  
__  
“Yeah, but last time I thought you were someone else. You’re a really handsome asshole, but not quite my style, sorry.” Hoseok grinned and peeled the other man’s long fingers from his shirt.

“Your dick seemed to think differently last time,” the ridiculously attractive man whispered, leaning forward despite the distance that Hoseok tried to establish. “Someone else? And that would be who?”   
  
“Yeah, we do have some disagreements on this, me and my dick, but it’s good that I’m the one who decides. That someone else must be your brother I guess, if you’re not triplets or something, which wouldn’t surprise me at this point.” He leaned back with a nasty grin on his face. He knew people like Hyungwon’s brother, simply because he had been one of those people himself.

It was interesting how the big eyes widened briefly, making the resemblance to Hyungwon perfect before the grin returned and the other man glanced to the side, looking for something but not finding it apparently.

“Hyungwon? Wow, that's new. I'm guessing it's rather one-sided then, just give up.” Licking over his plump lips briefly the other stepped a little closer again. “I don't think he's what you're looking for at this party though, is it?”   
  
“Why? Is he here?” Hoseok turned around and scanned his surroundings, looking into every corner because he was pretty sure that Hyungwon wouldn’t stand in the middle of the crowd on the dancefloor. After a couple of seconds he saw a slim figure on a red couch, legs clad in the exact same leather pants and red silk shirt. It was a little strange to see, especially with how the pants were less tight on the beautiful man's thighs. He must have been slimmer than his brother. His hair was also similarly styled up but he wasn't looking at the dance floor, instead he was staring at his hands that kept playing with the red fabric, pulling at it as if he felt uncomfortable.   
  
_ It’s him. _ __  
__  
“Thanks for the advice.” Hoseok grinned into the tall man’s face and made his way to the red couch, pushing away a couple of drunk people on the way because he kind of didn’t have the resources to care. He sat down right next to Hyungwon, grabbing the other man’s chin and turning his head towards himself.   
  
“You, here?” he asked with a bright smile.

The beautiful brown eyes turned huge, just as he was used to as Hyungwon's lips parted but no sound came out. The pretty man tried to turn to the dance floor but gave up quickly, burying his hands in his leather pants instead.

“W- what? I- I wrote my exam and then- why did you come here instead of- yeah-" Hyungwon seemed so out of it, not managing to formulate a proper sentence.   
  
“Instead of what? Making out with your brother? Is it a kink of yours or? I told you that he isn’t my type.” Hoseok felt a little anger boiling inside his veins. Not that he was some kind of saint or anything, but he had to jerk off and push away a hot identical twin because he really liked Hyungwon while the said Hyungwon was sitting on the couch asking him why he didn't make out with his brother 

_ What the actual fuck? _ _  
_

“Y- yeah, that's what people usually do when they m-meet him. He's gorgeous and I’m-" Hyungwon tried to look away, stumbling over his words and shivering a little, it was clear from the way his hands moved. “I- it's just what always happens. I- it's okay if you like him, I'm used to it. You don't have to p-pity me or anything.”   
  
“Pity? I don’t pity you at all because there’s nothing to pity, sorry. I don’t like him, I like you.” Hoseok leaned in and caught Hyungwon’s plump lips with his teeth before licking into the gorgeous mouth that tasted equally sweet.   
  
_ Did they drink the same cocktail? That’s weird, Hoseok. _

The slim body tensed but didn't move away as Hyungwon's lips parted easily, allowing the kiss and placing one of his hands on top of Hoseok’s thigh without moving it or applying any pressure.

It felt so nice and funnily enough it felt different from the rough, urgent way Hyungwon’s brother had pulled him and basically forced the kiss on him. They were different and Hoseok really liked the person he was kissing right at that instant. He leaned closer, sinking his fingers into the other man’s hair and stroking over the fine hairs on his nape softly.

He felt how Hyungwon pressed down on his thigh, still kissing back but trying to put distance between them, not having enough strength to do so physically.   
  
_ You didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, remember? _ __  
__  
Hoseok immediately stopped, licking over his lips repeatedly to keep the taste for a little longer and stared into Hyungwon’s big eyes.

“I- I don't really like k- kissing in public, people stare and-" The beautiful man didn't finish his sentence and just squeezed his eyes shut for a few seconds, like he tried to blend out his surroundings before he slipped a little closer, thighs touching, and only stared at Hoseok while opening the pretty orbs again. “I'm sorry, I just couldn't believe you would prefer me so I kinda panicked and I'm still not really trusting that you're here with me now and no one put anything into my cocktail to make me hallucinate.”   
  
Hoseok bit down on his lower lip and brushed a black strand behind Hyungwon’s prettily curled ear.   
  
“Okay I’ll tell you two things, one is rather romantic and the other not so much. First, I really missed you and I thought about you a lot, you just keep appearing in my head. Second, I jerked off thinking about you today, sorry.”   
  
_ So much for not making him uncomfortable. _

Hyungwon choked on nothing and coughed loudly before he focused on Hoseok properly and just stared with his eyes opened and lips parted.

“I- I have no idea what to say to that- t- thank you? I'm not really attractive enough but- thank you.” The beautiful man swallowed and Hoseok could see how the familiar blush appeared on the pretty cheeks, colour obvious despite the lack of light in the club.   
  
_ Gorgeous. _   
  
“Oh, you are so incredibly attractive, but you obviously have no idea, which is okay. So you came with him?” Hoseok pointed at some spot in the crowd, not really bothering to search for Hyungwon’s brother.

“You mean me?” an equally low voice asked from the side, sounding a little pissed as the mirror image of Hyungwon but less thin sat down on the couch armrest and placed a hand on Hyungwon's shoulder. “Yeah, he's here with me, but who the fuck are you?”   
  
“Well I guess you didn’t need a name for sharing spit. I’m Hoseok, hi, nice to meet you, Hyungwon’s brother.” Hoseok grinned and stretched out his hand.

The two of them opened their mouths at the same time but Hyungwon gave up instantly, allowing his brother to introduce himself as he turned towards him, genuinely attentive.

“I'm Kyungwon and still rather surprised how the fuck you managed to meet Hyungwon with that fuck boy ass of yours.” Kyungwon rolled his eyes and squeezed Hyungwon's shoulder once.   
  
_ Fuck boy ass? That bitch. _ __  
__  
“You know nothing, John Snow. But nice to meet you, because Hyungwon likes you.” He smiled one of his stunning smiles, the ones where people just jumped him, because it looked so beautiful.   
  
__ Makes up for the fact that you’re nothing special.

It didn't seem to work on Kyungwon though who just pursed his lips and stroked over Hyungwon's head, it was a little strange to see because they basically looked the same, especially dressed in the same attire.

“I- I'm sorry to interrupt this, but I'm feeling a little strange amidst all of this,” Hyungwon whispered, barely audible over the music and burying his fingers in Hoseok’s thigh, probably subconsciously.

“It's okay, I'll leave you to it, Hyungwon, just be ready in about two to three hours and then I'll drive you home, alright?” A smile passed the plump lips that Hoseok had no interest in as the other man talked to Hyungwon, still stroking over his hair before slowly standing up from the couch, motions smooth and elegant. Then big eyes suddenly focused on Hoseok’s, gaze intense. “And you better behave.”   
  
Hoseok mouthed a silent ‘fuck you’ and turned to Hyungwon, smiling.   
  
“I wanted to ask you something. Do you have any plans later after the party? I know that sounds weird after I told you about me jerking off and everything, but would you mind me staying at your place for an hour? I saw Kihyun making out and I think he might bring some girl home and I really hate those high pitched screams. I swear I’ll behave.” He licked his lips once and brushed another loose strand behind Hyungwon’s ear.   


The thin man seemed to be caught off guard, blushing more before a sudden and rather unexpected, small smile appeared on his lips.

“I also hate high pitched screams,” he murmured and looked away, probably to hide his blush while the long fingers stayed on Hoseok’s thigh, warm through the fabric of his jeans. “I- it's okay, I believe you. It's just that Won purposefully didn't drink to bring me home.”   
  
“But maybe ‘Won’ would be super happy to drink and get laid, that was at least my impression.” Hoseok rolled his eyes a little and grinned. “But it’s of course your choice, I can also-” He thought for a couple of seconds but the normal course of action wasn’t really an option. “I normally just- sleep somewhere else.”

“With someone else I assume,” Hyungwon murmured and glanced away again, like he tried to avoid Hoseok’s eyes. There was a smile on his face but it was difficult to tell whether the thin and unusually dressed man really meant it. “But it's okay- I'll write to him and you can come with me. To be honest I- I kinda h-hate it here.”

“I kinda want to be somewhere with you and without all the people.” Hoseok sighed and stared at Hyungwon's thick lips that were slightly parted. The other man was really beautiful.

“That sounds kind of amazing,” the handsome man murmured and turned back towards him, pretty smile spreading his cheeks wide until he suddenly stopped and grabbed his face with both palms. “Fuck my life.”

“No, fuck my life, how are you so fucking gorgeous, and your smile, mom,” Hoseok whispered and leaned forward to kiss the pouty lips once before he leaned back. It had been absolutely impossible to resist, especially with two gin shots.

Hyungwon merely blushed some more and clumsily fumbled in the pockets of his tight leather pants. It was clear that it wouldn't have been his attire of choice. Once he managed to get his phone out he began typing away, long fingers moving quickly. As soon as he finished he looked up and smiled briefly, trying to stuff the phone back into the pocket. 

“W-we can go if you like. I told him and he's fine with it.”

“The best, let's go.” Hoseok stood up and pulled Hyungwon up by grabbing his wrist. The slim man almost flew against his chest again, but Hoseok managed to catch him on time. He took Hyungwon's big hand in his and intertwined their fingers, pulling the handsome figure along as he made his way towards the exit where he also spotted Kihyun.

“Write me when you're done,” he shouted at his best friend, earning a middle finger and walked out into the cool night air while still holding Hyungwon's hand.

There was something cute about the tall man who visibly tried to stay as still as possible and chewed on his lower lip, a little nervous. The long fingers began to hold onto his hand in return, but only slowly, starting with the little finger until finally the thumb held onto his palm tightly.

“H- how will we get there? Should I just call a taxi?”

“It's about half an hour to walk, are you tired? I'll carry you.” He chuckled and turned towards Hyungwon, examining his face for signs that the other might have been uncomfortable with something.

“W- what, no, oh my god that would be like in those really bad gay romance movies that my best friend likes to watch. Hell no,” the black-haired man muttered quickly and shook his head. “We can take a taxi, it's fine. Usually a walk would also be okay, but...I kinda didn't take care of myself the last couple of days and- I don't want to faint or anything equally embarrassing.”

“I really liked carrying you though,” Hoseok replied and felt how Hyungwon's hand started to feel cool inside his own.

“Holy fuck, are you not feeling well? Your hand is cold too.” He pulled Hyungwon flush against his chest and curled his arms around the other man's thin body, feeling the sharp bones against his muscles.

“What? No- I'm fine. My hands and feet get cold really fast, it doesn't have to mean anything. That's just what comes with looking like me I guess,” the black-haired man said and exhaled against his shoulder. “Sometimes I can't tell whether you do things because you really think that way or to get close. And if it is to get closer I really struggle to see why me. I'm so sorry for being such a thought mess.”

_ He thinks you're acting to get closer? _

Hoseok loosened his grip and put distance between their bodies. Focusing his gaze on the other man's big brown eyes he couldn't help but feel a little hurt at the comment.

“You think I just want to sleep with you? Is that it?” he asked, sincerely hoping that it hadn't been the case.

The beautiful man shook his head slowly while nibbling on his bottom lip. 

“No, because I'm disgusting.” A sigh left the plump mouth and Hyungwon stared at the ground. “I'm sorry- my brain just produces thoughts and they don't have to really mean anything. You're way too nice to me and I know that you don't only want to sleep with me- fuck. I'm sorry- it just- my brain doesn't want to comprehend that you are willing to deal with me.” The change was sudden as Hyungwon's shoulders shook and it seemed like the other was about to cry, just like that.

_ He really doesn't like himself, does he? _

_ But you do. _

He took the round chin with his thumb and index finger and forced the other man to look him in the eyes.

“Hyungwon, I think I really like you. I really like the way you act and I'm happy when you tell me things about yourself and I- I also find you ridiculously hot for that matter, but that's another story,” he murmured, preventing himself from further elaboration on how hot he considered Hyungwon to be.

“I like you too,” Hyungwon replied, voice strained and eyes seeming a little wet although the words had nothing sad to them. His slim fingers curled into the fabric at Hoseok’s sides and straight teeth bit into the beautifully red bottom lip.

“That's good. It's something I can work with.” Hoseok smiled and lifted one hand, stroking over Hyungwon's styled hair. “Let's go to your place so you can wear a giant shirt and sweatpants.”

An almost silent sob left Hyungwon's lips as he nodded and grabbed Hoseok’s hand with more vigour, carefully placing one foot in front of the next.

“Just don't let me fuck this up please, I'm so fucking scared,” the black-haired man whispered while keeping his eyes on the ground and their fingers intertwined.

“I'm sorry but I don't think you'll get rid of me at this point,” he replied and pulled out his phone to call a taxi.

The car arrived after a couple of minutes that they had spent standing next to each other and talking about coffee. It had been a safe topic, nothing that made Hyungwon uncomfortable or sad. The trip was also pretty chill, they sat next to each other and held hands, it was easy like that, Hoseok didn't have the feeling that it was necessary to say anything, he simply stared at the other man's mesmerizing face.

He would've ran up the stairs, but Hyungwon was pretty slow. The handsome man must've been serious about not taking care of himself, the action seemed to be accompanied by a lot of strain. Hoseok had to hold back to not lift the other up and carry him the rest of the way.

_ He needs to eat something. _

“Did you eat anything?” Hoseok asked after Hyungwon opened the door after the third try, obviously struggling with inserting the key into the keyhole. “If you didn't, you definitely should, your body is important, it keeps you alive.”

“I- I kinda forgot, but I will.” Hyungwon was still holding onto his hand, closing the apartment door behind them and breathing relatively quickly. “It- It happens sometimes, when I... space out too much but now I'm okay and I'll take care of myself.”

“I need you, so please do,” Hoseok whispered and pulled the slim man into his embrace, curling both arms tightly around Hyungwon's waist and burying his head in the crook of the other man's neck.

Hyungwon appeared so much more comfortable in his own four walls, not standing as if paralyzed but returning the embrace instead. The tall man relaxed a little, letting Hoseok carry a big portion of his weight which wasn't much in the first place. He did seem rather exhausted.

“I t-think I need you too,” he murmured and closed his arms around Hoseok’s neck, slowly, like he wasn't quite sure whether it was okay to do that. 

He was so thin.

Hoseok stroked over his black, styled hair, playing with the strands and letting them slip through his fingers, lips attaching themselves to his slightly cool skin, kissing along his neck.

Some of the calm disappeared as Hyungwon tensed again, keeping absolutely still but his slim arms remaining around Hoseok’s neck.

“It's so late already,” the low voice commented. “It's strange to not be alone… but I think I like it.”

“It is, I missed you,” Hoseok whispered against the other man's neck before looking up. Hyungwon chuckled lowly in reply.

“But didn't you see me only yesterday? I'm not even doing anything particularly exciting.”

“I know right? Why am I like this?” Closing his eyes for a couple of seconds he tried to think of the last time he had felt something similar but it must've been ages ago because there was no memory. No pleasant one.

_ Don't think about it. _

“I'm-" A smile passed over Hyungwon's plump lips, previous sadness like it had never been there in the first place. “I'm happy somehow that you feel this way.”   


_ Yes, just that he gets scared or uncomfortable as soon as you come closer. _

“Do you think that I'm weird? Or is there anything about my body you don't like? Because you always tense so much when I get closer. Must be something you don't like.” He bit down on his lip hoping that his honesty hadn't scared Hyungwon off.

“W-what? No!” Hyungwon's eyes widened and he shook his head vigorously. “I a- adore your body! It's absolutely gorgeous and you have those thighs they drool over on Twitter and your face is like that of an angel and I want to touch your chest. It's just-" Something switched in the pretty eyes as Hyungwon looked down, as if at himself. “I just don't like my body.”

_ What? But he's gorgeous though. _

“You want to touch my chest?” Hoseok grabbed one of Hyungwon's big hands and slid it under his loose silk shirt, pressing it against his naked chest. “Feel free.”

“Oh my god.” The shy man's eyes turned into saucepans and he was absolutely adorable, biting down on his lips and staring at the spot on Hoseok’s chest where his hand was located. “Holy fuck.” Blush spread along Hyungwon's thin neck, turning the tips of his curled ears a little red.

“You're beautiful,” Hoseok murmured, a little overwhelmed at Hyungwon's reaction and moved the other man's hand over his pecs, flexing a little.

The other gasped, glancing up at his face briefly before returning the big eyes to his chest and curling his long fingers a little.

“I- it's really nice,” Hyungwon murmured, but visibly avoided looking at him. “Your body is like it was sculpted. It's perfect.”

“You like it? Touch it then.” He leaned in and caught Hyungwon's thick lips with his own, sucking the bottom one into his mouth.

Another gasp was caught by his curved lips as the tall man returned the kiss and let his eyes flutter shut. His long fingers moved very gradually, hesitantly just as Hoseok had previously thought, sliding along his pecs and over the solar plexus to his abs, fingertips moving with each little dent. It felt even better than he had imagined, perceptions resulting in a hiss. His muscles tensed under the tender touches of Hyungwon's fingertips, his body obviously wanted more.

The beautiful man in his arms sucked in a deep breath before licking inside his mouth and curling his arm further around Hoseok’s neck. His right hand was still exploring, caressing Hoseok’s abdomen before it grazed his waistband and slid back upwards, brushing over a nipple.

“Fuck. It feels so nice,” Hoseok whispered between the kisses and curled an arm around Hyungwon's waist, pressing him closer to his body.

“I- I like it too, but is it really okay to touch you even if you don't touch me?” the other asked hesitantly, applying a little more pressure to his touches but they still resembled the caresses of a feather.

“You don't even know how much I want to feel you right now, but it's okay if you don't want me to touch you, I respect that. I just- shit it feels so good, your hands on my skin.” It cost a lot of effort to not slip his hands under the loose red shirt Hyungwon was wearing. He needed composure, something that has never been his strong point. At all.

“You really like it?” Hyungwon asked, surprise audible from his voice as he sucked his lips into his mouth, changing his face almost completely. “I- I'll touch you more if you like but I feel really uncomfortable in these clothes- I- I would like to change, is that okay or is it too ugly?”

“There's nothing ugly about you, you dummy,” Hoseok hissed at him and pressed a rough kiss against Hyungwon's thick lips. “Sure, feel free.”

The beautiful man removed his hand from under Hoseok’s shirt carefully and put some distance between them.

“Please wait here,” he murmured and disappeared in the direction of his bedroom.

Hoseok didn't really get what this whole ‘I'm ugly’ thing was about, it didn't make sense but it must've been so bad that Hyungwon didn't want to be touched. He wanted to jump around and scream in frustration, unfortunately the other man didn't really give many fucks about his opinion on this and simply did whatever, telling him about being ugly and not letting Hoseok touch him.

_ You suck at the marshmallow test, Hoseok.  _

He wanted the marshmallow now.

 

***

 

Seeing Kyungwon walk towards Hoseok and press their lips together hadn't been as hurtful as he had expected. Sure, there had been burning in his chest and he wanted to die, but it hadn't been more intense than it usually was. What really caused the tears to almost spill from his eyes was the fact that the beautiful blonde man preferred him over his brother, for no reason whatsoever and even continuously spent time in his company, wishing to leave together.

_ He likes you. _

Hyungwon was pulling the red silk shirt off his body, disliking the way the fabric felt strange against his skin, too soft and not loose enough. It made him feel even more self-conscious than he already was.

_ But you also look uglier without it. _

Kyungwon had put a lot of effort into making him look decent, adjusting his clothes and his hair and even make-up, making then even more similar than they already were. It had cheered Hyungwon up a little, feeling prettier than he was, just that it wasn't really him.

_ When you're pretty you feel uncomfortable and when you're not you just want to die. Amazing. _

Hyungwon groaned and pulled the tight leather pants off, struggling a little with how they attempted to hug his bruised calves. It wasn't even about the looks alone. If he had been at least ugly and useful there wouldn't have been that much of a problem, but he couldn't do even one single thing right. Not his studies, not his life and not even his own health.

_ Calm down and change. Look at a post-it. _

Staring at his bruised legs instead of a post-it he tried not to cry and quickly grabbed his sweatshirt, pulling it over his head and covering at least most of the ugliness.

Once the loose black sweatpants were at least partially tight around his hips Hyungwon took another deep breath to get rid of the negative thoughts that undressing evoked in him.

_ He's so gorgeous and look at yourself.  _

He swallowed down the feeling of dread in his chest as much as he could and hoped for the pleasant sensation of happiness that he enjoyed in Hoseok’s arms to return. It didn't erase his thoughts but they just seemed a tiny bit more bearable around the blonde man.

His bony hands curled around the handle of his bedroom door and pressed it down, walking back out of his tiny safe haven that wasn't as safe as it pretended to be.

_ Does he really enjoy the way your hands feel? _

He returned to the hallway and stopped right in front of the beautiful blonde man, still as mesmerizing as several minutes ago. Hyungwon felt better without the tight clothes but he also felt uglier.

“I'm done,” he murmured and hesitated to reach out, hand lifting but not touching yet.

He didn't need to do anything as Hoseok simply went for his lips immediately, curling his strong, muscular arms around his stick-like frame.

“Better?” he asked after nibbling on his bottom lip and letting go for a couple of seconds. It felt nice, it really did.

“Y-yeah, I feel more like myself I guess.”

_ Ugly and insignificant.  _

Hyungwon circled his arms around Hoseok’s neck but tried to keep a little bit of distance to not let the other man feel too much of his bony frame.

He wanted to touch Hoseok like before but it seemed so strange to just put his fingers under the other man's shirt. Maybe he didn't want it anymore and Hyungwon was fucking terrified of disgusting him.

“You feel like yourself so you don't want to touch me anymore? I kinda looked forward to that,” Hoseok's low voice vibrated against his lips as the other man didn't intend on keeping the distance.

“No! I do, a lot. It just seemed weird to just- put my hand under your shirt,” Hyungwon replied quickly, embarrassed that Hoseok would have expected him to act immediately. He removed one hand from around Hoseok’s neck and placed his palm flat against the other man's chest. It was so firm and warm, so much unlike his own. 

“Why is it weird? Do you think it's weird to touch me? You're making me confused, it seems that you like it but in the next moment I have the feeling that you don't want this, what is it?” The blonde, ridiculously attractive man focused his gaze on his face, staring at him intently. 

_ Why can't you express yourself like everyone else? What the fuck is wrong with you, Hyungwon? _

“N-no, I love touching you. I just don't want you to suddenly feel uncomfortable,” he whispered in reply and sucked in a deep breath, fingertips applying a little more pressure as they slid over the clothed chest.

“Hmm, is it the shirt?” Hoseok stepped back a little and pulled the black silk fabric over his head, closing the distance once again and remaining in ripped jeans, one of the holes showing a tattoo far up his right thigh.

_ He is absolutely gorgeous. _

Hyungwon swallowed and hoped that whatever made Hoseok act so nonchalant and affectionate with him wouldn't disappear suddenly. There was only his loose shirt separating them and already that was enough to realize how amazing and warm it felt. It also wasn't quite how he had imagined it, but better, more warm.

“You're so beautiful, Hoseok- I-" His throat closed up so he gave up talking. The blonde man's skin was absolutely unblemished and pale, like silk that covered his body. Hyungwon really wanted to touch it. Swallowing again he reached for the sculpted chest, fingers touching it tentatively and basking in how smooth it was. It was absolutely mesmerizing to touch another person like that, a person he had feelings for and wished to be close to.

“I imagined what it would be like to have your hands on my body, but the real thing feels so much better,” Hoseok hissed and closed his eyes for a couple of seconds.

_ He likes it.  _

It felt surreal to see the gorgeous man react like that to the feeling of Hyungwon's hands on his skin only. It gave him a little bit of confidence and he let his fingertips move along the pecs and downwards, applying pressure and enjoying every little dip he could identify. Hoseok was so defined, so different from his scrawny bony self.

_ Even if you could eat without a break you would never look like that. _

People like Hoseok were gorgeous and gained attention. Hyungwon didn't want attention.

_ Apart from his. _

It seemed as if the other man was struggling with something, both hands were curled into fists at his sides, and his muscles flexed against Hyungwon's fingertips.

“Are you okay?” Hyungwon asked carefully, brushing over a nipple and hissing at the fact that he was so damn close. Shit. He wanted to kiss the pale skin, give it the attention it deserved and preferably melt into it and become a part of it instead of his pathetic self.

“I'm not okay because you're so gorgeous and I'm greedy,” Hoseok murmured and Hyungwon could see how his curved mouth parted as he brushed over the other man's nipple once again.

_ He likes that too. _

Hyungwon repeated the motion, chewing on his cheek and thinking about what exactly Hoseok might have considered gorgeous about him. Kyungwon had done his make-up and styled his hair, so maybe it still looked nice?

“D- do you want me to touch you more?” he asked and removed his second hand from Hoseok’s neck, using it to stroke along the other man's sides instead. 

“Please,” the blonde man whispered and stepped a little closer placing both of his hands over Hyungwon's lower back. It was a little overwhelming, like for once he was doing something right although it wasn't much at all. 

He brushed over Hoseok’s shoulders and neck, caressing along his collarbones and over his nipples again, enjoying the way a prominent line showed the separation between his abdominal muscles. It was absolutely beautiful. Looking down Hyungwon saw the clear Vline that began above the blonde man's jeans, stretching along his hip bones. Swallowing again he followed it with his fingertips.

“H-how would you like me to touch you?” he asked eventually and hoped the question wouldn't throw Hoseok off. It still seemed so unfair to be the one who was able to enjoy the beauty of the other man.

_ But it's better to hide yourself, there is nothing to enjoy. _

Something about Hoseok’s breathing pattern changed, the other man's exhales seemed more rough and as if he had kept the air longer than usual in his lungs.

_ He's aroused. Because you were touching him.  _

“I- can't you just do whatever you wish? I mean you must think or want something if you do this, just do it, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I'll be fine with everything.” Hoseok exhaled once again and looked up to the ceiling licking over his beautifully curved lips. There was a little blush spreading over his pale cheeks.

Hyungwon wanted to kiss them. The rosy cheeks and the luscious lips.

_ Maybe you can.  _

He felt the adrenaline spike up in his blood, heart pumping blood through his ears as he leaned down a little and carefully pressed his lips against Hoseok’s. It was fascinating how a simple touch like that could send a spark through his slim body and move along his legs. It was different than before, less… less innocent. 

_ Because you react too. _

Hoseok gasped and tightened his hands around his lower back, pressing his lower body against himself while licking into his mouth. Hyungwon tensed for a short moment, feeling the other man's erection against his thigh.

_ You're touching him, of course he reacts. _

He exhaled slowly, seeing how a few blond strands flew up because of his warm breath. He kissed Hoseok again, trying to get used to the proximity and the fact that the other man genuinely felt sexually attracted to him, at least as long as he was dressed.

His fingers travelled downwards again, brushing a hardened nipple and defined abs until they stopped at Hoseok’s waistband, hesitating and feeling unsure whether he was even allowed to do that. Saying that he didn't want to touch the gorgeous man would have been a lie. Hyungwon wasn't dead inside and he felt attracted to Hoseok and the way he looked, it was just hard to act on it, being the way he was.

“Just do it,” Hoseok whispered before sucking his bottom lip into his mouth and nibbling on it. Everything felt so overwhelming, much less simple than their previous kisses did. It was suddenly so much more meaningful and consequential, like every wrong movement could break the moment.

_ It would be typical of you to ruin it. _

Hyungwon bit down on his lower lip, painfully to stay composed as he let his fingers move over Hoseok’s belt and along the zipper. Panic kept rising in his head but he forced it away, closing his eyes and focusing on the sensation at his fingertips.

“Fuck,” he cursed, eyes still closed and mind unpleasantly aware of all the places Hoseok’s hands were able to tell his body form.

“You don't have to, but it feels so fucking good, shit,” the low voice sounded somewhere next to his ear, followed by a rough exhale.

_ But he enjoys it. It's just your head, Hyungwon. It's always your head. _

The words evoked the unfamiliar feeling of something liquid slipping past his stomach to his abdomen, a little bit like tingling. He nodded quickly, continuing his motions and brushing along the outline of Hoseok’s erection. The other man seemed to be pretty endowed, but it fit his build well. Swallowing again Hyungwon stroked back up and down, glancing up quickly to look at Hoseok’s face. He caught the other man moaning silently with his lips parted. There seemed to be more blush on his pale cheeks. The other man's eyes looked different too, the colour, it was almost black.

_ He really likes it, whatever it is that you are doing. _

Hyungwon watched the beautiful face intently as he applied more pressure and stroked along the length, cupping it and rubbing his fingers up and down. He wasn't an expert but friction was always good.

“You're driving me crazy, fuck, don't stop.” Hoseok was breathing heavily and licking his lips over and over again, he must've really enjoyed it. “I imagined how your fingers would feel around me, I just didn't know that it would have such an effect.”

Hyungwon exhaled against the other man's face and continued the movements of his hand. It seemed a little surprising that Hoseok would enjoy his touch so much, especially if he was actually used to much more than that and by people that knew what they were doing. Like Kyungwon.

Sucking his lower lip into his mouth he curled his arm around Hoseok’s waist to keep him close, rubbing over the area where the blue jeans were the thinnest. The blonde was so damn gorgeous and Hyungwon still couldn't believe that he would allow someone like him to touch him.

_ He said he likes you, he probably means it. _

Dread returned a little bit, reminding him of the fact that Hoseok had no idea what he was hiding and probably expected an equally perfect and unblemished body.

_ Maybe he will be fine like this, you don't need to be touched, you’re okay. _

Hyungwon leaned in and closed the distance between their lips, licking into the other man's mouth properly. He tasted a little bit like Gin but it was okay.

_ What if he's drunk and doesn't know what he's doing? _

He stopped his hand and the way his lips moved against the beautiful curved ones.

“D-do you know what you are doing, Hoseok? That you are letting someone like me touch you?” he whispered, absolutely terrified of the answer.

“Whether I know what I'm doing? Yes, very much so. I'm squeezing my resources to hold back from touching you because you're so fucking beautiful, why? Do I look confused?” the other man asked, licking over his red lips and focused his intense gaze on Hyungwon's eyes.

“N-no, you just taste like Gin,” Hyungwon whispered quietly and felt a little awkward with his hand on the other man's clothed erection, he barely realised how his fingers were drawing small circles.

“Sorry, I had a shot two hours ago. You don't like it? Are you disgusted?” the blonde asked pulling him closer and thereby catching his hand between their lower bodies.

Hyungwon gasped at the sudden action, eyes widening and shook his head quickly. There was no way that he could feel disgusted by the other man.

“I don't mind,” he replied and wished for Hoseok to just kiss him again and return him to the pleasant blurriness in his chest and abdomen. “I-I really like touching you.”

“I really like it when you touch me, I'm going nuts but I promised that I'd behave, so I will,” Hoseok whispered against his mouth before licking over it and finally parting his lips.

_ He's suffering just because you don't want him to touch you. _

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and resumed his motions, pulling his hips back to have more space. He didn't know if it was enough for the other man but he was a little too scared to just undress him. His fingers played with the zipper and the fabric of the blue jeans. It felt nice to be kissed while perceiving the way his hand made the blonde man feel through the kiss, lips catching harsh breaths and sudden pants.

“Do- do you want to touch me without the fabric?” Hoseok whispered barely audibly before resuming the kiss as if he had never said anything in the first place. Hyungwon's breaths sped up and his muscles tensed at the words.

_ Are you that obvious? _

Only when the curved mouth was against his did he realize that Hoseok had spoken like him, stuttering a little bit, because of the way Hyungwon's hands felt.

_ He wants you to. _

“Is- is that okay with you, Hoseok?” he asked carefully and closed his index finger and thumb around the button of the blue jeans, shivering a little.

“I really, really want it,” the blonde man replied, licking over his lips repeatedly. “As long as you want it too.”

_ You do.  _

He nodded and bit his lower lip again, nibbling on it a little as he slowly opened the button of Hoseok’s jeans, too embarrassed to look the other man in the eyes. The zipper was next, he pulled it down with a quiet hiss until only Hoseok’s underwear kept Hyungwon from touching him. His fingers rubbed over the soft texture and he exhaled sharply, not really believing that Hoseok really let him be this close.

“You're gorgeous,” he murmured, still fascinated by the pale skin, almost milky. His own was dirty sand in comparison. Shivering a little he placed his fingers on top of the waistband of Hoseok’s briefs and caressed along the little bit of exposed skin, following the other man's happy trail. There wasn't much hair at all.

Hoseok was staring at him from under his blonde bangs, naked chest rising and falling repeatedly while his strong hands were still resting on his own slim hips.

“You are,” Hoseok hissed in reply.

_ No, you're not. _

Hyungwon just smiled in reply, trying to overplay the fact that he knew absolutely nothing and felt absolutely terrified to be responsible for making another person feel good. The fact that he preferred men and was one himself was the only thing that gave him a little bit of confidence.

“P-please tell me if I fuck up,” he murmured and carefully slipped his long fingers into Hoseok’s waistband, feeling how fucking warm the other man's skin was until he finally touched the silky texture of his erection, curling around it as carefully as possible. A harsh breath left his lungs at the action, one he hadn't been aware of holding.

“Oh god,” Hoseok moaned and he felt how the other man's length twitched in his hold.

_ Holy fuck. _

Hyungwon didn't say anything and merely focused on moving his hand appropriately. He definitely didn't eat enough over the past few days and he was scared of himself passing out halfway through. Chewing on his cheek he started out slow, focusing on the way Hoseok’s erection felt in his hand, thick and warm. He rubbed over the tip with his thumb and stroked the rest of his fingers along the shaft, hoping to evoke another beautiful moan from Hoseok’s lips. The sound alone made his legs shiver.

Hoseok moaned but grabbed his hand suddenly, removing it and staring up at him.

“Don't panic,” the low voice vibrated against his lips before Hoseok simply grabbed him and lifted him up before moving towards his bedroom. 

Lifting him up suddenly was a little counterproductive to his panic so Hyungwon buried his hands in the beautiful pale skin and squeezed his eyes shut, pressing his face into the crook of Hoseok’s neck.

_ Why are you always so fucking embarrassing? You're an adult. _

Hoseok didn't seem to care much about his outburst. Arriving in the familiar room the Hercules-like human sat down on the edge of his bed and kissed the shell of his ear.

“I'll still behave. I just didn't want to stand.”

_ Who the fuck gives handjobs whilst standing, Hyungwon? _

“Mmh,” Hyungwon hummed and didn't really remove his head from Hoseok’s neck, it seemed safer somehow. “I'm sorry, I'm a little hopeless.”

“You're not, you're gorgeous and you make me go absolutely crazy with your lips and your fingers, fuck,” Hoseok murmured and buried his head in the crook of his neck, placing soft kisses against his skin.

Hyungwon gasped at the sensation until he realized he was actually sitting on the other man's lap, prominent erection pressing against his ass. He tried to scramble off but failed, especially with the way Hoseok held onto his waist.

“B-but you are used to so much more usually. And my fingers are bony.”

_ Why are you telling him that? It's just going to make it worse. _

“Well not from you, and you make it so much more special somehow. Your fingers are amazing. Did you like touching me or was it meh?” The other man grinned against his skin and held tighter onto his waist.

“I liked it,” Hyungwon whispered and tried to look away. It was embarrassing somehow, like he was a child that admitted to having done something bad, although it was supposed to be absolutely normal and he seemed to be the only one who was missing out. “A lot.”

_ Maybe glory holes would have really been something for you. _

“I mean you sitting on it is somehow awesome too, but you could also continue if you want to.” The hips under him moved and he could feel what Hoseok was talking about. It was nice somehow despite being unfamiliar. It wouldn't have been the first time that Hyungwon imagined to be close to someone like that, just that it usually ended with a lot of self hatred.

_ But if you touch him it's okay, because he's beautiful. _

“I'd love to,” Hyungwon whispered and shifted a little bit, begging his hands to not give up on him before he could make Hoseok orgasm.

“It's even better with you on my lap like this.” Hoseok's voice sounded even lower than before, manly and somehow very dominant.

Hyungwon barely contained a shiver and imagined Hoseok grabbing his hair for no reason at all. Biting his lip he slid back on the muscular thighs and reached down to free the thick erection from the confining underwear. The angle was a little unnatural for his wrist but he hoped it would still be good. Sucking his lips into his mouth he curled his bony finger around the velvety foreskin and pulled it back, rubbing over the tip and staring at it, absolutely fascinated. 

Hoseok had a beautiful erection, a little bit like in famous porn where they picked out the particularly big and pretty ones. The tip was particularly thick and a little darker with the colour getting lighter along the shaft, almost fitting the milky skin of Hoseok’s thighs. There wasn't much that the blonde couldn't have been confident about, his body was simply perfect.

He glanced up and saw Hoseok's almost black eyes staring at him. The other man's red lips were parted and his chest kept rising and falling quickly. There was something strange about the way Hoseok looked at him, as if the other man really considered him attractive.

_ You're wearing pretty make-up. _

Hyungwon felt embarrassed at just staring at Hoseok’s dick like a weirdo and looked up, meeting the beautiful gaze and smiling a little. It had been fascinating to see how his fingers looked around Hoseok’s erection, so thin that it seemed even thicker than it was. He swallowed and pressed a kiss to the curved mouth quietly to downplay the fact that his heart was almost jumping out of his chest.

He increased the speed of his hand and already hated himself for the barely present burn along his elbow. It was just a matter of time until it would turn into an ache and scream at him to just stop moving already. Abusing his lip and watching the dark eyes he let his hand fly along the length, listening to the way Hoseok’s breaths changed and watching a bit of blush spread over his naked chest.

“Shit,” Hoseok moaned and threw his head back, baring his pale neck and tightened his grip on Hyungwon's waist. “It feels amazing.”

It was easy to tell how the hips below him thrust up a little, meeting the motions of his hand. Hoseok was absolutely mesmerizing when he felt pleasure, like a painting. If there had been a painting of the other man anywhere in the museums of Amsterdam, Hyungwon would have gone everyday to see it, even if he hated to leave the house.

“You look so beautiful like this,” he whispered and pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s neck. The skin was so warm and soft against his lips, like a feather, pleasant and magical somehow. Hyungwon wished he could feel like that too. “I'm so sorry that I'm so weak.”

The pain in his muscles increased and he felt how his hand stuttered a little, but he continued, taking it and closing his eyes for a few seconds to focus on making it feel good. He didn't keep them closed for long, too fascinated by the expression on the blonde’s face. 

The other man returned his gaze and curled his own hand around Hyungwon's, applying more pressure and staring at his eyes while licking over his lips.

“You're absolutely perfect like this,” the other man's incredibly low voice whispered at him. It was a little difficult to believe with the ache in his arm so Hyungwon just smiled again, glancing at the way Hoseok’s hand looked curled around his. It was nice somehow.

“I want you to- finish,” Hyungwon murmured, pussying out to say ‘come’ or ‘orgasm’ although it wasn't all that bad. Sexual encounters were so difficult, little talking and lots of trying to do things right. Hyungwon sucked at doing things right. “W-what can I do?”

“You want me to finish?” Hoseok's lips curled up in a smirk as he started moving Hyungwon's hand with his own. “You can stay on my lap with that delicious body of yours.” Something about the blonde reminded him of a tiger, or some other dangerous animal. Not that Hyungwon felt like prey, he wasn't even meaty or anything.

Licking over his lips he followed the movements of Hoseok’s strong hands and slipped a little forward over the other man's thick thighs, breath catching at how much he actually liked it.

_ This isn't about you, Hyungwon. Get a grip.  _

“I-I like it on your lap,” he whispered and leaned forward, exhaling against the curved mouth while he convinced himself that it was okay to kiss Hoseok, especially after doing it so many times and holding onto his hard dick with his right hand. Hoseok’s muscles were flexing in his arm with each motion, abdomen and chest tensing in regular intervals. It was so damn attractive.

“I'd keep you there forever if I could,” Hoseok murmured before he let out a beautifully low moan, lips parting and air hitting Hyungwon's mouth.

_ You'd stay if you could. _

Using the moment Hyungwon closed the distance and curled his other arm around the broad neck, fingers sinking into blonde strands just like his tongue parted Hoseok’s lips. He tasted less like Gin and more like something unfamiliar, himself probably. Hyungwon liked it.

The movements got quicker, more urgent just like the moans he kept catching with his lips. The sounds seemed to move straight to his groin, just like the kiss sent sparks along his chest downwards. Suddenly Hoseok's whole body tensed under him and he heard his name in one of the beautiful moans that had left Hoseok's mouth as the other man came between their bodies, covering both of their hands.

_ Holy shit. _

His hand felt warm and his heartbeat was drowning him with how loud it was in his ears, drowning every other sound as he was breathing quickly and staring at the blonde man with wide eyes, not sure how to act at this point. There was a little bit of happiness at being able to make Hoseok feel pleasure but at the same time all his worries began crashing in.

_ What now? What if he changes his mind? What if it's too much of a bother and he's just being nice to you until he can be with someone compatible and attractive? _

Hyungwon didn't even know how to stop it, head already hurting from all the thoughts that appeared and fought off the arousal that had spread along his own body at the way Hoseok had reacted.

“Sorry for the mess.” Hoseok chuckled and leaned forward, placing a kiss on his mouth. “Do you happen to have tissues?”

_ He's perfectly relaxed. _

“My whole life is a mess,” Hyungwon replied and moved backwards on top of the muscular thighs, slipping down and looking for the package of tissues that he always had next to his bed in case his nose decided to betray him again. Once he found it he pulled two out while holding the package with his teeth. He had only one clean hand after all. As soon as he managed he covered his dirty hand with a tissue and gave the second one to Hoseok. The scent wasn't much different from his own but he didn't want to visibly smell his hand like a freak. 

_ He probably already thinks that you're fucked in the head. _

Hoseok cleaned his toned stomach in a matter of seconds, jumped up and walked out of the bedroom without a comment.

_ Oh no.  _

Hyungwon froze, staring after the other man before everything suddenly made sense.

_ You knew that he would leave, he was just trying to save you the mental breakdown. _

It was immediate, dread and fear returning just like anger at himself for never doing anything right. His mind jumped to the beginning of the evening, starting out with him saying no to eyeshadow although Kyungwon told him it's better. He should have just said yes, idiot. He kept stuttering when he saw Hoseok, probably keeping the other man from what he had wanted to do just because he saw him.

_ You probably ruined his evening. _

He held onto his hand like a creep, even in the taxi although it was absolutely childish and ridiculous even if he had been afraid to cry.

His eyes burned and he just slipped to the ground, remembering now he was fucking hesitant and changed into ugly clothes just to be ugly. Looking for his blanket and feeling absolutely overwhelmed by the burning in his chest he grabbed the thick fabric and covered his face with it, sitting on the ground and hoping that he'd just forget to breathe for once.

_ You're pathetic, what the fuck did you think? _

He suddenly felt how his body was pulled up as if it weighed nothing and warm, broad arms curled around his body, embrace tight and so incredibly strong.

“Did I do something? Are you okay?” Hoseok's voice was so affectionate for no reason.

Hyungwon bit his lip so hard that he tasted iron, trying to contain a sob as his eyes filled with tears.

“No, I- I thought you left- fuck,” he pressed out of his lungs and couldn't get air, thoughts messing up with the unfitting behaviour of the blonde man returning.   
  
“What? Why would I leave? I’ll only leave if you throw me out, Hyungwon.” The other man chuckled and sat down on the edge of his bed, pulling his body over his lap, just like they have sat before. “Damn, there must be really something about my image.”

_ It's not his image, it's your head. _

“No, it's me- fuck, my brain just goes places and I was told to work on it and contain it but I can't fucking do it- shit. I hate myself,” Hyungwon exclaimed and covered his eyes with the sleeve of his sweatshirt, hiding his face and his tears at the same time. Shit, why was he so pathetic? Everything was supposed to be fine now, Hoseok didn't leave but still he had the aftermath of his adrenaline and fear that stayed in his system, not wanting to leave. “You're wonderful, Hoseok. It's just me- I'm fucked in the head.”   
  
“You’re not, don’t make me angry. You’re absolutely stunning. I can see that you don’t like yourself but I don’t understand the reasoning at all. Don’t cry.” Hoseok leaned forward and peeled his arm away from his eyes, uncovering his face and placing kisses all over it.

_ Why is he like this? _

Hyungwon swallowed and opened his eyes properly, staring at the beautiful man and perfectly aware of how he must have looked at this point.

_ Maybe you should just tell him. _

“Because I'm so worthless that I want to die, Hoseok.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 7th of August at 2 AM CET.  
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> 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
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He couldn’t believe that his escape from Kihyun would turn into the most intensive handjob he ever had.   
  
_ How old are you, twelve? Since when do you get all excited from getting your dick touched? _ __  
__  
He had no idea why he reacted like this, fact was that Hyungwon had made him come with his pretty long fingers while sitting on his thighs. Suddenly the abstinence of previous weeks and his pseudo-suffering seemed worth it. That was until he walked back into the messy room and saw the beautiful man cowering on the floor, hiding his face in a blanket or something.   
  
_ Fuck, what the fuck happened? _ __  
__  
He immediately pulled Hyungwon up, hugging the other man’s thin, bony body and whispering into his ear, hoping that whatever the fuck had happened before wasn’t his fault. It was the same, all over again, there seemed to be something going on with Hyungwon, something he couldn’t grasp or see, it just appeared out of nowhere, without warning and without a proper reason.

_ There's something you can't see. Again. _   
  
Even his genuine opinion didn’t change the fact that Hyungwon was crying for some reason.   
  
_ Why is he like this? _ __  
__  
“Because I'm so worthless that I want to die, Hoseok,” the absolutely gorgeous man in an oversized sweatshirt and sweatpants whispered into his face while tears streamed down the blushed face. 

_ Oh no. _

He himself wasn’t a person who cried a lot, not at all, he couldn’t even remember the last time he had cried, but Hyungwon’s words and the state the other man was in had brought him ridiculously close.   
  
_ But why? Why does he feel like this? _ __  
__  
“I- but why?” was the only thing he could say before he curled his arms further around Hyungwon’s thin waist, pulling him flush against his naked chest, kissing the tears away from his face, as if it would’ve changed anything.

“I don't know.” Hyungwon just sobbed, shoulders shaking and tears running down his cheeks like he needed them out of his system. “I never manage anything. I'm disgusting, can't study and the only thing I do is waste money and precious air that someone else could be breathing.”   
  
_ Shit. _ __  
__  
“You’re not wasting anyone's air, Hyungwon, I also can’t study, so what? You don’t have to be awesome in something to be considered worthy. I really hope you don’t feel like this because I asked you to touch me, oh god.” Hoseok sucked in air, trying to calm himself because the thought had been generally disconcerting.

“No- not at all. I loved touching you, I was just amazed that you would even let me, but I suck at everything I do so I felt so terribly sorry towards you. I'm so fucking sorry that you have to deal with this. I saw you leave the room and my head just went places and now I can't get out of it anymore, fuck- why am I so pathetic? I had therapy for this, I should be getting my shit together.” Hyungwon sounded so frustrated and desperate, sobbing and resting his head on Hoseok’s shoulders, letting tears drop on his collarbones and run down. “You're perfect, you work, you study, you do all those things you're supposed to and I can't even get out of the fucking house to buy food.”   
  
Hoseok almost choked on his own laughter at the mention of him being perfect.   
  
“Listen up, Hyungwon, you seem to be utterly confused, I’m everything but perfect, I suck at everything apart from stuff nobody else likes doing, which I use to compensate for everything else. And I’m good at acting like an asshole. But it’s fine, that’s just how it is, dying or hating myself won’t make it better, so…” He stroked over Hyungwon’s wet cheek and pulled a tissue out of the package Hyungwon had thrown on the bed, removing the tears that rolled down his cheeks and nose. “You can’t go out to buy food? I’ll buy food for you and then I’ll watch you eat like a pig and enjoy it.” He grinned hoping that it cheered the other man up a little.

Hyungwon stared as if the answer threw him off a little, breathing irregularly because of the crying and lifting his shoulders a little bit.

“B-but how the hell does you doing things for me make me a better person? You're a good dancer and you are still studying without being thrown out, you even have a job that gives you your own money and you can make medication like a professional already.” The low voice shook as Hyungwon buried his hands in his own thighs. “I'm at home, hating myself, unable to meet my friends and waiting for my lungs to give out. I only pass my exams because I'm afraid that I'll just fucking kill myself if I drop out of uni. Fuck.”   
  
_ This doesn’t make any sense, Hoseok. Like back then. _ __  
__  
He threw himself back on Hyungwon’s bed and took the slim shoulders along with him, curling his body around the other man’s in a really tight embrace.   
  
“You think you’re not worthy? I think you are, so try to fucking fight me,” Hoseok groaned into the other man’s prettily curved ear and sucked on a spot behind it.

The comment got him a dark laugh, short and bitter.

“I'd probably just break my fucking arm. You're like Hercules,” Hyungwon muttered and buried his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck, wet sensation spreading over his sensitive skin. “Thank you for saying that. I- I get better eventually it's just hard to believe when I feel like this. Everything I usually tell myself sounds like bullshit. Like I'm just lying to myself.”   
  
“Hmm, the stuff you’re telling me also sounds like bullshit. You really make me want to fight you.” Hoseok chuckled and stroked over Hyungwon’s slim back, drawing small circles on his spine.

The other man took a deep breath, like something was keeping him from inhaling properly and curled his slim arms around him, just lying on top of him without saying a word. He seemed to have stopped crying.   
  
“I love being close to you,” Hoseok murmured, not sure what else to say besides the feeling he had from having Hyungwon’s incredibly light body lying on top of himself.

“I feel the same,” the black-haired man replied as his long fingers stroked along his sides. “I'm just scared that you'll realise I'm not worth the effort. I really like you, Hoseok, fuck.”  
  
“The ‘fuck’ is the same for me to be honest, there’s nothing to realise, Hyungwon. I won’t think the same thoughts you think, for that we are too different, which is good, I guess.” He spoke quietly, knowing that the other man was so close and heard every whisper. He sucked in a breath, Hyungwon smelled like some kind of perfume, probably something his crazy brother poured on him, but it was okay, as long as he was close and didn’t tell Hoseok to fuck off.

“I'm glad.” The black-haired head lifted and Hyungwon stared at him, eyes big and a little swollen from all the crying. “How long will you stay?”   
  
“Why? Want to get rid of me?” He grinned and brushed away a strand of hair, hanging onto the other man’s eyes. “I kind of want to stay and make sure you’re not thinking some bullshit thoughts. Especially concerning me, it’s not fair, I really like you.”

“I- I actually just didn't want to be alone. It's rare but I'm kinda scared this time. My thoughts are- I'm not sure you want to know them.” There was something very dark about the way Hyungwon talked, not even the slightest hint of a smile on the pretty face or any other emotion for that matter. He just looked absolutely neutral and like he had cried a lot. “But I'll be stealing your time and forcing you to spend it with me.”   
  
_ You’re not going anywhere, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
“Shut up. I’m staying.” He let Hyungwon roll down to the side and took off his pants and socks as if he was at home and threw a blanket over his body. “Sorry, I have no toothbrush here so I’m going to be super disgusting, I’m afraid you will have to deal with it.”

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and nodded calmly. It was strange.

“Okay. We can look for one tomorrow, I have a few in case I don't get out of the house or some friends come and don't leave.” The slim body pressed itself a little closer to his side, still fully dressed with one cool palm placed on top of his chest. Hyungwon's black hair tickled his neck a little but it was fine. The other had to curl up a little to fit his long legs on the bed, especially with his head on top of Hoseok’s shoulder.   
  
It was really strange, but the way Hyungwon acted made him want to embrace him.   
  
_ You hate cuddling, Hoseok, are you mental? _ __  
__  
He might have lost his shit or something, but it didn’t matter, he turned to the side and pulled Hyungwon into his arms, burying his face in the crook of the other man’s neck. He wanted to ask why the other didn’t take his clothes off, but something deep inside him didn’t consider it a good idea, so he didn’t.

Hyungwon didn't say anything and merely hugged back, big eyes fluttering shut as fast breaths continued to brush his face. Hyungwon didn’t sleep but he felt dead tired.   
  
_ He won’t be able to run away like this. It’s okay. _

He placed a kiss against the other man’s warm skin and closed his eyes, thoughts getting blurry and warmth enveloping him like a warm, cosy blanket.   
  
_   
  
  
It was warm, really warm. Something hard pushed painfully against his shoulder and he attempted to move as sudden pain spread between his legs. That had been enough of a sensation to let him open his eyes and stare at the unfamiliar room.   
  
_ You’re not home. Where the fuck are you? _ __  
__  
He looked down at himself and the person he had curled his arms around. The pretty black hair was sprawled on his chest and the pain suddenly made sense.   
  
_ He kicked you in the dick while sleeping. The best. _ __  
__  
Hyungwon’s bony knee was strategically placed between his naked thighs and he sincerely hoped the other wouldn’t repeat the movement. The other man’s shoulder was pushing into his chest too, but what was life without suffering?   
  
_ He’s most definitely suffering more than you, shut up. _ __  
__  
He thought he’d die while sleeping in someone’s embrace like this, but apparently there was a lot to learn while living. He even dared to say that it felt kind of cosy, apart from the fact that his mouth felt like a bacteria cemetery.    
  
_ Yeah, you’re lying like this next to someone who’ll be a dentist. Ew. You’re ew. _ __  
__  
He took the time to examine Hyungwon’s sleeping face. Brushing a couple of strands from his face, Hoseok looked down. The other man was pouting, it was fucking adorable, he barely held back from kissing him, but managed remembering the pile of disgust that was his mouth.   
  
_ Awesome, but you kinda need to pee. _ __  
__  
He really needed to go and the knee against his balls didn’t make it any better. Pulling the thin arms from his naked stomach, he tried really hard to not wake Hyungwon up, letting the black-haired man slip down his chest naturally. There was absolutely no reaction, not even a change in expression as Hyungwon merely remained exactly the way Hoseok had placed him, sleeves of the sweatshirt riding up a tiny bit. The other man’s arms were really thin and covered in small scars, probably from the skin issue. He stroked over one arm, placed a small kiss on top of it for no fucking reason and crawled down.   
  
After finding the toilet and finishing his business, Hoseok looked up and saw a post-it on the lid. It said ‘You don't have to be perfect.‘.   
  
_ True. _ __  
__  
He didn’t really think much before he looked up, searching for a toothbrush. There was a fucking sea of differently coloured post-its on the mirror, not allowing to see his own reflection. There was everything from ‘Love yourself’ to ‘You’re beautiful’ to ‘Every life is worth living’. It was somehow scary.   
  
_ Because he doesn’t think so? Is that why everything is covered in it? _ __  
__  
He looked through the cupboard finding a new toothbrush behind two abandoned rolls of toilet paper that were stuffed into a small shelf and the almost finished post-it block. He took one and grabbed the small blue pen lying next to it.   
  
_ Why? Are you going to play along? _ __  
__  
He still wrote something and put the note in the middle of the mirror, hoping that it’d just disappear because there was no way to see it among the others, although it was longer.    
  
‘I really like you. Whoever you are.’   
  
It was somehow true, he didn’t really know what kind of person Hyungwon was, he also had no idea what the other man had been through, but there must’ve been a lot considering the outbursts of self-hate and random thoughts and behaviours that didn’t make sense. Hyungwon kept using them to tell Hoseok how useless and unworthy he was. He also told him about therapy and that he didn’t want to fuck this up, there must’ve been a lot behind the shyness and the shivering hands.   
  
__ Are you qualified to be next to someone who thinks and lives his life like that? Not that you are the one who’ll fuck things up because you don’t have any idea how to behave.

_ Wouldn't be the first time. _ __  
__  
It was a little scary and it kept being scary when he got dressed and prepared to leave.   
  
But he couldn’t.   
  
He was scared that Hyungwon would wake up and think that he had left, or that he didn’t want him, or that Hyungwon did something wrong, which he absolutely didn’t, he had to make sure. Looking around he found a book on biochemistry, a basic science in the dentistry degree and started reading through it. It was easy, one of his first exams.   
  
_ Maybe you can help him a bit? It’s nothing for you because you’ve already done it once. _ __  


He heard the front door open, with a key, which was strange considering that Hyungwon hadn't moved from his spot on the bed and didn't make a single noise either. There was a little bit of shuffling, but rather like the person tried to be quiet. 

Sitting in the living room Hoseok could see how Hyungwon's mirror image slowly moved towards the bedroom, opening the door slowly and peeking inside. The hair was only minimally styled up, much unlike before. In addition the other man was wearing ridiculously expensive business attire, a white shirt, a tie and black suit pants, perfectly tailored.   
  
_ Kyungwon. _   
  
He shuffled a little to not scare the shit out of Hyungwon’s brother and waited until the other noticed that there was another person in the apartment.   
  
_ Who the fuck wears a suit on a Saturday? _

The black-haired man turned around quickly and appeared surprised, walking over and leaning against the door frame nonchalantly.

“What are you doing here? Hyungwon is asleep as I'm sure you've realised. Did you stay the night?”   
  
_ Of course he’s asleep after playing the koala game for hours. _ __  
__  
“I’m waiting till he wakes up and yes, I stayed the night. You came to check on him?” Hoseok asked, but without much teasing because it somehow didn’t fit the situation anymore. It was still strange to talk to another person who looked exactly like Hyungwon.

“Yeah, but I don't think you should wait. He moves back and forth between insomnia and being a sloth and I'm pretty sure it's not insomnia right now.” Kyungwon pursed his lips, looking dissatisfied which wasn't like Hyungwon at all and brushed his hair back, ruffling it up a little. “Hoseok, right? Do you want coffee?”   
  
“Mhm. But it’s Saturday and we wanted to meet up anyway so I’m fine waiting.” He smiled and stood up, walking towards the kitchen and getting the last of the instant coffee from the shelf, along with two cups.

“Woah, hold up, darling. Don't drink that,” Kyungwon called out with big arm movements and placed everything back until he opened a drawer at the bottom and took a coffee machine out, along with a small package of coffee beans. “Give me two minutes and this baby is good to go.”

Connecting the machine to the electricity the tall man turned towards him with a grin.

“But how the hell did you meet? I can't help being curious. You're just not- let's say you're not the type of person Hyungwon hangs out with. If he leaves the house that is.”   
  
Hoseok didn’t know whether Hyungwon’s brother was a trustworthy person, it didn’t seem like it. On the other hand the guy came to check on him and Hyungwon really seemed to like his brother.   
  
“I work at the pharmacy, he came to get cream and then eye-drops and then he forgot his wallet, yeah it’s a funny story actually.” Hoseok smiled and leaned against the counter.

The handsome man laughed and brushed his hair back again, pursing his lips as he assembled the rest of the machine and filled in coffee beans.

“That sounds cute and a lot like him. Was he okay? Yesterday I mean.” The question appeared absolutely nonchalant as Kyungwon turned on the machine he had been building up and placed the two prepared cups under it, pressing the button.   
  
“He is cute. He was okay- I guess, but also not, but it’s fine now I think.” Hoseok didn’t really know what to say, he also didn’t know what kind of relationship Hyungwon had with his brother, he didn’t feel competent enough to tell the identically looking man about the things Hyungwon spoke about.

Humming in agreement the black-haired man disappeared in the hallway, returning with a shopping bag, taking out some groceries and placing them into the fridge. It ranged from fruits to frozen food but not even one vegetable.   
  
_ He bought food for him. He needs to eat. _

“Do you like milk in your coffee?” Kyungwon asked as he finished and removed the cups from the machine, already taking a sip from his own, carefully.   
  
“Yeah, I can’t drink hot stuff.” 

“Pussy,” the other man commented with a grin and took another sip of his boiling coffee. “If he fell asleep as usual you might be able to wake him in an hour or two.” Taking an envelope out of his pocket the tall man placed it on the kitchen counter and pursed his lips again, thinking about something. “Can you make sure he takes that?”   
  
_ Depends on what ‘that’ is. _ __  
__  
“Why?” Hoseok poured the milk into the coffee that tasted so much better than the instant one and took a big gulp.

“Because he might go on about wasting it which is bullshit, so just tell him to take it and to use it. Either way- I'm happy that you're here and you guys get along and all that buzz, just sad cause you're hot.” Grinning the formally dressed man brushed over his shirt, probably removing non-existent dirt and poured the rest of his coffee into his mouth. “Do you want another before I disassemble it again?” he asked and pointed at the machine.   
  
“Don’t be sad because I’m hot, mom. It’ll be fine.” Hoseok grinned back and downed his coffee. “You can leave it, I’ll put it away later, I saw how you did it so it’ll be okay. Regarding this,” he pointed at the envelope, “I don’t know, I guess you’ll have to talk to him yourself, I don’t know if I’m qualified to butt in.” He bit down on his bottom lip and brushed back his bangs.

Kyungwon watched him intently through his own bangs before nodding.

“I see the muscular guy is a mechanic too,” he commented, tone teasing and turned around to take another look into Hyungwon's bedroom, staring for a little longer than before.   
  
“Yeah, call me if you need someone to fix you,” Hoseok commented.   
  
“Oh, you’re awake?” Hyungwon’s brother asked after a few seconds, voice softer than before and ignoring Hoseok’s comment. It was weird.

Hyungwon must have replied as the other man nodded and closed the door again, turning to Hoseok.

“The princess is awake,” he remarked with a grin, putting his shoes on. “And you, Hoseok, can suck my fucking dick for such comments. Get laid.”   
  
“You wish, sunshine, nice suit for a Saturday morning.” Hoseok blew the rude man a kiss and walked over to Hyungwon’s bedroom.

The slim man was cuddled up with his blanket, basically using it as a person and curled all his limbs around it. A murmur that suspiciously sounded like ‘fuck my life’ was leaving the plump lips, pout still in place. The black hair was a mess. Hyungwon looked like cuteness and adorable behaviour had sex and produced a superior offspring.   
  
“You!” Hoseok pointed at him and threw himself on the bed, curling his arms around the blanket burrito that was Hyungwon. “You are going to eat and I’m going to watch until I’m satisfied with the outcome.” He placed a kiss against the other man’s ear.

“Woah,” Hyungwon semi-yelled and threw his arms up in protection. “Give a bitch some peace. I barely slept.” As soon as the words left his lips the shut eyes opened wide and the pretty man stared at him like he was a ghost. “Oh my god, Hoseok. Wow.”   
  
“Yes, it’s ‘Oh My God Hoseok’. Are you telling me I played koala with you for nothing? Why didn’t you sleep? I already had to take your brother in the morning, don’t do this to me.” He grinned and curled his arms tighter, squeezing Hyungwon like a thin sausage.

“If I had eaten it would be in your face at this point,” Hyungwon murmured and stroked over his hair. “I don't know why I didn't sleep, my thoughts didn’t give me peace. But I did fall asleep eventually and you being there helped a lot, thank you. Was Kyungwon that bad? I think he's cute.”   
  
Hoseok wanted to let out a comment about stuffing Kyungwon’s mouth with his dick, but kept himself in check for once.   
  
“Yeah. But he did give me coffee, point for him. You’re cute, like a blanket burrito. By the way I probably look like shit because I didn’t see anything in your mirror, besides that I’m beautiful and other stuff I already know,” Hoseok commented and turned Hyungwon around, placing a kiss on his plump, pouty lips.

The remark seemed to make the beautiful man think of something as he suddenly reached for his hair and tried to flatten it, eyes a little panicky.

“Oh fuck- I didn't brush my teeth either, oh god- I'm sorry,” he mumbled and tried to climb off the bed in a hurry, stumbling over his blanket that was tangled up with his legs and hitting the sheets face first. It would have been generally funny but the tall man just remained like that, not bothering to stand up.   
  
“You look adorable and handsome, you also look absolutely stunning while you sleep. I couldn’t take my eyes off you,” Hoseok commented and pulled Hyungwon up with him, helping the other man to stand on his feet. He didn’t look particularly healthy. “But you need to eat.”

“I know,” the other whispered and it sounded resigned. “Have you ever thought about whether not eating might make you fade into thin air? Like in those cartoons where people die and just turn into stardust. It looks pretty.” The handsome man's eyes were dreamy before widening suddenly. 

“Oh fuck- don't panic, I'm okay I don't want to die right now.” Hyungwon waved around with his arms and walked to the kitchen.   
  
“It looks pretty and it’s bullshit, because in reality you just suffer for a long time while your body begs you to stop the torture and then you die and it doesn’t solve anything,” Hoseok hissed and tried to stop the flood of memories.

_ It doesn't solve anything and just leaves people behind who think they could've done more to prevent it from happening. _

“Yeah, right,” Hyungwon replied and took instant coffee out of the cupboard, filling it into a cup and turning on the kettle. Then he disappeared into the bathroom, probably to brush his teeth and take care of his business.   
  
_ It’s easy to talk about death as if it’s a fucking solution for anything. _ __  
__  
Hoseok put his used cup under the machine and pressed the button, wondering why Hyungwon still used the instant coffee although his brother had turned on the proper machine.

When the slim man returned he filled his cup with instant powder and hot water, taking a careful sip. Looking around his eyes fell on the envelope that his brother had brought and he strategically placed it behind the built up coffee machine. It was a little sudden with how he turned towards Hoseok right after and stepped closer, grabbing his face with both hands.

“Thank you. I really like you too.”   
  
_ He’s seen the post-it. _ __  
__  
“Wow, you’ve seen it among all the other ones? Your skills are no joke.” Hoseok laughed and pulled the slim body into his embrace, placing a soft kiss on Hyungwon’s incredibly thick lips.

“Of course I did. I know them all by heart,” the black-haired man said and smiled a little. “T- thank you for staying. I'm really happy to see you right now.” Hyungwon let go of Hoseok’s face and curled his hands into the fabric of his own sweatshirt instead, playing with it.   
  
Hoseok was happy too, despite the fact that Hyungwon seemed to be hating himself, despite the fact that they often talked from different perspectives and despite the fact that Hyungwon didn’t like Hoseok touching him. (Which he honestly didn’t get, at all.)   
  
“So you like me?” Hoseok asked, focusing his gaze on the other man’s beautiful big eyes.

“Y-yeah? Wasn't that clear yet? D-did I do something weird?” Hyungwon asked, visibly shocked and pulling at his own fingers a little.   
  
“It depends on how you behave towards me, but if you say so, then…” he smiled one of his nasty smiles and pulled Hyungwon closer to his body, feeling the bones and skinny thighs touching his. “Let’s date then. You are responsible for my happiness now.”   
  
_ And you are for his. _

 

***

 

_ He wants to date you. _

The words registered somehow, but it didn't seem believable. Like an adult trying to explain to a teenager that Santa Claus existed. It was just ridiculous.

Hyungwon couldn't help the way his eyes widened and his lungs rejected air, waiting to wake up from whatever dream he had created for himself to escape reality. The post-it note alone had been already pulling him into way too positive hallucinations. There was no way that Hoseok could care so much, no fucking way.

“Y- you want to date me?” he asked hesitantly, hands letting go of his own shirt and curling into the fabric on Hoseok’s chest instead. “Me? R-really?”   
  
“Yes, so take responsibility.” The beautiful man chuckled and kissed him. “Come on, you can’t say no now, it’s not fair.”

Hyungwon swallowed, positive emotions bubbling under the surface and finally getting a little further than usual, filling him out and making him want to jump Hoseok and hug him like crazy.

_ Maybe he'll change his mind faster if he sees what you're really like. _

Hyungwon bit his tongue at the thought, tainting his freshly developed positivity.

_ Do it. _

He jumped, realizing his lack of energy almost instantly as soon as his arms were around Hoseok’s neck and legs around the other man's hips. He let go and just hung there like deadweight, letting the other man carry it all.

“Thank you for wanting to date this sack of potatoes. It happily agrees,” he murmured and hid his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck. The other man grabbed his thighs and twirled him around like the sack of potatoes he was.   
  
“Can you stop dissing my dating choices, seriously, that’s homophobia,” Hoseok exclaimed and caught his lips, licking into his mouth immediately and tasting like coffee with milk. It was the good coffee. Kyungwon must have made it for him. 

_ Hoseok deserves it all. _

Hyungwon smiled into the kiss and pulled Hoseok’s head closer, closing his arms completely around his neck and licking into the warm mouth. It felt crazy, the strong arms that held his whole body weight as if it was nothing, the warm, muscular chest he was pressed against and Hoseok’s ridiculously handsome face, busy exploring his mouth and telling him all those nice things, it seemed too good to be true.   
  
“We have our date today but I didn’t bring any movies. You also wanted to meet somewhere else so how about coming to my place? Or we take a walk, but before that I’m going to watch you eat.” Hoseok talked in between the kisses as if he didn’t want to stop. At one point it got so funny that Hyungwon had to laugh, almost hitting their foreheads together painfully.

It was calm somehow, easy with the way Hoseok prepared some food with what Kyungwon had brought, fulfilling his promise of watching Hyungwon eat. It had been a little hard, especially since he lacked appetite and felt even more self-conscious with how big his mouth was when he ate. Hoseok was good at joking around though, keeping the conversation light and just asking him random questions whenever he felt a little uncomfortable. It appeared so easy to talk, stuttering getting less and less while he watched Hoseok eat like a bunny.

“You're amazing,” Hyungwon murmured after staring at Hoseok’s face for what could have been ages. He hadn't eaten everything, but it was still more than he had in the past week.   
  
“I am not, but that’s okay,” Hoseok answered and smiled at him.

“To me you are,” Hyungwon replied and already felt a little better, putting the plates into the sink and forgetting about them right after.

“I-I have a lot of movies, my parents always gave me gifts, that's why. We could also take a walk, maybe, I'm not sure if I feel confident enough to walk out.”   
  
“Hmm, let’s do something that makes you the happiest.” Hoseok grinned and walked over to the sink, rinsing his dishes and pulling dishwashing liquid out of nowhere.

“W- why are you cleaning my dishes? You don't have to,” Hyungwon whispered and couldn't help but feel reminded of his inability to do the most simple things. “Let's watch a movie.”   
  
“How old am I, Hyungwon?” Hoseok asked all of a sudden, turning towards him with a smirk

Hyungwon panicked because he had absolutely no idea, not even the slightest hint.

“Ehm, I- I don't know, twenty- something?” he mumbled and just went with usual university age. He had no idea how old Hoseok could be apart from that. He had never really thought about it.

_ He's grinning, maybe it means something. Maybe you forgot to ask. _

“I'm 23 for that matter which means that I'm an adult and know what I'm doing, thanks. You're 22, right? Your birthday is in January. Fifteenth.” The handsome face lit up in a bright smile.

_ You thought wrong.  _

“How do you know?” Hyungwon asked, completely baffled and almost choking on the glass of water he had been trying to down.

“You left your wallet. It's all in there,“ Hoseok commented and brushed his pretty blonde bangs back with his free hand.

_ Of course, you idiot. _

Hyungwon wanted to facepalm but held back, watching the way Hoseok’s back muscles flexed at the motion, just like when he cleaned the dishes. He still couldn't imagine that he had touched the beautiful man the night before, running his hands over the mesmerizing pale skin and seeing him react, moan even at the way it felt.

_ He called you gorgeous too and liked it when you sat on his thighs. _

It was a little too happy to be true but he still smiled. That is until he realized the warmth in his face and the fact that Hoseok had been looking at him for god knows how long.

_ Oh for fuck’s sake. _

“Did you think about me?” The handsome man dried his hands with a random towel and stepped closer, gaze focused on his face. 

_ And now be composed. _

“N-no,” he stuttered, successfully, feeling how blood rushed further to his face. It wasn't even because he lied but because he stuttered, fuck. “I thought about stuff, happy stuff, it also included you.”

“You looked like you did yesterday when you touched me.” Hoseok didn't give a shit about personal space, leaning in so close that he could feel the other man's breath against his lips.

Hyungwon swallowed, overwhelmed by the proximity and enjoying it at the same time.

_ He's really good at reading people. _

“I-I really liked touching you,” he whispered, hoping that Hoseok didn't hear with how quiet it was, but that was unlikely. “I- I thought about it. The way you looked.”

_ And the way he made you feel without even touching you. _ __  
__  
“How did I look?” The other man licked over his lips, touching Hyungwon’s in the process, probably on purpose.

Hyungwon instantly felt the blood in his ears, hoping that the tips weren't showing. Something about the way that Hoseok leaned over him and stared sent the same type of tingling through his body, focusing on the centre.

The image of the way the blonde looked under him as he stroked along his length seemed to be burned into his head.

_ Maybe because it's the one time you didn't actually do anything wrong. At least nothing permanent. _

“You- you looked as if you really enjoyed it, mind blowingly beautiful. Like- like you were a little out of it, somewhere really nice and I loved seeing you like that. Your skin is so beautiful, unblemished and like porcelain, I-" He stopped talking and bit his lip, feeling how his heart beat rapidly in his chest and his breaths sped up a little. “I'm rambling- sorry.”   
  
“I did really enjoy it, not to be dramatic or anything, but it was probably the most intense handjob I ever had. You’re doing all kinds of things to me, Chae Hyungwon.” Hoseok’s cheeks seemed to get a little more colour as the other man stared at him. He felt how Hoseok’s arm curled around his waist and pulled him flush against the other man’s lower body. Hyungwon gasped, surprised by the contact and the realization that his body had reacted to his own thoughts, just memories of what had happened.

He placed his palms on Hoseok’s shoulders in reflex and realised how small he always felt next to Hoseok although the blonde man was shorter. Chuckling he tried to hit his shoulder and laughed even louder at himself and his inability to do so. It was like throwing feathers at a castle.

“You really are a wall,” he said with a smile and pushed himself closer, as close as possible.   
  
“Mhm, I really like being a wall, and I also really like your body. You make me react like a rocket.” Hoseok slid one of his thick, muscular thighs between his legs.

Hyungwon gasped at the sudden sensation before his mind turned back on, hands digging further into Hoseok’s skin and body tensing.

“N- no, that's a very bad idea,” he murmured and tried to move back, unsuccessfully.

_ He'll see and all of this will be over like that stardust you like so much, it'll evaporate into thin air. _ __  
__  
“This doesn’t make sense, unless you don’t want it, which I don’t believe because your body kind of decided for you as it seems.” Hoseok leaned in closer but didn’t move his body further.

Hyungwon panicked, fear building up at how Hoseok could react to seeing his skin, especially with the milky beauty that was his own. He would be absolutely disgusted, wondering how a person like that could exist. After all nature had a mechanism for things like that, evolution and what not.

He couldn't breathe at the thought, absolutely unaware of his own body as he squeezed his eyes shut and tried to avoid having a mental breakdown out of nowhere.

_ Maybe you’re only stable when it's just you and your post-its. _

_ You also forgot your meds again. _

“I- I can't, I- I need to take my meds,” he murmured, still caught in Hoseok’s embrace but not feeling the same pleasant feeling that was there before. He wanted it back, fuck. 

_ Why are you always like this? _ __  
__  
“Fuck, did I scare you?” The warmth retreated and made room for cool air. “I’m sorry, I have no proper behaviours apart from what I know, you were probably right about that. I’ll stay away, I’m sorry.” He opened his eyes and could see how Hoseok buried his face inside his palms.

_ Fuck. _

Hyungwon grabbed the white palms and removed them from the pretty face, shaking his head furiously. 

“It's not you, Hoseok. It's never you. I'm-" Hyungwon paused and felt self-conscious again, staring down at his slim self, clad in boring attire while Hoseok stood in front of him, muscular and beautifully dressed. “I'm afraid I can't compare. You'll see what I look like- and you'll be so disgusted, fuck, I'm so scared of that. I'd rather just stay ugly in my clothes than have you see it. Shit.”   
  
“But it seems to be a thing, doesn’t it? You think one thing, and I think the complete opposite about you. I don’t think you understand. What is there under your clothes that would make me disgusted? I honestly can’t imagine at this point.” The other man’s face was strangely pale, so different from the way he looked mere minutes ago.

_ Of course he can't. They all say it can't be that bad until they see. _

Something cracked inside Hyungwon's head and he sank to the ground, staring at nothing in particular and trying to take a proper breath, lungs not letting him and burning him down to the ground instead.

_ Now he's going to know. _

“It's- it's objectively disgusting, Hoseok. Everyone thinks like that, people feel uncomfortable looking and kids make fun of it because they don't care.” He sighed in resignation and felt absolutely nothing, wanting to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling as Hoseok realized that he was right this time and gave up. It was objective. It was the one thing that was true and that his head didn't make up, it was always there and Hyungwon had already met enough people who confirmed it. “I'm repulsive and that's why I hate undressing. I don't want anybody to see.”   
  
Hoseok sank down to the ground across from him and stared at him, somehow resigned.   
  
“What don’t you want anybody to see, Hyungwon?”

“My skin.”

_ And there you go, might just as well die at this point. At least people with actual burns and problems have a reason for looking like that, unlike you, you're just weak. _ __  
__  
“Your skin? You mean those scars like on your underarms?” Hoseok didn’t have any emotion in his voice, it was strange.

“You saw?” Hyungwon asked, shock travelling through his limbs and returning a little bit of the burning in his chest. It was always better to feel something than nothing, even if it hurt. “And you're still here? It's worse along the legs. It's everywhere, I- I hate it so much.”   
  
“I saw them this morning. I kissed them while you were sleeping, am I disgusting for doing that?” The other man’s face was absolutely serious, not a hint of a smile or any other facial expression.

_ He could never be disgusting. _

Hyungwon swallowed, not believing his ears and that Hoseok would react like that. Sure, Minhyuk also said that he doesn't mind, but it's different. He also doesn't consider him attractive either. It didn't count. It wasn't lovable, just bearable.

_ So why would he...? _

“No, you could never be disgusting, Hoseok! Why would you even think that?” Hyungwon exclaimed and reached out for the beautiful face, grabbing it with his big bony palms and moving a little closer, looking at the dark brown eyes. “I- I cannot understand how you could react that like. I- I don't know what to say.”   
  
“Is it that you don’t believe that I find you attractive, or that you don’t want to believe it because you have such a strong opinion that you’re disgusting or whatever bullshit you’re trying to tell yourself. If people find it disgusting then they’re trash. I find people disgusting who act like that, as if they couldn’t get scars or as if they’re perfect. Nothing about people is perfect, Hyungwon.” Hoseok was not moving, he simply sat there and spoke. “I’m not saying stuff like ‘oh my god scars and bruises are beautiful’ but it’s not disgusting either, it’s like the shape of a finger, someone has a straight one and someone has a thin one, a thick one, it’s different. The standards are made up by people who think they’re better although they’re not.”

_ You're doing it again. You're applying different standards to yourself and others, separating into two groups. _

“I want to believe you, I want to believe you so fucking much but it's like a quiet voice lives in my head and tells me that I'm shit and absolutely worthless and would be better off dead. It's not all the time, but sometimes it just hits out of nowhere and I can't get myself under control, crying and doing nothing for days. I- it was worse before, that's why I had to pause my studies. I just tend to put the standards impossibly high for myself, beating myself up over not fulfilling them after. I know all that and I know that I'm being irrational and that my feelings don't make sense. I should be falling into your arms and enjoying it the way I want to but since it's emotional it's so fucking hard to control.” His throat hurt a little from barely breathing and pressing all those words out. His body made its way closer to Hoseok, curling his arms around his neck and trying to stop overthinking. It was difficult but he tried, squeezing his eyes shut and focusing on the one positive thought he had.

_ He enjoyed being close to you and wants to be with you. _ __  
__  
“I hope I don’t fuck this up,” Hoseok whispered and closed his eyes, looking extremely emotional somehow.

“You won't,” Hyungwon murmured and just climbed on top of the broad man, closing his arms around him and placing his head on his shoulder. “We'll be okay.” His eyes were focused on a small post-it note on the reflecting handle of the fridge, placed there from the bottom because it was the only angle that he could see himself.

‘It'll be okay.’   
  
“I want to be with you.” Hoseok finally curled his arms around his waist and buried his blonde head in his non-existent chest.

“Then be with me, I'm so sorry, I'll work on it, I swear,” Hyungwon whispered and brushed through the blonde strands. The sight was scary, reminding him of the time he had stroked over Kyungwon’s hair who had been begging him not to die, because he needed him.

_ Although you were always the one who needed him. _

Hyungwon always forgot that he wasn't the only one on this earth, the only one who would have to bear the consequences of his death.

_ It's everyone else, not you. _ __  
__  
“I have no idea what to do.” Hoseok’s voice sounded as if the other man was desperate somehow.

“Just stay, point out when I don't make sense, remind me of what I told you. Remind me of positive things. I struggle so much to think of something good that happened when my mind goes black. You already make me very happy, Hoseok, really. And I'm much better than I was before.” Hyungwon continued stroking through the soft hair. It really felt familiar, almost the same. Swallowing he remembered his past words. “I'm not going to kill myself, Hoseok. I won't do that to you.”   
  
“What if I do something dumb and you feel bad because of me?” The other man’s hands tightened in his shirt. “What if I can’t see if something is wrong and just fuck off?”

Hyungwon didn't know. He couldn't predict what his head would do or what he would think. Hoseok leaving the room for a minute or two had been a perfect example.

_ It's you, not him, so you'll have to work on this. _

“Tell me why you leave? Show me that you never leave just like that? I'm sure we can find a way, Hoseok. It's mostly what I think and not what you do, I'll- I'll have to work on it. It's also better than now most of the time. I just tend to forget things, like my meds and food and- yeah.”   
  
“Just let me be close. Let me be close to you.” Hoseok lifted his head and kissed him. Slowly, without any urgency or innuendos, just like that.

It was nice and Hyungwon could feel his body relax at the touch, just staying close to each other and enjoying the connection they shared. He parted his lips and basked in the way Hoseok tasted, a little bit like the fruit salad he had cut for him before.

“Then please don't leave.”   
  
“I won’t,” Hoseok whispered and pulled him further on top of his lap. “If you don’t leave me.”

“Now that's just ridiculous,” Hyungwon replied with a smile and closed the distance between their lips, inhaling the scent that was Hoseok. 

“It's not,” Hoseok whispered, leaned back grabbing his underarm and pulling up his sweatshirt before placing kisses along the scars while staring into his eyes.

Hyungwon froze, fear and shock at the unexpected action mingling as he watched the beautiful, perfect, curved lips touch him, moving over the one thing he hated the most about himself. It was difficult to combine the two things, the one he loved and the one he hated, together.

“H-Hoseok,” he whispered, still self conscious but impossibly emotional that Hoseok would do that, kiss the ugliest part of him. “Y-you don't have to. I'm already so happy that you aren't disgusted.”   
  
“I want to kiss you, you dumb person. It’s not about being disgusted or whatnot.” Hoseok’s lips moved further smiling against his skin before the other man had mercy on him and put his arm back.

Hyungwon released a breath he had apparently been holding and tried to understand what his body was doing, skin tingling where Hoseok had touched him although it was scarred over.

“Thank you,” he whispered and felt the colour return to his face, realizing that he was still sitting on the other man's lap. He liked it way too much.

_ It's like that one fantasy you have, being held close like this. _

_ If you don't share the positive things no one will be able to remind you when you forget. _

“I-I really like being like this.”   
  
“Then stay,” Hoseok whispered and leaned in for another kiss.   
  
_   
  
  
It was like a ritual, removing every layer of protection until only the ugly truth remained. Hyungwon was slowly curling his t-shirt upwards and uncovering his chest. There weren't as many marks on it but it was slim, boring compared to what one would consider attractive.

_ You're too thin, it’s repulsive. _

Pulling the thick layer over his head he swallowed, fingertips brushing over his own chest and hating every inch of it, every little bit of skin that covered it. Sometimes Hyungwon imagined that humanity was advanced enough to create artificial bodies to live in, pretty ones, replacing the malfunctioning ones. Hyungwon would have been the first one to replace everything.

_ You're the faulty version, Kyungwon is the perfect one. _

Sometimes it was difficult to comprehend the point of his existence if there was a perfect version of himself. Why was he here? There didn't really appear to be a purpose.

_ Maybe you need to save his life if he needs an organ donor. Like the replacement heap. You've done it before. _

Hyungwon liked the thought, it sounded like there was actually a purpose to his existence, so much unlike reality.

Preparing for the worst he pulled down the sweatpants, uncovering his legs and staring at how ugly they were, not human at all with all the marks covering them.

_ Just wash it all away, be clean at least. _

Once he entered the bathroom his eyes fell on the small post-it that Hoseok had written for him, plastering a smile on his face each time he saw it. It differed from the other ones somehow. 

_ Because you know that this one is true. _

All the others were just Hyungwon's attempts to lie to himself, to follow his doctor’s advice and write messages that he was supposed to believe.

_ Maybe you should have let others write them for you. _

But then again he trusted others as little as himself.

Stepping into the shower cabin he didn't put the water on cold, not feeling the need to punish himself this time and merely enjoying the way the liquid felt when it ran down his back and collected at his fingertips, single drops running down and hitting the black tiles.

_ Would be nice to slip away like that as well. _

It still seemed so surreal that it was the same fingertips that had touched such perfect skin, unblemished and beautifully pale. There was something magical about the way the muscular man had looked undressed, like everything Hyungwon had ever wanted to be and have but didn't.

_ Maybe that's what makes them worthy now, having touched something as beautiful as that. _

Hyungwon could have looked at Hoseok for hours, brushed over the firm muscles, along his shoulders, caressed his abdominal muscles and finally curled a hand around his thick erection, making him feel good. Making him moan again like he had moaned Hyungwon's name.

_ It was ethereal, absolutely ethereal.  _

The almost forgotten sensation of arousal appeared out of nowhere, spreading through his body and focusing in his groin, sending small sparks to his brain and along his legs.

_ Thinking of him makes you react like that? _

He bit his lip and imagined the beautiful man in front of him, standing straight in all his glory, shirt lying on the ground and hands lose at his sides. His chest was perfectly sculpted, so attractive that Hyungwon wanted to taste it, lick the pale skin with his tongue, remember it with more senses than one.

A gasp left his lips at the thought, arousal only heightening and spreading out, leaving the gorgeous man as the only coherent image.

Hyungwon wanted to touch him so bad, just like before, see the way he reacted, the way his body wanted more, how his lips parted in pleasure. He wanted to be close, to feel the way Hoseok’s chest rose with a deep breath, how his abdominal muscles tensed with arousal, erection twitching in his hand.

His own breathing frequency was increasing as he kept his eyes squeezed shut, not allowing himself to see his own imperfections. He wanted to be like Hoseok instead, just melt into the gorgeous human being and transform into a part of him, something valuable, out of this world.

His imaginations of the blonde man were bright, filled with details and bodily reactions that he wasn't able to control, pants passing through his lips and breaking the stream of water briefly. His long, bony fingers slid along his body tentatively, pretending that he was touching Hoseok instead of himself, responsible for the other’s pleasure instead of his own.

It made the thought so much easier and more bearable, the idea that it was Hoseok whom he was pleasuring and not his own imperfect self. 

The motion of his hand was the same he had applied to the muscular body, smooth with more pressure on the head, getting quicker just like the frequency of his exhales. Hyungwon imagined Hoseok’s moans instead, the way his curved lips parted to release a loud and arousing sound, driving him absolutely mad.

Hyungwon wanted to make him feel good, so fucking bad.

His low voice echoed off the walls and off the wet, black tiles, muffled by the sound of water. His imaginations carried him further, to the way Hoseok’s arms bulged to hold himself back, to the way the other's lips felt against his, the way the velvety skin of his erection felt against his fingertips. The way Hoseok’s whole body convulsed, groaning his name as he released himself between the two of them.

A loud moan left Hyungwon's lips as he did the same, resting his head against the shower wall to calm himself and palming his erection through the aftermath.

Opening his eyes, he watched the proof of his affection towards the beautiful man run down the drain, disappearing, leaving absolutely nothing behind apart from the disgust that he felt for his own person, the way his legs looked and the fact that he would never be good enough to be touched by someone as beautiful as Hoseok was.

_ But maybe you can touch him. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 9th of August at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
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> 

_What the fuck were you even thinking?_  
  
That he had time? Which he didn't. That he had ressources to care about yet another person, which he objectively speaking didn’t? That he was over his ex-boyfriend dying from the consequences of his heavy anorexia, although he was still as involved as soon as something reminded him of it?  
  
_Fucking idiot. You have a radar, don’t you?_  
  
“I thought you died, of syphilis or some other kind of STD, where the fuck were you, Bunny?” Kihyun stood in the middle of his room and accused him of stuff as if Hoseok wasn’t trying to study for his exam next week and didn’t survive on three hours sleep because he had stayed with Hyungwon from Friday evening to Saturday evening although they had just planned to watch a movie. Instead they had eaten, talked, kissed and hugged, and he had ended up basically spending the evening with the long, slim body on his lap. Hyungwon felt comfortable there, so he had let him stay there until the other man fell asleep and he carried him to bed, writing a couple of small post-its and sticking them to the bedside table, the fridge and the bathroom mirror.  
  
_What were you even doing?_  
  
He had no idea. He just knew that it had been already too late to do anything about the fact that he was absolutely hooked.  
  
“Okay, don’t answer the STD thing, but you did fuck those twins, didn’t you?” Kihyun came closer and looked at him with a nasty grin. “That’s some kind of new threshold, even for you. What’s next, triplets? You have one dick, Hoseok, how are you doing this?”

“Oh shut up, I didn't fuck anyone. One of them is my boyfriend.” Hoseok kind of hoped that Kihyun would shut up, but his hopes died with the mental outburst of loud laughter right next to his ear.

“Boyfriend, ahahaha, I'm dying. You asshole made out with both of them, don't you dare lie to me.“ Kihyun curled his fingers around his throat and started shaking him for no reason.

_He didn't get laid, did he?_

Probably not.

“The second one is my boyfriend, for real, I was there all that time and we also left together. I have a boyfriend, Kihyun.” Hoseok buried his head in his palms as if having a boyfriend was the worst among all of his problems.  
  
_It’s the most complicated one, isn’t it?_  
  
His best friend stopped shaking him and removed his hands suddenly.  
  
“Are- are you serious, Hoseok? You- think it’s a good idea?” Kihyun changed just like the atmosphere and Hoseok let out a deep sigh.  
  
“I am serious, I think that it’s a shitty ass-head idea but I can’t do anything about it at this point, I’m hooked. Seriously hooked. I have neither time, nor resources, nor emotional balance. Stay tuned for the giant fuckery,” he replied and closed his book, sensing that studying wouldn’t work out at this point.  
  
“What is he like? Is he nice to you? I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you know what I think. It wasn’t your fault, Hoseok.” Kihyun’s voice got quieter and he placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing it lightly.  
  
_The fault doesn’t change the outcome, does it?_  
  
It never did.  
  
“Mhm. Either way, stay tuned for me going nuts because I won’t get shit done.” He sighed and smiled at his best friend. At moments like this they understood each other without many words and it was nice like this. He opened the biochemistry book from his second semester and started writing down the most important notes to get himself to remember what the exam had been about.  
  
_You can be useful. At least like this._  
  
_  


He had a nightmare again. It had been a mystery how the hell he was able to have a nightmare while sleeping a whole forty-five minutes. Was it even possible? He didn’t know, but he knew exactly that it had come back.  
  
It was the same all over again, they stood at the veranda of the hospital and smoked. Ben’s hand was skin and bones, there wasn’t much left, he smiled and he laughed at Hoseok’s jokes, slapped his arm and leaned against his shoulder, making himself shorter although Hoseok was the short one. Ben told him how he wanted to go to the sea because he always imagined being a bird and flying over it, to see how wide it really was, much bigger than his horizon in his hospital room he had spent the last month in. Hoseok was nineteen, he didn’t know anything back then, not about anorexia and not about Ben’s story of depression, he just loved him. He thought it was enough. Ben told him that he loved him too but it must’ve been something different.  
  
_Because he just left._  
  
He hadn’t thought much when the thin and tall boy told him that it would’ve been amazing to become air, or water, to flow freely wherever he wanted to go, without having a form or a state, to just become non-existent. He thought it had been an abstract discussion, something that no-one would really consider doing.  
  
“Do you see how I exhale the smoke? It’s as if something leaves my body and joins the air, it’s so beautiful right? I wish I was like the air, not exhaling but being this mixture, just existing without existing.” Ben looked up with his huge eyes that seemed even bigger with how his face consisted of bones, skin and eyes only. Hoseok laughed back then, telling the thin boy that one couldn’t exist without existing. He had been wrong. Because Ben was there although he wasn’t.  
  
_Why are you crying, Hoseok? It won’t help and it was long ago, it’s over._  
  
It was but it also wasn't. In the end the person on the veranda with the cigarette in his bony hand had been right all along and Hoseok was the idiot, not understanding what it had been about.  
  
There had also been the phone call, where Ben had told him that he’d be out of the hospital soon because he felt much better. Hoseok had replied that he’d come after moving to Amsterdam because it was so stressful.  
  
“You could also come and smoke with me for the last time on the veranda, it won’t be the same when I’m free,” Ben’s voice sounded a little nostalgic, Hoseok knew, he also missed their talks, but he had to organize his university stuff and his Mom needed help with her car.  
  
“It’ll be much better after you’re out,” Hoseok told him back then.  
  
Ben had laughed so genuinely.  
  
“It will.”  
  
_  
  
  
Hoseok finished the exam notes he had prepared for Hyungwon and found an apartment for Changkyun, booked the van and put his pharmacy shift to another day, to help his brother move in. He had exactly three fucking hours he should’ve spent sleeping because he had two the night before and it hadn’t been nearly enough. Instead he stood in front of the dark brown door and rang the bell, waiting for the familiar figure to open. 

There was shuffling as always, but Hoseok was already used to it.

Once the beautiful man opened the door he appeared positively surprised.

“Wah, come in! I didn't expect you,” he exclaimed and smiled, waving Hoseok inside. It was rather unusual. Hoseok smiled and stepped into the familiar apartment.  
  
“I have three hours and I had the choice between sleep, food and seeing you and I decided that you would be the best choice.” Hoseok grinned and took off his shoes.

“What?” Hyungwon appeared shocked, eyes wide. “Oh my god, you should have slept, Hoseok. What the fuck?” The black-haired man placed a random pizza box to the side and visibly tried to make some room for Hoseok to sit. The fact that there were delivery boxes in the first place was already a good sign. “You will be fucking exhausted. Do you want to nap?”  
  
“Why would I nap if I came to see you? It doesn’t make sense. Come here.” He isolated his index finger and beckoned Hyungwon over.

The other man chewed on his lower lip as he moved closer, stepping in front of him tentatively. He looked adorable as always, lips a little pouty like he had spent most of the day abusing them.

“I just don't want to be the reason for your misery. Maybe you can stare at my face and then nap? I'm worried, you look really tired.”  
  
“I look like shit? Sorry, I’m afraid that you will have to deal with it today. But it’s time limited. Three hours.” He chuckled and pulled Hyungwon closer, curling his arms around his thin waist. “Did you eat?”

“Yeah, didn't you see the pizza box? I probably smell like a mixture of cheese and shrimp.” The tall but thin man chuckled and focused on Hoseok’s face, staring at something rather intently. “You could never look like shit I think. Way too pretty. You look like those guys on Twitter that I follow because they look nice, aesthetically pleasing. Still can't believe I have one right in front of me. One that is so damn nice to me and interested in me at the same time.”  
  
“Ah, I saw you pressing likes under thigh pics. Why would you though if you have my thighs, just saying,” he commented and pouted playfully.

Hyungwon laughed loudly and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, returning the embrace.

“I don't see them often enough and it's kind of like a habit now. That's what my love life consisted of until now, my finger pressing likes on thigh pics.” The tall man smiled again and tried to walk backwards towards the counter, without letting go of him.  
  
“I’d show you love life if you’d let me.” Hoseok grinned and let his hands slide down Hyungwon’s sides slowly. They still hadn’t done anything apart from the one handjob Hoseok was lucky enough to get. He didn’t even know how he had survived until this point without simply jumping Hyungwon like a crazy, starved animal.

“I- I know,” Hyungwon murmured and began playing with the fabric of Hoseok’s shirt, pulling at it and revealing his collarbones, probably not on purpose although the big, brown eyes immediately settled on them. “Your skin is so gorgeous, fuck my life.”  
  
“Is it? Then touch it please, you have to enjoy what you have, Hyungwon. Be nice to yourself.” He couldn’t help a loud chuckle as the handsome man in front of him hit his butt against the kitchen counter and Hoseok simply lifted him up on top of it.

“Oh my god- this is like porn,” Hyungwon murmured but still reached out and stroked along Hoseok’s uncovered collarbone, following the dip and licking over his lips as he did so. “There is something about you- something that- fights my non-existent libido.” Hyungwon was visibly embarrassed saying that, immediately brushing over Hoseok’s clothed chest and pretending to be busy, legs spreading a little to accommodate him better.  
  
“There’s something about you that concentrates my insatiable libido on one single person. Fuck my life.” Hoseok stepped closer, positioning himself between Hyungwon’s long legs and lifting his right hand to stroke over the other man’s black hair, slowly arriving at the crook of his neck and tracing the outline of his bony shoulder down to his chest and stomach.

Hyungwon was watching him intently, breathing a little quicker and eyes wide, not moving an inch but merely following the motions of Hoseok’s hand with his eyes.

“I'm- I'm sorry for making you suffer like this,” he whispered but remained still. “I- I actually even hate to- to please myself to be honest. But-" The black-haired man didn't finish his sentence and pulled his lower lip into his mouth instead.  
  
“But what?” Tilting his head to the left, he stared into the other man’s big brown eyes that Hyungwon tried hard to hide from him, without success.

“I- I kinda did, thinking of touching you.” It was barely audible but enough for him to hear. Hyungwon's face turned red and he sighed, obviously embarrassed.  
  
“Listen, if I could turn red because of what I thought of doing to you, I’d just turn into a cooked lobster.” He laughed and grabbed Hyungwon’s slim waist, pushing him a little further into his own hips.

“Oh no no no, don't make me react,” Hyungwon mumbled and held onto his shoulders, gasping at the sensation. “I don't want to embarrass myself on top of already being embarrassed. I can't compare to your previous lovers.”  
  
“I don’t give a single shit about my previous lovers, Hyungwon, whereas I do give a lot of shits about you. I just- sometimes I have the feeling you don’t find me attractive because you seem to not react to me somehow. It’s just- a little unusual for me, I still haven’t gotten used to it.” He hoped that it didn’t sound demanding or anything similarly dumb. He just wished for Hyungwon to consider him attractive.

“I- I know what you mean, maybe I can try to explain. I'm very attracted to you, I love your body and it does make me feel aroused, but then what happens is, that my head tells me that I'm disgusting and I compare my body and then I just want to hide away and not be seen. It's- difficult.” The beautiful man was chewing on his lip, visibly worried.  
  
_You have practical intelligence, use it you genius._  
  
“But, would you let me touch you without undressing you?” Hoseok licked over his lips and caught Hyungwon’s gaze, waiting for an answer.

There was a pause as the other man's eyes widened.

“Y-yeah I guess- if- if you would want to that is.” Hyungwon stuttered even more than usual, eyes still huge and breaths much quicker than before.  
  
“You bet I do,” he groaned and pulled his own shirt over his head, staying in his black, ripped jeans for effect. Handjobs were always better if one had visual accompaniment. “You can touch me if you want to.” Hoseok smiled and went directly for Hyungwon’s lips, not leaving a lot of time to rethink. Rethinking sucked.

The beautiful man hissed into his mouth, hands instantly holding onto his shoulders and pulling him closer, plump lips parting to give him access. He seemed nervous but played along.  
  
Pulling the slim hips against his own he rolled them, letting Hyungwon feel how hard he was. There was nothing bad about showing the person who was responsible for his misery the effect he had on him.

“Holy shit,” Hyungwon cursed, throwing his head back and baring his neck. His skin was beautifully golden and only at the edges were there smaller scars. “B-but we didn't even do anything yet-”  
  
“You opened the door and then you walked towards me pursing those thick lips of yours, you blushed into my face and you make me want to do things to you, which is why you’re responsible. But don’t panic, I won’t undress you, unless you want me to.” Hoseok rolled his hips once again, licking over Hyungwon’s neck in the process. Shit, it was so fucking hot.  
  
_It’s like you’re in puberty again, all excited over dry humping and handjobs._

“P-pervert,” Hyungwon gasped but it was clear that he didn't really mean it, pushing a little bit against his hips like he liked it way more than he let on. “Y-you react sexually to my embarrassment.”  
  
“I react sexually to almost everything you do at this point, Hyungwon. Ah, I really want to hear you moan in that pretty low voice of yours.” Hoseok sunk his teeth into the sensitive skin behind Hyungwon’s curved ear, careful not to hurt the other man but still applying pressure a little. His inhibitions kinda sucked when he didn’t sleep.

His hands went from Hyungwon’s thin waist down to his cute butt, sliding along his hips and thighs. Hoseok enjoyed how they felt under his fingertips, even if it was through the fabric, it was much better than nothing.

A moan left the full lips, quiet but still a moan. It was enough to let Hyungwon's eyes flutter shut and push further into the touches.

“Oh my god, Hoseok,” the black-haired man moaned again, thin fingers pressing into his naked shoulders. Shit, it was so attractive and Hoseok wanted to hear more of those, louder and more intense. Placing both hands on Hyungwon’s knees he slid up the other man’s thighs, stopping right before it got interesting and went back down, applying pressure and stroking gently over the other man's inner thighs with his thumbs.

Hyungwon was fucking gorgeous.

Touching was not undressing, so he slid under the loose sweatshirt and traced Hyungwon’s sharp collar bones with his fingers, brushing over the erect nipples and let his hands travel further down to the waistband of the other man’s favourite sweatpants.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon cursed again, beautiful blush covering his face and lips parted. It was hot to see how the slim man stared at him through half-lidded eyes and breathed rapidly through his open mouth. “Holy mother of god.”  
  
Normally, Hoseok would’ve already undressed him and could’ve been able to listen to those pretty moans while sucking on his pretty length, but Hyungwon had been a different story from the start, so he traced the outlines of the other man’s erection with his fingers, brushing over it along with the fabric, letting Hyungwon accomodate to the thought that someone was touching him. Something told him that it must’ve been a sensation the other man hadn’t experienced often.

The black-haired man held his breath, body tensing briefly before relaxing again and releasing a much louder and breathier moan that he covered with his right palm. Hyungwon's eyes were wide again, staring at him, but it couldn't have been the touch itself, the reaction was too intense for just that.  
  
“I love how you feel, Hyungwon, fuck,” he just hissed back and let one hand travel along the other man’s naked chest and stomach, while the other rubbed against the obvious erection.

“D-distract me more, my brain is turning on,” Hyungwon whispered and looked a little scared, hands stroking over Hoseok’s shoulders and chest until one settled in his blonde hair, pulling him closer.  
  
_Distract? Just fucking blow him, Hoseok._  
  
He was quick, pulling Hyungwon into a rough kiss and grabbing the other man’s hair while his hand slipped under the waistband of the handsome man’s sweatpants, fingers immediately curling around the long erection and stroking a couple of times for effect.

Hyungwon moaned into his mouth, eyes closing automatically and legs spreading further. The other man seemed to tense at the touch before falling apart, head thrown back and plump lips a vibrant, red colour. Hoseok really wanted to blow him.  
  
“I’m going to make you feel good,” he whispered against Hyungwon’s swollen mouth and leaned down, freeing the other man’s erection with a practiced movement and licking a stripe from the base to the tip. Sure, it would’ve been more fun to have access to the balls and other fun places, but life wasn’t a wishlist so he had to use what was available.

The slim man's body basically convulsed at the action, fingers digging almost painfully into his shoulders despite Hyungwon's lack of strength. Wide eyes settled on his face, staring with parted lips that released a few particularly loud moans.

“W- what, Hoseok-" Hyungwon began but didn't finish, throwing his head back instead at the way Hoseok moved his tongue over his erection.  
  
An unfinished sentence was a good sign so he was sure he could continue. He licked over the tip a couple of times, coating it in saliva and teasing the other man a little before he took his erection into his mouth and sucked a little harsher, helping out with his right hand.

Hyungwon let go of his shoulders and held onto the counter instead, breathing heavily. The big brown eyes were trying to focus on him and what he was doing but the beautiful man visibly struggled to do so, thighs tensing. Hoseok could tell how Hyungwon reacted stronger when he was looking at him than if he wasn't, much more so than when Hoseok compared his reaction to that of other people he had been with.

“Oh god,” the low voice groaned as Hyungwon leaned back on his arms, eyes closed and chest rising and falling with each moan. The way the sweatshirt stuck to his skin revealed more of his thin form.  
  
Hoseok loved the reaction. Deciding to make the whole thing more fun, he grabbed Hyungwon’s hips and slid all the way down, deepthroating the other man and humming when he felt the tip hitting the back of his throat.

“Shit- fuck- Hoseok,” Hyungwon cursed loudly and almost let himself drop back, landing on his covered elbows instead and moaning deeply. His voice was absolutely gorgeous, just like the thighs that surrounded Hoseok’s head and were unfortunately clothed. “Oh my god.”  
  
Hoseok repeated the action a couple of times before letting go and sliding the tip along his curved lips while staring up at Hyungwon.  
  
“You’re delicious,” he hummed in his low, rough voice.

Hyungwon simply stared, eyes wide and chest lifting and falling in an unusual tempo. His arms were shivering a little, probably from the strain of holding his body up. The same was the case with his thighs, but the reason must have been a different one.

“You're- oh god- I don't even know- fuck.”  
  
“It’s fine, I’m fine with ‘oh god’.” Hoseok grinned and buried his tongue in the slit before basically throwing Hyungwon’s pretty thighs on his shoulders and resuming the fun.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Hyungwon muttered and it sounded a little desperate as he just let himself fall to the counter, a little sideways because there wasn't much space, and lifted his legs higher, moaning against his own palm and throwing his head from side to side. The sweatshirt rode up a little bit, revealing the area right above the waistband of the sweatpants until Hyungwon's navel, equally golden and barely covered in scars. Hoseok wanted to kiss it.  
  
_Later, give him the release, don’t be a dick._  
  
Hoseok was a nice person, so he did, deepthroating him repeatedly, humming and making it as much fun as possible by using his tongue to press down on the connection between head and shaft when he slid back up, tightening his lips around the tip and moving back down.

Hyungwon was visibly losing it, motions of his body less coordinated and more rough despite lack of strength. The erection between Hoseok’s lips twitched repeatedly as the slim thighs tightened around his head and Hyungwon tried to muffle the noises he was making with his underarm, almost screaming.

Muffling noises was absolutely unacceptable, so he reached for the thin arm and pulled it away, eager to hear how much Hyungwon liked it, and Hyungwon liked it a lot. Throwing his head from side to side the black-haired man bit down on his lip, only to stop and release repeated open mouthed moans, endurance ending like the thread of a candle, slowly but steadily.

“Oh my god- shit- I'm-" he muttered and held onto Hoseok’s hand, squeezing it tightly as his body convulsed and the beautiful black-haired man released himself inside Hoseok’s mouth with a scream.

Hoseok swallowed and sucked the beautiful man through his orgasm until the other his slim thighs squeezed his head a little. He lifted his head and slid Hyungwon’s underwear and pants back up, licking his lips repeatedly. He must’ve liked the other man’s taste somehow.

Hyungwon just lay on the counter, breathing heavily with one hand on his sweaty forehead, bangs brushed out of the way, and the other still holding onto Hoseok’s. He was trying to calm down, exhaling through his mouth.

“You-” he began after a while, spreading his legs a little. “You said you wouldn't undress me, but fuck- holy shit.”  
  
“Wait, hold up, undressing means pants and shirt, you’re still wearing them. You know how much more fun it would’ve been if I had taken everything off your body? But then I probably would’ve snapped, so it’s good.” He chuckled and licked over his lips with a grin before picking his shirt up from the floor and pulling it over his head.

Hyungwon lifted his hand from his forehead the exact amount of time that he needed to throw Hoseok a judgemental look, eyebrows rising up a little. Slapping his shoulder without much vigour a smile passed over the luscious lips. “Sneaky.”  
  
“Mhm, but you’re so fucking delicious,” he hummed and pressed his lips to Hyungwon’s briefly.

“I don't think I'm too fond of cum, but porn always makes it look like a treat, so maybe I'm missing out,” the tall man commented with a shrug and licked over his lips as well, probably dry from moaning so much with an open mouth. Hoseok really wanted to laugh, Hyungwon was hilarious.  
  
“It’s not about being fond, it always depends on the situation. You moaned so prettily and your reaction was amazing, I loved it, so I kind of also like the outcome. Something like that?” Hoseok picked up Hyungwon’s body from the counter and walked over to the bedroom, falling back on the sheets and letting the other man fall on top of himself.

Hyungwon yelped when he fell on top of Hoseok but hid his face right after, probably feeling embarrassed again.

“You seem really experienced,” he mumbled into Hoseok’s shoulder and let the fingers of his left hand travel over Hoseok’s chest, moving downwards like they were walking over his skin.  
  
“Mhm, but you never know, each new person is different. Of course there are things that are kind of common, but one has to determine each time how to fit together.” He almost mentioned Kyungwon as an example but his brain intervened on time.

“I don't think you can learn anything from me though, apart from how to judge thighs from afar maybe,” Hyungwon commented and sighed, air hitting Hoseok’s neck. The long fingers travelled further, playing with the seam of Hoseok’s shirt.  
  
“Bullshit. I’m in my second puberty, you make me feel and experience all kinds of things. For the first time since a very long time ago.” He got quieter towards the end and concentrated on how Hyungwon’s fingers felt like over his clothed skin.

“But- the only reason I don't come as soon as you touch me is because my head keeps me from it with all kinds of thoughts. It really doesn't want me to enjoy myself, little bastard.” The beautiful man chuckled and pressed himself closer, looking up. “But what happened a long time ago? Why since then?”  
  
_No. Not now._  
  
“I was young and- and I’ll tell you some other time, maybe.” He felt cold suddenly, goosebumps spread over his skin and he barely contained a shiver. Hyungwon immediately tensed, stopping the way his fingers travelled over his skin and curled his arms around him instead, pulling him closer.

“Whenever you want,” the black-haired man whispered and pressed a kiss to his cheek, followed by another one to his lips. “Can I touch you?”  
  
_Can?_  
  
“Always,” he whispered and sunk one hand into Hyungwon’s black hair. The sensation calmed him down a little and he smiled.

“I think your smile can heal cancer,” Hyungwon murmured suddenly and climbed up on top of him, sitting on his lap and leaning down to press a kiss to his lips. “It makes me feel something and I like that.”  
  
“I also love your smile, too bad you always stop in the middle.” Hoseok shifted a little under the long, thin body on his lap. “You sitting on my lap also makes me feel something.”

Hyungwon pouted a little, dissatisfied with Hoseok's comment.

“If I smile I look like a frog, I hate it. I think I'm prettier when my face is neutral, if at all that is.” Staring down at nothing that Hoseok could identify Hyungwon shifted back and forth, probably to pretend to be busy again although it had a rather different effect.  
  
“Are you trying to torture me, Hyungwon? Great success.” Grabbing the other man’s slim hips he thrust up a little and grinned. “Your smile is beautiful, it’s a fact, not a discussion topic.”

“Fuck- no no no no,” Hyungwon mumbled and lifted his hips a little, colour returning to his face full force and teeth settling on the full bottom lip. “I need composure for this.”  
  
“Who needs composure? But sure, feel free.” Hoseok let him go, placed his hands under his head and licked over his lips slowly.

Hyungwon stared at him, sucking air into his lungs and licking over his mouth repeatedly.

“C-can I undress you?”  
  
“Please,” he whispered and felt how a familiar tingling spread over his legs and lower stomach in anticipation. Hyungwon swallowed audibly and slipped his hands under his shirt, rolling it upwards carefully. It seemed very slow and attentive, like undressing had a special meaning to the other man, like a ritual or something similar.

Pulling the shirt over his head a hiss left the black-haired man and he allowed his hands to roam Hoseok’s chest, caressing every dip and inch of skin they could find. He reacted immediately, as soon as Hyungwon’s slender fingers touched his body every touch was registered as double in intensity, it was crazy.

“Your skin is so sensitive,” Hyungwon whispered and leaned down, slipping a little further back on his thighs and pressing his lips to Hoseok’s right pec muscle, sucking the skin into his mouth. Letting go he examined the slightly reddened spot and repeated the motion with another inch. Glancing upwards briefly, he inhaled and licked over a nipple, very quickly, just the brief touch of the tip of his tongue.  
  
“Do that again,” he hissed, body striving for attention like a three-year-old who got promised an ice-cream and was standing in front of the damn truck.

Licking over his lips again, the beautiful man returned the warm tongue to his nipple, licking over it. Repeating the motion two more times the luscious lips closed around the erect bud, sucking at it just like he had done with the patch of skin. Hyungwon's lips were absolutely otherworldly.  
  
“Your lips, god, I can’t breathe even when I only think about them,” Hoseok moaned and buried his head in the soft pillow, pulling an arm over his eyes to not lose his shit. He could feel Hyungwon smile against his skin, probably enjoying the compliment as he let go of the bud and turned to the next, giving it a few kitten licks before he sucked it into his mouth too, playing with his tongue in the meantime.

“I like the taste of your skin,” Hyungwon said and licked a stripe along his abdominal muscles. “I- I can't believe I'm allowed to do this- fuck.”  
  
“Why are you talking about allowed here? I’m euphoric as fuck that you’re literally on my lap sucking on my nipple and you’re all thankful. What for? I’m the one who’s thankful, you’re so fucking gorgeous, fuck.” He couldn’t help but imagine Hyungwon not wearing anything. He really appreciated the sweatpants and everything, but naked skin was more to his liking.

“Says the sculpted Greek statue that came to life,” Hyungwon whispered and rolled Hoseok’s nipple between his teeth, watching his reaction carefully. It was clear that the other was man trying out, exploring his body to figure out what he enjoyed.  
  
It had been an exceptionally good idea to put his hands under his head. At this point he probably would’ve grabbed the other man’s hair and pushed him down against his skin. Instead he moaned, biting down on his lip to not perform all those actions he normally did when someone sat on his lap.

Hyungwon let his fingers explore as he continued to play with Hoseok’s nipples, rolling one over his lower lip. Everything the black-haired man did was so hesitant and careful but so fucking hot at the same time. It made no sense.

The long fingers arrived at his waistband, digging under it a little bit as Hyungwon let his lower lip brush over one of the buds tentatively, tongue joining the party right after.

“I kind of dreamt about this,” he whispered and opened the button of Hoseok’s jeans. “Just that I d- did less and let you do everything you wanted to me.”  
  
“Oh god, don’t say it.” Hoseok was already going nuts but Hyungwon decided to hit him with the sexual fantasy brick right into his face. “Oh my god, I won’t forget it anymore.”

“I'm sorry,” the beautiful man apologised and placed kisses along his stomach, one at every inch of skin while his fingers pulled down the zipper of his jeans, removing them from his legs slowly. Hyungwon did the same with the underwear, very carefully and gradually while taking in every inch with his eyes, watching intently.

“You're so- so breathtakingly beautiful,” he muttered suddenly, stroking over Hoseok’s abdomen downwards, along his thighs and finally over his inner thigh, stopping right before where he wanted him the most.  
  
His head was a good place for his hands. It really was.  
  
“So are you, I can’t help but imagine you naked, I’m sorry.” He apologized although he didn’t feel sorry.

Hyungwon smiled but it looked a little sad.

“Imagining is probably better,” he commented and closed his impossibly long fingers around Hoseok’s erection, stroking along it slowly, thumb rubbing over the tip. Hoseok had suffered for long enough to not need much to make the head slick from a little rubbing alone. The slim thighs shifted again, slipping backwards as Hyungwon licked his lips and watched his hands move, absolutely fascinated.  
  
“I’m going to undress you and I’m going to tease you until you beg,” Hoseok whispered and almost got a heart attack because he realized that he had said it out loud.  
  
_Why didn’t you sleep, you idiot?_

Hyungwon's eyes widened but he didn't stop the motions of his hand, speeding up a little instead and chewing on those glorious lips of his.

“I want to make you feel good, but I'm no good at this,” the black-haired man whispered eventually and took a nipple into his mouth again, sucking harshly as he flicked his wrist, curling four fingers over the head before continuing with the whole length. Again he was exploring, his own body visibly reacting despite the loose clothing.

Hoseok moaned and freed his hands, the talking was too much. He slid his right hand into Hyungwon's hair and pulled a little, letting out another moan at how the combined sensations felt like. His other hand slid up Hyungwon's thigh, feeling how lean it was.

The other man gasped, freezing briefly and pausing the way he stroked over Hoseok’s erection before resuming it again, breaths almost resembling gasps.

“You're so fucking gorgeous when you're naked, fuck- and the way you react-" Hyungwon seemed overwhelmed, moving with the pull of Hoseok’s hand in his hair and nibbling on a nipple before biting down carefully, hand speeding up at the same time.

“I can't help reacting when you're being like this, fuck,” Hoseok groaned, inhibitions slipping away like thin threads, as his hand tightened in Hyungwon's hair and he pulled the other man up, catching his thick lips with his teeth and kissing him roughly.

Hyungwon moaned into his mouth, accompanied by slim thighs that tightened around his naked hips. The kiss broke his rhythm, long fingers slowing on his erection.

Hoseok really wanted to see him naked.

“You make me go crazy, Hyungwon, fuck my life.” His other hand travelled up the other man's thigh and cupped his obvious erection, despite the Ted Talk about non-existent libido and a blowjob.

“Shit- I need composure, Hoseok,” Hyungwon moaned and completely stopped the rhythm of his hand, thighs squeezing Hoseok’s body like there was no tomorrow and pretty face easily following the pulls of Hoseok’s hand in his hair.

“No, you don't,” Hoseok groaned and pulled the thin body completely on top of himself, such that Hyungwon was fully seated over his erection. “Just move your hips,” he ordered and rolled them with both of his hands as an example.

Hyungwon gasped, eyes opened wide and face completely covered by pink blush. Carefully lifting his hips a tiny bit and rolling them, the beautiful man bit down on his lower lip. It looked fucking hot.

“Fuck, just like that.” Hoseok couldn't refrain from thrusting up and meeting Hyungwon's movements, it had been way too automatic to stop.

It broke the other man's rhythm briefly but he immediately resumed it, holding onto Hoseok’s chest to have a grip and rolling his slim body on top of him. It was impossible not to imagine what he would look like naked, actually sitting on top of him, taking him whole with that expression on his face, lips parted.

Hoseok hated his imagination.

He moaned, moving along with the gorgeous body on top of him, coil tightening further and begging for release.

“You're driving me nuts, I'm close.”

Hyungwon appeared surprised, licking over his lips again and pushing down a little more, changing the motion like he knew what Hoseok must have been imagining.

“Oh my god-" he whispered and rolled his hips over Hoseok’s erection, along the length and back, scratching over his chest a little and gasping at the sensation himself. “I want to see you drown in pleasure.”

“Then watch,” he hissed and grabbed Hyungwon's hips with both hands and rolled them down against his erection, thrusting up to increase friction. The way Hyungwon looked while he did that had been enough to send him over the edge while he pushed the other man down on himself. A groan of Hyungwon's name had been enough for the other to know.

“Fuck.”

The slim man was breathing heavily, still holding onto his chest and staring at him with wide eyes.

“Oh no no no no, I'm not supposed to want you- fuck,” he cursed and groaned, curling and uncurling his hands on Hoseok’s chest. “I don't even know if my body works the way it's supposed to- oh my fucking god.”

“What do you mean? Why aren't you supposed to want me?” Hoseok lifted his upper body and pulled Hyungwon flush against his chest. “Tell me.”

“It's just-” Hyungwon tensed and chewed on his cheek for a while before replying. “I don't think it makes sense, it's probably my head again.”

“Tell me, Hyungwon.” He needed to know everything.

_To be able to do something about it._

“I just- I feel like I'll disappoint you, I want too much but fulfil no expectations at all. I don't even know if I'll really like it, my body is really weird sometimes. Sometimes- I- I don't even react to porn, I just don't react at all, so-" Hyungwon fumbled with his fingers and took slower and deeper breaths, probably to calm himself again. “What if I'll just ruin this for you?”

“Nope, won't happen. If you won't react then we'll try something different at a different point, it doesn't have to be perfect, Hyungwon. Nothing does.” He stroked over the beautiful, black hair and grabbed a package of tissues, trying to get rid of cum, but a lot of it stuck to Hyungwon's sweatpants.

“I don't want to disappoint you but you might need to change your pants.”

Hyungwon chuckled at that, still chewing on his cheek.

“I kinda guessed. I'll go to the bathroom, okay?” The beautiful man climbed off the bed carefully, making sure not to touch anything before he grabbed another pair of sweatpants, waiting for Hoseok to reply.

“Mhm,” he hummed and watched how the slim body disappeared behind the white door, still not comfortable enough to show himself to Hoseok, although he would've loved him either way.

 _Because you love him, whoever he is._  


***

 

Some days Hyungwon felt like the world was crashing down on him, stone after stone dropping on his thin body and legs and breaking whatever they hit, leaving absolutely nothing. Not even pain stayed, but just numbness that he could barely control.

Other days- he was okay, somehow.

He had cleaned up some of the fast food boxes in his apartment and he had stopped avoiding the envelope with money that Kyungwon had brought. He didn't deserve any of it but he had to eat and when he didn't he disappointed his family more than when he wasted their resources. It was his attempt at finding the one choice that was somewhat bearable.

He missed Hoseok, but he wasn't really in the position to complain, being the one who rarely replied to text messages and never actually left the house. Whenever he had seen the beautiful man it had been because Hoseok visited, coming all by himself and spending time with him, even bringing notes to help him study. It made the difference between them even greater, showing how little value Hyungwon possessed as a human.

_Maybe you should do something about that then._

It was always easier said than done with him, preparation to leave the house already like a burden he was barely able to carry. Once he had dressed in loose jeans and a gigantic sweatshirt Hyungwon stared at the door for at least a couple of minutes before he got himself to walk through it. Going to university was easier, he had to do it so he did it, studying and writing exams to not be an absolute failure. He hadn't danced for what felt like months.

_Maybe that's why you felt so useless all those weeks._

Walking along the streets of Amsterdam he kept examining the sidewalk, staring at it and thinking about what he could do. His presence alone wasn't enough so he had to do something.

Half an hour later he was standing in front of the pharmacy like an idiot, coffee with milk in one hand and several waffles and cookies in the other. He didn't know what Hoseok liked, so he had just bought one of each, making sure to do it right this time.

_Now if you could actually open that fucking door._

Hyungwon had managed it only twice, failing all other times because he was too damn nervous to see the beautiful man.

_But you also weren't his boyfriend back then._

Still the other could have been working, busy and not in the mood to see him at all. At least Hyungwon could be sure that Hoseok was there. It was the right time.

_Work on yourself._

Swallowing deeply he pressed down on the door handle and walked in.

Hoseok was standing behind the counter and talking to an elderly woman.

“You have a boyfriend? Are you sure it's not a phase, Hoseok? I have a really pretty granddaughter, she is nineteen, you would fit so well together.” The older woman turned around after the bell announced Hyungwon's presence.

_Oh no._

The blonde man looked past the grandma and smiled brightly.

“Thank you, Susan, but I'm gay. Very gay. Hey, Hyungwon,” he exclaimed as if he had been waiting for Hyungwon to come by.

He tried really hard to not just turn around and walk right back out, remembering that homosexuality was just another thing to be judged for.

_What if he says you're his boyfriend and she'll be disappointed because of the way you look?_

“H-Hi,” he mumbled out, barely audible and remained standing at the door, one hand on the handle and the other balancing the coffee and all the baked goods.

_Now you just need to drop everything, like always._

“Look it's him, isn’t he gorgeous?” Hoseok pulled his cheeks together creating a pout. The elderly woman scanned him and smiled.

Hyungwon felt his face heat up, absolutely terrified of what the woman might say.

“Such a handsome young man, and he even brought you desert!” the woman called Susan exclaimed and took a couple of packages out of his hands.

_Maybe her vision isn't that good anymore._

Hyungwon pressed out something that hopefully sounded like ‘thank you’ and closed the door behind himself, almost squishing the coffee with how tightly he was holding it.

He walked a few steps towards Hoseok, unsure what to do with himself and the fact that he actually managed to go to the pharmacy and was able to see the beautiful smile he had fallen in love with, like an idiot.

“I'm so happy that you came, I missed you so much.“ Hoseok didn't seem to care much about the presence of others, calmly saying whatever.

“I- I missed you too,” Hyungwon whispered back, glancing towards Susan with the hope that she didn't hear. “I- I brought you coffee, with milk.”

He sounded so fucking dumb, like an idiot that couldn't speak proper Dutch.

“Oh god, I haven’t had one since yesterday and I feel like dying, thank you so much. Wait a second I'll mix the meds for Susan and be right back.” Hoseok smiled beautifully and retreated to the back, leaving him with the elderly woman who was staring at him.

It was ridiculous but Hyungwon couldn't help feeling terrified, unsure of what exactly the elderly woman was staring at. He had made sure to wear a sweatshirt that didn't allow any of his scars to show, covering as much as possible, so it couldn't be that.

_Maybe she's wondering how he could have wanted to date someone like you, only acting nice while Hoseok is there._

He stared at the ground, hoping that it also hid most of his face, playing with the paper bag filled with brownies and cereal cookies. He had placed the coffee on the counter, mentally begging for Hoseok to return.

“What's your name, darling?” Susan asked and pointed at a chair next to the one she was sitting on.

It seemed rude to say no so he walked over and sat down on the wooden chair, staring at his strangely formed knees.

“H-Hyungwon, ma’am,” he replied carefully, unable to keep himself from stuttering.

“You are an adorable young man, I can see why Hoseok likes you. I really hope you like him too, he's an angel-like boy.” The woman smiled and peeled something out of her bag.

“Y-yeah, he's really lovely.” Hyungwon wasn't quite sure what else to say, but talking about how amazing Hoseok was seemed safe. “His smile is ethereal.” He looked up a little to not appear rude and watched how the wrinkly hands fumbled in the bag, a golden wedding ring on her ring finger. The woman's hands appeared friendly somehow.

“He always helps others, even if they're hesitant or too shy to ask for it. There are not a lot of people like that.” Susan finally pulled out a food container and opened it slowly before she held it in front of his face. “Here, it's home-made stroopwafles. You should eat one and gain some meat.” A smile spread the wrinkly cheeks. The fact that she liked Hoseok so much made her very likable, something they had in common.

_You should eat one and gain some meat, Hyungwon. She probably saw how bony you are._

He smiled back and peeled a waffle from the container, watching how the caramel filling connected it with another one and spread a thin thread. It looked like it would make him fat and give him diabetes at the same time but he still placed it between his lips and took a bite, feeling the mixture of dough and caramel melt on his tongue.

It tasted like heaven.

He regretted it a tiny bit but took another bite as soon as he had swallowed the first, enjoying the sweet filling on his tongue. It was so much better than the bought ones although he couldn't really remember when he had last eaten one.

“It's really really good. I've never actually eaten homemade ones,” he commented when half of the waffle had disappeared in his mouth.

“Your mom should make some for you, she must be a less heartless woman than Hoseok's mother.” The woman's face looked very judgemental at the mention of the blonde man's mother.

_Is she so bad? You know absolutely nothing, Hyungwon._

Discomfort spread in his chest at the thought, realizing that he hadn't even once asked Hoseok about his family, whether he also had siblings and why he constantly took care of things that weren't for himself. It seemed so stupid now, like he didn't really care about the blonde man.

_His mom isn't the heartless one, you are._

“M- my mom doesn't really cook herself,” he answered quickly and watched the way his hands shivered a little, head recollecting all the times he should have shown interest in Hoseok’s person but didn't.

_Bringing coffee and cookies isn't good enough, Hyungwon._

“Well, cooking is just one of the ways to show interest in a person, to give something and to show appreciation. There are so many other ways too. People might not say it out loud, but they still want to be appreciated and loved, don't you think?” Susan grabbed his hand and rubbed over it in circles.

Hyungwon just hoped that she couldn't tell how strange the texture of his skin was.

“Y-yeah, I guess,” he whispered quietly and thought about the way Hoseok always gave him things and said that it was okay to not get anything in return, to not be able to touch him and to not see him without his clothes, to not sleep just to see him. “We all want some love, but sometimes it's a little hard to earn it.”

“Nobody has to earn appreciation. We all deserve it the same way. You're a good human, you exist, you did well. Something like that? I think Hoseok will make you very happy.” She smiled and it looked so warm.

_Everyone keeps telling you that but it just doesn't get through the wall, does it?_

Something about Susan made him want to hug her, but he didn't because she didn't even really know him.

“T-thank you for saying that, ma’am,” he murmured and kept staring at his hand in hers, a little overwhelmed by the way the older woman treated him. “I just hope he'll be happy. I think that's more important.”

“It's not more important, Hyungwon. It's equally important. You're a very handsome man. Hoseok should be happy.” Susan squeezed his hand tightly and pinched his cheek.

“Susan, don't flirt with him, he's mine,” Hoseok's low voice sounded from behind the counter.

Hyungwon almost snapped his neck with the way he turned around, accidentally ripping his hand from Susan's and dropping the paper bag with cookies in the meantime. Apologizing profoundly he picked it back up and wished for the ground to swallow him whole.

_But he called you his._

A smile spread his lips before he remembered it made him look like a frog and he pulled his lips together instead.

“I think Hyungwon really likes you, look how nervous you make him.” Susan chuckled and stood up, stepping closer to the counter. She must've had a problem with walking, it looked painful.

Hyungwon jumped up, moving to her side and holding out his arm. He wasn't very stable but it was probably better than nothing.

“Would you like to hold on, ma’am?” he asked and tried not to blush at the fact that his infatuation with Hoseok was obvious.

“Too bad I only have a daughter, I would've loved to have sons like you both. You fit well together.” Susan payed for her medication and he saw how Hoseok put a sticky note inside the package.

_Does he give the notes to everybody?_

Hyungwon felt a little stupid for the short instant in which he had genuinely considered whether the note had meaning, showing possible interest.

“But didn't we agree that I'm your son, did you adopt Hyungwon too? I don't want to be his brother though.” Hoseok grinned and took the older woman's hand with both of his pale ones and smiled brightly.

Hyungwon just stayed in place, awkward with how familiar Hoseok was with the older woman. The comment about brothers reminded him of how much Kyungwon enjoyed to be close in public for effect, gaining the interest of possible partners for the night. Hyungwon had never really enjoyed it much, way too self-conscious even if he was dressed.

He stared at the coffee cup and hoped it wasn't completely cold yet but the temperature Hoseok enjoyed.

Susan pinched Hoseok's cheek and squeezed Hyungwon's shoulder, smiling brightly, before she left, slow steps bringing the tiny woman towards the exit.

“I'm so happy that you came. How are you?” Hoseok walked around the counter and grabbed his face with both palms, pressing a soft kiss against his lips.

_You've done well, he's really happy, Hyungwon._

He smiled, genuinely glad that he was able to put a smile on the beautiful man's face. It was absolutely angelic. He curled his hands into the other man's work attire and tried to keep a little bit of distance. They were in public after all and Hyungwon really hated the feeling of eyes on him.

“I was a little terrified of not getting what you like so I just bought one of each. I hope you like at least one of them,” he murmured and gestured towards the mass of paper bags. “Your coffee might have gotten cold though- fuck.”

_Your fault for needing ages to come in._

“You brought something that I like the most, namely yourself!” Hoseok let him go and grabbed the coffee and one of the cookies, biting off a huge piece and chewing like a bunny.

Hyungwon couldn't help but laugh at the sight, almost bending in half and pointing at Hoseok’s face to explain himself but failing with how he almost fell over with laughter. It was a little hysteric even.

“Remember how I told you that I'd undress you and tease you until you beg? Yeah, that.” Hoseok grinned and swallowed the piece before taking a big gulp of the cold coffee.

Hyungwon stopped laughing instantly, eyes widening and glancing around to make sure that no one heard that.

“Don't scream that out loud,” he whispered and panicked a little, not sure whether it was a joke or not at this point. He really didn't want Hoseok to undress him, he couldn't compare to the beauty of the other man's body, not in the slightest.

_You can't even bring coffee on time. Or show interest in the person you love._

“H- Hoseok? What is your family like?” he asked and grabbed the seam of his shirt, hoping that the other man would even want to answer the question.

Something changed on Hoseok's face, teasing smile disappearing as the other man's straight teeth settled down on his lower lip.

“What- I mean what exactly do you want to know? There are my parents and my younger brother, Changkyun. You'll probably meet him too, he just started studying.”

_He has a younger brother and you didn't even know._

“I- I just didn't know anything and- I would like to know, unless you don't want to share of course.” Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and stepped closer, feeling bad for changing the blonde man's facial expression like that. “W-what are your parents like?”

Hoseok stuffed the cookie into his mouth and chewed for what felt like at least two minutes, as if the beautiful man didn't really want to talk about the topic.

“I guess they're just parents, I'm just not really good at satisfying their expectations, which is why it's sometimes a little difficult I guess, but nothing much.” Hoseok grabbed the next package and ripped it open, stuffing the waffle into his mouth.

_It makes him uncomfortable, but it doesn't seem to be his fault._

“But you always do so much, don't you? It sounds more like the expectations aren't right,” he murmured and reached out to place a blonde strand behind Hoseok’s ear. Something about the other man's expression made Hyungwon want to touch him, be close somehow.

Biting down on his lower lip he curled his arms around the other’s waist and pressed himself closer, hoping it was okay despite his rather uncomfortable and unpleasant frame.

Hoseok shook his head, keeping his eyes closed for a couple of seconds before he swallowed the dessert.

“Interaction always involves at least two parties. They have expectations and I can't fulfil them. So we're both at fault I guess. I mean I'm not really smart and not really talented or anything, I can't get over heavy emotional stuff well without leaving responsibilities behind, but that's just how it is. It might be disappointing for others. But I'm okay, I don't hate myself or anything, I'm fine.” Hoseok looked up to the ceiling, the topic must've done something because there was nothing left of the other man's usual carefree attitude.

_He's not fine. He has no idea._

Hoseok was perfect and Hyungwon's fingers tingled just from the wish to curl his arms tighter and be even closer than he already was. Instead he shook his head slowly, licking over his dry lips.

“You wrote me notes about something that I struggled with for two months, which you did in a few hours. I don't think you can call yourself ‘not really smart’.”

_You are, unable to comprehend or do the most basic of things. What makes you think that you even deserve someone like him, Hyungwon? Just look at yourself._

“I wrote you notes about something I've done before. It's always easier if you do something for a second time. I really hope that it helped you at least a little bit.” The beautiful man smiled and lifted his right hand to stroke over his black hair affectionately. “You always manage to make me happy, it's so nice.”

_You make him happy._

“It- It helped a lot, Hoseok. I got an acceptable grade,” Hyungwon replied and placed his head on Hoseok’s shoulder, hoping it was okay. “Eat m-more if you like. It's all for you.”

_You're probably keeping him from work._

“I'll eat all of it and then I'll eat you. You're delicious, I miss you. Sorry for not having time during the past week.” The other man kissed the top of his head.

“It's okay, I'm not that important.” Hyungwon smiled and mustered up enough bravery to press a kiss to Hoseok’s lips, they tasted wonderful and just like he remembered. “I won't keep you from work any longer, I'm sorry.”

“You're the most important and you made me the happiest today. I'll write you after the shift.” Hoseok kissed back and stroked over his hair once again.

“T-thank you, you also make me happy although I deserve none of it, ” Hyungwon replied before turning around and leaving the pharmacy, heart beating fast.

_Now you just need to reply when he does._

_

 

His coffee cup was nice and warm, heating up his cold fingers that were curled tightly around it. It wasn't the instant one he always drank, a courtesy from Kyungwon who had pretended that it was, making the proper one for both of them instead.

Hyungwon tried to stay as cheap as possible when it came to himself but Kyungwon knew exactly that he hated being wasteful.

“Just admit that it's delicious,” his brother commented with a grin, sitting spread-legged on a chair in his kitchen and examining him carefully.

“You know that it is, I'm just also fine with the other one,” Hyungwon whispered and took another sip, letting the taste of coffee fill his mouth.

It was quiet as Kyungwon rolled his eyes and drank from his own cup. Pulling his chair closer his brother leaned over the table and tilted his head, thereby enabling himself to stare at Hyungwon. Hiding his face had never really worked with him, not in kindergarten and not now.

“Have you fucked yet?” the familiar plump lips pronounced suddenly, spreading in a smirk.

_Oh god._

Hyungwon inhaled sharply, unfortunately catapulting the coffee into the wrong tube and coughed repeatedly, trying to get it back out. Kyungwon stood up quickly and hit his back, trying to help.

“You can't lose your virginity by choking whenever someone says ‘fuck’ or ‘dick’, Hyungwon. You're friends with Minhyuk, how can you be so innocent?” Kyungwon laughed and hit his back again, for the hell of it this time.

_But you aren't innocent._

He wasn't, not really at least. He had seen enough and he knew enough. Just didn't do it yet. Talking about it had also never really been a problem, but sudden questions about something he wanted but knew he didn't deserve brought Hyungwon out of concept.

“No,” he replied and drank from his coffee again, making sure it was the right tube this time.

“Hoseok seemed pretty wild though. Did you grab his hand, removing it from your thigh going ‘oh no, Sir, I'm not ready yet’?” Kyungwon cracked up, changing his voice to sound higher and almost lay down on the table, black hair sprawled out on top of it.

Hyungwon really wanted to hit him at this point, but he would have lost. He always did.

“Hell no, what the actual fuck? We were close but you know that I hate undressing.” He scratched over his right underarm, trying to defeat the building up itch and chewed on his lower lip.

“I know, but he seemed to like you independently. Enough to tell me to go fuck myself which is pretty impressive. Asshole.”

_Sounds like Hoseok._

Hyungwon smiled at the thought, remembering how Hoseok told him that he wanted to spend time with him at the club, coming to his place and even allowing Hyungwon to touch him.

His face heated up and he quickly hid it, staring at his sweatpants-clad lap.

“Oh, look at that,” Kyungwon exclaimed excitedly and walked around the table at high speed. Hyungwon didn't even know how he managed to stop laughing and get off the table already. Grabbing his shoulders his brother sank down in front of him and lifted his head by taking it with his right hand. “You blushing either means that you thought of him while jerking off or that you got close. Or both.”

Hyungwon swallowed, closing his eyes and suddenly wishing to be alone.

“Both then.”

He bit down on his lower lip, shaking his head and hoping it was believable as he opened his eyes and stared at Kyungwon’s impossibly pretty face. He was fucking gorgeous and the better version of himself, on every level.

“Come on, Hyungwon. It's not that bad, I also jerked off thinking about him. He's hot and has an ass that every rational human being on the planet would probably want to plow.” His brother laughed and slapped his thigh. “I'd be more worried if you didn't. He likes you, he’s happy. He even waited for you to wake up while reading your study books, a hopeless romantic. One with a nice ass.”

_Oh holy mother of god._

Hyungwon tried not to imagine his brother jerking off to thoughts of Hoseok in addition to what he probably meant by wanting to ‘plow’ the blonde’s ass. There were a lot of things he would have loved to do with Hoseok but that was definitely not on his list. He'd probably just faint or something equally ridiculous.

_He jerked off thinking of your boyfriend. Oh god._

“Ehm-" Hyungwon began but stopped again, really not sure about what to say. Hoseok did have an amazing body though.

_Just don't think about it too much._

“Fine, or get plowed in your case. He's probably thick too, the confidence gotta come from somewhere.”

_He is._

“C-can we- can we please not talk about my boyfriend's dick? It's weird.”

Kyungwon’s eyebrows rose as he stood up and ruffled Hyungwon's hair, returning to his cup of coffee.

“Can't believe that my brother has a boyfriend now. That's amazing, Hyungwon! Just think about it- there must be so much about you that he loves, if he loves you this much. It's amazing. I'm happy.” His brother's smile was bright and genuine, visibly attempting to point out all the positive aspects, lifting his confidence like he had tried back then, when Hyungwon was at the clinic.

_He's right though. There has to be something to you if a person as wonderful as Hoseok likes you._

“Yeah, he's really amazing,” Hyungwon replied with a smile but Kyungwon’s expression changed a little, lips pursed. He must have preferred a different answer, something Hyungwon hadn't thought of.

“You're beautiful, Hyungwon. I'm sure he thinks the same,” his brother said suddenly, turning his cup on the table for no reason while holding onto the handle. It was sweet, especially coming from someone who always tried to seem as nonchalant and ignorant as Kyungwon.

A smile passed over Hyungwon’s face as he nodded, knowing that it would calm the other down, at least a little.

_He might, until he sees it all._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 11th of August at 2 AM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

“Look, you need to go on their homepage and you can put your name and address there and then you put your card number in and they send you the papers and then you have internet,” Hoseok explained, going through all the steps one by one. “Screw it, Changkyun, I’ll do it. Give me your card number I can’t do anything without it.”   
  
“Thank you, oh and you know the address, I mean- you got the apartment.” His brother chuckled and he laughed back although he felt like crying. There was so much to do that it ripped the ground out from under his feet. It had been a little easier before because Changkyun asked a lot of things from his parents and they sometimes couldn’t reach Hoseok or considered it a bother, but as soon as his little brother moved to the same city it became more frequent, requesting a lot more things from him and intertwining with his life. It was not that he didn’t want it, he loved his brother, a lot.   
  
_ You’d simply prefer a casual, close relationship instead of being the dude who just does things in more detail than google. _ _  
_ _  
_ His phone rang. His mother. He felt really happy because there shouldn’t have been anything that she might have wanted.   
  
“Honey, Kkung called me because he still doesn’t have internet and we wanted to skype but now it’s not possible, don’t you think that you should help him? You’re brothers and in the same city after all. And it’s much easier for you, you’ve done it often enough.” 

Hoseok wanted to choke.   
  
“I will, sorry mom, I’m working, I’ll call you later,” he lied, curling his fingers into a fist.   
  
“Don’t bother, just make sure he has internet.”    
  
_ Fuck this. _ _  
_ _  
_ It wasn’t often, but he really wanted to cry. It was beyond frustrating. Pulling out his phone he wrote a WhatsApp message to Hyungwon who read them all but almost never answered.   
  
‘How are you? What are you up to?’

There had been no point in telling the other that he felt like choking on responsibilities and wanted to curl into his blanket to sleep ten years such that everyone around him had time to grow the fuck up.   
  
_ And such that you wouldn’t have to say no. Because you fucking suck at that. _ _  
_ _  
_ But who was he to say no if a person had already asked him for help? He wasn’t an asshole and it must’ve cost effort to ask someone in the first place.   
  
_ Excuses. _ _  
_ _  
_ He stood up and let himself fall onto his bed, holding his phone in his right hand in the silent hope that Hyungwon would answer.

It took a while, a few minutes maybe until his phone vibrated with a received message.

‘Lying in bed and looking at thigh pics,’ the other man had replied. Hoseok couldn’t help grinning at the image. Hyungwon was adorable.    
  
He sat up and looked down on himself. He was wearing shorts because the day had been ridiculously hot for anything else. He made a v-sign with his left hand next to his muscular thigh and took a pic, sending it to Hyungwon right after.

The little check mark turned green and he could see that Hyungwon was writing, but nothing appeared. A minute or more must have passed when the words ‘oh my god’ finally appeared on his screen, followed by ‘are these even shorts? Fuck’.   
  
Hoseok couldn’t help a chuckle at the answer.   
  
‘I’m alone at home till six, want to come over and sit on my thighs?’ Hoseok wrote and prepared for getting no answer unless he went out, walked for five minutes and rang at the familiar door.

Again nothing happened for a while despite the sign that Hyungwon had read his message. Once the other man began typing it was a little faster.

‘I think I might actually be fine with coming over today. I just don't want you to think it's because you offered to let me sit on your thighs.’ It was funny how Hoseok could imagine the beautiful man stuttering while he said the words, but obviously there were no breaks when he messaged. ‘And I don't want to embarrass you in front of your flatmate’ followed after a few seconds.   
  
It was ridiculous, because Kihyun was the embarrassing one.   
  
‘Please come. What are you planning to do to embarrass me? I’m a little scared, but he’s not here and I really want you to come. I’ll be waiting.’ He sent the message off and wrote another one with his address and a detailed description of how to get there with a google maps pin and orientation points. Habits were scary.

‘I was just going to look the way I always do. That's more than enough,’ Hyungwon wrote before thanking him for the explanation.   
  
He wanted to punch him. With a kiss. On his lips. Because his anger dissipated as soon as he genuinely thought about hurting Hyungwon. It wasn’t possible.   
  
_ How hooked are you, Hoseok? _   
  
Very much hooked.   
  
He jumped from his bed and looked in the mirror. His shorts were short, but that had also been the reason for calling them this. What was the point in shorts if they weren't short? Seriously though? His white shirt wasn’t particularly tight but also not oversized like Hyungwon’s clothes. His bangs were still wet from the shower but at least he was clean and smelled well and looked halfway acceptable.   
  
_ Besides dying on the inside because of all the stress. _ _  
_ _  
_ Good thing people weren’t able to see inside his head.

It took longer than he would have expected for the doorbell to ring. Hyungwon had probably been standing in front of the bell for a while before actually pressing it. It just seemed like something that the black-haired man would do. Hoseok ran to the door, excited that Hyungwon had decided to come over for real.   
  
_ Yes, but did you put away the toys, condoms, lube and all that buzz? _ _  
_ _  
_ Too bad that the thought appeared when he ripped the door open and looked into Hyungwon’s ridiculously handsome face.

“H-hi,” Hyungwon exclaimed, visibly not expecting him to just rip the door open like that. “I brought fruit.” The thin arms were carrying several full plastic bags. The lube-related thoughts had to wait as he immediately took the heavy bags and walked into the apartment.   
  
“Come in,” he shouted behind himself while he placed the groceries on the counter and unpacked the bags hastily.

Hyungwon looked around, eyes wide and followed him slowly, visibly unsure of what to do with himself.

“Can- can I help you somehow?” he asked and stopped next to the counter where Hoseok was emptying the bags. “The honey melon is heavy. For me.”   
  
Hoseok grinned and took it into one hand throwing it up and catching it with the other.   
  
“It’s fine,” he commented and looked at Hyungwon’s attire, the tall man was wearing light blue jeans, hugging his legs a little but not too much, in addition to a very loose sweatshirt. Black bangs were covering his forehead, making his eyes seem even bigger on the small face, lips full.   
  
“You look stunning,” he whispered and licked his lips before turning back to the fruit, putting it into a big bowl. After he was finished, he turned around and leaned against the counter, brushing his slightly wet bangs back.   
  
“I can’t believe you really came here.”

“Me neither,” Hyungwon murmured and glanced at his own hands, pulling at the skin around his nails. “Usually I need several weeks to get myself to do it, but I'm doing okay somehow, it's nice I guess.”   
  
“Did you eat? Are you hungry? Coffee? Uhm…” Hoseok looked around and spotted the row of bottles on the top shelf. “Gin?” He chuckled and grabbed Hyungwon’s hand, placing a kiss on his wrist. _  
  
_

“W-woah- I'm fine, I ate. I also don't drink, but thank you.” A small smile pulled at the corners of Hyungwon's mouth and he stepped a little closer, looking Hoseok up and down while his cheeks gained a little bit of colour.   
  
“How did you like the picture I sent you?” He grinned and pushed himself back from the counter and moved towards his room with Hyungwon waddling after him.

“I-" The other man swallowed, staring at his shorts before glancing to the side. “A lot.”   
  
“Good, I’ll send you more so you have a picture of what you’re missing out on,” he commented with a smile and opened the door. Thankfully he had always been more or less tidy so his room looked acceptable. No clothes or books or pizza boxes, just a couple of documents on his desk because he had shit loads to do and a lot of different books on the shelves.   
  
_ And the other shelf, Hoseok. You dumbfuck. _

Hyungwon had followed him, entering the room and glancing around calmly, probably still a little embarrassed until he suddenly froze. The large brown eyes were staring at the shelf that was the closest to the bed, wide as saucepans and face gaining more colour with each passing second.

“Oh my god,” the beautiful man whispered.   
  
_ Amazing. Fucking amazing, Hoseok, what now? _ _  
_ _  
_ “This is,” he started, but there was no way that he could bullshit Hyungwon, the other man looked as if he knew exactly what all of it was. “Exactly what you think it is. But…”   
  
_ But what? It’s not yours? _

“I- I know it's for the butt, Hoseok,” Hyungwon murmured, sucking his lower lip into his mouth and looking so fucking embarrassed, fumbling with his fingers. _  
_

He stared at the other man for a couple of seconds before grabbing his nose bridge with his thumb and index finger, eyes closing and loud laugh forcing itself out until he wasn’t able to contain it anymore. He needed at least half a minute to get his shit together before he looked up at Hyungwon again. The beautiful man seemed absolutely terrified, slim chest rising and falling quickly.   
  
“Listen, I didn’t mean ass, I wanted to finish the sentence, but yes, it’s for the ass and I’m sorry I forgot to hide it from you.”

“You- you wanted to hide it from me?” Hyungwon asked and took another deep breath, curling his right hand around his left underarm. “B-because I can't give you what you need?”   
  
“No, you can give me what I need, namely yourself. I wanted to put it away because I thought that you might’ve been shocked or think that I want to use all this on you or something similarly nuts. It just stays there because it’s handy, it has no meaning.” Hoseok stepped closer and looked into Hyungwon’s big eyes.

“So you don't want to use it on me?” the black-haired man asked next, biting down on his plump lower lip and looking like a whole meal, but still visibly shaken.   
  
“Are you trying to make me snap? Because that’s exactly how you’ll make me snap.” Hoseok licked his lips and felt how blood rushed to his groin and anger spiked up at the same time. A very bad mixture. “Of course I want to, I want to do all of those things, but I won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with which is why I wanted to put it away so you don’t feel pressured.” _  
_

Hyungwon winced, nodding slowly. 

“I'm sorry- my brain just immediately told me that you don't think I'm attractive enough. Fuck-" Shutting his eyes for a few seconds the tall man moved forward and curled his arms around his neck, resting his head on Hoseok’s shoulder.   
  
“Attractive? I think about fucking you at least three times a day and I don’t even have time to think anything at this point. That’s how attractive you are to me. And it’s only you. I only think about you,” Hoseok murmured and pulled Hyungwon closer with both arms curled around the other man’s slim waist.

“I'm sorry for thinking like that,” Hyungwon whispered. “I- I can't stop thinking about touching you because you are so perfect. I don't even have the words to describe it.”   
  
_ Welcome back, second puberty. _ _  
_ _  
_ Hyungwon was really powerful when it came to making Hoseok’s libido spike up in a matter of seconds. He stepped further until Hyungwon’s back touched his wardrobe and pushed his body against the other man’s slim frame. Shit, he loved it so much.

The black-haired man gasped and lifted his head from Hoseok’s shoulder, staring at him while sucking his full lower lip into his mouth, cheeks red.   
  
“I missed you,” Hoseok whispered against Hyungwon’s parted mouth and let his hands slip under the giant sweatshirt the other man was wearing. His skin was so warm to the touch and Hoseok roamed over his chest before settling both hands on Hyungwon’s waist. “I love your body.”

The black-haired man had frozen solid, fear obvious but calming a little as soon as Hoseok had uttered his last words.

“But why?” Hyungwon whispered and stared down at the spot where his sweatshirt was lifted up, making space for Hoseok’s hands. “I'm covered in scars and I don't eat enough.”   
  
“Yes, but you’re still gorgeous and your body makes me feel things, a lot of things, so I really like it and I don’t mind the scars.” Hoseok let his hands move over Hyungwon’s lower back and his ribs. The other man was really thin, but it wasn’t unhealthy and he knew that Hyungwon hadn’t been showing anorexic behaviour. He was almost an expert.

The other smiled, but it wasn't the type of smile Hoseok enjoyed, rather it only foreshadowed something hateful the black-haired man thought about himself.

“But you haven’t even seen them yet,” Hyungwon muttered and let his hand run over Hoseok’s mostly exposed thigh, barely touching.   
  
“Well that’s unfair then.” Hoseok pulled his hands away and took off his shirt with a practiced movement. Using the moment where Hyungwon stared at his chest, he pulled the other man’s sweatshirt up, using his strength to get rid of it. He immediately pulled the other man flush against his chest and caught the plump lips in a rough kiss.

Hyungwon didn't respond, body freezing completely and not following the movements. The beautiful man didn't even open his eyes wide, he just stared.   
  
_ What the fuck do you need to do for him to get that you really like his body? _ _  
_ _  
_ He sighed and put a little distance between them, looking over the other man’s torso. There were a lot of small scars on his underarms and elbows, shoulders and probably back. It was absolutely irrelevant, he just saw golden skin. It was beautiful. Hyungwon’s body form was ridiculously attractive, his proportions and his long limbs.   
  
“Let me kiss you and then you can get dressed if you don’t like it,” he murmured and placed a soft kiss on Hyungwon’s shoulder, then one on his chest, against an erect nipple and along his abs. Remembering how much he wanted to kiss the other man’s navel, he dipped his tongue into it and kissed along the waistband of the other man’s jeans before working his way up, making sure to give attention to every piece of skin he could find until he reached Hyungwon’s plump lips.

The dark brown eyes were focused on him, appearing a little wet as the black-haired man parted his lips and returned the kiss, arms hesitantly returning around Hoseok’s shoulders.

“I'm so fucking scared- fuck,” he muttered into the kiss. “Please don't leave me because you hate me- please.”   
  
It was shocking, it really was, again Hoseok had no idea how his action could’ve resulted in a thought like that. Leaning back a little, Hoseok looked into the big, brown eyes once again.   
  
“I don’t hate you, Hyungwon. I love you, don’t you get that?” He bit down on his lip, not knowing what else to do, it seemed so hard. As if it still returned to some kind of status quo no matter how much he said or did.

“I- I love you too, so much,” Hyungwon whispered and pressed his face into his shoulder, whimpering suddenly. “I just don't feel like I deserve any of this. Why would you kiss me like that if I look like this? I just don't understand- fuck.”   
  
He stroked over the black hair that tickled his neck and curled an arm around Hyungwon’s naked waist, pulling him closer into his arms, feeling how their skin melted into each other.   
  
“It’s like me in the pharmacy on Wednesday. I told you that I’m not smart but you have an absolutely different opinion on that. I can tell you that I’m nothing special, but you think that I’m gorgeous and amazing. I also think that you’re gorgeous and amazing. You’re stunning, I just wished you would let me show you how much I love touching and kissing you and your body.”

“I'm a hypocrite,” the beautiful man whispered into his shoulder, lips touching his pale skin. It felt a little wet. A quiet sob left Hyungwon before he finally looked up, meeting Hoseok’s gaze with big eyes, lips a blood-red colour.

“Show me.”   
  
_ Show him. _ _  
_ _  
_ Hoseok lifted the slim body with ease and put it on top of his bed before he went to the door and turned the lock for eventualities and Kihyun’s non-existent manners.   
  
“Do you want me to be naked too?” he asked and slipped a finger into his shorts, pulling a little and revealing his prominent v-line covered in thick veins.

“T-too?” Hyungwon asked, eyes wide and following the motion, resting on his slim arms. Still, the black-haired man nodded, licking over his lips quickly and appearing a little spaced out.    
  
Hoseok stopped in front of the bed after positioning himself between Hyungwon’s spread legs.   
  
“Help me then,” he whispered and licked over his lips.

A gasp left the luscious, plump mouth as Hyungwon reached out with his right hand, fingertips touching Hoseok’s abdominal muscles carefully and sliding downwards, along his waistband. Swallowing, the other finally let them dip under the fabric, sharp exhale following right after.

“Your skin is ethereal,” Hyungwon whispered, pulling his shorts down with his underwear, painfully slowly and lifting them up to pass his erection easily. The action alone was arousing beyond belief.   
  
“Your body, it’s so fucking hot, makes me want to throw all my inhibitions out of the window.” Hoseok raked his right hand through Hyungwon’s black hair and thanked his dark curtains for not letting the maximum amount of sunlight in. Hyungwon might’ve never agreed otherwise.

The handsome man chewed on his lips and glanced to the side, pulling Hoseok’s shorts and briefs off completely before stroking along his thighs, touching but not looking.   
  
“Why? You don’t like it?” Hoseok asked, not believing that it had been the reason for looking away.

“N-no, too much,” Hyungwon replied and drew a deep breath as his fingers travelled over Hoseok’s inner thigh and brushed over the tip of his erection, making the beautiful man react more than he did himself.   
  
“Shit, I love it when you touch me, especially now that I can see your body, fuck.” He looked down and felt how his dick twitched at the thought of Hyungwon being completely naked. In front of the other man’s face.   
  
_ Amazing. _   
  
“Sorry, you’re just too hot, I keep reacting.” Damage control wasn’t something he was particularly good at.

“I- It's okay, I like it,” the other man replied as blush appeared on the uncovered chest, spreading out a little and making the golden colour of his skin even more beautiful. Hyungwon seemed so hesitant.   
  
Hoseok thought about the best course of action and pointed at his pillow.   
  
“Lie down.” His voice was way too low again.

There was even more hesitation as Hyungwon slowly moved backwards on the bed, watching him intently until he let himself fall on the pillow, arms resting at his sides. He was chewing on his lips again, visibly self-conscious with how he avoided looking at himself, staring up instead.   
  
“If you could look inside my head,” Hoseok started and crawled on top of the bed, settling on top of the long, slim body, placing Hyungwon’s thighs on each side of his hips. “You would probably be a little scared.” He grinned.

The dark eyes widened in response, teeth finally letting go of the plump lips as they parted.

“The only thing that scares me is you seeing me for what I am, Hoseok.”   
  
“Really? Well, we won’t have a problem then, because I’m so looking forward to that,” he exclaimed and leaned down to attach his lips to Hyungwon’s neck, nibbling and licking over the sensitive skin before he travelled further down and sucked on a nipple harshly, propping himself up with one hand pressed into the pillow right next to Hyungwon’s head.

“Shit-" the other man moaned and threw his head to the side, thighs pulling together around Hoseok’s body and hands curling up in the sheets.   
  
‘Shit’ was something he could work with, so he continued his path, nibbling on the other nipple softly while caressing the other man’s sides with his free hand. He loved the taste of Hyungwon’s skin. It seemed much thinner than his and also sensitive but differently. The scars didn’t really bother him, they were just there. Letting his tongue slide down the other man’s toned stomach he licked into his navel and travelled down his happy trail before he felt the waistband against his tongue.

“Your hands and tongue feel like silk,” Hyungwon murmured, looking up a little, abdominal muscles tensed. He seemed to examine Hoseok’s face in between the gasps that left his lips, still visibly concerned about his own body.   
  
“You’re fucking delicious,” Hoseok groaned in reply. He was not up for discussions, he was hard like an iron rod and there were pants in the way so he opened the button and the zipper, sliding the pants down Hyungwon’s long legs without hesitation, before crawling back up and attaching his mouth to the addicting body.

It was a little disconcerting how the black-haired man instantly curled up, like he tried to hide himself, circling his arms around Hoseok’s neck and pulling him towards himself, kissing his lips and sliding his long, slim legs up.   
  
_ Why? Seriously. _ _  
_ _  
_ He really couldn’t understand after his dick twitched at the sight of the other man’s long slim legs. Sure, Hyungwon had talked about his skin and scars so often that it caught his attention, but it didn’t matter, not at all, it was absolutely irrelevant concerning the way he felt about Hyungwon’s body.   
  
“Don’t hide from me, Hyungwon. You’re gorgeous. Shit, I want to kiss every inch of your skin, all of it.” He couldn’t contain himself, arms immediately roaming over the naked body, arms and legs, erection twitching against Hyungwon’s thigh.

Hyungwon hissed, squeezing his eyes shut like he was afraid to look for some reason, keeping his limbs as close together as possible.

“C-can you make it darker? I-" the slim man whispered, sounding so fucking desperate.   
  
_ Do it. _ _  
_ _  
_ “Yes.” Crawling up he pulled the curtain and left them in dimmed light, hoping that the other man would feel better like this. He went back and pulled Hyungwon’s body back into his embrace, sliding his thigh between the other man’s lean ones, loving the feeling and striving for more.

A quiet moan left the plump lips as they closed around a patch of skin on his shoulder, sucking at it intently. Long fingers found his sides and the blonde strands of his hair, pulling subconsciously.

“I- fuck- I want to make you feel good, Hoseok. You deserve it all,” Hyungwon breathed out, voice a wonderful low timbre.   
  
“How fortunate, because I want to make you feel good, because you deserve it and I deserve your low moans.” He smiled into the skin of Hyungwon’s neck and pulled the other man further, feeling how their erections brushed against each other.

A beautifully low groan left Hyungwon's lips as his hips pushed further into Hoseok and the handsome man threw his head back, mouth opened. Their body types were absolutely different and it was so fucking hot, slim thighs surrounding his own, skin dark compared to his. There were no words to explain how much he loved it to be finally close to the other man, to touch his naked skin and to be touched in return.   
  
“Shit, I love it so much,” he hissed and roamed over Hyungwon’s back, drew the curve of his pretty ass and slid down his thigh, sinking his fingers into the lean flesh and moaning at the sensation.

The other man gasped, lifting his leg a little in response, head raised to stare at him. There was barely any light but enough to make out the pretty face, eyes big and lips parted, releasing regular moans.   
  
“Thank you for trusting me with this,” he whispered and continued exploring the gorgeous body, stroking over Hyungwon’s thighs and back, squeezing his butt cheeks and trying to get even closer although they were already lying flush against each other.

“I love you,” Hyungwon breathed out and placed a kiss to his shoulder, hands stroking through his hair and over his shoulders, along the muscles of his back and finally cupping his face. “You are so beautiful, Hoseok.”   
  
“I love you too, you’re gorgeous, Hyungwon. Thank you for being with me, really.” He leaned in and kissed the other man’s thick lips. It felt so incredibly intimate somehow, hugging naked in the dimmed light and being so close, it was really beautiful.   
  
_ So different from what you’re normally up to in your bed. _   


The exhales that left Hyungwon's lips increased in frequency, eyes remaining wide open and focused on his face, not leaving it for even a second. The beautiful man seemed genuinely fascinated, fingers raking through his hair, pulling him towards his lips and closing the distance, moaning into his mouth.   
  
It would’ve been so innocent and pretty if he hadn’t been so incredibly aroused by Hyungwon’s body. He had to hold back from rolling his hips into the other man’s out of habit and the way Hyungwon’s pretty butt felt didn’t make it any better.   
  
“You make me want you so much, fuck my life,” Hoseok groaned and attached his lips to Hyungwon’s shoulder, biting into it right after.

“I want to touch you,” Hyungwon murmured, shifting next to him and thereby adding friction to his dick with his soft thighs. Removing one hand from his hair the black-haired man stroked over his chest, brushing over a nipple with his index finger before rolling it between index finger and thumb, watching intently. It seemed like Hyungwon reacted the most to his body, running his slender fingers over it and making him feel good.   
  
_ Fair enough. _   
  
Hoseok moaned at the action, rolling his hips against Hyungwon’s thigh. He raked a hand through the black hair and pulled a little, before nibbling on the connection between the other man’s neck and shoulder. 

A hiss followed instantly as Hyungwon threw his head back, eyes closing and hips moving forward automatically. The hand on his chest scratched over his pecs a little, sinking lower to his muscular abdomen.   
  
“Fuck.” Hoseok couldn’t help cursing at the intensity and continued kissing and biting into the skin of Hyungwon’s neck.

Suddenly the attractive man grabbed his hair, trying to pull him back, breathy moans leaving his lips.

“I- I want to make you moan, Hoseok, to be the- the reason for your pleasure,” Hyungwon gasped and tightened his thighs around Hoseok’s, pulling himself a little closer as his free hand returned to his nipple, squeezing it slightly.   
  
“You are the reason for my pleasure, I’m going nuts, seriously.” Hoseok wasn’t joking, his hands were already itching to just pull Hyungwon on top of his lap or turn him around spooning him or whatever else his normal, stupid course of action consisted of. Instead he grabbed the other man’s slim hips and rolled his lower body into him, longing for more friction and moaning at the little that he received from it.

“N-no,” Hyungwon moaned, closing his eyes and shaking his head a little, body visibly shivering from the sensation. “Y-you- not me.”   
  
“I need you for me, you dummy,” he hissed and repeated the motion, moaning loudly this time and stroking along Hyungwon’s long thighs that surrounded his body so prettily.

“Then let me please you," Hyungwon murmured and reached between their bodies, hand curling around his erection and squeezing the tip. “Let me take it into my mouth.”   
  
_ Are you hallucinating, Hoseok? You can’t put your dick into his mouth if he didn’t say it out loud just now. _ _  
_ _  
_ “You want what? Are you serious? Oh god, please.” He couldn’t help a twitch of his erection in the other man’s hand at the thought of Hyungwon’s thick lips around his dick. It had been a fantasy since they had met.

The other man nodded slowly, licking over his lips and glancing between their bodies. Hyungwon's slim chest was rising and falling quickly, eyes dark like the thought alone had an arousing effect on him, blush covering his whole body.   
  
Hoseok would’ve done 69 with him, but he really wanted to see the other man’s face between his legs, so he didn’t say anything and licked his lips, while suffering from the thoughts and the skinny fingers that were motionless around his dick.

“G-get comfortable?” Hyungwon asked, stutter returning as he slid his hand along the whole length before pausing again. “I've- I've never done it before so bare with me.”   
  
“I’ll make you suffer after this,” Hoseok hissed, again forgetting that he was supposed to have inhibitions and crawled up, resting his head against the pillow he stuffed between himself and the headboard.

Hyungwon sat up, his own erection straining against his thigh, body impossibly slim and everything Hoseok had ever dreamed off. Climbing closer, the beautiful man licked over his thick lips again and stared between Hoseok’s legs, appearing absolutely fascinated. Reaching out, long fingers closed around his dick, stroking it while the slender body leaned down and a pink tongue licked over his tip, sensation short lived.   
  
“Fuck,” he whispered and felt the twitch against Hyungwon’s fingers. He wanted more.

Looking up briefly, checking his facial expression, Hyungwon returned to his thick erection, leaning lower and licking a stripe from the shaft to the head, playing with the slit a little.

“Is- is it okay?” he whispered, hesitation and insecurity soaking the words.   
  
“It’s okay if you want me to snap,” Hoseok groaned, curling his hands into fists at his sides. Hyungwon was teasing him, but he didn’t know whether the other man realized.

“I- I just want you to feel good.” The brown eyes were wide and a little less dark than before, showing more awareness of the situation. “What do you w- want me to do, Hoseok?”   
  
“Take it into your mouth, close your lips around it, suck on it, anything, I’m going nuts.” His voice was extremely low and his right hand already raked through Hyungwon’s hair, pulling it a little.

The other man nodded, inhaling through his nose and biting down on his cheek before he parted his luscious lips and closed them around the head of his erection, sucking harshly, eyes focused on him.   
  
His legs spread almost automatically and a low moan left his lips at the feeling. Sure, he had received countless blowjobs before, but it was an incredible experience to finally see and feel Hyungwon’s pretty thick lips around him.

The black-haired man reacted to that more than to anything else Hoseok had done before, moaning himself before taking more of his erection. The vibrations sent pleasure through his whole body. Hyungwon's warm tongue licked over his tip as he sucked and slid down, stopping about halfway before moving back up. One slim hand closed around his hip bone, digging into his skin while the other held most of the non-existent weight.   
  
The combination of the sight between his legs, Hyungwon’s reaction and the multiple sensations around his dick let him react immediately. After an especially sensual moan he looked down into the big brown eyes.   
  
“Just- use one of your hands to stimulate the rest, like this.” He curled his fingers around the base. “Or I’ll do it, fuck your lips feel like heaven.”

Hyungwon just hummed, sucking further as he used his right hand to curl around what he couldn't fit into his mouth. Hoseok could see how the other man's beautifully straight erection twitched whenever he moaned at the ministrations, responding to his pleasure. 

As soon as Hoseok had reacted to the vibrations the black-haired man did it repeatedly, whimpering a little himself as he stimulated the tip and stroked over his whole length. The speed picked up, fitting to Hoseok’s reactions. Hyungwon's thick lips looked absolutely gorgeous around him, even more red and plump as they slipped up and down.   
  
“I’m close,” Hoseok groaned and felt how the coil tightened further. The sensory input was overwhelming, the plump lips around his dick, Hyungwon’s big eyes staring at him from under the black bangs, the curve of the other man’s ass and his long legs, low moans against his tip and his breathtaking attraction and affection towards Hyungwon poured fuel into the fire.

The mesmerizing black-haired man only moaned louder and sped up, his own erection visibly twitching again. The thick lips moved past the middle of his shaft and sucked at his tip until he felt himself hit the back of Hyungwon's throat, long fingers tightening in the skin of his hips.   
  
“Oh fuck,” Hoseok moaned, having no idea how Hyungwon was not choking at having his dick up his throat, but he also didn't have the resources, orgasm tingling at his fingertips, begging for release. As soon as the black-haired man moved up, Hoseok tightened his grip in the other man’s hair and pushed him back down with a loud moan of his name, releasing himself between Hyungwon’s thick lips.   


The beautiful man whimpered around him, remaining in place and exhaling harshly through his nose, much faster than he should have as his body tensed and he almost collapsed, scratching over Hoseok’s hips with his hands.   
  
He leaned forward and realized the situation.   
  
_ Did he just cum untouched from sucking you off? Holy fuck. _ _  
_ _  
_ Hoseok hadn’t seen anything like this before, sure, fingering, sex, vibrators, stuff like that could have made someone come untouched, but giving a blowjob? He was genuinely shaken.   
  
“Are you okay?” he asked, stroking over the silky black hair.

Hyungwon moved upwards slowly, letting go of his erection, a little bit of cum making it's way down his chin. Licking over his lips while still breathing quickly through his nose, the other man nodded slowly, staring at him intently. It was overwhelming somehow. Like he was the most beautiful being the black-haired man had ever laid eyes on. Something short-circuited as he leaned forward and grabbed the small face in his palms before clashing their lips together, tasting himself on the plump mouth.   
  
_ Trust.  _

_ You need to give him a lot of it. _ _  
  
_

_  
_ ***

 

Self-hate was dangerous. Hyungwon knew that better than anyone, adjusting decisions and possibilities just because of dislike towards his mind and hatred towards his body. Having the beautiful man undress him had been terrifying, the one thing he had been afraid of the most, to be seen for what he was, disgusting and not worth all the affection he had enjoyed.

_ Rationally you know that it's not true but that doesn't change anything. _

“I don't hate you, Hyungwon. I love you, don't you get that?”

The words felt like a punch to his chest, not enough to hurt but sufficient to take the air from his lungs, chest burning.

_ He loves you. _   


Hoseok didn't care about his imperfections, not even in the slightest, pressing kisses to what he hated about himself, caressing his scarred skin and telling him he was beautiful, gorgeous even, although the only person to whom that description applied was the blonde man himself. Hyungwon wanted to give him so much, everything there was and more.

But even when the curved lips touched his and muscular arms pushed their bodies together, his thoughts didn't disappear. They were still there, they always were, waiting for the right moment to materialise, to find a fault and make him miserable over it.

_ Your legs are the worst. _

Feeling the fabric leave his thighs and calves he panicked, aware of how it looked and how revolting it was, nothing that Hoseok should have to be confronted with. His chest hurt at the thought as he attached himself to the wonderful man and wished for him to keep his eyes closed and bodies pressed together, but it was impossible. The blonde wished to see all of him but Hyungwon's mind was in the way.

Only darkness was able to calm the panic, the fear of rejection and the utter disappointment in himself for looking the way he did. Darkness and the beauty that was Hoseok himself, pale skin stretching over the muscular body, veins prominent along his arms, legs and the gorgeous v-line. There was nothing that Hyungwon wanted more than to be close to the other man, to touch him and feel his skin under his fingertips and his lips, be the source of his pleasure and the mesmerizing sounds that could leave the curved mouth.

_ He loves you. _

The thought was sudden as it returned, stirring in the depths of his consciousness, words that were whispered to him, hotly and filled with affection. The emotions that Hyungwon felt towards the man in front of him, naked skin touching his own, were difficult to put into words, intensity filling out his chest and spreading through his body, overwhelming him.

_ He said he loves you. And you love him too. _

Not even once had Hyungwon been scared of the beautiful man hurting him or doing something he didn't want. It had never been Hoseok, but him. He was the source of negativity, of imperfections and of disgust.

_ But you can make him feel. _

He held onto the thought like his only salvation, wishing to please Hoseok instead of himself, asking to be the one to touch, the one to please and bring pleasure. Seeing the way Hoseok moaned just because of the way he had closed his lips around his erection, sent sparks through his body. Arousal collected in his groin and only built with each sound that left the curved mouth. It was absolutely mind blowing, taking every thought that occupied his head and turning it into dust, irrelevant to the pleasure of the other man and how beautiful he was below him, gasping with each vibration that Hyungwon's lips sent through him. 

_ He's feeling like this because of you. _

The sparks added up to the tingling that slipped along his legs, taking more and more of the thick erection, making his way down to make Hoseok feel better than he already did, to drown him in pleasure.

_ Because he deserves it all. _

Hyungwon struggled to keep his eyes open, sucking on the tip, speeding up as soon as the other man confessed to being close, erection twitching in his mouth. The way the muscular thighs contracted at the feeling sent pleasure through him, just like every groan and every gasp forced a moan from his throat, tight around Hoseok’s erection.

When the strong hand grabbed his hair and pushed him down he almost lost himself with the sudden explosion behind his eyelids, seeing the way Hoseok threw his head back with his name on his lips, echoing through the room. His body was on fire, blood rushing through him as the aftermath of pleasure took his strength. He was barely aware of swallowing, taste unfamiliar, before he nodded to show Hoseok that he was okay. 

The blonde man was utterly gorgeous, blush covering his face just like tiny drops of sweat covered his body, glistening in the dim light. Hyungwon wanted to lean in and lick over each and every one of them, to see the same intensity on the beautiful face as he had before. Hyungwon wanted him to be happy.

_ You really love him. _

As soon as the soft lips pressed against his, licking into his mouth, he felt absolutely overwhelmed, curling his arms around the man he loved and wishing to just melt into him, to constantly be the source of his happiness and pleasure, be a part of him instead of who he really was.   
  
Hoseok kissed him for what felt like minutes, stroking his hair and roaming over his body slowly.   
  
“You’re beautiful, Hyungwon, I love you so much,” Hoseok whispered and he saw his dark brown eyes focus on his while the other man leaned back a little.

_ You are making him feel this way. _

“You're the beautiful one, mesmerizing, I could look at you forever. I wish-" Hyungwon swallowed and reached out, stroking over the slightly blushed cheek. “I wish I was a part of you instead of myself. I want to be able to make you happy.”

_ But can you? _   
  
“Want to make me happy? There’s something I want to do.” Hoseok smiled playfully and cupped his butt, pulling him further into his embrace.

_ You can. _

Hyungwon nodded, stroking over the blonde man's hair and his shoulders, trying to memorize every inch of skin and how it felt against his, the way Hoseok looked when he felt pleasure and how he reacted, everything he enjoyed. The other man's warm hand felt big against the cool skin of his behind, it felt nice.

“I want to make you happy,” he whispered again and pressed a kiss to the curved mouth, still feeling the aftermath of pleasure, just because he was able to please the man he loved.   
  
“I know that you orgasmed but I want you to moan some more.” Hoseok turned them and let Hyungwon’s back hit the soft sheets while the broad, muscular body settled between his legs.

_ But that's about you and not him.  _

“B-but why would that make you happy?” he asked, feeling discomfort spread through him at the sight of his own body and the way small marks littered his skin. He didn't see them in the dim light but he knew they were there.

_ Not even darkness can save you from it, can it?  
_   
“Because I want to stroke over your skin and kiss every fucking inch of it, I want to grab it and bite it and I want you to moan in that low voice like when I take you into my mouth, shit, I love it so much. Your body, it drives me crazy, I want to touch you,” Hoseok groaned at him and leaned down, hovering over him with his broad shoulders and chest, blonde bangs hanging into the dark eyes.

He was attractive, beyond attractive, ethereal.

_ But what if you do something ugly, disgusting, something he will see and dislike, break the fascination that he feels? _

His breaths sped up as he looked at Hoseok, feeling his own eyes widen and his body respond to his rising panic, adrenaline spiking up and arousal fading away.

_ You won't be able to compare. You know nothing, Hyungwon. You're not even good at anything. He's going to leave you as soon as he realizes. _ _  
_ _  
_ “Are you thinking? Stop,” Hoseok hissed and leaned down, sucking a nipple between his curved lips. Hyungwon felt how the other man’s warm palm moved along his side and hip, brushing over his thigh and going back up. Hoseok was not joking about tasting him, his mouth was everywhere, his kisses and the other man’s wet tongue seemed to explore every patch of skin that was visible.

The sensations evoked a low moan, eyes closing for a short second before opening again, afraid to miss the other man's reaction, to not realize a mistake.

_ You frustrate him. You can't give him what he wants. _

“I- I can't stop,” he gasped and curled his arms around Hoseok’s shoulders again, stroking along the muscles under his fingertips and focusing on the way the beautiful man looked and felt.   
  
“You can, I’ll just have to make it more fun next time.” Hyungwon could feel the grin against his stomach as the blonde man worked his way down, breathing harshly against his dick and sliding lower. The warm tongue licked over a spot on his thigh while Hoseok let out a moan and continued placing kisses over his legs.

_ But why? _

Arousal tingled along his legs, fighting with the disgust he felt towards his own body. His hands tried to follow the blonde man, to stay close and be able to caress his perfect skin.

“I don't deserve any of this,” he whispered, repeating a thought and squeezing his eyes shut. “I should be pleasing you.”   
  
“Bullshit,” Hoseok groaned in reply from between his legs. “I have so many more things that you deserve, but I’ll save them for later. You pleased me already, don’t you get that I love your body? It’s pleasing for me. Watch me get hard again, fuck my life.” The other man exhaled sharply and continued his ministrations, licking over the sensitive skin on his inner thighs and tightening his strong fingers in Hyungwon’s flesh.

He forced himself to keep his eyes opened, to watch the way Hoseok reacted, the way he responded to touching, to running his tongue over his legs. He couldn't comprehend it but the affection was there, obvious in each motion, just like the fascination with his body.

“But- what do you like about it? Why do you love my body?” he asked and spread his legs, allowing Hoseok more space.   
  
“I love your proportions, you’re long and thin, your waist is crazy, I really like curling my arms around it. Your skin colour is simply beautiful, like gold. Your legs are so long and lean, fuck, see? Now I’m hard again.” The beautiful man smiled and crawled up, settling between his legs and breathing over his erection.

_ He means it. He loves your body, but he could have a better one. _

_ A better everything. _

“My brother has all that just better. The only difference is that I'm thinner and my skin is ruined. And that I'm fucked in the head. Why me?”   
  
Hoseok bit down on his lower lip and looked a little angry all of a sudden.   
  
“Your brother is not my thing, at all, which is the reason why you are here on my bed and not him. You’re fucked in the head? Fine, I have to deal with it then. Why you? Because I love you and I want you, don’t you dare diss my choices.”

Hyungwon's eyes widened at that, not sure how to respond. Who was he to blame Hoseok for his preferences and the affection and attraction he felt towards him?

_ It's your head. It's always your head. _

“I- I'm sorry,” he whispered, biting down on his tongue. “Please touch me.”   
  
Hoseok didn’t start immediately, first the other man placed soft kisses on his lower stomach and his hip bones, his upper thighs and his navel. Suddenly the intense gaze settled on his face and Hoseok took his erection, sliding it along his bottom lip repeatedly, letting a little saliva cover the tip, all of it while piercing Hyungwon’s soul with his almost black eyes. _  
_

“Oh my god,” Hyungwon whispered, not believing his eyes and how absolutely gorgeous Hoseok was. The other man didn't seem real at all, especially not when he was so close to him, sending pleasure through him despite his recent orgasm. “Y- you- oh god.”

“Mhm,” Hoseok hummed and his lips vibrated against the sensitive tip, sending sparks through his body. Watching how the other man's pink tongue slid along the connection of head and shaft, Hyungwon had to live through Hoseok staring. It didn't seem as if the other man intended to stop anytime soon.

It felt so fucking intense to be the centre of attention. Hyungwon usually hated it, becoming aware of all of his imperfections and possible mistakes, but it wasn't the same, not the way Hoseok looked it him. Instead it seemed like the fascinating man wished to suck up his reactions, the way he responded to each touch.

_ Like you. He feels about you the way you feel about him. _

Hyungwon moaned, eyes fluttering and pleasure suddenly much more intense than it had been a second ago, as if his body had been blocking it from reaching his awareness. The other man moaned in response and took him into his mouth, lips tightening around him and wet warmth moving along his dick. _  
_

“Fuck-" he cursed, throwing his head back and hitting the pillow. His legs tightened automatically around the beautiful man's head and he didn't know what to do with his hands, throwing them on top of the sheets above him. “Oh god- Hoseok.”

Humming around his erection, Hoseok let him go for a second.

“Grab my hair,” the rough, low voice commanded before the beautifully curved lips tightened around him again. He could feel how Hoseok's fingers started playing with his balls along with the slick movements of the blonde man's head.

Hyungwon nodded, fighting the pleasure to act as Hoseok wanted him to, legs shivering from the sensations and lips remaining parted, releasing each loud moan that Hoseok’s touches evoked in him. Once he finally lifted his hands, he groaned again, tightening them in the blonde hair and trying hard not to thrust up and hurt the other. Fuck, the pleasure was driving him mad.

“Shit- this is- holy fuck, Hoseok,” he mumbled and threw his head from side to side, pulling at the other man's hair. It was so different from when he touched himself and the last time, head unable to form a coherent thought, only leaving the wish for release and to make the blonde man happy. “This feels-”

Hoseok was going equally crazy, something about Hyungwon pulling his hair must've been extremely arousing. Sinking down all the way, the beautiful man let out a moan that vibrated right over his tip. 

It was crazy, he felt his body tense in an impossibly tight coil ready to explode. The blonde man must've realized and deepthroated him while pressing down somewhere in the area of his balls.

_ Holy shit. _

His vision turned white for a few seconds as the muscles all over his body contracted and he soared through his high, moaning loudly and burying his head in the soft pillow.

“Oh my god- oh my god oh my god oh my god,” he murmured repeatedly, still feeling dizzy and barely aware of where the hell his limbs were and why Hoseok would be willing to make him feel this way.

_ Oh no, what if he realizes that it was futile, that you're not worth it. _ _  
_ _  
_ The other man kept sucking until his thighs started shivering from the oversensitivity. The beautiful face appeared from in between his legs and Hoseok licked his lips tentatively.   
  
“What are you so hot for? Fuck.”

Hyungwon froze, realizing that he was still holding onto the blonde strands and let go quickly, breaths still leaving his lips more frequently than he was used to.

“I- I don't know,” he whispered awkwardly, struggling with the intensity of the sight and how fucking beautiful Hoseok was.   
  
“Shit, I almost snapped when you pulled my hair and now I’m hard again, it’s a vicious cycle,” Hoseok commented and grinned, crawling up slowly, pinning his body in between his muscular arms in the process.

_ He really reacts to you although you look the way you do. _

“Would you- would you lie on top of me?” There was something about the image of Hoseok’s weight on top of him that seemed calming, like he was in place and didn't have to move anymore, just be surrounded by warmth and fade into the embrace.

_ And now you're just being demanding. _ _  
_ _  
_ Hoseok bent his arms and let his chest sink down until their bodies touched, it looked like a push-up because the other man didn’t bless him with all of his weight.   
  
“I don’t want to squish you,” the low voice commented and Hoseok licked over his bottom lip playfully.

“B-but I want you to squish me. I love how big and broad you are,” Hyungwon muttered and rubbed over the sculpted shoulders, seeing the way the muscles bulged from holding the weight above his his thin frame. Hoseok was absolutely gorgeous and he still couldn't believe that a man like that would be interested in him. It seemed like wishful thinking. 

_ But you are undressed in his arms and he's still next to you. _ _  
_ _  
_ “How about you lie on top of me and I hug you and can feel your gorgeous body all over my skin?” Hoseok brushed a strand from his forehead and rolled to the side, taking him along, as if he was some sort of pillow.

Hyungwon smiled at how similar they were, both wishing to feel the other. He stretched out his arms to place them next to Hoseok’s head, pressing his lips to the curved ones.

“B-but hug me tightly please.”   
  
Hoseok squished him like a sausage, pressing their bodies together tightly such that he could feel the other man’s thick erection twitch against his groin.   
  
“I’m addicted to you,” Hoseok whispered and kissed back. _  
_

“Oh god- you're huge, Hoseok.” It was a little dumb and sudden to say that, especially after having it in his mouth, but it was the first thought that entered his brain at the contact. Apart from his love for being hugged like that. “You could break me like a stick- fuck.”

Dying through the arms of the person he loved sounded romantic somehow, it just probably didn't look all that romantic.

_ Ew. _ _  
_ _  
_ “I am, it has certain- advantages.” The other man grinned into the kiss and curled his arms tighter. “I don’t want to break you like a stick though, I love your body, I’m daydreaming of you sitting naked on top of me.”

He imagined it before stopping quickly.

“N-now?” Hyungwon stammered and lifted his head, looking at the beautiful, slightly blushed face. “I'm so thin, it'll be like those ‘twink gets fucked by gigantic dick’ vids.”

_ What the fuck is wrong with you? _

“Oh my god, forget what I said.”   
  
“I see you know what you’re talking about. Thank you for adding more detail to my mental image,” Hoseok groaned and buried his face in the crook of his neck, sucking on a patch of skin.

Hyungwon gasped, feeling his face burn from the situation and tried not to think about the fact that he was indeed naked on top of another man although he knew absolutely nothing apart from a long history of porn, attempting to awaken his libido.

“I know absolutely nothing, Hoseok,” he murmured.   
  
“That didn’t sound like it though. I know one or two things, so I’ll show you, if you let me,” Hoseok murmured against his neck. “And if you want to of course.”

Hyungwon didn't know. Right now he felt perfectly content being in the other man's arms, surrounded by mostly darkness and unable to see his own imperfections. However, he knew himself and that could change in the matter of a few seconds, one thought coming after the next and breaking everything.

_ Don't think about that. _

He nodded and tried to lift himself up, waiting for Hoseok to release his grip a little because there was no way that he could move against it. Inhaling deeply he got up and placed his thighs on each side of Hoseok’s hips, careful to not squish anything of value before he slowly sat down, the other’s erection like fire below him.

_ Holy fuck. _

“L- like that?” he asked and placed his palms on Hoseok’s naked chest, wishing there was more light so he could see the other in all his beauty.

_ No, you don't. _ _  
_ _  
_ Hoseok’s lips parted and released a shaky moan while the other man’s fingers curled around his thighs simultaneously. It felt nice.   
  
“At this point I kinda want to abandon my family and my studies to keep lying here with you sitting on top of me,” Hoseok hissed, sliding his gaze over his body and licking his lips.

“Don't,” Hyungwon replied and caressed the delicate, pale skin, letting his fingers travel along it before he pinched a nipple and watched the other's reaction. Looking at Hoseok affected him more than he was used to.   
  
“You- you feel so good.” A hiss left the other man’s curved lips as Hoseok thrust up a little, probably unintentionally.

It was hot, but it still seemed strange to be the one involved. Even in his imaginations it was rarely about him.

_ For that you dislike yourself too much. _ _  
_

Hyungwon exhaled sharply and watched the way Hoseok’s lips parted, just because he was sitting on top of him.

_ You can make him feel this way. That's valuable. _

He rolled his hips a little, shifting such that the other man's erection was between his butt cheeks, thick and hot against his cool skin.

“Fuck, Hyungwon.” Hoseok bit down on his bottom lip and rolled his hips, purposefully this time.

He hissed. It didn’t feel like the previous times, when Hoseok had actually touched him, taken him into his mouth or let Hyungwon please him. It wasn’t really pleasuring in the sense of sparks that burned along his legs but something about it had an effect. Like the thought, the image that he was sitting on top of the other man, undressed and feeling how he affected him, aroused Hyungwon and made his body react.

_ It’s him. You react because you see him, know that you can make him feel good. _

_ Maybe there is a purpose for you. _

Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to feel good, to love everything that happened to him. The blonde man deserved everything, absolutely everything.

Hoseok stroked over his thighs and reached behind him, cupping his butt cheeks and pressing him down on himself, moaning with his mouth open.

_ But you’re not really worth being pleased by him, are you? It should be about him. _

“This is torture for you, isn’t it?” Hyungwon asked, wondering how something as plain as his thighs and slender frame were able to drive the other man into arousal. He hadn’t even really done anything apart from shifting on top of the other man. His skin was probably rough and uncomfortable to touch.

_ Focus on him. _

The sudden noise of a door opening, somewhere behind the locked bedroom door, let his heart drop to his stomach and adrenaline spike in his chest. 

_ Oh no. _

He yelped and climbed off, tangling himself in the sheets and falling to the side next to the broad man. He felt so fucking helpless, unable to even climb off, disgustingly naked and too stupid to hide himself. Begging for whoever it was to not enter the room or for himself to just disappear into thin air, he curled up and covered his face with his arms, knees pulled up to his chest. The blood rushing through him was loud in his ears just like the sound of his own breath.

_ You're pathetic for reacting like that. _

Hoseok hugged him immediately.

“It's Kihyun, but the door is closed, don't worry, he can't come in.” The other man placed tender kisses along his jaw before parting his lips with his tongue. “But maybe we should stop because otherwise I'll just be all over your body without eating or drinking.” Hoseok chuckled and sat up taking him along.

Hyungwon felt himself shivering, panic remaining in his system as he curled his body around Hoseok, legs closing around the other man’s waist instead of pushing against his own chest and arms circling the broad neck. He squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his face into the pale skin, hoping for whatever was happening to him to stop and finally give him peace.

It didn't calm him down, not at all, although he was close to the one person he liked the most.

_ That's because your mind is broken. _

“Shit- I’m scared,” he gasped and couldn’t stop his body from shaking, images of everything that could go wrong entering his head.

_ His flatmate could knock, he could manage to open the door, to see you, be disgusted and tell Hoseok that he is crazy for liking someone like you. Shit, stop forgetting what you look like. _

There was no way that he could be lucky more than once. It was already impossible that Hoseok was able to bear looking at him.

“Nothing will happen, I'm here with you,” Hoseok murmured and stroked over his hair. “Do you want to get dressed, Hyungwon?”

He nodded, feeling the tears burn in his eyes, just like the pressure that remained in his chest. It hurt, fuck. He wasn’t even able to keep his composure for longer than five minutes, why was Hoseok even bothering with someone like him?

_ You can’t even leave the fucking house for the most basic things. You’re a waste of breath and money, Hyungwon. _

_ Your mom should have just kept the healthy twin. _

The other man couldn't hear his thoughts, which had been a good thing. Grabbing his underwear, Hoseok lifted him up and placed him on the edge of the bed before kneeling down across from him and pulling his briefs up his legs.

“I kinda thought of throwing everything out of the window so you'd stay naked forever, but well…” Hoseok chuckled and reached for his light blue jeans, holding them such that he could slip his feet through the holes. Hyungwon followed the motions automatically, sensing how the pain in his chest began to fade into numbness. His cheeks felt wet but it didn’t really matter anymore, he just stared at Hoseok’s smiling face and hoped that it would stay through the ever-present destructiveness of his mind.

“Why do you bother with me? Walking away seems so easy to me, simple,” he whispered and switched his gaze, staring at absolutely nothing, dimmed light keeping him from seeing his body properly.

“I'm not bothered, Hyungwon. I enjoy being with you.” Hoseok helped him into his pants and pulled his giant sweatshirt over his chest, placing a kiss against his lips right after. “Was all of this too much for you?” the other man asked with a worried expression on his face.

Hyungwon just stared at the floor until he finally registered the question was addressed to him and he had to respond.

_ Is it too much for you? _

No, it had been nice. He had felt okay- until something cracked and he just realized why he never did these things in the first place. No one ever wanted to and he couldn’t deal with the fact that he was disgusted by his own body. There was a limited amount of adjustments people were able to deal with. Why would anybody bother with someone who couldn’t undress, cried randomly and wasted precious oxygen? 

He felt nothing at the thoughts, absolutely nothing.

“No, I liked it. It’s just not fair to you, I’m just making you suffer for something you could easily have somewhere else.” The shuffling noises outside the door would have made him nervous but it just didn't matter anymore. It was too late. His voice didn't sound like himself at all, no stuttering and discomfort, just nothing.   
  
“You seem really determined to make me leave you, don’t you? The last person who tried to make me leave died, Hyungwon. I didn’t leave. I never wanted to leave in the first place.” Hoseok stood up all of a sudden and picked up his clothes, slipping into his shorts and shirt quickly.

_ Died? _

The words didn't really register, just information that circulated around him and changed absolutely nothing about his state.

_ Death would. _

“I'm sure they had a reason,” he replied, voice still strangely monotone. Hyungwon wasn't even sure he could feel his vocal cords produce the sounds, hearing them from afar.

_ You're probably drowning in your own head. _

He remembered it pretty well, the time he had cracked and decided that death might have been the best solution to his problems, planning and thinking about it for days. The thoughts returned sometimes, just like regret for not pulling through.

Now he had no emotional reaction to the memories, not even disgust or regret. Breathing calmly, Hyungwon watched Hoseok dress, not really focusing on anything in particular, just scanning over his surroundings.

“I'll go home, Hoseok,” he said slowly, standing up and glancing around absentmindedly to see if he had forgotten anything of value.

“Having a reason does not justify an action. It's not less painful or less dumb or less selfish just because there's a so called reason.” The blonde man walked to the door and turned the key, letting light into the dark room.

“Maybe,” Hyungwon muttered and stood up, walking over to the bedroom door. It felt like he must have been forgetting something but he didn't know what.

“Take care,” he whispered and walked to the door he had entered through, slipping into the shoes he had left at the side. It wasn't long until he could be alone again, hoping for it to end finally.

There was another man, saying something but Hyungwon just followed through, tying his shoelaces and disappearing through the door. He needed to be alone for this.

_ Because nobody can help you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 13th of August at 2 AM CET.
> 
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
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>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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> 

Reasons for dying?   
  
There was no such thing.   
  
Hoseok had been sitting on the floor of his room for a couple of hours, just staring at the ceiling with his head thrown back against his sheets, although he should’ve studied, or worked, or called the Internet company for Changkyun, or even danced, but he just stared instead.    
  
He didn’t want to admit it, but there was something like a box of memories, thin and thick threads intertwining and creating a whole year of his life, his thoughts, fears and experiences, carefully locked away for him to not think about, because it was futile. Because nothing could’ve changed the outcome anymore. But then there was Hyungwon, who managed to rip off the lid and tear the carefully curled threads out of their designated spot, creating chaos and emotional unbalance, reminding him and making him feel pain again. He didn’t want to.   
  
_ You prefer to occupy yourself with practical stuff, create a lack of time, be busy, not think and preferably also not feel. _ __  
__  
He was really confident in his skills. His practical skills, helping people out, making phone calls, creating notes for exams or talking to customers in the pharmacy, making them feel less awkward or lonely.   
  
_ But you’re not confident in making someone stay. Someone who actually wants to leave. _ __  
__  
It had been scary to say the least, scary how numb Hyungwon seemed, how he didn’t appear to care that Hoseok had lost a person he loved. The other man even dared to say that there must’ve been reasons for him to leave. For Ben.   
  
He felt like punching a wall.   
  
_ Because that’s all you can do. You’re helpless. _   
  
He hated the feeling, it brought him back to the way he had felt after having all those discussions with Ben, after trying to prove his point, to make the other understand that it had been worth it. That he had been worth it. Worth staying.   
  
_ But you weren’t. _ __  
__  
“Hoseok, stand up.” Kihyun’s figure appeared out of nowhere and the other man tried to pull him up, using an insane amount of strength which was pretty unusual.   
  
“I’m fine,” he murmured and let his best friend pull him up.   
  
“Bullshit. What’s wrong with him, Hoseok? Did you fight? Why did he just fuck off without saying hi? Or is he an asshole, although those are not quite your type, are they?” Kihyun pinched his shoulder painfully, trying to regain his attention.   
  
“He- I- I don’t know.” It was absolutely frustrating. He didn’t even know what had happened between them, again there was some other variable, some underlying formula that kept ruining the usual healthy interaction, something that had spoiled something from the inside and he had no idea what it was.   
  
__ What are you going to do?   
  
“Amazing, either you get it sorted out or I’m going there, because there’s no fucking way that you’ll sit here and bathe in self-pity and pointless guilt-trips. Who the fuck is he to make you self-conscious like that? I hate him.” His best friend went all out, hissing and curling his short fingers into fists while he spoke.   
  
“Don’t,” he murmured and went to the bathroom, becoming painfully aware of his bodily needs.

The sudden sound of their doorbell ripped through the apartment just as Hoseok stepped back into the hallway, seeing how Kihyun already ran over and opened it, probably expecting someone.   
  
“Ah, it’s you, mannerless human,” Kihyun’s annoyed voice sounded at the door and Hoseok almost choked, basically running over despite wearing ridiculously short shorts and no shirt.   
  
_ Shit, it’s him, he came. _   


Hyungwon was staring at Kihyun, eyebrow raised and hair styled up such that it revealed his forehead. Glancing further down, Hoseok saw tight, dark blue jeans with rips all over attractive slim thighs and calves, topped with a loose white shirt that was relatively low on the collarbones.

“I don't know who the fuck you are but you should work on your insults. ‘Mannerless human’ is pretty pathetic, Shorty.”   
  
_ Oh no, oh no no no no no. _ __  
__  
Kihyun sucked in a breath, almost bursting out in laughter before he leaned against the doorframe and grinned shamelessly.   
  
“Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear, Thou lily-liver’d boy.”   
  
_ No, not Shakespeare. _ __  
__  
It was over when Kihyun started using Shakespearean insults. Hoseok ran over and pushed his best friend to the side.   
  
“It’s not him, Kihyun, it’s the brother,” he murmured and focused his gaze on the person standing in the doorframe. “Come in, Kyungwon.”   
  
“What? Y’all look the same, holy fuck.” Kihyun stepped to the side and walked towards the kitchen, grabbing an apple and taking a huge bite.   


“Thanks, shirtless hottie, I was already worried that your little kitten has rabies,” Hyungwon's brother remarked, brushing through his black hair with a nasty smirk on his face, obviously meant for Kihyun.   
  
“The kitten will bite your head off, he’s scary,” Hoseok remarked and hoped that Kihyun didn’t hear it. “Sorry for the attire, let me get a shirt.” He brushed through his hair once and walked over to his room, grabbing a white tank top and pulling it over his naked chest while going back to the living room, where Kyungwon sat down on the leather couch.   
  
“But you told me that you don’t fuck them both, Hoseok, why is he here?” Kihyun wanted to make his life hell for some reason.   
  
_ Oh for fuck’s sake. You don’t fuck any of them for that matter. _

“Not yet, kitten. You know, Hoseok, I wouldn't have minded you without a shirt. I also don't mind my kittens being wild for that matter. Just a tiny bit taller maybe.” Kyungwon licked over his lips and crossed his legs, gesturing for Hoseok to join him on the couch with his index finger. “But that's not why I'm here.”   
  
_ Well, thank god. _ __  
__  
He looked at Kihyun, gesturing for the other man to leave him for a bit and sat down, leaving enough space between his semi-naked thighs and the black-haired man who looked so much like Hyungwon that he wanted to choke.   
  
“I’m glad, why are you here then?” he asked and looked at his hands that were a little bruised from the morning workout.

“Because Hyungwon is miserable and unable to do anything about it. He thinks he ruined everything although it's mental health related and something he can’t help and I just want him to have the sun shining out of his ass instead of this bullshit. You happen to look like you weren't too bad at it for now, so I wanted to ask you to take initiative.” Kyungwon glanced to the side, similar to the way Hyungwon did when he was uncomfortable, showing concern probably didn’t fit with his brother’s image. Once he turned back he smiled a little. “Do you think your kitten can get us a glass of water or something?”   
  
_ He’s miserable, Hoseok. What were you thinking? That he’s enjoying life all by himself? _   
  
“He’s not my kitten, I’ll get it for you. You want water? Or a badly made coffee?” Hoseok smiled and stood up, walking into the kitchen and pulling two glasses off of the shelf, thinking about how Hyungwon had looked when he left his apartment three days ago.   
  
Suddenly Kihyun appeared out of nowhere, eyes dark and somehow not calming at all, he must’ve heard their conversation.   
  
“Listen up, Hyungwon’s brother, I don’t know anything about you and why the fuck you are here instead of whatever it is that you normally do, but leave Hoseok the fuck alone. You have no idea about him and he has enough people wanting stuff from him, I’m seriously sick of it, why does he have to do something? You think he doesn’t suffer? He does too, so shut the fuck up and leave him alone.”    
  
Hoseok almost choked again, before he regained his thinking abilities, grabbed the other man’s shoulders and pushed him towards his room, hissing in his ear.   
  
“Kihyun, this is not the time for this. I’ll take care of it myself, seriously.” He pushed the other man into the room.   
  
“Don’t you dare be miserable, Hoseok,” the other man whispered and turned around, let himself fall onto his bed and took a book from under his pillow.   
  
Hoseok closed the door and returned to the kitchen, pouring water into both glasses and taking them to the living room before handing one to Kyungwon without any comment.

The other man was examining him intently, eyes narrowed a little, probably due to Kihyun's outburst.

“Your friend must have a reason for saying what he did, but as Hyungwon is my brother I'm sure you understand that my concern lies with him. The decision is up to you of course, I'm just genuinely asking you to be the one to talk to him because I know that he can't talk to you himself. I-” The beautiful man swallowed, Adam's apple bobbing with the motion. “I just don't want him to be unstable again.”   
  
_ He even came here because of it. Since when do you rethink if people ask you for something? _ __  
__  
Hoseok sat down on the couch and leaned back, head resting on the pillow.   
  
“I will, I’ll go there, I just had to sort a couple of things out for myself and I don’t know if I managed, but I’ll still go. You don’t have to worry.” Closing his eyes for a couple of seconds he reminded himself that he was still having a person over and was not supposed to be hanging over his couch and contemplating on life choices.

Kyungwon took a long sip of his water, drinking most of it before he nodded slowly, again resembling Hyungwon at each second of the motion.

“You know, Hoseok, there are people that get hurt but they somehow manage to deal with it, even if it's not to the fullest and even if stuff comes back and influences their actions. But at least they are mostly functional, going through daily life.” Dark brown eyes settled on him as the tall man appeared to clench his jaw. “And then there are people like Hyungwon that just- do absolutely crazy things, completely fucked up. It makes no sense at all but they still do them and then you just sit there, fucking terrified of them happening again, fuck.” The change in the other man's posture was minimal but still visible, long fingers tightening around the glass of water and one thigh pressing more against the other. “Thank you.”   
  
_ He’s scared. Why? _ __  
__  
“What kind of things?” He turned towards the other man and stared at the familiar face.

The plump lips pulled together again. It was fascinating how similar the two of them were when Kyungwon felt uncomfortable, adopting the same behavioural patterns.

“He tried to kill himself, Hoseok. I just don't want it to happen again. I just can't judge it because he can seem all fine and giggle like he is having the time of his life and then-" The other man grabbed the glass of water forcefully enough to cause the blood to disappear from his fingers, emptying it quickly. “I don't know if he shared it with you, I doubt it. He hates talking about it, but I think you should know. I just want him to be okay, that's all.”   
  
It felt as if his blood disappeared from his veins, leaving everything empty and making room for liquid dread flowing towards his chest and stomach. It was familiar but had the same effect as it had back then. There was only one thing that kept him from reacting full force.   
  
_ He didn’t. He tried but he didn’t do it. He’s fine, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
Swallowing once, he stared at the hook where he spotted his leather jacket. It was black and the leather seemed to be a little rubbed over on the sleeve. There was also a small burned spot from a cigarette, back when he had smoked. Back then, on the veranda of the hospital.   
  
“A person I loved a lot died from heavy anorexia four years ago. I can understand your wish for him to be okay.” Hoseok spoke like on autopilot, as if it wasn’t him who was talking. “I’ll take a shower and be on my way, you don’t have to worry.” Standing up he walked towards his room, thanking his legs for doing such an amazing job in carrying him where he wanted to be without much thought.

“I'll drive you,” Kyungwon called after him without standing up from the couch.   
  
He took his clothes off, not giving a single fuck that he had a guest and walked towards the bathroom, closing the door after himself. The water felt nice against his skin, if it was warm enough one could have thought that it had the temperature of another person’s skin, but it still felt different. Hyungwon came to mind, his big hands and how he touched him while having that look in his eyes, as if Hoseok had been the most precious thing on earth.   
  
_ Bullshit. _ __  
__  
_ Do you have a type, Hoseok? People who hate themselves so much that they would see you as something extraordinary? _ __  
__  
He swallowed and shook his head at himself. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t his fault but he should’ve done more back then, maybe he could’ve seen it coming.   
  
_ He told you to come because he felt much better and you didn’t, you idiot. _ __  
__  
Memory was a scary thing, it kept all the proof of failure, embarrassment and malfunction, but never pointed out the things one had done well. Hoseok knew that.   
  
_ But it doesn’t change the outcome. _ __  
__  
He stepped out of the shower and dried himself with a big white towel, wrapping it around his hips and leaving the bathroom right after. He walked past Hyungwon’s brother who was still sitting on the couch, as if he never left and entered his room, dressing quickly.   
  
_ You don’t even know how long you showered, what if he waited for an hour or something? _ __  
__  
His fingers didn’t look as if he had been exposed to water for a long time, but his bruises hurt. Hoseok left his room after taking his wallet and keys and walked over to Kyungwon.

“I'm sorry for your loss,” the other man murmured quietly and uncrossed his legs before standing up quickly. “The thought is fucking terrifying. I tried to imagine it but-" There was a break as Kyungwon took out car keys from the pocket of his jeans. “Let's just go, Hoseok, and thank you. Thank you so fucking much.”   
  
“Thank you for caring so much, it makes me happy that he has someone like you. He really likes you.” Hoseok couldn’t help remembering all the times Hyungwon had looked happy just talking about his brother as if the other had been an angel on earth.   
  
_ He’s his twin brother, they must be really close. _ _  
_

A pretty smile passed over the full lips as Kyungwon turned to him, holding the entrance door open with his thumb and waiting for Hoseok to pass through.

“He's my second half.” __  
__  
_Too bad Hyungwon doesn’t think so._ __  
__  
Hoseok obviously didn’t think when he had agreed on Kyungwon driving him because it was a five minute walk and they arrived after about a minute, wasting gasoline and preventing cars from passing by because the other man had to stop in the middle of the road to drop him off.   
  
_What the fuck is this car?_ __  
__  
The other man drove a fucking Porshe as if he wasn’t a poor student. Hoseok didn’t even know if Kyungwon studied at all, he only saw him making out at parties and climbing over tables while wearing expensive clothes.  
  
_His parents must be rich._   
  
“Thanks,” Hoseok muttered. __  


“I love pissing people off,” Kyungwon commented with a grin before his face turned a little more serious, ignoring the honking behind him. “If you ever want to talk just hit me up.”   
  
“You’re so different, thanks, but I feel weird about it.” He winked at the handsome man and turned around, running up the stairs immediately to distract himself from the fact that he had no idea what to say.    
  
The black door looked familiar but he realized that he had never stared at it for such a long time. There were signs of someone breaking the lock, deep scratches and marks on the metallic frame. His heartbeat picked up but he forced the thoughts of someone cracking Hyungwon’s door to the back of his mind.   
  
_ Why are you here, Hoseok? _ __  
__  
It was most definitely not because Hyungwon’s brother had come and asked him to go. He had wanted to come here since he sat down on his bedroom floor and forced himself through the ‘guilt-trip’ as Kihyun liked to call it.   
  
“You are here because you love him, Hoseok. It’s okay to do all that because you love him,” he said out loud for no fucking reason at all, risking that Hyungwon could’ve heard it, or some random neighbours. He just hoped that they wouldn’t call the police because of some dude confessing his love to a door.   
  
Reaching for the small button, he pressed the bell and sucked in a breath.

It was strange how the familiar shuffling didn't follow, absolutely nothing happening behind the black door for what felt like a minute or two. When Hoseok felt that nothing was going to happen the sudden sound of naked feet on wooden floors entered his ears before the door opened halfway and he was met with Hyungwon's face.

The other man looked much worse compared to when he had visited Hoseok, dark circles under his eyes and deadly pale complexion. It could have been his imagination but the already slender frame appeared even thinner than it had been, wrists the width of three of Hoseok’s fingers. Hyungwon wasn't wearing a sweatshirt, just a large black t-shirt that reached until one third of his thighs in addition to lose sweatpants.

The big brown eyes stared at him, visibly struggling to comprehend something.

“W- why did you come? I thought you-”   
  
_ He thought you were going to leave, didn’t he? _ __  
__  
“You thought what? That I wouldn’t come? I just needed to get over my emotional scars in a matter of three days, that was a little stressful,” Hoseok commented and opened the door, slipping under Hyungwon’s arm as he did the previous times. “Cool shirt.”

The slim man reacted slowly, closing the door and licking over his dry lips as he focused on Hoseok’s face.

“But I was horrible to you, not reacting at all although you went through so much and just disappearing although I should have hugged you and told you that everything will be fine and that you're doing great and achieving so much, but instead I was the same worthless piece of shit I always am- fuck.” The words were fast, raining from Hyungwon's plump mouth until the visibly exhausted man just sank to the ground, hands resting on his own thighs. “I'm so fucking sorry, Hoseok. I'm sorry, please forgive me. I'm sorry.”

_ Guess who's not the only one with his guilt trips. _

He kneeled down and took Hyungwon's chin with his thumb and index finger, lifting it such that he could look into the other man's eyes.

“Listen Hyungwon, this is not a self-pity party. You felt bad, you left and I felt bad I didn't come for three days. I'm sorry for not calling and I'm sorry for not coming and now that I'm here I'm going to watch you do all those things I like, like eating, drinking and showering.” He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on the other man's dry lips.

“B-but those are basics and not enjoyable for you at all- a- and-" Hyungwon gave up talking and just curled his arms around Hoseok’s thigh, pressing his face against it while exhaling sharply, basically hugging his crotch. “Oh god- you wanted to come? You're not leaving me?”

“Why would I leave you, Hyungwon? Because you want me to? This is not going to happen, do you understand me? I'm here because I want to be here and you're worth it and all that, so show me how you stuff food into your mouth, I really want to see that.” He started off serious but a smile spread on his face at their strange position and the image of Hyungwon stuffing a whole egg into his mouth.

“Or did you miss me so much that you prefer staying between my legs?”

The soft, black hair was spread out over his legs until Hyungwon suddenly lifted his head, eyes wide and blush slowly creeping up along his cheeks.

“W-what? Oh god- I did miss you, b-but eating is totally fine, I'm just not all that hungry and-" The brown eyes slipped down towards his bulge. “Fuck.”

“You can have it for dessert, but first you have to eat something more nutritious,” Hoseok murmured and grabbed Hyungwon's waist, pulling him up along with himself. “Do you have something here or should I get delivery?”   


“Kyungwon brought stuff but I don't know what,” the thin man responded, face still a bright, pink colour.

_ He really likes your body although you thought that he didn't at first. _

Hoseok wanted to jump him, but only after he had made sure that the black-haired man wouldn't collapse. He didn't look healthy at all.

After roaming through the fridge, he prepared a couple of cheese sandwiches and coffee. Hyungwon ate painfully slowly, but the food ended up in the other man's mouth so Hoseok was satisfied.

“Okay and now shower.” He raised an eyebrow and scanned Hyungwon's body. The other man's hair obviously needed a wash, he couldn't say much about anything else as they hadn't been close enough yet.

There must have been something unpleasant about the idea of showering as Hyungwon's body tensed and he placed the cheese sandwich that he had been chewing back onto the plate.

“I- I will, but it takes time and-” A deep breath followed. “It's a painful experience.”

_ What? _

Hoseok couldn't really understand but it also didn't matter to him. Hyungwon's hate towards himself didn't make sense.

“Then we will have to make it a nice experience. I just showered, but never mind, let's go.” He stood up and pulled Hyungwon behind himself, only stopping after they'd reached the bathroom.

“Wait- y- you want to shower with me? But I'll have to undress and- fuck.” The other man's breathing frequency increased tremendously and he held onto Hoseok’s hand like it was his last salvation, staring at the post-it notes on the mirrors and reflecting surfaces.

“Who else would I want to shower with? We will turn off the light and open the door and then you'll feel comfy and it'll be super romantic. You can undress me and I'll undress you.” Practical intelligence was a blessing, Hoseok realized, even in situations like this.

Dark brown eyes returned to his face as Hyungwon pulled his lips together in thought, resembling a pout.

“So- turning off the light would be okay with you? Really?”

“Listen, I just want to shower with you and if it helps you not to panic, then turn off the light. I'm absolutely fine with it.” Something about Hyungwon was simply adorable, despite all the self-destructiveness the other man showed.

“O-okay,” the full, but dry lips replied as Hyungwon reached behind himself and pressed the light switch with his index finger, covering the room in darkness apart from the tiny slit of light coming from the opened door, illuminating the contours. There was still a little bit of hesitation as the beautiful man stepped closer and brushed over the seam of Hoseok’s t-shirt, rolling it up a little.

“I know that you like it, just do it, I like it too,” Hoseok whispered and it felt somehow different, not really seeing each other, only the shadows and the light reflecting in Hyungwon's big eyes left as a visual impression.   


He saw a soft nod before the long fingers slipped under the fabric, scratching along his abdomen and sides a little until they pushed the shirt up his chest. Pulling it over his head, Hyungwon's long fingers returned to his chest and brushed over his nipples, as if on purpose, applying more pressure than to the rest of his pale skin. It was like a dance, travelling along his arms, his abdomen, his shoulders, all over without a proper goal as the warm breath that left the other’s plump lips caressed his neck, increasing in frequency the longer he touched him.

Hoseok hissed and slipped both hands under the other man's shirt, pulling it over his head with a practiced movement and immediately attaching his lips to his neck, sucking on the sensitive skin. His hands travelled down to Hyungwon's sweatpants, loosening the knot.

He was blessed with a gasp as Hyungwon's legs almost gave out, slim body only staying in place through the firm grip on his shoulders. Again the breaths sounded quick, a little louder and less due to arousal this time, connected with the act of undressing.

_ Slow down. _

“I can't shower in pants, or do you want me to?” Hoseok asked with a grin the other man probably couldn't see.

There was a quick shake of the head before Hyungwon leaned forward and attached his lips to Hoseok’s skin, sucking at the area below his right collarbone and making his way down to his nipple, rolling it over his tongue. The black-haired man's long fingers travelled along his sides in the meantime, opening the button of his jeans and pulling down the zipper. It felt really nice and unusual to be touched while remaining in almost complete darkness. The sensory input seemed stronger due to the fact that he couldn't really see what was going on in detail.

Hyungwon exhaled against his pecs, licking a stripe over to the other nipple before taking it into his mouth and sucking on it. The other man's hand ignored the open zipper and just slipped along his jeans-clad thigh, until it found one of the rips and slipped inside, stroking over his naked skin.

It was not the most effective way of undressing but Hoseok couldn't really complain, sensations pilling up and resulting in a familiar tingling in his lower body.

Kissing his way along his abdomen, the black-haired man placed both of his hands at Hoseok’s hips and pulled his jeans and briefs down his legs, waiting until he stepped out of them before throwing the clothes to the side. The delicate but large hands seemed impatient, immediately stroking along his legs and muscular thighs, only briefly brushing over his half-hard dick. Hyungwon seemed impossibly fascinated, his tongue immediately licking and teeth nibbling along Hoseok’s skin whenever he discovered a new untouched spot.

It felt so fucking good, especially after the three days of not touching and not being touched. He wanted to feel Hyungwon's naked skin.

“It's my turn now,” Hoseok whispered and let his fingers dance along the other man's naked chest, his pretty, sharp collar bones and small, hard nipples, down to the seam of his oversized sweatpants.

Hyungwon swallowed, probably chewing on his lower lip judging by the silhouette and the little bit of light that reflected off the contours of his face.

“You're so beautiful,” the other man whispered, still letting his index finger draw a line from Hoseok’s chest to his erection, unwilling to part.

“Mhm, so are you.” His hands slipped under the waistband and he kneeled down, pulling the pants down Hyungwon's legs slowly, kissing along his right thigh with every centimetre that was not covered by fabric anymore.

The black-haired man gasped, legs shivering a little at the action and long fingers slipping into Hoseok’s blonde hair, using it to keep his grip. Hoseok had a pretty clear response to hot men pulling his hair so he let out a soft moan before attaching his lips to Hyungwon's other thigh, it felt amazing under his fingertips, lean and firm, although the skin felt irregular due to the scars. He wanted to kiss all of it.

_ But you also wanted to shower, that was the point. _

“Let's go.” He rose up and pulled Hyungwon flush against his chest, kissing his plump lips with vigour and walking towards the shower.

The other man visibly contracted his muscles in discomfort but appeared to compensate it by curling his arms around Hoseok’s neck and pulling him closer, gasping into his mouth.

_ Will it always stay like this? _

Hoseok didn't know but it somehow also didn't matter, because there was always a solution as long as both of them existed.

 

***

 

Out of all phases that Hyungwon had to go through in his life, numbness had been the worst. It was the one that took over him when it was too much, when his body got sick and tired of fighting negative thoughts and emotional pain and just let everything stay the way it was, escaping to the inside instead. Just that it wasn't really an escape because the pain was still there, just like its source.

Even when he had a mental breakdown, crying without a break and hitting his bed, pillows or himself, he at least felt something, anything instead of the emptiness that had occupied his body as he left Hoseok’s apartment.

_ When you're hurting, you at least don't hurt anybody else. _

Hyungwon hadn't been able to think of anything apart from the words Hoseok had uttered in front of him right before he left, revealed even as it must have been something that hurt the beautiful blonde man greatly.

Hoseok had lost somebody, somebody he really cared about.

_ And you just walked away, you worthless piece of shit.  _

Hyungwon had lost his appetite and sleep, unable to stop thinking about what happened and all the things he should have done but didn't. How he should have consoled Hoseok, showed him that he cared, asked about what had happened, embraced him. Instead he had done absolutely nothing and closed the fucking door in the other man's face.

Lack of food was something he was used to, body barely realizing whether he actually ate or not, functioning just as always apart from when he left the bed, balance shaky and energy levels low.

Sleep was more tricky there. Lack of it was worsening his condition and creating further negative thoughts in his head, circulating around until he felt like he was drowning in a sea of blackness, barely touching the surface with his fingertips, unable to call out for help. 

Sometimes he imagined talking to Hoseok, explaining himself and doing what he should have done. But even there he kept on making mistakes, pointing out the wrong thing, saying something upsetting or hurting the blonde man.

_ You should have just died back then instead of dealing with all this. _

His eyes opened wide at the thought, months of therapy kicking in and telling him it wasn't his rationality but his manipulated emotions speaking, emotions that had nothing to do with reality.

_ They feel so real though.  _

How could pain be so real but not apply to anything real? Real pain for nothing seemed so impossible for nature to create.

His eyes were focused on the ceiling, perfectly empty and without anything stimulating to stare at, just plain white tapestry.

_ Just like in the clinic. _

In the clinic Kyungwon had visited him every day, bringing flowers or a book, something that had happened that day or just himself. It had been a little overwhelming back then to suddenly be the recipient of so much attention and affection. Hyungwon was still convinced that he didn't deserve it all, but his brother was of a different opinion, still coming over every two days, bringing groceries, money from his parents and rarely letters.

_ He still cares, despite the fact that even after therapy you don't have your shit together. _

He still had phases, was dependent on his medication and struggled with his self-esteem. He had done so much over the few months he hadn't been able to study but it just seemed like the time ran by without anything meaningful occurring.

Kyungwon had visited, early enough for Hyungwon to look halfway decent but not sufficiently late to miss that something was off, especially with his health deteriorating and thoughts circling around the wish of fading into nothing.

_ Can't you just disappear and let him fill the empty spot? It would be so easy, you could just make sure Minhyuk and Hyunwoo befriend him and Hoseok would also prefer his beautiful body and mind over your diseased one. _

No one would have been sad, it was perfect.

The sound of a bell ripped him from his thoughts. He didn't react immediately, not seeing the need to do so and lacking the energy to just jump up and check. His body was slowly giving up on him, reaching its limits of lack of food intake and sleep deprivation. 

He would have never expected it to be Hoseok, seeing the blonde man in all of his surreal beauty in front of him. He was absolutely gorgeous and most likely a hallucination of his sleep-deprived mind because Hoseok must have long given up on him and his mentally unstable head, completely fucked and better off avoiding.

But there he was, materialized, beautiful, caring and incredibly hot Hoseok. The blonde man made him something to eat, looked at him as if he was worth all that affection and undressed him in the bathroom after turning off the lights because Hyungwon was too weak to handle his body in proper lighting.

He was pulled by the strong embrace as Hoseok stepped into the shower and turned on the water, not moving the slightest bit although the water was cold at first. Hyungwon shivered from the thought alone, watching how some of the drops on the beautiful man's shoulders reflected the light. It was magical somehow.

He reached out, holding onto the strong hand until he felt how it pulled him into the shower, warm water hitting his skin. His disgusting skin.

Hyungwon immediately curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, focusing on the taste of curved lips against his and the loud rushing of water around them. He wanted to touch him, to stroke his fingertips over the pale and perfect skin, just like he had before, make the beautiful man feel good, be valuable.

Hoseok kissed back and grabbed a bottle of shampoo, pouring a little into his palm and rubbing them together.

“Come here,” the other man's incredibly affectionate voice whispered against his lips.

_ Do you even remember the last time you showered? _

Hyungwon bit down on his lower lip and stepped even closer, a little overwhelmed that Hoseok would want to wash his hair, would want to touch him at all.

“Y- you sure?” he whispered and let his fingers rest on the sculpted chest, feeling his heartbeat pick up beyond adrenaline just at the touch alone.

“Do I look like I'm unsure?” Hoseok lifted his hands and slid his fingers through his hair, shampooing it and massaging his scalp with pleasant movements. It felt so nice. The only other person that had ever washed his hair was Kyungwon and it hadn't been the same, not at all.

“This feels...r-really nice,” he murmured and closed his eyes, focusing on the sensation alone and the soft skin under his fingers. Drops were running over his hands and body, warm like tiny kisses. The tender fingers disappeared but he could feel the other man's warm thighs against his own and soft exhales brushing his slightly parted lips.

“Can I touch you?” Hoseok asked, pouring shower gel into his palm.

Hyungwon would have much rather touched him, sank down to his knees and made him feel good but he nodded slowly, hands tightening a little on the sensitive skin. Opening his eyes, he focused on the beautiful face, watching the way the dim light made the blonde look absolutely ethereal.

Hoseok creamed his shoulders, stroking over his arms and chest, spreading the shower gel over his back and butt. The other man's eyes were focused on his body, fingers drawing the outlines of his abdominal muscles and sharp hip bones before one hand slipped in between his legs and he felt Hoseok's strong fingers curl around his erection.

Hyungwon tensed and closed his eyes to remove the visual input, even if it wasn't much. The sensation on its own was so much better, allowing him to concentrate on the way the other man felt around him, instead of the small sparks of pleasure. He wanted to be the one to touch and make the other feel good.

“I- I want to touch you too, Hoseok, please.”

The other man grabbed his ass with both hands and pressed him against his own muscular body, so broad, warm and slick from the shower gel that he was covered in.

“I missed you,” Hoseok exhaled sharply against his lips. Hyungwon gasped, not in surprise this time but from the contact, arousal covering him slowly like a sheet of silk. His skin was more bearable like this, less rough.

“I missed you too, so much- everything seemed so pointless without you next to me-" He rested his head on the other man's shoulder, attaching his lips to the muscular neck. Hoseok sucked in a breath, roaming over his lower back and keeping his arms tight around his slim body. The other was like a wall compared to him.

“It felt pointless for me too. I didn't do anything, like an idiot, fuck my life. You have to make up for that.” The gorgeous blonde man chuckled and slid his fingers along his waist. 

Hyungwon stepped even closer, feeling how their legs intertwined and chests pressed together. He was barely half of Hoseok’s broadness but still the other seemed to enjoy the difference, to like his body. He couldn't understand but it was difficult to deny with how urgent the touches were with which Hoseok’s hands blessed him.

_ But you want more, to make him lose himself like before, gift him something in return. _

“I want to make you feel good, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered into the pretty ear of the other man, lifting his head from his shoulder.

“And I want to make you forget everything you're thinking about,” Hoseok muttered and licked into his mouth, parting his lips and exhaling sharply. 

Hyungwon released a gasp between their mouths and almost lost his balance, body still a little weak despite having eaten. Lack of sleep was difficult to compensate.

“Then make me forget,” he breathed out, curved lips still touching his. His thin arms circled the other man's neck with more vigour, to have more grip and be able to stay close, to melt into the other man's body.

_ If only you could just become part of him.  _

“How?” Hoseok asked and sunk his teeth into the crook of his neck, licking over the bite right after.

_ Touch him. _

Hyungwon licked over his lips, trying to compensate for the dryness he felt in his mouth and pressed a quick kiss to Hoseok’s curved mouth. He let his hands travel over the sculpted chest and abdomen, applying more pressure to feel more and be able to remember the way every inch of skin felt against his fingertips. It was dark and that was good, even if only the light reflecting off the water drops told him what he was being blessed with.

Inhaling sharply, Hyungwon put more distance between their bodies, leaving his hands and tongue that licked over an erect nipple as the only point of contact. He moved lower, licking over abdominal muscles and dipping his tongue into Hoseok’s navel as he sank to his knees, black tiles warm against his legs, heated up by the water.

“Oh god, Hyungwon.” Hoseok's voice seemed to be getting lower, probably due to arousal. The other man's fingers slipped into his wet hair, grabbing a fistful.

Hyungwon moaned although he hadn't even begun touching the beautiful man properly, blood rushing to his ears and sharp breaths leaving his lips, hitting the wet erection in front of him. The tip was glistening in the dimmed light.

There was something to the proximity and the responses of the blonde man that made him react. Breathing through his nose, he leaned in and covered the tip with his lips, sucking intently and tasting a little bit of precum on his tongue. Sparks passed through his lower body and legs at the sensation, hands reaching out to grasp Hoseok’s hips.

_ Pleasing him brings you pleasure. _

Because Hoseok was perfect and deserved everything.

Hyungwon sucked further and made his way downwards, fitting more and more of the other man's thick erection into his mouth. The blonde was really big, so he had to put more effort into this, inhaling through his nose and removing one hand from Hoseok’s hips, curling it around what he couldn't fit into his mouth instead. It was a little frustrating, like he was too slow, too inexperienced to give Hoseok what he needed although the sounds leaving the curved mouth told him otherwise.

The way Hoseok’s hand pulled at his hair, paired with low groans and tension in the muscular legs filled him with arousal, but Hyungwon tried to ignore it, focusing on the beautiful man instead, licking and sucking on his erection and stroking along the shaft.

“You make me go nuts, Hyungwon, fuck, your mouth feels like heaven.” The blonde man kept his hair in a tight fist and used the grip to push him further against his body, visibly struggling with inhibitions.

_ But why would he have to struggle if it makes him feel good? _

Hyungwon let the warm erection slip out of his mouth, feeling how his lips pulsated from the stretch and the blood that rushed through them.

“You could just-" Hyungwon swallowed, way too fucking hesitant to say it himself, face burning just like the arousal throughout his body. He wanted to make the other man moan with pleasure and fuck his mouth. “G-grab my hair tighter and-" 

He couldn't say it. Instead he leaned in again and rubbed Hoseok’s thick erection over his lips like the other man had done with him before, glancing up and enjoying how velvety the skin felt against his mouth and tongue.

“And what? You want me to fuck your mouth?” Hoseok looked beautiful, even if there wasn’t enough light to see all of it. The other man's lips were parted and his pink tongue kept licking over them.

Hyungwon nodded, swallowing again and licking over the exposed tip, foreskin pulled back with his hand. He couldn't look away from the beauty that was Hoseok’s broad body covered in shining sparks of light.

“Are you sure?” the blonde man asked but tightened his grip in Hyungwon's hair and curled his free hand around his own thick length, sliding the tip along Hyungwon's bottom lip. The arousal only increased as he couldn't help but moan at the sensation, lips parting almost instantly.

“Yes,” Hyungwon whispered, a little overwhelmed by the burning in his groin at the sight and feeling.

“Open your mouth,” Hoseok commanded and his low voice sent sparks down his groin. “Pinch me if something is up.”

_ He deserves everything. _

Hyungwon nodded slowly and followed through, exhaling through his nose to suppress a moan as he opened his mouth, looking up at the other man, hands holding onto the muscular thighs.

“You're fucking with my brain, Hyungwon.” Hoseok pulled his hair, making him throw his head back and parted his lips with his tip once again, sliding into his mouth slowly.

Hyungwon inhaled through his nose and held his breath, relaxing his throat just the way he had the first time in order to fit as much as possible. It was difficult to keep his eyes open with how his own body responded to the action, pleasure coursing through him at the motion alone in addition to how muscles contracted under his fingertips. He couldn't believe that he was the source of the blonde’s pleasure. He moaned at the thought, vibrations passing from his lips to the burning hot thickness in his mouth.

Hoseok used his grip on his hair to push him further, groaning at the action and staring down at him, watching his response intently. The gaze only added to the liquid fire that replaced his blood, exhales leaving his nose faster just like the moans that created vibrations, affecting the beautiful man above him just like they affected him. Hyungwon wanted him to feel even better, to do as he wished.

The other man must've been convinced enough to move out and slide back in with a low moan, raking through his hair and grabbing another fistful to keep him in place. Hoseok was still careful when he pushed himself into his mouth, making sure he could breathe and stroked over his cheeks before pulling his hair roughly.

_ He's not feeling good enough, he's too aware of his actions. You have to do better. _

Hyungwon didn't want to breathe, he wanted to lose himself in the sensation and forget his thoughts, moan at the feeling of the other man inside his mouth and make him go crazy. He tightened his hands in the muscles and used his grip to pull Hoseok further between his lips, mustering as much strength as he could. It hadn't been necessary as the beautiful man followed easily, like he hadn't wished for anything more than burying himself further. Hyungwon sensed tears burn in the corners of his eyes and moaned roughly, exhaling through his nose.

“Fuck, you must be so fucking tight,” the other man moaned, throwing his head back and speeding up, thigh muscles flexing under his fingertips as Hoseok pushed him further against his erection.

_ Give him more. _

Hyungwon held his breath, blinking to remove the collecting tears and allowed the other man to hit the back of his throat, moaning, whimpering and feeling how stars began to dance in front of his vision. It fit perfectly with how absolutely mesmerizing Hoseok looked, fully covered in water. His body was burning so much, arousal spiking up and making him want to just let go and be manhandled, used the way Hoseok wanted.

_ He wants you, you and your body. _

“Shit, I'm close, oh god.” He could clearly feel how Hoseok's thick erection twitched in between his lips, thigh muscles tensing impossibly before the other man pushed him against himself roughly and came down his throat, groaning his name repeatedly and panting as if he’d run a marathon.

Hyungwon swallowed although it wasn't really necessary, warm liquid running down his throat without his help. His hands were still buried in Hoseok’s hips as he sucked harshly and tried to keep himself from coughing, stars still littering his vision.

_ You made him feel this way. You've done well. _

He felt dizzy from the arousal that burned along his body, knees shivering against the wet tiles. The visual input hadn't been enough to send him over the edge, leaving him with the desire to have his hair pulled more and air taken away. He wanted Hoseok to increase the stars in front of his eyes as the beautiful man above him buried himself completely between his lips. He moaned again, inhaling through his nose to keep his awareness.

“Shit, you make me want you so fucking much, I can't even think properly,” Hoseok muttered and loosened the grip on his hair, pulling him up immediately and kissing his lips. Hyungwon’s legs gave out, unable to deal with kneeling on the ground for such a long time but Hoseok was fast to curl an arm around his waist and hold onto him. His body immediately reacted to the friction and he moaned into the blonde man's mouth, digging his fingers into his muscular shoulders and wishing for his body to finally calm down instead of replaying what had just happened in his head, only heightening his arousal.

_ It's about him, not you. _

“I really want to rim you and know what you feel like around my body and fuck you while standing, because you're so fucking light, shit.” Hoseok got quieter as the other man's eyes widened, probably becoming aware of what he had said out loud. The widened pupils allowed more light to be reflected, showing more of Hoseok’s absolutely overwhelming beauty.

Hyungwon's brain was quick to create an image of the uttered words, pale hands stroking over golden skin, thrusting up into a slim body. Just that it wasn't his own. He never imagined his own, it wasn't nowhere good enough.

_ That's why there is a perfect version of you in this world. _

He gasped, aroused by the image but bit his lip at the realization that it was supposed to involve his own body. His mouth was fine, it was pretty, like his brother’s, but the rest of his body wasn't, differences painfully obvious.

The arousal faded a little at the thought, not enough to give him peace but sufficient to open his eyes properly and focus on the beautiful face. He wanted to give Hoseok everything if that meant that he could see the same dark gaze.

“It's my turn now.” Hoseok licked over his lips and turned off the water, opening the door and grabbing one of the towels before he dried himself and Hyungwon's body. His heart was still beating fast just like his erection pressed against his abdomen, but he tried not to think about it too much, staring at Hoseok instead, watching the way the muscular shoulders flexed. He wanted to lick over them, taste the skin to remember again.

“Y- your body drives me mad,” he whispered, lips pulsating from his previous efforts and voice rough. He didn't sound like himself at all.

_ That's good, isn't it? _

“Gosh, if you knew, Hyungwon,” the blonde man muttered after letting out a low chuckle and grabbed his thighs, lifting him up like a bag or something equally light and stepping out of the shower.

_ You're like air compared to him, just like you wanted. _

Hyungwon yelped and curled his arms around the firm neck automatically, legs crossed behind Hoseok’s back. His body burned so much, but he couldn't help his awareness of his own naked body, so he grabbed Hoseok’s hair and clashed their lips together, attempting to focus on the other man again, bare the need for friction.

“I'm going to fuck you up,” Hoseok groaned into his mouth and moved towards the door, opening it and walking further until they reached his bedroom.

“I-" Hyungwon began but didn't know what to say, unsure whether he wanted Hoseok to focus on him even though his body begged for attention. “D-do you want to?”

_ You want to, fuck. _

“I want to, and I won't accept your bullshit about being ugly and whatnot.” He felt his own sheets against his back as Hoseok's broad and pale body crawled on top of him.

“Then t-touch me,” Hyungwon whispered and exhaled sharply, body reacting to the way Hoseok looked at him. It wasn't absolutely bright so he felt okay, focusing on the other man's curved lips and beautiful brown eyes. Warmth spread along his body as arousal burned through his veins. “I- I love you, Hoseok.”

“I love you too and I love your face and your body, your thighs and your long, slim arms, how you look at me and how you get shy when you think about me sexually, it's a struggle,” Hoseok whispered and attached his lips to one of his nipples, sucking on it harshly.

“Have you touched yourself apart from your dick, Hyungwon?” the other man asked suddenly, still busy licking over his chest.

_ Oh god. _

If Hyungwon's face hadn't already been red it would have reached lobster colour by now, breath hitching and eyes widening. The fact that he was lying naked on his bed with the man he thought about the most above him, wasn't much of a help, only adding up to it.

“I- I- well- Kyungwon kept telling me to but- no- I- oh god.”

“So you didn't, why? It feels nice.” Hoseok hummed against his navel and kissed down his happy trail, still acting as if the topic had been absolutely casual. It probably was, for him.

“I- I prefer to see other people feel p-pleasure,” he whispered, hoping that it made sense to the other man. “I just- I didn't really know how to do it right either and my body is strange anyway and I was just afraid that I'd ruin it for myself. It's not like- like I didn't want to.” Hyungwon closed his eyes, too embarrassed by the topic in addition to the way Hoseok’s lips felt against his skin. Arousal made everything so much more sensitive.

“I'd love to show you. Do you have lube?” Hoseok's mouth closed around a patch of skin right next to his erection, as if the other avoided it on purpose. Hyungwon saw himself twitch, a small spark passing along his legs.

“Y-yes, in the- oh god- drawer,” he forced out, pointing to the side without even pointing out which drawer, but he didn't really know. He hadn't been the one to put it there and hadn't touched it since. His heartbeat was drowning all other sounds with how he got nervous, worried that he wouldn't respond the way Hoseok wanted him to, ruining it for him. “B-but I'm not- ready or anything or- fuck.”

The blonde man stood up, walked over to the chest of drawers and opened the middle drawer before closing it again and opening the top one, smiling brightly. 

“Chill, everything will be fine, if you don't like it then screw it, but you have to try it once.” Hoseok pulled out the bottle and went out of the room for a couple of seconds before he came back, ripping a condom package open with his teeth.

_ Holy fucking shit. _

Hyungwon's eyes widened and he felt himself crawl up on the bed, pushing his legs together as panic spiked up, closely followed by thoughts of disappointing the other man, not being good enough and getting hurt because he had never done it before. Fuck.

_ You're such a panicky virgin, Hyungwon. Fuck. _

He was disgusted with his own reaction although he should have been happy that Hoseok wished to be close to him like that. It was pathetic, really. 

_ It means he likes your body, you idiot. _

He felt the other man's gaze on him as Hoseok's curved lips parted without letting out any sound.

“Uhm, I hope you didn't think that I would just randomly fuck you without any preparation or consent. Are you scared of me?” The other man stood at the edge of his bed, looking into his eyes intently and obviously searching for something.

_ Holy shit, you're so fucking dumb, Hyungwon. _

He shook his head furiously, relaxing a little and hoping that it was believable although it was exactly what he had thought, fuck.

“N-no, I just- I'm not scared of you, just of disappointing you- fuck. I want you to like it,” he whispered and held his weight with his thin arms, sitting on top of his pillow with his naked body. It felt strange somehow, being exposed like that. Hyungwon was never naked, but the way Hoseok looked at him felt like it was okay somehow.

_ Why would you think he'd fuck you? He might like your body but not like that. _

It was strange because it was exactly what the other man had told him in the shower, that he wished to be inside of him and expected him to be tight, but still his mind argued against it, forcing him to react emotionally.

“I don't want to think, Hoseok- it's irrational.”

“Fact is, you're absolutely gorgeous and I'd love to be inside you, but let's take it slow. I want to show you a little something first. There's a possibility that you'd stop thinking,” Hoseok commented and crawled on top of the bed, immediately catching his lips and licking into his mouth, soft moans leaving the other man and disappearing between their lips.

_ He thinks you're gorgeous. _

Hyungwon used it to distract himself, immediately kissing back and focusing on how wonderful the other man's lips felt against his own. His arms circled the broad neck and pulled Hoseok closer, fingers raking through his hair and enjoying the proximity. It still seemed like a dream that he was able to be close to someone like Hoseok, to touch and be touched.

“Let's see.” The blonde man started kissing his neck, going over his chest and stomach, further down until he settled between his legs. It was the same game all over again, Hoseok's pink, wet lips, his intense gaze and the way the other man slid the tip of his dick along the moist surface, staring into his eyes while going so.

“Oh god,” Hyungwon whispered and squeezed his eyes shut. But not because he hated the sight, not really, it was rather the liquid fire that spread from his groin although nothing had happened yet. It felt strange with how rarely he felt arousal, but seeing the beautiful man between his legs just hit him full force, like proof that it was real, paired with the feelings. “P- please.”

_ Please, what? _

“Mhm,” Hoseok hummed and he felt the vibrations against his tip before the other man had mercy on him, taking the tip into his curved mouth and sucking harshly.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon cursed and threw his head back, hitting the headboard because he had still been sitting up mostly. A viscous throbbing filled his head. Drawing a deep breath, he allowed his body to slip a little lower on the bed, getting more comfortable and spreading his legs almost automatically.

Hoseok sucked on his length slowly and Hyungwon could see how the other man took the condom out of the package and pulled it over his fingers. Next the bottle clicked open and Hoseok coated the condom-clad digits while tightening his lips around his dick.

Hyungwon would have panicked at the knowledge of something happening but the pleasure that rushed through his groin from the beautiful lips around him was enough of a distraction. He sucked air through his parted lips and kept his eyes closed as he tried to relax, not tense up as he always did.

He felt the slightly cool liquid spread against his entrance, fingers circling around it while Hoseok was giving him a heaven of a blowjob.

“H-holy shit,” Hyungwon muttered, adrenaline and arousal fighting for dominance over his body as he spread his legs a little further and curled his fingers into the pillow below him, holding on forcefully. It felt a little strange, warm but wet and definitely unusual but his mental images were enough to send a tingling sensation along his legs, imagining what Hoseok would be doing.

“Try to relax,” Hoseok commented before taking him into his mouth completely and letting it hit the back of his throat.

Hyungwon threw his head from side to side, loud moans leaving his parted lips as he lifted his hips automatically, yearning for more of the tight pleasure around him. His whole body contracted before relaxing again as he raised his knees a little, almost instinctively. Hoseok must've waited for it, breaching his body and sliding a digit inside him, curling it immediately. For the first second it seemed strange, light burn telling him that it wasn't meant to be until something convulsed and his vision blurred, sudden spark of pleasure filling him out and making his dick twitch in Hoseok’s mouth.

“Oh my fucking god,” he moaned and squeezed his eyes shut again, unsure of how to react and what to do and how to make it happen again without asking for it. It felt like the feeling blurred everything, covering him in a thick layer of pleasure.

_ It's perfect, fuck. _

Hoseok deepthroated him again and rubbed on a spot inside of him repeatedly.

Hyungwon lost it, legs spreading even wider and right arm letting go of the pillow as he covered his eyes with it and couldn't help the moans that spilled from his lips, loud and echoing in the room. His body burned and he could tell that his hips met each of the motions, evoking sounds that didn't even resemble his voice.

“I- fuck- Hoseok- oh my god-" he murmured, trying to explain himself but unable to do so. It seemed that the beautiful man didn't need him to. 

Hoseok let his erection slip out of his mouth for a second while still moving his finger.

“Put your legs on my shoulders, I'm kinda busy,” he commented with a low, rough voice and took him back into his warm, wet mouth.

_ He's gorgeous. _

Hyungwon lifted his legs, barely having the strength to do so and placed them on the broad shoulders, still covering his eyes with his arm and absolutely overwhelmed by the feelings coursing through his slim body. He loved it, he loved it so much that he was scared of what would happen once it was over.

“Oh my fucking god.” Placing his legs upwards must have done something as the pleasure blended all the way along his back and his thighs with the motion of Hoseok’s fingers. He was losing it, losing awareness and only basking in the beautiful sparks that filled out his vision.”I w-won't hold on m-much longer.”

“You don't have to, let me add another one and then you can be a good boy and come down my throat,” Hoseok groaned and took him back once again. He felt a stretch and another digit entering him, brushing over the sensitive spot somewhere inside him.

“Shit- shit shit shit shit,” he muttered, groaning loudly and trying to feel more, hips moving independent of his intentions, pushing against the fingers inside him to increase the feeling, to drown in it. He couldn't think even one coherent thought, barely aware of his surroundings apart from the burning in his body, erasing everything else. “Oh my god- fuck- I want you, Hoseok. I want you- I want you- I want you, fuck.”

The other man tightened his lips around him and slid all the way down, letting his tip hit the back of his throat and groaned against his dick while pumping his fingers inside him quickly.

The combination broke the circle of pleasure, explosion hitting him unexpectedly and forcing a scream from his throat, head sinking into the pillow and lungs begging for oxygen as his body gave out and he barely realised where his limbs were, vision blurry. He sucked in air through his parted lips, eyes remaining closed as blood rushed in his ears.

“I- I- oh god,” he mumbled, unsure of what to say and how to become aware again. He felt like he couldn't lift his legs even if he had wanted to.

Hoseok's lips left him just like the other man's fingers, as the blonde got rid of the condom and reached for a tissue, cleaning up the lube from between his legs. It was embarrassing but Hyungwon had absolutely no strength to move.

“You are so lucky, oh my god. And I am so lucky, fuck.” Hoseok placed kisses against his legs that were still resting on top of the other man's shoulders. Hyungwon would have removed them but he just couldn't, still breathing quickly and watching the way the other man covered his scarred skin in caresses.

_ He loves you, doesn't he? _

_ But what for? _

His chest burned a little at the sight and he gasped, eyes opening wide and focusing on the absolutely gorgeous man who was willing to be close to him like that. Hyungwon didn't know what Hoseok was talking about, saying that he was lucky.

_ Why would having you be lucky? _

Hyungwon didn't know about that but there was one thing he knew, and that was that he had no idea how he had managed to receive the affection and love of someone as beautiful and mesmerising as Hoseok. He almost cried at the thought, breaths speeding up and eyes burning a little.

_ Don't, he'll misunderstand. _

“I- I love you so much, Hoseok, thank you. Thank you so fucking much.”

“No, thank you, for letting me be close to you. It means so much to me,” the blonde man answered and leaned forward, kissing him and bending him in half at the same time. Hyungwon wanted him to do it all the time.

“You're a dancer, the stretch should be fine.” Hoseok grinned and kissed him once again.

He smiled but the words stirred an uncomfortable thought in his head, pulling out memories and actions that he was told not to think about.

_ You're a dancer who doesn't dance _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 15th of August at 2 AM CET.
> 
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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>   
>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

 

_ What’s the point in existing if you don’t get your shit done, Hoseok? _ __  
__  
He shrugged at his own thought, wanting to facepalm. Existing had always been better than not existing, no matter how busy he was. Thinking about it he was really conflicted, there was something about his life screaming at him that something had been off.   
  
_ You don’t study, you don’t dance and most importantly you don’t have sex. _ __  
__  
Having a relationship with Hyungwon somehow changed his patterns and he didn’t really want to go to parties anymore because there had only been two reasons to go.   
  
“Dancing and fucking, you’re not doing those anymore or what?” Kihyun commented, as if he was able to read his thoughts and threw an apple at him. He didn’t realize and it hit his head, it hurt. A lot.   
  
_ Maybe it will help you to get your shit together. What the fuck do you want, Hoseok _ ?   
  
He wanted to be able to finish his studies properly, to dance, to meet his friends, to make money, to help his family and to be with Hyungwon.   
  
_ Just fucking clone yourself already. _ __  
__  
There was a party in the evening and he had written to Hyungwon, telling him that he was going to go with Kihyun because the club played good music and he had the possibility to at least dance a little because he hadn’t been able to motivate himself to do it at home.   
  
_ No fucking. Just dancing. _ __  
__  
_ Your psychopharmacology exam is in two days, Hoseok, you fucking idiot. _ __  
__  
He sighed but turned to his best friend who was prepared to run away after deadass hitting his head with an apple.   
  
“I have a boyfriend but I’m still going. Let’s dance tonight.” He smiled and threw the apple back, but Kihyun had been prepared and caught the fruit on time.   
  
“Your boyfriend is weird, but who sucks even more is his brother. I hate him, did he really make innuendos towards me? Can you believe that? I thought my dick would never be able to recover from it.” His best friend started a rant that continued until Hoseok couldn’t hear him anymore as the other disappeared into his room.   
  
Hoseok had to admit that Kyungwon was a lot to take, but he really cared about Hyungwon. He thought that he shouldn’t have judged the other man based on a making out session in front of a bathroom and him climbing over the table to kiss him.   
  
_ As if you’re any better, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
Not really. Rather worse. The broke version.   
  
_   
  
  
Being broke was okay because it had been Kihyun’s turn to pay. He had a Heinecken because he wasn’t really in the mood to get drunk and his inhibitions were also much better when he wasn’t, but the slight warmth spreading through his body at the little alcohol made everything a little more bearable, just like his movements when he went to the dancefloor.   
  
_ At least you’re dancing. _ __  
__  
He felt more like himself on the dancefloor, moving his body to the heavy beat and surrounded by people he didn’t know and that didn’t know him. At least most of them.   
  
_ You can’t fuck half of gay Amsterdam and be all anonymous, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
He saw a couple of familiar faces, but it had always been like that and he simply smiled in a friendly way without any further innuendos and his previous hookups seemed to understand that he wasn’t searching for anything.   
  
__ You already have something.

_ Hyungwon. You have Hyungwon. _

A slim figure appeared in front of him, approximately his size and as the epileptic-style lighting finally calmed down he was met with an impossibly pretty face, big eyes, nice lips, a cute nose and the whole package framed by silver hair. It would have been strange on anybody Hoseok knew but the man in front of him managed to make it work, smiling brightly and easily adjusting to his movements, joining him.   
  
_ Handsome. _

“You look like you're good at filling out some empty space,” the pretty man commented and gestured at the area Hoseok had been dancing in. But the innuendo had been obvious after the following smirk, pulling the pretty mouth corners up.   
  
The silver-haired man was slim, but had broad shoulders and a lean body that was emphasized by black, tight jeans and a semi-loose, black silk shirt. Had Hoseok not had a ridiculously hot boyfriend and only one beer inside his system, the beautiful man would’ve definitely been on his lap in a matter of minutes.   
  
_ Not only on your lap. _   
  
He sighed.   
  
“I indeed am, but I also already have some space to fill.”   
  
_ As if. _

“Dramatic, mind joining me and my friend for some cocktails then? We're nice company.” The smirk easily transitioned back into an impossibly bright smile as a slim arm curled around his shoulders and delicate fingers gestured towards the seating area. “We'll buy- or rather my friend.”   
  
_ Oh no, does he want a threesome? Why now, Hoseok? Why is your luck like this? _ __  
__  
He looked to the ceiling, cursing out whatever deity decided to make him go through inhibition hell, before returning his gaze to the beautiful smiling face.

“I see you're already intrigued. No pressure, Hottie, I just like to look at pretty faces in my free time.” Hoseok hadn't even answered but the handsome man already begun pulling him off the dance floor, hands holding onto his biceps, squeezing a little.   
  
_ Oh for fuck’s sake. You should’ve jerked off. _ __  
__  
He eyed the seating area before almost getting a heart attack while walking. Hyungwon’s brother was sitting on one of the couches next to a broad shouldered man and explained something to him while drinking something that looked like a Zombie cocktail.   
  
__ Amazing. It already is a threesome, Hoseok. Hyungwon’s doppelganger, another super handsome dude and your sexual frustration. The best.

It only got worse as the hot guy attached to his arm, pulled him past all the other possible tables and people and stopped at the one with Hyungwon's brother, who took another big gulp of his cocktail and continued explaining something, it seemed to be a motion.

“I brought us more broad-shouldered company with nice thighs, boys,” the silver-haired man next to him exclaimed and pushed him on the couch next to Kyungwon, sitting down across from him himself. __  
__  
_ Just choke on something. _ __  
__  
He didn’t have anything to choke on so he covered his eyes with his palm, hoping that Kyungwon would save him with some shitty innuendo. 

But he didn't. Instead the other man was concentrated on elaborating on something that began to sound more and more like a dance step to the broad guy across from him. It was funny how cute the other guy’s face was despite his muscular body.

“The turn doesn't work when you use too much force, Hyunwoo, trust me- I tried, lots.”

His attention was focused on the pretty silver-haired man who grabbed his palm and pulled him a little closer, smiling at him.

“Won, would you get our friend a cocktail?”   
  
_ Hoseok, get a grip. _ __  
__  
“No thanks, I’m super fine, I think I’ll go back,” he answered and stood up, punching Kyungwon’s shoulder. “And you, use protection, my son.” He grinned and wanted to go back to the dancefloor, but two things were weird. First of all, Kyungwon almost flew against the wall when he punched him, exclaiming in surprise and turning around with wide eyes. Second, he just parted his lips and stared, curling long fingers around his cocktail glass. 

Hoseok’s eyes instantly took in the other man's attire. There were no cuts in his jeans, instead they were a little lose on the slim legs although they were meant to be tight. In addition a loose sweatshirt covered the pretty man until the neck. 

“H-Hoseok?”   
  
_ It’s Hyungwon. It’s Hyungwon, get a grip, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
He really wanted to choke. There was not enough space in his brain to process everything that went wrong and pinpoint the moment it had started flushing down the drain. Hyungwon hadn't told him that he was going anywhere. He hadn’t even answered his message to be exact. Anger started boiling in his veins at the other man’s form, sitting there, drinking a cocktail and talking to friends instead of answering his fucking messages. He was mad.   
  
“I thought you were Kyungwon.” Hoseok stared down at the slim figure and turned around, ready to leave.

“Woah- calm your tits, my friend. You're Hoseok? Shit- you're hot,” the silver-haired guy remarked and pushed him back to the couch, surprisingly strong for his slim build. “Kyungwon would be half naked and on Hyunwoo’s lap or have me on his by now, so you're pretty wrong there.”

Slim and long fingers curled around his wrist, holding onto it as Hyungwon didn't really say anything and merely put his head on his shoulder. 

“I missed you,” his boyfriend's low voice murmured against the skin of his neck.   
  
He almost turned into a butter puddle at the action but reminded himself of the fact that he was mad. For a reason.   
  
“Is that so? How come you’re here?” Hoseok ignored the silver-haired man and stared past him, focussing on a random person dancing.

Hyungwon lifted his head to reply but his friend was faster.

“I threatened to put a video of him bawling his eyes out over a Disney movie on Twitter and forced him to come, what else would it be? You thought he would come all by himself and you call yourself his boyfriend at the same time?” The silver-haired man pulled his lips into a thin line, making him look cute and dangerous at the same time. “I'm trying to make him loosen up and you're not really helping right now.”   
  
_ Why would he care about your feelings, Hoseok? He doesn’t know you. _ __  
__  
“True. I’ll go dance some more and you can loosen up all together.” He looked into the handsome face, not giving a single shit about the other being dangerous or whatnot. He was not in the mood for that. Placing his palm on Hyungwon’s thigh and squeezing a little, he whispered ‘have fun’ into his small ear and stood up, making his way towards the dancefloor.    
  
It took approximately two seconds until thin arms curled around his waist from behind and a body attached itself to his.

“Don't leave, please,” Hyungwon whispered into his ear and tried to hold on tighter, but it was barely perceivable. “Did- did I upset you somehow? I'm sorry if I did. Please tell me.”   
  
_ How are you supposed to be angry like this? _ __  
__  
He had no fucking idea, Hyungwon was able to make a soft mango out of him as soon as he came close, or said something. Hoseok couldn’t hold back any longer and turned around, curling his arms around Hyungwon’s pretty waist and leaned closer to the other man’s beautiful face.   
  
“Because you didn’t answer my message and then I see you here while I’m trying to be all faithful and nice while you’re drinking with your friends. Don’t misunderstand me, it’s fine, I would’ve simply liked to know that you were going out today.” He sighed and closed his eyes briefly.   


Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he bit his lip, examining his face carefully. The other man's reactions were a little slower than usual.

“B- but didn't you say that you have an exam and a lot of things to do? I just thought writing would only distract you further, make you worry and remind you of the fact that you have a boyfriend that can't fucking take care of himself and needs shitloads of attention when you should be studying and being productive instead. It just seemed like I would only be a bother to you,” Hyungwon muttered and pulled himself a little closer to Hoseok, pressing a kiss to his lips. “I am so happy that you are here because I am able to see you and I missed you so much and couldn't think about anything else apart from my wish to make you feel good and react the way you have before, Hoseok.”   
  
He wanted to start explaining how Hyungwon’s monologue didn’t make sense, giving examples and prove the other man wrong, but the last sentence left the words stuck inside his throat.   
  
_ He what? _ __  
__  
“Listen, the club is a very bad place to make me sexually frustrated, I’m already dying because I didn’t see you for a week, don’t do this to me.” Hoseok closed his eyes again and hoped Hyungwon would just turn back into adorable mode and leave his fantasies where they belonged.

“Would you like to have sex, Hoseok?” Hyungwon whispered, exhaling against his lips as if he was doing it on purpose, but there was no way, eyes big and attention dropping every few seconds. He must have drunk more than one third of his Zombie cocktail.   
  
What was he supposed to say? Of course he wanted to have sex, he always wanted to have sex, it was more a state rather than a random wish.   
  
“I- why are you asking me that? You’re being strange today,” he murmured and remembered how the other man had told him that he detested public display of affection, whereas they had been standing in a huge crowd basically making out.

“Because I have never been as aroused as when I was able to bring you pleasure, Hoseok. I loved seeing you moan, enjoy it and react and to touch your perfect skin. If sex is what you want I would love to see you do it.” Hyungwon spoke without stuttering, only the tone highs were a little off, another sign of alcohol intake.   
  
“You want to see me do it? What are you talking about, Hyungwon?” He was so frustrated because the words evoked arousal but at the same time his brain tried to turn on the siren.

“I want to see you fuck someone beautiful, someone attractive. Like- like Kyungwon, he's gorgeous- or Minhyuk. You've met him, he's the one with the really pretty silver hair. I just love your body and would love to see it feel pleasure, I want you to feel good,” Hyungwon murmured and buried his head in his shoulder, hands tightening in his skin and full lips attaching to his neck.   
  
He felt like throwing up.   
  
_ You’re like nice porn to watch, because your body is pretty. _ __  
__  
Feeling nausea crawling up his stomach, he swallowed a couple of times, trying to get the feeling of disgust out of his perceptions but it kept reappearing.   
  
“I’m afraid you’ll have to find someone else pretty to fuck your brother and friend.” He peeled the thin arms away from himself and turned around. He wanted to leave, so badly. In the end it didn’t matter why Hyungwon had said those things, it didn’t matter to him whether the other man had said it because he felt self conscious about himself, or didn’t consider himself worthy, it didn’t make it better. What hurt the most was the fact that his own opinion didn’t seem to matter.   
  
__ He’s not interested in that.

“But you want it and I can't give it to you,” Hyungwon whispered behind him, voice cracking and something that sounded dangerously close to a sob left the other man's throat. Hyungwon's arms closed around his leg as the other sank to the floor, not letting go and hiding his face in the fabric of his jeans. It was scary. “I'm sorry, Hoseok- fuck- I don't know what's wrong with me. I loved what you were doing to me but I'm so fucking scared I won't be good enough. I struggle with reacting to my own body and you manage, but what if it won't be enough? Will you be fine fucking me in the dark until the day you die? Shit-”   
  
“You’re coming with me,” Hoseok answered and reached down to pull him up, grabbing him by the waist and walking towards the exit. “You don’t understand anything, Hyungwon, you have no fucking idea about what I think or what I want,” he hissed, overwhelmed by the transition between disgust, sadness and adrenaline that his body managed to bridge, making him want to curl up under a blanket and cry in frustration.

“I'm sorry,” the other man whispered, tears streaming down his face without a break.

Just before they reached the exit another hand grabbed his arm forcefully and pulled him back.

“Where the fuck do you think you're going and why is Hyungwon crying? What did you do?” Minhyuk hissed at him, eyes narrowing and holding onto Hyungwon's waist at the same time.   
  
Hoseok really didn’t have enough resources to be nice and politically correct, thinking about everybody around him and choosing the appropriate answer.   
  
“I’m going to take him home, he’s sad because I told him that I don’t want to fuck you, handsome fucker. I’m going to take care of him because there seems to be a thing we need to talk out.” Hoseok loosened his grip on Hyungwon’s waist a little.   
  
_ But there’s a person whose opinion is still relevant to you. _ __  
__  
“You can also stay here, Hyungwon. As you want.”

Hyungwon swallowed, tightening his grip on Hoseok’s arm as he peeled his friend’s fingers off his waist. 

“Shit- did he say that? What the fuck, Hyungwon?” the silver-haired man exclaimed, expression difficult to read.

“Let's talk later,” his boyfriend replied quietly, tears still running down his face.   
  
“I’ll take care of him. Don’t worry.” Hoseok tightened his grip again and stepped out into the cool night air. It was almost silent outside, only a couple of people smoking leaned against the building, but otherwise absolutely quiet. Turning around, he looked into Hyungwon’s face.   
  
“Do you want me to take you home, Hyungwon?” he asked, his own tears threatening to spill at the crazy emotional rollercoaster and the sight of Hyungwon crying so bitterly.

“N-no, I want to be with you,” Hyungwon sobbed and intertwined their fingers, leaning against his shoulders again. “I'm sorry- I'm a mess when I drink. I'm not supposed to.”   
  
“I’ll stay with you.” He lifted his right hand and let his fingers intertwine with the black strands of Hyungwon’s hair, stroking over them softly.   
  
_ He’s drunk, but it’s still fucking sick. _

“P- please.”   
  
He called a taxi and Hyungwon almost fell asleep on his shoulder, but woke up as soon as they arrived. Getting out at the familiar stairs, he looked back at Hyungwon, who was simply standing there without moving.   
  
“I’ll carry you up,” Hoseok whispered and turned around, leaning down such that the other man could climb onto his back.

Hyungwon did, circling his arms around his neck and resting his head on his shoulder, exhaling slowly.

“Thank you, Hoseok. Thank you for bothering with me,” he whispered.   
  
“If you tell me that I’m bothered one more time, I’ll leave you lying on the stairs and go lie in your bed and eat your food and like your thigh pics on twitter, commenting embarrassing stuff under it.” Hoseok smiled and walked up the stairs, wondering how the other man could be so tall and barely weigh anything.

“Oh no, not the thigh pics,” Hyungwon murmured and chuckled, pressing a kiss to Hoseok’s neck. “You're so strong, my kink.”   
  
“Exactly, I’m strong and you won’t be able to get rid of me, so don’t bother.” He sunk down in front of the familiar black door and waited for Hyungwon to open it. 

The other man was even more clumsy than usual, laughing at himself a little until he finally stumbled in, tears drying on his face. It was obvious that Hyungwon was tipsy. Very tipsy.   
  
“Drink a fat glass of water and let’s brush our teeth.” Hoseok took off his shoes and went to the kitchen, filling a big glass with water before going back to Hyungwon.

The black-haired man was leaning against the wall and examining him, lower lip caught between his teeth.

“I'd rather suck you off though,” he commented and looked up, meeting Hoseok’s gaze.   
  
_ No. no no no no no. _   
  
“No, you won’t, you’ll drink the water and then you’ll brush your pretty teeth, Mr. Dentist.” He swallowed at the incredibly arousing gaze and turned around so as to not torture himself further.

“But why?” Hyungwon asked, emptying the glass of water and putting it on a shelf behind himself before curling his arms around Hoseok and pressing their lips together. “You could sleep with me. You said I would be tight.”   
  
_ Oh god, why? _ __  
__  
Hoseok kissed back before taking the other man’s hand and dragging him behind himself, in the direction of the bathroom.   
  
“Brush your teeth, Hyungwon.” He roamed through the shelves until he found his own toothbrush and squeezed some toothpaste on it, brushing his teeth furiously.

The other man appeared more hesitant, watching him for a while before he finally grabbed his own toothbrush and got to work, staring at his hands as the mirror was completely covered in post-its. Once Hyungwon was finished he didn't say anything and merely walked out of the bathroom, disappearing through to door to the bedroom. Hoseok spit out the toothpaste and washed his brush, running after the other man right after.

Hyungwon was lying on his bed, still in his club attire and curled up, staring at his knees without moving when Hoseok entered. It looked vulnerable, almost like a child.   
  
“Do you sleep in pyjamas? Where are they?” He pulled his shirt over his head and slipped out of his ripped jeans, staying in underwear and waiting for an answer.

“T-shirt and sweatpants,” Hyungwon remarked and pulled the blanket over his body. “But I'm fine like this.”   
  
“No, you’re not.” Hoseok pulled the blanket away and crawled on top of the other man, opening his pants and pulling them down the pretty, long legs.

Hyungwon tensed but let him, uncurling himself to make it easier for him and watching him intently. The light was on but still the black-haired let him do it. It was at least something. The other man’s shirt joined the party before Hoseok walked to the wardrobe and pulled a shirt and thin sweatpants out of the first shelf, walking back to the beautiful, almost naked man who lay on the bed in all his glory, long body on display. He was everything Hoseok had liked and more, forcing him to stare with his mouth slightly parted.   
  
“Uhm, this? Is this ok?” he asked and held the clothes for Hyungwon to judge.

“Y-yeah,” the beautiful man muttered and visibly tried not to look at himself, big, brown eyes not leaving Hoseok’s for even a second.   
  
“Okay, I- should I?” The mesmerizing sight had thrown him off for a second before he shook his head at himself and closed the distance, pulling the pants up Hyungwon’s gorgeous legs.

Suddenly long fingers raked through his blonde hair and pulled him towards the other man's pretty face, his right thigh ending up between the other's lean ones.

“Sleep with me,” Hyungwon whispered, voice a little shaky and eyes still big, illuminated by the lamp above their heads.   
  
_ He cried, Hoseok, and he told you to fuck his brother and his friend. He’s drunk. No. _ __  
__  
He closed his eyes because it was hard, it was hard to suppress the wish to do something he had wanted to do for such a long time. But it wasn’t what Hyungwon wanted. He had been scared before and it must’ve been the alcohol.   
  
“Next time,” he whispered, voice strained and pulled the other man’s pants up, placing a kiss on the sharp collarbone.

“Next time,” Hyungwon repeated but his voice sounded strange. The handsome man lifted his arms, helping Hoseok to pull the t-shirt over his head and curled up in the thick blanket, staring ahead without saying another word.   
  
“Why? You don’t like the prospect?” Hoseok lay down next to Hyungwon and stared back, after crawling under the blanket the other man had tried to cuddle.

“No, it's great, let's do that.”   
  
“Does it even matter what I say or think?” he whispered back and closed his eyes, the adrenaline was making him so incredibly tired.

“It's the only thing that matters to me, Hoseok. Just sometimes I'm not sure if I'm getting it right,” Hyungwon replied, big eyes settling on his again, appearing so impossibly sad.   
  
“I’m not sure about that. It seems as if it doesn’t matter at all, no matter how many times I say something, it still produces the same outcome. But maybe it’s me, I’m really good at letting people ignore my needs.” Hoseok chuckled to himself and lifted a hand, stroking over the other man’s styled, black hair.

“And I'm really good at believing things only to return to the painful truth again,” Hyungwon whispered, lower lip quivering as if holding back before the other man closed his eyes slowly.   
  
“What is that ‘painful truth’, Hyungwon?” Hoseok grabbed the other man’s chin and lifted it up.

“That even if you love me and say that you find me attractive, actions speak louder than words.” A tear rolled past the corner of Hyungwon's right eye as he inhaled sharply and turned around, avoiding the contact as the other man's body shivered.   
  
_ He thinks you don’t find him attractive because you didn’t sleep with him? Seriously? _ __  
__  
“Okay, listen up before I pass out from all the adrenaline. You told me to fuck your brother and your friend like some kind of cheap pornstar, obviously not giving a single shit about my humble feelings and the fact that I rejected both of them because I want you and only you. You expect me to have sex with you after you drank and I don’t even know if it’s something you really want? You think I don’t want to fuck you? I want to fuck you 24/7, you gorgeous asshole.” Hoseok didn’t have enough oxygen to continue, lungs burning from the strain and the feeling of injustice. He felt like crying.

Hyungwon sat up, removing the blanket from his body before he simply lay down on top of him, burying his head in the crook of Hoseok’s neck and sobbing quietly.

“I- I just thought it would make you happier- you said you struggled with being faithful and that you suffer from sexual tension, but who the fuck am I to tell you to wait for me if I look like this, Hoseok? I'm not the cherry on top of the cake, I'm not even one of the fucking layers. I'm that thin paper that keeps the plate clean and that you easily cut with the knife accidentally, annoyed that it's still there. Minhyuk and my brother are beautiful, like you. They have perfect skin and they are admirable. I just felt- felt like you would be happier close to someone like that. I love to see you feel good, to be the reason for it, but if someone else can be better, then it should be them.”   
  
The monologue sent shivers down his spine, it was simply crazy. He couldn’t believe that someone was able to have thoughts like that.   
  
“First, I’m the cake and you’re the knife cutting me every time I tell you that I love you and want to be next to you. Second, that’s your absolutely irrational opinion. You think Kyungwon and Minhyuk are beautiful? Good for you. I want you, Hyungwon, with all your crazy ass thoughts and your unrealistic body image and whatnot. I just don’t want to fuck you just because you feel bad towards me. This is not how it’s supposed to work. I want to fuck you when you really want to be close to me like that.” He felt so extremely frustrated, not only because of all the previous craziness and the irrational talk, but also because the other man’s beautiful, long body just lay on top of him as if he wasn’t suffering while rejecting sex a minute ago.

“Hoseok, I- I think I really need to hear it. W-what did you think and feel when you saw my body in the light? Without clothes? Please tell me the truth.” Hyungwon pushed himself even closer, light body resting on his chest and hot breaths tickling his neck. “I love you so much and I know that you love me. I'm just so scared of not being good enough.”   
  
“You want to know? I thought that you looked gorgeous, with your long legs and how your skin has this beautiful golden colour. I loved how lean your thighs are, although they’re slim, your stomach and your pretty navel. In summary, it made it so fucking hard to not jump on your ‘sleep with me’ train. Shit.” He closed his eyes and bit down on his lip. Hyungwon had been sent down for him to fucking suffer for all those one night stands.

“Y- you mean it,” the black-haired man gasped and stroked over his cheek, head lifting and staring at his face in absolute wonder, like he couldn't imagine that someone would feel this way.

“Why does my head do this to me? I hate it.”

Pressing their lips together, Hyungwon exhaled roughly and looked up again, appearing hesitant.

“C-can I share something with you? A thought?”   
  
“You can share whatever you want as long as it doesn’t involve me fucking your relatives or friends because I might just throw up,” Hoseok answered and kissed back.

Hyungwon hesitated, which was a bad sign.

“N-not really, it's mostly about me. I- I never really imagine myself when I- when I touch myself. I focus on others, on aesthetically pleasing sights, emotionally relevant occurrences. I think about you a lot, about touching you and pleasing you with my mouth and hands. But-” The black-haired man hesitated and swallowed. “But when you talked about sleeping with me, doing things to me, my brain just didn't want to imagine my body, it imagines a perfect person, a beautiful one and- and that's not me, it's him. I- I don't know why it's like this, I didn't mean to push my images on you, Hoseok, I'm sorry.”   
  
_ Well that’s some fucked up stuff. _ __  
__  
“I’m going to have sex with you and film it and then force you to watch it three thousand times because it’ll be beautiful.” He grinned. “Listen, your brother, he’s a fun asshole, but the only reason I’ve actually made out with him was because I thought he was you. I don’t understand why this body thing is so important to you. I mean sure, I do love your body, but I never really think about it in the amount you do? For me it’s just a part of who you are. It doesn’t define who you are.” Hoseok leaned forward and licked over Hyungwon’s pretty, full lips because it was tempting.

The smile that met his eyes as soon as they parted was breathtaking, bright and pulling the plump lips wide.

“Thank you for loving me for who I am. Being with you really makes life worth living,” the black-haired man whispered and closed the distance again, licking into his mouth and stroking along his back. “I have better days and worse days. I beat myself up for all kinds of mistakes I do, but no one has ever cared as much despite everything as you do. People just preferred Kyungwon before. Whenever I liked someone, they would fall in love with Kyungwon, so I had to look at it, see them be close and deal with it somehow. Maybe that was my compensation strategy.” Hyungwon chuckled and placed his right thigh between Hoseok’s legs, probably for comfort.   
  
“I wish you wouldn’t need compensation strategies. Either way, I’m tired but I’m determined to do everything to make you and myself happy. Let’s see how that goes. And that thigh of yours makes me regret my decisions,” he commented and curled both arms around the other man, pressing him closer and breathing in his scent.

“I love you,” Hyungwon simply replied and circled his whole body around him, tightly attached and beginning to breathe more slowly.   
  
“I love you too. Whoever you are,” Hoseok whispered and closed his eyes, consciousness slipping from in between his fingers, leaving him in a thick realm that had nothing to do with reality.   
  


  
***

 

The first thing that his body registered was the mind blowing heat around his body, enveloping him whole like a heavy weight. Like sleeping inside a volcano. Trying to shift, he was met with his second sensation of the day, pain. His head hurt like a bitch and Hyungwon was barely able to move, pain almost crippling in its intensity.

_ Good that you have dealt with worse before. This is nothing compared to emotional pain. _

It seemed like the Egyptians had assumed him dead and entered that acid-like liquid into his brain through his nose, to turn it into mush, without actually removing it. They should have.

_ Why did you drink? You're not allowed to, Hyungwon, it only solves your issues for two hours maximum. _   


He tried to shift again only to remember the heavy weight on top of him, quickly followed by a shift of said weight and a heavy exhale. Suddenly his own concerns were absolutely irrelevant.

_ Hoseok. _

He was an idiot, a mental and completely fucked in the head idiot.

_ You told him to fuck your brother, Hyungwon, or Minhyuk. _

Sure, aesthetically the vision might have been pleasing but not when he was the one in love with the blonde man on top of him and concerned about being attractive enough. If Hoseok had slept with Kyungwon or Minhyuk, just for the hell of it, the other would have probably considered them more attractive and wouldn't have a reason to wish to sleep with Hyungwon anymore. It was destructive towards his own happiness.

Sure, Kyungwon and him were very close and he was pretty convinced that he could point out every mole on the other man's body and draw every detail, if he had any artistic talent that is, but still they weren't the same. The doc had told him to stop trying to live through his brother but here he was.

_ You idiot. Even Hoseok told you yesterday and here you are doing it again. _

It was like a vicious cycle, Hoseok told him his feelings, building up his confidence only for Hyungwon to doubt his love and attraction the next day, as if it was nothing.

_ You asked him to sleep with you. _

Hyungwon felt like in those bad movies in which the main character slowly remembered all the mistakes of the past day, returning one by one at the wrongest of moments. He was utterly crazy for asking Hoseok like that, drunk and desperate because he had felt disgusting that day, subconsciously scratching and creating a small wound on his neck. That might have been his reason for drinking too, wishing to not feel ugly for a few hours.

A memory of himself on the ground of the club, holding onto Hoseok’s leg and crying returned to his mind.

_ Well that went well. _

He had showed Hoseok his mostly naked self in bright lighting, even seen how fascinated the blonde man had been, unable to look away and return to what he had wished to do. Hyungwon couldn't understand it because he didn't feel the same way but he knew it was the truth. Hoseok considered him genuinely attractive.

_ Now you just need to continue believing it. _

_ He must be scared of your mind at this point, of the things you said, asking him to do things he probably considers sick and would never want to do. _

The beautiful man must have been scared, but not enough to leave, still lying on top of him and spreading warmth through his legs. It was nice.

_ He must really love you, now you just need to make sure that he thinks that you are worthy, because you're not. _

Hyungwon's eyes opened instantly although it was a little painful, body not accommodated to drinking and it's side effects at all. Hoseok was lying on top of him, hand gripping the sheets next to Hyungwon's shoulder and pulling at them a little. The other man seemed restless, shifting again and breathing heavily. 

_ Is he dreaming? _

Blinking briefly, Hyungwon lifted himself up a little, such that Hoseok’s head was mostly lying on his lap. There were thick drops of sweat rolling down the other man's forehead as another heavy breath passed through the curved lips.

_ He must be having a nightmare. _

It was difficult not to be concerned, so Hyungwon decided to act, brushing over the muscular shoulders carefully and shaking them a little, trying to wake the other man up.

There was a shift as the pale hand grabbed his own, squeezing it painfully before Hoseok opened his eyes and stared at him for what felt like a whole minute.

Hyungwon forced himself not to whimper at the way the blonde hurt his hand and bit down on his lower lip instead, taking the pain.

“A-are you okay?” he forced out, using his free hand to brush a few sweaty strands out of Hoseok’s eyes. He was soaked.

“No,” Hoseok answered, let go of his hand and sat up on the bed. The other focused his gaze on nothing specific.

_ You need to help, what do you need after a nightmare? _   
  
It had been a long time since Hyungwon had suffered from a nightmare, for that his real life was doing too much of a good job. 

Swallowing, he reached out and curled his arms around Hoseok’s back, pulling him closer towards himself and stroking over the blonde strands. He didn't know what to say, there wasn't really anything he could have said, especially since he didn't know what Hoseok had dreamt. So he just stayed as close as possible, listening to the irregular exhales and caressing the sweaty skin.

A drop fell on top of his hand all of a sudden before another one joined.

_ He's crying, Hyungwon. What the hell are you doing? _

He sat up properly and took Hoseok’s pale face in his palms, pressing a quick kiss to the curved lips before surrounding the other man with his arms again. He didn't know what to do, he had never seen Hoseok cry before.

“It'll be okay, Hoseok,” he whispered, pressing a kiss to the blonde’s cheek, neck and ear, continuing on while whispering reassurances, words that he never applied to himself but was easily able to apply to others. “I love you, please don't cry.

There was no answer, the tears just stopped after a short while and Hoseok took his hand and stroked over the back with his thumb.

“Do you have a hangover?”

Hyungwon couldn't help but feel shocked at how selfless the man in front of him acted towards him, ignoring the fact that he himself was absolutely devastated but still asked about Hyungwon's wellbeing.

_ How did you manage to deserve someone like that? _

“If you mean that the Egyptians melted my brain and forgot to take it out, then yes, I have a hangover,” Hyungwon replied, trying to be funny to cheer the other man up. The way Hoseok stroked over the back of his hand was nice, reassuring somehow although he should have been the one to reassure the blonde.

“You should drink a lot then.” Hoseok pulled him into his embrace, curling both arms tightly around him before falling back onto the sheets. “Are you okay again? Or do you still want to watch me fuck your friend?”

_ You're fucked up, Hyungwon, simply fucked up. _

“W-what? No- I mean- I'm happy when y- you're with me and I don't think we're at the point to think about- ehm- t-threesomes yet.” He couldn't fucking talk. That had always been the advantage of alcohol, giving him the ability to speak without stuttering and embarrassing himself.

_ Apart from saying things you shouldn't be saying. There are some things that just shouldn't be shared, Hyungwon. _ __  
__  
“Are you sure you’re sober? Talking about threesomes? Either way, I’m happy that you’re back to sanity.” The blonde man pulled his body on top of himself. On top of a rather prominent erection to be precise.

_ Are you back to sanity? _

Hyungwon gasped and pressed his face to Hoseok’s shoulder to hide possible signs of embarrassment. His brain tended to be rather destructive in the morning, so morning wood was something to fade as quickly as it came.

The blonde smelt really nice despite having just woken up, a mixture of Hyungwon's sheets and something that was inherently him, manly somehow but with a hint of sweetness. It fit him really well.

“You smell like a strong man with flower tattoos, I love it,” he whispered and inhaled again, crawling a little further up on top of Hoseok to be able to put his elbows next to his head. He thereby shifted on top of the blonde’s probably rather sensitive crotch and hoped it was still okay.

_ He makes you completely forget your headache, doesn't he? A keeper. _ __  
__  
“Mhm, have you already thought about a way to make up for all the resources it cost me to deny you sex yesterday?” Hoseok’s curved mouth spread in a grin.

Hyungwon examined him for a few seconds, the way there was a little bit of blush on the pretty face, how the erection pressed into his thigh and how he absolutely loved to see Hoseok feel good and react.

He swallowed, still feeling a little hesitant and propped up on his palms, crawling lower until his hands were on each side of the beautiful man's hips. Glancing up and chewing his cheek he reached out and lifted the waistband of Hoseok’s briefs away from his skin, mentally begging to not be met with rejection.

“W-would this be okay?”   
  
“Depends on what you plan on doing.” The blonde man propped up on his elbows and licked his lips.

_ Don't do the thing that he's not okay with then, please. _

Hyungwon was not going to say his plans out loud and compromise the colour of his face, so he pulled the briefs down Hoseok’s muscular thighs and leaned down, licking a stripe from the shaft to the tip of his erection.

“This,” he whispered and closed his lips around the slightly darker head, sucking lightly, foreskin pulled back.

Hoseok moaned in reply, muscular thighs tensing under his arms and threw his head back.

“Fuck.”

Fuck was good, Hoseok had said so himself when he reduced Hyungwon to variations of curses only.

_ Make him lose it like last time, he was fucking gorgeous when you did. Unless he wants more. _

Hyungwon added more pressure, tightening his lips and letting his tongue dig into the slit before he let go and glanced up again.

“U-unless you want me to do more that I know absolutely n-nothing about,” he stuttered and stroked the thick erection in his hand to bridge the time it wasn't in his mouth. “You could- could show me what you like.”

“You mean fingering? I'm not a fan of friction, but I do use plugs when I have sex, occasionally.” Hoseok grabbed a fistful of his hair. “What do you like, Hyungwon? This party is not about my pleasure only, I feel pleasure when you feel pleasure too.”

They were similar, feeling pleasure because of the other person's reactions. Just that Hoseok probably didn't come just because he was able to touch him. Of course not, why would he?

_ But what do you like, Hyungwon? _

_ You like it when he fucks your face and goes mad. _

“Ehm- I- I like it when you p-pull my hair and-" He stopped talking because it felt like his whole body was on fire from the words alone although he hadn't spoken them yet. “I- I love it when you just m-move as you want, I- I react to that although it's weird.” Hyungwon felt so nervous saying all of that although there was no reason for Hoseok to judge him for it. The other man had just admitted to using butt plugs during sex after all. Hyungwon had no problem with making remarks next to Minhyuk but being next to the person he actually wanted to do it with made it so much more difficult.

_ Unless you're drunk, then you just say it all. _

Suddenly the grip in his hair tightened and Hoseok pulled it, forcing him to throw his head back, before the other man lifted his upper body and leaned closer, licking over his parted lips right after.

“Do you like being submissive, Hyungwon?” Hoseok's voice was so impossibly low.

Hyungwon moaned although he hadn't meant to, fingers curling further around the erection in his hand and the soft pale skin of Hoseok’s hips. The slight pain at his scalp and the arousing voice sent sparks right to his groin.

“I-" he gasped, unsure how to respond.

_ Do you? _

“W-what does that entail?” he asked quietly and held his breath, unable to look away from the way the other man's pink tongue traced his curved lips. Hyungwon wanted to touch them with his own.

“Well,” Hoseok started and pushed him down against his groin, taking his erection into his own hand and parting Hyungwon's lips with it. “It would mean that you would enjoy something like this, getting pleasure from someone, in this case me, doing things to and with you.”

Hyungwon’s body was ridiculously obvious in what it reacted to as he could feel his own erection pressing against the fabric of his briefs, the second layer of sweatpants only adding up to the feeling of restraint. He moaned and opened his mouth properly, making it easy for Hoseok to slide in if he would have wanted to.

_ Kyungwon kept joking that you're a cock slut. He was right, wasn't he? _

“I see we will have a lot of fun together, you and I,” Hoseok groaned and pushed himself into his mouth, tilting his head with the tight grip on his hair.

_ Fuck. _

Hyungwon moaned, sending vibrations through the other man and curled his hands into the sheets next to Hoseok’s hips, relaxing his jaw and allowing the blonde to move as he liked. Fuck, his body was burning at the sensation, fabric too much and body contact not enough.

_ Since when do you want to be undressed? _

He didn't know, but he also couldn't really focus, loving the way Hoseok grabbed his hair and just did as he liked, pulling him up and pushing his head back down on his erection. Fuck.

“I want you to be naked,” Hoseok's low voice commanded and he felt how the grip on his hair loosened and the other man lifted him up like a doll, pulling his sweatshirt over his head and hissing right after.

The room was absolutely bright, light shining through the windows, blinds opened fully, and revealing every inch of his skin in a matter of seconds. Hyungwon couldn't help but feel self-conscious, wishing to just return to pleasing Hoseok and forget about his hatred for his skin and the way he looked. Hoseok’s thighs were beautiful, almost milky in how pale they were, so he stared at them, licking over his lips and trying not to panic.

“You asked me what I like? Manhandling your naked body. I'll treat you nicely after that, promise.” Hoseok smirked and crawled up, pulling Hyungwon's pants down along with the underwear. “Shit, you're so pretty, all for me.” The blonde man licked over his lips and pulled down his own underwear.

_ He thinks you're pretty, genuinely pretty. _

“I-" Hyungwon began but stopped again, feeling the blush spread over his face and neck. It was intense to have someone stare at his naked body like that but Hoseok was visibly enjoying it, erection still upright and absolutely gorgeous. “P-please m-manhandle me.”

_ What the fuck, Hyungwon? _

Hoseok nodded and curled his fingers around his tiny waist, pulling him up such that he leaned with his back against the headboard. Crawling up, Hoseok positioned his thighs on each side of his hips and came closer, parting his lips with the tip of his gorgeous dick.

“Do you want me to fuck your mouth, babe?” The blonde man smirked, eyes almost black from how the pupil took over the iris.

_ Oh god, he called you ‘babe’. _

Shit, Hyungwon wanted him to, he really did. His erection twitched at the thought and he gasped, nodding quickly and opening his mouth as he relaxed his throat, arousal burning along his body.

“Fuck, your lips are a whole kink.” Hoseok pushed himself in while curling the fingers of his right hand into his black hair. Hyungwon moaned, letting his eyes flutter shut for a few seconds before opening them again, wanting to see Hoseok’s expression, how much he liked it.

The blonde man was moaning while moving in and out of his mouth, pulling his hair to bury himself deeper and groaned his name, movements getting more urgent and quick.

Hyungwon felt tears prickle in his eyes at the way Hoseok almost hit his throat with the tip of his erection, thick and spreading his lips wide. He could feel them tingle from the stretch but enjoyed every second of it, it was simply crazy. His body was still burning from arousal, increasing just like the speed with which the blonde thrust inside his mouth.

Inhaling through his nose and holding his breath, Hyungwon grabbed Hoseok’s firm butt and pushed it a little further, letting him hit the back of his throat and suppressing his gag reflex, his own body burning from the pleasure it gave him.

“Fuck, yes,” Hoseok groaned and tightened his grip, letting him stay like this for a couple of second before he pulled him off. “I'm close, take it.” The blonde man slid in and moved fast, using his grip before coming down his throat with a loud moan of his name.

Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to tell him to ‘take it’ every fucking day.

The roughness was absolutely overwhelming, his body burned and the lack of oxygen was making him dizzy, but he couldn't rub his legs together with the position, friction not quite enough to throw him over the edge himself. Instead, Hyungwon swallowed and panted around the erection in his mouth, tears running down his face at having to suppress his gag reflex. It was hot although it was crazy at the same time, fuck. Why was he like this?

Hoseok pulled out and stroked over his cheeks, removing the tears.

“Oh god, you look absolutely gorgeous like this. I want to make you scream.”

Hyungwon's throat burned and he licked over his lips repeatedly, trying to get the moisture back as stars still danced in front of his vision. He wanted Hoseok to do whatever the fuck he wanted to him.

“D-do it.”

The other man jumped down and fumbled in his pants until he found what he was searching for. Another condom. Knowing where the lube was, Hoseok walked over to the cupboard and pulled it out. 

“Spread your legs for me.” Hoseok looked at him as if he was a meal or something equally desirable.

_ Would be nice if you were.  _

He wished he could see himself the way Hoseok did, instead of only looking at the scars on his legs. Glancing up while chewing on his lips he stared at the beautiful face while slowly spreading his legs, a little scared of the possible reaction although he knew that his emotional response was ridiculous.

“Good boy.” The other man's curved lips spread in a grin as he crawled on top of the sheets and settled between his legs, spreading them further.

_ Shit. _

Hyungwon hadn't really been aware of it before but the other man's words of praise alone were sufficient to let the arousal spike all the way back up, burning along his legs and making them shiver, dick yearning for attention.

“Oh my fucking god,” he muttered.

“I love how your body immediately shows how much you like it, makes me want to fuck you up so badly.” The muscular man pulled the condom over his fingers and coated them with lube, throwing the bottle next to Hyungwon's head right after.

_ Is he planning on still using it? _

Hyungwon forced his body to relax despite the embarrassment at being so fucking obvious. He knew absolutely nothing apart from wanting to please Hoseok and the way his body kept being demanding was a little frustrating to say the least. The thought alone that Hoseok was going to make him feel good again tensed the muscles in his thighs and he tried damn hard not to.

Hoseok licked a stripe from the base to the tip of his dick and he felt the fingers coated in the cool liquid circle around his entrance.

“I might give you three fingers today if you keep being a good boy.” Another grin appeared on Hoseok's handsome face while he was teasing his tip with his pretty, pink tongue.

It felt like he had been catapulted into one of his wet dreams, pleasure just hitting him from all sides while he was trying to get a grip, following through.

_ Now he just needs to slap you with his dick. _

Hyungwon's eyes widened at his own thoughts, glad that Hoseok couldn't read them and just nodded furiously, moaning at the way Hoseok kept teasing him. It was difficult to formulate a coherent thought apart from his arousal.

“A-as you l-like,” he gasped, as he pulled his thighs further apart, wanting the fingers inside of him already.

_ Stop being so demanding. _

“I do, I should if you're still planning on taking me inside your beautiful, tight body someday,” Hoseok murmured and closed his lips around the tip, slipping a finger inside him.

“Fuck-" Hyungwon cursed, pairing the stretch with the image of Hoseok inside of him and moaning loudly although the other hadn't even curled his finger yet. Shit, why was he like this?

Hoseok hummed over his dick, brushing over the spot inside of him and sliding all the way down until he felt his tip hitting his boyfriend's throat.

“Oh god- Hoseok- shit,” he mumbled, throwing his head to the side and lifting his legs up to put them on the other man's shoulders, feeling like he was more restricted in his movements like that. His sight turned a little blurry and he slipped down a little, trying to meet Hoseok’s finger.

Hoseok let him go with a loud plop, but still moved his digit in and out of his body.

“Do you want more?”

Hyungwon nodded furiously and threw his head to the side, eyes squeezing shut as he tried to get the digit deeper inside of him by pushing against it.

_ Get a grip. _

“Fuck- I'm- I'm sorry,” he mumbled and tried to lift his hips a little again, flexing his thighs.

“What are you sorry for, if your eagerness is exactly what gets me going?” Hoseok waited for his gaze to return before sliding two fingers inside him, while staring at his face.

“Oh my fucking god,” Hyungwon whispered while staring at the pretty face, feeling his eyes widen and lips part as he moaned, fingers pushing against a sensitive spot and making his body convulse. It felt amazing although he had always been worried about his body being broken, not reacting as it should. “It's like- like you're fixing my sexuality or something- oh my god, p-please.”

“You're absolutely gorgeous, babe,” the other man groaned and started moving his fingers, curling them up and watching his face intently, sharp exhales leaving the red, curved lips.

_ The way you look affects him, he loves it, Hyungwon. _

The sensations rained down on him with increased speed, moans leaving his mouth uncontrollably and body shivering from how intense it felt. His erection twitched although Hoseok wasn't even touching it. Pleasure covered him like a thick blanket, legs flexing to bring himself closer by pushing down on the blonde’s shoulders. It felt like he didn't even need more than that to orgasm, just the look on Hoseok’s face and the motion in his body. Fuck.

His boyfriend had different intentions, taking him back into his warm mouth and deepthroating him while pushing in three fingers at once. The stretch was a little unpleasant although Hyungwon liked the slide, but he had barely any time to realise that, tight mouth around his erection stealing his attention instantly.

His stamina was hopeless as he felt his balls tense with the build up of his orgasm, moaning loudly and turning his face against the hard headboard, feeling absolutely dizzy.

“Oh god- oh my fucking god- shit,” he murmured, unable to help himself as pleasure sank along his thighs, tightened in his groin and finally let him go, something resembling a scream leaving his throat.

Hoseok sucked on his tip until his thighs started shivering and let him go with a plop, keeping his fingers inside him.

“You'd probably scream if you'd let me inside you,” the beautiful man muttered and licked Hyungwon's release from his red, wet lips.

It felt like a wet dream all over again, sight too crazy to be real.

“I- I don't know- it's embarrassing,” Hyungwon mumbled and tried to raise himself up on his elbows, legs still on the other man's shoulders. His gaze slipped to the scars that moved from his ankles all the way to his thighs, littering most of the skin in whiter patches, not resembling the golden tone of his stomach at all. The sight made him sick, bright sunlight showing everything he didn't want to see.

_ It's so ugly. How can he like you so much? _

“It's not embarrassing, it's hot. You're hot, fuck.” Hoseok slipped out of his body and threw the condom to the side, wiping him with one of the tissues. “Your thighs are so pretty on my shoulders and the way you push down on my fingers, fuck I want to do it all the time.”

Hyungwon blushed at the compliments, glancing to the side and staring at the white sheets of his bed, face burning just like his lower body did a little, probably from the slide although he had enjoyed that the most.

“Y- you could just smear oil over my legs or something- then they won't be that r-rough,” he muttered and felt the discomfort increase, but it wasn't Hoseok’s fault. He himself just didn't like to see his body much, even if Hoseok found it attractive.

_ Kyungwon always said you just need to say you're a virgin on Grindr and they'd all come to fuck you up. _

That's not what he wanted though. He wanted Hoseok, who hopefully wanted him independent of if he had ever been with anybody else or not.

_ Maybe that's why he didn't want Kyungwon? _

The other man clenched his teeth before leaning to the side and biting into his thigh painfully, getting his attention instantly.

“I told you not to diss on my preferences, if you don't want a couple of bruises too.”

Hyungwon hissed at the sudden pain and returned his eyes, widening at the comment.

“Oh my god- I'm sorry- it just happened automatically and then- then I thought that maybe you- oh god- nevermind.” He panicked at almost revealing his thoughts and carefully removed his legs from Hoseok’s shoulders, almost losing his balance because he could barely feel them, apart from the spot that Hoseok had bitten into. The other man's face was also a little red, just like his probably. A more detailed glance revealed fine lines of tears on the pretty cheeks, from before.

_ He cried and you still don't know why. _

“Hoseok, w-why did you cry?”

“Cry? Because I sucked you off? You also cried. It's the good kind of crying.” Hoseok grinned and let himself fall next to Hyungwon, his body jumping on the sheets from the impact. It was ridiculous.

_ Maybe he doesn't want to talk about it.  _

Hyungwon reached for his blanket and covered his body with it, feeling a little better apart from the fact that his head throbbed a little, he hadn't brushed his teeth, his mouth tasted like cum and Hoseok cried and he didn't even know why. The cum was positive compared to everything else.

_ What kind of boyfriend are you? You should make him feel better instead of just sucking him off, what the fuck? _

“I-I meant before, when you woke up.”

“Oh, I- I had a nightmare, nothing much.” Hoseok tensed and curled his arms around him under the blanket. Hyungwon hugged back, pressing a kiss to the other man's forehead while trying not to breath in his face.

“About what?” he asked carefully, stroking along the slightly sweaty blonde strands.

“About a dead person.”

_ A dead person? _

Hyungwon's body froze, immediately reminding him of the time Hoseok had mentioned someone dying, showing concern and weakness. The time Hyungwon had just walked out without a single thought.

_ You're horrible.  _

“I'm so sorry, Hoseok,” he whispered, tightening his arms around the other man and pulling him closer, pressing kiss after kiss to the bright, blonde hair. “It'll be okay, I'm sure you'll be okay.”

“I am okay. It's so long ago, I don't know why it's coming back lately.” The other man closed his eyes and buried his face in the crook of Hyungwon's neck.

“I hope it's not because of m-me. Am I making you unhappy?” he whispered, stroking over soft hair.

“Unhappy? No, no way, I love being with you, I'm just-" It was silent for a couple of long seconds during which Hyungwon felt Hoseok's hands tighten around his waist. “I'm probably the most unqualified person ever.”

“Unqualified for what?” Hyungwon felt a little confused by the sudden lack of confidence. It didn't seem like Hoseok to doubt himself, at least not like that. “You’re wonderful and beautiful and everything I ever dreamed of. I don't really think that's unqualified.”

_ You're so shocked by him thinking this way that you even forget to stutter, amazing. _

Hoseok didn't say anything and simply exhaled against his skin, leaving hot traces behind. It was worrisome, like the other man thought something that Hyungwon wasn't aware of and therefore couldn't correct.

_ That's what they always think about you. You're such a hypocrite. _

“H- Hoseok, I was never able to really undress in front of anybody, even m-myself, but here I am and it's- it's okay somehow.”

“You know, I think you're beautiful, but then again I think it doesn't matter what I think because there is something that prevents you from perceiving it. Just like with everything else, something invisible, spreading out without me realizing before it's too late.” Hoseok shivered and he felt goosebumps spreading over the other man's pale skin.

“Too late?” Hyungwon asked carefully, eyes widening and brain already completing the thought without him needing to ask.

_ When you die, then it's too late. _

“Do- do you think I'm going to kill myself, Hoseok?”

It was a little hard to ask, something he had told himself not to think about, to avoid and look for other solutions instead. Most of the time it wasn't hard, it was just at the back of his head and not relevant to what he was doing, just a meaningless thought. But back then it had been the only thing on his mind, the only valid solution to his problem.

_ He must have talked to Kyungwon. _

“I don't know. And I probably also won't realize. Just like back then.” Hoseok's voice was barely a whisper with how quiet the other man spoke.

_ He's scared, just like everyone else. _

“Did- did the person commit suicide, Hoseok?” he asked carefully, pulling the blonde man closer, wishing to comfort him somehow but not knowing what to do.

“It's hard to say. He didn't eat. He acted as if he did, making everyone around him think that he was okay although he wasn't, telling me I shouldn't come because he was better. He just died like that. Like the outcome of a process that just ran in the background. I'm not qualified, Hyungwon. I'll fuck it up.” He felt his shoulder getting wet from tiny drops that weren't really perceivable at first, temperature similar to his own.

Hyungwon tried hard not to cry himself, unsure how to make the other man feel better. Hoseok had no reason to want to carry all that weight by himself, he wasn't a saviour and he didn't have to be, no one did.

“I'm sorry, Hoseok, I'm sorry you had to go through that. You make it sound like you have to be perfect, you don't, no one told you to be the saviour for anybody and you don't have to be. Nothing that you do is going to make me jump out of a window, that's why I got therapy, so it doesn't happen anymore. I haven’t had those thoughts for a long time,” he answered quietly, remembering his time in the clinic and the way he had tried to occupy himself with other thoughts, drawing, dancing, doing anything to pull himself out of his destructive thoughts. “There was someone with anorexia in the clinic when I was- it - it was scary, different. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. Do you feel like you have to save me, Hoseok?”

Hyungwon swallowed, feeling dread spread at the heaviness of the conversation and the fact that the person died, one month after he had been admitted.

“No, it's not about saving anyone, Hyungwon. It's about me. I wasn't enough of a reason for him to stay, I could've done more, but I didn't, I was not able to realize the simplest things, to understand how serious it was. That's why I shouldn't be close to people. It's fine when I just have sex, it doesn't harm anybody,” the blonde man whispered, not having enough strength in his voice from crying.

_ He's thinking wrong, just like you did, Hyungwon. _

_ Like you do. _

He placed a kiss to the other man's head, stroking over it repeatedly and keeping Hoseok as close as possible, inhaling slowly and preparing his next words.

“It wasn't about you, Hoseok. It couldn't have been about you, because when your head tells you things like that you aren't even aware of anybody else beside you, it doesn't get into your head even if it's the truth. A week later you might be able to understand that it was bullshit, that you were thinking wrong but at that moment nothing matters apart from how miserable you feel and that ending your life and disappearing is the only solution, the only choice to make it disappear.” He inhaled again, his own sick thoughts filling his head, reminding him of what he had thought. “My- my therapist always told me to imagine someone else in my situation, imagining it was someone else with the exact same thoughts, actions and behaviours, and ask myself how I would judge the person. It was always better than I would have judged myself. Do you- do you think you would blame someone else as much as you blame yourself? Would there have really been something you could have done to prevent it? With- with anorexia- it's hard to do something if the person doesn't want to eat. It's-" Hyungwon could feel his eyes burn at the thoughts, pulling Hoseok against his chest and breathing in the scent of the other man's hair.

“But he told me he was happy. He told me that it'll be fine, I- just fuck it.” The other man sucked in a breath. “Sorry for the crying fest, I normally only cry when giving head.”

“It's okay- I- I cry all the time,” Hyungwon replied and chuckled at himself, placing another kiss to Hoseok’s head. “You know- sometimes people are happy because they already think of the relief of being gone, I'm- I'm not like that. I'm not good at pretending to be happy. I just become numb, so- you'll be able to tell.”

Hyungwon didn't know if that would make the other man feel better, but he hoped so, wishing to return the beautiful, bright smile to the prettily curved lips.

“I won't let you,” Hoseok murmured and sat up all of a sudden. “Fuck, my exam, I need to pass, oh no,” the blonde man exclaimed, wiping away his tears and facepalming right after. “I should've just cried after failing, fuck my life.”

_ Oh no. _

Hyungwon jumped up, blanket pooling at his crotch and uncovering his chest as he looked for his phone.

_ Now you're keeping him from his studies again. _

“Do- do you want me to call a taxi for you while you brush your teeth? It'll be f-faster. You could grab a snickers for blood sugar.”

“I'd suck you off for adrenaline but I really need to go, I need to grab my books to feel better about not knowing anything, so I'll run home first.” Hoseok jumped from the bed and got dressed in high speed before he ran back to the bed, kissed him and winked after letting his gaze slide over Hyungwon's naked body. “I'll write you and you better answer, I swear.”

“I- I'll try,” Hyungwon murmured, overwhelmed by the speed and sudden goodbye. “I love you.”

“I love you too, lots and lots.” Hoseok blew him a kiss and ran out.

Hyungwon just sat there, naked on his bed, only partially covered by his blanket, with unbrushed teeth, the taste of cum in his mouth and fluttering feelings because his boyfriend was a fucking angel. It was ridiculous but he couldn't help it, not understanding how the hell he got from his previous inability to even glance at himself to lying naked in bed with the words ‘I love you too’ echoing in his head.

_ Now you just need to dance again, Hyungwon. _

_ Maybe you can recover after all. At least a little. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 17th of August at 2 AM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
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> 

He didn’t fail. Sure, it hadn’t been his best grade, but it was okay, he could continue his studies and the companies and pharmacies didn’t give many shits about grades anyway.   
  
_ They just blindly assume that you’re smart if you’re able to get your degree somehow. _ __  
__  
Thinking about it, Hoseok had always been extraordinary at avoiding heavy emotional things.   
  
_ Like the fact that you’ve dreamt about him again and cried into Hyungwon’s shoulder although he’s the one who should be crying for choosing you as his boyfriend. _ __  
__  
Hoseok didn’t hate himself or anything similar, but experiences were experiences and he didn’t have the feeling that he changed in any way during those three and a half years. One of the reasons might have been the fact that he didn’t have a relationship to help him overcome his trauma from losing a person he loved. 

He didn’t want a relationship, he just fucked around because he couldn’t hurt anyone by doing so. It was like neutralizing his emotional responsibility and doing what he was good at. Providing pleasure, making people scream his name and satisfying everyone.   
  
_ And how many times has Hyungwon cried since you met him? _ __  
__  
A lot of times. He seemed to be a trigger for the other man’s tears, just as he had expected. Hoseok hurt Hyungwon and made him feel uncomfortable, shy and self conscious. On the other hand-   
  
_ You still want him. _ __  
__  
He thought back about his boyfriend’s face while he was telling Hoseok to fuck his brother or his friend because they were pretty and it was what Hoseok deserved. It was scary, because Ben had done the same. Telling him to get someone less ‘ugly’ although it had been absolute bullshit, telling him that he deserved to be with someone handsome and willing instead of him who had major difficulties with libido due to the anorexia. It was a vicious cycle he hadn’t been able to break no matter how hard he tried. He had gotten a therapy session back then to deal with the trauma, to make himself believe that it hadn’t been his fault, but well.

Emotional attachment was difficult.   
  
_ Why don’t you just tell him? That you haven’t had a relationship since, that you’re scared and that you’ll hurt him and make him more miserable because you’re not qualified. _ __  
__  
Hoseok was a coward. He hadn’t even asked Hyungwon about his issue. It might have been depression but it could’ve also been social phobia, dysmorphobia or other things in addition to his hayfever and the corticosteroid treatment which was more clear, the other man had neurodermatitis scars, so that part was easy.   
  
_ You’re just too afraid again, afraid to know and to take responsibility for another person by knowing of his issues and involving yourself. It’s serious Hoseok and you keep doing the one thing you’re good at. _ __  
__  
Sex. He was good at sex.   
  
_ And you can’t even do that. _ __  
__  
Amazing. It was simply amazing.

“Why do you have a boyfriend if he upsets you all the time? What's with your face?” Kihyun walked into his room and sat down on his desk after wiping the surface clean by pushing his books and letting them fall on the wooden floor. “Are you sure that you're okay with being in a relationship all of a sudden?”

Kihyun and him went to school together and have been friends since the tenth grade, so the shorter man knew almost everything about him. They just never really talked about it.

“Don't know. He didn't upset me, it's me, I keep dreaming about Ben and it just sucks because it reminds me of that time and I feel helpless as fuck and just want to curl up, close my ears and eyes and not bother because it hurts.” He buried his face in his palms and groaned. 

“I mean, he's slim, but it's not anorexia, Hoseok, you know what that looks like. He's just healthy but thin. Or is it something else?” His best friend’s voice became warmer and he felt a small palm on his shoulder. Kihyun had suffered from a depressive episode after they'd finished school, his best friend's parents were against him studying literature, wanting him to do something proper. It was so bad that Kihyun had been hospitalised for weeks back then. Hoseok had met Ben there after visiting his friend. 

_ Technically you met Ben because of Kihyun. _

“I- I think he's depressed. His brother told me he was hospitalized too, like you back then.” It felt really heavy to talk about it because Kihyun had been forced to pull Hoseok out of his void, forgetting his own problems and treatment because Hoseok's parents didn't understand his state and wanted him to function.

“You think? Why don't you know, isn’t he your boyfriend?” Kihyun asked before looking down. “Sucks though. Is it bad?”

_ Is it bad? _

The worst part was the fact that he didn't even know whether it was depression or how bad it was.

“I'm scared to fuck up again.” He looked up and met Kihyun's familiar gaze.

“You never fucked up in the first place, Hoseok. Don't you think it's unfair to just stay away only because you don't know anything about it? Imagine suffering and having people trying to avoid you because of that. It sucks, believe me. He doesn't have to be perfect and the same goes for you. Just get to know him and find a way to be with him without being scared. If there's a person who can do it then it's you.” Kihyun smiled and slipped down from his desk, curling his arms around Hoseok right after.

“Remember how you talked to me, every day, trying to explain why life is worth it and that my thoughts are only temporary? You are the main reason I'm here, Hoseok. It's so nice to have someone who cares.” His best friend smiled and let go. “Don't be scared, you may suck at first but it's ok, just don't let yourself get sucked in by those thoughts. I know what I'm talking about.”

He hummed in agreement but it was still scary because the experience of the worst possible consequence stayed, no matter what anybody said.

_  
  


He stood in front of the familiar, black door and studied the scratches along the lock.

_ It must've happened before he was hospitalized. They must've cracked the door. _

Hoseok pressed the button and heard the bell ringing inside Hyungwon's apartment, waiting for the other man to open the door. They hadn't seen each other for six days and he hated it. He hated it so much that he had spent two days thinking about ways to arrange his life such that he could be with Hyungwon most of the time.

_ Impossible. _

The door opened without much shuffling as he was met with a pretty face and silver hair, framing the rather sharp jaw. The other man's eyes narrowed a little at the sight of him.

“Oh, Hoseok decided to bless our ‘bottoms only’ party,” Minhyuk commented and switched the leg he was standing on, shifting Hoseok’s attention to the fact that he was wearing a pair of Hyungwon's sweatpants and one of his gigantic shirts.

_ It's his friend. The one you were supposed to fuck. _

“Hello there, handsome fucker,” Hoseok commented and slipped under the other man's slim arm and into the apartment. “Hyungwon is home right?” He took off his shoes and looked around.

“Lovely, he even invites himself,” the handsome fucket murmured with pursed lips and followed him. Walking through the rather big apartment, he finally found Hyungwon, lying on the couch in front of the TV with some romantic comedy playing. The beautiful man appeared surprised, almost choking on the piece of popcorn that he placed into his gigantic mouth, eyes wide.

“H-Hoseok- wow- hi,” he coughed out.

“Hi, hello, annyeong, pretty boy.” Hoseok grinned and walked over to the couch, pinning the shocked Hyungwon between his muscular arms and leaning down until there was only a couple of millimetres between their lips. “Did you miss me?”

“A- a lot,” the beautiful, plump mouth whispered in reply as Hyungwon curled his hands around Hoseok’s wrists, inhaling sharply. “Fuck- I'm so happy to see you. My brain kept going places because we didn't see each other and-"

“And it was bad enough to watch my favourite Chinese gay movie with me even though he always cries,” Minhyuk finished the sentence for his boyfriend and just sat down on top of the other man's shins. “No making out unless I'm involved, I don't make the rules.”

_ They seem really touchy with each other. _

“That didn't make any sense just now,” Hoseok commented and sat down next to Hyungwon after he lifted his upper body.

“Is that how you spend time normally? Watch gay movies and cry?” He couldn't help the chuckle that left his mouth.

“W-what? No, I don't always cry, what the fuck-" Hyungwon mumbled, visibly shaken by the accusation.

“He always cries, he's such a pussy,” his friend said with a laugh and stuffed a huge slice of pizza into his mouth. “Sometimes he also goes out to drink coffee with us or dances with Hyunwoo. The end. Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk on the life of Chae Hyungwon.”

“Asshole,” his boyfriend hissed quietly before groaning and letting his head rest on Hoseok’s shoulder. “I was lonely and you had exams.”

“I hate exams and I hate responsibilities, I just want to lie naked in bed with you on top of me. Why is life so fucking unfair?” Hoseok chuckled and curled an arm around Hyungwon's shoulders. “What are your plans for today?”

“Ehm- I- I didn't really have one apart from buying Minhyuk pizza and listening to his most recent hook-up,” the tall man replied hesitantly while playing with the right pocket of his jeans, slipping his fingers inside it. At the same time Minhyuk was muttering something about lying around naked being life goals, but it was hard to understand with how filled his mouth was.   


“I see, so when will I have the honour of seeing you dance?” Hoseok grabbed a slice of pizza and bit off a big piece, chewing on it and probably risking being laughed at for looking like a bunny.

“Oh god- he's a huge ass muscular bunny,” the silver-haired man commented, confirming his suspicions as Hyungwon hesitated to reply and just stroked over his thigh.

“I- I don't know. I haven't done it for ages and I'm so o-out of practise. I basically stumble over my own two feet.”

“And over your own words when you think someone's hot. Oh god, this is adorable.” Minhyuk reached out and ruffled Hyungwon's hair, placing a kiss on his cheek out of nowhere.

“Wow, you're touchy,” Hoseok commented without being able to suppress his slightly dissatisfied tone of voice. “You don't like bunnies? Then fuck off,” he murmured and squeezed Hyungwon's thigh, returning his attention to the gorgeous man in oversized clothes. “But I really want to see you dance, I'll show you how I dance too, I'm also out of practice.”

“O-okay,” his boyfriend replied but couldn't hide the surprised facial expression at his comment towards his friend.

“Listen up, honey, I love bunnies, they are adorbs and give me the feels. And you, you seem to be the jealous type although I already told you Hyungwon and me were having a bottoms only party.” Minhyuk lifted his slice of pizza like he was the statue of liberty and spoke like he was giving a speech. “Your butt is nice though. Kudos to his butt.”

Hyungwon covered his face with his free palm and leaned in to whisper ‘sorry’ into his ear, smiling a little.

“Thank you, it looks even better when I'm naked.” Hoseok grinned and stuffed the rest of the pizza into his mouth. “I know that you like me, you wouldn't have given me a Ted Talk about me being good at filling up empty space, am I right?”

“Of course, you seem like you're a pro at it. And concerning your naked ass, pictures or it didn't happen.” Suddenly the other man widened his eyes comically and grabbed Hyungwon's arm, pulling him over and curling an arm around his neck, pressing down a little like he was choking him. “Listen up, Won. I thought we were thigh-brothers, where are my proof pics? I'm disappointed.”

It was interesting to see how much more relaxed Hyungwon was, laughing while trying to free himself until he just gave up, closing his eyes and shaking his head.

“It was too dark and I'm not creepy, I don't take secret pics of people,” he squeezed out of his lungs and grabbed Hoseok’s hand. “Fuck- I'm so happy you came, Hoseok.”

“Sure, tell him what I look like naked so he can cry himself to sleep. Oh and call your brother so he can cry too.” He chuckled and lifted Hyungwon's hand, placing a kiss on top of it. “I'm also happy, it makes me happy to see you smile.”

“Y-you look really good,” Hyungwon whispered before staring at his lips and glancing to the side right after.

The silver-haired man grinned and let go of Hyungwon's neck, getting comfy on the other end of the couch. He seemed rather cheerful as he ate another slice. The only one who wasn't really inhaling anything substantial was Hyungwon.

“You know- if you guys want to hang out and do boyfriend stuff I can also just dematerialize and find myself less lovey dovey company,” Minhyuk elaborated and stroked over Hyungwon's hair again. The other man was indeed very touchy.

“You're Hyungwon's guest and I just came unannounced, so it's fine. He seems more happy when you're here.” Hoseok pointed at Hyungwon.

“He's probably less afraid of fucking up and saying something weird. Wanna join in on the movie? It's awesome.” It took approximately five seconds for Minhyuk to throw his legs over the edge of the couch and place his head on Hyungwon's lap, covering Hoseok’s hand as well. “It's this depressing ‘one guy is gay, they are friends and then there is this chick’ movie. I love it, the sex is hot.”

His boyfriend didn't mind at all, just grinning at his friend's antics as he kept his head on Hoseok’s shoulder and played with his jeans, like he had to occupy his hands somehow.

They spent two hours lying on the couch and watching the movie, Hoseok had looked forward to the sex-scenes, but it was, well, less exciting than in real life so he was a little sad. Minhyuk had been talking and commenting non-stop, including the sex scenes, which made him laugh, but the best things had been Hyungwon's smiles and the way the other man had hugged his thigh, or stroked along his naked arm, showing affection without the heaviness that had normally surrounded them.

When all three main characters were sitting at the beach, the girl between the two rather beaten up boys, he could feel Hyungwon's shoulders tense, shaking a little as the other man started crying, quietly.

“I told you, he always cries. Every fucking time,” Minhyuk commented and jumped up to squeeze Hyungwon's face between his palms, smiling brightly.

“It's fucking sad, okay?” Hyungwon murmured, covering his face with his arms   


“But it's just a movie, they drew the bruises on him, Hyungwon,” Hoseok commented, shaken that someone would really start crying because of a scene. He didn't even consider it sad. “He's not dead, it would be sad if he was dead.”

“N-no, it wouldn't, because then it would be over. Like this he is in love with his friend but there is no fucking thing he can do, he just has to suffer like that. For fucking ever, watching him be with her because he can't keep distance either. Death gives you peace at least,” Hyungwon exclaimed, rubbing the tears out of his eyes.

“Death isn't a solution for anything, it's like being a coward,” Minhyuk added, face serious as he turned towards them. “But things can also hurt without someone dying, you're a little extreme there, Hoseok. Don't devalue someone else's pain, it's subjective.”   
  
_ They both don’t get your point. _ __  
__  
“This is not what I meant. He didn’t die, he has time and resources to get over it, to be hurt for a longer period of time before it will get better, he can learn to deal with the pain and he can even talk to this person or try to figure it out. Because he fucking exists. You can’t discuss your feelings with a tombstone because there’s no answer and there will never be one. You’re just caught up in the same feelings and the same state you were left in, unable to move.” He felt how his lungs clogged up and goosebumps spread all over his skin.   
  
_ Don’t panic. _ __  
__  
“I’ll go pee.” He peeled Hyungwon’s arms away from his body and stood up, moving in the direction of the bathroom to calm down. The room looked like it always did, covered in bathroom-unrelated items and sticky notes. Sitting down on the blue carpet he leaned against the bathtub and sucked in a breath.   
  
_ Why are you even in a relationship if a fucking movie makes you feel in pain and you’re not able to discuss a topic without having a semi panic attack and crying? This is not how a relationship is supposed to work, you are supposed to be strong and a shoulder to lean on instead of breaking down because of the death of an ex-boyfriend who probably didn’t even love you.  _ __  
__  
_ Not enough to stay. _ __  
__  
He wiped away the result of his bitter thoughts from his cheeks and jumped up. Crying in his boyfriend’s bathroom was a no go. He would’ve loved to check his reflection, but the mirror was fully covered in Hyungwon’s tiny notes.    
  
_ He hates himself and you can’t forgive yourself. Perfect combination. Maybe you should put a sticky note on your mirror, to remind you that it wasn’t your fault. _ __  
__  
He laughed at the image.   
  
_ Because it’s self-convincing bullshit. _ __  
__  
Hoseok opened the door and returned to the living room silently, before sitting down next to Hyungwon who was curled up with Minhyuk, pretty hands stroking over his boyfriend's black hair. He turned away and stared at the screen. The black screen.

“Are you-" Hyungwon hesitated speaking but reached out, moving away from Minhyuk and curling his arms around his neck and pulling him closer, voice quiet. “Are you okay, Hoseok? I'm s-sorry for reminding you. I just get upset at emotional pain and unrequited love, it's kind of what my l-life was about. Come here.”

The silver-haired man didn't pay attention to them, scrolling on his phone with his head on Hyungwon's lap, typing something. It seemed like he was doing it on purpose, pulling his lips into his mouth in concentration although Twitter couldn't be that complicated.   
  
“Sure, everything is okay, sorry for overreacting,” he mumbled and hoped to avoid becoming more emotionally unstable than he already was. Hyungwon just nodded and pressed him close, such that his head was on the slim shoulder, face in the crook of Hyungwon's neck.

“Thank you for coming, Hoseok. I know that you're busy and this means a lot to me. I- It really does,” the familiar low voice whispered and pressed a kiss on top of his head, long fingers curling into the strands of his hair. “Also t-thank you for watching the movie even though I just cried like a pathetic little bitch.”   
  
He looked up, studying Hyungwon’s face from up close. The other man had absolutely smooth skin on his cheeks, shining a little in golden colours. Big and equally bright brown eyes were perfectly placed and he looked young, younger than he actually was. His plump lips added up on the image that seemed a little child-like, especially with the way the other man pouted sometimes.   
  
“You’re not a pathetic little bitch, Hyungwon. You’re breathtakingly beautiful.”

The man in question gasped at the sudden compliment, eyes widening and white teeth slowly biting down on his full lower lip. He was staring at Hoseok in fascination, like he couldn't believe that someone like him would say that.

“Yep,” Minhyuk commented as Hyungwon parted his lips to reply but didn't, reaching out and brushing over Hoseok’s mouth with his thumb instead, drawing a deep breath.

“You- you're perfect to me, Hoseok.”   
  
“Let’s see what happens when the curtain falls,” he murmured, but smiled right after, compensating for his comment immediately and leaned in, kissing Hyungwon’s beautiful, thick lips.

The gorgeous man gasped again, lips parting to let him in until they were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing his throat.

“I mean- this is great and everything but I've had enough of your mental conversations. What the fuck? What is this- a ‘who sucks more’ battle? Just agree on both of you being amazing to each other- the end- live happily ever after, adopt 300 kids and start a farm in Iceland.” Minhyuk was gesturing lots before pushing their faces together, almost making them clash teeth and looking over Hyungwon's shoulder like a creep. “I know Hyungwon, but you seemed confident to me, Hoseok. What is this, a pity party?”   
  
_ You’re not pitying yourself. There’s no point. _ __  
__  
“I’m not pitying myself. People are simply more than you can see after sucking face once, that’s it.” He leaned back a little and examined the other man’s face. “Don’t you agree?”

“I do, and I guess I see why you wouldn't call yourself ‘perfect’ either. It's pretty heavy,” Minhyuk elaborated, face serious and glanced at Hyungwon who instantly shook his head.   
  
_ Hyungwon probably told him. _

“To me both of you are. Y-you manage your shit and you're so fucking gorgeous. Fuck,” his boyfriend exclaimed and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, stepping away from his friend and closer towards him. “But it's always subjective, isn't it?”   
  
“It is. Just like you, Hyungwon, and now I need coffee or alcohol, this whole situation fucks with my brain.” Hoseok closed his eyes and breathed through his nose a couple of times.

“Oh my gosh, I'm amazing at mixing Mojitos, I'll make your balls drop!” Minhyuk exclaimed before he jumped up and ran to the kitchen, Hyungwon's sweatpants low on his hips, as if on purpose.

The antics made the black-haired man in his arms laugh, almost bending in half until he caught himself.

“He has so much energy, holy shit. I just want to lie in bed and do nothing,” Hyungwon remarked and let Hoseok carry his weight, just hanging on his neck. “But I'm not drinking, no fucking way.”   
  
“Why not? Can’t wait to hear who else you want me to fuck with my pretty body although you’re the only one I really, really want to fuck.” Hoseok smirked and pulled Hyungwon on his lap.

“W- what- I- oh god,” the black-haired man stuttered and blushed instantly, glancing towards the kitchen quickly before settling his hands on Hoseok’s shoulders. “He- he kinda gave me shit for s-saying that. There is nobody else, Hoseok. Fuck- I'm sorry for- for making you uncomfortable with that. You m-make it sound like I want you to f- sleep with them because you are attractive.”

“I'm pretty sure that's what it sounded like. Go fuck them cause you're so perfect and so are they. I really wanted to throw up. I would've just fucked off if you didn't break down, I was so angry, oh god.” He felt how the anger returned and his fingers contracted at Hyungwon's sides subconsciously.

“T- that's not what I meant,” Hyungwon murmured, looking shocked. “I- I thought they would satisfy you well, give you what you like and n-need. They would be more satisfactory than my body is. And for me it would be the possibility to see you experience p-pleasure, to lose yourself which I react to. I- I don't know if that makes sense.” The black-haired man blushed further and shifted on his lap, stroking over his biceps.

“Why the fuck would you think that your body can't give me pleasure? It's beautiful and you have no idea how many times I think about actually- yeah.” He stopped in the middle.

_ It's not a ‘I want to fuck you’ conversation. He might feel pressured about that. _

“Sorry, I'll stop.”

“I- it's okay. Do you- do you want to know why I think they can please you better?” Hyungwon asked carefully, fingers sinking down and curling up in the seam of Hoseok’s shirt, touching his warm skin. “It's- it's because they are more experienced, you won't be as c- careful and- and- oh fuck my life.” Hyungwon groaned and hid his face in the fabric of Hoseok’s shirt, just pressing against it and exhaling sharply. “Why am I always so fucking embarrassed?”

“You don't want me to be careful? We can arrange that. Actually- I mean you obviously like submission and I am someone who doesn't like to give away dominance, see your crazy brother for reference, so- I mean- don't you think it would work?” Hoseok really didn't want to scare Hyungwon off but he also wanted to fuck the other man against the wall.   


The beautiful man kept pressing his face to his shoulder before nodding furiously and hiding his face further in his shirt, it was sweet somehow. The lean thighs were on each side of his and pulled together at his words.

“You like it, don't you?” Hoseok pushed Hyungwon's slim hips down on himself while breathing hot air against the other man's ear.

A moan left the plump lips and Hyungwon muffled it by biting into Hoseok’s shoulder, thighs only tightening further.

“Ehm- Mojitos?” Minhyuk’s voice sounded behind them, rather unexpectedly and resulting in Hyungwon biting down on the sensitive skin of his shoulder a little too harshly.

“You're starting already? It'll turn blue,” Hoseok hissed and nibbled on the other man's ear lobe before letting go. 

“Thank you, I'll take one.” He turned to Minhyuk and grinned.

“Can't believe I'm the one with the blue balls here,” the silver-haired man remarked and handed Hoseok an ice cold Mojito with a little more lime than usual based on the colour. The other looked a little dissatisfied, lips pressed into a thin line.

“Fuck- oh god- Hoseok- I'm sorry,” Hyungwon murmured repeatedly in the meantime and didn't look up, curling up further in Hoseok’s lap instead. “I'm not drinking. No way.”

“You're not the only one with blue balls, sunshine,” Hoseok commented and took a sip. It was delicious.

“Oh boy,” Minhyuk muttered and connected his glass with Hoseok’s, expressing solidarity. “You have it hard, literally I guess. Although I can't say anything about Hyungwon.”

“But about Kyungwon,” said Hyungwon whispered, still on his lap.

“I thought we don't talk about that.” The silver-haired man pursed his lips again, emptying one third of his cocktail.

“Wow, did you fuck the crazy brother? You're a brave man.” Hoseok grinned and let his hand travel over Hyungwon's lower back.

“First of all, he fucked me, this is a ‘bottoms only’ party and second- you think he's crazy? Why? He's hot.” Minhyuk shrugged and took another sip, throwing himself on the couch and resting his legs on top of Hoseok’s thighs, behind Hyungwon's butt. “It was just a little awkward afterwards.”

“Interesting, he looked very much like he wanted to get fucked back when we met. Why was it awkward?” He couldn't believe they were discussing fucking Hyungwon's brother while drinking Mojitos.

“He's a switch,” Hyungwon murmured and lifted his head, like he finally considering joining the conversion. “He decides based on- wait- it was three things I think. Impression of confidence, appearance and mood, mostly mood.”

Minhyuk took another big gulp of his Mojito and smiled strangely, like his lips remained pressed together in a thin line when he did so.

“It was awkward because my best friend Hyungwon has the same face. It's weird- like- I think of it and remember facial expressions and they are really similar but it wasn't the same person so- yeah weird. It was back when I didn't know Kyungwon well.”

“I see, I only reacted to him because I thought he was Hyungwon. He's not my style,” Hoseok simply commented and took a big gulp. “Although this friend here tries to advertise him as if he's the shit.”

“Yeah, Hyungwon is his number one fan.” Minhyuk laughed and shifted a little closer, such that more of his slim legs rested on Hoseok’s thighs. “But I find it fascinating that you differentiate them so much already. I dunno- I just wanted to make him cry for my ass since he appeared so full of himself lol.”

_ He should've. Minhyuk has a pretty ass. _

“Oh god-" Hyungwon murmured and shifted on top of him, ass rubbing over his thighs. “I've just seen him in action and I think he's admirable, really strong and confident- I wish I was like that.” Suddenly the tall man paused and appeared in thought. “Kind of.”

“I don't know about that,” Hoseok commented and smirked, letting his hand roam a little lower. “So, did he cry for your ass?” He looked over to Minhyuk.

“You bet, it's hard to make me beg,” the silver-haired man said with a smirk and pulled up on his elbows, glancing at Hyungwon. “And you're a hoe for cock, Hyungwon, you only admire him because he's a dom. You admire every dom.”

“That's not true,” the black-haired man mumbled in response and shifted on top of Hoseok again. “I don't even know if someone is a dom most of the time. How do you even tell?”

“By you blushing like a lobster,” Minhyuk commented and cracked up, curling up and slapping Hoseok’s thigh before lying down again, still giggling.

Hyungwon just groaned and hid his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck.

The talk was incredibly freeing.

_ Yes, because sex is the only thing you're absolutely confident about. _

“Well, I normally don't differentiate much, just that I top, everything else is not really relevant because, well, it's just for a night so there's no point in figuring out whether one fits together or not.” Taking another sip he realized that he kinda spilled his lifestyle, which didn't fit with the fact that Hyungwon, his boyfriend, had been sitting on his lap. Someone he was in a relationship with. 

The black-haired man knew, so he just nodded against his chest, letting his long fingers brush over Hoseok’s sides. His friend, however, appeared more intrigued.

“So you dropped the fuck-lifestyle for Hyungwon? Wow, impressive. I see the point of one night stands but for me it always depends on the night. Sometimes I'm lonely and look for company, talking over drinks and maybe still fuck afterwards. Other times I just want a nice, thick dick up my ass and someone who knows how to use it.” Minhyuk grinned and crossed his legs, taking up less thigh space. “Why don't you bottom? Too proud or just don't like the friction?”

Hoseok laughed at the bluntness but loved it nevertheless. It was easy like that.

“I guess I'm the second in both cases, the ‘thick dick up one's ass’ company and the ‘don't like friction’ one. Yeah I'm not really- let's say ‘experienced’ in relationships.” Hoseok shifted a little and placed a kiss against Hyungwon's cute, little ear.

“Well- the last part sounds like me,” Hyungwon whispered and lifted his head, looking up at him with a pout. “I can't contribute anything substantial to this conversation apart from the fact that I love your thighs and they're comfy.”

Minhyuk laughed again, placing his hands above his head and stretching a little, t-shirt pulling up at the motion. He seemed like a tease.

“What made you change your mind, Bunny?”

Hoseok didn't know whether the nickname and the shirt were purposeful, but he didn't care because Bunny had been his nickname since forever and he had seen enough naked male bodies to be blissfully ignorant.

“I liked him. Our first encounters weren't sexual and I couldn't replay my normal course of action, it was fun and I loved his shyness and then suddenly I was hooked. And now I'm here,” Hoseok finished and sucked the rest of his mojito out of the pink straw.

“Welcome to our gay support group,” Minhyuk remarked with a smirk before it turned into a smile and he sat up, pulling his legs under his body. “I'm glad, Won deserves everything.”

“Won is still here and feels emotional,” his boyfriend murmured and squeezed him tighter with both hands and thighs.

Hoseok wanted them to be naked while their bodies touched like this.

“Just continue if you want me to snap,” Hoseok whispered into the small, curved ear and increased the grip of his fingers on Hyungwon's waist.

The beautiful, tall man inhaled sharply and nodded, chewing on his lower lip while glancing to the side, eyes focused on the carpet next to the couch.

“Don't rile each other up, Hyungwon is gonna get picked up in an hour or two and that would be awkward as fuck,” Minhyuk remarked as he stood up from the couch and pulled the oversized t-shirt over his head. “I'm changing back, so you can have your clothes back, hun.” Hyungwon just hummed in response.

“You told me that you don't have plans.” Hoseok was confused.

“That's because they’re not his and he doesn't know anything about them. But he'll still go.” Minhyuk left the room, reappearing in tight, ripped jeans and a white shirt. “And I gotta look hot when my straight crush is coming by.”

“Ah, I see. Well then,” he murmured and stood up, letting Hyungwon slide down his body until his long legs touched the wooden floor.

“It was really nice seeing you both. Tell me how it was, later.” Placing a kiss on Hyungwon's pouty lips he put on his shoes and went out.

Something about the whole thing seemed weird, but he couldn't quite tell what it was.

_ Like always. Until it is too late. _  
  


***

 

“He's a keeper, Hyungwon,” Minhyuk exclaimed as soon as the door closed. His best friend was grinning shamelessly and had jumped up on the counter in his kitchen, chewing on a cold slice of pizza while making sure none of the crumbs hit his white shirt.

“Why?” Hyungwon asked absentmindedly, worried that he hadn't been able to tell Hoseok that he loved him and that the blonde man would eventually realize and feel upset about it later, assuming something incorrect like him not caring or something equally wrong.

_ There is basically nothing apart from him that you think about. _

And dancing maybe, but those thoughts weren't getting him anywhere just like his usual outbursts of self depreciation.

“I was being personified sin and he didn't even lift an eyebrow or blink, absolutely nothing! But he was ready to undress and fuck you against a wall as soon as you stuttered and blushed. A bitch is hooked and that bitch is him,” Minhyuk elaborated, still grinning brightly like the thought alone made him very happy. 

Hyungwon couldn't help but smile back, disbelieving that Hoseok’s reaction would be so obvious to the silver-haired man when it wasn't obvious to him at all. Hoseok had seemed as always, very controlled, a little provoking and impossibly nice, telling him he was beautiful and catapulting his heartbeat from a healthy 60 to a crazy 120.

_ He really makes you feel despite all of your negative emotions. _

He licked over his lips and tried not to think of Hoseok fucking him against a wall because that was already going places he had no intentions on going, especially not when Hyunwoo was supposed to ring the bell any second and pick him up to go to the studio.

_ You'll dance again, Hyungwon. _

It felt a little exciting and although Minhyuk was semi forcing him he was happy that the other man gave him the push. He wouldn't have by himself.

_ You never do. _

He changed into sporty clothes that were still loose but not so much that they would ruin the way dance movements appeared, turning them shallow. Hyungwon couldn't help feeling excited about the possibility of dancing again, to do the only thing he was genuinely good at.

_ Unless you aren't anymore. You can only show him if you're good enough. _

“I want to be good enough,” he murmured, more to himself than anyone else as he ran a hand over his face, wondering if it was acceptable to go outside.

“You're wonderful,” Minhyuk replied behind him and gave him a hug, squeezing him tightly and placing a kiss to his cheek. “I feel like my son is getting married or something. I'm so happy for you, to see you have someone and be so in love and thinking about what you're wearing and whether you're not blushing too much and all that really sweet stuff. He's so hooked- he'd love you in a garbage bag, Hyungwon. Seriously.”

Hyungwon couldn't help the surprise, turning around in the embrace and hugging Minhyuk’s waist in response.

“In a garbage bag? You mean dead? He's terrified of me dying, Minhyuk, he- it was pretty extreme. He had some bad experiences,” he began and chewed on his cheek, remembering how Hoseok had cried in his arms, talking about the person that had left him due to anorexia. Hyungwon would have never imagined the other man to carry something as heavy as that around with him.

_ There is more to a person than what you see after sucking face once. He was right. _

His attention returned to his best friend whose face turned a deadly white, eyes staring at him in shock. 

“What the fuck, Hyungwon? What the actual fuck? Why would I say he would love you dead? I just meant if you wore a garbage bag as clothes. Shit, why are you like this? Don't scare me like that.” The pretty hands dug into his sweatshirt almost painfully and he tried hard to keep his balance, surprised at the sudden outburst.

_ They all always worry about you, tip toeing around you and your problems in the fear that you will crack and try to kill yourself again. _

Hyungwon wasn't great, but he was okay, maybe even good. He felt stable, especially compared to how it had been a few months ago. It wasn't the same at all.

_ You smile, you meet people, you talk, you don't hurt yourself. You're so much better now. _

“Sorry, got you wrong,” he commented and smiled brightly, brushing over Minhyuk’s shoulders and hoping that the shocked expression would disappear as soon as it had appeared.

It worked as Minhyuk squeezed his waist once again and let go, slipping into his shoes at the exit. The timing was great with Hyunwoo ringing the bell right after. The silver-haired man had something like a radar for their broad-shouldered friend, recognizing him from several meters away and knowing when he would pop up. Sometimes Hyungwon wasn't sure whether ‘my straight crush’ was even a joke anymore.

“Please be happy,” Minhyuk murmured right before the front door revealed Hyunwoo with a rather big sports bag and the same neutral expression on his face he always had. The only exceptions were when Hyungwon bought him food or accidentally embarrassed himself, which happened all the fucking time because he was an idiot.

“Hi there, Hyunwoo. Looking muscular,” the silver-haired man commented and curled his arms around Hyunwoo’s biceps out of nowhere, squeezing a little before letting go. “I hope you guys will have lots of fun and you can thank me later for resuming your dance meetups. Send me sweaty pics.”

“But you hate being sweaty,” Hyunwoo replied deadpan and switched the bag from one shoulder to the next, visibly confused by Minhyuk wanting pics.

“Yeah, when I'm sweaty, not when others are sweaty,” the other called after him while running down the stairs, blowing both of them a kiss.

“He confuses me.” His dance companion sighed, waiting for him to slip into his dance shoes and take a towel. It was sweet somehow, although Hyungwon was in no way in the position to make fun of people and laugh at their awkwardness. He was ten times worse.

“He confuses us all, Hyunwoo,” he replied with a laugh before offering his friend a slice of pizza, thereby putting a bright smile on his face.

_ That's how it should be, shouldn't it? Peaceful and happy. _

Hyungwon really hoped that it would stay this time.

_

 

It felt familiar, beautifully and pleasantly familiar how he moved his limbs to the music. It wasn't even anything special, just a quick beat and Hyunwoo and him improvising movements, feeling the variations and rhythm and choosing motions that expressed them the best.

It was like home, like himself. 

Sweat was running down his forehead and dripping to the floor, just like his clothes were completely soaked, heavy against his skin as the heat remained.

Hyungwon loved to watch Hyunwoo dance, to see how his motions were effortless, like he might have just as well been walking and it would involve the same amount of effort to do it right. It was fascinating and he wished he could say the same about himself. His movements were calculated and planned, carefully executed according to what they were supposed to look like and repeated endlessly in case they weren't.

When the 18th song for that day ended, he simply sank to the floor, barely able to hold himself up and breathing heavily, watching the way drops collected on the floor below him. 

Something cold pressed against his neck and he almost moaned at the relief, holding himself back just in time as it disappeared and Hyunwoo held a bottle in front of his face.

“You should drink,” the other man commented as he emptied a whole bottle of water by himself, small smile on his face. “You feel the beat perfectly, just like before."

_ You do? _

The comment made him happy, giving enough strength to peel himself off the ground and actually empty the bottle.

_ Back then it started when you began sucking at the only thing you're good at. _

“Thank you, now watch me pop out a shoulder with that choreography you made,” he said with a laugh and tried to get up completely, basically falling to his face instead, bony knees hitting the ground. He just wasn't meant for heavy physical work, he always collapsed after. 

It was quiet for a bit as Hyunwoo dried his sweat with the towel he prepared, rubbing over his face, hair and chest. Hyungwon watched him intently but couldn't help but feel surprised at his lack of sexual reaction.

_ Are you broken again? _

He had never felt particularly attracted to Hyunwoo, it just wasn't part of their relationship. It was simple, not complicated at all and without the need to talk a lot. They could just walk next to each other without saying a word for three hours and it was totally okay.

Hyunwoo was cute, not understanding some of the most basic things but always ready to jump in for justice. It was really sweet and Hyungwon was happy to have a friend like that despite his own lacking personality.

_ Maybe Minhyuk is right. Maybe you don't react to bodies. _

Throwing his towel back into his bag Hyunwoo walked over to him and stretched out his hand.

“Let's go, you can't dance anymore anyway. We can just resume our bi-weekly routine.”

“Sure,” Hyungwon replied and grabbed the other man's hand, basically flying to the other side of the room from the strength his friend had used. His friend who just laughed shamelessly and called him a paper doll. “Asshole.”

“You're the mean one, you said you'd buy me beef after this.”

_ You did.  _

“I will, just let me get a grip on my limbs,” he murmured, still trying to catch his breath and deal with how out of practise his body was. It could barely move.

_ You danced but your body is not what it used to be. It's useless now. You can't show your dancing to Hoseok like this. _

It was okay but it was pathetic compared to what he was able to do before. He shouldn't have tried it again.

_ Why the fuck were you so happy? You suck. _

“You'll have to teach me your leg break movement next time.” Hyunwoo’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts suddenly, just in time to be surprised by how his body was lifted up and shamelessly thrown over a shoulder. “I'm hungry now, so buy me meat now.”

_ Of course, Hyungwon. You should dance with him and make sure he gets enough food. _

_ What have you been doing all this time? _

Wailing in his own misery probably.

_

 

Not meeting Hoseok was torture. 

Technically torture itself was something that Hyungwon knew pretty well, after all he provided it to himself on a daily basis. It wasn't much different this time.

_ Why can't you just write to him that you miss him and want to meet? _

Hyungwon had improved, a little at least, he actually replied to Hoseok’s messages, commented and uttered his opinion, but there was just something to his personality that didn't allow him to make demands. It just felt like he was being greedy and nosey by asking to meet up, especially with how busy Hoseok was.

He wasn't sure how aware the blonde man himself had been, but just by listening to Hoseok’s every day escapades, it was easy to figure out that he was his family’s bitch for everything in a way. Sure, Hyungwon would have never said it out loud, but all the things Hoseok just casually mentioned, things that he had to do, sounded absolutely crazy. Like he was a grown up adult, paying taxes, taking responsibility for other people and working his ass off.

_ You're not doing any of those. _

Seeing the pressure Hoseok had on his shoulders, independent of Hyungwon's existence, it had seemed horrible to ask to meet, or to say he was lonely, or that Hoseok visiting that one day when he went dancing had been the best day in the past two weeks.

It was hard.

In addition it was one of the days he had to shower and he hated that too.

_ Because Hoseok liking your body doesn't mean that you like it. It's still difficult to look at. _

It had been different with Hoseok. Just looking at the other man's face and the way he had reacted to seeing him, had been enough to forget his concerns, to just melt into whatever Hoseok was doing to him. It wasn't comparable.

_ He makes you forget it. You feel attractive somehow because of the way he looks at you. _

The front door opening pulled him out of his thoughts, keys clattering right after.

_ Kyungwon. _

Excited to see his brother, he ran to the hallway, curling his arms around the other man's neck and pressing his face into his shoulder. It was bony, like his own.

The action must have surprised Kyungwon as he yelped and dropped the bags he had been holding, embracing him instead.

“Woah- are you okay? Whom do I have to beat up?” Kyungwon asked but the smile was obvious from his voice.

“Me- my head is not doing what I want it to again.” That's how it always was. The main thing that kept Hyungwon from achieving his goals had been himself and his inability to do so.

“You want me to convince it?” Kyungwon let go of his waist and reached for the shopping bags. “Come on, let me go- the meat will turn bad.”

“You just don't want to hug me,” Hyungwon murmured. It was embarrassing but he felt down and wanted to curl up, preferably in Hoseok’s arms and forget about the fact that he hated undressing, hated being alone, at least at that moment and hated showering. Unless it was with Hoseok. That had been nice.

His brother laughed suddenly, bringing the bags to the kitchen and unpacking the items he bought, putting most of them into the fridge. 

“I spent my childhood hugging you, Hyungwon. Saying that I don't want to hug you would be like arguing that you are straight because you have no sex with men. Just because it isn't happening right now, doesn't mean you don't want it.” Kyungwon winked and put a couple of apples and bananas into a big bowl which he placed in the middle of the kitchen table. Once he was done, he leaned against the counter.

“I want to see Hoseok but he's busy and I don't want to bother him and I have to shower and-" Hyungwon felt his emotions going through the roof again, the wish to cry returning out of nowhere although it wasn't even all that bad.

“Come here,” Kyungwon murmured and hugged him, pressing him close and exhaling somewhere next to his ear. He smelled like a mixture of his usual cologne and cigarettes. The other man had started again when Hyungwon had been in the clinic and had returned to occasional smoking instead of stopping. “Let's just write him a message.”

“No- he's probably busy and doesn't-"

“I'm sure he really wants to see you. He visited you all the time, didn't he? If you don't want to write just plan a surprise visit. Where is he right now?”

Hyungwon thought about that. Hoseok had mentioned that he had to revise something and call a few places, which meant that he must have been at home.

“Home probably.”

“Perfect, so you'll take a shower now, get pretty and pop up at your boyfriend's apartment being the surprise present that you are.” Kyungwon didn't sound like he intended to allow any opposing comments, simply pulling Hyungwon to the bathroom by the waist, familiar grin in place. “Have you had sex yet?”

“W-what? Why do you always ask st-"

“So you didn't. But you did stuff, you said so last time, which is why I think you're sexually frustrated. Either way, I'll teach you about getting ready and then it will be a whole new level of surprise.” Kyungwon appeared very pragmatic about it, pulling out a towel and preparing it next to the shower as he checked whether everything was there and disappeared again.

Hyungwon had no idea what his brother was talking about or what he wanted to show him and at this point he was genuinely too afraid to ask. Kyungwon would have just bluntly told him and he wasn't sure whether he could take it at this point.

_ He wants you to prepare a sexual surprise for Hoseok. _

Hyungwon chewed on his lip, unsure whether that was such a good idea, especially if he didn't know whether Hoseok even wanted him to pop up at his door.

“Less thinking, more showering, Hyungwon. Just look at me, there are no mirrors anyway.” Kyungwon smiled and leaned against the bathroom door, crossing his arms and staring at him. It was a little embarrassing, but it was also what the first eighteen years of his life had consisted of.

Hyungwon swallowed and pulled his t-shirt over his head, staring at Kyungwon and the way the other simply smiled at him, looking relaxed and like it didn't matter. That was good.

_ But not good enough because it's still ugly. He just doesn't care because he's used to it. _

_ But Hoseok finds you attractive. _

He pulled his jeans and briefs down and quickly walked to the shower, turning on the water and closing his eyes.

“Now listen up, I'll give you a quick intro on cleaning up so you can have a nice fingering session and then I gotta go back to my lecture, alright? Promise me that you'll go to Hoseok’s place after this.” Kyungwon wasn't joking, stepping a little closer to the shower cabin to make sure Hyungwon could still understand what he was saying. It was embarrassing to say the least and he was really happy that the water was warm and coloured his skin pink all on its own. 

“I- I don't know-" Hyungwon mumbled, hoping that Kyungwon wouldn't insist because he really didn't know if he could go there. Just like that.

“Fine, you have 15 minutes and then I'm driving you there even though it's a five minute walk,” his brother exclaimed before he jumped into a detailed explanation of something Hyungwon would have preferred not to discuss with his brother naked in the shower, but apparently it couldn't be helped.

_ You're the one who inherited feeling shame in the family. All of it. _

Fifteen minutes turned into 20 when he was seated in his brother's car, wearing a nice, white silk sweatshirt that he actually felt comfortable in and jeans. They weren't tight but they also weren't as loose as he usually liked his pants. They were fine. Just he wasn't, face still burning from embarrassment.

“I'll stay here until I see you ring that bell, Hyungwon. When you miss someone you tell them and go there. That's how it works,” Kyungwon commented and smiled at him, ruffling up his hair for no reason. Why was everybody doing that all the time?

“Mom says it in every message but never comes.”

“She's just busy, Hyungwon. It's more complicated than that,” his brother murmured, looking a little uncomfortable with the remark.

_ No, she's not. _

He just nodded to not cause Kyungwon even more distress and got out of the car, feeling how the adrenaline spiked up and fear of rejection returned. So many things could go wrong. Hoseok could be somewhere else, it could be just his roommate, he could not want to see him, he could be studying and Hyungwon would disturb him. The list was long and the more he thought about it the less he wanted to go.

Suddenly Kyungwon opened the car door and stepped out, walking over to him until he just grabbed his hand and pulled him to the front door, pressing the bell and whispering ‘good luck’ as he sprinted back to the car, jumped in and drove off, leaving Hyungwon with panic and a closed door that could open any time.

_ Oh god. _

The door screeched a little and Hoseok's brown-haired friend appeared in the door crack, staring at him with his elongated eyes.

_ Fuck, what the hell are you supposed to do now? _

“Ah, Hyungwon, right? You could also be his crazy brother but your face is red, so I guess you're the nice exemplar. The one with a sense of shame.” A grin spread the other man's slightly chubby cheeks and he looked friendly somehow.

“Y-yeah, I'm H-Hyungwon,” he stuttered and regretted not running away before Kyungwon pressed the doorbell. He should have resisted instead of just appearing in front of Hoseok’s apartment without any announcement like an idiot. The fact that his face was apparently burning already didn't help his case at all, awareness only making it worse. He didn't have the time to think about the brown-haired man encountering his brother already and thereby making him absolutely boring and insignificant in comparison. Hyungwon was the broken exemplar, not the nice one.

_ He might not even be home. What will you do then? You fucking idiot. _

“Come in, Hoseok is showering, he'll be out in a bit,” Kihyun murmured and opened the door properly, gesturing for him to come in.

_ He already thinks you're pathetic for being unable to formulate even one sentence, not even your fucking name, Hyungwon. _

It wasn't even because of Hoseok’s friend, he just felt so fucking pressured not to fuck up. It was someone close to his boyfriend, someone that mattered and whose opinion mattered.

_ Last time you just ignored him because you lost it. He probably already thinks you're fucked in the head. _

Hyungwon nodded and followed inside. It was too rude to decline and Hoseok would come out of the shower, eventually. 

_ All pretty with wet hair, making you unable to talk again, fuck.  _

_ Just wait, Hyungwon. You wanted to see him, so wait. _

“It's hard to meet him, right? Hoseok I mean, with his job and being caught up in his position of a family slave.” The brown-haired man went to the kitchen and came back with two glasses of something that looked like coke, handing Hyungwon one and smiling.

It also smelled like coke, so he took a sip, thanking the other man without stuttering and already feeling a little less hopeless. The other seemed nice somehow, smiling a lot. It helped.

_ Or he's just adjusting to you like to a terrified animal, slowly stepping closer to not scare it off. Like a fucking squirrel. You're like a scared squirrel. _

“So- so you also think that he's kind of like- like Cinderella?” Hyungwon mumbled and played with the glass in his hands, squeezing it a little.

“Uhm Cinderella would've been nice, he would have at least gotten some fancy car and a rich boyfriend, but he doesn't get anything, they're not even thankful, especially his mom, I hate her.” Kihyun didn't seem like someone who hid his opinion from others, gesturing and narrowing his gaze, hereby emphasizing his words. It looked a little scary.

Hyungwon swallowed and nodded along to everything, upset that Hoseok would have to deal with something like that. The blonde was always so damn hard working and constantly trying to please everyone, be it his brother, his family or himself. It was hard to miss.

“Does he- does he struggle a lot financially?” he couldn't help asking. He wouldn't consider himself rich, that was difficult to define, but money had never been his main concern.

“Define struggle, we share the apartment so he pays half of it and we take turns with food and stuff like that. He has to work a lot because his parents only support his brother financially, but yeah, Bunny never complains, it's a bad habit of his.” The brown-haired man sighed and sat down next to him, taking a sip of his coke. “How about you?”

“So h-he works because he needs the money and not for the experience?” It seemed extreme that Hoseok would have to work almost every free second because of the money he earned and not because it was related to his degree. It explained why the blonde always seemed so pressured, barely able to relax. “I- I just study.”

_ And organize pity parties all on your own because you can't get your shit together. _

_ Why do you even have problems, Hyungwon? You're pathetic.  _

“Well, I had a year break between finishing school and starting university so Hoseok welcomed me after I got my shit together. I also just study, my parents send me money to make up for being heartless ice bricks and I work at a cafe but only because the girls from the psychology faculty hang out there. They're mental, but hot.” Kihyun chuckled and emptied his glass. The other man seemed much more willing to talk than last time.

_ You also had a year break, but in the middle of it all, realizing that you can't fucking do it. _

“I- I also had a break b-but in the m-middle of my studies, also for a year. I just- paused I guess. Why are your parents heartless bricks?” Hyungwon swallowed again, remembering his coke and drinking some of it quickly. It was intense how Kihyun was able to label his parents easily like that. Hyungwon had always tried to avoid that, after all, people dealt with situations differently and having a hospitalized son could be hard. He was a handful after all, they had had Kyungwon to visit for them.

“Because they wanted to force me to study engineering which I hated, even though they knew how much I love literature and how much it means to me. Playing dirty tricks and blackmailing me with my love towards them, which is a no go. I couldn't really deal with it back then so I kinda wanted to die. I was in the hospital for over a month. Hoseok had been much better support than my parents, so he's number one for me. Although it wasn't the best time for him either.” It was scary how Kihyun just talked about his suicidal phase as if it was a date, or an occasion, nothing special.

_ Would be amazing if you could do that too someday. _

Unfortunately Hyungwon didn't have the kind that just disappeared once he got tired of it, not even with masses of medication and a little therapy. It was moody and just waited for when he fucked up to hit him full force.

“D-did you try it? To die I mean,” he asked quietly, not sure why he even asked. It was none of his business but it was difficult not to share and open up a little himself when met with such details. It was crazy how it sounded like Kihyun's parents were partially the source for his problems. Hyungwon's weren't really that involved. One would have to be there to be the reason for something.

_ Hoseok helped him back then, it must have been when he struggled himself. _

Kihyun laughed for some reason, as if the topic had been funny or something similarly ridiculous.

“You know how people say Karma is a bitch? Well, I kinda planned everything out and was almost there, but then Ben died and I realised that I was needed. That Hoseok needed me, so I took the meds and tried to get out of it somehow. I sometimes still think about it but then I see Hoseok's face in front of me and it kinda helps, I guess. But depression is a bitch, it's waiting until I'm weak to grab me by the balls.” Kihyun sighed and crossed his legs while staring into nothing.

_ He got out of it for someone else. You weren't even able to think beyond your own bed post. _

“It is,” Hyungwon whispered and pulled at the skin of his fingers. “I- I tried it. I just didn't succeed as you see.” He didn't know why he was sharing it, something he really didn’t like talking about, but it felt okay somehow. It seemed like Kihyun wouldn't judge him or get terrified by the fact, look at him differently or anything similar.

_ Most people don't understand why anybody would wish to die, actually planning it and pulling through. _

“Mhm, I'm glad you failed. It's a failure you should be happy about,” Kihyun mumbled and slapped his thigh.

_ You should and you are. Just sometimes it feels a little heavy. _

Luckily Hyungwon knew how to deal with it by now, knowing better.

“Hyungwon!” Hoseok's low voice exclaimed as the beautiful, blonde man appeared in the hallway, obviously surprised and even more obviously naked, apart from a tiny towel around his broad hips.

_ Oh god, why?  _

Hyungwon couldn't help the blush that returned to his face full force at the sight. Hoseok was absolutely gorgeous - just as expected - and the sudden rip from the serious conversion caught him off guard.

Fuck, he was so happy to see the blonde man. All his previous thoughts on missing him and wanting to be close returned at once, reminding him of his conversation with Kyungwon and making him even more embarrassed.

_ Why are you like this? _

“H-Hoseok, h-how are you?” he forced out, stuttering returning like it had never been gone and face on fire. Fuck.   
  
“I’m fine, ah, I’m so happy that you came. You, Hamster, should’ve knocked me out of the bathroom.” Hoseok went over and curled his hands around Kihyun’s throat from behind and shook the shorter man furiously. The brown-haired man simply laughed and bit into Hoseok’s hand, leaving the blonde to hiss in pain.

_ He seems perfectly fine now.  _

Hyungwon smiled, still playing with his fingers and hoping that the blush would disappear until he finally mustered the strength to go to Hoseok and hug him like there was no tomorrow.

“I missed you,” he whispered, barely audibly and inhaled sharply.   
  
“I missed you too, come, I need to change anyway,” Hoseok commented and moved towards his room.   
  
“Dressed, you need to get dressed, you idiot,” Kihyun called after him. The brown-haired man had a point but there was something about Hoseok’s pale skin that made him want to examine it for hours, feel it under his fingertips.

“I l-like you like this,” Hyungwon murmured and followed, embarrassed that Kihyun was still there and saw all of his failed attempts at communicating.

_ Oh god, you actually planned to be close to him but you can't even give him a hug. What the fuck? _ __  
__  
As soon as the other man walked into the room, Hoseok turned to his wardrobe and dropped the towel, remaining absolutely naked. There were still water drops covering the other man’s back and thighs, wet hair dripping a little.

“Fuck,” Hyungwon cursed before he could help himself, hand immediately lifting up to cover his mouth and eyes running over Hoseok’s muscular legs, sculpted thighs and beautiful body, widening. His mind instantly reminded him of the time strong hands had grabbed his hair and pulled him down, pleasing the other man.

_ Maybe he will allow you to do it again. _

Once he reached the blonde’s face he was met with dark eyes, focused on his.

_ Oh god. _ __  
__  
“Like what you see?” Hoseok asked, licking over his lips and turning towards him.

Hyungwon couldn't help the blush and the fact that his mind easily supplied him with images.

_ How crazy are you? You even got ready to be fingered, Hyungwon. What the actual fuck is happening to you? _

“Y-yeah,” he whispered. He really wanted to touch him, to just run his fingers over the probably cool skin and see how Hoseok would respond to that, whether he would enjoy it, gasp, close his eyes, pull him closer. Hyungwon wanted to know.   
  
“But you’re still standing two meters away as if I’m some unattractive potato sack, or are you waiting for me to come over and grab you?” Hoseok lifted an eyebrow and started moving towards him slowly.

Hyungwon gasped again, feeling frozen in place although he wanted to be close. He felt the air getting stuck in his lungs just from the way Hoseok looked at him, eating him up with his eyes like he was gorgeous, although he only wore a sweatshirt and jeans and was in no way as attractive as Hoseok was, standing naked in front of him.

“Oh my god,” he whispered, lips parting and eyes widening in anticipation at the fact that the other man genuinely wanted to be close to him again.   
  
Hoseok was fast, closing the distance and grabbing his thighs, hereby lifting him and clashing his back against the next best wall while Hoseok’s naked body pressed him against it. The air left his lungs instantly, yelp parting his lips.   
  
“I thought so,” the other man’s low voice groaned somewhere next to his ear as Hoseok sucked his ear lobe into his mouth.

Hyungwon moaned, letting the other man carry his weight and curling his arms around the muscular shoulders. He had missed Hoseok so much- fuck. He had only wanted to curl himself up in the other's strong embrace and forget his concerns for a few seconds, just enjoy the warmth and affection. The fact that he couldn't really move, too restrained by the body pressing against him, only sent more sparks through his legs, arousal building up out of nowhere and numbing his senses. He wanted to touch Hoseok and make him feel good, let him grab his hair and do whatever the fuck he wanted.   
  
The blonde man licked over Hyungwon’s lips before licking over his own and leaned in until their noses touched.   
  
“Will you be a good boy and let me unwrap you like the present you are? I really want to feel you,” Hoseok whispered against his parted mouth.

A burning sensation spread through his legs and abdomen, like the words alone were sufficient to make him react. It seemed like where pictures and images had failed, the low voice of the man in front of him was sufficient.

There was no way that Hyungwon could have said no to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 19th of August at 2 AM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

Hoseok climbed into the shower and let cold water run over his body, as a gentle reminder that he was able to feel things even after studying the whole night and working his shift at the pharmacy. He came home and almost collapsed but body hygiene was something he wasn’t able to skip on.   
  
_ Sad, tired, frustrated and dirty would be too much, even for you. _ __  
__  
He washed his body and hair before propping himself up against the cold tiles, feeling how the warm water hit his skin on different spots, creating a sea of different body perceptions. He thought about pleasing himself but he was too tired. And he missed Hyungwon.   
  
It was strange, as if their relatively short meetings consisted of all the affection and attraction and it seemed to fade as soon as they parted. Hyungwon never wrote by himself and also never came by. Hoseok visited, but the last time they had just watched a movie and talked about uncomfortable things without being close. Hoseok really longed to be close to the tall, handsome man.   
  
_ Isn’t that how a relationship is supposed to be? _ __  
__  
On the other hand, who was Hoseok to judge relationships? He had no fucking idea and also no competence if it came to interaction between two human beings that didn’t consist of insulting each other, or fucking, or both simultaneously.   
  
_ You still didn’t ask him anything about his issues, his thoughts, his family, his relationship with his brother, other relationships, how he gets by, how far he is with studying, what he needs to be stable. Instead you just want to fuck and not think about anything. _ __  
__  
Hoseok was fucked in the head.   
  
_ You’re the one who’s really fucked in the head, although Hyungwon always says it’s him. _ __  
__  
But then, Hyungwon also didn’t know how bad it was. He didn’t know about his monthly trips to the hospital, him sitting on the stupid veranda for hours and crying like a pathetic idiot and also not about the package of cigarettes in his cupboard. One with only one cigarette left. The one he had never been able to smoke with Ben.   
  
_ As if it’s enough to cry, it won’t make up for anything. _   
  
_ Shouldn’t you just go back to your lifestyle? You’ll start going mental with all this change. _ __  
__  
He stepped out of the shower and put a tiny towel around his hips, not drying himself properly because he had no strength and no will to do so. Walking out of the bathroom, he spotted Kihyun and his boyfriend sitting on the couch and chatting about something he didn’t grasp, but he was happy. So damn happy that Hyungwon came. __  
__  
Everything turned when the tall black-haired man let his gaze slide over his naked body, blush visible and signs of arousal showing immediately. It was so incredibly attractive that Hoseok forgot that he hadn't slept and also hadn’t taken care of his body, apart from washing it. Grabbing the other man’s thighs, he pressed Hyungwon’s slim body against the wall and his brain switched into a familiar state. A state that he was way more comfortable with. An escape.   
  
_ Think about the rest later. You will have time later. _ __  
__  
He felt how his blood rushed downwards, heat spreading and brain immediately asking him to act.   
  
“Will you be a good boy and let me unwrap you like the present you are? I really want to feel you,” he whispered against Hyungwon’s thick, parted lips, so inviting and incredibly delicious that he had major difficulties to stay sane with his limited amount of resources.

The other man reacted instantly, sucking air into his mouth and keeping it in his lungs for an extended period of time as the slim thighs tightened around his hips, pulling him closer.

Hyungwon's hands were buried in his shoulders, holding on desperately as the big eyes settled on his, opened wide and so affected. A nod followed, urgent and supported by the way the black-haired man pulled his lower lip into his mouth, gasping quietly.   
  
_ Just don’t pass out, Hoseok. You can do it. _ __  
__  
He nodded back and pulled Hyungwon’s body closer to himself as he walked towards the door and turned the key with one hand, before closing the distance to his bed. He let the other man’s back hit his sheets and crawled on top of him, pulling the white silk shirt over his head in a quick movement, lips immediately attaching to the beautiful, golden skin.   


Hyungwon moaned, visibly tensing because of the uncovered skin, but the kisses and small bites were sufficient to watch the long legs contract and pull up, bending at the knees and to listen to soft moans echoing through the room.   
  
“Shit, you’re so fucking beautiful, I missed you and I missed touching you, I thought I’d go crazy,” Hoseok murmured before sucking a nipple into his mouth and nibbling on it softly.

“N-no, y-you are,” the black-haired man whispered, blush covering his neck and a bit of his chest now as he stroked over Hoseok’s face and intertwined his long fingers with his blonde strands.   
  
“I want to feel your naked skin, all of it.” He couldn’t help the groan that escaped at the thought and licked over Hyungwon’s stomach, opening the button of his jeans right after.

“Y- you can feel whatever y- you like,” the low voice breathed out as the beautiful man threw his head to the pillows and pulled at Hoseok’s hair, probably subconsciously. “Will- will you let me please you?”   
  
“Depends on whether you’ll let me enjoy your beautiful body, like a good boy,” Hoseok murmured and pulled down the other man’s pants along with underwear and socks, placing little kisses from Hyungwon’s golden calves to his pretty lean thighs that were shivering at his ministrations. _  
_

“Oh god,” the other gasped and bit down on his lower lip, whimpering a little as he lifted his head and watched the way Hoseok caressed his legs with his lips. “I- It's yours if you w- want it, Hoseok.”   
  
“Oh, I want it. A lot. I can’t and also don’t want to think about anything else apart from how gorgeous you look, naked and spread-legged for me.” He licked along Hyungwon’s inner thigh before biting into it carefully.

The response was instant as the other man's legs spread further. The grip of Hyungwon's white teeth on his plump lower lip looked almost painful.

“I- oh my god, H-Hoseok,” the other panted, still watching him intently. It was fascinating how much reaction Hyungwon showed for something as simple as caresses along his inner thighs, almost as if it wasn't about his own perceptions at all but rather about what he saw.   
  
_ He really loves how you look, doesn’t he? _ __  
__  
Hoseok licked over the other man’s hipbone, tracing the v-line with his tongue and breathing hot air against the tip of Hyungwon’s erection that was already covered with precum. He wiped a drop with his index finger and licked it while staring into the other man’s big eyes.

A hiss passed the pretty mouth as Hyungwon’s eyes widened, following every action of his hands and mouth, unable to look away. The other man seemed completely mesmerized.

“You- holy shit- I-" he mumbled, reaching out and stroking over Hoseok’s hair, moving down to his neck and shoulders, travelling over his collarbones. “I actually- because I thought you might- oh god. I- I can't fucking say it.” The beautiful man seemed embarrassed, glancing to the side and shivering a little in anticipation, unable to express what he wanted to say. Hoseok had never seen someone as adorable and lovable as Hyungwon. That was a first, even for him.   
  
“Just tell me, what did you think I might? Mhm?” Hoseok stroked over Hyungwon’s inner thigh and let his tongue draw small circles down his v-line.

“You- you always had to u-use a condom so I- I-" Hyungwon bit on his lower lip again and groaned in frustration, pushing his head into the pillow and trying to hide his face. “That's what I m-meant by being inexperienced. Everyone is so c-careful.”   
  
“What? I can use a condom again, it’s okay. What do you mean everyone is so careful? Who’s everyone?” Hoseok lifted his head and stared at his boyfriend who tried to hide in the pillow which was already adorable as fuck.

“You c-can touch me like that, I- I got ready,” the black-haired man murmured into the soft cushion before looking up slowly, face a beautiful pink colour and lips blood red from biting them. It was breathtakingly gorgeous. “E-everyone is you because no one has touched me a-apart from you.”   
  
_ Is he telling you he prepared before coming here? For you? And he’s never been touched? Oh god, you’re ruining him, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
“I’m going to ruin you,” he commented, and crawled up, licking into the other man’s mouth which tasted a little like coke. Hyungwon just moaned at his words, eyes closed. “You’re telling me that you got ready so I can touch you? Oh my fucking god, I need to come because I might just accidentally go nuts with this knowledge.”

“I- I wanted to be close to you and make you feel good,” Hyungwon gasped into his mouth, lean arms curling around him and pressing him closer to the beautiful, naked man below him. Separating their lips the black-haired man moaned before focusing on his face, eyes much darker than they had been. “W- would you- would you like my mouth?”   
  
Hoseok wanted to think about it, but the only thing on his mind happened to be Hyungwon, who had gotten ready for him. He was going crazy. __  
__  
_ You’re nuts, you crazy bastard. _ __  
__  
“Yes, oh god, Hyungwon, you’re driving me mad, fuck,” he moaned and threw himself next to the other man, breathing heavily from all the images in his head.

The black-haired man seemed fascinated by his reaction, chewing on his lower lip as he watched him intently, chest rising and falling quicker than usual. Then he sat up, crawling a little closer on all fours, his equally long and slim erection pressing against his lower stomach. Hyungwon wanted him.

“W-what do you want me to do, Hoseok?”   
  
He just thought about Hyungwon’s gorgeous body sliding down his dick and it was a very bad thing.   
  
“I- just touch me like you want to, I just want to feel you, no matter how,” he whispered and closed his eyes for a couple of seconds. Lack of resources was a scary thing.

Hyungwon seemed hesitant for a few seconds, pulling his lips into his mouth and shifting on his knees, body on display despite the lack of light in the room. A few more moments passed until he finally reached out and let his long fingers travel over Hoseok’s chest, exploring every little dip and inch of skin. A harsh exhale left the other man as his hands slid over Hoseok’s shoulders, arms and muscular thighs, squeezing a little like he wanted to commit the sensation to memory. The black-haired man's fingers eventually closed around his thick erection, grasping it tightly as Hyungwon leaned in and licked over the tip with his tongue, moaning himself right after.

Hoseok sunk his fingers into Hyungwon's black hair and almost pushed the other man down but got himself under control in the last second. His dick twitched in Hyungwon's grip and he moaned. _  
_

The other man whimpered at his reaction, pulling his own thighs together, as if to increase friction or keep himself in check, before closing his lips around the head of his dick and sucking harshly. Vibrations kept moving through him at the way Hyungwon reacted himself.

After digging his tongue into his slit, the black-haired man released his erection and glanced up, breathing heavily and eyes big.

“You- you can push me if you like- it- it's okay,” Hyungwon whispered, slim thighs trembling at the words.

“Fuck, I just don't want to do anything you don't like.” It was hilarious how he said it and immediately tightened his grip in the other man's hair, ready to thrust into his warm mouth.

“I- I'll pinch you if I don't like something,” Hyungwon replied carefully, breath hitching at the way Hoseok pulled his hair. The other man reacted instantly to the rough treatment, lips parting and erection twitching although he had pulled his thighs together to control himself.

‘Shit’ was the only word he could bring out before he pushed Hyungwon’s head against his crotch slowly, giving the other man the possibility to accommodate. He felt like boiling lava, body screaming for release after all the images Hyungwon had planted inside his head accidentally.

The handsome man inhaled deeply and continued breathing through his nose as he opened his mouth and let Hoseok slip in as far as he liked. His big eyes fluttered shut and an intense moan sent vibrations through his erection.

It sounded and felt so good, the way Hyungwon was reacting to him, to everything he did although he didn't even touch the other man properly.

_ You better give him special treatment for being this good to you. _

Hoseok picked up pace and thrust up a little, feeling how the coil kept tightening further, fueled by the arousing sight and the way Hyungwon seemed to enjoy the rougher treatment.

“Fuck, I'm close, Hyungwon,” he moaned, watching how his length entered and left the other man's plump, swollen lips.

The black-haired man merely hummed, interrupting the frequent moans that he produced himself. The full lips tightened even more before moving lower, thereby allowing Hoseok to thrust deeper into his throat, hitting the back of it. Hyungwon was holding his breath and digging his long fingers into his hips as a few tears made their way past his eyelids.

His body tensed and he released himself with a low moan, panting and stroking over Hyungwon's head repeatedly. The other was careful, sucking his way up after swallowing and wiping over his mouth with the back of his hand. His erection was painfully hard between his legs as he panted heavily, pupils completely blown.

“Oh my god-" Hyungwon simply murmured, sitting down on his calves between Hoseok’s legs, voice rough. “Y- you are so mesmerizing- and your reactions- oh my god, Hoseok.”

“I'm going to treat you for being such a good boy for me, fuck, you deserve every-fucking-thing.” Panting loudly he swallowed a couple of times and licked his lips to return moisture. “But you have to do what I say okay?”

It was crazy how quickly Hyungwon nodded, lips parting and gaze not leaving his, like the other was living off every word that he spoke. His boyfriend was so fucking eager.

_ He's simply perfect, Hoseok. _

He reached for the lube and put it next to his side before focusing his gaze on Hyungwon's ridiculously handsome face. The other man looked so beautiful with his red lips, swollen from taking his length and big brown eyes, staring at him in anticipation.

“Be a good boy and come sit on my face,” he whispered, beckoning the handsome man over with his index finger.

“I-" Hyungwon looked a little embarrassed but moved towards him nevertheless, curling his hands around the headboard and appearing a little unsure on what exactly he had to do. Placing one thigh over Hoseok’s body, next to his shoulder, he stopped, staring down at him and chewing on his lower lip. “It'll be so c-close.”

“Fuck, you're gorgeous,” Hoseok whispered and grabbed Hyungwon's slim hips, pulling them towards his face and pushing down, such that he was able to lick over the other man's entrance, teasing him with his tongue.

Hyungwon gasped, thighs contracting and hands audibly scratching over the surface they were holding onto.

“Oh my god- Hoseok- are you- fuck- oh my fucking god-" the other babbled, pressing his head to the wall and pushing his ass down a little, like he wanted to feel more. “Shit- I'm sorry.”

He had no idea why Hyungwon was sorry, because he sure as fuck was not, drawing circles and kissing the other man before pushing his tongue in along with pressing Hyungwon’s hips further down against it.

“Fuck-" the beautiful man cursed loudly, hitting his head against the wall with enough force that he jerked at the sensation and flexed his thighs. Hyungwon's tight body was pulling him deeper inside of him with the way it convulsed, loud moan accompanying the action with something that sounded a lot like his name. “I- oh my god- oh my fucking god- I can't t-think.”

Hyungwon didn't get the purpose, because he wasn't supposed to think, he was supposed to moan and enjoy it.

Hoseok picked up pace, basically fucking the other man with his tongue while pushing Hyungwon's delicious ass against his lips.

He must have overwhelmed the beautiful man as he whimpered, coherency disappearing and moans and groans raining from his lips. The arm that Hyungwon attempted to cover his mouth with wasn't much help with the way his slim body shook at the ministrations, barely holding up.

Hoseok slowed down and removed his hands, reaching for the bottle of lube and covering his fingers. He pushed Hyungwon up a little, sliding two digits into his body and brushing over the sensitive spot in the process.

“Come down so you can fuck my mouth too,” he said and moved his fingers after giving the other man time to adjust.

Hyungwon appeared delirious as he nodded quickly and slid his thighs a little lower, almost screaming at the way Hoseok’s fingers shifted inside of him.

“H-Hoseok- you- fuck- I want you so much,” he moaned and placed his palms flat against the wall, like he struggled to keep his body upright. “So- fucking much- fuck.”

“I want you too, fuck, I can't think of anything else apart from that,” he murmured and let Hyungwon's length slide into his mouth, sucking on it and tracing the prominent veins with his tongue.

Hyungwon screamed, falling forward a little and panting right after, whimpering when he didn't have the strength to moan loudly. He was gorgeous when he was wrecked like that. The angle must have been particularly good with how he completely lost it, pushing down and keeping the muscles in his legs tensed, ass contracting around his fingers repeatedly.

“F-faster,” the black-haired man gasped suddenly, burying his hands in the wall and pressing his forehead against it, mixture of moans and screams leaving his lips.

He was so fucking hot.

Hoseok complied and waited for an especially loud moan to push in a third finger, deepthroating the gorgeous man on top of him.

“Oh my god- please- please, Hoseok,” Hyungwon began begging, screaming at the mixed sensations and almost collapsing next to the wall, not using the strength of his arms anymore but merely pressing his whole body against it as he moaned. “Please- I- oh my god.”

Hoseok wanted to fuck him so badly.

Instead he just picked up the pace with his fingers while making sure that the angle was right, teasing the tip of Hyungwon's dick with his tongue before sliding all the way down and moaning at his gorgeous reactions.

The other man wasn't even able to warn him as his body convulsed, thighs squeezing him tightly and entrance pulling his fingers in as Hyungwon screamed and came down his throat, basically falling to the side with how his muscles just gave out. Hoseok slipped his fingers out and wiped the lube on the sheets before taking Hyungwon's gorgeous body and pulling it on top of himself. He licked his lips, tasting the other man on his tongue and smiled.

Hyungwon appeared a little out of it, breathing heavily, eyes wide and lying limp on top of him, like he had no strength to hug him back.

“O- oh my god,” the other whispered after a while, staring at Hoseok in shock. “I'm sorry.”

“You better not be sorry, shit how am I supposed to suppress the wish to fuck you?” he whispered more to himself and curled his arms tightly around Hyungwon's back.

“Y- you don't have to suppress it, d-do you? If you- you really want to be with someone l- like me that is,” the black-haired man whispered in reply and shifted on top of him, apparently still sensitive with how he gasped. “You- you make me feel so much. Oh my god. I want to- I w-want to be able to satisfy you so bad.”

“Wait, I'm not having sex with you so you can satisfy me, that is not the point.” Hoseok crawled up a little and let his hands roam over Hyungwon's beautiful, naked back.

“It's- it's not just t-that. It makes me feel good too- I just- I want to see you go mad, feel pleasure like- like when you lost it last time.” Hyungwon finished talking and immediately hid his face in the crook of his neck, warm breath tickling the area behind his ear. “Fuck- my whole body is on fire.”

“I really want to give you everything you want, you deserve everything, Hyungwon. I love you,” he murmured and kissed Hyungwon's soft cheek.

“I love you too,” the low voice replied as the hot body pressed further against his. “Just- don't treat me like I'm going to break all the time, I won't- I- I think that I might not deserve someone as beautiful and wonderful as you, but it doesn't mean that I can't take you acting normally towards me, or throwing me around and manhandling me and whatever else you do with your sexual partners. I want to do what you want, Hoseok.”

_ He realized that you're weird with him. _

“But how do you expect me to throw you around and fuck you against the wall, if you immediately say sorry after enjoying pleasure or telling me what you want? How is that supposed to work?” Hoseok asked and stared at Hyungwon's black hair, trying to suppress the thoughts from before.

The other man was chewing on his cheek, visibly uncomfortable and glancing to the side.

“I- I didn't apologize for enjoying it. I just- felt that you told me to keep still while- while you- were in me with your tongue- but I didn't and couldn't keep my body up so I apologized,” he mumbled eventually. “I'm sorry for having no strength in my arms and begging although you told me to be a good b-boy and do as- as you say.”

“You were such a good boy, Hyungwon. You were moaning so prettily and how you pushed down against my tongue and my fingers, fuck, I'm getting hard again just from thinking about it. You're seriously everything I consider attractive in one person.” Hoseok licked his lips and smiled.

Hyungwon visibly blushed, glancing to the side and stroking over the skin of his shoulders as he intertwined their legs and hummed quietly.

“You make me so happy, Hoseok. J-just be natural with me, even if I'm inexperienced. I- I really like it.”

“I'm also inexperienced. I have no idea about proper relationships and I suck at being a good boyfriend.” He really didn't want to start it, but Hyungwon's absolutely delusional picture of him forced him to at least say something true instead of agreeing on all the praise.

“But I like you this way. Isn't that enough?” the low voice asked hesitantly, staring at him from in between black bangs, sticking to the pretty forehead. “You write to me a lot and you visit me, you find me attractive, you care about me and you love me. I could never ask for more, I'm happy, Hoseok.”

“I- I guess it's fine if it's enough for you.” He curled his arms tighter and hoped that Hyungwon was right, feeling how warmth transcended between their bodies without words and clarifications, without communication.

Just like that.

_

 

He had another dream again. He stood on the veranda with Ben. He looked much healthier than Hoseok remembered him. It must’ve been a memory from the time he had first met the tall boy in very loose clothes.   
  
‘I see you have found someone. Someone incredibly beautiful, just like you deserve,’ Ben said and smiled at him. It looked a little sad. Hoseok stepped closer, but the other man didn’t let him, taking a step back as soon as he tried.   
  
‘It’s not that I deserve it, I don’t deserve it, Ben, I’ll only make him miserable, just like you.’ Hoseok felt like crying, he really wanted to come closer but it was impossible.   
  
‘I’m so happy for you, maybe you can finally forget that I existed and live your life in peace, date him and be close in the way we’ve never been.’ Ben pulled a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket. After taking a closer look, he realized that it had been his packet. The one he had kept in his cupboard. He watched how the other man’s bony fingers opened the lid, showing one last cigarette. ‘Here, it’s time to finally get rid of all of this, don’t you think?’ Ben smiled again.   
  
He didn’t take the cigarette. Instead he had woken up, shivering and covered in sweat.   
  
_ You can’t just act as if you’re fine. You’re obviously not, this is going to end in a tragedy for you and for everyone around you if you don’t get your shit together soon. _ __  
__  
Hoseok really wanted to get his shit together, but he had to work. Pulling his white gown over his broad shoulders, he walked over to the counter and started preparing the orders. The door opened slowly and Susan came in, smiling brightly.   
  
“Are you always waiting for me, or are you working so much that you’re simply here when I decide to come over?” The older woman smiled brightly and sat down on one of the chairs next to the counter.   
  
“I’m working quite a bit, I have to pay stuff. But it also has its bright sides, like seeing you for example.” Hoseok winked and laughed right after. “Do you want coffee? We have a coffee machine for employees now, but I’d just be illegal for you and make you one if you want.”   
  
Susan shook her head and smiled, pulling a big container out of her bag.   
  
“Look, I brought something for you. I really love baking, you know, and you’re such a good eater. I made more so you can share it with Hyungwon. Was his name Hyungwon?”   
  
_ She’s a saint. _ __  
__  
“Yes, he seemed to really like it last time and he should totally eat all of it with his terrible appetite.” Hoseok chuckled and took the heavy box from Susan’s hands that were slightly shaking. She curled her slim fingers around one of his wrists and pulled him down a little.   
  
“Sit down, tell me how you’re doing, you look tired,” the older woman commented and looked at his face intently. Well, it wasn’t hard to tell, he had trouble sleeping and tried to sabotage his thoughts by being extra busy.   
  
_ You’re doing bad. _ __  
__  
“I’m okay I guess, I’m working and studying and doing stuff for mom and also meeting up with Hyungwon sometimes,” he commented and curled his fingers tighter around the heavy box.   
  
“But why sometimes? He seemed to really like you and he is really shy and self-conscious. It must be hard for him to tell you what he wants, I think you might need to take initiative. You really surprise me, I thought you were someone who pulls through if he wants something or someone.” Susan had known about his lifestyle, they were pretty close for an employee and a customer, she knew about his problems with his family, his non-existent relationships and his mood swings. It had been easy to get close, back when the very elegant looking woman in her sixties had walked into the pharmacy for the first time, three years ago.   
  
“Because I- I don’t know, Susan. I don’t know if I’m someone who can make him happy, or someone who will make everything worse.” He closed his eyes for a couple of seconds, trying to forget his dream, but it kept coming back. “There is something that doesn’t let me, I just have an experience from before that suggests I’m better off alone, because I can hurt people and misunderstand and not be able to do anything because I’m ignorant. Ah- I’m sorry, it’s just hard because it’s the first time in almost four years now. I don’t know.” He leaned down and hit his head against the food container with a loud noise. It was silent but he felt how Susan’s hand stroked over his hair.   
  


_ You should be the one taking care of people, instead they’re the ones taking care of you. _ __  
__  
“Imagine standing on the red pedestrian light, the person you really like stands on the other side. You wait and it turns green and you really want to go, but then you start thinking, what if you get hit by a car, or you get lost in the crowd, what if the other person doesn’t want to see you? You think those thoughts and the light turns red again and you have to wait for your chance. Of course all those things could happen, but why would you care? It’s not for you to decide. Also the person on the other side could get tired from waiting, or think that you don’t want to come over and leave? And you would be standing at that stupid traffic light, contemplating life decisions instead of being proactive and doing something. You know, it’s always better if you’ve done something, even if you fail.” Susan’s voice was really warm, she spoke as if he was someone she genuinely liked and cared about. It might have sounded strange while having parents and a brother, but it was one of those moments when he genuinely felt loved.   
  
_ And you are standing at the red light like an idiot, scared and broken. _ __  
__  
“I’m a coward,” he whispered and lifted his head.   
  
“You’re one of the bravest people I know, Hoseok. Act like it.” The older woman patted his back and stood up. “I still have the medication, I just wanted to make sure that you’re fine and that Hyungwon eats, he looked skinny.” A sad smile played around the wrinkly mouth corners as the blonde woman left the pharmacy.   
  
_ Act like it. _ __  
  


_  
_ ***

 

It felt good somehow. 

Hyungwon's bony hands were rubbing over the kitchen counter, using a wet cloth to make sure to get most of the dirt out and make it look at least partially acceptable.

He wasn't lying to himself, he sucked at cleaning and it was probably going to look like shit but at least he tried. Kyungwon also had a life and the one time his brother got a maid to clean his apartment, Hyungwon had freaked out so much that he just lived as a pig until it got to be too much and he had to do something about it.

_ Or until Kyungwon just cleans it because he can't see it anymore. _

The fact that Hyungwon even had the strength to clean was very encouraging somehow and cheered him up. It meant that he must have been doing pretty well, able to get things done, study at least a little bit and do what he liked.

_ Like dancing. _

The regular dance practises with Hyunwoo weren't perfect, not at all. He still lacked the precision and fucked up more often than not, but at least he was somehow dancing. Maybe he would get there with enough time.

_ Just don't stop and don't drown in your thoughts again. _

The only thing that wasn't really going well was his ability to communicate with his boyfriend. Sure, he replied to messages and made sure to share a little of himself, but it still looked very one-sided. Apart from that one time he had just spammed Hoseok with pics of Shrimp, but that was just embarrassing.

_ Feeding Shrimp is probably the only thing you never stop doing. At least that. _

He missed Hoseok. The other man was just so busy with trying to work, earn money and please everyone that Hyungwon wanted to fill up one of those SOS packages for unprivileged children in other countries and give it to Hoseok, just so he would feel better.

_ But you suck at getting yourself to do things. _

He did, but he had also prepared at least six presents for Hoseok that he kept on his kitchen counter in the hope that he would get himself to finally give them to the blonde man. It was basically everything that he had realised during his short stay at Hoseok’s, things that seemed old and the beautiful man might have needed, or just stuff that had appeared useful. There was also a t-shirt that he had bought although he had no idea why he wanted to give Hoseok clothes. It just seemed like something he might have liked.

_ You're basically the personification of gay panic, Hyungwon. What the fuck? _

Shrimp was rubbing against his leg, trying to get his attention, which was bad because he was in the middle of using toxic substances to eliminate his past life as a pig.

“I'm busy, Shrimp, you should come cuddle when Hoseok is here so I can finally show him what a hoe for touching you actually are,” he murmured and stepped to the side, earning a look that appeared very judgemental despite Shrimp being a cat with literally three facial expressions. Asleep, awake and pissed.

Hyungwon had just managed to rub off a particularly nasty stain from the stove when the bell rang and he almost sprayed chloride in his face.

_ You're such an idiot. _

He dropped everything he was holding into the sink and only bothered to take one glove off, as he ran to the door and hoped it wasn't the neighbours asking him for eggs again. It had been weird to explain that he didn't have any and basically lived off pizza and burgers. Crackers too.   
  
But it was Hoseok. Bright, blonde hair covered the other man’s pale forehead and dark-brown eyes immediately caught his gaze like a magnet.   
  
“Hey, are you busy? Can I come in?” It was funny how the other man had just entered his apartment back when they’d met the first couple of times, but regained manners in the process and always asked for consent.

“Since- since when do you ask?” Hyungwon asked, bright smile developing on his lips at the ability to see the other man. He had really missed him. “Before you just- w-walked in.”   
  
“Since I realized that I won’t just give you a wrecking ball of pleasure and leave, but stay around to fuck everything up,” Hoseok murmured and slipped under his arm, before placing a big container with something on the floor next to him while taking his shoes off.

_ Before he planned to give you pleasure and leave? He said something else before.  _

“W- was that your previous plan?” He closed the door and glanced down at the other man, wondering what was in the container. “You haven't seen fucking up until you’ve laid eyes on my cleaning attempts,” he mumbled and felt embarrassed about still wearing that stupid glove.   
  
“I simply didn’t do anything else before, that’s why you can’t really say that it had been a plan.” Looking up Hoseok spotted the glove he was wearing. “Well, I don’t really care as long you don’t dip your hand in clorex and touch my dick with it, I guess. Do you need help? I’m really good at not being a pig.”

_ And there he goes being an angel and wanting to compensate for your incompetence.  _

“W-well, you don't have to- I just- realized it's bad. I struggle with- with motivation.” He shifted from one leg to the other and bit down on his lower lip, hoping that Hoseok didn't consider him disgusting.

_ But you kinda are. You can never get yourself to do anything. _

“I'm just a pig,” he admitted eventually and glanced to the side, hoping to find Shrimp but she was nowhere in sight.   
  
“Well, it always depends on what you feel comfortable with. I think I couldn’t live together with someone who has the same standards of tidiness. I’d get so fucking annoyed. But it doesn’t matter to me, as long you’re here.” Hoseok smiled and stood up, taking the food container along to the kitchen.

_ He just wants you close. _

Hyungwon felt emotional at the words alone but made sure not to be sappy and show it. At least he hoped that he wasn't showing it.

“Kyungwon always says ‘the only thing that's allowed to be messy is sex’, but obviously he didn't pull that through with me. Otherwise it wouldn't look as bad as it does.” Hyungwon sighed again and leaned against the kitchen counter, still staring at the container that Hoseok placed on the kitchen table. “What's that?”   
  
“My brain just got stuck at sex and then there was Kyungwon pulling through, oh god- either way, Susan baked us cake and told me to give you half of it because you should eat it.” Hoseok shook his head, obviously trying to make sense of his own thoughts before he opened the lid.

Hyungwon couldn't help but laugh at the other man's facial expression. It looked like he had imagined the incarnation of ‘disturbing’, eyebrows pulling together.

_ He looks different when he imagines you, doesn't he? _

In addition it was difficult not to be happy about home baked cake.

“She can join the list of old ladies that want to stuff my face with food because they think I'm too thin,” he commented and got a little closer, staring inside the box to see what the cake looked like. “This looks delicious, oh my god.”   
  
“Susan never disappoints. Can’t wait to watch you stuff it into your mouth.” Hoseok grinned and sat down, propping his elbows against the table and placing his head into his palms.

Hyungwon grinned back, for some reason feeling rather proud of his stuffing skills and just grabbed a chunk of cake with his fingers before placing it inside his mouth. It didn't only look delicious but melted on his tongue. It must have been some type of layered honey cake with cream, filling out his mouth in a matter of seconds and making him moan at the taste. It was really good.

Unfortunately he had been fascinated enough to look to the side and see his mass of packaged presents for Hoseok, the presents he didn't hide anywhere and just left on the counter, wrapped with his shitty wrapping skills.

_ Fuck. _

Unable to help himself he inhaled suddenly and choked on the cake, bending over and trying to get oxygen into his lungs while getting cake crumbs out.

_ Why are you so embarrassing? Oh god. _

Hoseok immediately jumped up and hit his back lightly, probably worried that he’d choke.

‘One should only choke on dick,’ Minhyuk’s voice repeated in his head and he almost burst out laughing, making the whole thing worse. Luckily coughing a little solved the issue as he grasped the edge of the table and finally managed to suck a few much needed gulps of air into his lungs.

__ It just doesn't solve the fact that you bought him shitloads of stuff and are too afraid to give it to him.  
  
“Are you okay? You better not choke in front of my eyes, I just wanted to see you eat.” Hoseok hit his back again, this time without any necessity.

“Don't worry, Minhyuk always says-" Hyungwon stopped himself just in time. His brain had probably suffered a little from the short oxygen break. “N-nevermind- you should also- also eat some.” He gestured towards the box, eyes still shifting to the presents once in a while.

_ Maybe you can give him one? _

_ But what if he won't like it? Or you choose the wrong one? _ __  
__  
“Minhyuk either said something about dick or ass, but if it’s about choking, then it’s the first. Why are you looking over all the time, do you have a secret lover hidden somewhere?” Hoseok grinned and let his gaze slide over his body for no reason.

Hyungwon could feel his eyes widen and panic move up his throat.

_ Gay panic. _

“W- what? No- as if- as if anybody would be interested. I don't want a lover, I like y-you,” he forced out and shook his head quickly, followed by both his arms as he stared at the wrapped presents again. “It's just- I- I kinda- got something. For you.”   
  
“A present? Do you plan on giving it to me, or did you realize that it was a waste of money?” The blonde man let himself fall onto the kitchen chair and stuffed a piece of cake into his mouth, chewing on it like a bunny. Hyungwon loved it, he loved it so fucking much that he just wanted to squeeze his pale cheeks and kiss him.

But he didn't, because he was a coward.

“Of c- course it wasn't a waste of money. I just- I'm scared that you won't- won't like it,” Hyungwon murmured and stepped a little closer to the gifts, hoping Hoseok wouldn't think that he was a freak for getting several. “It's- it's not just one.”   
  
“Wow, I should’ve also gotten you something, I don’t know how to boyfriend, I’m sorry,” Hoseok murmured and licked a couple of crumbs from his lips.

“W-what- no! I have everything. I just thought- thought you might be happy but you might also hate it and I'm so fucking sorry if you do.” Hyungwon bit his lower lip painfully and just grabbed the first present his hands settled on and handed it to Hoseok, standing next to him awkwardly and playing with his hands. It must have been the razor.   
  
Hoseok stared at him for a couple of seconds before focusing his attention on unwrapping the present. There was a bright smile on the other man’s cheeks, it continued after he had unpacked everything else, staring at him in positive disbelief.

_ He's happy. He likes it. It's okay, Hyungwon. _   
  
“Okay, but you officially gave me more presents in one day than my parents in the past five years. Not that I’m sulky, but you must’ve thought about me a lot. Why didn’t you come?” The blonde man looked up and his expression looked really warm.

_ Really, Hyungwon, why can't you just fucking do it? _

He swallowed and pulled at the skin of his fingers, feeling a little out of place in his own kitchen with how he just stood there while Hoseok was sitting down.

“I- I don't know. I want to- I really do! But then there's just something that keeps me from it. I feel like I would disturb you. You're so busy- or there will only be your friend, or you won't be in the mood to see me- or I'll look really ugly and you'll change your mind about me. There are just so many things that scare me and I can't fucking do it.” Hyungwon inhaled sharply and forced himself not to randomly cry out of self pity. It was stupid. “Last time I came because Kyungwon forced me, telling me to go if I want to see you. He even pressed the doorbell for me. I'm sorry, Hoseok, I'm fucking hopeless.”   
  
His boyfriend stood up and closed the distance. Lifting his hand, Hoseok grabbed his chin with thumb and index finger.   
  
“I guess that’s why she told me that the other person kept standing at the red traffic light,” the blonde man murmured and it didn’t make sense. “I’m sorry, I should be the one to come and to write and to do all those things. I’m sorry for fueling your anxiety by staying away.”

_ But it isn't his fault at all. _

“But why would you apologize, Hoseok? You have so much to take care of, why should you have to take care of me too? I'm just a bother. Other people get their shit together and just visit and then there's me, fucking hopeless. I should be sorry, sorry for stealing your time.” Hyungwon's thoughts immediately returned, reminding him of what kind of person Hoseok was compared to him. It was like a compliment alone or just the hint that someone cared was enough for his head to feel the necessity to prove the other person wrong. “Fuck- I'm just spilling bullshit again. I just- I love you and know nothing apart from that, Hoseok.”   
  
“I apologized because I look like I’m all that, but actually I’m really fucked in the head. You’re not a bother at all, I really love spending time with you, but I’m- I was hesitant too because I’m scared of myself. I’ll try harder to be a better person towards you.” Hoseok looked serious, searching for a reaction in his gaze.

Hyungwon felt his lips tremble as he stared back, warm fingers still holding onto his chin. It was intimate somehow, like every breath he took was too loud with how close they were.

“Why- why are you scared of yourself, Hoseok?” he whispered, reaching out slowly to hold onto Hoseok’s sides, intertwining his fingers with the fabric of the other man's shirt. “To me you already seem to be trying so- so hard. It's difficult to like someone like me.”   
  
“Oh no, it’s so easy to like you. I liked you after a couple of minutes. You were so shy, although you’re so incredibly beautiful. It’s complicated, it seems as if there’s an internal stopper, preventing me from getting closer. I’m scared that I'd hurt you, which is bullshit because I can hurt you like this too. I want to get closer to you, Hyungwon, I want to know everything about you, although I’m still fucking scared.” The other man’s straight, white teeth settled down on his bottom lip after his last words along with his exhales that seemed more rough.

It felt overwhelming somehow, to have someone show so much genuine affection towards him without the need to do so. Hoseok did it just like that, for free, even feeling afraid that he might hurt him although Hyungwon felt like he would have forgiven him for anything.

“I- I want you close too,” he whispered and leaned in, carefully pressing his lips to Hoseok’s and closing his eyes. It felt warm and so intimate, like every kiss they had shared before was just a test, a trial to find out what it really felt like. The feeling was a little different, like excitement that mixed with a whole rollercoaster of emotions in his stomach and made him wish to just embrace the blonde man and never let go. He wanted to just curl his whole body around the muscular shoulders and thighs and be attached forever. “I wish I could be a part of you,” he murmured against the soft, curved lips.   
  
“You wouldn’t like it, it sucks,” Hoseok murmured back before attaching his lips properly and licking into his mouth. The other man tasted like cake, delicious. Hyungwon felt Hoseok’s hands curl around his thighs, lifting him up and placing him on the kitchen counter.

“Oh god-" he gasped before he could help himself. There was something about intense body contact and him being incredibly vocal, he just couldn't help it although it was probably annoying. “To- to me you are wonderful,” he whispered, tightening his hands in Hoseok’s shirt and pulling him closer towards himself.

_ If only you could really melt into him, stop being you. _

The blonde man was so beautiful, pretty, almost black eyes, curved lips, a soft jaw and a mesmerizing smile. In addition he was so fucking caring and really liked him, although there was nothing to like. It still felt like a dream that he could wake up from any second. Hyungwon didn't want to wake up.

“The way you react, I can't believe that it's only because of me, it's crazy,” Hoseok whispered and buried his head in the crook of his neck, kissing his naked skin.

“I- I love to watch your f-face, to- to see you feel good,” he murmured quietly, trying hard to suppress a gasp that was already at the tip of his tongue. His body felt hot from the way Hoseok stood between his legs and nibbled on the skin of his neck. It made him feel so fucking desirable even though he wasn't. Hoseok was a living wet dream, someone who wouldn't have even turned his head at Hyungwon during a lecture. He was invisible usually, but with Hoseok it suddenly seemed like he mattered so much. It was like a sudden revelation. “I c- can't believe that someone like you- like you really likes me. I'm so boring.”

“Someone like me is like a pretty car, Hyungwon. You look at it and it's so beautiful, you sit in there, on the leather seats and it feels super nice until you realize that the engine is broken and you can't go anywhere. You're not boring, you give me the feeling that I might be able to develop, to deal with my past and to finally have a proper relationship with someone I love.” Hoseok looked sad somehow.

It hurt to hear the beautiful man talk like that, like he was of the opinion that he was rotten from the inside.

_ But you thought the same about you. _

_ Think, you think the same. _

“I- I want to help you so much, Hoseok. You c-care so much and seem so fascinating to me, I can't imagine you would think of yourself as broken. To me you are everything- everything I ever wanted and more.” Hyungwon swallowed, a little overwhelmed by his own words and the way the other man looked at him. He reached out to stroke over the blonde hair and close the distance between their lips, licking over the delicious curved mouth and closing his eyes for a few seconds, inhaling the other man's scent.

“If- if someone is broken then it is me. I switch between being a shadow of a person and a piece of rotten fruit.” He didn't know why he said it, it just came out, thought developing quickly and taking over his head until he said it.

_ Because it's true. _

Hoseok leaned back and looked at him.

“I don't know which one you've showed me up until now but I've liked it all. I just want to shut your mouth if you say that you're ugly or anything else ridiculous, but otherwise you're you and I want to know more.”

Hyungwon swallowed again, feeling emotional and biting down on his lower lip.

“I want you to see it. I- I never wanted anybody to see it before but I w- want it to be you, Hoseok,” he whispered and buried his fingers further into the muscular shoulders, breath hitching a little and eyes burning. “I'll show you e-everything and hope that- that you'll stay.”

“I will. I don't want to be without you.” The other man closed the distance and kissed him, curling his strong arms around his waist and pulling him flush against his muscular chest.

_ He really wants to be with you, no matter what you keep telling him. _

“I- I love being close to you. You- you are a-able to make me forget my fears,” Hyungwon whispered into the other man's mouth and hugged his neck, feeling how their bodies touched. He was so thin compared to Hoseok. It felt like he was able to just escape into the other’s embrace and forget everything. “I love you.”

“And I love you,” Hoseok whispered in between his kisses, as if his life depended on it. Hyungwon felt how the other man's breathing pattern changed as his muscular arms pressed him closer. It felt intense.

“Shit, I always plan on staying composed but go absolutely crazy as soon as I see you, fuck,” Hoseok groaned.

_ But he has been so much closer to others, why you? _

“But- but isn't being close to me like smelling flowers through a gas mask compared to what you could have?” he asked, hesitant and unable to help his immediate concerns. Hoseok was always careful with him, stroking over his damaged skin and calming him down although he probably preferred to go all out and not have to worry about him breaking like a bad toy.

_ An unused toy, but still a bad one. _ __  
__  
“It’s not, it’s like finally being able to take the gas mask off, Hyungwon,” Hoseok breathed out against his lips. He didn’t have time to answer as the other man pulled his shirt over his head.

Hyungwon gasped and squeezed his eyes shut, overwhelmed that the blonde man focused on him so much. Especially since it should have been him, Hyungwon should have been focusing on him, touch his skin and make him feel good. 

“I-" He was still not used to being undressed, not in front of Hoseok and not in front of himself, but the shirt was still more bearable than the sight of his legs. It wasn't dark either, the last rays of sunshine still shone through the big kitchen window. “I s- should be the one to u- undress you.”   
  
“No, I will undress you and I will make you feel good and you better show me how much you like it,” Hoseok hissed and attached his lips to the skin of his collarbones, licking over them and travelling further down, licking and sucking on a nipple harshly.

Hyungwon moaned, it was difficult not to with how the touches sent sparks from the point of contact downwards. Hoseok appeared to really enjoy touching him, closing his eyes and brushing the beautifully curved lips over his skin.

_ He likes your body, you always forget it but he does. You should do what he says. _

It was a little difficult to stay seated like that so he spread his legs to accommodate Hoseok better and leaned back on his arms, holding his weight and hoping he would be able to do that for long enough instead of just falling backwards and lying on the counter.   
  
“You’re such a good boy, fuck,” Hoseok groaned and pulled Hyungwon’s sweatpants down, far enough to free his erection and curl his fingers around it. The other man’s free hand pulled his lower body further towards Hoseok’s curved, red lips.

Hyungwon hadn't even been aware of his body reacting with arousal to such a degree until the blonde touched him and evoked a loud moan, thighs shaking at the sudden perceptions.

_ He can make you react. _

“J-just for you,” he gasped and slipped down to his elbows, especially with how Hoseok pulled him forward without a warning. “Oh god.”   
  
“Mhm, I know, makes me want to make you scream,” Hoseok commented before taking the tip of his erection into his mouth and sucking on it without hesitation. Both hands curled around his hips and Hoseok pushed them against his mouth, taking him deeper and humming over his dick, lips tightening around him.

“Fuck- god- Hoseok- shit-" Hyungwon cursed in succession, unable to express the way he felt at the sudden pleasure. Hoseok was always so overwhelming, just grabbing him and driving him absolutely mad. He loved it, he loved it so much that he just wanted the blonde man to throw him around all the time and do what he liked. Hyungwon moaned and threw his head to the side, hitting the wall below one of the kitchen drawers and hissing at the sudden pain.    
  
Hoseok’s lips left him all of a sudden, and he was being carried to his room and thrown on top of his bed. The blonde head immediately appeared between his legs, pulling his pants down further and biting into his inner thigh.   
  
“This should be more convenient,” the other man chuckled and took him back into his warm, tight mouth, sucking harshly and using both hands to push him deeper. Hyungwon couldn't help but groan, pushing his head into the soft pillows and trying not to thrust into Hoseok’s mouth, after all the other man hadn't told him to do so.

“Y- you're driving me mad,” he whispered, covering his mouth with his underarm while his eyes were focused on the way his erection disappeared between Hoseok’s pretty, red lips. It felt like watching something surreal, something he wasn't supposed to be involved in but was, feeling every little burst of pleasure himself instead of through someone else. “It's- it's so strange to be the one- the one to-" He couldn't finish with how Hoseok dug his tongue into his slit and sucked at the same time. Fuck.

Hoseok was staring at him from under his blonde bangs, the other man's intense gaze basically pierced through him while his pink tongue and mouth were pleasing him.

It was crazy how the muscular man was able to keep his eyes focused on him, to look at him as if he was worth looking at. Hyungwon's lips parted and he moaned, trying to hold the intense gaze as his legs shook from the intensity of the pleasure that soared through him, taking up all the space in his chest and abdomen and tingling along his fingertips. He could feel the coil tightening in his groin, just because of the sight in front of him, the way Hoseok looked at him.

“I- I think I'm close,” he whispered, unable to look away and hands grabbing the sheets next to his thighs.

Hoseok hummed and slid all the way down, burying his fingers in the skin covering his hips, resulting in light pain combined with the wrecking pleasure. Hyungwon threw his head back and moaned, keeping his hands to himself and feeling his whole body tense in the mixture as he released himself into Hoseok’s beautiful mouth. It was simply crazy, mind blowing with how it erased his senses and only left the burning pleasure, still moving along his legs from the aftermath.

He was a little scared to open his eyes so he didn't, just lying in the sheets and breathing heavily. The fabric felt nice against his naked skin, but he didn't really want to see it. It was really bright outside and he wasn't sure how capable he was of dealing with his own self-conscious issues. In addition, he should have been the one to please Hoseok, but instead he just melted at the touches.

“I- I should be the one to p- please you,” he whispered, still keeping his eyes closed and teeth biting down on his lower lip.

Hoseok sucked up and licked over his tip once before placing a couple of kisses on his lower stomach and pulling his sweatpants back over his hips.

“Bullshit, I should be the one to please you until you can't walk anymore.” Hoseok let himself fall next to him and curled his arms tightly around his half naked body.

_ Oh god, please. _

Hyungwon exhaled sharply and hugged back as well as he could with his spent body. Until he realized that his thoughts were a little too private to be echoing through his bedroom, the way they just did.

_ You said it out loud, you idiot. _

“Oh god," he mumbled again and hid his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck, breathing in the scent of honey cake and pharmacy.

“What? Are you overwhelmed? You have to tell me if you don't like something, okay?” Hoseok stroked over his hair and kissed the top of his head.

_ And there he goes being careful with you again. _

Hyungwon did feel overwhelmed, but he liked it, much more than he liked being aware. He just couldn't express it without blushing and choking on air for some reason.

“N-no, I- I want you to p- please me until I can't- can't walk anymore,” he forced out and dug his face further into Hoseok’s pale skin, enjoying the soft texture against his lips. The blonde had such beautiful skin. “I just can't fucking t- talk.”   
  
“It’s okay, I understand what you’re trying to say. And you moan perfectly fine in addition to that.” Hoseok licked over his earlobe and exhaled hot air against his cheek. “I will please you until you can’t walk anymore, but first I want to know more about you, Hyungwon.”

“W-what would you like to know?” he asked and lifted his head a little, allowing himself to see the other man's pretty face.   
  
“Everything. Starting with the reason for hating yourself so much, to the situation when they had to break your door open. Tell me about it. All of it.” Hoseok looked absolutely serious, just that the pale cheeks had been covered in blush from pleasing him previous to that.

_ But why would he want to know all that? It's not nice at all. _

“You actually know why I hate myself already. I told you, I hate my skin, the way I look, the fact that I end up stuttering when I like someone and can't be myself, the fact that being myself is also not all that much and that they should have just kept Kyungwon. Yeah-" Hyungwon swallowed, feeling a little heavy at the outburst of thoughts that left his lips, as if they had just waited for him to let them go instead of suppressing them in his head. “I never do anything useful, I had to pause my studies and just waste my parents’ money instead of actually showing them achievements. I can't clean, I can't motivate myself to do anything, most of the time I just lie around and cuddle my cat, being the waste of breath that I am.”    
  
Hoseok listened without saying anything, he just let his fingers rake through his black hair.   
  
“Does it hurt? Do you feel in pain? Just- when Kihyun was at the hospital he talked about pain a lot, so I wanted to know whether it’s the same for you.” The blonde man spoke like someone who had thought about the topic a lot.

“Y-yeah,” Hyungwon began, thinking back to the last time he had just drowned in the thoughts, unable to get up or help himself. “It's- it's like a spiral of emotional pain, it just hurts and- and there is nothing I can do. My thoughts just spiral around the same thing, how I'm useless, pathetic, unable to do the most basic of things. They tell me all those things I did wrong and should be hated for and that I should just disappear. When- when I can't take it anymore I turn numb, but that's not for long. It's just a short period until it all comes back and drowns me. It just doesn't end.” Talking became a little harder the longer he did it, heaviness settling in his chest. It would have been easier if most of his thoughts weren't true. Rationally they maybe weren't, but it was absolutely meaningless.   
  
“I’m asking myself whether you think those thoughts because you’re in pain, like- to explain to yourself why it hurts so much, or if you’re in pain because the thoughts are there and it hurts?” The blonde man placed a soft kiss on his forehead and curled his arms tighter around his thin frame.

“I think- I think it starts with the thoughts. It always starts with something that I've done wrong or failed at, proving to myself how pathetic I am.” Hyungwon inhaled sharply to keep himself in check as he placed a kiss on Hoseok’s neck, hoping that it would calm him down a little. “When- when I was in the clinic, it was after a dance performance. I had to replace Hyunwoo and- I was so bad- I ruined everything. It was just the last drop so- so I started to plan properly, to think about when and how.”

_ When and how to die. _   
  
“Is there a possibility of breaking it? The cycle? Like now, when you are talking about it and I can intervene, say something or point out a different perspective? How did you end up in the hospital?” Hoseok put a little distance between them and got rid of his own shirt, hugging him again with their skin touching.

The warmth was nice, it calmed him down a little. At a different stage of his thoughts it might have been different, then he would have preferred to be on his own and nobody would be allowed to see him like that. But it was fine for now, it was what he needed.

“I- I don't know, Hoseok. Sometimes it's sufficient to point out where I'm wrong but whenever it's a personal preference it's just meaningless. Kyungwon could tell me every day that I'm beautiful but it just means nothing, absolutely nothing. My head doesn't believe a word of it, hiding and wishing to have perfect skin like him. It's hard to explain. Sometimes I just wish to be alone, to not have anybody see me at my worst. It's- it's really bad.” He took another deep breath and placed a kiss to Hoseok’s pale shoulder. The other man's skin tasted nice. It helped a little to talk about what he tried not to talk about. Everyone always felt impossibly uncomfortable about it, unable to deal with the thought. “The- the hospital? I- I tried to kill myself but it didn't work, so they brought me to the clinic.”   
  
“That’s why the door was cracked, right? What do you think, when you think back? Are you happy that it didn’t work, or are you sad?” Hoseok was so different, Hyungwon realized that they’ve never really talked about things like this.

_ What changed to make him ask you all that? He was so scared before. _

_ Like Kyungwon. _

“It's- it's different. Right now- I'm happy that it didn't work because I met you and I can be c- close to you. But-” Hyungwon paused, remembering the day he had returned from Hoseok’s place, being numb and just falling to the bed, forgetting to eat and just staying like that for a few days. “But- sometimes I wish it had worked.”   
  
“I think I know what you mean, although my head works differently compared to yours. Sometimes it just hurts so much that you think it’ll be fine if you just die, so you don’t have to deal with it anymore, but in the end I think that it’s not a real solution. When I was a child and had headaches, I always thought I’d just need to cut off my head for it to stop, but it’s not that easy and also not really smart.” Hoseok chuckled and he felt hot air hitting his skin.

_ You've never been smart though. _

Hyungwon had always preferred the easy way out. It just seemed simpler to turn everything black and be gone, to not feel in pain and to remove all the emotions that constantly haunted him.

_ And others. _

A memory of Kyungwon hugging his waist and crying on his lap filled his mind, long fingers digging into his hospital clothes and holding onto him desperately. He remembered the way his brother had begged him not to do it again, to stay. 

Hyungwon bit his lip painfully at the image, inhaling sharply and feeling the familiar sensation of fear and sadness crawling up his throat.

“You know, the times - when- when I feel like killing myself is the only solution, there isn't really the availability of any other way. Nothing else matters then, not my family, not my friends and not the people that care about me. It just feels like their affection can't hold against the crippling pain that fills me out. It's selfish and rationally I know that it's biological and partially in my head, but that doesn't change the thoughts. It's- it's hard.”   
  
“Mhm, I’m sorry, but I don’t think I can accept that. You definitely won’t do anything to yourself as long as I’m next to you,” Hoseok muttered and pressed his face into the crook of his neck.

_ You don't want to leave right now, you got better, Hyungwon. They keep telling you to remind yourself. You came such a long way. _

“I'll try,” he whispered and pressed a kiss to Hoseok’s head. “But- but that was back then, Hoseok. I had no therapy, no medication, nothing back then. I'm doing much better now. It just comes back sometimes- to bite me in the ass, but I'm okay.”   
  
“See? You’re okay and I’m having my past bite me in the ass because I didn’t really have therapy and my head still tells me that I should’ve done more.” The other man chuckled bitterly and buried his face even deeper.

“Because- because of your friend that died?” Hyungwon asked carefully, stroking over Hoseok’s blonde hair and hoping that his presence and his words could make the other man feel better. Even if it didn't work for him. “I keep wondering if Kyungwon would be like you, if- if I had left back then.” His voice was barely a whisper, still trying to avoid the thoughts.   
  
“I think it’s not comparable, because for me it had been my boyfriend and for him, you’re his family, you grew up together, it doesn’t mean that the pain is more or less, the amount to which your lives intertwine is just different and it would’ve affected him on so many levels, I think.” Hoseok sighed deeply. “But I did such an amazing job hiding all of the ugly stuff behind my pretty face and body that I’m asking myself whether your comparison is legit at all.”

_ It was his boyfriend, Hyungwon. His boyfriend had anorexia and died and now he has to deal with your suicidal ass. Fuck, what are you doing to him? _

He couldn't help the way he tensed, fingers digging further into Hoseok’s skin and air not entering his lungs. Hoseok was right. It wasn't the same at all, he had lost a lover and although Hyungwon had lived with his brother most of his life, it wasn't the same. Kyungwon would have probably forgotten it eventually. It would have been nice, then he wouldn't have to deal with an uglier version of himself running around and making people believe that it's him.   
  
“Did I say something wrong? I don’t think I can keep hiding it though, because it keeps coming back and fucks with my head and my behaviour.” Hoseok stroked over his head again, placing tiny kisses along his hair.

_ What? Just tell him, Hyungwon. Maybe you are wrong again. _

“It's- it's not about what you told me, Hoseok. I'm thankful that you can tell me all that and share with me. I just- I just realized that you must be suffering so much because of me. I- I didn't know that it was your boyfriend and now you have to deal with someone like me and - fuck- I'm just so sorry.” He finally let some air into his lungs, ignoring the way his eyes burned. “Your words just made me think, think of the fact that Kyungwon would have probably forgotten quickly and wouldn't have to deal with the fact that someone who is as disgusting as me runs around in the world and cheats people into thinking that it's him.”   
  
“What the fuck, Hyungwon? I meant that your brother would be scarred for life and not able to have proper relationships and a normal life after shit like that, and that it’s not comparable because I still function somehow because it was almost four years ago and we were together for only two months.” Hoseok put distance between them and stared as if he had seen something absolutely crazy. Him probably.

_ You are crazy, misinterpreting his words instantly. Are you dumb, Hyungwon? _

He swallowed, eyes wide and pressed their bodies closer together, hoping to be surrounded by the intense warmth of Hoseok’s chest again.

_ Kyungwon cares about you, you idiot. _

“Oh god- I'm sorry, I don't know why I thought that. I just always feel like a burden to him. A chore that he has to take care of instead of someone valuable. And now you have to deal with me too, after losing someone. I- I don't want to kill myself but I can be so self-destructive, Hoseok. I don't want you to think it's your fault, because you're beautiful and make me so fucking happy. I've never undressed in front of anybody but this somehow- somehow makes it okay. I just want to be in your arms.”   
  
“I am scared, not gonna lie, but I can’t help it because I still want you, Hyungwon and I want it to work and I want to make you happy, if I can.” Hoseok leaned in and kissed him. It made him emotional somehow, tears prickling in his eyes again as he lifted his arms higher to curl them around the other man's broad neck and pull them as close as physically possible.

_ He's scared but he wants you, Hyungwon. Don't ruin it for him. _

_ And yourself. _

“Just slap me when I'm being dumb,” he murmured and licked into the pretty, curved mouth, still not believing that he could be that close to someone. “This already makes me happy. So happy I want to cry.”

“You like being slapped?” Hoseok asked but there was no sarcasm.

“W-what?” Hyungwon was completely thrown off by the question. “I- I don't know. I haven't gotten slapped, only with a b-book and a b-backpack and that- that wasn't really nice. B-but it was n-nice when you hit my t-thigh.”

“I bit it, I didn't hit it, I love biting you,” Hoseok muttered and it resembled a purr. “Also if someone dares to touch you, I'll make sure they eat shit.” The blonde sounded dangerous all of a sudden.

_ He’s protective of you. _

Hyungwon couldn’t help a smile. The blonde reminded him of his brother there.

“That was back in middle school and high school. It’s a-ages ago, Hoseok. In addition you are a little bit like Kyungwon there. They once thought he was me and tried to bully him and he just beat the shit out of them. T-that was kind of awesome.” Now that Hyungwon could be sure Hoseok wasn’t asking him about his kinks (such as getting bitten), he felt a little calmer, cuddling the muscular man and smiling against his skin. “I kinda fall over when pushed, so I still can’t believe they thought he was me, even after getting beaten up.”

“I love how light you are, I could fuck you while standing, for hours,” Hoseok commented but his eyes widened right after. “I like that you're light, yeah.”

Hyungwon’s eyes turned the size of saucepans automatically, just because Hoseok’s did and he couldn’t help but laugh at how ridiculous that was, both of them looking shocked for no reason. He liked it when the blonde just told him what he liked, he wanted to do it all.

_ He makes you happy, Hyungwon. _

“You can say that- it’s okay. I like it when you are honest,” he murmured and climbed on top of the other man, lying down and enjoying the way the warm chest felt against him. “But why are you suddenly so different? You- you didn’t really ask before.” He hadn’t wanted to ruin the atmosphere but he needed to know. Hyungwon was worried that he had done something to make Hoseok feel like he needed to take care of him or something similarly crippling.

“I- keep having nightmares and- it makes me scared and I'm scared of myself but at the same time I can't just run away from you because I want and love you so much.” Hoseok stared at him, eyes wide open and it looked so genuine. Hyungwon’s arms immediately tightened around the other man and pulled him close, pressing the pretty face to his neck and hoping that the proximity helped him at least a little. Nightmares were the worst because there was just nothing one could do, they were subconscious.

_ He wants to run away from you but doesn’t because he loves you. _

The thought was scary and Hyungwon felt helpless at the knowledge that there was probably nothing he could do once Hoseok decided that he wanted to run away after all, nothing apart from staying at home and being depressed.

“I- I know that I am not the one to talk, but- maybe it will help you to talk about it? Even if it isn’t me then someone else, maybe even someone who has strategies to deal with something like that. Nightmares are the worst- they don’t have to mean anything but they stay on your mind all the time, just thoughts that you have yourself and put into pictures to torture your mind with.”

“You want to know what I dreamt about?” Hoseok asked, a little muffled by his neck.

“Yes, please.” The answer was clear. He wanted to know everything, everything the other man was willing to share with someone like him.

“I think I've never told you about Ben, I met him at the hospital, when I visited Kihyun, which is a different story and Kihyun should tell you about it himself if he feels like it. Either way, we started talking on the veranda because I went out to smoke and he smoked too, sometimes we talked for five or six hours straight, until the visiting hours were over and- I really liked him. He seemed like me too but I will never know for sure, I guess.” Hoseok swallowed a couple of times, visibly tensing under him before he continued. 

“I didn't know what he had, not really, I thought it was depression before Kihyun told me, but he always wore extremely loose clothes, like you. He told me about turning into air, we had those discussions a lot. But that's not about the dream, I started dreaming after meeting you, I guess because I wanted to be close to you and my head siren turned on. This time- this time he told me that he's happy that I've found someone beautiful and amazing and it was- I don't know how to say it, it's just that he was telling me to find someone less ugly and less ill all the time, back when he- when he was alive, so-” Hoseok didn't finish and he felt how the other man's shoulders shivered under him. It felt crazy to hear the usually confident man talk like that, like the experience had broken something.

_ He told him the same thing you constantly keep telling him, Hyungwon. To find someone prettier and not fucked in the head. Look what it did to him and you wanted to do the exact same, fucking off because you felt miserable. _

Hyungwon felt the sensation of something wet on his shoulder, warm and barely traceable until it rolled down and landed on the sheets. Hoseok was crying.

“Do- do you feel guilty, Hoseok?” he asked quietly, reaching out and stroking over the slightly messy blond hair, feeling the soft strands between his fingers and forcing himself to stay composed. “Do you feel guilty for being with me?”

_ You are making him suffer the same fate although you should be stable. Get a grip and make him happy, Hyungwon.  _

He took another deep breath before continuing.

“Ben- he- he must have decided already, decided to take his life. That’s why he wished to convince you to leave- before- before it was too late. I- I can understand that somehow. I did the same back then. Even now I feel like you are worth so much more, but I still want to be with you, Hoseok.”

“I feel guilty for not realizing before it was too late. I don't feel guilty for being with you, I feel guilty for acting as if I was fine, and for giving you more shit than the stuff you already have to deal with. You need a person who'll be next to you and who doesn't have this kind of emotional ballast and knows how relationships work, instead of me who only knows how to fuck.” Hoseok curled his arms around him, desperately.

Hyungwon hummed quietly, but he didn't agree. Hoseok was wrong. There had been people without any emotional ballast, people that were stable and strong and confident, but none of them have ever really shown interest in Hyungwon. He was absolutely invisible, the person one wouldn’t even greet while leaving or entering a lecture hall because it seemed like he wasn’t even there.

_ But Hoseok didn’t, he cared, starting from the first day. _

“I think- I think you wouldn’t really understand me if you were confident and without any emotional ballast. And you wouldn’t be able to point out to me how selfish I was. I- I can’t believe that I was telling you the same, Hoseok, telling you to find someone prettier while I just wanted to disappear. I- I am so sorry for even thinking like that.” Hyungwon tried to swallow down the lump in his throat at his selfish thoughts. “I- don’t really think that there is anybody who has no issues at all. They are all different and some are easier to deal with than others. I just feel- I feel like I can deal with yours and you seem to be able to deal with mine.”

“I'm thankful to you, for being next to me although you have so many things to fight all by yourself, instead you take time to meet me and to let me cry in your arms and all that buzz,” Hoseok commented and chuckled, placing kisses along his neck immediately.

_ You might be able to help him. _

It might have been strange but it felt like he was needed somehow. Like he couldn’t just disappear and assume that there was no point for him to stay around, instead there was Hoseok, struggling with building up a proper relationship and him who might be able to help with that.

“You- you make me feel valuable somehow,” he whispered and and reached out to wipe the remaining tears from Hoseok’s pretty face. The other man was so fascinating, Hyungwon wished they could be close all the time. “Can’t I help you, so you don’t have to work so much? I want to help, with everything.”

“I keep myself busy, so I don't think about scary things, but yeah I also have to pay stuff. You're helping by being next to me, I want to spend every free minute with you. I miss you so fucking much as soon as I leave your apartment.” The blonde man stroked over his back, fingers travelling up and down along his spine.

“Then you should stay more often,” Hyungwon whispered and pressed his lips to the area behind Hoseok’s ear. He loved lying on top of the other man. “Can’t I help you with paying things? To stress you less? It’s selfish I swear- I just want to see you more.”

“Uhm, you want to pay stuff for me? It makes me feel weird.” Hoseok looked up at him and chewed on his lip.

_ He’s adorable. _

“Why? Because I look like a stick and want to take care of you? I could be your slim sugar daddy.” As soon as Hyungwon had uttered the words, he couldn’t keep it in and just burst out laughing, almost spitting into Hoseok’s face accidentally. His stomach hurt from the outburst, almost falling from the blonde man’s body and to the side.   
  
“For you to be my sugar daddy, I need to at least fuck you once.” Hoseok grinned and turned them, crawling on top of him and licking into his mouth.

_ Holy shit. _

“W-what- is- is that a regulation or s-something,” Hyungwon stuttered and forgot everything about his previous bravado. “Oh my god.”   
  
“Ah, bullshit. I’ll sleep with you as soon as I stop dreaming about people who are long gone.” The other man smiled and buried his head in the crook of his neck.

_ Maybe you can help him forget, Hyungwon. _

_ Just like he makes you accept yourself, at least a little bit. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 21st of August at 2 AM CET.  
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>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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‘Why can’t you forget me? You lived so well for almost four years now, you should’ve continued, especially now that you have someone you can continue with.’ Ben inhaled the blue smoke and kept it in his lungs for a bit, before throwing his head back and exhaling it into the air, watching how it dissolved immediately.   
  
‘Because you just left, Ben. How am I supposed to forget you if you didn’t even say goodbye, or said that you didn’t love me or whatever? How am I supposed to continue like this, if you’re still there?’ His voice seemed as if he was crying but he couldn’t know for sure.   
  
‘You didn’t even visit my headstone once, Hoseok, what are you even talking about? I asked you to come, didn’t I? I asked you to come and smoke with me for the last time, but you just said that you were busy and that it’d get better. It got better, but why are you still like this?’    
  
He opened his eyes, tears and sweat mixing in a salty mass on his face. 

He wasn’t okay. He needed to go back.   
  
Throwing the leather jacket with the cigarette burn over his shoulder, he left the house without telling anyone anything. Kihyun would know as soon as he saw the jacket gone and everybody else had to wait. 

Simple as that.   
  
Hoseok entered tram number five, holding his public transport card against the pink machine until it showed the green light and sat down on a seat next to one of the huge windows. Beautiful, old residential buildings passed him, just like the cute little canals and people on bicycles riding somewhere. He stood up, as if his body had known the stop and stepped on the wet concrete. It was raining.   
  
The VU Medical center was just across the street and his feet carried him there without a problem, his body had known the way. The veranda looked like it always did, some metal chairs and benches, two olive trees that somehow survived the winter and a couple of patients smoking and staring into nothing. Just like Ben back then. 

He sat down in the farthest corner and looked at the rain coming down, as if there was no tomorrow. He really liked the place somehow, he could cry without people asking him why he did it. The other patients were too busy with their own misery, too busy to care about him crying silently in the corner. It was nice.   
  
_ You didn’t come back then, Hoseok. You could’ve done something, you could’ve told him how much he meant to you and that you didn’t want him to go, all of those things you have kept to yourself as if it was some kind of crazy secret. You’re guilty of not doing anything. _ __  
__  
Hoseok felt how his tears streamed down his face uncontrollably, without a break, dropping on his black shirt and soaking it.   
  
_ Maybe you just prevented yourself from having relationships because you’re not able to have any. Maybe you’re someone who doesn’t deserve to be in a relationship, being ignorant of the most basic things. Maybe you should just stay alone forever. _ __  
__  
He must’ve cried for a long time. People came and went, not caring what he was doing while he just stared at the sun that came out of the thick clouds, suddenly painting his surroundings in color instead of the sad, numb grey.   
  
_ You’re living like a shadow, aren’t you? Because you feel bad living a good life because of all this. _ __  
__  
It was not as if his life could’ve been absolutely terrific, for that he had a couple of things he had to take care of, responsibilities and basic needs. But it seemed as if he had forbid himself to be happy, to feel joy and to do things he loved and enjoyed.    
  
_ Like being with Hyungwon. _ __  
__  
It was true when he really thought about it. Even if he had free time, he had spent it studying, working or anything else just to not visit his boyfriend and be happy about it. Hyungwon was depressed and struggled himself a lot, he had no time for problems Hoseok had created himself.   
  
_ Because you didn’t do everything to make him stay. _ __  
__  
Hoseok felt numb from all the crying that, of course, didn’t solve anything. He still felt guilty and he still didn’t think that he deserved happiness or was allowed to complain.   
  
_ And Hyungwon wants to pay stuff for you, as if you deserve it. _ __  
__  
_ You need to go back and work more, do more for your parents and do something substantial for Hyungwon, so he has something from you instead of the crying and acting as if you’re all that. _ __  
__  
Hoseok wanted to stand up but he couldn’t, legs immediately giving out and letting him fall back onto the bench. He would’ve laughed if it wouldn't have been so incredibly pathetic. Looking towards the sun, he spotted a tall, familiar figure standing on the veranda and holding onto the railing.   
  
_ Hyungwon? Are you hallucinating? _ __  
__  
Probably. The black-haired man looked beautiful, afternoon sun shining on his perfect side profile and loose clothes moving in the breeze. He looked ethereal, like from some stupid photoshoot where everybody knew that it was photoshopped. Hoseok would’ve stood up but he didn’t know what to say and he didn’t know whether the image was real or a product of his imagination after crying for three hours straight. He just sat on the bench in the corner and stared at the handsome man with his eyes wide open, waiting for the image to fade.

But the image remained as Hyungwon glanced to the side, licking over his lips and staring into the direction where his bench was. A few seconds passed until the familiar, brown eyes widened in shock, lips moving but he couldn’t really hear what the other man was saying. It seemed like a dream, Hyungwon wanted to tell him something but he wasn’t able to hear it, shielded by the thick fog of his own consciousness. 

Suddenly, the figure moved towards him, motions quick and a little jittery. Arms curled around his shoulders and pressed him against a warm chest, hot breaths hitting the top of his head.

“Oh god, Hoseok, what are you doing here?” Hyungwon’s familiar low voice whispered as hands stroked over his hair and back.   
  
_ He’s real. _ __  
__  
“I- what are you doing here?” he asked back, eyes widening at the sudden realization.

“I come here for check-ups, usually for talks to see if I’m doing fine and to get a new prescription for my anti-depressants, but the much bigger question is still, why are you here? You seem...not okay.” Hyungwon put a little bit of distance between them and examined his face, eyebrows pulling together a little and lips forming a thin line. He looked worried.   
  
_ It’s the biggest clinic in Amsterdam, Hoseok. Of course he was here too. _ __  
__  
“I dreamt something, so I came here. I normally come here once a month, but it’s worse recently, so it’s the third time already. I’m- I guess I might be better now, who knows,” he murmured, trying to look past Hyungwon’s handsome face.

“You dreamt about Ben again?” the black-haired man asked carefully, still stroking over his hair and holding him close. “Do you want to talk about it? What- what did he say, Hoseok?”

“Nothing much, reminded me of the fact that he had asked me to come and smoke with him, because he was going to go home. And I was moving to the new apartment and told him that we'd smoke when he was out, just that he died two days later, because he was not going to go home in the first place.” Hoseok stared at a small cloud moving past the sun, as if it would've helped him in any way.

Hyungwon hesitated to answer and let his hands speak for him, stroking over Hoseok’s back before he finally sat down next to him on the bench.

“Do you- do you think he wanted to see you for the last time before leaving?” the black-haired man asked eventually and intertwined their fingers, squeezing a little.

_ Did he? He probably did and you didn't go. _

“I guess, he had pneumonia, so he must've known that something was up. Doesn't change the fact that I didn't go, I still have the cigarette,” he whispered and chuckled at himself.

_ When will you finally smoke it? _

“But even if he did want to see you, you couldn't have known, Hoseok. Are you blaming yourself for not going? Did he insist that you should have come? Did he tell you that it was important to him?” Hyungwon’s hand was shaking a little as he spoke, emotional response obvious. “You mustn't blame yourself for things like this, Hoseok. It would mean that each time you decide that something else has priority, you are committing a crime against the person you love. I wouldn't want you to think that way about me either. Just because I ask you to come and you can't, it doesn't mean that you are doing something horrible. You wouldn't blame someone else in your position, would you?”

“It's simple, really. Ben was a person who would've never told me to do something only because he wanted it, the only thing he wanted was to become air, everything else was secondary. I should've known because I knew him, but I didn't think about it, and this behaviour led to the fact that he couldn't see me before he died and I have to come here every time to remind myself what kind of consequences my behaviour can have.” Hoseok felt numb after crying for so long and it felt strange to have Hyungwon at a place he was usually alone at.

The other man merely stared at him with a serious expression on his face.

“Do you- do you think coming would have changed anything, Hoseok? Anything at all?” he asked eventually, lips pulled together. It wasn't like him.

“Mhm. I could've told him what I didn't before. I know that he would've still died, the doc told me too, but the fact that he asked me to come and I didn't hurts like a bitch, because I'm still alive here while he's gone.” It hurt so much, he wanted to curl up and cry again.

_ You just can't say goodbye. _

“But if he didn't die you wouldn't be blaming yourself for the exact same action. What makes you hate yourself is the consequence, but it could have been any other consequence as well. What happened isn't your fault, Hoseok.” Hyungwon was chewing on his lip, visibly affected by his words and held him close. “I just wish you believed me, although I know that my words are meaningless. I wish I could make you happy.”

_ But he makes you happy. _

Hoseok removed his gaze from the clouds and focused on Hyungwon's beautiful face.

_ You seem to like those who love you but think they're nothing, although it seems as if it's the other way around. _

“It's just that he told me how amazing I am and that I deserve everything, while he didn't consider himself attractive or worthy of anything. In the end I was the one who behaved like an asshole and stayed while he just faded. You also tell me how amazing I am while thinking that you don't deserve anything, it makes me want to cry.” Hoseok felt how tears rolled down his cheeks uncontrollably while he buried his hands in his own thighs.

“Shh, please don't cry, Hoseok,” Hyungwon whispered and removed his hands from his broad thighs, taking them in his own slim, big ones. “Admitting to mistakes takes courage, just like allowing someone else to help you. I- I don't think Ben wanted help. I think he had decided already, a long time ago. To him it must have already seemed like a fact, something he had accepted and just waited to fade into nothingness, turn to air, but- for me it is a burden, something that I want to get rid off. I know it's not right and want to change it. And you're helping me so much already, Hoseok.”

_ How are you helping him, if you are like this? _

“You are making me happy but I'm not sure that I deserve all this. That I deserve to be happy after this.” He couldn't stop crying again, it was crazy.

“That's bullshit, Hoseok. You are the most selfless person I know, even Kihyun says that your only flaw is that you care too much. Why wouldn't someone like you, someone who gives himself to others without a second thought, not deserve to be happy? I don't understand that at all. Don't you think even Ben would want you to be happy? Why are you living in the past? Don't you-" Something changed in the other man's voice as it appeared to crack suddenly, hands falling to Hoseok’s lap, still curled around his. “Don't you have me?”

_ It's because you care. You have him, Hoseok. _

“The past comes back because I have you and I love you and I'm afraid to fuck up, Hyungwon. It keeps reminding me of the only relationship experience that I have.” He bit his lip and it tasted like tears.

“So, because you hate yourself for staying away back then- thereby possibly hurting the person you loved, you wish to stay away from me- the person you love now?” Hyungwon was chewing on his cheek, eyes wide as he stared at him. He looked hurt.

“I don't know how to allow myself to be happy. I don't want to stay away from you. I love you.” It hurt physically, his lungs constricted along with the tears that kept rolling down his cheeks.

“Then stay with me. Aren't you doing the same thing, Hoseok? I'm telling you to be with me and be happy with me and you're holding yourself back. Just come.” The black-haired man stretched out his arms and bit down on his lower lip, focused on him.

_ You have to let it go, Hoseok. You will keep hurting others like this and you can't stop and run away because you love him. _

He curled his arms around Hyungwon's waist and pulled the slim figure into his embrace, lips connecting and tasting like his own tears. 

“I'm sorry, I should be a shoulder to lean on but you keep helping me instead,” he murmured in between kisses.

“Relationships are bidirectional, you'll have enough possibilities to be a shoulder to lean on, trust me,” Hyungwon replied with a smile as their lips were still touching. “You can lean on me as much as you like. And as long as I can stand straight of course, I'm not the most stable pillar out there.”

_ But the most effective one. _

“It's the anniversary of his death today. He would've never wanted me to suffer, I know that, I didn't want him to suffer either, it just sucks if one leaves and you're not able to do anything, or to say anything, it feels as if you're hanging in the air forever.” Hoseok really wanted to explain it to Hyungwon, such that it was clear.

“You mean, you can't settle your feelings because there is no real break, you don't see them moving on, just like you aren't able to move on. You can't end it, mentally, for yourself.” The other man didn't seem to expect an answer to that, just stating it as a fact. “But you are still alive, you are still able to interact with others, to see how they develop around you and with you. Don't you think it's a little bit like growing wings? Moving yourself.”

_ You need to start saying goodbye somewhere, it needs a different course of action. But you need to end it to be able to move on. _

“I remember, back then he told me that he'd love to exist and not exist at the same time. I guess he was somehow able to achieve it.” Hoseok lifted his hand and fumbled in his jacket, pulling the old packet of Marlboro cigarettes and a lighter out of the inner pocket. He opened the lid and pulled the last cigarette out and looked at it for a couple of seconds.

_ You should light it. _

“The clouds are really pretty today,” he whispered and put the cigarette between his lips, lighting it and inhaling the burning smoke after four years during which he didn't touch a single one.

Hyungwon hummed quietly and glanced up, pulling his long trench coat a little tighter around his slim body, probably freezing a little with the wind. After all it was the reason for the beautiful motion in the sky, clouds occluding the sun for a few seconds just for it to cover them in gold again.

It felt freeing somehow and much less melancholic or sad, it was as if he was finally able to give Ben something he had asked for. Sure, he could've visited the grave, but he hated cemeteries. They’d met on the hospital veranda and they were also bound to part there. He watched how the smoke disappeared slowly into the air and he had to think of Ben's gaze that had been full of euphoria every time the weak exhales let the smoke mingle into the warm evening air. Very much like the euphoria filled gaze he had had whenever he looked at Hoseok.

_ He loved you, but it wasn't about that. _

Standing up, he threw the filter into the bin and walked back, looking at Hyungwon, who was simply mesmerizing.

_ You should look at him more often instead of looking back to the past. _

“I'm thankful to you,” Hoseok whispered and pulled chewing gum out of his pocket, unable to handle the tobacco taste in his mouth.

“Same goes to you,” the beautiful, black-haired man replied and turned towards him, brown eyes reflecting some of the sunlight. There was a bright smile on his face. “Would you like a ride? I was driven here because I get spoiled for no reason.”

“You should be spoiled, you're amazing.” Hoseok nodded. He was thankful to the times he had spent smoking and talking on the big veranda and he was thankful for Ben. But at that special moment he was most thankful to the breathtakingly beautiful, black-haired man who smiled at him while holding his hand.

_   
  
  
The music was extraordinary, extraordinarily loud. He couldn’t understand even a word Kihyun was trying to say. Of course it could’ve also been due to the four or five gin and tonics - he hadn't really counted - but it must’ve been a lot. It was Kihyun’s turn. Not that they took turns anyway because he had a boyfriend, but fact was, he couldn’t have stayed at home that day.   
  
_ And you also can’t stay with Hyungwon, he didn’t even answer your message. _ __  
__  
The only way to survive the night had been to party until 5AM and to go home right after they threw everybody out of the club. Which Hoseok had done, successfully, until now. He had danced most of the time, although his body didn’t consider it a good idea after the sleepless night he had because he had finally smoked the last cigarette at the damn hospital veranda.   
  
_ What are you afraid of? That he’ll come to you in your sleep and tell you that you shouldn’t have? Isn’t that a little too traumatic? _ __  
__  
Rationally, he knew that it was bullshit, that even if so, it would’ve been just another dream. But something still prevented him from letting go of the fear. 

Being tipsy felt so nice, just like the loud music, the dancing crowd, fun company, blurred vision. Everything was exciting until he felt arms curl around his neck and a tongue inside his mouth. It was so familiar that he didn’t even react, until he felt an erection pressing against his thigh and an unfamiliar voice whispering lewd stuff into his ear.   
  
_ Wait, what the fuck are you doing, Hoseok? _ __  
__  
His response was immediate, he pushed the other man away and stared, as if he’d seen a ghost.   
  
“Wait, I- I can’t,” he murmured and wiped the back of his hand over his mouth to get rid of the blonde man’s saliva.   
  
“But we’ve already met, was it three months ago? It was so much fun, I really want to repeat that and you look like you want it too. You told me you loved how slim and tight I am,” the handsome, blonde, tall guy with big, blue eyes commented, gaze staying on his face throughout his speech.   
  
_ You fucked him, didn't you? But you can’t fuck him now, Hoseok, you have a boyfriend, you are in a relationship, what are you even doing? You know exactly how your inhibitions are when you drink, you dumbass. _ __  
__  
“Listen,” he started, but had no fucking idea what the other man’s name was. “Handsome fucker. It must’ve been super nice with you being tight and slim, but I kinda have a boyfriend and I spaced out too much to tell you beforehand. We can’t do this, I- I have someone.”   
  
_ You don’t even want this, why did you let him touch you? You don’t even want to fuck him, Hoseok. What the fuck? _ __  
__  
“Oh, don’t act as if you’re all different now, Hoseok. People don’t take 180 degree turns in three months. You wanted to fuck me back then and you want to fuck me now, even though you don’t remember my fucking name.” The blonde stared some more, attempting to get closer again.   
  
_ No fucking way. _ __  
__  
Hoseok put a palm on the other man’s slim shoulder.   
  
“I am different and I think differently. I should have skipped the last gin and tonic, that’s the only thing that reminds me of myself three months ago,” he commented and let go. “You’ll find someone nice to fill you up.” It was mean and under his standards, but he was tipsy and he wanted to leave so badly.   
  
_ How did you live like this all this time? You don’t even want all this. You want him. _ __  


Catching a cab, he let himself be driven in front of Hyungwon’s apartment building. Spending money sucked, but spending money on Hyungwon was okay. He left the cab and ran up the stairs, still tipsy but not that much after the encounter that was equally shocking and eye opening.  
  
_Because your body was so used to this shit that you didn’t even realize that something was up._ __  
__  
And because he was scared of the person he had been before. __  
__  
Hoseok didn’t even look at the time, but something told him that it must’ve been too fucking late to appear at his boyfriend’s door, slightly tipsy and after making out with a dude at a party. He didn’t care, he wanted to see Hyungwon, so he rang the bell.

It took a while. Hyungwon was a heavy sleeper and Hoseok had needed only one time in his boyfriend's bed overnight to figure that out. After ringing a second time, there was shifting and slow steps over the wooden floors of Hyungwon's apartment. The other man was so light that he barely made any noise. After a sharp inhale of breath, the door opened. It sounded like the black-haired man had tried to wake himself up.

Hyungwon's face looked a little puffy, probably from sleep and he must have been chewing on his lips based on how red and plump they were. The usual gigantic t-shirt was covering his pretty frame and he was wearing loose sweatpants, barely holding onto his hips.   
  
_ He is so fucking gorgeous. _

“H-Hoseok? Are you okay?” the other asked, voice rough and still interlaced with sleep.   
  
“No, I want to be with you,” he muttered and curled his arms around Hyungwon’s slim waist, hereby pushing the other man into his own apartment.

A gasp followed until his boyfriend’s lean arms curled around his neck and lips pressed against his cheek.

“I missed you, I even dreamt of you,” Hyungwon murmured and Hoseok could feel a small smile against his skin. He really wanted to see what it looked like.   
  
“I didn’t dream anything, because I didn’t sleep,” Hoseok murmured back and buried his face in Hyungwon’s shoulder. “I was at a party and I drank, but I’m not drunk or anything, it’s just- I just had an epiphany and I didn’t want to act as if it didn’t happen and make out with some dude and just live like I lived before, that’s why I’m here.” He knew that it probably didn’t make any sense to Hyungwon, but it made sense to him, so it was okay.

“Of course you're not drunk,” the black-haired man commented and it sounded a little bit sarcastic, but the smile remained audible. “I'm glad you came. J-just start from the beginning please, because I have no idea what you're talking about apart from you having been at a party and d-drinking.”   
  
Hoseok didn’t know whether he had to prove to Hyungwon that he wasn’t drunk because he really wasn’t or because he was, either way, he grabbed the other man’s thighs and lifted him up, carrying him into the bedroom right after, without running against a wall or a door. Success.

Hyungwon yelped and held on tight before laughing. He must have been really tired with how nonchalant his actions appeared.

“This is almost like my dream,” he commented and crossed his legs behind Hoseok’s back. “Your coordination is pretty g-good though, especially since you didn't sleep. Why- why didn't you?”   
  
“I was scared that I’d dream about Ben and he would tell me that I shouldn't have smoked the cigarette because I deserve to suffer some more. Well, either way, my reactions are always good, that’s how I survived the past four years working, dancing, drinking and fucking.” The bad thing was that the lack of inhibitions also applied to his speech. He simply didn’t have any resources to monitor whether it was okay to say this or that.   
  
_ It’s okay because it’s him, Hoseok. You don’t want him to think you’re someone you’re not. _

“He would have never said that because it's bullshit,” the black-haired man in his arms commented with pursed lips, voice still just as rough as when he had opened the door. “If you say that you survived it, then it couldn't have been all that nice. Before, you seemed to enjoy your lifestyle, protecting it even when I assumed you just wanted to use me.”   
  
_ You never wanted to use anybody. You wanted them to use you. _ __  
__  
“It’s a little different. I was actually the one to be used, I realized today. I’m kinda good at giving others pleasure. They like it, so I did it, so they want more. Just that I don’t want it anymore, to give pleasure to people I don’t care about, and to be used. Also, I’ve never even once thought about using you for anything, Hyungwon,” Hoseok whispered and sat down on the edge of the bed, keeping Hyungwon on his lap.

“Shh, I know,” the beautiful man murmured and leaned back a little, putting enough space between them to be able to look at him. There was no smile on the plump lips and Hyungwon seemed in thought, brushing through Hoseok’s hair absentmindedly. “So, you mean you never actually did it for yourself? That's intense, Hoseok. Really intense- I'm- I'm not sure I can imagine that, only if I really like the person. I wouldn't give myself otherwise. But- but you enjoyed it, didn't you?”   
  
“Yes, because it made it seem as if I was useful, as if I could give people something they enjoyed. I mean, let’s be honest, I haven't had sex since I’ve met you and sure, I- want it, but because it’s you and I had a lot of possibilities to get it elsewhere, but I don’t want it. So it can’t be the sex that I want, am I right?” He looked up into Hyungwon’s big, brown eyes. The other man looked so handsome with his slightly puffy cheeks and pouty lips.

“Y-yeah, my still sleepy brain kinda assumes that you want me, but I still need more confirmation,” Hyungwon elaborated as his red mouth spread in a wide smile and his long fingers squeezed Hoseok’s shoulders a little. “To be honest- I - I kinda wanted to write you a demanding s-sex essay but now I feel rather bad about wanting to do that. I should have let Kyungwon t-teach me less, fuck.”   
  
_ He wants to write a sex essay? What? _ __  
__  
“Wait, why would you want to write an essay? Do you think it’s something that turns me on? You turn me on, Hyungwon, you don’t need to write an essay.” He leaned forward and placed a kiss on Hyungwon’s pretty lips.

“W-what? Oh god- no. It's- it's not about turning you o-on. I just stutter when I talk about s- sex so I can't f- fucking tell you what I want, so Kyungwon told me to just write you a message already instead of p-pussying out. But why the fuck would I tell you what to do? Holy fuck. Don't be so sacrificial, Hoseok.” Hyungwon licked over his lips, probably tasting the gin Hoseok had drunk.   
  
_ Are you sacrificial? You kind of were, weren’t you? _ __  
__  
“I don’t think I’m sacrificial with this. The thing is, I can’t look into your head and I need to know what you like, just how you need to know what I like for both of us to have an amazing experience. If you keep silent, I just assume that you don’t want it, or I get really careful and ask myself whether I’m doing something you might not want, do you know what I mean?” Hoseok let his hands roam over Hyungwon’s clothed back, enjoying the way his body felt on his lap.

“I know that you sound very coherent for someone who tastes like a bottle of gin,” Hyungwon said with a small grin and kissed him again, very briefly. “I know what you mean, which is why Kyungwon told me to write it in messages ‘cause I stutter and that's not s- sexy. Oh fuck.” The black-haired man bit down on his lower lip, probably frustrated that he stuttered on the last word.   
  
“See, and this is the reason I want to shut your crazy brother up sometimes. I think you’re cute when you stutter, furthermore, it shows me that you’re affected by my presence and I really like that.” Hoseok whispered the last couple of words and licked his lips.

“Like ‘boy is losing his shit because he wants to rub his butt over thick thighs’ a-affected? ‘Cause that's true.” Hyungwon sighed before grabbing his fringe with his right hand and brushing it up, eyes widening a little. “I need to wake up to avoid embarrassment- I- I swear, what am I even saying? Kyungwon just wanted to help me cause I was too shy to say what I like and he- he said ‘just tell him you're a subby potato already’.”   
  
“I really like that you’re a subby potato and I really like you wanting to be close to me, because I feel the same. I have the feeling that I’ve been drowning all the time and you came and pulled me out, showing me that there’s a lot more on the surface. But even a subby potato needs to voice its preferences, don’t you think?” He tilted his head to the left and studied Hyungwon’s facial expressions.

The big, brown eyes only turned bigger as Hyungwon squirmed on his lap, licking over his lips and glancing to the side as he curled his hands around Hoseok’s upper arms. The way he shifted on his thighs showed a bit more of his body outline, sweatpants even lower than they were and fabric collecting on the inside of Hyungwon's thighs.

“S- sure, I'm happy I could h-help you. You make me feel so- so desirable, like I'm everything you want. It's- it's c-crazy,” the other man whispered eventually, looking up slowly. “You want me to tell you my p-preferences n- now?”   
  
“Sure, as you’re already here on my thick thighs as you like to be,” Hoseok commented and grinned, before licking over his lips briefly and loving Hyungwon’s behaviour when he was getting shy.

“Oh fuck- ehm,” Hyungwon began and glanced to the side again, squeezing his eyes shut briefly before returning his gaze to Hoseok, colour slowly appearing on his cheeks. “I didn't even brush my teeth though, fuck my life.”   
  
“What do you plan on doing if you need to get your teeth brushed beforehand?” Hoseok couldn’t suppress a chuckle, Hyungwon was adorable.

“Ehm- kiss you? Unless you want more of course- I mean- yeah.” There was resignation in the black-haired man's body posture as he groaned and threw his head back. “Why are you doing this to me? Stop being the incarnation of my wet dreams, this isn't a teenage romance movie. The hot guy never likes the invisible ones in the last row of the lecture hall.”   
  
“I thought I was the one who drank? I prepared myself to listen to your preferences and now you’re talking about teenage romance and lecture halls. The hot guy is fucked in the head, so it’s fine.” He looked at Hyungwon’s face before leaning in and pressing their lips together, moving over the smooth surface before parting them and sliding his tongue into the other man’s warm mouth.

Hyungwon hesitated at first, probably worried about not having brushed his teeth but that worry dissipated in a matter of seconds as he curled his arms properly around Hoseok’s neck and pressed their bodies closer, gasping into his open mouth.

“Amen to that,” the black-haired man whispered and let their tongues meet, thighs pulling together on his lap.   
  
_ He also thinks that you’re fucked in the head. Oh well, at least it’s accurate. _ __  
__  
Hoseok kissed him, playing with his tongue and nibbling on his beautiful plump lips before leaning back a little.   
  
“So, what about your preferences, adorable boy.”

The blush on Hyungwon's pretty cheeks had increased from their short make out session and the shy man was staring at him from below his black bangs, much like the first time they’d met when he had tried to hide behind them and the counter.

“I- I like it when you tell me what to do. Oh fuck- this is hard. Ehm, when you- when you told me you were c-close and that I should just t- take it, I almost came, j-just like that.” There was a deep breath as Hyungwon visibly tried not to look at him, massaging Hoseok’s thighs with his long fingers subconsciously. “T-then- I like you just showing me things, t- telling me to do as you say or that I'm doing g- good. Oh come on, Hoseok, t- this is embarrassing.” The lean thighs squeezed his own again as his boyfriend shifted, nibbling on his lower lip.   
  
Hoseok could’ve gotten hard just from listening. Which he did, because Hyungwon added up on the struggle by shifting on top of his thighs and nibbling on his pretty lips.   
  
“It’s not embarrassing, it’s hot. You’re hot,” he whispered and let himself fall back onto the bed, propping up on both elbows. “Tell me more.”

“You're hot,” Hyungwon murmured and let his hands travel along Hoseok’s abdomen and abs upwards, until they reached his pecs. The other man looked affected himself, eyes a little darker than usual. He licked over his lips again before continuing. “I l-love it when you lift me up like I weigh nothing, t-the way you manhandle me, throwing me on the bed. How you place kisses on my inner thighs, like you find them attractive and spread them even without me realizing because I enjoy it so much. Fuck.”   
  
Shit, Hoseok wanted to live between Hyungwon’s pretty thighs.   
  
“I’d just stay between your naked thighs forever if there wasn't your handsome face and your pretty nipples and your perfectly shaped navel, ah, I just love your body. To be honest, I love everything you just said, so we’re pretty much on the same wavelength. I will still make sure that you like what I’m doing, not because I’m careful, but because I want you to enjoy it, it’s really important for me. Look,” Hoseok looked down on himself, letting his dick twitch once in his pants for Hyungwon to see. “See? That’s because you’re so fucking hot, talking about stuff you like. Makes me want to taste and touch you.”

The beautiful man's lips parted as he glanced down, following Hoseok’s motion and bit his lip right after, hands tightening on the pale skin of his arms in response.

“I'll keep t- telling you if you like to hear it,” Hyungwon whispered, barely audibly and leaned in, pulling Hoseok’s shirt up with his right hand and placing kisses on the uncovered skin. His boyfriend seemed to like it on his lap because he didn't move away, even if he needed it to travel further with his full, red lips. “You said you're tired and here I am, k- keeping you from sleeping,” the black-haired man murmured before dipping his tongue into Hoseok’s navel, like he wasn't aware of the hypocrisy.  
  
“First of all, I never said that I was tired, I said that I didn’t sleep. Second, I’d always cut on sleep for you,” he murmured after a hiss had left his mouth at Hyungwon’s warm, wet tongue sliding over his skin.

“I- I want you to f- fuck my mouth and tell me that I'm being g- good to you.” The request was sudden and hesitant as Hoseok wouldn't have heard it if he hadn't been listening carefully. Hyungwon shifted on his lap again, slim, attractive body rolling forward like he wanted to be close but didn't really act on it yet.  
  
_ Oh god, how the fuck did you deserve this, Hoseok? _ __  
__  
“Mhm, but I want you to be naked,” Hoseok said and shifted a little, bangs falling back over his forehead, making his gaze look more intense.

“As long as- as long as you go all out, Hoseok.”   
  
He watched Hyungwon’s big eyes, his red, plump lips and there was something so vulnerable about the other man. The sight gave him the feeling that he was witnessing something incredibly precious and rare.   
  
_ He thinks that you are worth it. _ __  
__  
_ If he thinks it then you probably are. _ __  
  


_  
_ ***

 

There was something surreal to standing up in the middle of the night. Like the brain had not been able to create the structures that we know as reality and put them in the right place in the short period of time. Instead, everything appeared a little magical, glimmering in the night and throwing shadows that looked just a little different from the way they were supposed to.

With Hoseok’s imaginary kiss still on his lips (a little dream his brain had gifted him), Hyungwon opened his front door and was met with Hoseok, much less dreamlike than he had been a few moments ago.

_ You dream about him only to have him on your doorstep. This is some high class fate romance bullshit, Hyungwon. _

A few moments of conversation and arms full of Hoseok were absolutely sufficient to figure out that they were an amazing team in the middle of the night.

_ He drank and you're half asleep. The best. _

Only the way the blonde man appeared concerned, talking about letting others use him for their own pleasure because he felt valuable that way, kept Hyungwon from curling up in the strong, familiar arms and losing himself.

_ He tried to please people before but now he wants you, Hyungwon, because he loves you. _

Sitting on the other man's lap and listening to how positive his influence on the beautiful man below him had been, was overwhelming, like his presence really meant a lot to Hoseok, had value beyond the here and now.

It felt even more stupid that Hyungwon had believed Hoseok to be one of the guys that were only interested in fucking him and then making fun of him for how easy it was. It seemed ridiculously dumb, now that he knew the blonde man well.

_ Now you know better. _

Hyungwon felt a little embarrassed about the 13 WhatsApp messages he had been formulating in his head to express his preferences to Hoseok, especially now that the other man admitted to being focused on the pleasure of others. It was weird to be so demanding, even if Kyungwon told him to just open his goddamn mouth and get on with it. It was always easier said than done.

_ Just that he is able to turn you into butter within a few seconds. _

A kiss, a few encouragements and Hoseok’s dark gaze, were absolutely sufficient to make him talk, words raining from his lips despite the remaining stutter and making his body react because of the images that were associated with it. Hyungwon wanted to make Hoseok feel good again, to have the other man lose it, moan his name and pull his hair like it was the last thing connecting him to reality.

“I- I want you to f- fuck my mouth and tell me that I'm being g- good to you.” The words left his lips faster than he could have checked them, for that it was too late in the night. His hips rolled forward, remembering how Hoseok had twitched in front of his eyes, a perfect sign of the other man's arousal. He wanted to be close.

Hoseok’s voice was low as it told him to be naked, to have their skin touch while Hyungwon used his lips to make the blonde lose himself.

_ You love the way he looks at you, it's okay. _

Hyungwon bit his lip and nodded before uttering his conditions, namely for Hoseok to go all out. He wasn't really in the position to demand anything, but the way the other man’s eyes had changed while he talked about his preferences gave him a bit of courage, courage to allow the beautiful man to be less careful with him.   
  
“Do you want to undress for me or do you want me to rip it off you?” Hoseok whispered, still lying propped up on both elbows and staring at him from under his bangs. There was something dangerous to the sight and Hyungwon loved every second of it.

He hissed at the words, head instantly knowing what it wanted just like his body, responding to the image alone.

“R-rip it off me,” he murmured and glanced up, meeting the dark eyes and feeling how they slipped over his slim frame. He would have felt self-conscious but for that Hoseok looked too affected.   
  
The other man immediately returned to a vertical position and pulled his shirt up, cold air hitting his skin and hot lips attaching to it, sucking and licking as soon as his boyfriend got rid of the fabric.

Hyungwon instantly felt his body react, heat not only burning in his face but also along his chest and spreading from his groin. His tongue was constantly licking over his lips to keep them wet, body too affected by the gorgeous sight.

“You can- you can bite me too,” he gasped, eyes closing as Hoseok found the sensitive spot right below his right collarbone. “I- I like it.”   
  
“Mhm, I like it too,” Hoseok commented and kissed up to his neck, biting into the smooth skin and dipping both of his hands under the waistband of Hyungwon’s sweatpants, pulling them down his ass.

He whimpered as he lifted his hips. It was a little embarrassing but he didn't get much touching and when he did it was all kinds of amazing and the amazement was difficult to contain.   
  
Hoseok realized the struggle and stood up, turning around and basically dropping him on top of his bed, getting rid of his sweatpants, including underwear, in inhuman speed. Hyungwon didn’t even realize that he was naked until Hoseok hovered over him and sucked on a nipple harshly.

“Holy fuck,” he cursed and threw his head back with a moan, legs attempting to close, but unable to do so because of the muscular body between them. Hoseok was fast with his motions, easily slipping between his thighs if he wanted to, even without Hyungwon realizing. It was hot and his face must have been saying it all, lips parted and eyes wide. “You're so g- gorgeous- fuck.”   
  
“You’re more gorgeous because you’re beautifully naked,” Hoseok commented and curled his hand around Hyungwon’s right thigh, lifting it in the air and sinking his teeth into a sensitive spot on the inner side. “You’re fucking delicious.”

Hyungwon moaned, watching the way the perfectly straight, white teeth disappeared in his skin. It was relatively dark but he could still see his scars, however, Hoseok didn't seem to give a single fuck. Lifting up on his elbows Hyungwon watched the way the blonde bent him a little and couldn't help his own bodily reaction at the sight, arousal travelling along his legs.

“E-eat me up then,” he whispered and bit his lip right after, wondering if he was being too vocal about all this.

_ Just don't scream at him to bend you in half or fuck you against a wall. _ __  
__  
“I will, although I really like how you moan when I have three fingers inside you,” Hoseok murmured and settled between his legs, licking and biting along his inner thighs as if he was really eating him up.

_ Oh god.  _

The image was quick to materialize in his head, the way he had been holding onto the headboard desperately as Hoseok fucked him with his fingers, whole body on fire and barely able to keep itself up.

He moaned but bit down on his tongue right after to contain it, breaths entering his chest much faster than they had before.

“B-but I thought we had a d-deal,” Hyungwon forced out, remembering what he had asked Hoseok to do. “F-first you.”   
  
“Yeah? But you should undress me, don’t you think? We do have a deal, we do what you want and then I want you to ride my fingers.” Hoseok leaned back and watched Hyungwon intently.

The feeling of blood rushing to his face was instant as he glanced down, only to be met with the way Hoseok’s erection strained against the confinement of his jeans. 

“Y- you're distracting,” he murmured as he used one hand to reach out and pull Hoseok’s shirt up, waiting for the muscular man to let go of his thigh and allow him to take it off. “And you put i-images in my head, oh god.”   
  
“I put them in my head first, and it’s so hot I feel like passing out.” Hoseok pulled his shirt over his head and threw it next to the bed before pinning Hyungwon between his pale, muscular arms.

It was mind blowing, to lie on the soft pillow and have someone as attractive, and someone he was in love with at the same time, leaning above him while looking at him as if he was Apollo himself.

“You make me feel so desired, Hoseok,” he whispered and reached between their bodies with one arm, easily fitting in and clumsily unbuttoning Hoseok’s jeans. It always looked easier when other people did it, but the other man seemed patient, not even commenting on it. The zipper followed right after, but Hyungwon wasn't really in the position to pull the jeans down so he didn't, merely spreading his legs to accommodate the blonde better instead. Hoseok could have probably circled his waist with one arm alone. 

The blonde pulled his pants down along with his underwear, undressing fully before he returned to his previous position, just that their skin was touching and he felt the other man’s warm erection against his stomach.

Hyungwon bit his lip as he glanced up, meeting the other man's gaze. His fingers travelled between their bodies again until they curled around Hoseok’s firm length, warm and a little wet in his hand, probably due to precum.

_ That's because he's attracted to you. _

“I- I love how you w-want me,” he whispered and again hoped that it wasn't too daring, that it didn't assume anything untrue. He lifted his right leg and let his calf stroke over Hoseok’s thigh, gasping himself at the sensation.   
  
“Mhm, I want you, a lot.” Hoseok leaned down and sucked on a spot behind his ear. He could feel how the other man’s breaths hit his skin, quick and rough.

“I- if you like- I- I could get r-ready,” Hyungwon stuttered, body trembling a little at the recurring image of the other man's fingers inside of him, without anything blocking the feeling. He was nervous, but he wanted it, just like everything else the gorgeous blonde had to offer. “Then- you could t-touch me how you like.”   
  
Hoseok nodded and licked his lips, leaning back, such that he had enough space to move.

It was really embarrassing, especially how clumsy he was as he crawled over the bed on all fours and hoped it was at least a tiny bit attractive, like people made it seem. Hyungwon really wasn't the most graceful in his motions. Once he had climbed off, he was grateful for the bit of darkness as he made his way to the bathroom, stepping into the shower without turning on the light. The moon was good enough.

He was efficient, keeping himself from the thought of what he was doing but rather focusing on why he was doing it, on the way Hoseok’s hands would feel on and in his body. It was almost enough to make him gasp and forget why he was in the shower in the first place.

A little embarrassed and hoping he didn't make too much noise, he dried himself off, a few drops still falling from his bangs, and returned to the bedroom.   
  
Hoseok was sitting on the edge of the bed, legs spread and gaze immediately catching his as soon as he walked in.    
  
“Want to come here?” the other man asked and spread his legs a little further, licking over his lips slowly.

_ Holy shit. _

Hyungwon didn't think and just dropped to his knees, crawling the rest of the way and sitting down on his calves while looking up at Hoseok, blushing at his own response. His boyfriend was so fucking gorgeous and Hyungwon just wanted to kiss him and make him moan, lose his shit and call his name.

__ Get a grip, it's the middle of the night.  
  
“You look fucking gorgeous between my legs, fuck,” Hoseok whispered and took his chin between his thumb and index finger, pulling his lower lip down a little with his thumb and hissing at the sight. “You’re like a wet dream.”

The other man must have had no idea what he himself looked like, naked, thick thighs on display and holding onto Hyungwon's face like his slim body was all the other man's to have. Fuck.

He moaned, unable to help himself and licked over Hoseok’s thumb, feeling his body react instantly at the sight. He wanted him so fucking much.   
  
Hoseok hissed and let go of his chin, pulling him closer instead, such that he was perfectly positioned between the other man’s pale thighs. The blonde curled his fingers around his erection and slid the tip over Hyungwon’s bottom lip, moaning silently at the action.

It was difficult to resist so Hyungwon licked over the head, just briefly, a small motion of his tongue before opening his mouth a little wider and crawling a few centimetres closer on his knees. The way Hoseok looked as he played with his lips was fascinating, like the other man couldn't believe his luck, curved mouth remaining slightly opened.   
  
As soon as Hyungwon was close enough, Hoseok sunk the fingers of his right hand into his hair and pushed him over his erection, after making sure that he was ready to take it into his mouth.

Making sure to breath through his nose, he instantly relaxed his throat and placed his hands on Hoseok’s thighs, holding on tightly and moaning around the warmth between his lips. Arousal was quick to travel along his legs and make his own erection twitch at the sensation.   
  
Hoseok didn’t move in and out of his mouth, but used the grip on his hair instead to push and pull his lips over his erection, moaning and hissing at every movement. The other man picked up the pace, and Hyungwon could hear how his breathing pattern got irregular and curses mixed with his name spilled from Hoseok’s pretty, curved lips. It was fucking hot and he barely contained himself from moaning loudly at the way it felt, following the motions instead.

His body burned from his own reactions and his nails scratched over Hoseok’s pale thighs automatically as tears developed in the corners of his eyes. The way the blonde reacted was otherworldly and much faster than before, like the ability to act rough on its own got him closer to the edge. Moving a tiny inch further than Hoseok pulled him, Hyungwon hummed, wishing to hear more of the beautiful low sounds that left his boyfriend's lips.   
  
“Fuck, I’m close, what am I supposed to do if you’re being such a good boy for me,” Hoseok groaned and tightened his grip in Hyungwon’s hair, more beautiful low moans leaving the other man’s mouth. 

The arousal kept increasing in his lower body as he encouraged Hoseok to move faster and moaned again, vibrations aiding the gorgeous man to reach the edge, nails still scratching along the milky skin, leaving fine lines. An especially loud hum and he felt how the other man came down his throat with a loud groan, pulling him further but letting go almost immediately.   
  
“Oh my fucking god,” Hoseok groaned and threw his head back.

Hyungwon used the time to swallow and suck his way up before sucking in the much needed oxygen through his nose, attempting to catch his breath. Hoseok’s reactions were more than he had hoped for and he just wanted to see the other man lose himself like that all the fucking time.

He shifted a little on top of his naked calves and tried to ignore the way his own erection throbbed between his legs, not giving a single shit that he still wanted to wipe the tears from his cheeks to look acceptable.  
  
Hoseok reached for the cupboard and pulled the lube out of the drawer, as if he had memorized it’s location before pulling him up until he was settled on the other man’s lap.   
  
“You were such a good boy, so I’m thinking whether I should fuck you with my tongue first,” Hoseok whispered with a grin.

“P-please,” Hyungwon murmured before getting embarrassed and remembering that it had been a rather compromising position before. Licking over his lips quickly he glanced down, instantly encountering how much his body wanted the man below him. Hoseok didn’t give a single shit, throwing him on the bed and crawling between his legs immediately. The other man’s muscular hands pulled his ass in the air and Hoseok basically bent him in half, licking over his entrance and drawing circles with his warm, wet tongue.

Hyungwon moaned and covered his face with his right hand, realizing that he hadn't seen compromising yet. But it was difficult to remain focused with how the other man's tongue kept stealing every straying thought, body reacting and loving the way Hoseok handled him. It was exactly what he had wanted.

“Fuck- Hoseok- please,” he begged and threw his head to the side, still trying to cover his face and mostly lips, containing the loud moans that threatened to escape. The other was teasing him. “P-put it in.”   
  
Hoseok handled him as if he was a doll, simply pulling his hips towards his mouth until he felt the warm muscle move in and out of him. It felt really good, especially with the way the other man held him in place.

Hyungwon moaned and let his arms fall above his head, feeling a little vulnerable but liking it somehow, like Hoseok could easily hold him if he liked or pin him to the mattress. Pleasure was building up in his lower body and he felt a little dizzy, gasping repeatedly.   
  
“Do you want to ride my fingers or do you want me to give it to you?” Hoseok groaned and continued his ministrations, ignorant of the fact that he needed coherency to answer.

Hyungwon moaned and tensed his legs, body contracting automatically but not giving him as much ability to speak as he had expected. Therefore, his hands curled up in the sheets above his head and he bit his lip harshly to be able to talk.

“G-give it to me,” he forced out while pushing his hips towards Hoseok automatically, unable to help it with how his body screamed for contact. “A-and then I’ll- I'll ride-”   
  
“Let’s see if you’ll be able to.” Hoseok let him lie flat on his back and grabbed the bottle of lube, coating his fingers and circling one around his entrance before pushing it in and curling it as the other man’s lips closed around the tip of his erection.

As soon as the unfamiliar discomfort started and the sudden pleasure took over, Hyungwon understood why the blonde always paired the sensations.

_ That makes it easier for you. _

Gasping, he tried to look down to see what the other man was doing and whether he was enjoying it, similarly to how Hyungwon's whole body was on fire, begging for more pleasure through Hoseok’s hands.

_ He will enjoy being inside you more. _

“This- holy fuck,” he groaned and curled his hand into Hoseok’s hair, but without pulling it, or at least he tried.   
  
Hoseok didn’t let him breathe, brushing over the sensitive spot while sucking him off before he slid in a second finger after an especially loud moan.

“Fuck- yes-" Hyungwon moaned and barely managed to inhale enough air to gasp at the way the blonde curled his fingers up, hitting the sensitive spot inside of him and making stars dance in front of his closed eyes. It was just crazy, like fireworks behind his eyelids while his body was burning up in pleasure. “This- this is so fucking intense, oh my god.”   
  
“Imagine what that would feel like with something thick, warm and veiny inside you,” Hoseok murmured before taking him back into his mouth and continuing his movements.

_ Holy fucking shit. _

The image was crazy, easily developing in front of his inner eye, the way Hoseok would grab his slim hips with his hands and thrust into him, make him scream, muscular body almost completely covering his.

“Shit- m-make me scream, Hoseok,” he forced out, unable to think of anything else apart from how amazing it would probably feel to have Hoseok fill him up. “P-please.”   
  
The blonde man deepthroated him while adding another finger carefully. He didn’t move for a bit, letting him adjust to the stretch before he sucked back up and hit the spot.

Hyungwon screamed. He hadn't even meant to, but the motion of the digits, paired with the way his erection hit Hoseok’s throat, just set him on fire.

“Oh my god- yes- please move,” he groaned and pushed his hips against the other man's fingers, hoping it would make him feel more. Each thrust was like a small spark of lightning, starting inside of him, making his erection twitch and finally sliding along his legs in the form of sparks. It was simply crazy. “Fuck- Hoseok.”

_ He could drive you absolutely mad if he wanted to. _

The other man complied, pumping his lube coated fingers inside him, while his lips tightened around Hyungwon’s dick. Hoseok picked up pace while moaning and showing how much he loved it.

_ Shit. _

The moment Hyungwon opened his eyes, pairing the sight with the way he felt, his body convulsed, contracting around the fingers inside of him repeatedly as he released himself into the other man's mouth, a loud scream of his name on his lips. Hoseok sucked up but kept his fingers inside him, while placing tiny kisses on his knees. The tenderness made him shiver, watching the way the blonde showed affection towards a part of himself he disliked.   
  
“I told you you would forget everything, but I live for your moans and screams, oh my god, you’re so fucking hot, babe.” Hoseok stared at him as if he was everything the other man had ever wanted.

_ He called you babe again. _

Hyungwon tried to catch his breath, sucking the air into his mouth in short intervals, and seeing how his own chest rose and fell quickly. Hoseok was driving him mad.

“I-" he began and paused to breathe in again. “I- w- want to know what you feel like inside of me. It's all over my head and- oh god.”

_ Why are you telling him that? He just got you off. Go to bed, Hyungwon. _ __  
__  
“I also want to feel you, Hyungwon. A lot.” Hoseok let his fingers slip out of him slowly, before wiping the lube off himself and his inner thighs. “You make it extremely hard to resist, fuck.” The blonde let himself fall next to him, before turning around and pressing his face into the crook of his neck and attaching his curvy lips to his skin.

“That- that felt really intense. Everything you did. I've- I've never felt like this, wow.” Hyungwon just lay on his back and stared at the ceiling, a little overwhelmed.   
  
“You actually make me discover things too, I’ve never taken as much time to explore as I do with you. My sex life was usually very fast and without much preparation or long foreplay, but with you it’s different. You are different. I love you, Hyungwon,” Hoseok whispered against his skin.

It felt absolutely surreal, not only to be awake in the middle of the night and not be on his own, but to be surrounded by a warm embrace while hearing an absolutely genuine love confession. Hearing that someone's life was different because of him, in the positive sense, changing something although he wasn't someone with control at all, neither over himself nor over others.

_ You're changing something in the life of the person you care about the most. _

He wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, just curl his arms around the beautiful, blonde man and whisper all his thoughts into his ear, all the confessions he couldn't really get out of himself and all those realizations he had while lying in bed and staring at the ceiling. 

But all of it might have been a little much for the middle of the night, so he kept it simple, placing a kiss on the soft, blonde hair and inhaling the slightly musky scent.

“You make me want to live, Hoseok. So fucking much.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 23rd of August at 2 AM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

_ You make him want to live, and he makes you want to live. Although it’s different, it’s still somehow similar. _ __  
__  
Hoseok threw his white gown over his broad shoulders and walked up to the counter, placing the freshly brewed coffee on the surface next to him. It was Wednesday and he wanted to talk to the owner after his shift.   
  
_ He will be shocked that you would want to reduce your working time after working maximum over the last three years. _ __  
__  
But he was determined to change himself and the way he had lived until now wasn’t optimal for that. It was optimal for not reflecting and just surviving in ignorance somehow.   
  
_ But you don’t want to be ignorant anymore. You want to live. Like a real person and not a shadow. _ __  
__  
Hoseok took a sip of his coffee and smiled at Susan who entered the pharmacy.   
  
“I’m so happy that you came,” he blabbered and immediately left his position behind the counter, helping the old lady to sit down in the waiting area. “You need new medication and I got it all ready, hoping that you’d come today. Sorry, I wasn’t here last week, I- didn’t feel that good.” He remembered that he had skipped his shift on Ben’s death anniversary and went to the hospital instead, where he had smoked the last cigarette.   
  
“I know, I saw you.” Susan sat down and focused on his face. There was something strange about her gaze, something that hadn’t been there before.   
  
_ She saw you? Where? _ __  
__  
“You couldn’t have seen me, I wasn’t here.” Hoseok stared at the woman’s familiar face, trying to understand what had been going on.   
  
Suddenly, Susan’s fingers curled around his wrist and she smiled.   
  
“I saw you at the hospital. I thought of saying ‘hi’, but you were crying and then you were with Hyungwon, so I didn’t want to disturb you both.” The older woman brushed over the back of his hand with her warm thumb, it was very affectionate.   
  
_ Oh no. _ __  
__  
“Oh- yeah, it’s complicated, but why were you there?” He couldn’t help asking, it was plain strange that so many people were at the same spot at the same time.   
  
“Well, it has been four years since he’s been  gone and I don’t like cemeteries,” Susan whispered and smiled. It was weird, it seemed as if they were talking about the same occurrences although it was impossible.   
  
“I- I also lost someone four years ago, that’s why I went there. Actually, the talk with you last time, that one time you came here with the cake, it helped me a lot to realize important things for myself. I mean, you know how I was living until now, but I don’t think that I want that.” Hoseok looked to the ceiling while speaking. Having confident thoughts was one thing, voicing them randomly was another.   
  
“I was waiting to tell you, Benjamin, he really liked you, you know? He didn’t talk about anything else in the last two months and I can understand why, I just don’t think you should punish yourself for something that wasn’t your fault. You made those two months worth living, he told me. He still couldn’t fight his illness, but he was really happy.” The older woman’s face lit up in a beautiful smile, wrinkles appearing around the big, blue eyes and giving her an even warmer look.   
  
_ She knows Ben? Oh god, she knew who you were, Hoseok, didn’t she? _ __  
__  
“You- you know Ben? But how?” he murmured, throat clogging up at the words Susan told him, about Ben being happy because of him. He felt strange, like in some movie that had been about him and he was the only one who didn’t realize till the end. Like in the Truman show.   
  
“I told you that I have a granddaughter, well, I also had a grandson, Benjamin. I saw pictures you took together on his phone, he showed me. I was with him the last two weeks, that’s why we didn’t meet. I also remember how he called you to ask you to come and was happy that you didn’t. He told me he had wanted you to remember him more or less in a good shape instead of lying in bed while being tied to machines. You two couldn’t have smoked anyway, because he couldn’t move. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you, but I wanted to get to know you, without having a reason to and I’m happy that I did. You are an amazing person, Hoseok. We are all lucky.” Susan smiled again and stroked over his hair.

_ But how? _   
  
He didn’t know what to say, it was crazy, he wasn’t able to connect Susan to the image of Ben’s grandmother that the other man had told him about.   
  
“He- he shared the stuff you baked for him. He never ate it, he tried to give it all to me,” Hoseok murmured and felt a tear run down his cheek. He felt so sad.    
  
The older woman curled her thin arms around him and pulled him into a hug, stroking over his hair while reaching up.   
  
“I know, Hoseok. Thank you so much for being with him back then, he was happy and I am so thankful to you for giving him that. It’s the most precious. You know, those moments where we can genuinely say that we were happy just while being alive and breathing. Those are the most beautiful ones, and you were able to give him a lot of those. He struggled for almost four years, you couldn’t have done anything, but you still did so much.” Susan leaned back a little and focused on his face, before wiping a couple of tears from his cheeks. “I have to be honest with you, I didn’t come here three years ago because I searched for you. It was by chance, I saw and recognized you from one of Benjamin’s pictures and wanted to know more. About the person who had been able to make him so happy during such a hard time. Why aren’t you happy though? You seem better now that you have Hyungwon, but you should try to be happy, this is your life, Hoseok, you can’t just spend it while working and partying and being numb.” The older woman chuckled after her last words. 

“Now I really sound like you’re my grandson and I’m scolding you,” she muttered and patted his head. “Don’t cry, you cried enough during those years, you have such a beautiful smile. I hope Hyungwon sees it a lot. He’s a very handsome and shy young man, you should take good care of him.”   
  
Hoseok didn’t deserve the people that stayed around him.   
  
“I hope you don’t turn away from me only because I’m your ex-boyfriend’s grandmother. I know that sounds weird, I just want to be a friend.” Susan pulled a small paper package with homemade stroopwafels out of her bag and placed it on his lap. “Here, your friend baked you and your very handsome boyfriend some waffles. Tell him I really like how he opens his mouth so wide to fit in a whole waffle.” The older woman laughed and stood up.   
  
Hoseok didn’t move, even after Susan had left the pharmacy after ruffling his hair and telling him something about the right amount of caramel in the waffle and that he needed to learn how to bake to stuff Hyungwon with homemade cake.   
  
_ What is this? Is this reality? Are you really surrounded by people who feel happy because you are there? But why? _ __  
__  
His thinking patterns were crooked. It didn’t matter why he had made those people happy. Fact was that he did and it was good.   
  
_ You have made Ben happy and you’re making Hyungwon happy. He said so. _ __  
__  
He glanced down on his lap and opened the paper bag, looking inside and spotting a tiny blue sticky note.   
  
‘Let’s be happy’    
  
_ Let’s be happy, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
_   
  
  
He was able to reduce his working hours but he still hadn’t been able to study like a smart person, fast and effective.   
  
_ Aren’t you getting greedy, Hoseok? _ __  
__  
He hadn’t been able to see Hyungwon for a whole six days although they lived five minutes apart from each other, it was a struggle.    
  
“I’ll be at Hyungwon’s place, call if something is up,” he called into the hallway.   
  
“Yup, be nice to him and not like the last time. He sounded as if you were skinning him or something,” Kihyun spat out of his room.   
  
_ What the fuck? _ __  
__  
“He was having fun? You just don’t know anything about having fun, which is why you didn’t realize.” He had enough of Kihyun’s sarcastic remarks and slipped into his chucks, checking himself out in the big full-body mirror right after.   
  
_ You look good. _ __  
__  
He did. His hair was still slightly wet from the previous shower and the bright, blue t-shirt hugged his pumped muscles just right. White jeans sat a little lose over his hips and he could see his v-line if he lifted his shirt a little.   
  
_ He likes you no matter how you look. But it’s still nice to impress. _ __  
__  
As expected he had only needed about five minutes to arrive at the familiar apartment building and to run up the stairs until he finally pressed the doorbell and licked over his lips.

Barely two seconds passed before the heavy door opened and Hyungwon appeared, dressed in his typical gigantic sweatshirt and loose sweatpants, one eyebrow raised. However, as soon as the beautiful man with plump lips identified Hoseok, his eyes widened comically and he stepped back.

“Wow, Hoseok.”   
  
_ Wow, Hoseok? Fair enough. _ __  
__  
The wow had been absolutely enough to push the gorgeous man into the apartment and throw the door shut. Tilting his head to the left, he let his gaze roam over Hyungwon’s form before it settled on his lips. Hoseok licked over his own slowly and saw how the big, brown eyes remained widened.   
  
_ Cute. _ __  
__  
Closing the distance he curled one arm around the other man’s slim waist and pulled him into a kiss, licking into his mouth immediately.

Hyungwon groaned into the kiss and tilted his head back, giving him more access as his palms pressed flat against Hoseok’s chest. The black-haired man appeared undecided on whether he actually wanted to push him away or not.

“Fuck- Hoseok- wait- I- I'm-” the other mumbled but the way he just kissed back eagerly, meeting his tongue instantly and throwing his arms around Hoseok’s neck, told a different story.   
  
_ He loves it. _ __  
__  
The way Hyungwon kissed back was absolutely enough to know that he was doing great. Leaning down a little, he grabbed the other man’s thighs and lifted him up, turning them. Hoseok pressed Hyungwon’s back against the wall and kissed his pretty, plump lips roughly.   


“For fuck’s sake- shit- Hoseok,” the lean man cursed and tightened his legs around him, using them for leverage as he attempted to pull himself up and bury his hands in Hoseok’s hair. The black-haired man tilted his head back and basically devoured his mouth, gasps disappearing between their lips. The vigor with which Hyungwon ravished his mouth was new and he loved it. Pressing his hips against the other man's lower body, Hoseok groaned and went for Hyungwon's smooth neck, leaving small bites and licking over them right after. Shit, he had missed him so much.

“Fucking hell,” the familiar, low voice moaned in his ear as Hyungwon increased the strength with which he pulled at his hair to bring him back to the kiss, meeting his tongue. As an extra the gorgeous man used the strength of his legs again to roll his hips into Hoseok’s, groaning into his mouth.   
  
Hoseok really wanted him.   
  
He was hard and the friction didn’t make it any better, just like the way Hyungwon basically jumped him. It was hot, so fucking hot.   
  
“Shit, you make me want to fuck you,” Hoseok groaned and cupped Hyungwon’s ass, rolling his slim hips into his right after.

His favourite pair of big brown eyes settled on his face, as the beautiful man in his arms put a little bit of distance between them, panting harshly and erection straining his sweatpants.

“Ehm- that's great and all, but-" Hyungwon began but appeared to change his mind again as his eyes widened a little and he bit his lip, pupils dark and focused on him. “Kiss me.”   
  
Hoseok smiled at him, it was really cute how the other man got stuck as soon as Hoseok showed him his wild side. He licked over Hyungwon’s plump lips and parted them with his tongue, holding his body in place before moving away from the wall and dropping down onto the couch. He curled both arms around his slim waist and felt how he rubbed his ass over his erection, as if on purpose.

The other man's hands were fast, instantly letting go of his hair and sliding over his chest instead, grabbing his pecs. The black-haired man bit his lower lip as he did so. Leaning in, Hyungwon sucked the skin above Hoseok’s collarbone into his mouth and bit down, continuing the same treatment with the other collarbone before hooking his index finger into the collar of his shirt and pulling it down far enough to reveal a nipple. Plump lips instantly closed around it and sucked it into the warm heat of the other man's mouth.   
  
“You know that you can have it all,” Hoseok hissed and put a little distance between them before pulling the shirt over his head and throwing it behind the sofa. His lips immediately attached to the other man’s, fuck, Hoseok wanted to stay like that forever.

Hyungwon smiled into the kiss as he reached down and let his fingers graze Hoseok’s clothed erection tentatively. The black-haired man's thighs were tight around his own, as he rolled his hips again, increasing friction and pulling at his lower lip with his teeth, a groan leaving the beautiful man.   
  
Hoseok moaned, low and rather loud, grabbing the slim hips and pushing them down on himself, while his teeth were biting along Hyungwon’s pretty neck.

“Like that?” the other man breathed out and rolled his hips again, one hand curling into Hoseok’s hair to pull him a little lower, almost reaching a prominent collarbone, partially revealed by the oversized shirt.   
  
Hoseok was happy that Hyungwon finally voiced what he liked, it was amazing, so he licked over his collarbone, pulling the shirt down and sucking on a pretty, dark nipple while thrusting into the hip roll.

“Shit- I also want you to fuck me senseless but that's a really bad idea,” Hyungwon murmured before moaning quietly, reacting to the way Hoseok caressed his skin. “I fucking love your thighs.”   
  
_ He’s still unsure about it, don’t force it on him, Hoseok. He needs time. _ __  
__  
“It’s okay, babe, you don’t have to, just stay like this,” he moaned before continuing his ministrations and enjoying the reaction. Hyungwon really seemed to love it.

The slim hips continued their motion as the other man met his gaze again, drawing a deep breath through his nose.

“Isn't it difficult for you though? N-not touching me like you want to?” he asked hesitantly, motions in contrast to the insecurity shown on the pretty face.   
  
“I want us both to get the maximum pleasure out of it, I can only have that if I know that you love what I’m doing and enjoy it as much as you can, it’s an easy rule, isn’t it?” Hoseok smiled and roamed over Hyungwon’s back, tracing his spine through the shirt while placing small kisses along his collarbones and up his shoulder.

“Less talking, more kissing,” Hyungwon gasped as he nodded and closed his eyes, throwing his head back while enjoying the caresses. “Shit- Hoseok, lemme suck you off.”   
  
_ Oh god, yes. _ __  
__  
“First you, I want to hear those pretty moans,” he replied and rubbed over the other man’s prominent erection, straining his sweatpants. “Climb up,” he said, but pulled Hyungwon’s ass up, such that the other man’s knees were on each side of his hips and his crotch only centimeters from Hoseok’s face.

“Nah, I'd rather- H-Hoseok, how about I start? You know how much I e-enjoy it.”   
  
_ Since when does he fight? _ __  
__  
“You can enjoy it later,” he murmured and pulled the pants such that the other man’s pretty erection touched his lips. It was almost perfect. He let his tongue travel along the tip, digging into the slit and tasting precum. He left both hands on the other man’s hips, in the case that Hyungwon wasn’t able to keep balance.

Interestingly, the other appeared more composed than usual as he exhaled through his nose and curled the fingers of his right hand into Hoseok’s hair, pulling him back.

“Wait- listen- I really don't want to undress and I'd much rather- p-please you,” he muttered and inhaled through his nose again, hips moving forward slightly out of reflex.   
  
_ He doesn’t want to? But why? _ __  
__  
It wasn’t really the time to ask deep questions about self-hate and body image, so he didn’t. Instead, he tugged the other man’s erection back into his Armani underwear and pulled him down onto his lap.   
  
“Fine, but I’ll fuck you with my tongue after that.” Hoseok tilted his head to the left and licked his lips.

The big, brown eyes widened in shock as Hyungwon stared at him for a while, as if he contemplated what to do.

“But- I'm not ready for that- like- at all, I was cleaning and am probably covered in barely legal substances,” he elaborated as he simply pushed himself backwards from Hoseok’s thighs until he landed on the ground, kneeling between his legs comfortably and licking over his plump lips.   
  
_ He’s a dancer, he probably just never showed you. _ __  
__  
“Thank you for this Ted Talk from between my legs, you’ll just go and get ready and I don’t think that you poured bleach in there, so…” Hoseok smirked and spread his legs, enjoying how his naked torso must’ve looked in combination with his white jeans. Hyungwon looked extremely intrigued.

“Uh-huh.” A smile spread the plump lips as the black-haired man mumbled something that sounded like ‘tease’ and easily undid the button of Hoseok’s jeans with one hand while rubbing along his clothed length with the other. Hyungwon was surprisingly calm throughout the whole process of undressing, merely focusing on keeping the sensations coming and his lips wet.

As soon as his erection sprang free from its confinement, the small smile returned as Hyungwon leaned in and began to place kitten licks all over and along his tip, short but effective, all the while staring at him with his big, brown eyes. His left hand had created a circle with his thumb and index finger that he curled around Hoseok’s dick, squeezing a little at the base.   
  
Hoseok moaned, raking his hand through Hyungwon’s black hair and grabbing a fistful. The other man must’ve prepared himself by watching porn or something similarly funny, fact was that it felt amazing.

The kitten licks continued, moving down to the transition between head and base as Hyungwon sucked on it and began to slide the tight ring he had created with his left hand, up and down Hoseok’s shaft, supported by the thick plump lips that covered his tip and sucked harshly, tongue dipping into the slit. Shit, Hoseok loved it, the sensation flooded his system and he tightened his grip and thrust up a little to get more.

Hyungwon's right hand immediately came up and pressed down on his hip bone, keeping him in place as if the other man wanted to decide the pace, making his way down Hoseok’s erection while twirling his tongue around it. The motions continued for a few torturous seconds until the beautiful man finally slipped down and took about half of him between his luscious lips, humming instantly.   
  
“I really love your lips around my dick, but how about you let me know how your mouth feels from the inside?” He grinned and pushed the other man down a little.

The hand on his hips held on tighter while Hyungwon's left hand let go of his erection and curled around his balls instead, pulling down a little, almost unpleasantly. Slipping off his erection, the brown eyes met his again.

“Eager much?” the black-haired man asked with a smile before covering most of Hoseok’s dick with his mouth, sliding down until it hit his throat and humming loudly. The hand that held him in place disappeared, sliding somewhere that was not on his body as Hyungwon bobbed his head, more focused on his orgasm instead of building it up.  
  
He groaned, it felt so fucking good and it looked so fucking good. He would’ve preferred it if Hyungwon was completely naked, but life wasn’t a wishlist.   
  
“I’m close,” he hissed and threw his head back, feeling how Hyungwon’s muscles tensed and he broke eye contact.

The beautiful man moaned around his dick, rather unexpectedly after how purposeful his hums had appeared before speeding up even further, left hand massaging his balls.   
  
“Shit, you’re so fucking hot, fuck,” he cursed and groaned, releasing himself inside Hyungwon’s mouth, feeling how his muscles contracted and relaxed right after, leaving him in a pleasant blurriness.

Hyungwon swallowed quickly and merely licked over his tip once before packing him back into his underwear and closing the zipper and button of his jeans.

“You're also pretty damn hot,” the other man's low voice commented as he stood up, using Hoseok’s knees to carry his weight for a few seconds. Hyungwon seemed a little restless, glancing towards the hallway.   
  
“Are you okay?” he asked, and took the other man’s chin between his thumb and index finger and leaned in, placing a soft kiss on the swollen mouth and licking inside it.

There was an instant moan as Hyungwon curled his arms around him and climbed on his lap, just to pull back again. The black-haired man seemed strangely conflicted, body saying yes but mind saying no.   
  
Hoseok curled both arms around his slim waist and continued placing kisses on top of his hot mouth.   
  
“Do you want to be alone or something? Or did I do something wrong?” he kept asking while pressing the other man closer.

“N-no, not at all. You're awesome, it's just- I'm not feeling well. Don't really know what it is.” Hyungwon put a bit of distance between them and glanced away again, inhaling sharply. “Maybe the cleaning fumes. I don't know.”   
  
Hoseok tightened his grip on Hyungwon’s hips and stood up, carrying the other man into his bedroom and placing him on top of the freshly changed sheets.   
  
“It’s okay, just write me when you’re okay again, I missed you.” He leaned down and licked into his favourite mouth, hissing at the warmth and loving the contact he didn’t have for almost a week.

“You're fine without talking, at all? Is that how our relationship works?” Hyungwon asked slowly as he crawled a little further up on the bed, covering his body with a blanket and looking up at him, eyes big and lips pulled together.   
  
“Do you want to talk? I can also stay, it just seems as if you want to be alone and you told me that you do need it sometimes. Do you want me to stay?” Hoseok smiled and kissed Hyungwon’s swollen lips once again.

“I- I don't know. Maybe you're right, maybe I should just take a break, get my thoughts in order. Let's meet soon though. I- I missed you too." The black-haired man was chewing on his lip, visibly uncomfortable.

_ You can't go like this, Hoseok. _

He let himself fall next to the slim figure and curled his arms around his waist, pressing him closer and placing tender kisses along his neck. He was half naked but it was okay, Hyungwon liked it when he showed skin.

“It'll be okay, I'll stay for a bit and then leave,” he whispered into the pretty, curled ear and stroked over Hyungwon's pitch-black hair. 

The other man just hummed, tensing a little before relaxing again and staying in Hoseok’s arms.

He smelled the scent of freshly washed sheets and detergent. Hyungwon's hair smelled like an expensive shampoo, the other man must've showered before Hoseok had come. It was quiet and calm and he let his legs entangle with Hyungwon's, feeling how his chest rose and fell right next to his.

“You're- you're really affectionate,” the black-haired man whispered, placing his hands carefully around Hoseok’s waist.

“Do you think it's strange that I am?” he asked and brushed a loose strand behind Hyungwon's ear before exhaling against his pretty, plump lips.

“No, it's nice, really nice.” Moving a little closer, Hyungwon curled his arms around him properly, pulling him on top of his shoulder before he appeared to suddenly change his mind and switched, putting his head on Hoseok’s shoulder instead.

“I really love being next to you.” He enjoyed the body heat that transcended between the other man's thin sweatshirt and his naked upper body, sinking his fingers into the black hair and stroking along Hyungwon's scalp.

“I really love being next to you too, lots,” Hyungwon whispered, but he spoke a little differently. “However, Kyungwon also wanted to come over and- yeah.”

_ The crazy brother. _

“Ah, that's okay, enjoy your time,” he whispered against Hyungwon's thick lips before placing a soft kiss on top them. “I'll get going then, just tell me when you want to see me.”

“You want me to tell you? Ehm, sure, I'll try.”

“I love you.” Hoseok kissed him and stood up, walking out and pulling his abandoned shirt over his body before slipping into his shoes he had basically thrown off his feet and walked out. 

Hyungwon had been a little strange and he really hoped that it wasn't something he had said or done, making the other man uncomfortable and emotional.

_ He didn't tell you that he loved you back. _

Sure, it didn't really matter as Hyungwon had seemed a little out of it, but he had really wanted to please him.

_ And now you got an amazing blowjob and he got nothing. _

He pulled out his phone and typed. 

‘I really love you, Hyungwon, I hope that you know.’  
  


***

 

His sports bag was heavy on his shoulders, weighing him down on one side and probably making a Quasimodo out of him despite the slim frame. Hyungwon regretted not asking Hyunwoo to come along and pop by his apartment, thereby also carrying the sports bag up the stairs for him.

_ Kyungwon will be there though, he’d innuendo the shit out of him. _

_ Don't do that to the poor guy. _

Hyungwon was a weakling but at the moment he was a relatively cheerful weakling. Despite fucking up a few of his moves, he felt quite good. Hyunwoo and him had begun to freshen up past choreographies and it seemed like his body had known the motions even if his head believed that he hadn’t.

_ You might get back to what you like, Hyungwon. You’re doing great. _

Of course he wasn’t an idiot, he knew that tomorrow he could suddenly decide that he sucked at everything and his dancing was the worst it had ever been (which it technically was apart from when he was at the clinic), but it just felt nice to harbor some positive thoughts.

_ You should probably write them down for later. _

The positive emotions only got better as he finally arrived at his door and fumbled with his key, having to pull out his phone first because he had pushed it on top mindlessly. A quick glance revealed no scratches and a shiny blue light on the top, a message.

_ It might be Hoseok. _

Chewing on his bottom lip, Hyungwon unlocked the phone and stared at the Whatsapp message that his boyfriend had written twenty minutes ago.

‘I really love you, Hyungwon, I hope that you know.’

He smiled, feeling warm at the words and imagined how Hoseok would have whispered them in his ear, stroking over his hair and pulling him close. Sighing at the fact that he barely saw the other man, he quickly typed an answer, hoping it wasn’t too late. He sucked at answering quickly but he had really tried the past week, replying with something his brain came up with as soon as he saw.

‘I love you too, Hoseok. I hope we can meet soon.’ It looked a little plain on his screen, like it didn’t capture what he felt and wanted to say, but there wasn’t really much he could have done to make it deeper, at least nothing his slow neurons could think of that quickly.

Pushing his phone into his other pocket, he pulled out the keys and opened the door, inhaling the scent of home.

Just that it didn’t smell all that much like home, but rather like cleaning chemicals.

_ He cleaned. _

Looking up he was met with the sight of his brother, leaning against one of the drawers in the hallway and watching him as if he had been waiting for him to come home.

_ Were you gone for that long? _

“Did I take long? I’m sorry. You didn’t have to clean though, I’m feeling pretty good recently so I might have managed,” he commented with an apologetic smile and hoped that Kyungwon hadn’t been bored to death while waiting for him. It was their weekly hangout night (unlessHyungwon cancelled it) and for once they weren’t going to do what his twin enjoyed doing, namely partying, but were going to stay at home and literally ‘hang out' instead. He was really looking forward to it, he had missed spending time with Kyungwon.  
  
_ And so much happened. _

“Don’t worry about it, I just cleaned ‘cause I felt like it,” the black-haired man murmured from the drawer, still leaning against it and watching how Hyungwon peeled his converse off his feet. It was a little strange somehow although Hyungwon couldn’t pinpoint exactly why, maybe the fact that his brother wasn’t grinning.

Kyungwon looked as gorgeous as ever, black hair soft from freshly washing it and falling prettily over his forehead without covering his eyes (unlike Hyungwon’s - he really needed a haircut) and his face had a tiny hint of more color than usual, like when he stayed in the sauna for a little to long.

It was amusing to see his brother in the gigantic black sweatshirt that he usually wore and equally black and loose sweatpants.

_ He still looks gorgeous. _

“You fill them out much better than I do,” Hyungwon murmured, staring at the way Kyungwon’s thighs were a little more lean than his own, grazing the heavy, black fabric.

“Don’t know, maybe,” the other replied absentmindedly and disappeared through the kitchen door. The sound of the coffee machine was enough of a hint that he was making a cup of coffee, probably for the both of them as Hyungwon never drank proper coffee unless his brother was around.

_ He’s a little strange though, maybe something happened? _

Disappearing into his bedroom to quickly slip out of the minimally tighter sports clothes, Hyungwon pulled a big, black t-shirt and a similar pair of sweatpants to the ones that his brother was wearing over his scarred legs and bony hips. The process was relatively fast, covering up everything he didn’t like so it was okay somehow.

“Aren’t you hot in a sweatshirt, Won?” he asked as he entered the kitchen and climbed up on the counter, watching Kyungwon remove two full cups from the machine.

“You’re the one to talk, walking around in black sweatshirts when it’s almost 30 degrees outside.” His brother pursed his lips in dissatisfaction and handed him one of the cups, carefully sipping on his own.

_ He’s smarter than you, sipping slowly instead of burning his whole mouth and letting his crush cool it with an ice cube. _

Hyungwon chuckled at the memory, disbelieving that he was that embarrassing. Shit- he was still just as embarrassing except for the fact that Hoseok dealt with all of it.

“How...was dancing?” Kyungwon asked, not reacting to his sudden chuckle as he carefully lifted his body up on the counter next to him, easily carrying his own weight. Hyungwon couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit jealous. He danced but still his brother had more strength, working out regularly.

_ Why is he so hesitant though? _

“It was pretty good actually. I fucked up but it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. Are you- are you okay, Kyungwon? You’re acting a little- strange.” Hyungwon couldn’t help asking as the worry piled up in his head. There weren’t a lot of things that could get his confident brother out of concept like that. Usually it was something related to him, unfairness towards him or something their parents had done again.

_ It’s probably you again. _

“I’m strange? Really? Fuck.” Kyungwon bit down on his lower lip before throwing his head back and leaning against one of the shelves, arms carrying most of his weight. “This is so fucked up, fuck.”

_ Fucked up? Shit, what have you done, Hyungwon? _

He panicked and reached out, placing his hand on Kyungwon thigh and squeezing a little to get the other man's attention. If he had done something, then he had to apologize before it got worse.

“Is it me? Did I do something to upset you, Won? I- I'm really sorry if I did. I actually made sure to be less destructive - I swear!” He sounded desperate, but making Kyungwon upset was on his list of most horrible things to happen to him. It was rare and the other man could be vicious.

However, instead of narrowed eyes and a pretty face that turned away from him, he was met with hands on his shoulders and wide, brown orbs.

“W-what? You didn't do anything, Hyungwon, what the actual fuck?” The other man seemed frustrated as he brushed through his hair, ruffling it up a little, one strand remaining opposed to the others. “It's me, I'm fucked up, holy shit.”

_ Why would he be fucked up? He's the most normal among you two. _

Hyungwon tilted his head in question and chewed on his cheek, fixing the stray strand and putting it back where it belonged.

“Hyungwon, why… do you actually like Hoseok?” Kyungwon’s face was a little difficult to read, like his brother didn't want him to. The similarly long fingers merely intertwined with his own and held his hand, just like the black-haired man knew he liked.

_ But why does he want to know? _

“W-well, he's nice a-and cares a lot and has an angel-like smile and he's really beautiful and he just- he makes me feel special.” It felt a little embarrassing to say all that, especially since Hyungwon wasn't sure whether those were even proper reasons. He only knew that he loved Hoseok, not necessarily why, it wasn't that relevant.

“He seems very- affectionate.” Kyungwon did something rather out of character as he lifted his left hand, the one that wasn't holding Hyungwon's, and began nibbling on his fingers, like he was concerned with something.

_ He hasn't done that since middle school. He hates it. _

“Kyungwon, what happened?” He squeezed his brother’s hand tighter and leaned in, enough to be able to look at his face, try to understand why he was upset and unwilling to tell him.

“I'm an asshole- fuck- that's what's up,” the black-haired man exclaimed and jumped off the counter, like he didn't really want to be close, grabbing his coffee cup and emptying half of it. “I'm a fucking asshole. I'm sorry, Hyungwon.”

_ He's sorry towards you? _

Hyungwon's head hurt from the attempt to figure out why his brother would be sorry towards him, the list of times that happened had always been rather straightforward.

_ When he felt like your misery was partially his fault. _

It was bullshit. Hyungwon's misery was biological and his brother was lucky to get around it, get the nicer copy of the genes despite everything. There was no reason for Kyungwon to feel guilty, there hadn't been anything to feel guilty for.

“Don't be sorry, you know that nothing is your fault. You're amazing and help me so much and I am so glad that you are my brother. Really, Kyungwon,” he murmured as he jumped off the counter himself and curled his arms around his brother’s neck, resting his head on the other’s shoulder and hoping he would realize that he was fucking perfect.

Instead of relaxing and returning the embrace, Kyungwon tensed, inhaling sharply and pulling his lips into a thin line.

_ But if it's not you, what is it then? _

Hyungwon looked up, watching the way the other man's big eyes avoided his, jumping to various objects in the kitchen, his coffee cup, his uncovered, scarred arms. Kyungwon looked at everything, except for him. 

_ He's guilty, Hyungwon. He's guilty about doing something. _

His thoughts moved from one possibility to the next, all times that Kyungwon had felt guilty towards him. The very detailed image of himself as a middle schooler materialised in front of his inner eye, showing him and a boy he had liked back then. They had done their school work together and Hyungwon had a crush but was way too terrified to make a move. As always.

Kyungwon had been amused, offering to figure out whether the boy liked boys or not. It was simple really, why would anybody resist his brother if they liked men? He was gorgeous. 

_ Just that that's the problem, they lose interest once Kyungwon gets involved. _

It was selfish and dumb, really, feeling upset about his love interest developing an interest in his brother. It was only natural and it had always been the case. The other man was beautiful, confident and knew what he wanted. Those were admirable qualities and it was difficult to hate the other man or detest him for having admirable qualities. Who was Hyungwon to tell people who to be attracted to?

There was nothing else that would make Kyungwon feel guilty like this apart from the constant seducing of the ones Hyungwon loved. It had always been like that. The further the thought moved, the more his heart beat in his chest, furiously and almost painful with its intensity.

_ Hoseok, it's about Hoseok, isn't it? _

He almost laughed at his prior belief that Hoseok genuinely preferred him over his brother. His boyfriend had simply not met him yet, not really.

“You- you met Hoseok, didn't you?” he whispered and felt a cold shudder move down his back, like saying the words made it so much more real.

“It's not what you think,” Kyungwon remarked instantly and grabbed his wrist. He knew Hyungwon well and when he wanted to run away and hide, like now.

_ He won't let you go. _

“That's what you always say.”

“No, that's what I say when it applies. Shit- I'm sorry, Hyungwon, but it's really not what you think.” Kyungwon seemed genuine, tightening his fingers around Hyungwon's wrist and keeping him close, eyes wide.

_ Just don't say anything, it'll pass, he'll tell you. _

“He doesn't like me, you idiot. He loves you, so fucking much, fuck-" It almost hurt how the black-haired man held onto his wrist, pulling him closer like he was convinced that he'd run away. “You think I'm sorry because he fell for me, don't you? Well, you're fucking wrong, Hyungwon, so stop trying to run away.”

It was a little scary, like Kyungwon didn't know the best course of action himself, glancing away but still holding onto him.

“What is it then?” he heard himself ask, voice so much unlike his own, distant like his head had already started it's protection mechanism.

“Hoseok came, I pretended to be you. I'm sorry, Hyungwon.”

_ What? _

“B-but w-why would you pretend to be me if- if you could just be you?” Hyungwon couldn't help but stutter. It made no sense at all. The words just didn't register in his head with a proper reason. Kyungwon was gorgeous and the only reason the other man ever had to pretend to be Hyungwon was to beat the shit out of someone or prank someone. There was no reason to pretend to be him in front of Hoseok.

“Listen- it was fast, okay? He just saw me and thought I was you, I look just like you like this.” Kyungwon gestured along his body, pointing out his attire and his covered arms. Hyungwon would have disagreed. The skin on the other man's neck wasn't a little red but smooth, lean thighs filled out the sweatpants instead of his bony ones and Kyungwon’s posture was better.

_ But Hoseok isn't as attentive as you are, no one is. _

It was probably stupid but his mind instantly returned to the message he had read right before coming home, the sweet confession Hoseok had sent him.

_ He sent it after meeting Kyungwon. _

_ Of course he did. _

Hyungwon would have laughed but his vision was a little blurry and he didn't want to burden his brother with his lack of physical strength in addition to his emotional instability.

“What did you do?” he asked and tried to free his arm, unsuccessfully. The question appeared to catch Kyungwon off guard as the other man let go of his wrist, staring at him.

“W- well, we kissed, but- you're not getting my fucking point, Hyungwon.”

_ They kissed? _

Kyungwon was a pretty good kisser. He was good at basically anything he attempted.

“I'm sure it was great,” he mumbled and turned around, trying to find the way to his bedroom without stumbling and breaking something.

_ Maybe you should, then you wouldn't have to think about this anymore, too busy with trying to fix your broken bones. _

Instead of his heart.

Kyungwon wasn't following him, at least not yet as he passed the door frame to his bedroom and collapsed on the bed. It hurt, it really hurt, the thought alone that Hoseok might be changing his mind now, even though he didn't know it had been Kyungwon. Whatever the other man had done, it must have left an impression. There was no way that Hoseok would stay with him after that, not as soon as he saw him and his imperfections.

_ You're the broken twin. You keep forgetting that. _

He tried to reach for his blanket, only to feel that it was on the other side, the one Kyungwon preferred to lie on when he visited.

_ Just that he never lies in bed alone, he hates it. _

Hyungwon swallowed at the thought, images of Hoseok kissing his brother on his bed filling his head and refusing to leave.

_ At least he'll be able to contact him and visit spontaneously, that's- that's good, Hyungwon. It'll make Hoseok happier. _

Steps sounded on the wooden floors, probably Kyungwon deciding to talk to him. But there wasn't much to talk about anymore. It was clear.

“You're an idiot, Hyungwon,” his brother muttered as he entered the room, climbed on top of the bed and pulled him into his embrace roughly, stroking over his hair. “You understand absolutely nothing and whatever your brain just came up with is wrong, it's almost always wrong, Hyungwon. Don't you remember? You make conclusions and they are always so self-destructive. Can't you just listen to me, please?”

Kyungwon shook him a little, distorting his vision and the way the ceiling looked above him. Hyungwon would have preferred it to stay in place, fitting to the burning in his chest that remained.

“I'm listening,” he murmured, simply because that was what his brother wanted to hear.

“I pretended to be you because he reacted too intensely. He likes you so fucking much and- and I just couldn't resist, Hyungwon. He was so affectionate and I just went with it. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have. It's just-" The black-haired man was speaking quickly, visibly struggling to explain himself and use the right words. The way Kyungwon’s fingers pulled at his hair was a little too tight at moments when the other must have disliked what he was saying. “He's so affectionate.”

Hyungwon smiled at the words. It felt nice somehow, like Kyungwon was making the same experiences, learning the things he did and thereby returning to the times when they had shared everything, home, friends and feelings.

“He's wonderful and I'm sure he'll like you, Kyungwon. You're wonderful too. Both of you are.” His voice didn't sound like him again as he spoke, brain barely registering that there were fingers still brushing through his hair and hugging him.

“You're wrong,” Kyungwon whispered suddenly, warm breath hitting his forehead as he glanced up, meeting his brother’s serious gaze, eyes big and so much like his own.

“Why?” he whispered, pressure remaining in his chest as he couldn't help realizing again how fucking perfect Kyungwon was.

“Because right now, I really wish I was you, Hyungwon.”

_

 

“Please don’t tell him,” Kyungwon murmured as he brushed an ugly strand from Hyungwon’s forehead and placed it somewhere behind his ear, uncovering it.

“I won’t,” he replied quietly and hoped the way his hair fell wasn’t too hideous and wouldn’t make Hoseok change his mind instantly, especially after having seen Kyungwon last, believing it was him.

_ How the fuck are you supposed to compare now? _

It still hurt but not as much, chest burning only in the background as he looked at his brother and remembered the other man’s wish to meet Hoseok himself and tell him. It was simple, a confession, but knowing Kyungwon that didn’t have to mean anything. The other man was impossibly charming and beautiful, easily grabbing attention and keeping it without even trying hard.

_ Hoseok said he doesn’t like him, but that can change easily. _

“Just- just visit him whenever you like as you usually do, I told you it’s okay. I won’t tell him,” he mumbled and slipped into his shoes, feeling a little uncomfortable with the way Kyungwon stared at him, like he didn’t believe him, at least not really.

“You will actually go to his place, right? I promised, so you better fucking do it. Want me to drive you?” Kyungwon was already slipping into his shoes and grabbing his car keys even before Hyungwon could reply. Once he was ready to leave, his brother had already grabbed his wrist and pulled him after him, down the stairs and to his car. “Gotta keep my promise.”

_ He’s being strange. _

Hyungwon’s emotions were a little conflicted, happy that he was going to see Hoseok, scared of the other man feeling disappointed at his actions and finally, terrified of the day Kyungwon would tell Hoseok that it had been him.

_ Because he will realise who it is and that he can have it, apart from you. _

Sitting in the car and watching the bicyclists drive past, it seemed almost ironic that only a day ago Hyungwon had felt cheerful and like he was managing things, considering to write them down and look at them when he felt down. It seemed absolutely ridiculous at this point, like whatever he had thought back then was just bullshit, meant to cheer him up like a fucking idiot.

Stopping where he wasn’t allowed to park, Kyungwon was again much faster than him with how he got out. Walking around the car, his brother pulled him out of it, still holding onto his wrist.

“I’ll hand you over successfully and then I’ll go to my lecture,” the handsome man said with a smile and pressed the bell, glancing at Hyungwon.

The door opened and Hoseok appeared in the door crack, a bright smile played on the beautiful, pale face while the strong hands were rubbing a small, white towel over the other man's wet blonde bangs.

“Hyungwon!”

It felt a little shocking to have his name be called out that loudly so Hyungwon jerked at the sound, eyes widening automatically and glancing towards Kyungwon who was standing next to him and grinning as usual.

“I brought him over as a present because he struggles to come himself, have fun you two.” Smiling quickly and squeezing his shoulder, his brother turned around and just gave a short hand wave as he walked back to his car.

“H-hi,” Hyungwon forced out and couldn’t help the panic in his chest, afraid that Hoseok would immediately see the difference and wish to exchange them.

“Holy fuck, I only just saw you yesterday but I missed you like crazy, I'm so happy that you came,” the other man said and pulled him into his apartment, closing the door behind him. “Are you okay?”

_ He really thinks it was you. _

“Y-yeah, I'm great I-" Hyungwon stopped talking as the wish to bury his head in Hoseok’s chest was almost overwhelming. “I really missed you and I love you, a lot, really.”

“Come here,” Hoseok murmured and curled his arms around him, dropping the towel on the floor carelessly. His curved lips closed the distance and touched his.

It felt so relieving, like the other man knew what was on his mind and acted accordingly, making him feel better. Hyungwon circled his arms around Hoseok’s broad neck carefully and kissed back, licking over the other man's bottom lip.

“How have you been?” he whispered as soon as they parted, stroking along Hoseok’s arms and watching the pretty, brown eyes. His head rested on the blonde’s shoulder almost automatically, like it was what he needed the most.

“I mean, we saw each other yesterday but we didn't talk much, I had a lot of things to tell you actually but it kinda escalated.” Hoseok stroked over his hair and stumbled backwards until they fell on top of the couch. The other man immediately pulled him on top of his lap.

Hyungwon placed his thighs more carefully next to the other man's broad ones and felt how his eyes widened at the sudden action. He loved being manhandled but the words that had left Hoseok’s lips sent a shudder down his spine.

_ ‘Escalated’? But he said they just kissed. _

“D-do you think, that's e-escalation?” he stuttered and tried not to move too much, chewing on his lower lip. His hands were slow as they reached out and held onto Hoseok’s shoulders. Something about the position made him feel a little exposed although he was dressed.

_ It's the comparison. You know he saw him yesterday, but you don't look like that at all. You're a fucking stick. _

“Wow, you're getting brave. I mean you didn't let me do the one thing I promised you, but I'd say that giving me a blowjob instead of talking is some kind of escalation.” Hoseok licked over his lips and smiled.

Hyungwon tensed, unable to return the sign of affection and merely freezing in place as his hands dug into the other man's shoulders unintentionally.

_ They didn't just kiss. He didn't tell you everything, Hyungwon. He sucked him off. _

Liquid dread spread through his chest and stomach, making him feel sick without a warning. Inhaling through his nose, he tried to calm down. After all, he had promised Kyungwon not to tell Hoseok, he had to pretend it had been him and he knew.

_ Of course he didn't tell you, you would have lost it. He's scared of you doing something stupid. _

Hyungwon couldn't even really blame his brother. There were a lot of good reasons for assuming he couldn't have handled the news, fuck, he barely handled it now, wishing to faint or to just stop breathing.

_ You won't be able to compare, Hyungwon. Never. _

“Y- you're right,” he whispered and bit down on his lip so harshly that it hurt, refocusing the attention on the man in front of him. Hoseok looked worried.

“What's wrong? You seemed strange yesterday too, did something happen? Did I do something wrong? I really just missed you, I just want to be close to you, Hyungwon.” Hoseok leaned in closer and kissed his lips softly.

“I'm sorry- it's just- it's just my h-head, telling me that I'm not likable again,” he whispered, unable to pull a complete lie out of his fingers. He was better with half truths. “I want to be c-close to you too, so much, I- I couldn't think about much else for the past week. You make me feel so much.”

“You're the reason I could survive through this week of hell, you're the most likable, I love you so much.” Hoseok looked at his face intently. “You look absolutely gorgeous, Hyungwon. Just don't be distant with me, I don't want that.” 

_ Don't punish him for your own insecurities. It's not his fault your brother is better than you. _

Hyungwon smiled, leaning in and pressing his lips to the others man's, inhaling the fresh scent of his shampoo and shower gel.

“I love you too, I'm s-sorry, I won't be distant.” He brushed through Hoseok’s hair, enjoying the way it felt between his fingers. “W-what did you want to tell me?”

“Well, first of all, I'm glad that the cute stuttering is back, I kinda missed it. Second, I will work less starting next week, only one day a week, so I have more time to spend with you.” The beautiful blonde man smiled brightly.

_ He likes your stuttering? _

“Y- you like it? Doesn't it make me seem d-dumb?” Hyungwon couldn't help asking as he pressed himself closer to the other man and felt happy at the possibility to see him more often, to be able to spend time with him. “I- I can't wait to see you more, b-but- will you be fine? Financially?”

“Don't know, let's see. Yes, I love your stuttering, now you only need to blush and I'm happy,” Hoseok said and giggled, hugging him tightly.

It was ridiculous because of course he was going to blush just because the man he liked told him he liked his blush. The thought alone that Hoseok was pointing out his habits and giggling while saying that it made him happy, was absolutely sufficient to send all of his blood to his face. It was embarrassing but for some reason Hoseok liked everything that was embarrassing about him.

_ You're like a teenager. _

“I dreamt of you again,” Hyungwon murmured and glanced to the side, drawing circles on the blonde’s clothed abdomen. “It wasn't very- very i- innocent either.”   
  
“Tell me about it.” Hoseok tilted his head to the left and smirked. “Shit, I love it so much when you blush.” 

Oh god.

Hyungwon swallowed and kept staring at Hoseok’s chest, hoping it was less embarrassing than staring at his face and most likely resembling a primary school girl in front of her crush.

_ Just that he’s your boyfriend and loves you. _

The positive thought stayed, despite his worries and the way his brain tried to convince him that he was disgusting and in no way worth being touched by Hoseok if he could have something prettier.

_ But he didn’t see Kyungwon naked, did he? So he doesn’t know yet, maybe it’ll be fine. _

“A-are you sure you want to h-hear that? Oh god,” he muttered and fought the images of his last dream, probably a courtesy of having someone sleeping in his bed that was almost as touchy as he was when he wasn’t having a mental breakdown.   
  
“I really want to hear that, especially after you didn’t let me rim you yesterday, although I really wanted to,” Hoseok murmured, sounding a little sulky towards the end.

_ Holy shit, Kyungwon didn’t let him because Hoseok would have found out he isn’t you. _

In addition, Hyungwon was well aware that his brother wasn’t too much of a fan of compromising positions that involved being at someone’s mercy like that. Kyungwon preferred to be the one to tell people what to do.

“Y-you can if- oh god- I mean- if you want to-” he mumbled before just hiding his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck and hoping that the embarrassment would pass, just like it kind of did when he told Hoseok that he liked to be dominated and thrown around like a rag doll.   
  
“You seem more like yourself today, I love it. I can and I want and I will, but first you will tell me about your dream,” Hoseok murmured and chuckled right after, stroking over his black hair.

“Maybe you’ll- you’ll only have nice dreams if I keep t-telling you all the embarrassing s-sex scenarios my brain is able to come up with.” Hyungwon inhaled deeply and blew air through his lips, attempting to get his bangs out of his face. They were really getting way too long and making him look like an emo kid, much unlike Kyungwon’s orderly fringe. “It’s really stupid though. It’s- it’s kind of all about you, t-touching me and stuff, running your hands over my- ehm- my thighs and saying they are nice although the aren’t- and- oh god-”   
  
“Oh god? That’s abstract. And I fucking love your thighs, they are so slim but firm, especially if I can bite into the inner thigh while they’re on my shoulders.” Hoseok grinned and placed one of his palms over his thigh on purpose, squeezing it in a firm grip.

Hyungwon felt his blood rushing in his ears and downwards at the same time, trying really hard not to think about that too much and make it even more obvious, especially with the way he had to shift on the other man’s lap.

“You- you also- fuck this is hard- you- you kinda used your toy collection on me.” Hyungwon forced it all out in one breath and squeezed his eyes shut, hoping to avoid a possibly disgusted facial expression as Hoseok most definitely considered him freaky for dreaming shit like that.   
  
“I- really want to play with you, I’d love to, if you'd let me.” Hoseok’s voice was quiet right next to his ear, blowing hot air against its shell. A shiver passed over Hyungwon’s back, centering in his groin and remaining there as if that’s where it belonged.

Chewing on his lower lip, he looked up, meeting Hoseok’s dark gaze and feeling a little self-conscious about having most of his knowledge from watching crazy ass videos and at the same time being unable to appear confident throughout the whole thing. He drew a deep breath through his nose.

“P-play with me,” he whispered, lips barely moving as he couldn’t look away from the way Hoseok’s pupils rearranged.   
  
It was a little scary how Hoseok’s eyes changed while he licked over his lips and let them spread in a grin. Hyungwon knew that there wouldn’t be any warning, so he wasn’t as surprised when the other man simply stood up, carrying him to his bedroom and locking the door behind himself, everything with him hanging on him like a koala.   
  
“I feel like I’m starving and you’re offering me a five star meal, I’m not going to decline, Hyungwon, my inhibitions are not enough for that,” Hoseok groaned and dropped him on the soft bed, crawling on top of him immediately.

Hyungwon gasped, eyes remaining wide and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, dipping a little under the t-shirt the other man was wearing. The blonde had such beautiful skin, he couldn’t help running his fingers along it.

“H-help yourself then,” he whispered and pressed their lips together, closing his eyes to focus on the sensation in his chest. It was still the same, pleasant warmth spreading out and engulfing him whole.  
  
Hoseok’s hands were fast, pulling his sweatshirt up and over his head as his lips attached to his skin immediately. The other man was worshipping his body, as if it was something special and something desirable. It didn’t take long before Hoseok had taken everything off him, leaving him naked and vulnerable.   
  
“Shit, you’re so fucking gorgeous, I missed you so much, fuck,” he murmured and took his right thigh, placing kisses and tender licks over his skin, biting into it right after.

It was a little overwhelming as Hyungwon breathed through his mouth, hearing how his own breaths echoed off the walls and made the situation so much more real. The picture in front of his eyes just didn’t fit with his fears, with the thought that Hoseok would leave him and choose the better version of him, Kyungwon.

“Why- why do you like me so much?” he whispered, overwhelmed that Hoseok would be so infatuated with him, willing to kiss his skin and be so close, even without immediate gratification.   
  
“There seems to be some confusion, that’s why you also asked why I am so affectionate yesterday, right? But I told you, I just want to be close to you, I want to make you happy and I love you. Why? Because you make me happy too, you sincerely like me for who I am, even though I’m fucked in the head. You are adorable, smart and sensitive, caring and thoughtful, I really love that. You’re amazing, Hyungwon.” Hoseok finished and took his shirt off, pale skin on display.

_ He really loves you, how the fuck did you deserve this, Hyungwon? _

He didn’t know, but he also couldn’t get himself to let go, curling his fingers around the other man’s arms and pulling him closer, lips instantly attaching to the pale, uncovered skin, licking and biting along it. 

“I love you too- so much- I- I don’t even know what to say, Hoseok. Thank you.” His eyes burned a little, but that was stupid, he was happy after all. Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Hyungwon attached his lips to the blonde’s nipple, sucking on it and hoping to drown his head in the beautiful sounds he knew Hoseok was able to produce.   
  
“Just be open and honest with me, that’s all I need,” Hoseok muttered and let out a beautiful hiss. “So, do you still want me to play with you?” the other man moaned into his ear, shifting his clothed hips on top of him.

_ He wants you to be honest, but you can’t. You promised to let Kyungwon tell him by himself. _

Letting go of Hoseok’s nipple and biting down on his lower lip, he nodded, glancing up to meet the blonde’s dark eyes.

“W-will Kihyun come home a-anytime soon?” he couldn’t help asking as he heard an unfamiliar noise behind the door. It was probably just something falling down from a shelf, but his body still jerked.   
  
“Nope, he is working until seven. And after that he’s at the library. Most definitely.” Hoseok smiled and licked over his index finger slowly, letting it circle around his nipple right after.

Hyungwon watched the action intently as his lips parted in a quiet moan, body reacting to the sensation as goosebumps spread along his legs. The way Hoseok treated him was mind-blowing, like a treasure.   
  
“You don’t need to get ready? Because I’ll just start, you have to stop me,” Hoseok whispered and grinned, eyeing his shelf.

_ Oh god, you idiot, stop getting distracted. _

“W-what, yes- I mean no- I’m not ready I’ll- just-” Hyungwon panicked a little and jumped up, crawling down from the bed while being naked and feeling really embarrassed as he had to unlock the door and disappeared into the hallway, genuinely hoping that Kihyun wouldn’t randomly decide to come home after all. He really couldn’t bear anybody else seeing him naked at this point.

He tried to be fast, getting familiar with the way the water and the temperature worked and cleaning up while smelling Hoseok’s shampoo and shower gel like a creep. It was really nice, reminding him of the way the blonde’s skin tasted.

Once he was done he dried himself and placed the towel into a basket under the sink, assuming that to be the laundry. As his eyes moved up they met his own reflection, staring at him through the big mirror above the sink. His breath got stuck in his throat as he stared, unfamiliar with the sensation as he had avoided it for the past one and a half years.

_ You look like Kyungwon. _

The realization was sudden, eyes jumping from his messy and way too long hair over his gigantic brown eyes, small nose to his plump lips, taking up most of his face.

_ You looked a little less alike back then. _

If he would have been asked what exactly was different about their faces Hyungwon wasn’t sure he would be able to answer at this point. It had been easier before, back when he had gotten worse and barely survived looking inside the mirror. He had looked less healthy, more pale and definitely more tired. Now he had blush on his cheeks due to the hot shower and the fact that he was about to be close to the man he was in love with. It felt strange somehow, like he wasn’t really looking at himself, but his brother instead. 

He was...beautiful somehow.

_ Maybe you can finally bear your reflection, Hyungwon. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 25th of August at 2 AM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
>   
> 

Hoseok was so happy when he had jumped out of the shower and opened the door. Hyungwon coming over by himself had been a huge thing, just that he didn’t come by himself but was brought by Kyungwon. He couldn’t help but feel thankful for the other man to make sure Hyungwon rang the bell.   
  
_ You’re able to see him like this. _ __  
__  
They talked and his boyfriend had seemed as if something had been bothering him. Just like the day before, but he was acting shy again, blushing and stuttering and Hoseok loved it so much. It just made Hyungwon seem much less manipulative in comparison to other people. It was as if he wasn’t able to do anything about it, which made it authentic.   
  
_ But then he didn’t yesterday, maybe it depends on his level of confidence. _ __  
__  
He wanted to have a talk but it somehow escalated into Hyungwon telling him about his dream and transitioning into a prominent wish to make the other man shiver from pleasure and scream his name.   
  
_ You’re hopeless, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
He kind of was. Sitting in his bedroom after preparing the stuff he wanted to use and contemplating whether it was okay to talk only during ten percent of the time they had spent together in the past two days. He reacted so much to Hyungwon sexually that it had been a struggle and they still didn’t have proper sex.   
  
_ You are so fucking greedy, Hoseok. You already got a blowjob yesterday, why are you complaining? _ __  
__  
He really hadn’t been in the position to complain, especially after the door opened and Hyungwon walked in, beautifully naked with drops still littering his golden skin and a shy smile on his lips. He seemed a little hesitant but strangely cheerful, unable to hide the way the corners of his mouth remained lifted upwards as he chewed on his bottom lip and walked towards the bed carefully. The tall man kept his fingers intertwined in front of him, like he wasn’t quite sure where to put them.

Stopping in front of the bed the big, brown eyes finally met his.

“W-what would you like me to do?”   
  
Hyungwon was absolutely gorgeous and Hoseok thought about simply hugging the other man for hours, naked and overwhelmed by his feelings.   
  
“You are absolutely stunning, Hyungwon. I wish you would know that. Oh my god.” He licked over his lips and let his gaze slide over the other man’s long and lean body. Hyungwon must’ve gained a little more weight since the first time they had met, he looked healthy and beautiful.

“I think- I think I might begin to have a little t-taste of that,” the tall man whispered and sounded in wonder, like he had experienced something he couldn’t quite believe yet. “T-touch me, Hoseok, I really want you to.”   
  
“I’d really love you to see yourself through my eyes, but let me hear you moan because I’m starving as you didn’t let me touch you yesterday,” he murmured and placed a kiss on Hyungwon’s lower stomach. “Lay down, I’ll do the rest.”

He couldn’t help how his smile turned into a grin from what he was expecting to happen as soon as he started making Hyungwon feel really good.

The blushing man nodded as he climbed on top of the bed, crawling a little further on all fours, blessing Hoseok with the sight until he turned around and sat down on the soft sheets, hands resting on his sides and teeth nibbling on the red lips without a break.   
  
“We will be using some technology today.” He smiled and got rid of his own pants, sure that he wouldn’t accidentally fuck Hyungwon because the other man would be busy moaning and shivering. “But first I want to have my promise.” Hoseok took the other man’s lean legs and pulled him such that he was lying flat on his back. Bending the beautiful man, he crawled in between his pretty thighs and licked over his entrance.

“Oh fuck-” Hyungwon cursed and threw his head back, one arm immediately covering the beautiful big eyes like the other man felt embarrassed and prefered to hide his face. The other hand curled into the sheets although Hoseok hadn’t even done anything yet.   
  
“Shit, it will be the sequel of me trying not to fuck you, because you’re so fucking gorgeous, damn it,” Hoseok murmured and let his wet tongue taste the other man, placing kisses around his entrance and teasing him.

“It’s- it’s so crazy because- because actually I- I shouldn’t be r-reacting so intensely, after all you’re- you’re just touching the r-rim, but-” The gorgeous man visibly struggled with talking, gasping in between each word and lean muscles in his legs tensing with each lick. Hoseok couldn’t see him but he was pretty sure that black hair was already rubbing over his pillow, head thrown from one side to the other.   
  
“Whatever you say, babe,” Hoseok answered and grabbed Hyungwon’s hips tightly, pushing his tongue inside the other man’s body and enjoying how his muscles tensed and shivered because of his touch.

“Shit- Hoseok- you- you m-make me want things,” the low voice groaned as Hyungwon threw his legs over Hoseok’s shoulders and pushed into his back with his heels, most likely not on purpose but rather reacting to the way it felt, wishing for more.   
  
Hoseok had almost forgotten how gratifying being close to Hyungwon was, the other reacted with an unknown sensitivity and loved basically everything Hoseok gave him. He also wanted things.   
  
“You want things? What do you want?” he asked and continued, making sure Hyungwon liked what he was doing. He loved the weight of Hyungwon’s thighs on his shoulders and couldn’t wait to bite into the firm flesh.

“You- I w-want you,” the beautiful man moaned and arched his back, visibly drowning in the way Hoseok’s tongue felt inside of him, squirming a little.   
  
“How do you want me, babe?” Hoseok sped up, loving the way Hyungwon reacted and pulled the other man’s hips closer to his face.

“I-inside,” Hyungwon gasped, barely keeping himself in check with how he reached for Hoseok’s hair, pulling at it a little as loud moans kept leaving the plump lips, echoing through his bedroom. He was gorgeous.   
  
“Mhm, we will do that, I will give you my fingers and then we will test out how much you can take with a toy that is not quite my size, but enough to see whether you like it, okay?” Hoseok let Hyungwon’s lower body go and removed his tight grip on his slim hips, watching out for the other man’s reaction.

The black-haired man was breathing heavily, looking a little out of it as he lifted his head and focused his eyes on Hoseok. It took a few seconds until the brown orbs only got bigger and a slow nod followed.

“I- I can take it,” he whispered before biting down on his lips and staring at the way he lay on the bed, spread-legged.   
  
“Fuck, you will fuck me up. You’re such a good boy, who would’ve thought,” Hoseok murmured, hating his dick for being hard and throbbing and grabbed the lube, coating his fingers and circling them around Hyungwon’s entrance.

“I- I like being g-good for you,” the pretty man below him whispered and smiled a little before his lips parted in anticipation and he held his breath, trying to relax his muscles.   
  
_ Well, he did fight yesterday, but it was kinda hot too. _ __  
__  
He leaned down and took the tip of Hyungwon’s erection into his mouth and sucked on it, sliding a finger inside him smoothly. It was easy with the preparation beforehand so he added another immediately while digging his tongue into the slit.

“Shit- shit- shit,” Hyungwon muttered as his hips jerked forward, trying to feel more of his tongue until he seemed to change his mind and his pattern, meeting the motion of his fingers instead, loud moan leaving the plump lips as soon as Hoseok curled them. “Oh my god.”   
  
“Fuck, you look so pretty with your legs spread and moaning, makes me want to fuck you up so badly.” Hoseok should’ve just shut up, so he did, sucking the other man’s erection into his mouth instead while pumping his fingers in and out of Hyungwon’s body.

A deep groan left the other, almost resembling a scream as the black-haired man pushed against Hoseok’s fingers and lifted his own hand towards his pretty face. He bit down on his index and middle finger, probably attempting to quieten down as he spread his legs even further.   
  
“You can’t muffle any of it, it’s all for me so you better let me hear it all,” Hoseok groaned and pushed a third finger in while deepthroating Hyungwon once. He couldn’t really do a lot because he still wanted the other man to have fun.

“Fuck-” the black-haired man cursed and threw both his arms above his head, looking so fucking vulnerable as he stared at Hoseok with half-lidded eyes. “F-fuck me up then.”   
  
Hoseok let his fingers slip out of Hyungwon’s body and prepared the elegant black prostate vibrator he had wanted to use, lubing it sufficiently and placing the remote next to himself.   
  
_ This is going to be a lot of fun. _ __  
__  
“Wait for it,” Hoseok commented and sucked the tip of his erection into his mouth once again, pushing the toy inside Hyungwon slowly. He could feel the other man tense automatically, probably because it was a little more than he was used to, thighs pushing together a little and breath getting stuck in the other man’s lungs.

“Holy shit,” the slim man hissed as his eyes widened and he bit down on his lower lip, arms remaining in place above his head. __  
  
He deepthroated him and bridged the rest, letting him go.   
  
“How does it feel? I heard it’s better when it’s warm, thick and veiny.” Hoseok grinned and placed small kisses on Hyungwon’s inner thighs and lower stomach.

“It- oh god-” He could hear how the other man swallowed and visibly tried to collect his composure to talk. “It’s- kinda f-full. It- it also f-feels kinda good when I s-shift, fuck.” Hyungwon moved his hips a tiny bit as a moan left him almost instantly.   
  
“Tell me when you’re ready for the fun part.” He chuckled and grabbed the remote. “I really want you to fuck my mouth, because it will be super fun as you won’t be able to hold back,” Hoseok commented and sat down next to the beautiful man, leaning his back against the headboard.

Hyungwon was still looking at him, breathing irregularly and closing his eyes once in awhile, like he felt a little overwhelmed. After approximately a minute the other reached out and stroked over Hoseok’s thigh, as if to gain his attention, big eyes glancing at the sheets instead of at him.

“I- I’m r-ready.”   
  
“Then climb up and give me what I want.” He licked over his lips slowly and adjusted the position, such that he was at the right height.

The beautiful man moved instantly, crawling over him and placing both of his big hands on the headboard before licking over his lips and curling his left hand around his own erection, using it to line up with Hoseok’s lips. He seemed really shy, face a beautiful pink color, fitting to the blood red lips. Hoseok loved it. So much.   
  
Opening his mouth he stretched out his tongue and looked up, knowing exactly what kind of effect it had.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he gasped, sliding his tip over Hoseok’s tongue before moving in slowly, careful despite the way he closed his eyes and moaned, enjoying the sensation.

“I- I don’t think I’ll hold on for l-long like this,” the other man whispered. Hoseok wanted to laugh but his mouth was busy, so he flattened his tongue and clicked on the remote, grabbing Hyungwon’s buttcheeks right after. It had been a good idea as the slim body above him convulsed and Hyungwon screamed, almost falling to the side and scratching over the headboard and partially over Hoseok’s shoulder.

“Oh g-god- holy shit,” he panted, eyes wide and barely keeping himself in place. Hoseok enjoyed it so much, sinking his fingers into the firm butt and giving the vibrations more intensity while sucking on Hyungwon’s length. He let go for a second.   
  
“Fuck my mouth, Hyungwon, do it,” he commanded before taking the firm erection back.   
  
_ It should be more fun when he moves too. _

“I-” Hyungwon began but stopped instantly, shaking a little and nodding furiously as he moved his hips forward, a little jittery and rough, not having the resources to pay attention to what he was doing. The constant vibrations made him shake and scream, forcing the beautiful man to throw his head back with parted lips. Hoseok would have orgasmed from the sight alone, it was simply gorgeous. Rough and shaky was fine with him and he simply tightened his lips some more, accompanying Hyungwon’s thrusts with his grip on the other man’s ass. It was getting more fun so Hoseok tapped on the sheets until he had found the small remote and switched to the next level.

“F-fuck,” Hyungwon moaned and apparently gave up holding his own head up, leaning it against the wall while still moving his hips in and out of Hoseok’s mouth, screaming repeatedly in between. “P-please, Hoseok.” He sounded so fucking desperate, lips remaining parted and not restraining any of the arousing sounds that developed in his chest. Hoseok simply hummed in agreement, relaxing his throat and letting Hyungwon have all the fun he deserved.

It was easy to tell when the gorgeous man was close, whole body tensing up and breaths increasing in speed until he held his breath and grasped onto Hoseok’s hair painfully, shuddering and screaming loudly as he released himself deep inside Hoseok’s throat. A few more seconds passed until the slim body simply gave out, falling to the side on top of the sheets. Hoseok managed to turn off the vibrator and lick the other man’s release from his lips before turning to Hyungwon and pulling the other man on top of himself such that Hyungwon's long body was lying flat on top of his. He looked so beautiful, fucked out and sweaty.

“C-can-” Hyungwon began but his voice was so rough and breathy from screaming so much that the black-haired man barely got the sounds out. “C-can you t-take it out? I’m- I’m t-too sensitive.”

“Sure, relax.” He reached behind Hyungwon and pulled the toy out as soon as he heard Hyungwon exhale.

“Oh my god,” the other man hissed before whimpering a little, probably not used to the sensation. “Oh god- I feel so dizzy- I’m k-kinda relieved your dick won’t vibrate.” Suddenly the beautiful brown eyes widened, as if Hyungwon became aware of what he was saying. His big palm quickly reached up and covered half of his pretty face. “Fuck- w-what am I even s-saying.”

“It won't vibrate, babe.” Hoseok couldn't contain a giggle and removed the other man's hands, kissing his pretty lips right after. “You were not holding back, I loved it,” he commented with a grin.

“I- I didn’t really have the brain power for that,” Hyungwon murmured, closing his eyes as his chest still rose and fell quickly, recovering from the intense orgasm. “My brain just t-turns off, completely. A-are you okay?”

“I am, I loved it,” he said and stroked over the other man's black hair that had been sticking to his forehead. “Did you like it?”

It was adorable how Hyungwon nodded furiously and licked over his plump lips, placing both of his elbows next to Hoseok’s head, resting his weight on them.

“B-but now it’s your turn, isn’t it?” he asked carefully and shifted his hips on top of Hoseok’s, brushing against his painfully hard erection.

“What's with the turns, actually I just received what you promised me yesterday, only better, “ Hoseok murmured and hissed at the friction. Sure he wanted to get rid of the tension, but he couldn't help staring into Hyungwon's beautiful face, unsure how he came to enjoy another person's proximity so much after suffering from emotional loneliness for such a long time. 

_ It's because it's him. _

_  
  


The days were similar, he had to study and to work once a week. Suddenly the time seemed infinite, even with the stuff his mother forced him to do. All the days had one thing in common, he missed Hyungwon. Always. It was as if he had removed the filter from his emotional abilities, directing all his love and affection towards the black-haired man. 

He had just come back from his lecture and threw his backpack on the chair next to his desk, taking off his shirt and exchanging it for a white tank top because it was fucking hot. The jeans had to go too, making room for a pair of black sweatpants that were loose on his hips, because they were his only ones and a little old. 

Hoseok was about to pour boiling water into a cup with instant coffee when the bell rang and he ran to the door, before opening it with a smooth movement.

He was met with pretty, brown eyes and plump lips that were spread in a slight smile. Hyungwon was wearing a loose button-down and blue jeans, relatively light for his usual, dark look but it was way too hot to be wearing anything black.

“I didn't know you were coming, and your brother also didn't press the bell for you,” Hoseok said and pulled the other man into the apartment, curling his arms around him and pulling him into a kiss. Hyungwon yelped shortly, like he hadn’t expected to just be pulled inside without being able to say anything. The black-haired man placed his palms flat against his chest and kissed back, pushing a little.

“I missed you,” he whispered against the other man's plump, parted lips and licked into his mouth.

“I doubt that very much,” the other replied with a whisper and stared at his eyes, nibbling on his bottom lip tentatively.

_ Why would he doubt that? _

“Why? Don't tell me you didn't miss me.” Hoseok was confident there, the way Hyungwon stayed in his arms as if he belonged there was enough of a sign.

“I did,” was the calm reply as the hands on his chest slid upwards, rubbing over his shoulders and circling his neck. “How have you been?”

“Fine, just came from the lecture and wanted to make coffee, do you also want one?” Hoseok brushed a loose strand behind the handsome man's curled ear and placed another kiss on his plump lips.

“Yeah, sure. What kind of lecture was it?” Hyungwon asked and moved out of his embrace, glancing around and following him to the kitchen.

“Medical chemistry. Formulas and all that buzz. How have you been?” It felt a little strange because Hyungwon had never asked about his studies before.

“Quite alright, mostly the usual I would say, going to lectures, doing errands, worrying,” the black-haired man elaborated as he stretched out his index finger and let it run over the countertop, very similar to the way Kihyun did it if he suspected it to be dirty. Satisfied with the result, Hyungwon used his arms to pull himself on top of the counter, watching Hoseok intently.

_ Going to lectures? Since when is Hyungwon going to lectures? _

He thought again, why would Hyungwon be doing errands? It was dumb but it just didn't make sense inside his head.

“I'm confused. Since when are you going to lectures?” he asked and poured coffee into the second cup.

Stretching out his hand to accept it, Hyungwon licked over his lips and hesitated a little, gaze moving from Hoseok’s legs back upwards until they rested on his face again.

“Since I started studying. That’s what lectures are for, aren’t they? At least mostly. Of course there is the really useless stuff that just steals your time, but some are pretty helpful. I’m sure you know that even better than I do,” the tall man replied as his long fingers curled around the cup, brushing Hoseok’s. Inhaling the scent of coffee, Hyungwon’s plump lips pulled into a thin line before taking a very careful sip.

He let his gaze move from the other man's jeans to his face, staring at it until the realization hit him like a brick and he almost dropped the fucking cup.

_ It's not Hyungwon, you fucking idiot. It's his twin brother. Fuck. _

“Fuck,” Hoseok managed to say before biting down on his bottom lip painfully.

Kyungwon flinched a little at that, uncharacteristically, before appearing minimally uncomfortable, pulling his plump lips to the side and examining Hoseok quietly.

_ You jumped him, oh god. _

“Fuck, I'm sorry, Kyungwon. Oh god, I seriously couldn't tell you apart, you should've kicked me or something.” Hoseok tried to do damage control, but it was kinda strange.

“Don’t worry about it, I should have done something but-” Kyungwon licked over his lips and took another careful sip from his coffee cup, glancing up again right after. “It’s kinda hard not to react, so...sorry about that.”

_ You also made out with this dude at the party until you realized what the fuck was going on. _

“Yes, I know. I'm still sorry, I should've realized. Don't you have something like a signature mole or something?” He chuckled, hoping that the scary feeling would go away. 

“You really wanna know?” Kyungwon asked with a smile and crossed his legs on the counter, moving a little further backwards so as to not have his feet touch the ground. The other man had legs for days. Just like Hyungwon.

“Mhm, I do, I think it's interesting because I didn't notice although you’re two different people.” It was frustrating, he just kept staring at the man on his counter, but he kept looking like Hyungwon.

“Well, we are identical so that makes it kinda hard. I can tell you that our mom couldn’t tell us apart unless she saw Hyungwon’s scars, but she’s not really the best example for an attentive and caring person.” Kyungwon laughed shortly and took another sip from the small cup. “Don’t you think it also has something to do with expectations? You probably expected Hyungwon, so you were ready to accept all kinds of things that didn’t fit into the scheme, like my clothes or the fact that I don’t stutter.”

“Well, it’s not that easy. Hyungwon has a lot of different moods and sometimes he also doesn't stutter, I've met him in the club once and thought that it was you, well, as I said, there's only time and behaviour I guess.” He took a big sip of his coffee and lifted himself up on both arms effortlessly, sitting down on top of the counter next to Kyungwon.

“Seeing him at the club is rare, so I see your point there. He doesn’t stutter when he says self-deprecating things, well, and obviously he doesn’t stutter in front of me unless I make him flustered. You should actually be a stutter paradise.” A smile appeared on Kyungwon’s face and he moved a little closer, hitting his coffee cup against Hoseok’s jokingly. “How do you deal with all the shit that seems to be coming your way? Hyungwon said your parents are basically making cinderella out of you without the prince and fairy godmother.”

Hoseok laughed before taking another sip of his coffee.

“It's okay, you said your mom is not the best example for an attentive person, well, my mom is super attentive, just not towards me.” He chuckled and glanced to the ceiling. “It'll be okay, I guess, I just have to see for myself how and under what circumstances I want to live. I kind of neglected that over the past four years.”

The black-haired man hummed at that, placing his empty cup next to himself and changing the leg that he crossed over the other, making his jeans tighten on his thighs.

“Four years is a pretty long time to not care about what you actually want for yourself. I can tell you that moving away and living as far away as possible already helps a great deal. I mean- sure they are still your parents but distance gives perspective, not only for yourself but also for them.” Kyungwon sighed and brushed a hand through his hair, pushing his bangs back and revealing his forehead. “Hyungwon has enough to deal with so I make sure his interactions with mom and dad stay as minimal as possible, but of course that shit still stays somewhere. Currently I’m just happy that they are far away.”

_ That must be much worse than for you. _

“I know, it's not only about my parents, it's my lifestyle in general that I have to work on, but it's strange to do it after four years and I don't really have experience, but it's better than nothing. I wouldn't have offered you the instant coffee if I had realized that it was you.” Hoseok grinned and couldn't help the stare. They just looked the same.

“Ah, don’t worry about that, I’m just spoiled.” Kyungwon grinned back and slapped his thigh before taking Hoseok’s cup and downing it as if to prove a point. “Coffee is doing its job as long as I don’t fall asleep during international business lectures.” Placing Hoseok’s empty cup right next to his, the black-haired man turned to him, expression thoughtful. “But what do you mean with lifestyle? Cinderella lifestyle? Are you making yourself everybody’s hoe, Hoseok?”

_ Are you? _

“Depends. I mean, I’ve already changed a lot because of Hyungwon, I didn't consider relationships and also didn't get closer to people. I mean- we've met before, you and I, so, that kind of lifestyle. Also working, studying and keeping myself busy at all times, it's straining. So, yeah, the Cinderella lifestyle as you say, handsome boy.” Hoseok couldn't help the innuendo, there was something about the way Kyungwon talked that made him loosen up.

“Thanks, you’re no less handsome,” the black-haired man commented with a smile and gestured loosely along Hoseok’s body. “But you’re basically saying that you had my lifestyle apart from being Cinderella. I wouldn’t consider myself a ‘yes’ man, for that I tell people to go fuck themselves too often.”

_ He's life goals. _

“Exemplary. I only tell people to go fuck themselves if I'm not emotionally involved. Which is why I don't get involved, so it's easy.” Kyungwon was listening with a very similar expression on his face, just like the one Hyungwon had when he was attentive. This shit was hard.

“I’m not sure I would call it exemplary. Telling people to go fuck themselves isn’t the best way to find friends, is it? There is only a limited amount of time that one can take people that hang around because you are able to buy them booze.” Kyungwon chuckled and leaned back on his arms, glancing up at the ceiling and switching the leg he crossed again. Taking a deep breath, he returned his gaze to Hoseok’s, grinning. “But if we want to talk about something a little less depressing, you could share your workout secret with me. How does one get such thighs, Mister?”

_ He's lonely too. _

“You're really good at acting unbothered, wow, your skills are no joke. My thighs?” He looked down on himself and slapped his right thigh. “Deadlifts with 110kg. It's almost as if I'd let you sit on the one side of the weights and Hyungwon on the other,” Hoseok commented and smiled brightly, suppressing a laugh.

Kyungwon cracked up at that, leaning forward as he laughed before returning to an upright position, mouth turning big. Hyungwon would have tried to cover it.

“It’d be unbalanced. He weighs less than me,” the black-haired man remarked. “‘Cause I work out, but bitch, 110kg is no fucking joke, impressive.” The big eyes narrowed suddenly as Kyungwon leaned in. “Teach me your ways, senpai.”

Hoseok almost got a heart attack. The black-haired man looked like Hyungwon and he came closer so he almost leaned in too.

_ He probably realized, fuck. _

“You'll break,” he muttered and closed his eyes briefly.

“I don’t break as easily as I look,” Kyungwon whispered while watching him intently. “Struggling?”

“Yeah.” He jumped down from the counter and took both cups to the sink, washing them out and trying to concentrate. Kyungwon merely hummed as he watched him, uncrossing his legs and spreading them comfortably instead. There were rips on his inner thighs, moving along the whole length.

“You’re really easy-going, Hoseok, I like that.” A smile spread the plump lips as the tall man leaned forward on the countertop, placing both palms between his legs and using them as a pillar. “And a good kisser.”

_ Oh for fuck’s sake. _

“You're also easy going, you were the only person who climbed over a fucking table to kiss me. Thank you for that. You're a good kisser too.” The problem was mainly his bodily response, especially when Kyungwon didn't say anything or looked in thought. He was Hyungwon then and Hoseok’s body wasn't able to differentiate.

Kyungwon chuckled lowly at the comment, smiling at him and tilting his head a little as he followed his random motions in the kitchen with his eyes.

“Well, you kinda wanted to shut me up and that seemed like a nice way to do so. In addition, you were hot.” A grin spread the plump lips as the black-haired man exhaled. “You are hot.”

Hoseok was able to deal with a lot of things, but his boyfriend’s doppelganger telling him that he was hot while sitting spread legged on his kitchen counter was not one of those things.

“I mean, you know what I think about Hyungwon and you both look the same, so, please apply all the compliments to yourself,” he murmured and focused his gaze on the other man. “Can I offer you anything else?”

“Nothing you’re willing to give,” Kyungwon remarked with a wink and jumped down from the counter with a smooth motion, walking towards Hoseok until he stood right in front of him, towering a few centimeters above his head. “You asked if there is anything that differentiates us, right?”

Hoseok couldn't suppress a hiss and the way his lips parted at the sudden proximity. He nodded briefly. 

Kyungwon licked over his lips as he reached for Hoseok’s hand and used it to slide up his own lean thigh until it arrived at his hip bone.

“I had an accident, so my hip bone structure is different, but you’d have to touch to figure it out,” the black-haired man whispered, as he kept Hoseok’s hand in place, stepping a little closer.

He swallowed, but decided to not make it more awkward by acting crazy and touched Kyungwon’s hip, stroking over it to feel the difference in structure the other man was talking about.

“Can you tell, Hoseok?” the tall man whispered, probably due to their proximity. The kitchen echoed and it seemed weird to talk normally whilst being that close.

He repeated the motion and felt how there was a sharp corner one couldn't see but could trace. Hyungwon didn't have it.

“What kind of accident was that?” Hoseok whispered back.

“I’m a reckless piece of shit. Motorcycle accident, but I don’t really ride since then ‘cause I’m not that much of an idiot,” Kyungwon replied, long fingers still remaining curled around Hoseok’s wrist.

Somehow it had been much easier to tell both men apart before.

“Good that it turned out well. I'm not reckless, I'm just a coward.” Hoseok smiled and removed his hand slowly. “You even smell similar.”

“My shampoo is fancier,“ Kyungwon remarked with a chuckle while staring down at him with big eyes, taking up most of his face. “But yeah- even our dicks basically look the same.”

_ What? _

“Wow, that was surely information I've always needed to know, fuck my life,” Hoseok muttered before glancing up to the ceiling. “But your personalities are so different.”

“Listen- I'm confident, I gotta promote myself and not telling you that you missed out on something amazing would just be out of character,” the other man said with a laugh and placed his elbow on Hoseok’s shoulder, using him as an armrest. “But I do see your point, Hyungwon is a shy bean.”

“He is. What is he up to? He didn't answer so I thought it was him coming and, yeah I'm sorry again.” Hoseok remembered how he greeted his guest and almost facepalmed.

Kyungwon smiled before winking shortly.

“I wholeheartedly enjoyed that, so you don't need to apologise. You might consider establishing it as a new greeting ritual. Concerning Hyungwon, I'm not quite sure myself, the last time he wasn't there when I went over which is probably a good thing. He struggles answering messages though and sometimes sees them two days later, so don't be upset, I'm sure he's fine and misses you and feels sad about being unable to see you, same as every fucking time.”

Hoseok missed him too and he really wanted to touch him and kiss him and Kyungwon just stood there looking like him so he just reached out and brushed a loose strand behind the other man's curled ear, realizing in the middle what the fuck he had actually been doing.

The other man's eyes widened in surprise, making him appear even more like Hyungwon with how it changed his facial expression. A few seconds passed until Kyungwon just suddenly grabbed his collar and clashed their lips together.

His body reacted immediately, kissing back and curling an arm around the equally slim waist. He didn't know how much time passed until a thought materialized inside his head.

_ It's not Hyungwon. Hoseok, it's not him, you idiot. _

He broke the kiss and stared at the man in front of him who looked exactly like the person whom he loved.

“This time it's my turn to say sorry,” Kyungwon began and looked a little uncomfortable, shifting the leg he was standing on and curling one arm around his own waist. “I kinda hate not being the one to initiate, so this is my way of returning balance, in addition, you kinda threw me off by touching me. Still, sorry.”

_ What a mess. _

He closed his eyes briefly and sucked in a breath.

“It's okay, it's just so messy in my head with your images and it just intertwined, I'm sorry, I should just look at the cupboard instead,” he murmured and grinned, trying to break the tension. Somehow.

“Please don't, that'd be bad for my ego,” Kyungwon remarked with an equally bright grin and looked towards the shoe rack until he suddenly chuckled. “I wanted to look for my shoes until I remembered that I didn't take them off because you kinda pulled me into the apartment like into a cave, medieval, Hoseok, very medieval.”

“Oh god, I'm really sorry for everything, I'll atone for my sins, I swear.” He focused his gaze on the other man's face and narrowed his eyes. “But Hyungwon didn't tell you anything about me fucking you instead of him because you're pretty and all this bullshit, right?” Hoseok was a little paranoid after the time at the party.

“Wait, what?” Kyungwon seemed absolutely shocked, staring at him with wide eyes. “Fuck, did he say that? When? Was it recently?”

_ So he didn't. Thank God. _

“Couple of weeks ago, but it's good if he didn't.”

The other man appeared relieved as he stepped towards the door and curled his hands around the handle, preparing to leave.

“You know, instead of apologizing and atoning for your sins or whatever, I'd prefer it if you just wouldn't let people ride you and your resources like a fucking train. That shit is precious, Hoseok, gotta treasure it.” Opening the door Kyungwon stepped out, blowing him a kiss before walking to his Porsche that was parked right in front of Hoseok’s door.   
  
It was a fucking mess. His brain had known that both men were different people with different personalities, but the visual input and the similarities they had, threw him off, hereby making his body react and wanting to be close.   
  
_ It would’ve been easier if you weren’t so fucking in love with Hyungwon. _ __  
__  
But he was, and every little characteristic in Kyungwon that reminded him of Hyungwon added up to his perceptions and made it harder to handle the blunt man’s proximity.   
  
_ Just stay away from him, Hoseok. He’s not the person you’re in love with. Hyungwon is. _ __  
__  
  


***

 

“How was it?” Hyungwon murmured as he pulled the thick blanket further up on his chest and chewed his cheek, dreading the answer.

_ No matter how much better you are doing, you simply can't compare yourself to him. _

There was no reply, only a shuffling noise, resembling the sound of a bag falling to the ground, filled with heavy books, and the rustling of light fabric. Kyungwon was probably hanging up his jacket and slipping out of his shoes.

Waiting was always the worst. The time that passed between a question and the answer was like a time bomb, each quiet tick producing another negative thought inside his head, building up slowly until the truth didn't even matter anymore.

_ Just wait, he didn't even say anything yet. _

The door to his bedroom opened as his brother marched in, looking as handsome as always in a loose white shirt and blue jeans. The cuts on his inner thighs were gorgeous, showing a bit of smooth, perfect skin. Hyungwon would have never even dared to wear jeans like that.

“Has the turtle returned to its shell?” the black-haired man asked with a laugh and climbed on top of the sheets, pushing most of the heavy blanket to the side, thereby uncovering Hyungwon a little. “You're always like a parcel that needs to be unpacked.”

_ Hoseok said you're like a present. _

“How did he react?” Hyungwon tried again, biting down on his lower lip and examining his brother’s face carefully. He didn't look particularly guilty this time, so it couldn't have been as bad as he had thought.

“It was…” Kyungwon began but trailed off a little, like he wasn't too sure himself what he thought about it. “Different, let's say different.”

_ What does that even mean? _

Hyungwon just stared at the other man, waiting for an explanation as he pulled the blanket back up, all the way up to his chin.

“You're cute,” Kyungwon remarked and began unbuttoning his shirt, slipping it off his shoulders quickly. Once he was done, he threw the light fabric on one of the chairs in the corner of the room and began doing the same with his jeans. 

Hyungwon played with his hands under the blanket, trying not to stare too much and feel envious as usual. His brother was simply gorgeous and one had to be blind to think otherwise.

_ At least you have the same face, Hyungwon, that's something. _

Kyungwon seemed unaware of his internal conflict, undressing until he was only in tight Armani boxers and slipping under the thick blanket next to Hyungwon.

“This is actually hilarious, reminds me of our childhood,” the other said with a smile and turned towards Hyungwon, staring at him before he interlaced their long legs. 

_ You were equally shy, just less depressed back then. _

And he had been just as envious, wishing to be like Kyungwon who was successful at everything he attempted to do.

And everything he wished to have.

“I can understand why he likes you. You could never make Cinderella out of him, you're too convinced of your own faults.” His brother’s low voice sounded pleasant, but the words confused him a little.

_ He means Hoseok, doesn't he? _

“H-Hoseok? I don't want anybody to treat him like Cinderella,” he mumbled and remembered the way Hoseok always had to take care of unpleasant tasks for his family, even if he had to study for exams.

_ He actually has problems whereas you just don't have motivation and energy. _

“Of course you don't.” Kyungwon sighed and put an arm around his shoulders. The action instantly conjured a smile on Hyungwon's face. From the outside it might have looked like the black-haired man was taking care of him, calming him down, but it was the other way around. Kyungwon hated sleeping alone and needed body contact to feel at peace. It had always been like that since they were children.

_ Maybe because he had never really been alone, not until you moved out. _

“He's- he's really nice, Hyungwon. He genuinely cares, about you, about his friends and for some reason also about people he doesn't even know.” The other man sounded a little frustrated as he exhaled slowly and brushed his bangs back, keeping them away from his forehead. He didn't even have spots or anything, face like it was photoshopped.

“I know, he's like an angel.” Hyungwon smiled and pressed his face into Kyungwon shoulder, inhaling the fancy, fruity shampoo his brother liked so much.

It was quiet for a while, only their breaths sounding in the dark room.

“He's not, no one is really an angel and everything has good and bad sides, just like him. But he appears to be happy that he met you, talking about how you helped him change his lifestyle.” Kyungwon stroked over his hair, continuously saying all those nice things that made Hyungwon smile.

_ Because Hoseok still likes you even though the two of them met. _

“I just wish he'd be more of an asshole, this makes it hard. It was easier when he seemed to dislike me. I'm not sure what to do.”

Hyungwon didn't really know what the black-haired man was talking about but he nodded, assuming it must have been about Hoseok.

_ Who else? _

“W- what is hard? Do you- do you still wish to be me, Kyungwon?”

The thought was ridiculous, not understandable in any way apart from the image of Hoseok’s affection and touches that Hyungwon was always blessed with. However, the other man could have easily gotten touches and affection elsewhere. So why would Kyungwon want to be close to Hoseok? His brother never showed much interest in anybody for longer than a week.

There was an almost silent hum as the other’s lean arms tightened around him.

_ He does. _

Hyungwon didn't reply, unsure what to say. He hadn't known the first time and he didn't know now. There had never been anything that Kyungwon wanted but didn't get, not even once.

“I'm sorry,” the black-haired man whispered suddenly and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

“Why?” Hyungwon replied carefully, curling his arms around the other man in response.

“I couldn't tell him, it just didn't fit into the conversation. He talked about his previous lifestyle and how he wanted to change it and that it's hard and telling him that I pretended to be you just didn't fit in. Fuck- he even apologized for my mistakes, who the hell does that, Hyungwon?” Kyungwon talked vividly and fast, lips still close to his head and uttering the words like they weren't only meant for Hyungwon to hear, but also for his brother to reflect on. 

_ Hoseok still thinks that it was you. He thinks that you can do all that although you know nothing at all.  _

He swallowed, uncomfortable with the thought but couldn't get himself to blame Kyungwon. It must have been uncomfortable, Hyungwon hadn't even been the one who pretended but he had already felt horrible when Hoseok mentioned it, talking about the situation escalating. It must have been even worse for Kyungwon.

_ But Hoseok still loved you afterwards, telling you all those things he likes about you, things that only you have. _

The thought was calming, like it was able to keep him sane for a while longer, even if his brother was everything he wasn't.

Hyungwon wasn't even surprised that Hoseok had opened up to Kyungwon, his brother had that quality, quickly making people feel at ease despite his attractiveness and expensive looks.

_ Why would you deprive Hoseok of someone like that? _

Kyungwon must have been thinking about something, keeping quiet and exhaling slowly against the top of his head, it tickled a little.

“He misses you a lot, you should go, or write to him,” the low voice whispered suddenly, moving some of the strands on the top of his head in the opposite direction. “I know you can do it.”

_ Hoseok is suffering, isn't he? Only because you can't check a damn message or ring a fucking bell.  _

“I- I'll try, I'm just, I don't know- it's so hard.” Hyungwon exhaled and wondered when he had looked at his phone the last time. There had been so much to catch up on that he mostly forgot it even existed.

“I know, Hyungwon, I know. It's okay, just a thought.”

It was quiet again, but familiar, the way it had always been back then. Kyungwon didn't visit as often anymore but it was calm when he did.

_ But you still feel the safest when you're next to Hoseok. _

The thought returned a smile to his face, lips spreading against the warm skin of Kyungwon’s shoulder.

“You- you really love him, Hyungwon, don't you?”

The question was sudden. It sounded serious but instead of the usual intense gaze Kyungwon just gazed into the darkness, not watching his facial expressions at all.

_ He's uncomfortable. _

“Yeah,” he exhaled, stroking along the perfectly smooth upper arm.

“Hyungwon… do you think you would mind if we were friends, Hoseok and me?” Kyungwon’s voice was low, a little sleepy but each word was clear, interlaced with something that resembled worry.

_ But why would he worry? _

_ Because he knows what happens when he gets close to the people you like. _

Hoseok’s words returned to his head, commenting on Hyungwon having sucked him off although it hadn't even been him.

_ He lied to you, unwilling to share what really happened. _

How could Hyungwon be sure that the other man would tell him the truth about his friendship to his boyfriend?

_ He probably just felt too scared to upset you. _

Hyungwon bit his lip, painfully, hating himself for the wish to say no, too afraid that Hoseok would change his mind about him. It just seemed impossible that if he knew both of them to the fullest, he would still prefer Hyungwon.

_ Who are you to deprive Hoseok of someone like Kyungwon? _

He forced a smile, burying his face further into Kyungwon’s neck and humming in agreement. It was safer than speaking, chest hurting a little at the thought.

“Are you sure?” the other man asked carefully, like he didn't believe a word.

_ He knows you too well. _

Leaning back and grabbing the handsome face with his palms, he got as close as possible and stared, spreading his lips in a wide smile. 

“Sure, Kyungwon.”

He was a horrible liar.

_  
  


The black silk shirt with a ribbon below the collarbones felt unfamiliar on his skin, just like the tight pair of jeans that Kyungwon had convinced him to wear. Sure, it wouldn’t have been his first choice, but he agreed that his brother looked better in his chosen outfits than in what Hyungwon would have picked for the two of them.

It was shortly before 11PM, the usual time to go dancing and enjoy drinks while hanging out with friends or unfamiliar strangers. Hyungwon wasn’t too positive about it but he had promised Kyungwon to go with him as soon as he felt better, ready to see more than the white walls of his room.

_ And you’re doing really well recently. _

The most positive thing about the fact that the two of them were going out was that Hyungwon had been smart for once and wrote a short message to Hoseok, telling him that he would go out today and even told him where, pointing out that he could join if he liked.

_ Last time he was hurt when you went with Minhyuk and Hyunwoo and didn’t tell him. He even thought that you were Kyungwon. _

Swallowing uncomfortably, Hyungwon decided not to think about the fact that he had cried on his knees back then, being disgustingly embarrassing and a depressed mess.

“Thank god we cut your hair,” Kyungwon remarked and brushed his gel-covered hands through Hyungwon’s messy strands, styling them upwards in the same way he had styled his own. Hyungwon felt doubtful about uncovering his forehead but the other man looked gorgeous doing so, so he simply hoped that it applied to him as well.

_ Just remember the time you looked into Hoseok’s mirror. You were pretty then. _

“Do you- do you think he’ll consider me handsome?” he asked quietly, staring at his hands and trying to pull the thin fabric of the shirt further down, hiding more of his wrists. It was a stupid question because the answer was always the same, but he wanted to hear it.

“You look amazing, Hyungwon, so stop ruining the shirt by tugging on it and let’s go. You won’t blush too much either because of the bb cream.” Kyungwon grinned, pointing at his face that had a pretty, equal tone.

_ But Hoseok likes it when you blush. _

He brushed over his cheeks carefully, hoping it removed a tiny bit of the cream, but not enough for Kyungwon to laugh at him. Maybe the other wouldn’t have laughed but it still seemed embarrassing to remove covering make-up just because his boyfriend said he’s pretty when he’s shy.

While Kyungwon was busy with his shoes, an elegant pair of oxfords, Hyungwon couldn’t help but watch him, paying attention to his motions and his facial expressions. Something had been up recently but he couldn’t figure out what exactly it was yet. Kyungwon didn’t act like himself, hanging out with him even more than usual, visiting and drinking coffee with him, asking him about how he was doing and how he felt. It was nice but it also wasn’t the usual.

_ Is he worried? He acts like he did when you were in the clinic, Hyungwon. _

Almost. It wasn’t quite the same. His brother barely asked about his feelings towards his body and his negative thoughts, it was mainly about dancing, his daily life, his attempts at managing his lectures and exams and lastly Hoseok.

_ He asks about Hoseok a lot. _

“Why are you staring?” the other man’s low voice asked suddenly, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“You’re being strange and I’m trying to find out what it is.” It felt stupid to hide his thoughts, especially with the one person he had always been the closest with. Kyungwon was the one who found out about his concerns and problems first, it felt hurtful to stop sharing just because the other man’s sudden, irrational interest in Hoseok made him uncomfortable.

“So am I,” Kyungwon murmured, pursing his lips and curling his pretty fingers around Hyungwon’s wrist, pulling him along to the car.

The trip was fast and mainly consisted of Kyungwon complaining about bicyclists at night, telling him about riding on the back of a bicycle to some guy’s place and hating every fucking second of it. Hyungwon chuckled and glanced out of the window, wondering how he would have to change to have at least half of the exciting stuff happen to him that happened to his brother.

Entering the club, Hyungwon suddenly remembered why he never went. The music was deafening and it was impossible to walk two meters without getting pushed by somebody, scent of marijuana heavy in the air.

His face must have said it all as Kyungwon just laughed and pulled him along, screaming over the music that ‘they hadn’t even started yet’. His brother knew a lot of people, waving at them and getting involved in conversations that Hyungwon couldn’t contribute anything substantial to. But it was okay, he just focused on the beats and imagined how he would move his body to express them the best, adjusting to the heaviness of the bass.

He must have spaced out a little as Kyungwon carefully tapped his shoulder and pointed towards the dance floor. It took a while to figure out what had grabbed his brother’s attention until his eyes settled on the breathtaking blonde man in a dark blue t-shirt and incredibly tight, white ripped jeans. Hoseok didn’t even need to try hard to fit the rhythm, small motions of his muscular body perfectly sufficient to appear broad. 

Unable to help himself, Hyungwon just stared, watching the way Hoseok danced to the music, eyes closed and small drops of sweat glistening in the bright light. From the distance it almost looked like small crystals.

_ He’s so beautiful. _

Hoseok licked over his lips and glanced to the side, not focusing on anything until the brown eyes suddenly settled on Hyungwon, switching to the side before returning to him again.

_ Oh god. _

Warmth spread inside his chest at the realization that Hoseok saw him. A smile instantly pulled at the corners of his mouth and he gave up suppressing it, glancing to the side instead. He was so fucking happy to see him, it felt like ages.

“Hoseok,” he mouthed towards the other man, but the blonde seemed a little out of it, switching his gaze back and forth between Hyungwon and something on his side.

_ Kyungwon. He’s looking at Kyungwon. _

Panic rose in his chest as he turned to the side, staring at the way Kyungwon bit his lower lip and smiled. It took only a few seconds until his brother’s big eyes settled on him, smile bright as he gestured towards Hoseok with his eyes.

“Don’t you want to say hi to your boyfriend?”

Hyungwon nodded, unable to fight away the unanswered question as to why Hoseok would be staring at Kyungwon.

_ Did something happen that you don’t know about? _   
  
His boyfriend just stayed on the dancefloor not moving an inch and stared at both of them.

“He looks like he saw a ghost,” his brother remarked before walking first and closing the distance between them and Hoseok in quick steps. Hyungwon was happy to be able to see the other man and be close, but something about the situation seemed off and he was worried about finding out what it was. Maybe it was the fact that his brother seemed even happier.

“Hi, Hoseok,” Kyungwon commented cheerfully as soon as they squeezed in between the broad blonde man and the few people that were moving their bodies around him. “It’s great to see you.”

Hyungwon had wanted to say something similar, but Kyungwon had been faster so he just nodded, also smiling brightly. Hoseok was so beautiful, his mind wasn't able to do him any justice. The way the corners of his mouth curled up a little independent of a smile was dazzling.   
  
But something was strange. Hoseok just stared, switching his focus from him to Kyungwon and back.

_ Why isn’t he hugging you? Is something wrong? _   
  
“Uh, hi, it’s nice to see you too,” the blonde murmured.

_ He’s awkward, like he feels uncomfortable next to you. _

“Did-” Hyungwon started, but couldn’t really hear himself over the loud music. “Did something happen?” He didn’t know what to do with himself. Now that Hoseok wasn’t hugging him, he didn’t know if it was okay for him to do it. Usually the other just curled his broad arms around him and whispered in his ear, Hyungwon never had to initiate himself.

_ You’re fucking helpless if he isn’t taking initiative. _ __  
__  
“Huh?” Hoseok asked and stared at his face intently before staring back at Kyungwon.

_ Something must have happened, with Kyungwon. Why else would he stare at him, Hyungwon? _

The thought made him dizzy, adrenaline spiking up and releasing into his blood, forcing his heart to beat at double the pace.

_ Are you the idiot who has no idea what’s going on? _

“He asked if you’re okay and if anything happened, because you're acting strange,” Kyungwon helped out, leaning in a little to scream it over the music and closer to Hoseok’s ear. Hyungwon’s blood ran cold at the sight. He felt so fucking out of place.   
  
Hoseok nodded and looked at him, examining his eyes and lips, gaze travelling down to his legs and back up.

_ Is he comparing you to what he knows from Kyungwon already? _

The air got stuck in his throat and he felt how he struggled to breath, eyes widening a little and hands curling into fists.

“I- I need- I need a moment,” he forced out before turning around as quickly as he could and almost running into a different direction, forcing himself past random people that pushed him to the side, having more mass than he did.

_ Fuck, get a grip, Hyungwon. _

He wasn’t able to go far as strong fingers curled around his wrist and pulled him back with insane strength, letting him fly against Hoseok’s firm chest.   
  
“Why are you running away?” the other man’s low voice asked, pulling him into his embrace.

Hyungwon’s throat was still clogged, unable to produce a decent sound so he just whimpered and hid his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck, trying to keep the random outburst of emotions inside his body instead of pouring it all out on the other man’s shirt.

_ Don’t ruin his clothes on top of everything else, Hyungwon. _

“I- I don’t k-know,” he forced out eventually, stating the truth. He really didn’t know what exactly scared him so much. It was a mixture, the way Hoseok hadn’t acted immediately, the way he looked at Kyungwon, how he scrutinized his body, like he knew exactly what was wrong with it.

_ He does know. He knows what’s wrong with it. _

“I didn't know you would come with your brother, I was a little out of it, I'm sorry,” the blonde man murmured and placed a kiss on his cheek. It was nice, calming somehow and just the way it should have been. Hyungwon nodded carefully and glanced up, meeting the familiar dark eyes with his own.

“But- it's not the first time you- you've seen him, is it?” he asked carefully, still disliking the thoughts that kept circulating in his head. He shouldn’t have been like this but he couldn’t help it.

_ Kyungwon lied to you once, he could do it again. _

“Yes, I saw him last week too, it's just, either he’s changed or you’ve changed, you look fucking same, Hyungwon, I didn't know- I didn't want to just randomly kiss-rape your brother because I thought he was you, I'm sorry.” Hoseok sounded desperate.

_ He did already, he kissed him already thinking it was you. And more. _

Hyungwon nodded slowly as his eyes glanced past Hoseok, meeting the big brown ones of his brother. He looked a little worried.

_ He’s probably also wondering what’s going on with you. Stop worrying everyone all the time. _

“He- he likes dressing me like himself, so we look the same. I’m sorry, I didn’t think about that. It’s just-”  _ It’s just that you stick out like a sore thumb compared to him. _ “I’m still not as- as graceful.”   
  
Hoseok laughed for some reason.   
  
“Listen, if it was the case I wouldn’t be staring at you both like in a fucking prank video. I really thought it was a prank or something and it was hard because you even behaved similar. Before I could tell because your brother just said whatever bullshit in his self-confident manner and it was obvious, but now you both not only look the same but also do the same things, I’m fucking desperate, please stop.” Hoseok bit down on his bottom lip and glanced towards Kyungwon.

_ You behave similar? But how? After all, he’s still more confident. _

Hyungwon didn’t know what it could be, he hadn’t seen Kyungwon’s response as soon as he had seen Hoseok, apart from the smile.

_ He isn’t sarcastic at all. _

His eyes widened almost automatically as he stared at his brother who tilted his head a little and walked towards them, resting his arms on Hoseok’s and his shoulder calmly.

“I feel like I’m third-wheeling,” he muttered but there was still a smile on his face. “You okay again, Won?”

Hyungwon wasn’t sure if he was, but he nodded anyway, holding onto Hoseok a little tighter almost automatically, watching the way Kyungwon and his boyfriend looked at each other.

_ Don’t become fanatic, you might start seeing things that aren’t there. _ __  
__  
“You’re not third-wheeling, I am.” Hoseok smiled at his brother before brushing back his blonde bangs and letting them fall over his pale forehead right after.

“Listen- am I kissing cheeks in the middle of a club? Nope, so I'm pretty sure that settles the question.” Kyungwon grinned and slapped Hoseok’s shoulder lightly, gesturing towards the bar. “I'm getting a cocktail, Hyungwon wants a virgin colada as always, but what do you drink, Hoseok?”   
  
“You want a cocktail? I thought you wanted to get your cheek kissed too.” Hoseok grinned and looked to the ceiling in thought. “I’d also like a cocktail, something with whisky.”

Hyungwon examined them carefully, surprised that Kyungwon seemed so cheerful, smile not leaving his lips for the common expression of disgust he often had when someone talked back to him. 

“An intellectual,” his brother remarked and let go of their shoulders. “You can kiss my cheek later, little boy.” Winking at the two of them Kyungwon disappeared in the crowd, looking as gorgeous as ever. Hyungwon couldn't blame Hoseok for looking after him.   
  
“See, that’s easy, that’s when I want to choke him and then I know that he’s not you,” Hoseok remarked and used the moment to press their lips together, licking into his mouth and tasting him, as if he was some candy.

He couldn't help but feel baffled at the sudden action and curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck, feeling a little awkward with all the people that were probably staring at them.

“Please don't choke him though,” he whispered although it was dumb. Why the hell would Hoseok really choke his brother? The other man laughed and rose on his tiptoes to softly kiss him on the forehead.   
  
“I won’t, you like him so much, why would I?”

Hyungwon couldn't help a laugh, thinking it was really cute how Hoseok had to lift up to kiss his forehead.

“I think it's really sweet that you're shorter than me, Hoseok,” he said with a smile, making sure to raise his voice so the blonde could hear him. “I missed you a lot but I was too dumb to come to your apartment. I'm- I'm sorry.”

“Please come. I mean- I could also just come, I just never know how your mood is and whether you want to see me. Why are we such a mess?” The other man chuckled and grabbed his chin, leaning in and licking over his lips. “I’m short, but I didn’t even show the things I’m really good at.” Hoseok smirked.

Hyungwon instantly blushed at the words, mind easily coming up with a few things that Hoseok could have meant by the innuendo, blood rushing to his face.

_ But why would he hesitate to come? He had never been there when you didn’t want him with you yet. _

“But- but until now you have not even once visited when I didn’t want you there. I always want you there, Hoseok.” Hyungwon bit his lip and stepped a little closer, looking around nervously to see if anyone was throwing them strange looks, but no one seemed to pay attention.   
  
“Fine, I will come more often, it’s just that I also need a little feedback, I’m really bad at just doing what I want.” His boyfriend smiled one of those breathtakingly beautiful smiles that were able to take Hyungwon’s breath away. It was impossible not to return it, so he did, pressing their lips together briefly before he remembered that he was in a club and in public and it was fucking embarrassing.

“Hyungwon looks like the personification of the sun, so it’s a good day,” Kyungwon’s low voice called behind them as the other man held an ice cold drink against Hyungwon’s neck and almost made him screech like a primary schooler, a strangled yelp leaving his lips and nails digging into Hoseok’s arms in reflex.  
  
“F-fuck, I’m sorry, Hoseok,” he mumbled and took the drink from Kyungwon’s long fingers. His brother had already handed Hoseok a yellowish drink that looked like one could drop dead from it in the meantime, leaning on his shoulder again.   
  
“It’s fine, you can also scald me with coffee again if you want to, I’m fine with everything.” Hoseok chuckled and thanked Kyungwon while smiling brightly and taking a sip of the drink.

_ He smiles at everyone like that, doesn’t he? Like an angel. _

Hyungwon chewed on his lip and tasted the fruity mixture of coconut, pineapple and cream, loving how it just melted on his tongue like candy. It felt strange to watch Kyungwon be affectionate with Hoseok. It wasn’t like his brother had a tendency to be distant, not at all. He had instantly touched and grabbed Minhyuk and didn’t hesitate to get physical, but the way he acted around Hoseok was more subtle, like he wanted to touch but didn’t want to overwhelm him at the same time.

_ But why? _

“I decided that you have enough body mass to take it,” Kyungwon said with a smile and gestured towards the drink. “May I try?” he asked right after, but didn’t wait for an answer, leaning in and taking a sip from the green straw, licking over his lips right after.

__ Since when does he ask in the first place.  
  
“Do you like it?” Hoseok asked Kyungwon and took a sip himself. “It’s a little like drinking gasoline, but I like it.” The blonde man chuckled and squeezed his side a little.

Hyungwon couldn’t help feeling out of place again, watching the way his brother pursed his lips in thought and brushed through his hair.

_ He’s being strange. _

“Everything is good as long as it burns,” the black-haired man eventually commented with a grin and held out his own. “Wanna try? It’s sour as fuck though.”

_ He hates other people drinking from his cups unless it is you. _

Hoseok nodded and curled his hand around the glass, leaning in and sucking a little through the black straw before he looked up at his brother.   
  
“It’s fine too, if you drink enough you might find someone who will kiss your cheek.” Hoseok grinned brightly before leaning back.

“As long as it’s the correct cheek, I might not oppose, after all I don’t mind people kissing my ass,” Kyungwon replied with a grin and turned toward Hyungwon, brushing over his hair suddenly. “But I won’t drink enough ‘cause I gotta drive Hyungwon home later.”

The behaviour was difficult to track and understand. Hyungwon felt like he was in the middle of a movie. He was that one person that accidentally turned invisible and just stood among people he believed to be his friends, listening to private conversations.

_ Well, you were kind of invisible before too. _ __  
__  
“Do you sleep over? At Hyungwon’s place I mean? Because if you don’t we can also take a cab and you can go have fun and let your ass be kissed just like you deserve,” his boyfriend commented and pulled him a little closer, probably realizing that he hadn’t said anything.

Hyungwon smiled a little at the fact that even Hoseok had picked up on the fact that Kyungwon was someone who deserved everything, just like Hoseok himself.

“He-” he began, but again Kyungwon was faster than him.

“I’m staying over, it’s our weekly hangout day. I can just ask him to kiss my cheek.” His brother’s smile was bright as he licked over his lips and pointed to his cheek, glancing at Hyungwon. It was embarrassing but he did it anyway, leaning in quickly and kissing the soft skin before feeling ashamed and hiding his face in Hoseok’s shoulder. Why was his life like this?   
  
Hoseok laughed and leaned closer to his ear, whispering softly.   
  
“You’re the most adorable person on earth, do you know that?”

“I’d prefer to be s-sexy I think,” Hyungwon whispered back while keeping his face hidden. He could hear Kyungwon chuckle next to him.    
  
“You are sexy, especially when you’re naked,” Hoseok commented. “I see, well, then I hope you’ll have a nice hangout day. Are you sure I’m not ruining your quality time?” the blonde asked Kyungwon.

_ Why isn’t he asking you? It’s not like he’s your parent, he’s your brother. _

“No, you’re not,” both of them replied at the same time, sudden enough to turn and stare at each other as Hyungwon bit his lip and Kyungwon laughed.

“I guess we both like your presence, Hoseok. You can just pretend we’re your catch and make 90% of the club patrons hate you.” Kyungwon laughed even louder and grabbed both of their hands, pulling them into a corner with a couch that a couple had just deserted.   
  
“You make me go nuts, can’t you stop doing the same things? It’s literally a struggle with the way you look but you add up on that, fuck my life,” Hoseok murmured and let himself fall on the couch. Kyungwon didn’t give a single shit as he just fell right next to him whereas Hyungwon had more concerns about squishing his boyfriend and therefore sat down more carefully, brushing the other man’s thigh with his fingers.

_ That’s because Kyungwon isn’t acting like himself. It’s almost as if he is trying to impress, to not be as ignorant and nonchalant as he usually is. _

_ Like he wants to impress Hoseok. _

“This is weird,” he commented out loud and stared at the mass of people grinding their bodies against each other. “Everyone is acting weird.”   
  
“How is that weird? You look the same, Hyungwon, did you look in the mirror? And Kyungwon here lost his arrogance somewhere on the way, so it’s hard.” His boyfriend placed a palm on his thigh and left it there.

_ He didn’t lose it, he abandoned it. _

“You haven’t seen him naked, he’s gorgeous,” Hyungwon commented and glanced towards Kyungwon, who’s face fell a little, like he was shocked by the words although they were the truth. “Unlike me.”

_ The truth can be shocking. _   
  
Suddenly, Hoseok lifted his hand and seemed to greet someone. There was a tall, blonde man smiling brightly and waving at him.   
  
“You see, the handsome dude there? I’ve seen him naked. He’s also gorgeous, but you’re more gorgeous, end of the discussion. I told you not to diss my preferences, Hyungwon.” Hoseok sighed and brushed his hair back. It looked stunning.

Hyungwon’s eyes widened as he stared at the way Hoseok licked over his lips and seemed a little frustrated, frustrated because of him and his issues.

_ He did tell you. He even told you that he loves your body, you saw it. He also loves that you stutter and that you blush, he said it all, Hyungwon. Where the fuck did it go in your head? _

“I’m sorry,” he murmured and leaned his head on Hoseok’s shoulder, closing his eyes and trying to imagine that no one else was there, just Hoseok and the heavy bass that vibrated at his fingertips.

“How are you balancing less work and your studies, Hoseok? Is it going alright, enjoying freetime?” he heard Kyungwon ask from the other side of the couch, voice calm.

_ He cares too. _ __  
__  
“It’s a little strange to be honest, I sometimes don’t really know what to do with myself, so I just study and dance, I guess I need time to accept that I don’t necessarily have to do stuff all the time, it’s hard. How are you? Still falling asleep in international business?” Hoseok chuckled. The way his boyfriend talked seemed so carefree and light. How could they know each other well enough to be asking about such things? What the hell had happened when Kyungwon visited Hoseok?

“Might sound weird, but it can be nice to just lay down on your bed and reflect a little, just think about what you like and feel like doing now instead of going ‘okay what’s next on my to do list’. Also, I’d rather not talk about international business while I’m drinking a tasty cocktail on a couch next to a hot guy, thank you very much.” Kyungwon sounded just as carefree, not sarcastic at all concerning his advice and not making fun of Hoseok’s weaknesses. It was- it was as if he liked Hoseok, enough to not build up his usual wall of indifference and superiority.   
  
“Well, my cocktail kinda makes me think about chemistry to be honest.” The blonde man laughed. “Yeah, you’re right, it’s just hard to get out of the routine I’ve established and repeated for such a long period of time. But it’ll be fine sooner or later. What do you usually do on your hang-out nights?” Hoseok asked and turned to him, placing a kiss on top of his head.

“Ehm-” Hyungwon opened his eyes that he had kept closed, widening a little because he hadn’t expected to be involved suddenly. “Usually we do what Kyungwon wants. A-and sometimes we just chill at home because I like that, like- dunno, cuddle in bed, watch a movie, talk about funny stuff that happened to him or how I embarrassed myself again, yeah- like that- just simple things.” The longer he talked the more he wondered if it sounded weird or if he should have filtered it differently instead of just saying whatever.

Kyungwon chuckled at his response but nodded. “That’s basically it. When it wasn’t so hard to go somewhere, we would just go on trips by car, to the Dutch sea. That’s what I would recommend to you, by the way, if you want to break from routine for a while. Just go somewhere you haven’t been for a few days, far away from everyone else.”   
  
“Ah, I don’t know, I have stuff to do and- well, let’s go dance, I still haven't seen you move, Hyungwon. Only from the bedroom to the kitchen and back, I was anticipating a lot, so show me.” Hoseok suddenly focused all of his attention on him, pinching his thigh.

_ Oh god. _

He couldn’t do anything but nod, instantly trying to listen to the beat and get a feeling for it to not fuck up, to not show Hoseok how much worse he had gotten.  
  
_ Don’t be an idiot, he doesn’t even know how good you were before. _

“Fine- but- cut me some slack. I s-suck under pressure,” he murmured and intertwined their fingers, nodding at Kyungwon before standing up carefully. It still felt weird to be in relatively tight pants and a shirt that showed his collar bones. 

Despite the nervousness and insecurity concerning his own body and skills, his eyes didn’t want to leave his brother, focusing on the way the big brown eyes switched from his to Hoseok, sliding over his muscular form. A few seconds passed while the black-haired man kept his gaze on his boyfriend until Kyungwon’s facial features softened a little, a smile pulling at the corners of his lips. It seemed so natural, like the sight brought him calm, ease, relief. It was like looking at Hoseok made the other man happy.

Hyungwon almost gasped, muscles tensing in his whole body and one single thought materializing and burning its way through his head.

_ He likes him, Hyungwon. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 27th of August at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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>   
>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please read till the end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
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> 

“Is it okay if I can’t even recognize my own boyfriend? I am goals, seriously.” Hoseok took a sip of the cappuccino Kihyun had made for him. He visited the other man at the café he was working at and had suggested to spend their lunch break together. Now that Hoseok had shit loads of time, he intended on using it to spend more time with both Kihyun and Hyungwon.  
  
His best friend laughed and took his espresso cup, sitting down across from him.   
  
“Do you mean at the party, yesterday? I mean, sure, I don’t know both of them, but they look the same, Hoseok. They really do, it’s crazy. I saw you three on the couch and I almost choked.” The brown-haired man grinned and took a small, careful sip of his coffee.   
  
“Mmh? Why? Because they look identical?” Hoseok brushed back his bangs and thought about the previous evening. It was really crazy how much both men resembled each other.   
  
“That too, but they both looked at you as if you were some kind of angel-like bastard. I would’ve thought one could recognize Hyungwon by the way he always looks at you, so full of admiration, but the brother looked the same, so I really couldn’t tell.” Kihyun grinned and bit into the small cookie lying next to his cup.   
  
_ What? Bullshit. _ __  
__  
“Kyungwon? No, didn’t you meet him? You did, you know how he is, there’s no way that he looked at me like that, he probably looked at Hyungwon.” Hoseok thought about the way Hyungwon’s brother reacted when he had kissed him by accident, thinking he was Hyungwon. It was okay, Kyungwon was like that, he had been like that from the start, randomly climbing over tables, and taking what he liked.   
  
_ He also told you that you’re hot 3000 times, it means absolutely nothing. _ __  
__  
“Tell me whatever you want but they both looked at you with lovey dovey eyes and you’re fucking blind, but yeah, whatever you say.” Kihyun huffed and emptied his cup.   
  
_ Maybe it’s because you kissed him for no fucking reason, Hoseok. _   
  
“I- kinda made a mistake a couple of days ago. He came and he looked like Hyungwon and- well, I kinda jumped him.” Hoseok sighed and buried his head in his palms, he was such an idiot, seriously.   
  
“You what? Aren’t you supposed to control some signature stuff or something before just jumping a twin? Did he kick you in the nuts at least?” Kihyun stared at him, eyes wide and a little scary compared to the way his best friend normally looked.   
  
_ He didn’t kick you in the nuts. He grabbed you by the collar and kissed you. _   
  
“No, but he is just like that, he just goes with the flow. He didn’t pretend or anything. He showed me how they are different, but I can’t just randomly touch his hipbone if we meet to recognize it. We talked after that, he’s really easy going and fun to hang out with, it’s just...he just looks like Hyungwon and he often also moves like Hyungwon and my brain is confused and so is my dick, I don’t know what to do, I can’t run away from him like a crazy person, can I?” Hoseok looked at his best friend’s facial expression, trying to find out whether he was being judged.   
  
Kihyun stared at him with his mouth open before facepalming.   
  
“Hoseok, are you telling me you made out with Hyungwon’s brother and touched his hip bone? Are you dumb? Would you have touched his dick if he told you that it feels different? Why are you like this? Are you sure he doesn’t want anything from you?”   
  
_ Kihyun is always so suspicious of people. _ __  
__  
“But, what does Hyungwon think about that?” His best friend leaned in, intimidatingly close.   
  
“Ehm, that his brother is the better version of himself and that he deserves everything and never does anything wrong? You don’t understand, I love Hyungwon and I want Hyungwon only, it’s just hard, my brain can’t process the fact that there is an identical version of him in blunt running around and making me confused.” Hoseok sighed and emptied his coffee, tasting the bitterness on his tongue.   
  
“Get to know both of them better to be able to distinguish. The fact that you can’t means you don’t know them well enough, I guess.” Kihyun chewed on his lip and leaned back.   
  
_ He’s right, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
_   
  
The lecture was way too long for his brain capacity. After the first 50 minutes, he started drawing patterns in his notebook, not paying attention to the professor at all. He thought about Hyungwon too, how he was doing and whether he was okay.   
  
_ You promised to come over, remember? _ __  
__  
He did. After pulling out his phone, he typed a message that he would come over after dropping by his home to shower and change.   
  
Walking out of the university building, he waved at a couple of acquaintances and made his way home. He loved Amsterdam, he really did, the small streets and tourists that sometimes annoyed him, but were still somehow part of the city and the small bars and shops, cafés and bookstores, canals and people sitting on chairs outside of their houses, screaming at tourists to not disturb the silence of the city.   
  
_ What silence, seriously? _ __  
__  
He smiled and continued walking before he heard a car stopping right next to him. He looked to the side and spotted the familiar, black porsche with a rolled down window.   
  
__ Kyungwon?

“Excuse me, can you tell me the way into your heart?” the handsome black-haired man asked with a raised eyebrow before grinning shamelessly, aware of how cringy the line was. After returning his attention to the front Kyungwon made sure he wasn't blocking anybody off before he stared at Hoseok. There was a bright smile on his features, lips spreading wide without any attempts to hide it as he returned his big eyes to Hoseok. “Jump in.”   
  
“Really man?” Hoseok laughed at the cheesy remark and ran over, jumping into the fancy leather seat. “Will you also buy me a bag and a metropolitan while telling me that my eyes are pretty, although it’s obvious that you’re staring at my dick?” He couldn’t help laughing at his own comment.

“You want a bag? Makes sense, your stuff probably doesn't fit into your pockets with all the space that your thighs take up.” Kyungwon smiled and pressed the gas pedal, steering with one hand as he kept his eyes fully focused on the road. Even his driving style appeared calm and controlled, legs spread wide. “This isn't a 70s American romance movie though, so I'll take you to a coffee shop like a good university student. Also- just for the record, your eyes are gorgeous and there is nothing to see if I stared at your dick.”   
  
“That’s what you think,” Hoseok replied and looked around. The car was worth more than his salary in the last four years combined. Far more.   
  
_ His parents must be rich, but Hyungwon doesn’t want the money, does he? _ __  
__  
“How are you a good university student if you’re driving a fucking porsche, Kyungwon?” He stared at the other man. He was chewing on his cheek. Like Hyungwon. Fuck.   
  
_ You knew it, you just need to search for things. For things that are different. _ __  


“I thought ‘good university student’ is defined by having good grades and drinking masses of coffee,” the black-haired man remarked and stopped at a red traffic light, turning towards Hoseok. It was the first time since they got going that Kyungwon looked away from the road, eyes big and plump lips pressing together a little. ”You know, if there isn't anything substantial to have from my parents I want the fucking porsche at least.”   
  
“Well, at least you have the car,” Hoseok murmured and looked at the traffic light, it reminded him of his discussion with Susan.   
  
_ You’re still standing, aren’t you? _ __  
__  
“Did you think about settling down in a relationship?” he asked in thought.

“W-what?” Kyungwon’s eyes turned a little wide like he hadn't prepared for the question at all. However, the traffic light turned green so the other man returned his gaze to the road, driving on. “I didn't really think that I had time for stuff like that, especially not with all the shit I take care of. It would have only been a bother.” A few seconds passed as the black-haired man brushed through his hair, exposing his forehead for a short while. It looked natural and nonchalant, like he felt comfortable in his body. “But I'm not so sure anymore, maybe I'm missing out.”   
  
“I was like that too, that’s why I’m asking. You’re so good at giving me advice on how to handle all the shit that is coming my way, but I have the feeling that we are very similar here. I mean, fucking around is nice and all, but one gets numb after a while. I don’t know if it’s good, probably not,” Hoseok elaborated and leaned back against the seat, lifting both his arms and placing them behind his head.

“I think it depends a lot on what you want. I wanted body contact without any consequences and it seemed easier to get through sex, don't you agree? Especially if you don't wish to be close to a particular person. With you the change was meeting Hyungwon and seeing that he had no interest in forcing or convincing you into something, wasn't it?” Kyungwon’s voice was exactly like Hyungwon's, low, pleasant, pulling the vowels a little but without longer breaks like his boyfriend used them. Hyungwon's brother thought less about what to say.   
  
_ Did you change because of Hyungwon only? _ __  
__  
“Not quite, sex, how should I say it, it’s fun and it somehow gave me the feeling that I’m eligible for human interaction.” He chuckled before continuing. “I don’t think I changed because of meeting Hyungwon. I think Hyungwon was like- like a trigger? Because something had been wrong from the start and meeting your brother was more like a start of change, I guess. Maybe you need something like that too. If you want of course, actually I know nothing about you.” Hoseok brushed his hair back with one hand and removed invisible dust from his pants. It felt strange to sit in a car with someone who looked like Hyungwon and to talk to him about his relationship to Hyungwon.

Kyungwon hummed, turning into a narrow street with lots of balconies and pretty flowers that decorated the front porches. 

“Good that we're working on that then,” the black-haired man remarked and smoothly slid into a parking spot in front of a light blue house. The area was really pretty. There was a gigantic ‘private’ sign right in front of them, pointing out that they would be removed forcefully for parking without permission. “Let me buy you some of the best coffee in the city, Hoseok.”   
  
Money wasn’t something that Hoseok was able to deny, and if this money was being used to buy him coffee, even less.   
  
“Thank you, I’m looking forward to it. Let’s see if it can beat my instant coffee,” he commented and hurried after Kyungwon who had already entered the small cafe, shaking his head at Hoseok’s remark.

“Kyungwon!”

A middle-aged woman with beautiful red hair immediately greeted them, taking off her apron and curling her arms around the tall man's upper arms because she couldn't really reach further than that. She was fully tattooed.

“Wow, it's great to see you here. I'm happy you found the time,” the woman remarked before letting go and smiling at Hoseok. “Now I'm even more surprised. You're definitely not his twin.”

Kyungwon chuckled and moved towards a table on the side with a pretty view towards the garden.

“That's Hoseok, he's a good friend, Emma.”

The red-haired woman seemed rather surprised by the fact that he was there, brought as company.

“Well, then be prepared to be swept off your feet by my barista skills, Hoseok,” she said with a bright smile before disappearing behind a small door. She had mispronounced his name a little, but it was okay.   
  
“Can’t wait.” Hoseok smiled brightly, like he always did. There wasn’t a particular reason, he did it just because people liked it and seemed happy when he smiled.

“Your smile could make the great depression in 1930 seem like a summer holiday,” Kyungwon commented and leaned his elbows on the wood, resting his chin on top of his palms as he got closer. “She’ll be making cappuccinos, I hope that's fine with you. Even if not, they are fucking delicious.”   
  
“I’m fine with everything, thank you for inviting me,” Hoseok replied and smiled, this time at Kyungwon. “Were you planning on coming here, or did you decide after randomly seeing me on the street?” 

“I saw you and decided that you look in desperate need of a good cup of coffee,” the black-haired man replied with a grin and brushed through his hair again. “Our parent’s house isn't too far from here, so I'm basically a regular. That's probably the only reason Emma allows me to park my car there.”   
  
_ You can’t be looking like shit, you slept properly. _ __  
__  
“I thought I was looking acceptable today because I slept a lot, but I guess not. Thank you for reminding me that self-confidence is variable.” He grinned and accepted the cup of cappuccino the friendly looking woman had brought.

“Bullshit, you look hot, which fits perfectly to the regular temperature of a cup of coffee.” Kyungwon laughed at his own comment and took a careful sip from his blue cup. “You seemed free and I wanted to hang out, so I just decided for you that you want coffee.”   
  
“You also look hot,” he murmured before looking up. “Like Hyungwon.” A grin spread his cheeks and he couldn’t help thinking that the other man probably didn’t like being compared to his brother all the time. At least that’s how it was with normal siblings he knew.

“Duh, we’re twins. He could work a little on the gigantic shirts, I guess, but all in all he’s a pretty and shy bean.” Kyungwon grinned back, hitting his cup against Hoseok’s lightly just like he had back at his apartment. “Can you tell us apart, Hoseok?.” __  
  
_ No. _ __  
__  
“I’m surprised you didn’t laugh at me at the club, I thought it was a prank.” He took a sip of the tasty liquid and gave the barista a thumbs up.

“I didn’t because you seemed really strange, just staring. Were you worried about jumping me again?” Kyungwon raised an eyebrow and licked over his lips, catching a stray drop of coffee. The big brown eyes were staring at him. “I wouldn’t have minded.”   
  
_ It’s as if he can look inside your head. _ __  
__  
“Yes, I was worried. Why aren’t you fucking worried?” Hoseok threw his head back, exhaling sharply before returning to his previous position.

“Why would I be? If it happens you’ll apologize and then it’s fine. The worst thing that could happen is Hyungwon getting the wrong message, but maybe it’s even good, a little at least, because he might finally see that we look the same and I’m not the fucking knight on a white horse he likes to present me as.” The black-haired man took another sip and pressed his lips together, glancing to the side. “He was scared yesterday, because you didn’t act the way you usually do.”   
  
_ Fuck. _ __  
__  
“Shit, but I told him that I needed time to figure out who is who and you both had made the same face, so what was I supposed to do? Touch your hip bone? It can’t get more awkward than that. I don’t understand, I should be able to differentiate.” Hoseok emptied his cup. He felt really frustrated about his inability to see differences. Of course the way Kyungwon talked was different, just like his clothing style, but there were so many moments where he pouted his lips, or chewed on his cheek or simply looked to the side, resembling Hyungwon to 100 percent.

Kyungwon sighed, brushing through his hair again and attempting to keep it away from his forehead, sliding his long fingers upwards, beginning at his hairline.

“Hyungwon tends to believe that one glance is sufficient to see all of his flaws, which is bullshit. I guess it’s worse with you because you saw him naked and all.” Licking over his lips again, the black-haired man tilted his head a little and moved closer. “What makes you believe that you can’t really differentiate us? You did, even after kissing me it didn’t take long for you to know that I wasn’t Hyungwon. Why would you have to know at first glance, I can’t think of anybody who does.”    
  
“It’s easy to explain. If you see me, you don’t think, ‘well, who’s that?’ but you know that I’m Hoseok and you know exactly how to react. If I see you, or Hyungwon, I have to think who the fuck that is because I can’t just behave the same way with both of you. I only realized that you weren’t Hyungwon because you told me that you went to lectures. That’s how bad this is.” He squished his face between both palms and stared up at the slightly taller man.

Kyungwon chuckled, probably because of the way his face looked. Reaching out the black-haired man pinched his cheek, smile staying.

“But before you didn’t struggle, so why now? In addition, I might have had the same problem if you had a twin brother. Well, and not all twins keep their hair the same. That’s my fault I guess, I like us looking the same.”   
  
_ Why didn’t you struggle before? _ __  
__  
“Because first of all, you were never around. Second, you must’ve lost your nastiness somewhere along the way. Why are you so nice all of a sudden? It makes it extra hard, my brain is not ready to process this shit.” Hoseok shook his head to emphasize his words.

“You’re cool, my brother likes you, I like you, so why should I be a bitch to you, unless you act like one yourself?” Kyungwon’s eyes narrowed as if the thought alone evoked some kind of response. “Hyungwon is doing pretty well though, much better than he has in...quite a while. That’s one of the reasons I’m around more, he goes out more. Thank you for that, really, I’m really thankful. Also for going to him back then, when I asked you to.”   
  
_ He’s just nice and you’re ignorant for not being able to tell them apart. _ __  
__  
“It’s nothing. Thank you for being an idol brother to him,” Hoseok commented and chuckled. “I think I’ll need half an hour from here to get home right?”

Kyungwon grinned suddenly, emptying his coffee cup as if he took Hoseok’s remark as a hint that he wanted to leave.

“What do you mean going home? That’s not how this works. You got coffee and now you better come to my place if you’re a good boy.” Laughing with a genuine smile instead of the grin, Kyungwon gestured towards Emma, handing her a bill without bothering with change. That was some ridiculously expensive coffee. “In addition, don’t say ‘idol’ brother until you’ve seen him tell me stuff like ‘people probably only want me because I look like you’, fuck my life.”

_ To his place? But you promised Hyungwon that you‘d come over. _

“I'm definitely not a good boy and I also promised Hyungwon that I’d come over,” Hoseok elaborated, but on the other hand, Kyungwon had been really nice to him, inviting him for coffee and all that buzz.

“Fair enough, but you don’t have to be a good boy to visit. I can drive you to Hyungwon later if you like. I still have some cash that mom wants him to have anyway. You could put it behind the coffee machine until he decides that he wants to spend it on other people.” Kyungwon shrugged and gave Emma a hug on his way out of the cafe. Opening the car with his key he gestured at Hoseok to get in, climbing in himself.

_ Fair enough.  _

It took about ten minutes until they arrived at a pretty street, filled with colorful residential houses, doors and windows opened along the whole road. Driving into a small garage at the side of a particularly well designed building, Kyungwon turned off the engine and turned towards him, bright smile in place.

“Come in and find out,” the other man commented and got out of the car, brushing away a random flower that had fallen on the cowling. Still smiling, Kyungwon quickly walked up the few steps to the front door and opened it with a transponder, closing the car as soon as Hoseok had gotten out.

Hoseok chuckled and went after him, opening his mouth in shock as soon as he entered the spacious loft. 

_ Holy fucking shit.  _

“Uhm, my apartment looks like it would suck your apartment’s dick for money,” he murmured and couldn't help the way his eyes widened at the sight. It was a huge loft filled with minimalistic designer furniture. “Listen, I feel like your couch will sue me if I touch it, what the fuck?”

“Listen- my couch would probably pay money to have your ass grace it, so don’t panic and get comfortable.” Kyungwon was still smiling brightly, mouth corners lifted and lips thin. Looking around quickly, the black-haired man took off his shoes by stepping on the back part of them and walked through, turning around a corner and beginning to shuffle with something that sounded like glasses. “Do you drink smoothies, Hoseok? I still have some banana-whatever mixture.”

When he didn’t answer immediately, the handsome man’s head appeared from the door frame, eyebrows raised in amusement and gesturing for him to follow.

“Don’t panic, Hoseok, I don’t think I’m all that just because I live like this. I did absolutely nothing to have it all, so it’s technically meaningless.”

“I'm just going to stand in the middle of the hallway to not touch anything precious,” he murmured and took off his shoes. “Put vodka into the smoothie so I'll relax.”

“No, you’re not going to stand around in my hallway.” Kyungwon laughed loudly from where he was and stepped out before grabbing Hoseok’s wrist and simply pulling him through the hallway until they entered a large kitchen. There was no real dining table but one of the counters was placed central with a few high chairs around it. Still holding onto his wrist the tall man turned around and looked at him, smile still pulling at the corners of his mouth. He was pretty close.

“You’re adorable, Hoseok, makes me want to kiss you.”

He couldn't help how his eyes widened and mouth opened at the sight and the spoken words. The black-haired man looked like Hyungwon when he smiled genuinely. It was a struggle. He panicked and looked to the ceiling.

Kyungwon chuckled and grabbed his chin with his index finger and thumb, pulling it down until Hoseok was looking at him again.

“I didn’t take you as the shy type,” the other murmured before blowing on his face with a smile and letting go. As if nothing happened, his boyfriend’s brother returned to the counter where he had been filling something that looked like homemade smoothie into two tall glasses. “You actually want vodka or is that your panicked brain speaking?” Kyungwon opened a second fridge at the side, obviously meant for alcoholic beverages.

Kyungwon didn't quite get the point. Hoseok wasn't shy, he also wasn't panicky, he just felt too fucking close to making a mistake he didn't want to make.

_ You just can't help reacting to him. _

“I'm not shy. My inhibitions suck, so no vodka, it'll make it worse,” he commented and looked around. The kitchen was as fancy as everything else, white, shiny surfaces and expensive dishes gracing the glass shelves.

“Mmh,” Kyungwon hummed and ripped two mint leaves from a plant on the window sill before arranging them on top of the prepared smoothies. “I still don’t see your reason for being concerned. Let’s assume that you accidentally kiss me-” Finishing the words the black-haired man grabbed the two glasses with his long fingers and stepped closer to Hoseok, leaning down a little, dangerously close to his face. “What happens then? Do you suddenly fall in love with me? I doubt that very much.”

“You think that's my concern?” Hoseok asked and took a glass from the other man's palm, brushing the cold fingers in the process. The way Kyungwon stared at him resembled Hyungwon in all aspects, lips plump from the way they were pushed out a little, eyes big, breaths leaving slowly through the small nose.

“I don’t know what your concern is, Hoseok, I only know that you seem uncomfortable.” The other man stayed as close as he was. A sip of his smoothie left a white line above Kyungwon’s upper lip that he subsequently licked off. “My only concern is Hyungwon.”

_ Hyungwon is the problem and the concern at the same time. If you weren’t so hooked, it wouldn't be a problem. _

“Listen, you're concerned about Hyungwon? Then why are you being so close? It's really hard on me, you look like him, I react, it's a mess,” Hoseok breathed out and looked to the side, taking a sip of his drink.

Kyungwon pressed his lips together as his brown eyes widened and he glanced to the side too, visibly avoiding the eye contact instead of searching for it the way he had before.

“That's because- the consequences haven't been bad yet, nothing terrible has happened although you were close to me.” He spoke slower than usual, as if he needed more time to formulate. The manner made him seem even more like Hyungwon, less confident and more unsure about what he was actually doing.

_ So Hyungwon knows that you kiss-raped him? _

“Are you waiting for something bad to happen?” Hoseok couldn't help his sped up heartbeat. Kyungwon made him react and that was a fact. He grabbed the other man's chin with his thumb and index finger and turned his head to see the expression in the big brown eyes. Just like he would've done it if the it was Hyungwon.

“I don't know, it's a little exciting, isn't it?” Kyungwon watched him intently, licking over his lips like the situation made them feel dry suddenly. Lifting his free hand that was not holding a smoothie, the black-haired man placed his palm on Hoseok’s chest, right above his heart. “To me it is and I think it might be the same with you, Hoseok,” the beautiful man whispered.

He felt his blood rush in his ears, almost deafening with the way his body reacted to his boyfriend’s face although it had been a different person. He remembered Minhyuk telling him that it had been weird.

“You think it's exciting? Why? Why are you being like this all of a sudden? You weren't interested at all,” he whispered and licked over his own lips quickly.

_ Maybe he thinks that it's funny that you react like that. _

“I wasn't but-" Kyungwon stopped like he changed his mind about uttering his next words, choosing others instead. “But there is something about you, you're so affectionate, Hoseok.”

_ How does he even know whether you're affectionate or not? You weren't particularity affectionate towards him, rather the opposite. _

“How do you know? We didn't have an affectionate relationship before did we? I don't think I'm affectionate. I'm just-" He didn't finish and swallowed, removing his hand from the other man's chin.

“You are affectionate towards the people you like. I know because- because there is something I didn't tell you.” For the first time since Hoseok got to know the other man he looked a little guilty, glancing to the side instead of his face, probably at the white kitchen tiles. Kyungwon stuttering made the whole thing even worse, it was as if he didn't know whether he was placed in a different reality, or whether his perceptions just played with him.

“What, what didn't you tell me? Look at me, you confuse me even more if you look away,” Hoseok whispered and reached out with his hand but hesitated in the last moment and let it fall to the side.

_ Maybe you are dreaming, Hoseok? _

“Do you remember when you visited Hyungwon the last time?” Kyungwon asked carefully, hesitantly looking back up and focusing his big brown eyes on his lips before finally reaching his eyes.

Hoseok hummed. Of course he remembered, Hyungwon hadn't really felt well after the blowjob and they had lain together, hugging for a long time before he had gone home. Thinking about it made him miss Hyungwon even more, evoking the wish to hug and kiss him without forcing himself to hold back, knowing that it was not the right person.

“It… it wasn't Hyungwon. It was me, I'm sorry.” Kyungwon spoke quietly, slim body visibly tensing in front of him as the black-haired man bit down on his lower lip, anticipating his response.

He felt dread travelling down his lungs and settling in the area of his lower stomach.

_ It wasn't Hyungwon. It was him. _

It was scary, so fucking scary, the fact that he hadn't been able to tell and that they had been close, touching and sharing the emotionality together while hugging and kissing. His emotions had been real, just the person hadn't.

“But- but why?” he whispered, feeling how his lungs clenched at the thoughts, pulling him into a state of helplessness and confusion. As if he was in a movie he hadn't known the plot of. The Truman show.

“I- I don't know, Hoseok. You jumped me and I thought of pushing you away but- I just couldn't, I liked it and you were so fucking affectionate, especially afterwards. I didn't know how to say that I wasn't Hyungwon.” Kyungwon chewed on his lower lip, placing his hands on Hoseok’s shoulders carefully while glancing down. “It seemed like I was trapped in the role and couldn't leave it just because it escalated. I was scared of having to explain myself, I'm sorry.”

_ He's right, you jumped him, not letting him say anything.  _

“But you- you were him,” he whispered and felt numb, as if nothing mattered, as if he had absolutely no control over what was happening to him.

“I acted, Hoseok, at least mostly. I didn't know how to be myself after all of that. I'm sorry, I should have told you, I'm not helpless, I could have pushed you away but- I didn't want to.”

_ He feels guilty. _

Suddenly it made sense. It made sense that Kyungwon came by his apartment for no reason and bought him coffee inviting him to his fancy house. He felt guilty.

“You didn't have to do all this. Being nice to me and asking about my problems, buying me coffee and all that. You should've just told me.” He bit down on his bottom lip and tasted blood.

“You're naive, Hoseok.” Kyungwon lifted his head, returning the dark brown eyes to his face and examining him intently. “I didn't do it because of what happened. I did it because I wanted to.” The long fingers dug into his shoulders as the black-haired man leaned in, placing a careful kiss on Hoseok’s lips before parting again. “Because I wanted some of that affection.”

He felt strange. As if his body was not his body but someone else's and he watched all the things that happened to him from the outside. Licking over his lips he closed his eyes.

“Must be nice to be able to do what you want,“ Hoseok whispered and turned around, walking out of the kitchen.

“Shit- Hoseok, wait,” Kyungwon exclaimed and grabbed his shoulder, holding him back and stepping in front of him, eyes wide. He looked so much like Hyungwon.

_ Maybe he is, who knows? _

“You didn't stop me, I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't wanted me around, meeting you for coffee and talking.” The other man looked a little scared. “Please don't leave like this, I'm sorry. I don't know how to solve this either, it's a first for me. I don't fucking know what to do.”

“I liked having you around, I just thought it was genuine interest.” He focused his gaze on Kyungwon’s big brown eyes. “Why don't you know what to do? You told me and now I'm the one who has to deal with this.”

The black-haired man chewed on his lip, eyes strangely emotional. It didn't seem like him at all, at least with what Hoseok knew about him.

“You don't understand this, do you? You are dating my brother, loving him despite all of his issues and caring about him. My brother that I almost lost because he fucking tried to kill himself while sending me on a meaningless errand.” Kyungwon’s voice broke towards the end, hands tightening in Hoseok’s shirt. “I can't just- I can't just be falling in love with you in this situation. It's fucked up, so I don't know what to do. Usually I just do what I always do, but now- fuck.”

_ In love? Does he like you, Hoseok? But why? _

“Why would you be falling in love with me? It doesn't make any sense, what- what is this?” Kyungwon looked so desperate that his lungs clenched at the sight, not understanding why the other man would feel like this.

“I don't fucking know, Hoseok. You're just so fucking nice, instantly caring and showing affection. I still can't forget the way you held me while lying in bed although you thought I was Hyungwon- fuck.” The black-haired man curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck and rested his head on his shoulder, inhaling sharply while trying to control his emotions, nose audibly clogging up. “I like you.”

It must have been a parallel universe, the proximity and how the black-haired man did exactly the one thing Hyungwon always did when he wanted to be close, combined with the devastation in the other man's voice. He curled his arm around the thin waist and pressed him closer, stroking over his black hair with the other.

Kyungwon breathed in deeply, like he attempted to calm himself. Warm breaths were tickling the skin of his neck while the other man tried to be even closer, slim hips pushing against Hoseok’s.

He used his arm around the other man's waist to hold him close and placed a kiss on the curled ear, it was so natural, as if it was exactly how it was supposed to be.

Another warm exhale caressed his neck until the black-haired man lifted his head, looking at him intently while chewing on his lip.

“I must be a horrible person,” Kyungwon whispered before leaning in and pressing his lips to Hoseok’s, warm tongue licking over his curved mouth.

He kissed back, keeping the black-haired man in his tight embrace and feeling absolutely confused. The other was quick to sink long fingers into the strands of his hair, tilting his head a little for better access as he licked between his lips, tasting like smoothie mixed with a little bit of coffee.

“You're the first person I genuinely want, Hoseok,” the tall man whispered into his mouth, pushing him back until his lower back touched the wall.

There was a part of his brain that constantly turned on the siren, but his body and his perceptions, they all considered it right, letting him roam over the slim back and lick into the warm mouth.

Kyungwon nibbled on Hoseok’s bottom lip, moaning instantly at the way he touched his body, and used a short break in which both of them inhaled to turn them, letting Hoseok pin him to the wall. Gasping into his mouth, the black-haired man lifted a jeans-clad thigh, letting it rub along Hoseok’s leg and curling around his hips.

Talking with his body had always been easier, so he grabbed Kyungwon’s thighs and lifted the other man up, pressing him into the wall with his hips and ravishing his mouth.

“Fuck yes,” the tall man groaned and rolled his hips into his automatically, increasing friction and sending a pleasant wave of arousal downwards. “Fucking touch me already.”

He went down, sucking and biting the smooth skin on the other man's neck, rolling his hips into him, arousal spiking up and clouding his senses.

Kyungwon moaned and reached between their bodies with one hand, rubbing along the bulge in Hoseok’s jeans while throwing his head back. He was loud and expressive, instantly acting on his own while staring at Hoseok with almost black, half-lidded eyes.

“Fuck me, Hoseok.”

Shit, he wanted to, so badly. Sucking in a breath, he carried the black-haired man to the next best surface, which happened to be the kitchen counter and opened Kyungwon’s jeans with a practiced movement, stroking over the outline of the other man's dick.

“I want to feel you inside of me already, goddamnit,” Kyungwon cursed and threw his right leg on top of Hoseok’s shoulder, hissing at the way he touched him. Teeth remained buried in the other man's plump lower lip as he held his weight with his lean arms. “You're so fucking huge, you'll just take up all the space, fuck.”

The only thought in his head consisted of the slim body sinking down his erection, while the plump lips let out a moan. He couldn't help but groan at the words before he leaned in and pulled the other man's shirt up, sucking on a nipple and rolling his hips right where Kyungwon had wanted him.

“Fuck you, shit,” the black-haired man gasped and grabbed Hoseok’s hair, pulling him up roughly to cover his mouth with his own, teeth almost clashing at the force. “If you don't hurry up I'll just jump you myself, fuck, I want you, Hoseok.”    
  
He ignored it, biting into a spot right under a sharp collarbone, licking over it right after. Holding the other man’s hips with both hands, he pushed his lower body into them in a circular motion.

Kyungwon stared at him with narrowed eyes, but the way Hoseok moved and gave the other man friction broke the frustration in the dark brown orbs, lips parting to release constant sounds of pleasure instead.

“Oh, come on, let me feel you. I'm fucking burning already,” Kyungwon muttered and spread his legs, staring at Hoseok as he let one of his large hands slide along his own chest and opened jeans, giving himself a short squeeze, full lips parted. “Fuck me up.” Kyungwon was sin. Just sin.   
  
Hoseok leaned down and freed the other man’s erection, pushing it in between his lips and sucking on the tip harshly.

“Shit,” the black-haired man yelled and let himself rest on his elbows again, sliding forward on the counter, such that his hips barely rested on the edge. “Can't believe I said no to that prettily curved mouth of yours before- fuck.”    
  
He hummed over the tip and took Kyungwon’s slim hips, pushing them closer to his mouth and sucked up, tracing the veins with his tongue that dug into the slit right after.

The beautiful man was moaning, spreading his legs automatically and enjoying the way Hoseok sent pleasure along his spine, muscles contracting and loosening with each suck along his erection. Hoseok sank down all the way, moaning over it and enjoying the low groans that filled the acoustic space.

A few seconds passed until long fingers grabbed a fist of his hair again and pulled him off the other man's erection, dark eyes gazing at him through black bangs.

“I want you inside of me, Hoseok, give it to me,” Kyungwon hissed, chewing on his bottom lip as a little bit of colour graced his cheeks. The blush made him look incredibly beautiful. Like Hyungwon.   
  
Hoseok stepped back and grabbed the seam of the other man’s jeans, sliding them down his long legs and watching the naked skin that appeared where the fabric retreated. They were beautiful, golden and-.   
  
_ Without any scars. _ __  
__  
He stopped his motions and stared at Kyungwon’s thighs. They were gorgeous, but it wasn’t the same, it hadn’t been the same from the start.   
  
_ You want Hyungwon, he’s the one who makes you feel everything else in addition to sexual attraction. You know his scars and he knows yours. Why are you like this, Hoseok? You promised not to do this anymore. _ __  
__  
Smiling a little at his idiocy, he pulled the other man’s pants up again, sliding the zipper up and closing the button.

The black-haired man stared at him with wide eyes, visibly not comprehending what he was doing and especially why.

“Why the fuck are you dressing me instead of undressing me, Hoseok?” Kyungwon asked, but the longer he stared at Hoseok, the more the other appeared to realize something, biting down on his cheek.   
  
“Because you can get this anywhere else, you don’t need me for that. It will just make everything messy and will hurt, you, me and Hyungwon,” he whispered and pulled Kyungwon’s shirt down over his stomach carefully.

The other man just hummed and sat up on the counter. He looked a little hurt.

“Want me to drive you to Hyungwon? You said you promised to come,” he whispered, but didn't really look Hoseok in the face, letting his long fingers slide over the hard surface next to his hips. It hurt to see the normally self-confident man like that.   
  
“No, I’ll write him that I’ll come later, I need a little time to think,” he murmured and stepped closer, curling both arms around Kyungwon’s slim waist and pressing the other man flush against his chest. He didn’t want him to feel bad or be hurt.

“You don't have to hug me just because you feel pity or whatever. I'll be fine, after all I'm supposed to be a grown up.” Kyungwon chuckled but hugged back nevertheless, burying his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck and inhaling his scent. “I'll drive you home then.”   
  
“I don’t pity you, you idiot. I like you, I don’t want you to be hurt because of this.” Hoseok stroked over the black hair. He felt like staying in the same position for hours just to make Kyungwon feel better.    
  
_ Because you can’t handle it if people you like suffer because of you. _

“I like you too which makes this really messy. But I'm also worried about Hyungwon so I think it's better if you don't tell him. Please.” Kyungwon sighed before letting go of Hoseok and glancing towards the hallway. “He might do or think something stupid.”   
  
“What is it that you don’t want me to tell him?” Hoseok asked. He didn’t want to be dishonest with Hyungwon, he wanted him to know every little thought and understand.

“That I like you,” Kyungwon murmured and washed out his smoothie glass although he hadn't finished it. “I know him too well and he'll- he'll do something dumb and sacrificial.”   
  
_ Wait, does he really like you? _   
  
“But- but do you really like me? Like, not as a friend?” Hoseok opened his mouth in disbelief. He had thought that the other man had been saying it without meaning to.

A smile spread the plump lips but it looked a little bitter. The other man was still staring at the clean glass in his hands, not turning fully towards Hoseok.

“You didn't believe me, did you?” Kyungwon asked eventually, swallowing audibly and placing the smoothie glass on the drying rack. “I do.”   
  
Hoseok didn’t know what to say, especially after being so close. He really didn’t consider it, but the other man’s facial expressions looked so genuine.   
  
“This- this is hard,” he whispered and took Kyungwon’s hand, squeezing it a little.   
  
_ You have both twin brothers liking you, Hoseok. How the fuck are you supposed to solve this? _ __  
__  
  


***

 

Why was studying so damn hard?

Hyungwon had been attempting to memorize the various epidemiological dates and numbers concerning various dental conditions for the dental public health exam. The one he hadn’t been able to write and intended on writing sometime in the next three weeks.

_ You don’t want to wait another year, do you? _

It was hard, especially because when he couldn’t remember something instantly, his brain would helpfully let him know that he most likely wouldn’t manage in the first place and just fail the exam just like he failed everything else in life. Although it wasn’t quite true. The notebook with his achievements since he had left the clinic lay open above his lecture book, reminding him that he was indeed capable of having good grades and passing his courses.

_ You’ve been doing well, Hyungwon. You just forgot again, drowning in your own misery although you should have known better. _

Despite it being difficult, studying helped him to distract himself, from the fact that there was something going on with his brother and his boyfriend that he wasn’t aware of, the fact that Kyungwon seemed to be interested in Hoseok and that there was something bothering Hoseok when it came to Kyungwon. It was a gigantic mess and Hyungwon was standing in the middle of it, holding up a fucking white flag and waiting for someone to help out.

_ You were almost like the third wheel that night at the club. They just talked among themselves, having a great time. _

It had been a little different once he was home again, lying in bed and cuddling as Kyungwon asked him all kinds of things about his experiences with Hoseok and made fun of him for being shy and hesitating although he loved it when he was thrown around and manhandled. It had been like two different worlds. Sure, Hyungwon knew that his brother was different around him, less pretentious and more genuine, but he had been much more himself at the club than he had seemed to be next to Hyungwon in the past weeks.

_ Because he likes Hoseok and can’t tell you, afraid of what you will do. _

It made sense, even Hyungwon was afraid of what he would fucking do, occupying himself with studying instead although he almost never managed to get himself to even open a book. The only positive thing that day had been the small message that Hoseok sent him, mentioning that he would come visit.

It had been so amazing that Hyungwon just sent a smiley with heart eyes before realizing it was cheesy as fuck and regretting all his previous life choices. Luckily Hoseok hadn’t commented on it, probably busy. A glance at his positive experiences notebook revealed that he had lied to himself again. It said ‘sorted your lecture books according to urgency’ on good deeds for the day. That probably counted.

Working through another two chapters, Hyungwon simply wanted to take the thick book and knock himself out with it, or throw it against the wall and watch it slide down like the criminals in movies, all dramatic and with a boom. Groaning, he stretched out his arms and lay down on top of the book, feeling the way the cold pages dug into the skin of his cheek a little.   
  
The bell rang, catapulting him out of his semi-coma.

_ It’s Hoseok. _

Euphoria sparked up, as rare as it was and he jumped up, hitting his foot against the table and yelping in pain.

_ Now hope he didn’t hear that. _

Stumbling into the hallway, Hyungwon hadn’t even remembered to change into a sweatshirt, but that didn’t matter because Hoseok had seen him naked before and his arms were really not a big deal after that. Biting his lip to suppress the pain in his foot, he opened the door, eyes immediately searching out the familiar face.   
  
Hoseok’s face lit up like the sun as soon as he spotted him, teeth settling down on the prettily curved lip and eyes big and friendly.   
  
“Can I come in?” he asked and pulled out one hand that had been in the pocket of his jeans to brush his bangs back. It was beautiful and Hyungwon instantly felt a bright smile developing on his face, legs a little jittery at the wish to just jump up and squish Hoseok with his stick arms.

“Of course, p-please, I missed you,” he exclaimed and stepped to the side to allow Hoseok enough space to enter. His foot still hurt a little but suddenly that had become absolutely irrelevant.   
  
“I missed you too, so much, you don’t even know,” Hoseok murmured while taking off his shoes and placing them next to Hyungwon’s chucks. After standing up, Hoseok curled his arms around his waist and pulled him into a hug, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

The touch brought a gigantic wave of relief that washed over him. He was happy that Hoseok acted as usual, expressing his affection instantly. Smiling Hyungwon hugged back, careful to not squish the other man too much and to not tickle him with his messy bangs. He had ruffled them up while studying for hours and they probably stuck out in all possible directions.

_ Oh god, you probably look like a bird’s nest. _ __  
__  
The blonde man stroked over his back and placed a kiss against his neck, leaning back and smiling.   
  
“Did you wait for me?”

Hyungwon nodded quickly until he realized that sounded like he sat in front of the door waiting for it to ring, which was close but not quite the truth.

“I even studied,” he commented and chewed on his lip, still happy that Hoseok came and apparently didn’t care about the condition of his hair.   
  
“That’s amazing! How about your resources, do you think you have a bit left to talk about something that’s very important to me? I don’t think that it’s comfortable in any way, but we need to talk about this, because I’m going to go crazy otherwise.” Hoseok looked at him, serious gaze focusing on his eyes mercilessly.

_ Resources? What resources? _

“What do you m-mean by resources? Whether I am fine with talking about something important? I’m- I’m always fine with talking about something that’s i-important to you.” He stuttered less than he would have expected considering that his brain had already begun to draw the worst kind of scenarios he could come up with.

_ It’s simple, Hyungwon, what do people usually talk about when they say it’s serious? _

Break-ups. They talked about break-ups.   
  
“Okay. I thought about that, so I will tell you how I planned this. I will tell you everything one by one, explaining it, if you have something to say in between you can always say it. You will come up with crazy ass explanations that are most definitely not true and I will resolve them all by telling you the truth, okay? And you promise me to not run away because I won’t be considerate and I’ll just catch you and throw you over my shoulder. Okay?” Hoseok smiled a little, brushing a strand behind his ear. “Of course I also have some questions for you. I already prepared a crazy explanation for myself, but decided that asking you would be a better idea. But that later.”

_ Holy shit. _

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he couldn’t tell what he was more shocked by, that Hoseok was so prepared or that he knew exactly that Hyungwon would have come up with justifications and argumentations that weren’t correct.

_ Wait, what if they are? _

He bit his lip and nodded slowly, hoping that whatever Hoseok had in mind was stronger than what his brain would come up with. The longer he stared at the pretty curved mouth and the way his boyfriend showed affection, the more he couldn’t help but feel that it was about his brother.   
  
Hoseok nodded and took his hand, making his way to his bedroom, closing the door behind them and sitting down on the bed in lotus position. Pulling Hyungwon down with him, Hoseok let him sit across from himself.   
  
“There is a problem,” Hoseok started, watching his face intently. Hyungwon’s heart picked up instantly at the words, eyes widening and nodding although he already dreaded what the other man’s next words would be.

“Did you find someone better?” he asked quietly to get the thought out already, popping up instantly, especially with how gorgeous Hoseok looked, blonde hair falling a little into his eyes, getting too long.   
  
“Impossible,” Hoseok commented and smiled before returning his serious face. “There have been things happening without me realizing and there have been things happening without you realizing. What I will try to do now, is to put it all together, such that we both have the same information, okay?”

_ Kyungwon told him, he told him that it wasn’t you. Something must have happened after that. _

“This is about K-Kyungwon, isn’t it?” he asked carefully, swallowing whatever built up in his throat and kept the oxygen from entering his lungs properly. There were a lot of things Hoseok might have wanted to say about Kyungwon.

_ But he said that he didn’t find someone better and Kyungwon is definitely better than you. _ __  
__  
“This is fascinating, because Kyungwon would’ve said that it’s about you. Well, either way, we are all involved but I guess I’m unfortunately the center of this mess.” The blonde man sighed and brushed his bangs back. “I know the story with Kyungwon pretending to be you, we’ll talk about that later. First of all, I am confused and conflicted with you both. The reason is simple. Please listen well to this. I am incredibly in love with you, I love you so much and I react to you. Your brother looks the same. He just does. I didn’t even know who the fuck I was kissing and- well you know this story. Back in the club, I couldn’t tell you apart, at all. I felt bad for not being able to recognize you. Your brother told me about the structure of his hip bone but I definitely won’t touch hip bones to tell you apart. That’s the one thing.” Hoseok closed his eyes for a bit, black eyelashes creating tiny shadows on his pale skin.

Hyungwon tried to let the mass of information sink in, to filter out what was important and what wasn’t. The first thing that registered was that he had been right, Kyungwon had told Hoseok what had happened back then, but the response wasn’t what he had expected.

_ He’s telling you that he loves you and feels conflicted because he can’t tell which one is you. _

“Y-you mean that- that you want me, but- but you struggle to figure out which one is me so you are frustrated? You don’t actually want to k-kiss Kyungwon?” he asked eventually, unable to believe that the main source of hesitation had been Hoseok feeling bad for not telling them apart.

_ But it’s so easy, just look at yourself. _ __  
__  
“It’s extremely complicated. I love you and I want you. That’s the easiest one. The problem is, Kyungwon was around me quite a bit in the last couple of days, even his behaviour is sometimes so similar to you that I can’t help reacting because the visual and the movements, small gestures, they’re the same. So today-” Hoseok started and sighed, placing one of his palms in front of his face for a couple of seconds.

_ He cracked and was close to him. _

“You- you t-touched Kyungwon?” he asked and felt how the blood left his face, lips parting and fear developing deep inside his chest, spreading out and making his hands shiver. It was so fucking scary, the knowledge that he couldn’t compare at all as soon as Kyungwon got close enough. “Fuck- I can’t c-compare to that at all- I- oh my god.”   
  
“You are wrong, Hyungwon. You know a person would usually be hurt and all that because their partner was close to someone else, instead you’re thinking about stuff like that. I want to tell you about it, if you’re ready to listen. It’s important.” Hoseok removed his hand and looked him in the eyes.

_ Just listen, you can cry later. _

Hyungwon bit his lip painfully and nodded. Of course Hoseok couldn’t understand his response. He was hurt, of course he was, he was also scared about what might have happened. However, he was being realistic about this, he knew what chances he had whenever he was compared to Kyungwon or had to challenge his brother for someone else’s affection. He lost, he always did.   
  
“One thing in advance, it was a mistake. I consider it something that I shouldn’t have done because it didn’t mean anything and it didn’t solve anything it just made everything more complicated, but I somehow got an answer to some of my questions.” The blonde man shifted on the bed and came a little closer to him.

_ He thinks it’s a mistake, Hyungwon. He doesn’t want to continue acting on it. _   
  
“Kyungwon told me, about the one time I visited you. It was crazy and it felt crazy because everything simply mingled because I was affectionate towards you- I mean him, but I thought it was you, so it felt surreal somehow, and he looked like you and bit his lip and looked to the side, all those things. It’s not an excuse, it’s just how I felt, that doesn’t make it better. He kissed me, I kissed back, we made out, he- wanted me and I wanted him too-” Hoseok swallowed and licked his lips.

_ He slept with him, didn’t he? _

Hyungwon swallowed too, feeling resignation make its way into the messy cocktail that were his emotions. He wouldn’t have understood why Kyungwon would act this way, get close to Hoseok, but knowing that his brother must have developed feelings for his boyfriend made all of this so much harder. Who the fuck was he to argue that his feelings were more meaningful? Or deserved to be returned more? They didn't. He didn’t deserve a single fucking thing.   
  
“I- I took off his jeans, but-” The blonde man brushed his hair back again and closed his eyes. “He wasn’t you, so I pulled them back on.”

Hyungwon’s eyes widened, unable to comprehend the switch in the other man’s retelling of the events.

_ Why the hell would he stop? _

“But- but he’s b-beautiful and his legs are perfectly fine and then there is me- looking- fuck, why would you stop, Hoseok? I don’t understand. Did you feel p-pity suddenly? Realizing that there is also me- b-being the way I am?” His eyes burned a little although there wasn’t a reason to. Hoseok hadn’t gotten what he couldn’t get from Hyungwon from his brother instead, although he easily could have.

_ How the hell did you deserve someone like that? _   
  
“Actually, Kyungwon said the same. Kyungwon said that I’m pitying him. It’s simple actually. I’m in love with you, Hyungwon. I love you, your body and your legs. And I realized it while looking at your brother.” Hoseok looked up, searching for his gaze.

_ He loves you, despite seeing Kyungwon. _

“But- but he likes you,” Hyungwon murmured, disbelieving that Hoseok would still prefer him, despite everything. “I l-love you but who the fuck am I to force you to c-choose me.”   
  
“I know. I was shocked and I hugged him because I really like him, as a person, as a friend who unfortunately happens to have the same face of the person I love. You’re not forcing me, Hyungwon. You’re the only person that doesn’t force me to do anything and I love you so much for that.” The blonde man shifted a little more until he pulled him into his embrace, curling his arms tightly around Hyungwon’s slim body.

That cracked his resolve, tears running down his face although he had no fucking reason to cry. Everything was supposed to be fucking great, Hoseok said he loved him, he didn’t sleep with Kyungwon, he wasn’t leaving him although he probably should have. It was fucking perfect but still Hyungwon wanted to curl up and cry like crazy, bury his face in Hoseok’s shoulder and just wait for everything to be over, unable to deal with the remaining burning in his chest. He hated it, he was so fucking ugly when he cried.   
  
“You’re beautiful, Hyungwon, inside and out,” Hoseok whispered and kissed his tears away, one after the other. “You know, I really thought about this before coming here, it’s like I know your scars and you know mine.”

Hyungwon looked up, sniffing repeatedly because of the way the tears clogged his nose, his surroundings a little blurry, just like Hoseok’s pretty face.

“I- I want to h-heal them and not just know them,” he whispered and sniffed again. “I hate it when I cry, I’m so u-ugly and- and I can’t even see your face p-properly.”   
  
“You’re gorgeous, Hyungwon. You always are, no matter what you do. I really love you so much, I’m sorry for all this mess and I’m sorry for hurting you like this. You deserve to be happy every day. We should talk more because I keep falling into my body related schemes when we see each other, which was also one of the reasons why I react to your brother. You just look the same.” Hoseok kissed his forehead and pulled him on top of his lap.

_ You’re thinking wrong again. You don’t have to give everything up even before it becomes yours, Hyungwon. _

His arms curled around the broad neck instinctively as he buried his head in Hoseok’s shoulder, breathing in the other man’s scent. It resembled coffee and reminded him of the shop that Emma had at the other end of the city, smelling a little like home.

“We should,” he whispered and pressed a kiss to the pale skin below his lips, overwhelmed by the way Hoseok made it impossible to doubt his words, honesty soaking each sound that left the beautiful, curved lips.

_ He really loves you, just like that, even though he knows Kyungwon. _

“I- I looked into the mirror in your apartment. It was- it was the first time in two years,” he whispered quietly, remembering the experience and how shocked he was to see that he looked just like his brother instead of the broken copy.   
  
“I’d love to take pictures of us together, or actually of you. I have an old camera at home and I did photography back in highschool but then I met Ben, and moved here and the passion for it kind of died because I lacked time and resources and the eye for the beautiful. Let’s go on a trip together, to the sea, I want to make a thousand pictures of you,” Hoseok whispered against his lips, supporting each word with a tiny kiss.

Each caress of the warm mouth on his skin sent a small spark through his body, fitting the warmth that returned to his chest, removing the dread and fear that had resided there before. Hoseok was able to make him feel at ease, to forget his own insecurities, at least for a little bit.

_ Maybe it’s just the start. Maybe it will get even better. _

“Let’s go,” Hyungwon whispered, overwhelmed by the touches and affection that the other man drowned him with. “I- I want to be the one to make you happy, Hoseok.”   
  
The blonde man kissed him, soft lips barely pressing together before he leaned back and tilted his head to the side.   
  
“And now I want to know how you got an acting degree? Pretending that it had been you when I asked you things about the time I went to your apartment and got bullshitted by your brother?” Hoseok narrowed his gaze and tightened the grip on his waist.

“W-what?” The question ripped Hyungwon out of his stupor, eyes widening and head lifting properly, staring at Hoseok in shock. “I- I didn’t mean to lie to you- I- Kyungwon he-”

_ Don’t blame Kyungwon. It was perfectly justified that he told Hoseok himself. _

“H-he wanted to tell you himself, so I- I played along. H-he should have told you himself, it was b-better that way.”    
  
“Oh, is that so? So, if Kyungwon had decided that he wanted to tell me in a year, you would’ve played along too? He’s not a saint, Hyungwon, he’s also just a person like you and me and he makes mistakes,” Hoseok exclaimed and leaned in closer.

_ He is, but he is also your brother and asked you not to tell. _

“I know, Hoseok, it’s just- he genuinely asked me not to tell and I p-promised not to. He didn’t manage to tell you the first time and we talked about it. I- I would have reminded him,” he murmured, uncomfortable about the question. Kyungwon had not told him everything back then, leaving out the details that Hoseok had completed later.   
  
“I would still like it if you would tell me things, because it makes me feel left out otherwise, as if there’s something I’m not aware of and that confuses me and makes everything more complicated. Imagine how we both would feel if I didn’t talk to you about it? There would be misunderstandings and we all would get hurt from this, I don’t want that.” His boyfriend pulled him closer and kissed his lips once again.

_ He’s right, you can’t just keep harbouring thoughts and not share them. _

Kyungwon had told him the same back then, that he would have loved to know about his thoughts to help him fight them, show why they were wrong and irrational.

“I’m sorry, Hoseok. I’ll- I’ll share with you, I won’t keep secrets anymore, I promise,” he whispered and licked over his lips, already missing the way the other man’s had felt against his. “I keep forgetting that I need a reality check for some of the stuff my head comes up with.”   
  
“Just open up to me and I will open up to you. I love you. Let’s share it all.” Hoseok kissed him again, so affectionate and tender that he almost forgot where he was.

“We could- we could start with sharing spit,” Hyungwon murmured and felt his face heat up at the way the beautiful blonde man kept making him dizzy and warming up his insides. “You make me f-feel like freshly baked cake. I’m so h-happy although I just cried.” He wasn’t making any sense.   
  
“You know, the more I spend time with you, talk to you and look at you, the more I feel how lucky I am. I love everything about you, Hyungwon. You’re my favourite cake.” Hoseok smiled brightly, like the sun itself.

He couldn’t help but laugh at that, squeezing Hoseok’s upper arm a little and shifting on his lap, smile remaining even when he had caught himself.

“Is that why you always eat me?” he asked cheerfully and couldn’t believe how quickly his perception had changed, from being terrified of losing the other man in front of him, to being so fucking blessed although he hadn’t even done anything to deserve all of this.

_ He chose you, Hyungwon, he was given the decision and chose you. _

_ You can’t be worthless. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
>   
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Life was great. He had been able to work less, which resulted in less money, but on the other hand he didn't feel as stressed as he had before, having enough time for sleeping instead of studying in the night. Hyungwon didn't break up with him after hearing the story of almost fucking his brother, and he had been able to successfully avoid the latter.

_ The actual problem of you reacting doesn't disappear only because you told Hyungwon and try to avoid his brother at all costs. _

_ And he likes you, Hoseok. _

He knew that it was childish but he hoped avoiding interaction would make Kyungwon realize that he actually wasn't all that much and that the handsome man could have literally anybody else. The thought that someone as dominant and demanding as Kyungwon would really fall for him, didn't quite settle in his brain and seemed more like a made up fact.

_ But Hyungwon told you too. He told you that his brother likes you. _

It was a mess, although he knew what he wanted for himself. 

He wanted Hyungwon.

_ Why don't you go there then? _

After the lecture. 

He waited until the professor finished talking and packed his notebook into his backpack, throwing the bottle of water on top and waving at the girls because it was funny how they blushed although everyone that had a little common sense knew that he was gay.

Leaving the lecture hall, he almost got a heart attack spotting the tall, handsome man who could've been Hyungwon, if only he hadn't been leaning against the wall like a fucking model and brushing his hair back in a smooth movement.

“What are you doing here?” Hoseok asked after staring at the other man with his mouth open for a whole minute.

“Waiting for you to be done with lectures while declining people offering me their phone numbers of course,” Kyungwon answered with a grin and pushed his slim body off the wall, stepping in front of Hoseok. “Is this the point at which you suddenly have plans and run off, Hoseok?”

_ Just run. _

He would have, if he hadn’t been sure that the other man would've run after him.

“Uhm I kinda had plans, did you wait for me? Why?” He couldn't help asking after throwing his backpack over his shoulder and focusing on the handsome man's face.

Kyungwon licked over his lips and stepped even closer, tilting his head a little as he examined the expression on Hoseok’s face.

“Because it was the only way to guarantee you won't ditch me, at least not without me grabbing you by the collar.” Curling his long fingers around Hoseok’s wrist the tall man held on tightly. “Why are you avoiding me, Hoseok? Isn't that an absolutely cowardly thing to do?” He looked like Hyungwon again, his eyes wide and lips slightly parted.

_ Did you ditch him? You didn't sleep with him and you just avoid him because of your dumb brain that can't differentiate although they're so fucking different. On the inside. _

“I just don't want to make a mistake. I can be happy Hyungwon didn't throw me out and break up with me after I told him what happened. It's complicated and-” He swallowed and glanced at Kyungwon’s parted lips. “Why would you be interested? It just doesn't make any sense. You can have it all, so I just don't get it. It seems like a prank to me.” Hoseok licked over his lips and pinched Kyungwon’s cheek to loosen the tension. It was unbearable.

The black-haired man slowly raised an eyebrow like he couldn't believe what the fuck Hoseok was actually doing.

“A prank? Do I look like I play with shit like that, Hoseok? I think you're forgetting that I’ve known Hyungwon much longer than you and I'm not an asshole like that. Why would I fuck the person he loves for kicks?” Kyungwon was obviously offended, hand squeezing Hoseok’s wrist mercilessly and big brown eyes widening further the longer he talked. “It's not about having it all, Hoseok. It's about wanting something in particular. You could also have it all and still you want Hyungwon. That's just how it is.”

_ He's right. But it's still crazy. _

“You're telling me that you want me? Is that why you're trying to break my wrist with your stick arms? Stop or I'll throw you over my shoulder, you might be stronger than Hyungwon but you're still a noodle,” Hoseok hissed and peeled the other man's long fingers from his arm.

“Shit, sorry,” Kyungwon muttered and took his hand back, curling it around his own thin, shirt-clad waist and glancing to the side briefly. “I do, but there isn't much I can do if you like Hyungwon, apart from enjoying your company.” He looked a little vulnerable and it made it so much more difficult to differentiate between both men. 

_ Why are you so mean to him? He didn't even do anything apart from liking your useless ass for no reason. _

“I'm the one who's sorry, I'm just not sure what the fuck I am supposed to do in this situation. Let me give you coffee so that we're even and I stop thinking that you did it to feel less guilty.” Hoseok smiled.

_ Why would he be guilty? You were the one who got a blowjob, you should be the guilty one. _

“You don't need to buy me coffee, Hoseok.” Kyungwon smiled but for once it didn't quite reach his eyes as they remained just as big as they had been. “Money is the last thing I need from you, don't be like my parents. Just please stop avoiding me.” Brushing through his non-styled black hair, the tall man stared at Hoseok’s hands, chewing on his cheek.

“Stop dissing my decisions, Kyungwon, of course I don't need to buy you coffee, you fool, I want to, and it will be cheap and you better still be thankful.” Hoseok grinned and took the other man's wrist, pulling him after himself.

“I'm already thankful,” Kyungwon murmured and turned his hand such in Hoseok’s hold that his long fingers intertwined with the other man's.

_ Did he just hold your hand, Hoseok? _

He did, but it wasn't as bad as the last time they met, so he went with it, pulling the tall man after himself. His hand was warm.

_ Maybe he will stop liking you after seeing what you’re really like? _

Hoseok smiled a little at the thought while guiding Kyungwon through the small streets until they both arrived at his apartment. Pulling the key out of his pocket and finally loosening his grip on the other man's hand, he examined Kyungwon's face.

_ He looks like Hyungwon. Duh. _

“I told you it would be cheap, and by cheap I meant I'll go home and make you instant coffee,” Hoseok commented and laughed with his mouth open.

Kyungwon stumbled a little, probably due to the sudden stop and looked up, surprise evident on his features.

“That sounds brilliant, Hoseok,” the black-haired remarked eventually and leaned against the wall with a smile, waiting for Hoseok to open the door.

_ Yeah, brilliant except for the fact that he doesn't like instant coffee. _

He opened the door quickly and waited for Kyungwon to come in. After the other man had entered his apartment, he immediately took off his shoes and moved in the direction of the kitchen, getting two cups out and pouring coffee into them.

“You drink without milk right?”

_ Hyungwon does. _

“Yeah, it better be black like my soul,” Kyungwon replied as he entered the kitchen after him, shoes remaining in the hallway. “Looks like your kitten isn't here today.”

“Thank you for even more confusion, Kihyun is working today and he can be really scary, so you shouldn't get on his bad side,” Hoseok murmured and turned on the kettle. “Want a cookie?” He glanced at the package from the cafe Kihyun had been working at. His best friend had probably brought something sweet for him. As always.

“I don't really like sweet things too much, but thanks,” the black-haired man remarked with a shrug and looked around before smoothly jumping up on the counter and crossing his legs. “How did Hyungwon react? You said you told him and I kinda haven’t seen him since you were at my place.”

“He thought I'd leave him for you,” Hoseok murmured and poured hot water over the coffee, twirling it with a small spoon and gave Kyungwon one of the cups while chewing on his lower lip. “But I managed to persuade him that it's not the case.” Turning around he pulled a package of milk out of the fridge and poured some over his coffee. He hated hot things.

“Of course he thought that,” Kyungwon groaned, big hands curling around the cup and head hitting one of the kitchen cupboards above the counter. “I'm surprised he didn't try to convince you of his own worthlessness and the fact that I'm the better version which is complete bullshit, fuck.”

“I've never thought about it, but how do you actually feel about being called the original, or the better version?” Hoseok leaned against the counter and took a sip of his coffee, glancing at the other man's face.

Kyungwon’s lips turned into a thin line as he pressed them together and turned to the side, looking at Hoseok while still keeping his head resting against the cupboard.

“It's scary,” the other man murmured and breathed in deeply. “It's like I never know what he'll think next, or what I can do or show him without creating some kind of thinking pattern that I won't identify and won't be able to erase later. There is no such thing as the original version, we look similar but we're still two different people but he doesn't get it. Hyungwon puts so much worth into his looks and believes that just because I was lucky to not have skin issues I'm the one mom should have kept. It's just so fucking fucked up.”

The black-haired man's hands were shivering a little as he lifted the small cup to his lips, drinking a bit of the coffee before continuing, eyes focused on the liquid.

“When he was in the clinic I got some counselling too. They explained his thought patterns to me and what I should pay attention to, but it's still fucking terrifying. It feels like I could be the reason for him deciding that he shouldn't exist and I might not even realise, fuck.”

Hoseok was a little shocked at the way Kyungwon held himself, it was so unlike all the other times they've met, he looked devastated and somehow also scared.

_ You know it well. How it feels to be scared. _

“I- my ex-boyfriend died from the consequences of anorexia four years ago. He also didn't tell me that he had pneumonia and I told him I'd come next time- just, just that there had never been a next time after that. Of course it's not a family member and in no way comparable, but I can guess how you must feel about it.” Hoseok swallowed and took a big gulp of his coffee.

“You- you mentioned it when I came here before, asking you to take initiative and to talk to Hyungwon,” the other man said and followed the mechanical action of drinking from his cup, fingers white from how forcefully he held onto it. “I can't even begin to imagine what it must feel like, I always try not to. To be honest, I had enough nightmares of Hyungwon pulling through to last me a lifetime. I told you that he's my second half and I mean it, I don't want him to make the wrong conclusions and be miserable which is why this whole situation is fucking hard on me. I won't jump you or anything equally ridiculous, I just want to see you at least once in a while. Fuck, and I want Hyungwon to be okay at the same time without instantly thinking that you should be with me just because he thinks he's ugly and unable to do anything or whatever else his head comes up with. The fucked up thing is that I know it's mostly biological and he can't help it and that it's irrational, but it still sounds so fucking genuine and real when he says those things. It's hard to think he'll stop thinking them when he feels better.”

It was crazy how helpless Kyungwon seemed, holding onto his coffee cup and biting down on his slightly trembling lower lip.

_ He's suffering from it too. He must feel like shit liking you although he's scared of what Hyungwon might think. _

Hoseok placed his coffee on the counter and turned, pulling the tall man into a hug.

“I'm really sorry for making it worse. I didn't think that you would jump me, I avoided you because I wasn't sure how I would react,” Hoseok whispered and stroked over Kyungwon’s black hair.

“I'm a hypocrite anyway,” the other man murmured and curled his arms around Hoseok’s waist in return, breathing deeply. “I tell you not to avoid me but at the same time I'm avoiding Hyungwon because I can't fucking act in front of him and although he might not say anything he'll probably think his part. Fuck, he probably already figured that I like you while I'm trying to be inconspicuous like a fucking idiot.”

Hoseok sucked in a deep breath and pressed Kyungwon close. He felt the other man's desperation in the tight grip on his waist and the breaths hitting his skin repeatedly.

“He- he knows.”

“Shit." Kyungwon didn't say anything else and merely held onto the fabric of his shirt, plump lips brushing the skin of his neck. Time passed as the black-haired man remained like that, probably thinking about how to deal with the fact that Hyungwon knew. “I'll need to make him believe that it's okay. I don't want him to feel like he needs to give you up or whatever. I don't think you know what kind of fucked up shit he comes up with, Hoseok. It's like he just instantly steps back as soon as I get involved. In middle school Hyungwon liked this kid that hung out with him after school and they did math homework together or whatever and he was too afraid to make a move. I didn't really care much so I offered to find out if the boy was gay, but as soon as I did Hyungwon was absolutely terrified to talk to him and just kept running away, not meeting him anymore. He was convinced that his friend would like me now and that he couldn't compare, terrified of even trying. There hadn't even been any reason to believe that, Hoseok! He just concluded it out of nothing.”

_ He's really scared, isn't he? _

“Don't be afraid, he didn't seem as if he wanted to give me up, he also didn't seem surprised, it'll be fine,” Hoseok whispered and continued stroking over the other man's black hair, feeling the tension in Kyungwon’s body and hoping that he would be able to resolve it.

“I'm glad you think that.” The black-haired man drew a deep breath before loosening the grip on Hoseok’s shirt. “He's stable- I keep forgetting that. He's a lot better, really a lot. In addition he has you who likes him independent of all of his insecurities.” Chucking briefly, Kyungwon let go and brushed through the thick strands of his hair.

“You know, if I was creating patterns like him I might end up feeling self-conscious for having smooth legs for the first time in my life,” the other man remarked with a laugh and drank the rest of his coffee, licking over his lips quickly. “But luckily I know that it has nothing to do with me. I'm glad that you love Hyungwon, I really am, I just wish my emotions would also get the message.”

“You have beautiful legs, you're gorgeous and I react to you a lot. I- don't really know how to behave in a situation like this, I really don't understand why you’d like me and how I can prevent myself from making it worse, I don't want you to be hurt because of me.” He stepped back and let his gaze slide over the other man's features. “Maybe you'll stop liking me if you know me better.”

“Maybe,” Kyungwon said with a shrug, smile slowly making its way along his features, spreading the plump lips and lifting the round cheeks. “Sometimes one needs more than being drop dead gorgeous. I hope Hyungwon will finally see that.” Jumping down from the counter, the black-haired man placed his empty cup into the sink. Opening the tap, he washed over it thoroughly and dried it with one of the fluffy towels that hung on the side. 

“Thank you for the coffee and the attention, I guess I'll get back to my duties,” Kyungwon said as he turned around and made his way to the door frame, leaning against it as he watched Hoseok. “Also thank you for listening to my problems, I usually do that myself.”

Hoseok leaned against the wall next to the door and watched Kyungwon slipping into his shoes that probably cost more than his life.

“You're definitely not the original and also not the better version, but you're special. I like you, Kyungwon.”

“I like you too, Hoseok, for a lot of things but one of them is that you don't bullshit.” There was a bright smile on Kyungwon’s pretty face as he opened the front door. Suddenly, the expression changed as the other man winked at Hoseok with a grin. “Also, fuck you for forcing me to walk all the way back to university.”

“Take a cab, you handsome fucker!” Hoseok yelled after him and grinned.

Maybe there was some way to co-exist without hurting each other.

_

 

He missed Hyungwon. So fucking much that he dreamt about him. Admittedly, he had been unsure first who exactly the handsome man in his dream was, but after a little time passed he had been pretty sure that it had been Hyungwon.

_ You're fucking goals, Hoseok. Not. _

He showered and got dressed, taking the container with the homemade stroopwafels Susan had baked for them and ran out. 

The weather was beautiful, the sun tickled against the skin of his cheeks and he really hoped to not get a sunburn after being outside for the whole five minutes it took to get to Hyungwon's apartment. Arriving at the familiar door he rang the bell, waiting patiently.

There was shuffling which calmed him a little, it was a sign that everything was just the way it was supposed to be. After a short while, the wooden door opened and Hyungwon’s pretty face appeared, eyes widening at the sight of Hoseok and bright smile taking over the black-haired man’s features. It didn’t take long for Hyungwon to lift his big hand and cover his mouth with it, probably embarrassed by the immediate happiness on his face.

“H-Hoseok, you didn’t write that you’d come! I mean- not like you can’t come without writing, you can totally come. I just- I didn’t expect it and now I’m so damn happy.”

“You are indeed the love of my life,” Hoseok exclaimed and slipped under Hyungwon's arm, just like he did before he had too many concerns regarding his own behaviour towards the black-haired man. Slipping out of his shoes, he waved with the blue container in front of Hyungwon's face. “Look, Susan told me to stuff your face with it.”

His boyfriend smiled shyly and came closer, taking a proper look at the box and seeming rather intrigued.  
  
“They look really good, as always. I just ate, but- but I guess I could fit another one or two of those,” Hyungwon said and reached out with his hand, trying to grasp Hoseok’s sleeve. Unfortunately it was exactly when Hoseok slipped out of his second shoe and shifted, such the the other man missed, instantly returning his hand to his side and pretending like he hadn’t wanted to touch Hoseok in the first place.

“Want to touch me? Because I want to touch you too, I can't believe my level of sexual activity is under Kihyun's, this is not okay,” Hoseok commented and pulled the other man down to himself, throwing them both on the carpet and biting into Hyungwon's golden neck playfully.

“I-” Hyungwon began, but stopped because of a loud gasp that left his throat at the impact, in addition to Hoseok’s teeth nibbling on the skin of his neck. “I- I do want to touch you- I just thought-” The beautiful man had both of his palms flat on the carpet as he lay on top of Hoseok, inhaling sharply at the caresses and lifting his hips a little.

“What did you think?” Hoseok licked over his lips before lifting his head a little and licking over Hyungwon's bottom lip.

“I don’t really know when it’s- when it’s a-appropriate and when it isn’t. I don’t w-want to just jump you or s-something, so-” The black-haired man swallowed and glanced to the side, staring at a patch on the carpet and breathing heavily as pink color began to blossom on the pretty cheeks. Hyungwon really reacted to him, with a few touches being absolutely sufficient to get him going. The way the slim hips lifted away from his body was a telltale sign. “I w-want to give you pleasure.”

“Listen, how about ‘I want you to suck me off’ instead? Also, it's always appropriate, can't you see?” Hoseok lifted his hips and brushed Hyungwon's, thereby increasing friction.

“B-but I kinda want you to-” Hyungwon swallowed visibly, holding in the moan that threatened to escape at the way Hoseok pushed their groins together. “To fuck my mouth instead of s-sucking me off.” The beautiful man in his arms blushed even more and leaned in, biting into Hoseok’s collarbone, probably to hide his face and occupy himself with something at the same time. Licking over the spot he had bitten, his boyfriend continued along the little dip, the soft skin of his neck all the way until the earlobe, which he sucked into his pretty mouth. “Y- you know that I love it when you take control.”

_ You love it too. So fucking much. _

“You're perfect, fuck, I will fuck whatever you want me to fuck,” Hoseok groaned and cupped Hyungwon’s ass, pushing him down on himself while thrusting up a little. The action resulted in a low moan from his side and he felt more and more annoyed by all the fabric that separated their bodies.

Hyungwon moaned, hands grabbing the carpet with more force. The other man’s head lifted from Hoseok’s skin and he pressed their lips together, licking inside his mouth. Hyungwon used his arms to rise sufficiently to lift his legs and climb up so that he was seated on top of Hoseok’s lap, licking over his lips repeatedly.

“I- I missed you so much, but I wasn’t sure if- if you want to be close after all that,” Hyungwon breathed out, warm air tickling his cheeks and eyelashes. “P-please touch me- if- if you want to.”   
  
Hoseok wanted him. He wanted him in a way he hadn’t before, being so incredibly greedy out of nowhere.   
  
“I want you,” he hissed and lifted his upper body, pulling Hyungwon’s shirt over his head and attaching his hands to the beautiful, golden body immediately.

The gorgeous black-haired man watched him intently, biting down on his lower lip as the big, brown eyes didn’t leave Hoseok’s face, examining his facial expressions. Blush continued to spread along Hyungwon’s body, coloring the dark skin tone in a pinkish hue.

“Then take me,” the low voice whispered as Hyungwon sat up, thighs on each side of Hoseok’s thick ones and palms flat on his muscular chest. Long fingers were travelling along his midline, dipping in between each rib and stroking over his abdomen. The other man was always so fascinated by his body, eyes wide and body tensing with each touch.    
  
“Undress me.” Hoseok licked over his lips and focused his gaze on Hyungwon’s big, brown orbs while the other man was staring at his lower body.

There was a barely perceivable nod as long fingers travelled further down, arriving at the waistband of his jeans and rubbing along the skin right above it, tracing his visible v-line in awe.

“Y-you’re incredible,” Hyungwon whispered and carefully undid the button and lowered the zipper, eyes widening and darkening at the same time, pupils taking up most of the space. The touches were slow, careful, as the black-haired man let his index finger trace the outline of Hoseok’s erection through his briefs. Sucking his lower lip into his mouth, Hyungwon lifted the waistband of his underwear up and slid it, including the jeans, down Hoseok’s hips, stopping at the thighs.

“Oh god,” the beautiful man whispered and leaned in to place a kiss to the top of Hoseok’s erection, continuing with the sensitive skin right next to it and along his thighs. Pushing the disturbing fabric lower and lower on Hoseok’s legs, he caressed each new revealed inch of pale skin with his plump lips. Hoseok got rid of his t-shirt and remained naked, watching how Hyungwon caressed his body with his pretty pink tongue.   
  
“Shit, you’re so fucking gorgeous. I want to see you naked, Hyungwon.” Hoseok sat up and pulled Hyungwon up, licking into his hot mouth and dipping his fingers under the waistband of the other man’s sweatpants, pulling them down a little.

An attractive gasp left the luscious mouth as the black-haired man’s eyes fluttered shut at the action, legs pulling together to make it easier for Hoseok to undress him. Hyungwon’s large hands settled in the blonde strands of his hair, tugging a little as the other’s big eyes remained closed. Hoseok took it as consent and pulled the sweatpants down, helping Hyungwon out of them and leaving the gorgeous man beautifully naked, sitting on the carpet with his body on display. Just like he loved it the most.   
  
“Shit, you’re so fucking beautiful, I want to kiss and lick and bite every bit of your skin,” Hoseok groaned and went for it, nibbling along Hyungwon’s thigh and sucking one of his hip-bones before working himself up along the other man’s toned stomach.

Beautiful, low gasps continued to rain from Hyungwon’s plump lips as the slim man leaned back on his arms and threw his head back, enjoying every little touch, thighs shivering at the way it made him feel. Hyungwon’s body showed every perception clearly, revealing everything that it enjoyed and basked in, just like the other man’s face was easy to read.

“D-do whatever you l-like, Hoseok,” the black-haired man panted and spread his legs a little, removing his calves from under his thighs to stretch them out to their full length.   
  
“No, not what I like, we’re doing what we both like, you dummy. I definitely want to hear those pretty screams of yours, so you might want to get yourself ready before I’ll go crazy,” Hoseok murmured and bit into Hyungwon’s inner thigh, licking over the red spot right after. A groan left the other man and he leaned back even further, arms barely holding him up as he raised his thigh up and spread his legs, watching the way Hoseok nibbled on his skin with big eyes.

“Y-you’ll have to let me g-go for that, I can’t l-leave on my own like this. I like it w-way too much,” Hyungwon breathed out and fell on his elbows, right leg rising even higher up.   
  
He sucked on the sensitive skin before letting go and pulling Hyungwon up, rising to his feet right after.   
  
“As much as I like the carpet, I’ll wait for you in the bedroom,” he commented and kissed Hyungwon’s pretty, plump lips before turning around and walking towards the room. He heard shuffling sounds as Hyungwon closed himself up in the bathroom while he sat down on the bed and pulled the lube out of the drawer. Shit, he really wanted Hyungwon. A lot. The other man was so incredibly beautiful and kind, he loved the way the black-haired man blushed and showed his insecurities and his shyness to him without any further thought. It was so authentic and Hoseok liked it so fucking much.   
  
_ It’s what makes him so different from everyone you know. He’s so special. _ __  
__  
After a couple of minutes the door opened and Hyungwon came in, tall, lean, naked body on display and covered in small water drops. He looked ethereal, like a creature he didn’t deserve.

“I’m-” Hyungwon began and came closer, chewing on his lip and placing his hands on Hoseok’s shoulders. Climbing up on his lap with the lean thighs surrounding his, the black-haired man inhaled sharply and leaned in to lick along his ear, breaths tickling his skin in quick intervals. “I’m a-all yours.”   
  
Fuck, Hoseok was so fucking lucky.   
  
“And I’m all yours, Hyungwon,” he whispered and let his hands move over the other man’s shoulders and back. Tracing Hyungwon’s spine with his right hand, Hoseok moved further down over the pretty curve of the beautiful man’s lower back before cupping his firm butt with both hands and rolling his body over his own thighs.

“Oh my god,” the black-haired man on his lap muttered and tightened his grip on Hoseok’s muscular shoulders. “Will- will you manhandle me, Hoseok? I- I really like it, I- I even imagined riding your f-fingers like you- like you wanted last time.”   
  
Hoseok’s mind was already going places at the word ‘riding’ and he hissed, but caught himself in the middle.    
  
“I will let you ride my fingers and whatever else you want to ride, but first I want your beautiful mouth around my dick. Would you do it?” Hoseok smiled and licked his lips slowly.

Hyungwon nodded quickly, licking over his lips to moisturize them before slowly sliding down Hoseok’s thighs. He looked so fucking eager again. As soon as the black-haired man was seated between his legs, he curled the fingers of his right hand around Hoseok’s erection and pulled the foreskin back, leaning in to suck at the head. Hyungwon never hesitated much before giving the whole program, sucking intently and making his way down, plump lips tight around him.   
  
He moaned, there were no resources for anything else anyway. His lower body moved forward almost automatically and he sunk his fingers into Hyungwon’s black hair, pulling and pushing him along with the rhythm. The other man relaxed his throat instantly and stopped moving on his own, easily allowing Hoseok to fuck his throat as he liked, moaning at each motion and digging his long fingers into his muscular thighs. After Hyungwon had moaned over his erection, Hoseok used his grip on the other man’s hair to pull him up.   
  
“Now ride me,” he groaned before realizing what he had said. “My fingers I mean,” he added, biting down on his lip with a grin.   
  
_ Your awareness is no fucking joke, Hoseok. Be happy it’s really the person you want to be with. _

The big hands on his thighs applied a little more pressure and Hyungwon licked along the tip of his erection as he stared at him, most likely unaware of how it looked, judging by how distractedly the other man did it. He looked like he prepared himself for his next words, drawing a deep breath, full lips still brushing Hoseok’s dick.

“W-would you- would you also let me ride you?”   
  
_ Shit, you didn’t imagine him saying that, right? _ __  
__  
“I might pass out because of how fucking gorgeous you are, but I don’t know what I would want more at this point,” he answered and pulled the gorgeous black-haired man up until the other was seated on his naked thighs, warmth transcending through their bodies.

“I just- I don’t really know how to do this right, so- I really hope this won’t s-suck for you, Hoseok,” his gorgeous boyfriend whispered as if Hoseok was the main concern, shifting a little on top of him and biting his gorgeous lips. “I really- really want to feel you, I won’t break.”   
  
He curled one arm around Hyungwon’s slim waist and used his free hand to cup the other man’s round chin with his thumb and index finger. Leaning in and kissing the beautiful, red, swollen lips he whispered.   
  
“Listen, this is not about sucking and not about you not being enough or whatever you might think. It’s just that I really want to be close to you, really close, but only if you want it and if you like it. Even if you tell me to fuck off in the middle because you feel uncomfortable or whatever, it’s fine, Hyungwon. It really is. I love you so much, everything you do is enough for me, believe me. My most precious experience is when I see that you sincerely like something I am doing.”

A timid smiled pulled at the corners of Hyungwon’s pretty mouth, long fingers reaching out to stroke along Hoseok’s neck and the naked skin of his chest until they cupped his face.

“I- I really want it, Hoseok,” the beautiful man whispered, voice low and shaking a little, just like the lean thighs on top of him.   
  
“Then ride my fingers first and when you feel like you want more, just tell me,” he murmured and grabbed the lube, coating three fingers and circling one around Hyungwon’s entrance, waiting for the other man to relax his body.

It took a while with how excited the shy man seemed to be, teeth not letting go of his plump lower lip and breathing heavily. Only when the big eyes opened and Hyungwon leaned in to kiss him, did some of the tension leave the black-haired man’s body and he melted into the touch of their lips. Hoseok immediately used the moment to slide a finger inside the hot body on top of his lap, curling it and brushing the sensitive spot he had found in a matter of seconds. Being experienced was a good thing sometimes.

Hyungwon moaned into his mouth, clenching around his finger but relaxing right after, hands pulling at the strands of Hoseok’s hair that they raked through.

“Oh god- I can’t even begin to imagine w-what your- your-” Hyungwon bit his lip and moaned again, throwing his head back a little and lifting his hips to feel more of a slide. “Your dick would f-feel like. Why can’t I f-fucking talk?”   
  
Hyungwon was perfect. That was a fact. Hoseok bit into his smooth neck and traced the bite marks with his tongue while paying attention to the position of his finger before sliding another in.   
  
“You talk just fine, babe. It will feel thick, huge, hot and veiny, I guess.” He grinned against the other man’s shoulder, remembering the way his previous lovers had described the feeling of him being inside them.

“Oh my god,” Hyungwon merely murmured before moaning again. The other man shut himself up by biting down on Hoseok’s earlobe and moved his hips, whimpering around his pale skin with each particularly well-aimed thrust of his fingers.   
  
“Do you want another one?” Hoseok asked and licked the finger on his left hand, reaching for Hyungwon’s nipple and rubbing over it with his wet fingertip.

“Y-yes,” the gorgeous man gasped, letting go of his earlobe. Hyungwon glanced down, looking at the way his own lower body rubbed over Hoseok’s thighs while trying to feel more of the digits inside of him, body responding almost automatically. “You’re- you’re driving me mad, Hoseok, this looks so c-crazy.”   
  
“If you knew how many times I imagined your gorgeous body sliding down on my dick, holy fucking shit,” Hoseok groaned and eased a third finger inside Hyungwon.

“Fuck,” his gorgeous boyfriend cursed and convulsed at the sensation, muscles tensing all over his body and groan leaving his pretty mouth until he finally relaxed again and rested his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. The beautiful sounds were leaving the other man without a break, raining from his lips and filling the spacious bedroom like a chant. “Oh my god- H-Hoseok if you don’t stop- I’ll- I won’t hold out long.”   
  
He leaned in and sucked one of the small nipples into his mouth and nibbled on it while moving his fingers a little slower.   
  
“What do you want, Hyungwon? Do you want me to make you come like this, or?” he asked while licking over the other man’s golden skin.

“N-no,” the black-haired man managed to gasp, eyes wide and watching his face intently, only closing when Hoseok hit the sensitive spot inside of the lean man’s body. “I- I want you inside of me, Hoseok.”   
  
_ Fuck. _ __  
__  
He acted nonchalant and nodded. He had a condom in the back pocket of his jeans but they were still in the living room.   
  
“Do you have condoms here? Otherwise I’ll get one from the living room.” 

Hyungwon nodded shyly, chewing on his cheek and pointing at the same bedside table where Hoseok had taken the lube before, probably in another drawer. The movement caused another spark of pleasure to course through the other man’s body as he gasped again, covering his mouth with his hand like he was embarrassed to moan while they were talking. Hyungwon was fucking beautiful when he felt pleasure.   
  
He finally removed his fingers carefully, wiping them on one of the tissues he had prepared beforehand and reached for the bedside table, opening the bottom drawer and pulling a condom out.   
  
_ It’s XXL, he must’ve gotten it for you. _ __  
__  
“How thoughtful of you, Hyungwon,” he commented and grinned, ripping the package with his teeth.

His guess must have been right as the black-haired man didn’t really look at him and merely played with the sheets next to his legs, curling his hands into them. He appeared nervous.   
  
“Let me lie down and then you can just sit on me, if you want to. I will make you feel really good later, I promise.” Hoseok let himself fall back on the sheets and crawled up, leaning his head on one of the thick pillows. He wanted to see every fucking thing. Rolling the condom over his throbbing dick, he poured lube over it and spread it while giving his erection a couple of strokes.

Hyungwon nodded carefully as he crawled towards him and straddled his lap, slender thighs on each side of his hips and palms flat on his chest. His expression was gorgeous, cheeks a bright pink and lips a little swollen and blood-red from taking his erection a while ago.

“So I just- like- sit down?” the back-haired man asked, hands shivering a little although they were holding onto Hoseok’s chest and should have had enough of a grip. Removing his right hand from its spot on Hoseok’s pecs, Hyungwon curled it around Hoseok’s dick, stroking it carefully while watching the way it looked intently. The other man seemed fascinated and scared at the same time.   
  
“Just relax and be careful because it’s way more than you’re used to, take it easy. Do you want me to hold your hips?” Hoseok asked, stroking over Hyungwon’s gorgeous thighs up to his hip bones. It was a little creepy but he couldn’t help feeling the structure of Hyungwon’s hip-bone to make sure it was the right person although he was absolutely sure.

The action got Hyungwon’s attention as he glanced up, big eyes focusing on his like they were expecting something to happen, something that apparently didn’t as a small smile lifted the corners of the other man’s mouth and he drew a deep breath.

“P-please hold them. I’m not sure- not sure if I’ll hold myself up. I- I don’t really know what to expect after all,” the black-haired man remarked and spread his legs a little further, returning the big brown eyes to the way Hoseok’s dick looked as he lined it up with his slim body. “T-thank god it doesn’t vibrate.”   
  
“It doesn’t.” He chuckled and curled his fingers around Hyungwon’s slim hips, holding them over his erection and waiting for the other man to act. Hyungwon was so attractive as he shifted again before lowering his hips, stopping when Hoseok’s tip was probbing against his entrance. He took another deep breath, glancing up for reassurance.   
  
The feeling of warmth spread further over his body and was simply overwhelming, especially combined with the sight.   
  
“You are stunning, Hyungwon, I’m so fucking lucky,” Hoseok whispered and stroked over the other man’s hips with both thumbs. Sucking his lips into his mouth, Hyungwon moved further, holding onto Hoseok’s erection carefully as the tip breached the impossibly tight body above him, evoking a hiss from the black-haired man’s throat and instantly causing his body to contract, thereby squeezing the living daylights out of Hoseok. He moaned loudly, digging his fingers into Hyungwon’s hips by accident.

The black-haired man had his eyes squeezed shut and exhaled through his nose, visibly realizing that tensing up was not going to make it work as he tried to relax his body. Despite Hyungwon’s attempts and the deep breaths it didn’t get any less tight, especially not when the slim hips slid a little further and the beautiful man basically scratched over his chest subconsciously. Hoseok had major difficulties in holding back and not pushing Hyungwon’s hips down like he really wanted to. Moaning once again in his low voice, he kept staring at the gorgeous man sitting down on him.

“T-this is a tiny bit more d-difficult than it looked,” Hyungwon gasped out and squeezed his eyes shut again, hips sliding downwards painfully slowly and stopping once in a while as the beautiful man tried to get used to it. “I’m just- so fucking thin and- yeah. I’m sorry- fuck, I hope y-you’re okay.”   
  
“You’re so fucking tight that I’m dying but it’s the good dying and ‘I would want to die all the time if I could’ kind of dying, holy fucking shit.” He couldn’t help twitching inside Hyungwon’s body at the tension.

The other man hissed at that, probably a little uncomfortable, but licked over his lips and looked up, watching Hoseok’s facial expression intently. Moving down until he was at about half Hyungwon gasped and didn’t look away from Hoseok’s face for even a second. The black-haired man seemed absolutely overwhelmed by his face and the way he reacted.

“You- you must be feeling really good,” Hyungwon whispered and contracted around him. This time Hoseok couldn’t be sure if it was because of his size or on purpose.   
  
Hyungwon felt so hot and tight it was a real struggle to keep still, but he tried to be patient, knowing that he’d be rewarded afterwards and wanting to make it feel nice for Hyungwon for whom it was a first.   
  
“You bet, I will feel even better if your thighs touch mine.” He exhaled sharply and sucked in another portion of oxygen.

He was met with a short nod as Hyungwon’s body tensed again before sliding down further. Hoseok could see how the black-haired man bit down on his lower lip painfully and sped up, sliding down until he touched his slim thighs against Hoseok’s thick ones and contracted around his erection. The other man’s body was impossibly tight, pulling him in without a break. Heavy breaths were leaving Hyungwon’s lips as he visibly tried to keep his wits, looking a little uncomfortable, eyes shut.   
  
Hoseok tightened his grip on Hyungwon’s hips.   
  
“Does it hurt? Do you want to stop?” Hoseok started worrying, ignoring the fact that Hyungwon felt like a tight volcano and he wanted to move.

The other man shook his head violently and opened his eyes again, watching Hoseok’s face and clenching around him repeatedly.

“J-just a little, but- I know it feels good if you hit right- I’m just- trying to get used to it. I don’t want to stop.” As if his words might not have been enough Hyungwon shook his head again, breathing through his mouth at this point, lips parted. “You’re just- really thick, it feels crazy, much crazier than it looks.”   
  
He bit down on his lip and twitched inside Hyungwon’s body while stroking over both of his beautifully lean thighs.   
  
“I will make you scream from pleasure, I swear,” he whispered and stared at Hyungwon’s handsome face. He wasn’t a delusional person, it wasn’t inherently different or mind-blowing, but the fact that it was Hyungwon, the way the black-haired man talked and looked at him while sitting on top of him made it special. The other man was simply beautiful with his gorgeous body on display. It was like an accumulation of everything Hoseok considered aesthetic in addition to the fact that he was hopelessly gone.   
  
_ You really love him, don’t you? _

 

***  
  


It felt like he was at the sea, wind blowing past his ears loudly and waves crashing in on themselves and his body at the same time. The wind was his own blood, flowing through his veins and drowning him in adrenaline and excitement like large waves as he was barely capable of keeping himself upright. 

Hoseok’s warm hands were holding onto his hips tightly, giving him a little bit of stability without pushing him down or forcing him to speed up. But Hyungwon wanted to, he wanted to make the other man feel good and keep watching the expression of liquid bliss on the gorgeous face, the way Hoseok’s eyes rolled up until they managed to focus again. He could have watched the same expression forever, following each twitch of the curved lips and lick of Hoseok’s pink tongue with his eyes.

It hurt a little, it would have been a lie to claim anything else, but Hyungwon knew that it was supposed to get better, he just had to get used to it. The way the blonde man below him reacted, already helped greatly with forgetting that sinking down on somebody’s dick for the first time wasn’t as easy as it had always looked in porn, not at all. He wasn’t even sure if he was doing it right, but something told him that Hoseok would have pointed it out and helped him correct his actions if they had been wrong. Instead, the gorgeous man inhaled repeatedly and twitched inside of him, visibly unable to help it and affected by the way Hyungwon’s body must have felt around him.

_ He’s so beautiful. _

When Hoseok moaned that he would feel even better if their thighs touched, Hyungwon couldn’t help the wish to see it, to do as the other man said and make him feel even better. Biting down on his lower lip painfully, he focused on the burning sensation between his teeth instead of the unpleasant stretch of his body, watching the way the other man’s prettily shaped eyes opened a little wider before fluttering close. Hoseok licked his lips so frequently that Hyungwon counted the intervals to distract himself. It took six seconds for the blonde to lick over his red bottom lip, follow the outline and dip into the curved up corners before the pink tongue disappeared again. It was fascinating and almost enough to forget that he was fucking nervous and could see the way tiny scars littered his legs, appearing imperfect compared to the blemishless, pale skin of Hoseok’s hips and sides. It looked like silver, like something precious.

_ But he doesn’t mind at all, not in the slightest. _

Nothing had changed. The blonde man still looked at him like he was ethereal and everything he had ever wanted and more, emotion clear as day although Hyungwon wasn’t even particularly good at what he was doing.

When his slim thighs finally touched the muscular pale ones below him, he almost fell forward, only stopping because Hoseok filled him out enough to keep him in place and paralyze his movements at the same time, sensation absolutely crazy and somehow overwhelming despite the remaining unpleasantness of the stretch. He panicked a little when Hoseok asked him to stop, instantly denying and trying to show his knowledge that the strain wouldn’t stay. He knew, he knew it all but it just always seemed easier to watch than to do.

When the burning turned into a throbbing in the background, Hyungwon bit down on his lower lip and exhaled slowly, watching the expression on the blonde man’s face and hoping that he would be able to make it stay.

“I’m- I’m taller than you, but like this-” he began and gasped again as Hoseok twitched, filling him out further and moving in the tight space of his body. The motion sent a small spark of pleasure through him with the way he shifted, surprising him a little. Hyungwon wanted to feel it again, to forget the throbbing, but he also didn’t want to be too obvious, so he just held his breath, trying to finish his sentence. “Like this I look so- so small somehow.”   
  
“You look gorgeous. Are- you okay?” Hoseok whispered, biting down on his own lip and letting his gaze slide over Hyungwon’s body on top of him.

Hyungwon nodded quickly, inhaling sharply again. Having the ability to look at Hoseok while he sank down on the other man made it impossible to not be okay. Watching the blonde man intently, he pressed his fingertips into the firm muscles of Hoseok’s chest, brushing over it and rolling a nipple with his index finger, seeing whether it had an effect and made Hoseok feel good. He wanted him to moan with pleasure, drown like he did when he fucked Hyungwon’s mouth without restraint.   
  
“You- you are so tight, your body is heaven, fuck,” Hoseok muttered and shifted under him, twitching inside him once again.

_ Stop torturing him and move, Hyungwon. _

Sucking air into his lungs and holding it there, Hyungwon pressed down further on the other man’s chest and used the strength to lift his hips a few centimeters, sending the same slight burn through his body that centered at his middle. He didn’t want to make too much noise and make Hoseok worry again so he held his breath, only scratching over the sensitive pale skin. The motion hurt a little but the expression on Hoseok’s face was worth it all. He must’ve been obvious as the blonde man exhaled sharply through his parted lips and looked at him through his big, round eyes, lifting one hand and reaching for his mouth. Hoseok isolated a finger and sucked on it before repeating the motion with the other digits on his hand before reaching between Hyungwon’s legs and curling his warm, wet fingers around his dick, squeezing it a little.

_ Oh god. _

The sensations were conflicting, pleasure centering at his groin and distracting him from the remaining stretch. It didn’t disappear completely but it mattered less somehow, like the pleasure was more relevant and deserved more attention. The arousal that had moved to the back during the whole process of easing himself down began building quickly like it had never even left.

“This-” he tried and lifted up a little more, wincing shortly before getting distracted by the hand around his erection and moaning again. “This is r-really conflicting, oh god.”   
  
“I know my size is no joke, but it’s also extra nice, your body just has to adjust to it. It’s always better to adjust while getting your dick stroked,” Hoseok commented and grinned, before opening his mouth and letting out a low moan at the way Hyungwon had shifted on top of him.

Hyungwon nodded because Hoseok was obviously right, making the whole thing so much easier as he barely realized that he had slid up until the tip again, hissing a little because it was the thickest part and sliding back down again. As soon as their thighs touched he gasped, quickly followed by a moan from the way Hoseok squeezed his erection in response.

“I- I want to hit,” he whispered, too fucking shy to say it louder but also not really sure what exactly was the right angle. Hoseok had always found it without even letting Hyungwon think a single coherent thought, making him moan and scream and slide down the fucking wall. “I- I like your size, it- it looks really crazy.”

_ He’s gorgeous and you look beautiful on top of him. _

Hyungwon looked down, examining the way Hoseok’s pale hand slid over his erection, slow but precise. Their skin colors were so different, like slightly tainted gold intermixing with silver, not quite as precious but still beautiful, just like his slim thighs seemed almost made to shift on top of Hoseok’s muscular ones.   
  
“Fuck, you’re driving me crazy, let me make you feel good,” the other man groaned and let his dick go, grabbing his hips instead and pulling him further towards himself. Hoseok lifted him with both hands and rolled his body over his own thick erection, thrusting up in the process and moaning in his incredibly low voice.

The sensation was simply crazy, like paralysing pleasure that developed at his middle and just spread out to the sides, instantly forcing him to moan loudly and throw his head back as he scratched over Hoseok’s chest involuntarily. The throbbing remained and got stronger, especially when the pleasure moved to the back, but it was barely perceivable with the dominant wish to feel the same kind of spark again, to set his body on fire with the pleasure.

“A-again, please- again,” he muttered as his eyes fluttered shut and he shifted his hips on top of Hoseok, hating the way he couldn’t recreate the same feeling, throbbing distracting him again. He wanted the strong hands to just stay at his hips and move him as they liked, set him ablaze like a fucking candle.

_ You’re pretty when you burn, Hyungwon. _   
  
Hoseok complied immediately, repeating the same movements again and moaning loudly. After a couple of times he stopped and stared up at him.   
  
“Do you want me to make you scream, Hyungwon?” The other man licked over his lips and didn’t blink, not even once.

_ He’ll drive you mad. _

His lips were parted, releasing shaky breaths as his thighs shivered from the remnants of the sensations that had passed through his body, causing goosebumps to spread over his skin.

“I- I do,” he whispered, feeling how the excitement returned full force, the anticipation of what was about to happen, what Hoseok could possibly do. It didn’t even matter what exactly the blonde man planned, the intense expression and the beautiful, almost black eyes were enough to send further sparks to his groan. “M-make me scream.”   
  
Hoseok nodded and lifted him with his strong arms, fullness making room for emptiness and soft sheets materializing under his back. The other man’s handsome face appeared in his sight as Hoseok licked into his mouth, exploring and seeming so incredibly eager somehow.

Hyungwon tried to return the touches as much as he could, curling his arms around Hoseok’s neck and pulling the broad man closer to himself, inhaling the sweet scent of shower gel and freshly washed clothes. It seemed unfamiliar to feel so empty after being so full, enough to want to return the sensation.

“I- I feel so empty now,” he whispered against the curved lips, licking between them and spreading his legs to accommodate Hoseok between them. “C-can’t you- fill me up again?”   
  
“Shit, you’re fucking sin, fuck my life,” Hoseok hissed and curled his warm fingers around his slim thighs, pulling them up and placing his calves on his own muscular shoulders, hereby bending him. He could feel Hoseok’s warm tip pressing against him as the other man pushed himself in slowly. The stretch was not as much and the position seemed a little easier to deal with.

“Fuck-” he cursed, not because of pain this time but because he fucking loved lying below Hoseok and have the other man bend him in half. It was exactly what he had wanted and imagined. The real thing didn’t do his imagination any justice, eyes jumping from the way Hoseok’s biceps bulged to the gaze in the other man’s eyes, pale chest almost touching his with how close he got. Biting down on his lower lip he couldn’t help but place his hands above his head, liking the way it made him feel, like the other man was the one who decided what happened next, setting him on fire and burning him to the ground at his whim. “D-do as you like, Hoseok- p-please.”   
  
“You’re the most gorgeous person I’ve ever met, your body, oh my fucking god,” Hoseok murmured and moaned, bridging the last couple of centimeters quickly. After lifting his hips with both hands, the other man moved back and thrust into his body. It wasn’t rough, but it was much faster than he had managed to move on top of Hoseok’s lap, the angle was heaven.

Hyungwon moaned loudly, eyes shutting at the pleasure and hips pushing against the blonde’s almost automatically and without his consent. His hands curled up as his long fingers dug into his own palms and he wanted Hoseok to do it again. And again. And again.

“Oh- oh god- ag-” He couldn’t get it out, vision blurring and back arching to meet the next thrust as soon as Hoseok decided to bless him with it, mind getting hazy and arousal replacing the throbbing pain, almost overwhelming in its intensity. Shit, he wanted to come so much, have Hoseok touch him while moaning in that low voice of his, telling him he was gorgeous and making him feel good. “I want you- I want you so much.”   
  
“And I want you, you feel absolutely amazing, Hyungwon, shit, I don’t even know where to look, you make me go absolutely crazy,” Hoseok finished his random outflow of words and started moving faster, bending him more and hitting more precisely, probably on purpose.

It was impossible to contain the screams that developed deep inside his chest, leaving his lips with each shock of pleasure that passed through his slim body. His vision was blurry but good enough to see the way the pale muscles moved, contracting to thrust into him quickly, pushing against the sensitive spot and making him forget that pain had even been present in the first place.

“Shit- fuck me, Hoseok,” he groaned and covered his lips with his palm, losing his shit and forgetting what he was supposed to say and what not, tingling spreading out each time Hoseok slipped back, just to throw everything out of the window again by hitting perfectly. It felt so fucking good and Hyungwon didn’t want it to stop, ever. “Fuck, I love it so much, fuck.” Screaming again he bit down on his index finger, hoping it would finally shut him up as Hoseok almost pushed his slim thighs to his chest, moving his firm hips smoothly.    
  
Going a little slower, Hoseok leaned in and licked into his mouth, while burying himself deep inside his body. Hyungwon felt how the other man’s arms pinned him to the mattress, broad chest hovering over his own and pressing him down a little. He loved it, he loved it so fucking much.   
  
“I will show you more next time,” Hoseok whispered into his ear while a sweat drop fell from the blonde head on top of his naked shoulder. His erection twitched at the words mixed with the way the other man pushed him down, weight resting on his slim body and showing him exactly what he liked, fuck.

“P- please do,” he whispered and felt his legs shake, chest rising and falling quickly as he wanted more, to have Hoseok hold his hands while he fucked him into the mattress.   
  
“Do you want me to fuck you, Hyungwon?” Hoseok asked with a smile, licking over his lips slowly and piercing him with his dark gaze.

He had already nodded when he registered the question, eyes widening at his own automatic behaviour and the way his body showed every thought that developed in his head without delay. There was nothing that he wanted more than to feel Hoseok inside of him and drown in the pleasure, seeing how the other man loved his body and how it felt around him. He moaned quietly, mouth parting as he stared at the way the pretty lips curved up and he dark gaze ate him up with each passing second. Hyungwon wanted Hoseok to eat him like the favourite cake that the other had said he was.   
  
The other man leaned back a little and curled his fingers around his slim hips. Picking up pace, Hoseok slammed his hips into him, curses and beautiful moans leaving the other man’s pretty mouth. Hoseok’s muscular body was covered in sweat which made it even more attractive, the way it moved just to give Hyungwon and himself overwhelming pleasure. He suddenly felt the other man’s strong fingers around his erection, stroking it coordinated with the thrusts of the broad hips.

The combination was too much as his body spasmed, contracting around Hoseok repeatedly as he released himself on top of the other man's hands and his own chest with a loud scream, vision turning white for a few seconds. Even when the air returned to his lungs and Hoseok’s pretty face became recognizable again there were small spots of light littering his sight, fitting to the tingling that slipped along his legs and centred at his groin.

The other man looked so gorgeous, covered in sweat and curved lips parted, releasing heavy breaths.

“I-" he whispered and brushed a sweaty strand of hair behind Hoseok’s ear. “I want to see you feel g-good, to see you come because of me.”    
  
Hoseok nodded and grabbed a tissue, wiping his hand and Hyungwon’s stomach real quick, before throwing everything aside and thrusting into his body repeatedly. The sensation was different, a little bit like stroking himself through sensitivity, but it was absolutely worth it because of the pleasure on the other man's face, taking over his features and soaking each sound that left his mouth. It wasn’t as rough as before and also not as fast. Hoseok had kept his eyes open and watched his face and his body, moans getting louder as the other man’s muscles tensed and he buried himself deep inside Hyungwon’s body, twitching inside him repeatedly. 

_ You make him feel this way, Hyungwon. It's because of you.  _   
  
“Shit, you’re ethereal.” Hoseok fell forwards and landed on his stretched out arms, right over his face.

“You're so beautiful when you come, I want to see it everyday, engrave it into my iris and replay it whenever I feel sad,” Hyungwon murmured and continued to stroke over the blonde hair, still overwhelmed that Hoseok had wanted to be this close to him and still call him beautiful and feel just as overwhelmed although the experience shouldn't have been that new to him.

_ It's because it's you. He loves you. _

“I don't think- I don't think I've ever been in love like this,” he exhaled softly and couldn't help the smile that spread his lips, emotions filling him out despite the uncomfortable feeling that returned to his body. It didn't matter because the other man felt the same and hadn't changed his mind, even though Hyungwon was in no way experienced or talented.   
  
“Me neither, thank you so much,” Hoseok whispered and kissed him tenderly, hot lips moving against his and tasting a little salty. “It felt so good, fuck, I won’t ever forget.”

“The crazy thing is that there is no reason to love me but you somehow do and it makes me so happy that I can't even express it.” The change in emotions was so sudden that Hyungwon couldn't help the shock at the tears that burned in the corners of his eyes, developing without a warning. “It's just- there are so many things to dislike but then there is you, looking at me like I'm a treasure and you look so genuine and it's hard to believe but somehow I can tell that it's true and then I just-" He inhaled sharply, feeling his nose clog up and fingers begin to shake a little as they held onto Hoseok’s shoulders, unprepared for his emotional outburst. “Fuck- I l-love you so much and I'm so fucking sorry for having this outburst now when you're- I'm sorry.” He whimpered and hid his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck, heels pressing down on the smooth skin to have the other man closer.

_ Only you could get emotional while having a dick inside of you, why are you like this? Stop being so embarrassing. _   
  
“It’s okay, Hyungwon. Give me ten seconds, I’ll get rid of the condom and then I’ll cuddle you and stroke your hair and tell you that you’re the most beautiful person on earth, just like you deserve.” Hoseok leaned down to kiss his forehead and slipped out of him slowly, leaving emptiness. The other man hadn’t been joking as he really came back after a couple of moments, wiping over Hyungwon's thighs and placing small kisses along them, just like he liked doing. After throwing everything away, Hoseok let himself fall on the sheets next to him and curled both arms around his slim body. It felt surreal, the closeness paired with the remaining heat of his body, heart beating fast.   
  
“I love you. I love you so much and I wish you knew. Your face is stunning and your body is beautiful, how you blush and how you stutter, how you look at me as if I’m all that. You make me so incredibly happy, Hyungwon, you don’t even know. You make me like myself,” Hoseok whispered the words against the shell of his ear, pressing him closer.

_ He takes your insecurities and keeps proving them wrong, one by one, because he really likes you like this. No one else feels that way about you but Hoseok does. _

“You- you make me feel like I'm worth something, Hoseok. Like I should be here just because I can see that expression on your face, see how much you care for me although I'm nothing.” His voice trembled as the tears still threatened to spill from his eyes. His body burned but it wasn't the unpleasant soreness of his lower body at all, he could have taken that easily but the burning in his chest was so much worse. Emotions were so good at eating him up from the inside. “I'm- I'm not crying because you hurt me- y- you didn't- I loved it, so so much. P- please don't stop touching me, I need it so much.”

_ Don't force him into anything just because you are afraid to be without him. _

Hoseok intertwined their legs and kissed him. Placing small, soft kisses on his lips, cheeks and nose, the blonde man smiled at him.

“I really want to make you happy, Hyungwon,” he whispered.

“You do, you make me so fucking happy that I cry after sex like a w-weirdo. Why can't I just be normal for fuck’s sake?” Hyungwon exclaimed in frustration and pressed the other man as tightly to his body as he could, which wasn't very much to be fair. He was a stick and sticks weren't particularly strong. Trying to get more comfortable, he shifted which sent a needle like pain through his lower back, forcing a gasp out of him. “Ouch.”

“Does it hurt? It probably does, the first time is hard because you can't control the muscles. It gets better when you learn to relax it, you can play with toys, it helps,” Hoseok explained and stroked over his back, tracing the curve of his butt. “But your body is absolutely gorgeous.”

Hyungwon couldn't help but feel shy at the conversation topic. Talking about having to learn to relax his ass was kinda- strange. The blood rushed to his face instantly, probably colouring his cheeks red and making him resemble a tomato.

“T-thank you,” he stuttered and decided not to comment on whether he was in pain. He kinda was, a little at least, a little that would get big as soon as he moved but he’d had worse and it was totally worth it. Lying naked in the other man's arms made him realise a rather important fact.

“Oh my god I had sex,” Hyungwon muttered, baffled at the facts while realizing that he just said it out loud, right into Hoseok’s ear. “Oh god.” Clasping his palm over his eyes and mouth he silently hoped to fall through the bed and turn into cat hair or something equally inconspicuous.

“Oh my god, I had sex, for the first time in like three months. I'm glad I didn't forget how to do it. I was a little dumb for letting you sit on me, I should've played a little more and do it missionary for the start, but I swear it'll be better next time.” Hoseok shifted, leaving even less space between them.

_ You tortured him like a priest for three months. _

“Oh god, I'm so sorry Hoseok, that's why I kept saying that you should just s-sleep with someone pretty to not suffer because of me. Fuck- I'm so sorry.” His eyes widened at his own words, remembering the way Hoseok had reacted the last time he told the blonde man to sleep with someone else. He swallowed and raked his fingers through soft blonde strands. “I- I liked sitting on top of y-you. I could see your face and the way you reacted and you seemed to- seemed to feel so good inside of me. I want you to feel that good a-all the time.”   
  
“Did you just tell me to go sleep with someone else? Are you kidding me, Hyungwon?” Hoseok leaned back and stared at him, eyes narrowed and expression somehow dangerous.

_ Are you kidding him, Hyungwon? Why do you keep saying things like that? It's bullshit, you don't want him to be with someone else, you want him to be yours. _

He did, Hyungwon was just so fucking terrified that he wouldn't be enough for the blonde man, wouldn't be able to satisfy him and make him happy. Hoseok was giving him so fucking much, helping him with his confidence but was he really enough?

“Did you- meet Kyungwon lately? Have you guys talked?” Hoseok asked suddenly, looking a little worried.

Hyungwon chewed on his lip, remembering how Kyungwon hadn't visited the whole week, neither to bring food nor money as he usually would have. It was strange and more than worrisome but Hyungwon was too afraid to contact him first, he just couldn't do it.

_ He's not okay and you're lying here having a great time. _

“I- I haven't seen him, he- he didn't visit,” he forced out and couldn't help the cold shudder that slipped down his back, panic bubbling in his chest and preparing to spread out.   
  
“Mhm, I see. I think you two should talk,” Hoseok murmured and stoked over his back absentmindedly.

_ What the fuck is wrong with you, Hyungwon? Your brother is suffering, your boyfriend was suffering and you're suddenly pretending that you're all that. _

He swallowed and forced his facial features to relax, to not betray his internal turmoil.

“Y-yeah,” he whispered. “I should.”

_

 

He should have, but instead Hyungwon spent a whole week staring at the dark brown colour of his wooden door, ignoring the rather insistent voice of reason in his head that told him that calling his brother would have been simpler.

_ But you're scared, scared that he's upset and it's your fault. _

Hyungwon wasn't quite sure when the positions had changed, when the hissing voice in his head that told him he was worthless turned into the real one, the one that occupied his thoughts and seemed to sound like the truth. He must have been an idiot to believe the other one, to believe that everything was going to be fine. Absolutely nothing was fine. 

He hadn't contacted Hoseok, nothing beyond the typical messages that he was fine and busy. It was bullshit. He wasn't busy at all, he was at home and waiting for his brother to walk through that wooden door of his and tell him that everything was fine although it fucking wasn't. 

_ You wouldn't believe him anyway, Hyungwon. _

The voice in his head wasn't the only thing that switched, Kyungwon’s and his position did too. 

_ Since when are you the one who has something that he wants? Isn't it the other way around? _

It should have been the other way around.

Hyungwon wasn't quite sure what day it was but it also wasn't relevant, it could have been any day, really. It only mattered that Kyungwon should have come and brought food, complained about having no parking space for his huge ass car although Amsterdam was a bike city and how much he wanted to dress Hyungwon in pretty clothes and spoil him.

Instead there was just nothing.

_ Maybe he hates you now, Hyungwon. You took something that should have been his. _

It made sense, if Hyungwon had been his brother he'd also hate him, for a lot of things.

It hurt because Kyungwon was the closest person to him, his better self.

The sudden insertion of a key into the keyhole forced him out of his trace, blurry vision focusing on the brown door that suddenly opened, just like Hyungwon had imagined it doing countless of times.

_ You probably started hallucinating. It was just a matter of time until you’d completely lose it. _

“Why are you sitting on the carpet, Won?” the familiar voice asked, sounding much more real than his mind could have made up. It was a little like his own on a good day, not shaky and stable in its tones.

Hyungwon glanced up, focusing his eyes on his brother’s long body, tight jeans hugging the other's legs just right. His ridiculously gorgeous legs. Kyungwon was dressed well as always, white shirt sticking to his chest a little because it was hot outside. Reaching the pretty face, the one that was supposed to look like his, Hyungwon couldn't help but stop at the thicker layer of make-up on his brother’s face. He was covering up dark circles under his eyes and his lips were a little cracked.

_ He's not okay, he's not fucking okay, Hyungwon. You stupid piece of shit. Why would you be happy if he isn't? _

Hyungwon swallowed, feeling the way the fear burned in his chest, the fear that Kyungwon was just as unhappy as he had thought, devastated about not having something that should have been his.

“I-" he began but couldn't finish, hands shaking and pain in his chest unbearable, hitting him full force out of nowhere as if it just waited for a moment of weakness to take over him, pull him under water and strangle him with its bare hands. 

“Shit,” Kyungwon cursed as the previously calm eyes opened wide. The black-haired man sank to his naked knees, visible through the rips in the tight jeans. Familiar hands curled around Hyungwon's upper arms and his brother shook him, trying to get his attention. “Are you okay, Hyungwon? What happened?”

_ You making him miserable happened. You disgusting spark of dust, thinking you're all that. _

“Mmh,” Hyungwon hummed, unable to motivate himself to say any more, it hurt too much. He just wanted to disappear and make space, space that Kyungwon could easily fill out, replace him and make everything so much better. 

_ Aren't you just stealing from him? You never did before, so why would you do it now? _

He forced the corners of his mouth upwards, impersonating a smile as he put his palms on Kyungwon's thighs, rubbing up and down in a soothing motion. He had to make the other believe he was okay.

_ You always need to make sure everything is fine before disappearing, you can't disappear just like that. There are responsibilities. _

“And you? Are you okay?” he forced out and reached for Kyungwon’s slim waist, pulling his brother closer and hoping to compensate at least a little bit for the horrible things he kept doing, hurting Kyungwon although he had no fucking right to.

“Sure, I brought you food and wanted to make pancakes,” Kyungwon replied, hugging back but seeming a little hesitant. “But I'm also not the one sitting on the carpet. Is it because of me, Won? It is, isn't it?”

_ Why would he hug you if you hurt him like that? _

“No, everything you do is perfectly justified, I have nothing to blame you for.” He shook his head and stroked over his brother's freshly washed hair. It always smelt so nice. Unlike his, sticking out in all directions while trying to justify his existence.

“You- you scare me, Won,” Kyungwon whispered suddenly, pulling him forward until he almost lay on his brother’s lap, staring at his eyes intently like he tried to find something. “I'm in love with your boyfriend, this isn't just something you can shrug off, I know you.”

The dark eyes narrowed a little and his arms pulled him even closer, caressing his skin through the fabric of his t-shirt.

_ He's in love with him. It's not just liking, he's actually in love with him.  _

_ Just like you. _

“We're really twins aren't we,” Hyungwon whispered and pressed himself closer, falsely believing that the body contact would make Kyungwon feel better. Usually it did, but then again, they had never been in love with the same person before. “Even falling in love with the same person.”

_ He never fell in love before, maybe it was meant to be the same person. _

Kyungwon chuckled and brushed over his hair. Had he not been perfectly tuned to his brother's body language, he might have believed that it was okay, but it wasn't. The black-haired man sounded strained, aware of their stressful situation and how unfavourable it was for him.

_ Why does Hoseok love you back when he should love him back? _

“But you're the lucky one, Hyungwon. Hoseok loves you back, he loves you so fucking much. I'm happy for you. I really am. You probably think that I'm bullshitting you but I'm not. Of course I wish I could be you, but that doesn't make me any less happy for you.” Long fingers continued to stroke over his hair as Kyungwon spoke, as if the action made it easier.

The other man sounded genuine and Hyungwon believed him, it was just a lie that Kyungwon was okay with the situation.

_ He's happy because he loves you but not having Hoseok hurts him. Everytime he sees you being happy and kissing Hoseok, Kyungwon is going to be in pain. _

Hyungwon still remembered what it had felt like, wanting somebody that wasn't his to have, seeing the person he loved being kissed by someone else.

_ It was the same back then, when you saw him kiss Hoseok. He must be feeling the same pain you felt. _

“I- I want you to be happy, Kyungwon, I- I can't bear to have you feel the same way I felt back then. You're not meant to feel like this you're-"  _ Too perfect. _ “You're too important to me.”

His brother frowned, chewing on his cheek like he did when Hyungwon said something uncomfortable. The other pulled him flush against his own chest, scent of the expensive cologne Kyungwon used filling his nose.

“It's okay, Hyungwon. It's not that bad, I'll be fine. Hoseok is such a wonderful human that I'm glad to be friends with someone like him. He's very caring and gives his all. I'm glad you have someone like him to care for you.” A small smile passed over the partially cracked lips before Kyungwon pressed a kiss to Hyungwon's cheek. “I just wish he had a twin.”

_ He really loves him. He never really loved anybody before but Hoseok got to him.  _

_ You're taking away the only person he's ever loved. _

_ You monster. _

Kyungwon inhaled sharply and continued talking, stroking from Hyungwon's back to his thigh and back again, appearing in thought.

“You know, I usually hate it when people make me feel weak or see me break down, because my tears are fucking mine to deal with and not some pathetic excuse of a good human. But there is something about Hoseok, like he really means it when he holds you, making you feel better through his presence alone. It's kinda magical I guess, I've never really felt like that about anybody.” As if he spoke too much his brother chuckled again. “I’d be glad if you let me be his friend.”

_ Who the fuck are you to forbid that? Hoseok was giving him what he needs and you're ruining it all.  _

_ Don't make him worry about you on top of that. _

Hyungwon smiled and reached out, pinching his brother's cheek similar to the way Hoseok had done to him, sending a painful stab to his chest.

_ You're taking his place. It should have been him but here you are, taking it all away. _

“Of course you can be his friend, I'm happy when you're happy, Kyungwon,” he muttered, still smiling. “Did you sleep badly?”

His brother swallowed but smiled back, ruffling up his hair.

“Y-yeah- there's just a lot going on, lots of workload and mom wants things, the usual. Nothing you should have to worry about.” The other man spoke quickly, hands massaging his forearm in the process and lips pulling together once in a while. 

_ He's lying. He finished the most important lectures two weeks ago and your parents are on holiday and never write. _

_ That's not the reason for his misery. _

It was him, Kyungwon was miserable because of him. There was no other way, nothing else that could have explained the lack of sleep and worry on his brother’s face, the way the big eyes stared at him like they tried to understand how someone like Hoseok could have chosen him.

Hyungwon didn't know himself, there was nothing to speak for it, nothing at all. None of his qualities were able to override his imperfections or the way Kyungwon was better than him, the perfect version.

“Sounds tough,” he replied, still smiling and trying to hide the burning in his chest, eating him up the more time passed. All the signs were clear, the body language, the bloodshot eyes, the strained smile. 

_ He looked the same when he worried about you, scared you would leave.  _

But it wasn't the same anymore, this time Hyungwon was the one to cause the hurt again, by taking away what shouldn't have been his in the first place.

_ It's all your fault. _

Standing up, Kyungwon smiled again and pulled Hyungwon to his feet too, curling an arm around his waist and holding onto him tightly. It seemed like the other man was afraid that he'd just disappear. But disappearing wasn't that easy.

“Come on,” the black-haired man exclaimed, walking to the kitchen while still holding onto Hyungwon. “I'll make you some pancakes and life will be great.”

He nodded, forcing out a smile and watching the way the pretty man let go of him and began preparing the ingredients, moving quickly, as if he wanted to finish it fast and be done.

The longer Hyungwon watched him, the more a thought began to take over his thoughts, sounding more and more like a solution.

_ Maybe you should just disappear, Hyungwon. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 31st of August at 2 PM CET.
> 
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>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
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The days seemed a little strange the more time passed. He hadn't seen Hyungwon after they had sex a week ago. His boyfriend just answered his messages with smileys and statements that he was fine but busy.

_ But what can he be busy with? _

Hoseok got suspicious as the days went by and it had been just an additional confirmation of his weird gut feeling when Hyungwon stopped answering him at some point. He wanted to know whether the brothers had finally talked about their strange three-way affective relationship and how Hyungwon had reacted to his brother liking his boyfriend.

_ He thinks that Kyungwon deserves everything, there is no way he will be completely okay after hearing it. _

Hyungwon was not okay. Hoseok had visited thrice but nobody had opened the door. There had been no shuffling and no noise, it was scary.

_ What if he did something, Hoseok? You have to get help. _

He came back from another fruitless attempt to get a hold of his boyfriend and made coffee, contemplating on what to do.

“What if something happened? I don't even know if he's okay, he doesn't pick up his phone, nothing, there's just nothing,” Hoseok murmured in the direction of his best friend who was eating his cereal at the small kitchen table.

Kihyun hummed and chewed slowly, before swallowing and looking up at him.

“Don't you think his mental brother would have contacted you? Isn't he also head over heels in love with your angel-like ass? He'd definitely tell you if something was up.” The brown-haired man shoved another big spoon into his mouth and chewed, making loud noises in the process.

_ He's right. Kyungwon would've told you, just like last time.  _

Hoseok smiled and sipped on his coffee, but no matter how bright his smile was, it wasn't able to destroy the feeling of dread that had spread all over his body, concentrating in his stomach and resembling the sensation of falling down in a free fall.

The ringing of the door bell caught him off guard and he ran over. After opening it, he was met with Hyungwon's handsome but very tired looking face.

“We need to talk, Hoseok,” the other man murmured and brushed his black hair out of his face, fingers remaining intertwined with the soft strands before falling down at Hyungwon's sides. 

“I thought so, why didn't you answer me? I thought something had happened to you, fuck,” he hissed and stepped back, allowing his boyfriend to come in.

Hyungwon just shook his head before circling his slim arms around him and pressing himself close. His plump lips released a shaky breath against the skin of Hoseok's neck. The black-haired man seemed so desperate, hands clutching at Hoseok's t-shirt and roughing up the fabric.

He kissed Hyungwon's golden cheek and stroked over his black hair, staying in the same position and curling his arm around his slim waist. Leaning back a little, he placed a soft kiss on the other man's thick lips that were less smooth than usual and brushed a loose strand of hair behind the curled ear.

“It will be fine, just tell me what's the matter,” Hoseok murmured and gave Hyungwon another kiss. The other man's body froze for a short moment before letting go of his shoulders and grabbing his face with big palms instead, keeping their mouths connected for a few extended seconds. 

“What happened, Hyungwon?” he mumbled, licking over his lips and keeping both hands around the other man's thin waist. 

“Uhm, I think this might be the wrong exemplar judging by his Rolex and the Armani jeans. Since when does Hyungwon dress as if he stepped out of vogue?” Kihyun commented, leaning against the door frame and munching on his cereal.

_ Did you mix them up again? Why are you like this, Hoseok? _

He stepped back a little and looked over the other man's clothes. It was obvious. Ripped, black jeans, a black shirt, topped with a fancy watch and a bracelet that covered Kyungwon’s slim wrists.

“Fuck, Kyungwon- I'm sorry, I'm-" He closed his eyes quickly to suck in a deep breath.

“It's not your fault, I should have stopped you as usual, but I somehow can't help it.” The black-haired man smiled but it looked a little sad as he brushed through his hair again. It took only a few seconds until the smile disappeared and Kyungwon’s eyebrows pulled together. “I don't fucking know what to do, Hoseok, shit,” his boyfriend's brother exclaimed and hugged Hoseok again, arms circling his neck. Kyungwon hadn't even bothered to greet Kihyun, hiding his face and exhaling shakily.

_ It must be about Hyungwon, fuck. _

“Tell me what happened, we will sort it out. Did you two talk? Did you see Hyungwon? He hasn’t answered me for three days or come to the door when I went over there. I thought he’d gone away somewhere,” he murmured and hugged back, shaken by the devastation the usually composed man had shown him.

“He just-” Kyungwon raised his head and stared at him, biting down on his lips. “He hasn't left the house for at least a week, Hoseok. He just doesn't open the fucking door. I came and tried to talk to him but it's like talking to a wall, he just nods and hums but there is no fucking response, nothing. It doesn't even matter how often I tell him that I'm okay, he just doesn't fucking believe me. He never does when it's about him.” It was almost scary how the black-haired man's voice broke towards the end, his fist hitting Hoseok’s shoulder once before Kyungwon buried his head in the crook of his neck again, shaking a little. “I'm so fucking scared he'll do something again. It's the same, Hoseok, exactly the same, fake smiles and nods and telling me that he's okay when he doesn't eat and doesn't go anywhere and just- fuck.” A whimper left the handsome man's lips, echoing in the hallway until it was followed by another, thin body shivering in his arms.

_ Fuck, what are you supposed to do now? _

He hugged Kyungwon tightly, stroking over his hair with one hand and simply kept breathing while the slim body basically curled around him. It was really complicated somehow, Hyungwon was miserable at home and Kyungwon was miserable in his arms and in the end he had been the trigger, the reason why this whole mess had started in the first place.

“I'm so fucking sorry, Kyungwon. Should we go there together? Please don't cry, it makes me sad, fuck,” Hoseok whispered, stroking over Kyungwon’s back and drawing circles with his fingers.

The other man nodded against his shoulder, body still shivering in his arms and audibly trying to calm down as shaky breaths and whimpers still left his lips irregularly.

“Fuck, I just don't want him to- I don't even know, fuck. Please do something, Hoseok, maybe he'll listen to you. He just-" A shudder passed through Kyungwon. “He just stares as if he's not really there although I can tell he cried and he broke things and- fuck.”

“He probably stopped taking his meds, go check on him and get professional help, it's not a break-up sadness healed by hugs and kisses,” Kihyun commented from the doorframe and turned around, walking back towards the kitchen.

_ He's right, he knows because he's been through that. _

“I think Kihyun is right, let's go to my room, I'll change and we'll walk over, you have the key, right?” Hoseok leaned back and took Kyungwon’s warm hand, pulling him after himself. After pushing the tall man to sit on his bed, he pulled a shirt and jeans out of his wardrobe, taking off his shirt and changing into the jeans quickly.

_ Not that he didn't see you naked or anything. And then you're wondering why Hyungwon is like this with you as his caring boyfriend. _

Hoseok sighed and turned to Kyungwon, pulling the freshly washed t-shirt over his chest.

_ He looks so miserable. _

“I don't know what reasoning is worse, you being sad because of Hyungwon or you being sad because of me.” He sat down next to the other man and pulled him into a hug.

“I don't know either, I just know that I can deal with being sad because of you but being sad because of Hyungwon just fucking kills me. You have no idea, Hoseok. It's like a part of me is sick and there is nothing I can do.” It was sudden as Kyungwon just climbed on top of him and hugged back, tightly and using as much strength as he could muster, squeezing the air out of Hoseok’s lungs. “I'm usually not like this because I know what to do and I get my shit done, but this- fuck I'm not qualified for this. I did all those things they told me, trying to rationalise and point out good things but he's just smiling and telling me that I'm wonderful and loving you makes a lot of sense.”

_ What a mess. _

Hoseok just let himself be squeezed and hugged back, hoping that Kyungwon would get better just by hugging him which was of course complete bullshit. People didn't get better through hugs, they got better when their problems were solved.

“Do you feel helpless with this? It's a lot to take, Kyungwon, I don't think you should have to deal with this alone. You have me and we will work this out and get help together, okay? I'm so glad that you came.” He stroked the other man's black hair, feeling how the tension slowly left the slim body on top of him.

_ You need to go there, Hoseok. _

Kyungwon nodded and let go, standing up and brushing through his hair again. It must have been a habit of his. It appeared like the black-haired man was trying to compose himself, breathing more regularly and staring at the ground until he finally looked up and focused on Hoseok.

“It's going to be great and we’re going to grab this by the balls and solve it,” Kyungwon muttered and walked to the door, fumbling his car keys out of his pocket before putting them back. “Right, it's just 5 minutes. Let's go.”

_  


 

The apartment looked barely recognizable, there were clothes and random objects lying on the floor, it must've been worse as Kyungwon had told him that he had cleaned up a lot.

_ What is happening, Hoseok _

He walked into Hyungwon's bedroom, spotting the familiar figure lying on his bed curled up in a blanket. He sat down on the edge of the bed while Kyungwon was cleaning up in the kitchen.

“Hyungwon, what's the matter?” he asked, adjusting his voice to the silence and patting Shrimp’s head after feeling her rub against his calf.

Hyungwon just hummed, not moving much although Hoseok’s presence should have surprised him. His boyfriend didn't even bother to look up from the sheets, looking straight ahead. He must have cried based on how puffy his eyes were and the thin red lines moving down his cheeks.

Hoseok took his slim, cold hand and squeezed it tightly.

“Are you like this because of me? Did I do something? Please tell me.” He lay down and curled his arms around Hyungwon's thin body.

“You came with Kyungwon, right? That's great, is he feeling better?” his boyfriend asked quietly, but somehow he didn't sound like he meant it at all, voice monotone and as if he was tired of talking.

“Yes, I came with Kyungwon because he opened the door for me. I wouldn't have been able to enter your apartment otherwise. You are tired, right? Did you eat?” Hoseok stroked over his black hair and placed a kiss on his forehead.

Hyungwon hummed although it couldn't have been true judging by the way he looked. There were a few scratches along his arms, resembling the claws of a cat. Shrimp had probably attempted to gain his attention just like she was doing with Hoseok now, rubbing against his leg and scratching along his jeans a little when he didn't react quickly enough.

“Fuck- Hoseok,” Kyungwon suddenly exclaimed from the kitchen, stepping into the bedroom and holding a packet of pills, pointing at it with wide eyes. It was full. “He didn't take them, for weeks it seems. Fuck- holy fucking shit.”

_ Like Kihyun said, the antidepressants. _

“Okay, then you should definitely take the pills first, Hyungwon, I'll make food later.” Placing another kiss, on Hyungwon's cracked lips this time, Hoseok stood up and took the packet, looking up the dosage and getting a glass of water. 

“Not taking them doesn't do much,” Hyungwon murmured and shrugged with his shoulders, curling further into his blanket. “It just fucks with my metabolism and I can't dance for shit.”

Hoseok came back laughing.

“Sure, you as a dentist can tell me how your meds don't do much. What would you do if I stopped brushing my teeth? Ew.” He walked over to the bed and placed the glass and the pill on the bedside table. “And now come here,” Hoseok commented and simply pulled Hyungwon up with both arms so that he remained in a vertical position.

His boyfriend looked so thin, face pale compared to his usually golden skin tone. His words seemed to evoke more than a simple hum this time.

“A dentist finished their degree, Hoseok. I haven't finished even half a degree. I get shitty grades and can't even brush my teeth without wanting to vomit into the sink at the sight. What are you even talking about?” the black-haired man replied, lips pulled into a thin line as his twin brother dropped the cup he had been holding on the ground, breaking it into a mass of tiny shards that littered the carpet.

“Fuck- I'll clean this up,” Kyungwon said and disappeared again, returning with tissues and a small vacuum cleaner. “It's the same, the exact same thing, shit.”

“You want to vomit? You can't because you need to eat something for that to work, Hyungwon, so let's start by opening your mouth and swallowing that semi tasty pill.” Hoseok knew self deprecating thoughts, there was no point in discussing them, they were just there. “Come on, open your mouth, take the meds and drink some water, like a good boy.”

Hyungwon glanced up at that, chewing on his cheek and staring at the pill in Hoseok’s hand.

“Fine, but it won't help me now, I'm still just as useless and incapable as I was a year ago. I can't even dance without falling on my ugly face.” His boyfriend finished his monologue and grabbed the pill, stuffing it into his mouth and emptying the glass of water right after. “And now?”

“And now I will brush your teeth because I don't have to vomit when I see you, quite the contrary. Remember me telling you that you won't get rid of me? Well, that’s what I meant.” Hoseok stood up and pulled the thin body up, letting it fall against his chest.

Hyungwon didn't even really hug back and just rested his head on Hoseok’s shoulder, weighing almost nothing.

“I'll make some food in the meantime,” Kyungwon called from the kitchen. “He should shower too, preferably not with me, that- that didn't end well last time.”

“Oh, I also need a shower, it's fine.” He pulled Hyungwon’s thighs up and carried him to the bathroom. It was a mess, the post-it's were ripped from the mirror and the other man must've thrown something against it, as the right half was shattered.

“I see you practiced vandalism. Terrific.”

“It's only vandalism when it's not your own stuff,” Hyungwon murmured before suddenly whimpering and beginning to cry, hitting his fists against Hoseok’s chest. It was barely perceivable with how little strength the other man had left, sobs shaking Hyungwon's whole body. “I don't want to undress, I'm disgusting and I don't want you to see. You should make Kyungwon happy, he deserves it instead of dealing with me. I'm just a waste of breath.”

“I'm sorry that you don't want to undress, Hyungwon, but I consider you breathtakingly beautiful and I love seeing you naked. Don't you want to see me naked too? But even if you don't, you'll have to deal with my naked body because I'm going to help you shower.” Hoseok started off nicely but drifted off because Hyungwon wasn't being receptive. “We will do everything one by one, I will help you.”

“You're beautiful, really beautiful, just like Kyungwon,” the black-haired man whispered, clutching to Hoseok’s shirt with his long fingers. “You should undress him and not me, I just want to stop existing for a while, not think anything.”

“I don't want that. I don't want you to stop existing and I don't want to undress Kyungwon. I want to undress you. He will be okay, Hyungwon.” He let Hyungwon down and pulled his shirt over his head.

The other man just stood there, not even bothering to wipe away the tears that had spilled from his eyes and ran down his cheeks, soaking into the fabric of his shirt.

“No he won't, Hoseok. I saw him, he's miserable, he doesn't sleep well, he loves you and the only reason he's like that is me. He should be in my place. This is not how it works. He is supposed to have everything, not me.” Hyungwon swallowed and clenched his fists. “Who am I to take this away from him? I'm just the cheap copy.”

“How many times have you been in love without having a chance to be loved back, Hyungwon?” Reaching for the other man's cheek, he wiped away the wet trails.

“Every goddamn time, Hoseok. That's just how it is, I'm used to it. I'm not loveable. I'm there to donate organs if something happens to him.” The dark eyes finally settled on him as Hyungwon's lips trembled. “That's the only reason I shouldn't die. Just like Van Gogh, he killed himself after achieving something and I haven't even done anything good for my brother yet.”

“Van Gogh? Really? Either way, it's nice because you were in love all by yourself so many times, so now it's your turn to be loved by me. I like your brother, I really do, but it's not the same and he knows it. He knows exactly that I love you and he will be able to get over it. He is so happy that he has you, Hyungwon,” Hoseok whispered and leaned forward, kissing the other man's lips briefly.

“You didn't brush my teeth,” Hyungwon said deadpan and continued staring at Hoseok like he spoke a different language. “And he's not supposed to get over it. He's supposed to be happy. I can kiss him but that's not what he wants, he wants you.”

“You know it all, don't you?” Hoseok leaned in and hissed at him, grabbing his chin and lifting it a little. “Open your mouth,” he commanded and grabbed Hyungwon's brush from the sink.

The big, brown eyes opened wide just like Hyungwon's mouth, appearing a little shocked at the change in tone. The black-haired man didn't reply and merely curled his right hand around Hoseok’s forearm.

_ You scared him, but at least he doesn't try to make you his brother’s love slave. _

He prepared the toothpaste and started brushing Hyungwon's teeth. It was a little bit like with a child, fingers holding onto his arm and eyes watching him intently.

“I don't deserve you,” Hyungwon muttered, barely able to pronounce clearly. “But you don't know how to brush teeth properly.”

_ There he goes. _

Hoseok threw the toothbrush into the sink and stared at the black-haired man for a couple of seconds, anger boiling over. Tilting his head and licking over his lips, Hoseok grabbed the seam of Hyungwon's huge t-shirt and pulled it over the other man's head, dipping his fingers into the waistband of his sweatpants and leaning impossibly close.

“I'm not sure you know who you're trying to fight against.”

“I'm not t-trying to fight,” Hyungwon stuttered, eyes remaining wide and long fingers instantly grabbing Hoseok’s hands like he wanted to stop him. “I’m just-”

“You're just going to shower with me.” Hoseok pulled the other man's pants down and lifted his legs one by one to help him get out of the underwear. Standing up, he stared into Hyungwon's eyes, not blinking while opening the button of his jeans and sliding the zipper down before pulling everything down in one go. It wasn't sexual, not at all, he was a little angry.

The other man just followed the motions mechanically, waiting for Hoseok to finish undressing while watching his own hands. Hyungwon had returned to his quiet self, not commenting and also not throwing his destructive thoughts at Hoseok.

“Let's go, or do you want me to carry you?” Hoseok asked, standing only a couple of centimetres across from Hyungwon. The difference in their body size was so obvious when they stood naked across from each other like this.

The black-haired man just hummed as he moved closer to the shower, steps a little shaky like he hadn't walked for a long time. Pulling the shower door to the side with effort, he stepped inside and leaned against one of the walls, eyes closing like the action had been difficult.

“I would've probably passed out if I was you. When was the last time that you ate?” Hoseok stepped inside and closed the door, taking the shower head and turning it towards himself before turning on the water. He dealt with the cold until it had turned warm enough to confront Hyungwon with it. 

The other man had apparently given up the lies as he didn't try to convince Hoseok that he had eaten and merely shrugged with his shoulders, gasping briefly when the water hit his naked skin.

“I see, we'll catch up on that.” Hoseok poured shampoo into his hands and lifted up on his tiptoes, shampooing Hyungwon's pretty black hair and watching how beautiful the other man was up close, it was unfair that he wasn't able to see it as such.

Hyungwon kept his eyes closed, exhaling softly and leaving his hands lose at his sides. The black-haired man didn't bother with keeping his body upright, still leaning against the black tiles. Small water drops were collecting on Hyungwon's eyelids before falling to the ground.

It felt unjust why someone so gorgeous and nice wasn't able to be happy without hesitating and overthinking, hating himself and considering himself worthless.

Hoseok rinsed out the shampoo and took the shower gel. It smelled nice, just like Hyungwon. He put his hands on the other man's chest and watched how the gel spread over the golden skin. There were more red spots and irritations, probably as Hyungwon had ditched medication for good. 

_ You need to put cream on after you're out. _

Scrubbing his stomach, Hoseok sank down to his knees and ran his hands over Hyungwon's thighs and calves. Hoseok really liked his body.

Unfortunately the other man didn't as he froze, eyes focusing on the motions of Hoseok’s hands and began chewing on his cheek.

“I love you,” Hyungwon whispered suddenly instead of another self deprecating comment. His eyes looked a little bloodshot, but it was difficult to tell if he was crying again, especially with the water running down their bodies.

“I love you too and I really love your body. I hope you aren't feeling bad because we had sex. Do you know the reason for being like this? Did you think about it? There must have been a trigger or something.” Hoseok continued sliding his palms up over the other man's butt and back until he was on eye level with Hyungwon.

“I'm the reason for Kyungwon’s unhappiness. It's simple.” The other man’s shoulders shook like the thought alone made him cry, almost sliding down the shower wall. “He fell in love with you and he has never fallen in love before, Hoseok. He loves you, but here I am, taking it away from him. I should be giving him everything.”

“You are giving him everything, you dummy. He told me that you're his other half, he loves you so much. Also, what about me? Not to be egoistic, but I want you, Hyungwon.” Hoseok stroked over the other man's hair and curled an arm around his waist to stabilize him a little.

“But- do you really think you would realize if he took my place?” His boyfriend sounded serious, dark eyes on him and plump lips a little parted.

_ Mean asshole. _

“Yes, I would, because you two have very different personalities. You might look the same and I'm still confused, but you're different. You were there with me on that veranda at the hospital, Hyungwon, you saw me cry and you are the one I can share my deepest thoughts and emotions with.” He licked over his lips and stared at Hyungwon.

Thin fingers reached out and stroked over his cheek, lips trembling, but it couldn't have been because of feeling cold.

“But you are wrong about me giving Kyungwon everything. There is nothing I am giving him apart from responsibilities and worries. If I wasn’t here he could live his life in peace and love you in peace. He has to bring me food, clean my apartment, protect me from mom and dad. I might be an idiot but I see it all. He’d be free without me.” The monologue was fluent, as if Hyungwon had rehearsed it. “I love you but he deserves your love more than I do. Once you get to know him better, you'll fall in love with him and my presence won't even matter anymore, just like Ben doesn't matter to you anymore.”

_ What? _

“You know what's funny? Normally I would've just dropped everything and left after a comment like that because it's bullshit and it disregards my feelings so much. But I know that you wouldn't have cared about that, just thinking that you're right. But you're not. You're so fucking wrong, you have no fucking idea, Hyungwon. You will eat and you will take care of your body so I can be mad at you later for saying bullshit like that to my face.” Hoseok groaned and opened the door, taking a towel and wrapping it around his hips, before taking another one and gesturing for the black-haired man to come out. He was angry and his eyes must’ve shown it.

Hyungwon acted instantly despite still lacking the strength to keep himself up. The other man stumbled out of the shower and let Hoseok curl a big, fluffy towel around him, staring at the ground and saying nothing.

“Good boy, and now let's go see what your brother cooked for you and you better stuff that shit into your mouth for me to see,” he hissed and rubbed it over Hyungwon's wet hair, removing some of the moisture.

Again his boyfriend nodded, swallowing carefully as he held onto Hoseok’s hips to keep himself steady.

Hoseok was angry but he still leaned in and kissed Hyungwon's lips, licking into his mouth quickly for impact and took his wrist, pulling Hyungwon's weightless body after himself. The other man was so light that it immediately reminded him of Ben, how they had joked about the wind blowing the other man away and how Hoseok lifted him and twirled him around laughing happily.

_ There will be a way to fight this, you can't give up. _

_ Once was enough. _

 

***

 

Once the thoughts in his head changed, drowning in a black ocean of self-hate, there was never really a way out.

Everything seemed to happen in a trance, Kyungwon coming and trying to talk to him, lying about feeling okay and Hyungwon being his only worry. It was bullshit, it was clear that he was only in the way, in the way of his brother’s happiness like an idiot.

_ You really can't get anything right, can you? Not even your own existence.  _

Hyungwon hated it, he hated it so much that he just wished to bury his head in his pillow and suddenly stop breathing, not having to deal with the pain in his chest, eating him up and forcing him to cry.

Not even Hoseok’s arrival pulled him out of it, words passing by him just like everything else. Just that Hoseok wasn't one to give up, the blonde man just forced him to brush his teeth, pulling him into the shower and not caring much about what he said.

_ He thinks differently, but they all do. They can't see what you see, Hyungwon. _

Even the kiss against his lips didn't feel the same. A few stray drops were running down his ugly legs, leaving thin watery lines and creating the same sensation that Hoseok’s lips did. The hug was warm but the pain stayed. Nothing could really distract him from it, nothing at all.

He stood in place, closing his eyes and hoping to forget a little with the taste of Hoseok’s tongue in his mouth, but there was just no emotion, none apart from the burning in his chest and the wish to just faint, forget everything.

Hoseok pulled him to the kitchen, not blessing him with unconsciousness.

Kyungwon was frying something, probably pancakes with apples and tiny chunks of nuts just as Hyungwon liked. But he couldn't get himself to care much, watching the way his brother's arm flexed to turn the pancakes in the pan.

_ Even when you make him miserable he takes care of you. _

“Sit down, Hyungwon,” his brother immediately exclaimed as soon as he saw him and took off the black apron, hanging it on a chair. Kyungwon’s voice was low and didn't really leave room for doing anything else apart from sitting down.

_ They are similar, they fit well. _

Hyungwon nodded and sat down on one of the chairs, staring at the table until a plate filled with pancakes appeared and Kyungwon grabbed his face, pulling it up.

“Eat it like a good boy,” his brother said and stared at him, waiting for him to start.

Hyungwon swallowed and glanced over at Hoseok, a little overwhelmed by the similarities in behaviour.

_ Just eat, it doesn't matter anyway. _

Hoseok let his head rest on his palm and took a sip of the coffee Kyungwon had probably prepared for him.

“You need to be able to think, Hyungwon. Eat some,” he muttered.

He hummed and grabbed his fork, separating a chunk from one of the pancakes and placing it into his mouth. It could have been plastic with how it tasted like nothing, nothing at all. He didn't say anything and chewed, looking at the way Kyungwon’s eyes travelled to Hoseok’s barely dressed form. 

_ He can't help it, he finds him attractive. It would have been better if you weren't here. They could have talked in peace. _

Hoseok looked at him and then at Kyungwon, before standing up and walking into the bathroom.

“And that's what I mean,” Hyungwon muttered and put another chunk of pancake into his mouth. “You like him and can't do anything about it because of me. But I can't die yet, I keep forgetting that you might need me to save your life. Although you don't ride a motorcycle anymore.”

“For fuck’s sake, Hyungwon, the only thing that makes me miserable is you being like this. I want you to smile and tell me that I'm an idiot and not try to starve yourself. I told you that I need you more than anybody else.” His brother looked devastated, even more so than before as he grabbed his hands and pulled him closer towards himself. “If I had to choose between a person I'm in love with and you, I would choose you.”

“You must be pretty determined to get rid of me, Hyungwon. I told you, stop trying, you won't manage, it's wasted energy.” Hoseok walked into the kitchen, wearing his previous clothes and leaned against the counter.

“I don't want to get rid of you. I like you. I like you both.” Hyungwon felt at a loss. Liking and wanting someone around wasn't even the point. The point was being the source of someone else's misery. “I just feel like I'm in the way.”

Kyungwon’s eyes narrowed as he stood up and leaned over the table, grabbing his chin and pressing his plump lips on top of his.

“Shut the fuck up.”

Hyungwon stared, surprised that his brother would return to something he had done as a child to make him shut up, to quieten down because it made him shy.

_ This would appear weird to other people. _

Drawing a deep breath he turned to Hoseok.

His boyfriend's eyes widened and he stared from his brother to him, lips parted and shock obvious.

_ Oh no. _

“You can still have him, it doesn't mean anything,” Hyungwon murmured and licked over his lips, wondering why Kyungwon would choose now to kiss him out of all possible moments. It wasn't like him, usually he used it to tease others. “Will you guys leave me alone now?”

Glancing towards his brother he was met with similar shock, eyes wide.

Hoseok's face changed into something rather scary as the blonde man pulled his phone out of his pocket, typed something and held it against his ear.

“Hey, it's me, I'm going to stay here this week, so I'll come later to get some clothes and study books, don't be surprised. Yeah, see you. Thank you, Kihyun.” The other man hung up and closed the distance, slamming his hands on the table next to his plate, forcing it to jump up. Hyungwon's whole body convulsed at the sudden action.

“I'm living here for the next week, so prepare yourself and your crazy thoughts because I'm going to fight.”

_ He wants to stay? But why? _

“But- but why would you want to stay all t-this time, Hoseok? You have so much to d-do and then there is me just lying here and disgusting you with my uselessness. I- I don't want you to see that,” he mumbled, unable to formulate a proper sentence while watching Hoseok’s angry face with wide eyes. It was a little scary, like there was nothing Hyungwon could do apart from doing as the blonde man said.

“Because he loves you which is perfectly fine and just the way it fucking should be,” Kyungwon exclaimed, visibly just as frustrated. His brother brushed through his hair before grabbing a piece of pancake and stuffing it into his mouth.

_ It's just words, he can say them but deep inside he still wants Hoseok. _

“Because I want to. And because I don't want to make the same mistakes as with Ben who you think that I've forgotten about, you asshole. Either way,” Hoseok hissed and turned to Kyungwon, placing an arm on his pretty shoulder. “I'll get my stuff from Kihyun and then I'll come back here, can you stay until I'm back?”

_ You're an asshole, Hyungwon, saying hurtful things that you don't even mean. _

“Sure,” his brother replied with a brief nod before taking the plate with pancakes and putting it to the side. “You haven't eaten before so let's take a break, so you don't get sick. You can eat some porridge later. Looks like you don't care what it is that you're eating anyway.”

Hyungwon nodded again, wishing to take Hoseok’s hand for some reason, but it was a little pointless.

Still he reached out, biting down on his lower lip forcefully and curling his hand into Hoseok’s.

“I'm sorry for saying that,” he whispered, dread returning to where it had been in his chest like it never left.

_ You're horrible, you can't let go yourself, even if it's for your brother. _

The other man's strong hand pulled him up and Hoseok caught him in his embrace, pressing their lips together.

“I love you, Hyungwon. We will sort this out, I will help you and we all will be fine,” his boyfriend's low voice muttered into his ear while he placed kisses on his lips repeatedly.

“Okay,” Hyungwon whispered back and hoped that Hoseok was right, even if his head told him that he wasn't. His boyfriend leaned back and gifted him one of his most beautiful smiles.

“I'll be back in a bit.” Hoseok slipped into his shoes and left him alone with his brother.

“You see, you miss him already, I see it on that pretty face of yours,” Kyungwon remarked with a smile and brushed over his hair, still wet from the shower. “And that is perfectly fine because you love him and he loves you too.”

_ Still, he's probably upset about this, even if he says that it's how it should be. _

“But doesn't this hurt you?” he couldn't help asking, curling his fingers around Kyungwon’s wrist instead, watching him intently. It was a little more difficult to tell what the other man was feeling, smile remaining in place and eyes affectionate. Hyungwon barely had the resources to deal with his own emotions.

“It does, a little, but this is normal, Hyungwon. Stuff like this fades. Time will pass and then I will find myself my own Hoseok, just how it should be and then we'll go on those disgustingly cheesy double dates where you'll be blushing like a tomato and I'll laugh at you, because you're adorable. That's just how it is, Hyungwon, you need to give this some time.” Kyungwon licked over his lips and frowned at Hyungwon's wet hair, pulling him into the bathroom to dry it with a hairdryer.

“But if I wasn't there you wouldn't be sad,” Hyungwon whispered quietly, staring at his naked feet, also covered in small, round scars.

“Bullshit,” his brother hissed before slapping his butt. “If you weren't there I would be fucking devastated because I love you and need you around. Did you forget already? The day I cried on your lap because I thought I lost you?” The big, brown eyes, so similar to his own, settled on his face as Kyungwon hugged him, patting his hair and exhaling against his towel-covered shoulder.

_ How could you forget? _

It had been shocking, the sight of his usually perfectly composed brother kneeling on the floor and hugging his legs, crying without being able to stop.

“I just want you to be happy, Kyungwon,” he whispered, hugging back slowly and smelling the sweet scent of the other man's shampoo. It felt like back then.

_ You are always upset about being a bother to him but here you are doing the same thing again.  _

“I'm happy when you are fine, Hyungwon, when you spend time with me and eat what I cook and tell me how wonderful Hoseok is. I want to be able to talk about his ass and have you blush and silently agree although you'd never want to be inside it.” His brother chuckled and grabbed the hairdryer he had prepared, gesturing for Hyungwon to bend over and let him dry it.

He did, chewing on his lip and wondering what he could have done about the pain in his chest. It never disappeared just like that, words didn't matter at all.

_ Because it's not about the words, Hyungwon. It's just how you feel, you need to wait for it to pass. _

Kyungwon worked through his black strands quietly, ruffling them up and pulling the fluffy towel back when it threatened to slip down Hyungwon's body. It was nice somehow, like there weren't any problems although the pressure in his chest said something different.

“I'm sorry,” Hyungwon whispered, feeling guilty for making his brother's life even more difficult. He wasn't only taking the person the other man loved, he also wanted to disappear and scared the beautiful man.

“Don't be, just let me take care of you and then cuddle Hoseok until you feel better.” Long fingers massaged over his scalp for a last time before Kyungwon turned off the hair dryer and looked at him, smile in place. “You know why a lot of people end up liking you, Hyungwon?”

He swallowed and shook his head, examining the way Kyungwon had put a little bit of colour on his lips, making them seem more pink than usual.

“Because you have something innocent about you, something pure and genuinely nice. It just makes people want to take care of you and that's really nice. I seem rather nasty in comparison,” Kyungwon replied and laughed, narrowing his eyes on purpose to look angry. It was a little bit funny.

“Mmh,” Hyungwon replied and glanced at his feet again, wondering if that was the reason Hoseok liked him too. “But you're gorgeous and really nice, I like you that way.”

Kyungwon grinned and placed a kiss on his cheek, pulling him to the bedroom.

“And that's exactly what I mean. You're so genuine. Is there even anybody you hate?”

_ Why would you hate anybody? Apart from yourself. _

He didn't reply and merely followed his brother, tensing a little bit when the towel was removed and Kyungwon slipped underwear and lose sweatpants over his legs.

“I love the curve of your thighs, dancing really gives you different muscle definition,” Kyungwon remarked and tightened the pants with the string at the waistband. As soon as he pulled a t-shirt over Hyungwon's head, his brother lay down and gestured for him to join.

_ He's probably saying that to make you feel better, isn't he? _

“You're still more beautiful,” he whispered back and curled his body around Kyungwon, legs intertwining with one draped over his brothers hips and arms over the slim chest and around his pretty neck.

“We're both hot, end of discussion.” Kyungwon pinched his side lightly before tightening his grip around him. “Try to sleep, Hyungwon, you feel better sometimes after you do.”

_ Maybe you really should, maybe the burning will disappear once you wake up. _

Hyungwon doubted it, but he still nodded and closed his eyes, unable to fight the feeling that he was making everything worse, strengthening attachments and taking away the possibility for everybody to forget about him and live in peace.

_ But you can't die yet, Hyungwon, everything is a mess and you haven't even achieved anything. _

“I love you, Hyungwon, please don't do this to yourself,” Kyungwon whispered suddenly and placed a kiss on top of his head, lips warm against his skin.

Hyungwon pretended to be asleep, breathing calmly and hating himself for causing the other man pain, even when he wasn't doing anything.

_ You have to get better, Hyungwon. _

_ Somehow. _

_

 

His body felt like a stone that was curled up in a gigantic blanket, warm and soft, holding him tightly.

The scent was familiar too, reminding him of the way Hoseok’s clothes smelt when they had been freshly washed, sweet like fabric softener.

_ Just the dread in your chest doesn't fit into the equation, still burning as if it's eating you from the inside. _

Hyungwon's head felt heavy but he was awake enough to realise that he was in Hoseok’s arms. The strength wasn't comparable with his brother's, just like the body form, approximately double his size.

“You came back,” he whispered, voice rough and body heavy although he hadn't even really moved.

_ He came back although he could have been dealing with something nicer, more relaxed and not watch you being miserable. _

“Mhm, I told you I'm staying with you for one week at least. I called work and I also told Susan that I won't be coming, so she knows. I think I didn't tell you, but she's Ben's grandmother.” Hoseok curled his arms tighter and placed a kiss on his nape.

_ Ben’s grandmother? _

Hyungwon didn't know how much time passed until the information registered in his head, but he lifted up a little to be able to look at his boyfriend's pretty face. He was gorgeous, hair sticking up in different directions and left cheek harbouring a red mark from the pillow. He must have slept too.

“She's Ben's grandmother? But- how- did you meet by chance then? Or did she look for you?” he asked, swallowing quickly in an attempt to get rid of the disgusting taste in his mouth.

_ How could he forget about him if he even knows his grandmother, Hyungwon? You are horrible. _

“She recognized me by chance, but didn't say anything, until you appeared. So I also didn't know before, she's an amazing person, I'm so lucky to have you all around me.” His boyfriend smiled. “She gave me peace of mind by telling me how it was for Ben the last couple of days and that he had been happy that I didn't see him like that. It helped me a lot to deal with the fact that I didn't go.”

_ She helped him, Hyungwon. He needed that and you told him that he forgot instead. That's why he shouldn't be with you, you just hurt him. _

“I'm glad she could help you, Hoseok, I'm-" Hyungwon swallowed and curled his arms tighter around Hoseok’s body. “I'm so sorry- I'm sorry for saying that you forgot. Please- p-please forgive me.”

_ Just like Ben, you don't want Hoseok to see you like this. _

“I have the feeling that you want to push me away, but I promised myself that I'm not going to accept that, so it's okay, say whatever you want, I'll just ignore it.” Leaning back a little, Hoseok kissed him quickly. “How are you feeling? Does it hurt?”

“Y-yeah,” Hyungwon whispered, not sure how to reply, especially with how Hoseok kept wanting to be around despite him being horrible to him. “Why- why would you want to see all this, Hoseok? Wouldn't it be better to see me when I'm okay and not deal with this? Maybe I also don't want you to see me like this.” He swallowed the disgusting taste in his mouth again and hid his face in the crook of Hoseok’s neck, inhaling the other man's scent although he should have been staying away. 

Hyungwon had always been weak, unable to stay away when he had to and pull things through properly.

_ You couldn't even try to kill yourself the right way, choosing something painless although you knew it might not work. _

“Honestly? I know that you love me and that your head is just trying to bullshit you, so I'm going to ignore your wishes. I'll be next to you and we will do amazing things together instead of just lying in bed all day and I will try to make you happy again. It probably won't solve the issue with Kyungwon, but it might at least help you think clearly. I talked to Kihyun, he's a pro,” Hoseok whispered into his ear due to the proximity and placed another kiss on his forehead.

Hyungwon's thoughts jumped quickly, over the knowledge that he loved Hoseok and the fact that he would make him unhappy by not enjoying any of the things the blonde man wanted to do with him, all the way to the fact that he was making his brother miserable by having what he wanted.

_ You have Hoseok and you don't even give him what Kyungwon could give him. You worthless piece of shit. _

Not even a second passed until his chest shook and he felt the tears building up, spilling from his eyes as he bit his lips and tried to stay quiet.

_ He'll see how useless you are like this and then both of them will be miserable because of you. _

“Just cry if you feel like crying, I'm not in the position to say anything after organizing crying fests on the hospital veranda for years instead of working on the issue.” Hoseok chuckled and pressed him closer to his chest, patting his back lightly and letting his fingers dance over Hyungwon's spine. It felt nice, so different from the way his thoughts and tears made him feel.

“I just feel so fucking worthless. You love me, making Kyungwon sad, and I'm not even making you happy. Why am I like this?” Hyungwon sniffed and chewed on his lip, pressing himself closer and wishing that he could just melt into Hoseok’s body and disappear.

“Huh? But you're making me happy. You're the reason that I can have a normal relationship with someone I love instead of fucking around and feeling guilty of basically killing someone by lack of action. I'm thankful and happy with you. It's just your thoughts. I not even once considered you worthless. You're the most worthy person to me, Hyungwon,” Hoseok commented, raking one hand through his freshly washed hair.

_ It's just your thoughts. It's always just your thoughts. _

“Whenever I feel like this, all those positive thoughts just seem so stupid. Like I only lied to myself all this time,” Hyungwon whispered and lifted his head, hating the way the tears felt on his face. He must have looked so ugly. “I'm not even a proper guy, crying like a little bitch.”

“So a proper guy shouldn't have lachrymal glands? What are you even talking about? Want me to cry too? Just talk a little more about making me your brother’s love slave, then I might,” the blonde man hissed and glanced at him with the familiar spark of anger present in his dark gaze.

_ Love slave? _

Hyungwon panicked, eyes opening wide and body lifting up from the sheets to stare at Hoseok in absolute shock.

“Love slave? Y- you aren't anybody's love slave, you're generally not a s- slave, you're your own person and should be happy and choose who you want to love and have everything you want because you deserve everything,” he muttered quickly, hands grabbing Hoseok’s mostly naked thighs, only covered by short briefs. “Oh my god.”

“Well you don't act as if I'm my own, telling me to be with your brother and fuck him and whatever. Very nice of you.” Hoseok placed his own palms over his hands and leaned forward a little. “Want me to fuck your brother that badly? It seems to be a kink of yours, you keep repeating it since the party.”

_ Who the fuck are you to tell him what to do? This is fucked up, Hyungwon. _

“Oh my god,” he mumbled, stroking along Hoseok’s thigh and chest up to his face, cupping it in his big palms and breathing in deeply. “I'm so sorry- fuck- I'm sorry. You don't have to do anything, I just- oh god. It f- feels like you'd like being inside him more, but I don't make any sense. Holy shit, this is so f- fucked up. I'm sorry, Hoseok.” His eyes remained wide as he tried to reflect on what exactly he wanted Hoseok to do. It made no sense, he didn't even know himself.

_ It's your emotions, they don't make sense. You just feel shit and try to find the reason why. _

“Please hug me,” he muttered, feeling the tears fill out his eyes again, of of nowhere and without a real trigger.

_ It's your emotions and thoughts, it's biological. _

Hoseok leaned back and pulled him on top of himself, curling his strong arms around his body.

“It's fine, I won't do it even if you tell me to. I want you, Hyungwon.”

“You almost did though,” he heard himself reply before he could stop it. His brain was fast with providing hurtful information when he needed it the least.

“Exactly, because he fucking looks the same. The only reason I react to him is because he looks the same, Hyungwon. I am a bad person and all that and I'm sorry, but I really want you. Can't your brother dye his hair or something? It'll be easy then, I guess,” Hoseok muttered and squished his upper body on purpose.

“You don't want him to look like me because you only want me? But what's the difference if we look the same?” Hyungwon lifted his head again, feeling the remaining tears drop down his chin.

_ And now you admit that he looks like you, you really make no sense, Hyungwon, none at all. _

“So I don't jump him accidentally, you fool. My brain will be able to know that the person with the different hair is the wrong one. You really want me to fuck him, don't you? This is really creepy, Hyungwon.” Hoseok narrowed his gaze and inspected his face.

“I-” He stopped again, genuinely unsure about what he fucking wanted.

_ You just want to be a part of him instead of yourself. _

“I just often wish Kyungwon and me were the same person instead of me being the shitty copy with a skin disease. It doesn't even make sense because I know we have the same face and if his is gorgeous I can't be that bad myself, but then my head just- fuck I don't even know. I feel so miserable, Hoseok. I just find you guys attractive and at the same time I'm sad because I want it to be me but then Kyungwon is unhappy. Ah, I don't even know. I just want to c- cuddle you both and not be unhappy.”

“Ah,” Hoseok exclaimed and threw him to the side. Then he stood up and left the room, shuffling noises sounding from the kitchen.

“H- Hoseok?” Hyungwon called carefully, wondering if he had upset Hoseok again.

_ You should brush your teeth, you're disgusting. _

He climbed off the bed carefully, forcing himself to go to the bathroom and take a piss in addition to brushing away whatever had begun living in his mouth. 

_ You told him all that and made him feel like a slave again. _

Once he finished he went to the kitchen, hesitating at the door frame because he didn't know if Hoseok wanted to see him.

The blonde, almost naked, man turned around and walked over to him, pulling his pants down and lifting him up on the kitchen counter. Hyungwon yelped with a high pitched noise and immediately clasped a hand in front of his mouth in embarrassment.

“You didn't take care of your skin, so I'm going to do it.” Hoseok put the neurodermatitis cream next to his naked thighs and opened the lid.

Exhaling sharply, Hyungwon lifted his palm a little higher, glancing through the spaces between his fingers at his scarred and red legs and Hoseok’s beautiful body.

_ As if he'd touch you now, just look at the difference. _

“I- I thought you were g- going to-" He bit his lip painfully and stopped talking, still covering his face and hoping it wouldn't get any more swollen than it already was from all the crying.

“Going to what? Fuck you? I really want to and I definitely will as soon as you're in the mood and stop telling me to fuck your brother,” Hoseok hissed and took some cream with his index finger, spreading it over the red spots tenderly and without applying much pressure.

_ He just doesn't want to admit that it's disgusting. _

“It looks hideous,” Hyungwon whispered and glanced at the ceiling, unwilling to look at it anymore. It was impossible to glance at Hoseok without seeing his own legs.

_ Why would he be fine with touching it? He's probably fighting with himself. _

“The bullshit you're talking is hideous, your thighs are fucking hot. They look delicious around my hips, especially with the difference in skin tone. I also love to have them on my shoulders because I can kiss and bite them,” Hoseok chuckled. He felt how the other man bit into his inner thigh, kissing the spot right after. “But I won't kiss the creamed part because the cream isn't edible and there are corticosteroids.”

Hyungwon gasped as the sensation of teeth and lips against his skin and bit his bottom lip. He didn't really know what Hoseok talked about but it must have been something about cream ingredients.

“Yes, doctor,” he muttered and felt his face turn even redder at the associated images as Hoseok continued to put cream on his naked legs. The blonde seemed so nonchalant about it, like it didn't matter to him at all.

_ But he kissed your scars before, just like this, he said he likes your legs. _

Maybe he was dumb, feeling pain and pulling random reasons out of his fingers independent of whether they made sense. 

_ Just wait until you look less ugly before thinking about the images he puts into your head. _

Hoseok’s presence was calming somehow, even if the other man probably disliked the condition of Hyungwon's skin.

“Done,” the blonde man exclaimed and rose from his knees, kissing him and glancing right into his eyes. “We will spend your parents money today.” The other man pulled out an envelope from behind the microwave. “I know that you like shrimp, so we are going to go out. For that we need to get you dressed and ready and for you to be able to walk for about fifteen minutes.”

_ He seems to care so much. But you should really hide your skin so he feels better. _

Hyungwon felt a little disappointment at Hoseok not touching him anymore and chewed on his cheek, merely nodding along. If they were going to buy food for Hoseok as well, it was fine to use the money. He just didn't really want to go out.

“I know that you probably don't want to, but we have to do it.” Hoseok placed both palms on each side of his hips and closed the distance between them, licking into his mouth with soft movements of his pink tongue. Hyungwon couldn't resist and curled his arms around the blonde man's neck, legs narrowing automatically. He was greedy, greedy for something that wasn't the burning in his chest, making him wish to disappear.

_ Don't force it on him. _

He let go almost instantly, scared of touching Hoseok with his creamed legs and making him uncomfortable. 

“I'm sorry, I'm disgusting,” he whispered.

“Shut up and kiss me,” Hoseok's low voice commanded while the blonde pulled up his pants and positioned himself between his legs. The way the gorgeous man talked to him made everything so clear. 

The fabric made it easier and Hyungwon curled his bony legs around Hoseok’s hips, holding onto his neck again and closing the distance between their lips. It was nice, like he added something else to the sensation of drowning. He licked over the other man's curved mouth, dipping into the pretty corners before he sucked on the pink tongue.

Hoseok kissed back, but took one of his hands and pulled it down, pressing it against his crotch that was only covered by the thin fabric of the other man's underwear.

“See? That's how I react to you, you fool,” the blonde commented and let his erection twitch against his hand.

Hyungwon gasped instantly, feeling the blood rush upwards and downwards at the same time, face taking colour and body responding. It felt so strange after a long time, like he was only now beginning to wake up, chewing on his lips.

“I react to y- you too, I'm so thankful you w-wanted to be inside of me, Hoseok,” he murmured and felt his thighs shiver a little, eyes widening the longer he felt the outline of Hoseok’s erection against his fingers. “D-do you react because I'm dressed?”

“No, I react because I imagine you naked under me.” The blonde man curled his fingers around his thighs and lifted him up, walking towards his bedroom.

Hyungwon inhaled sharply and covered his mouth with a patch of Hoseok’s skin, trying to tell himself that the other man wasn't saying that to make him feel better. It was stupid because he had seen the blonde react to him, but still his head told him it was bullshit, not good enough. The only thing that kept him from attempting to run away was the strong and safe hold on his body.

_ Why would he want to be close to you? He even dressed you before kissing you. _

“Please-" he gasped, but didn't even know what he was asking for.

Placing him on the edge of his bed, Hoseok crouched down and placed a quick kiss on his mouth.

“We're going to eat shrimp and then you can lie naked under me, because I will be sure that your body has gotten all the important nutrients, deal?” The other man smiled at him, showing his perfect teeth. It was infectious somehow, corners of his mouth pulling up a little although he didn't feel like smiling at all.

“Only- only if you want to be close to me,” Hyungwon whispered and pulled his legs together, wondering how the hell he deserved someone like Hoseok. “I don't want you to- to force yourself just because I suddenly want you.”

_ Maybe it's really because you're dressed, it might all change once you're back from eating. _

“Listen, I'm not going to fuck you right now just to prove you wrong, how many times do you need to touch my dick to realize that I want you? Let's get dressed and go.” Hoseok pulled down his sweatpants and kissed both of his thighs.

_ He cares so much, despite everything. _

Hyungwon wanted to cry again, but it wasn't the same, he just wanted to hug the other man and scream confessions at him, hold him close and never let go.

“T-thank you,” he gasped out, throat clogging up. “Oh god- thank you so much, Hoseok.”

_ You should get better, Hyungwon. _

_ Even if just for him. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 2nd of September at 2 PM CET.
> 
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
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> 

The first two days were a little tiring, it took a lot of persuading and motivation to get Hyungwon out of bed and make the other man enjoy their activities. Kihyun had called him every day, telling him different approaches from his therapy and reading out from his mood diary. It was really helpful to understand how his boyfriend must've felt, it seemed like a spiral of negativity that was pulling him down, without the possibility to break it. Hoseok wasn't a psychotherapist and he also didn't want to play one, he just wanted to help Hyungwon motivate himself to do activities, positive ones, ones that lifted his mood, so that maybe later the other man would be able to go to a specialist and work on the issues that had been triggering his downs.

_ Let's see how that goes. _

Hyungwon cried a lot. Sometimes after a talk and sometimes just like that, without an obvious reason. The triggers must've been inside the other man's head, not accessible for Hoseok and his understanding, but it was okay. He was able to hug the handsome man and tell him that he loved him and he had the stupid feeling that it helped.

It was Saturday and he wanted to go dancing with Hyungwon. He knew that it had been a dangerous idea, considering how much the other man cared about failure, especially in regards to dancing. Getting the keys for the practice room from Hyungwon's buff friend, Hoseok dressed in a pair of loose ripped jeans and a white shirt, deciding that it was time to wake Hyungwon up from his nap.

_ Of course he's sleeping after you forced the seafood lasagne down his throat. _

He climbed on top of the bed and curled his arms around the other man's slim waist. They still hadn't been close because Hyungwon’s mood changed a lot and he was tired, especially after their activities. It was okay, Hoseok just wanted him to feel better although he had missed the contact a lot.

“Wake up, sleeping beauty,” he whispered and kissed Hyungwon's ear lobe.

The other man mumbled something that sounded like ‘go be useful and catch some flies, Shrimp’ and covered his head with a blanket, hiding away and struggling to wake up as usual. It was cute how Hyungwon always curled up into a ball despite his height.

Hoseok spooned him, pressing his hips into Hyungwon's butt and nibbling on the smooth skin of his neck while exhaling into his small, curled ear.

The beautiful man moaned quietly, shifting on the bed before he finally opened his eyes, lips plump from chewing on them.

“It's way too early,” Hyungwon mumbled before leaning against Hoseok’s shoulder and closing his eyes again, like he intended to continue sleeping on top of him. “Even if it's lunch time it's too early.”

“Are you tired, babe?” Hoseok asked and moved his hips in a circle, sucking on a patch of the other man's skin that was accessible.

“H- hey, don't make me react, I'm-" Hyungwon muttered and sucked his lips into his mouth to not make noise, lower body pushing against Hoseok’s automatically.

“You're what? Hot? I know, that's what I'm saying,” he commented and chuckled, feeling how the blood rushed downwards to make his arousal painfully obvious.

“Oh god- you- you react really quickly,” Hyungwon whispered and slowly let his hand travel between their bodies, cupping Hoseok’s crotch. “I'm all those things you- you usually disagree with.”

_ See? Now you have no blood left to supply your brain functions. _

“Listen, I don't know what you're talking about, I just know that you're holding my dick. What does it even mean?” he muttered and thrust against Hyungwon's hand.

The black-haired man swallowed before sliding his hand upwards, carefully.

“I just- I haven't brushed my teeth and I napped and you probably don't want to be i- inside of me like this,” Hyungwon whispered but continued the painfully slow motions of his hand. The other man's body felt hot, probably warmed up from the blanket and the blush that spread over his pretty face.

_ You don't care about anything at this point. _

“You don't seem like it but you're a fucking tease, aren't you?” He let his hand travel between Hyungwon's legs and slipped into the other man's sweatpants quickly, curling his fingers around his half hard dick.

He was blessed with a moan, much less restrained than usually as Hyungwon basically thrust into his hand, freezing right after.

“Oh god- n- no, I didn't want to tease you I just- I want you to feel good, you must be suffering so much,” the black-haired man gasped out, pausing the motions of his hand like he was out for blood, torturing Hoseok further. The big brown eyes fluttered shut like he was feeling exceptionally good although he hadn't done much yet.

“I won't let you torture me like this. I'll taste you and then we'll go dance, okay?” Hoseok didn't wait for a confirmation and pulled Hyungwon's pants down, crawling between the other man's legs and breathing hot air against his tip. 

“P-please,” the gorgeous man wimphered and curled his long fingers into the sheets next to his hips. The way Hyungwon shifted on the mattress caused his loose t-shirt to ride up above his navel, revealing golden skin.

“Ah, so gorgeous, I missed touching you.” He licked over Hyungwon's tip and took it into his mouth, sucking harshly and digging his tongue into the slit. Both of his hands settled around the other man's hips, lifting them occasionally to have better access.

Hyungwon moaned loudly, barely able to restrain himself with how he reacted, knuckles turning white from holding onto the sheets and thighs shivering from pleasure. There was no way that he would hold out for long, black hair rubbing against the pillows from the force with which the beautiful man threw his head from side to side. 

“Oh- oh god, Hoseok, I missed you too, I did, I just thought- fuck- I want you so much.”

He deepthroated him, sinking all the way down and humming loudly. Hoseok was so fucking hard, the past days were torture.

_ Because last time you didn't have him next to you 24 hours every day. _

The other man instantly tensed before releasing himself between Hoseok’s lips with a scream, whole body turning limp as Hyungwon's chest rose and fell with heavy breaths.

“Would you- would you-" the black-haired man began but just couldn't get it out, chewing on his lip instead and gripping the sheets so hard Hoseok worried that they would rip.

He sucked up and placed a soft kiss on the other man's tip before licking his lips deliberately. 

“You're delicious.”

“I want to make you feel good, would you- would you let me?” Hyungwon asked hesitantly while watching Hoseok’s mouth, following each motion of his tongue like a spell.

_ He probably thinks that he can't touch you or some similar bullshit. _

Hoseok let himself fall on the sheets next to Hyungwon and crossed his arms behind his head.

“All yours.”

He could see how the black-haired man swallowed, pulling his pants back up and crawling next to Hoseok. Reaching out tentatively, Hyungwon caressed his naked arms until his t-shirt, dipping under it a little bit while stroking along his chest and abdominal muscles.

The other seemed to fight with himself as he lifted Hoseok’s shirt to uncover his chest, although he had already seen it countless of times. Travelling further, Hyungwon brushed over his painfully hard erection, reacting to every little touch, despite how short and meaningless it was.

“Would you-" his boyfriend began and swallowed before continuing, eyes shutting tightly. “Would you f-fuck my mouth while I t-touch your naked thighs? Or am I asking too m- much?”

_ Yes. _

Hoseok sat up and pulled his shirt over his head, taking his pants and underwear off in five seconds, and looked at Hyungwon.

“But I'll stand for that to work.” Standing up, he leaned against the wall next to Hyungwon's bed. Isolating his index finger, he beckoned the handsome black-haired man over.

_ Thank god that you aren't self conscious. At all. _

Hyungwon's face was so obvious, immediately showing what he thought as his eyes widened, just like his pupils and the air got stuck in his lungs. The other man followed every step of his, watching intently until he slowly crawled over, kneeling right in front of him. Curling his long fingers around the seam of his t-shirt, Hyungwon pulled it off, chewing on his cheek.

“You- you like it more like this, r-right?”

“Fuck, I like you completely naked,” he hissed, raking a hand through Hyungwon's pitch-black hair. 

His boyfriend swallowed before carefully slipping out of his sweatpants and briefs, staring at Hoseok’s thighs in the process like he tried to make it easier for himself.

“You're gorgeous, fuck my life,” Hoseok exclaimed, brushing a hand through his long hair, reminding him of the fact that he needed a haircut.

Hyungwon licked over his lips and reached out carefully, curling his hands around Hoseok’s thighs and rubbing up and down, his own slim body responding to the action.

Hoseok placed his index finger on top of Hyungwon's lower lip, stroking over it and dipping the digit into the other man's hot mouth. Imagination was a scary thing.

Hyungwon moaned, licking over it and moved forward, so that he reached Hoseok’s knuckle. Sucking on his finger, the black-haired man moved back, watching him with big eyes.

_ Fucking tease. _

Hoseok moaned, removed the finger and curled his hand around his twitching erection. He slid the head over Hyungwon's wet lips with a hiss, cursing at how fucking hot it looked.

The other man waited patiently, like he followed every action and word of his, unwilling to break eye contact for even a second. Inhaling through his nose, Hyungwon parted his lips a little and dipped his tongue into the slit of Hoseok’s dick before returning it to his warm mouth.

“I want you so much, fuck,” Hoseok whispered and exhaled through his nose while stroking over his painfully hard erection once.

“I want you too,” Hyungwon breathed over his dick and opened his mouth, eyes fluttering shut for a short moment before focusing on him again.

Hoseok felt like a tensed animal. Hyungwon was kneeling in front of him, naked and fucking gorgeous, with his plump lips parted and ready to take him. Drawing a quick breath, he pushed himself inside Hyungwon's mouth. It felt so good, the hot wetness consumed his sanity in seconds. He moaned loudly, sinking his hands into the silky black hair and tugging a little.

The way the black-haired man moaned at the action, sending vibrations through his erection, only fuelled him further. Hyungwon's hands dug into his thighs, massaging them and stroking over the firm muscles as he let Hoseok do as he pleased.

He went slow at first, but it was hard to hold back, so he picked up pace while paying attention to Hyungwon's eyes. The other man's long thin fingers felt so nice against his skin, digging into the muscles of his thighs and sending additional sensations to his groin. Hoseok tightened the grip on Hyungwon's hair and pushed himself further between his thick lips.

The moans around his erection only got louder as the other man breathed through his nose and relaxed his throat, inviting Hoseok deeper by pulling at his thighs a little, fingers scratching over his pale skin.

_ You can do it, he likes it. _

Hoseok could see it, glancing between Hyungwon's legs, the arousal was obvious despite the previous orgasm. He took a deep breath and moved faster and rougher, moaning. He felt his muscles tense under Hyungwon's fingertips and let out a low groan when the tension broke and he came down the other man's throat.

“Fuck, you're so fucking gorgeous, Hyungwon.” He wiped the tears from the other man's cheeks and stroked over his black hair.

His boyfriend sucked his way up and placed a kiss on top of his tip before sitting down on his calves, breathing heavily.

“I- I really enjoy taking it a- all for you,” Hyungwon whispered and leaned in again, licking over his tip once. The black-haired man shifted a little and chewed on his lower lip, watching Hoseok with fascination.

“I love it when you're naked,” he murmured, mind still a little clouded from the intense orgasm.

“B-but there is nothing special about my body,” Hyungwon whispered in reply and glanced down at his legs, hands sliding along the whole length of his thighs. The red marks were basically gone with how Hoseok had taken care of them, putting cream on regularly.

“It's special because you're everything I want.” Hoseok pulled him up and curled his arms around his slim waist. “When you feel better I want you to masturbate for me and I'll watch.”

“W- what?” Hyungwon gasped, eyes opening wide. The beautiful arms instantly circled his neck as the black-haired man remained shocked. “I- I don't really masturbate, not m- much at least. J- just when I thought of t- touching you in the shower.” Swallowing, the other man pulled himself closer, bodies flush against each other, obviously blushing even more. “But i- if your face will be like just now, I'll do it.”

“You bet it will, you're so hot,” he murmured and kissed Hyungwon's swollen lips, licking into his mouth and tasting himself on the other man's tongue.

_ You wanted to go dancing but you created an oral feast instead. Great success. _

He wanted to say something but his phone started ringing, ringtone giving him the chills.

_ Mom. _

Kissing Hyungwon quickly, he slipped into his underwear - because talking to his mom with his dick out felt kinda strange - walked out of the bedroom and picked up.

“Where are you, Hoseok? Why aren't you home? Did you forget that you were supposed to get the car and meet my friends at the airport?” His mother sounded annoyed and he felt like punching a wall.

_ Why is she like this? _

“What friends? I have no idea what you're talking about and I wrote you that I'm busy this week and literally won't be able to do anything.” He couldn't believe that his mom didn't get it. He wrote a whole explanation.

“Yes, but why would you care about someone being depressed, Hoseok? Just leave them be and keep fulfilling your responsibilities. Get the car in an hour because they're landing at six so you should be there by then.” He felt how anger boiled inside his veins at the ignorance. Kihyun was right, his mother didn't give a single shit about what he wanted and why.

“I care because I want to care. I'm not going to get anyone from anywhere, you can ask Changkyun or let them take a cab, whatever.” Adrenaline rushed through his veins, it was almost deafening how fast his heart beat and how hard it was for him to say no.

_ You need to be able to say no, Hoseok. You are not their slave. _

“Are you crazy? It's because you're hanging out with mental people like Kihyun, and now this other guy has gone crazy? Get the car and get my friends or don't talk to me.” His mother sounded strict and emotionless, it was scary.

_ This isn't it, Hoseok. You're better than that and Hyungwon is better than that. _

“I was crazy and now I'm fine. I'm not your fucking slave, mom, I have my own problems and responsibilities. I'm taking care of it all by myself without you even listening to what I deal or dealt with. If you want something from me, start acting like a proper parent first. And don't you fucking dare say anything about the people who are close to me,” he hissed into the phone and hung up. He leaned against the wall and sucked in a deep breath. He wanted to cry so badly, remembering all those times he had done every fucking thing for his mother to be happy and satisfied. It was frustrating and sad. 

Suddenly arms closed around his neck and warm lips pressed a kiss to his cheek. Hyungwon had dressed again and pressed him as close as possible to his slim body.

“I'm sorry, Hoseok, I'm sorry you have to deal with this,” the other man whispered.

“We all have to deal with one thing or another,” he replied, feeling the first tears run down his cheeks and hugged back, trying to suppress the shiver.

“It's okay, come here,” Hyungwon murmured and stroked over his hair, letting him lean against his shoulder and holding him close. “I just wish that this something wouldn't be me. I want to be a strength.”

“Why would it be you, Hyungwon? It doesn't matter what it is or who it is, it was the same with Ben and with Kihyun. It's a scheme.” He buried his face in Hyungwon's slim shoulder, soaking the other man's shirt in his tears.

“Well- she did say that I'm mental and I'm not sure I could really argue against that.” The black-haired man chuckled and continued to stroke over Hoseok’s hair, keeping him close. “But that's still not a reason to treat you like Cinderella. I'm proud of you, Hoseok, proud that you said no.”

“She also thinks that Kihyun is mental because he called her a crazy, selfish bitch once. Well, wait until my brother comes complaining and my father, she's a nice person to them, so they're sad when she's angry.”

“Kyungwon- Kyungwon always says that just because someone is family doesn't mean it justifies being a heartless piece of shit,” Hyungwon replied and placed a kiss on top of his head. “Of course he meant our mom but I'm pretty sure that applies to yours as well. You will just tell them that she didn't care about something that was really important to you. I love you, Hoseok, thank you for staying with me and considering me important.”

“Of course you're important, you fool.” Hoseok chuckled through his tears and lifted Hyungwon up, twirling him around and kissing him right after. “Let's go dance together, I got the keys from Beef-bro.”

“Beef-bro?” Hyungwon laughed loudly, holding onto Hoseok with a yelp and tightening his legs around his hips. His boyfriend’s smile was bright and beautiful, taking up most of the space in his face in addition to his big, brown eyes. “You mean Hyunwoo? I'd love to dance with you, Hoseok. You can laugh at my lack of skill and my stick legs. We can k-kiss against the mirror. Oh god- I love you so much, please stay with me and let me make you happy. Don't let go of me and just twirl me around like this forever.”

Hyungwon was the most lovable and adorable person on earth, making him forget that his family situation was shit and would blow up in a bit, and turning everything into a big, beautiful cloud instead. A cloud where only he existed, together with Hyungwon and without anybody else, his big eyes and his beautiful plump mouth spread in a smile.

He really hoped that he could also become such an existence for Hyungwon.

_

 

Hyungwon was so incredibly talented. Even after a week of starving and heavy depression the other man was able to move precisely, performing choreography and freestyle moves as if it was his way of expressing things. It seemed like Hyungwon was a fish, struggling at home and with other people but blooming and coming to life as soon as he drowned in the ocean that was dancing. It was mesmerizing and Hoseok felt happy being able to watch the other man move his body to music. It was as if it had been the only time Hyungwon felt comfortable with it.   
  
After sweating like pigs (mostly Hoseok, Hoseok was the pig) they lay down on the cold, wooden floor, Hyungwon basically collapsing on top of him.   
  
“You are so different when you dance, it’s as if you’re a different person.” Hoseok removed a sweaty strand of black hair from Hyungwon’s forehead.

“A semi-worthy one,” the beautiful man forced out, breathing heavily, chest rising and falling quickly. “Although I fucked up at least three times. I got so bad over the past three weeks.” Hyungwon sighed before raising his head to look at him, eyes big and wide.

“Back then when- when I decided to e-end my life, the main trigger had been me fucking up, not even managing the one thing I kind of didn't suck at.” The black-haired man spoke fluently and mostly without stuttering, words only pausing when he had to take another deep breath. “Van Gogh didn't help anymore although I went to the museum every day.”   
  
_ He wanted to commit suicide because he couldn’t dance? _ __  
__  
_ This is extremely serious, Hoseok. _ __  
__  
He nodded and glanced back, focusing his gaze on Hyungwon’s pretty cheeks and eyebrows uncovered by the brushed back hair.   
  
“You look absolutely mesmerizing when you dance. In my opinion, you didn't fuck up even once, it was just a different movement that integrated into the choreography and that was only visible to you, not to others. I think it might be the same with your thoughts too. You think you suck at things and are ugly or whatever, whereas others like me or your brother consider you an amazing person and don’t see your problem at all. Why did you go to the Van Gogh Museum? Isn’t it depressing as fuck?” he asked and shifted a little under Hyungwon, fabric sticking to his body like a wet cloth.

“Well-" the black-haired man began and shrugged with his shoulders, a single sweat drop running down his temple. “To me it was a little motivating too. Van Gogh had been convinced that he had to do so much, to begin a new era of art, and only when he felt like he had achieved that, did he commit suicide, giving up. And I went there and just felt like I had achieved absolutely nothing yet, so I wasn't allowed the bliss of dying.” Hyungwon immediately lifted his right hand, gesturing in front of Hoseok’s face. “But I don't really think like that anymore, I'm sorry for saying stuff like that. I know that Kyungwon needs me, my brain just likes to filter that out when I feel really down.”   
  
“Kyungwon needs you? But what about yourself? Doesn’t the smiling Hyungwon who likes to dance and gets shy if his boyfriend stares him down need you? I imagine it to be a fight against yourself but you always have to think about this other half of you, the one that can and wants to enjoy things, that loves cuddling and is loved by his boyfriend, brother and friends.” Hoseok was serious, he really wanted to understand, this discussion wasn’t about judging or telling Hyungwon what to do. He was curious.

The beautiful man glanced to the side, appearing in thought before he breathed in and returned his big eyes to Hoseok’s.

“It's like- he's there I guess, but somehow he also knows that the same crippling feeling will return and sometimes the current me doesn't know if he's worth it. It hurts a lot, so is all that short happiness really worth it? Even when I feel happy I can ruin it for myself, thinking I don't deserve any of this. That I don't deserve you next to me like this, looking so beautiful with your curved mouth and staring at me like there is nobody you would like to look at more.” Hyungwon swallowed, expression emotional like he meant every word. “It's overwhelming and it makes me stomp on that negative part of me until it shuts up, but will it? I just don't know.”   
  
“But you must be used to thinking like that, there must be a possibility to learn how to control it, or at least doubt it. Your skin, is it something that is so important that it changes your mood? Because I realized when we met the first couple of times, you were so shy and extremely hesitant although you looked as if you wanted to be close to me.” Hoseok leaned forward and placed a kiss on Hyungwon’s thick lips.   


“I always wanted to be close to you, but I was scared that you'll see my scars and won't want me anymore and the thought alone that you could ever like me seemed just impossible. You know, it's like-" Hyungwon rubbed his fingers together and wiped a few more drops from his forehead. “Like- I know the techniques, I know that I need to remind myself of the things I've done well, I even have a book where I write it down, I know that it's biological and my brain just tries to explain it. But whenever I make a mistake or see the scars I just remember all those reactions back in school and it just seems so dumb to think positively.”   
  
“Ah, Kihyun also has a mood and activity diary. He told me that he works because talking to people at the cafe helps him to have more positive thoughts. He read stuff from his diary to me and told me to do things with you, stuff you might enjoy and to just force you,” Hoseok murmured and chuckled. “Kihyun was similar back then, but he must have a milder form with less risk factors or something, he’s been stable for a long time now. You’re amazing for holding on like this, it must be hard.”

“It is double depression. Kyungwon is actually lucky that he's not affected, the therapist told me,” Hyungwon murmured and placed his elbows on each side of Hoseok’s head, leaning in to press a very hesitant kiss against his lips. “Kihyun is a really good friend, I like him, he seems so strong. I'm very thankful. I'm happy you have someone like that.”   
  
“He likes you too. He cares a lot about you, he usually doesn’t care about anyone apart from me,” Hoseok commented and grinned. “Me and money.”   


His boyfriend looked shocked, eyes wide.

“But he doesn't even really know me, we only talked shortly about depression and he was really genuine with me, opening up and I was just hesitant and boring.” Hyungwon chewed on his lip before kissing him again. “Or maybe that's just my head, I really don't know what's true and what isn't.”   
  
“I think it’s very understandable that people immediately like you. You’re very genuine and adorable. Actually, the things you don’t like about yourself, they make you very likable.” Hoseok brushed a loose strand behind Hyungwon’s cute, little ear. “So how is it to have me around 24/7? Must be super tiring for you who just lay in bed and liked thigh pics on Twitter.”

Hyungwon laughed loudly and shook his head furiously, curling his long fingers into Hoseok’s blonde hair.

“It was amazing, Hoseok, it- I can't even describe it. It felt like I was this shitty plant and you talked to me and did plant magic, watering me,” the black-haired man muttered, speaking clearly, only glancing away because of the colour that covered his cheeks. “Apart from Kyungwon you're the first person that I want next to me at all times. You hugged me and talked to me and- I want to cry just thinking about this week ending.”   
  
“I just want to stay,” Hoseok murmured and sighed, curling his arms around Hyunwon’s waist and squishing the other man a little.

“I also want you to stay, although it's greedy,” his boyfriend whispered and closed the distance between their lips, licking into his mouth while smiling a little. “You're salty, but I like it somehow.”   
  
“You’re not greedy, you’re perfectly reasonable. I love how you taste but we should go home and take a shower.” Kissing back, Hoseok turned them so that he was hovering over the other man’s slim body. His slightly wet hair was touching Hyungwon’s forehead while the other man looked at him with his big, round eyes and his lips parted in anticipation. Hoseok smiled, leaned in and pressed their lips together.

The black-haired man instantly hugged back, pulling him close and gasping into his mouth.

“I love you so much, oh god,” Hyungwon muttered and licked over his lips, actions eager like he didn't want to let go. It seemed so intimate after the long talk, after being together for four days already and after sharing the most basic things with each other. Hoseok felt so close to the person that had been lying under him, it felt as if he was somehow able to make the other man happy with his presence.   
  
“I love you too, Hyungwon. We will manage, don’t worry.” Hoseok let himself sink deeper, remaining in a plank and touching Hyungwon’s body under him without applying any pressure while he licked and sucked on the other man’s bottom lip.

“I feel at ease when I'm with you,” his boyfriend whispered and pulled him even closer, trying to close the distance. “I want to feel your weight, k- know that you're really here, with me.”

He complied, sinking down and propping up on one arm only, using the free hand to stroke over Hyungwon's slim side and hip bone.

_ It's him. _

“You- you make me happy, you really do.” The words were barely audible, murmured against his pale cheek before plump lips touched his again, slim body melting into his. “I'll- I'll be okay, I'll try to be, for you, Hoseok.”

Something about the said words seemed wrong to him. It was affectionate and tender, but a strange feeling developed inside his chest that he couldn't find the source of.

_ You won't be able to solve this alone, Hoseok. _

 

***

 

It felt like he wasn't really himself. Sure, he still returned to negative thoughts and wished the painful sensation in his chest to disappear, but at the same time he went out, he drank coffee in cafes, took walks in the park, went dancing, all of those things with Hoseok next to him.

_ You always think that you want to be alone, but actually you don't, do you? _

It was relieving to have Hoseok around, to have someone to listen and to disagree with his destructive thoughts, to show him positive things when his head wasn't able to. Hyungwon just wanted him to be around forever even though it was greedy. His boyfriend had already, purposefully, taken time out of his busy schedule just to help him get him back on his feet and make him happy. Who was he to ask for more?

_ You have to get better, even if it's just for him. _

His vocabulary wasn't sufficient to describe how mesmerizing it was to lie on the cold floor in the dance studio, sweat drops developing on his forehead and Hoseok’s attractive body resting on top of him. The weight made the whole thing seem so much more real, like the other man had really chosen to spend all that time with him, to be close to him and kiss him tenderly. Hyungwon wanted to be close, as close as possible.

It was always so difficult for him to express what he wanted, worried that he was forcing something on the beautiful, blonde man that rested most of his weight on one elbow to not squish Hyungwon too much. Hoseok was so affectionate and the sight sent warmth through his chest in addition to the wish to cry. He wouldn't have cried because of pain or because he was sad, it was just the realization that someone as gorgeous as the man on top of him genuinely considered him worthy, worthy to be with, to touch and to kiss. To love.

“Would you- would you take me home, Hoseok?” he whispered quietly, long fingers stroking along the sides of Hoseok’s sweaty t-shirt and the curve of his hips.   
  
“Mhm, let’s go home and shower and drink smoothies while wearing towels only,” the other man commented and laughed with his mouth open before jumping up to his feet. Hyungwon had no idea why Hoseok still had energy left to jump and pull him up after grabbing his hand.

_ He's like an energy drink, you love those. _

He yelped in surprise and genuinely considered just letting himself fall to the ground again but Hoseok was faster, instantly pulling him along. Hyungwon was way too tired to walk so they just called a cab, bridging the 25 minute walking distance in 5. He was shy but he still managed to put his head on the blonde man's shoulders, who was examining the interior of the Tesla cab they ended up in.

_ He's so gorgeous, the way his eyes light up when he's fascinated by something. _

Arriving at his apartment, Hyungwon chewed on his cheek, unsure how to get his thoughts across without being too obvious and possibly upsetting the other man.

_ Just don't blush. _

“H-Hoseok,” he started, but the blood had already begun to rush to his face, probably visible without the need for a second glance. “Is it- is it okay if I shower alone?”   
  
The other man leaned in and examined his facial expressions carefully.   
  
“You want to shower alone? But without knives, razors or other bullshit.” Hoseok narrowed his gaze until he probably recognized the reason for the blush covering his cheeks. 

“Oh- ooooh okaaay.” The other man grinned and leaned back. “Sure, feel free.”

Hyungwon swallowed and examined the change in Hoseok’s mood.

_ You were obvious. _

Chewing on his cheek, he covered his face with his right palm although it was too late already and sprinted to the bathroom, hoping to avoid further embarrassment.

Hoseok had cleaned up a lot. Instead of the ripped motivational post-its, there were new ones, written in his pretty handwriting and instead of covering all of the mirror they created a small circle, probably for the other man to be able to see his pretty face while brushing his teeth.

Hyungwon stared at it, examining his own, red face and the way his hair stuck out randomly from brushing through it while he danced. It wasn't that bad, it really wasn't. 

_ As long as Hoseok thinks you're beautiful it's okay, isn't it? _

Biting down on his bottom lip, he read through a few of the notes. One said ‘You’re so beautiful when you blush‘ while another on the opposite side had ‘I love you and you should love yourself too‘ written on top of it. Both were able to put a small smile on Hyungwon's face. It seemed less like an attempt of his to lie to himself, but rather a genuine thought.

Removing his gaze from the mirror, he began undressing, throwing the sweaty clothes into the wash and avoiding staring at his legs too much, it would have just made him unhappy and he wanted to be happy for the gorgeous blonde man. Happy and beautiful, someone that Hoseok wished to be close to.

He stepped in the shower and tried to hurry up, scrubbing his skin thoroughly and washing his hair with the shampoo that Kyungwon had brought two days ago, smelling like strawberries.

Biting down on his lips, he cleaned up, preparing himself to be close to the other man and hoping that it hadn't been too obvious. Hyungwon didn't want Hoseok to think that he had to be close to him, even if he didn't want to.

Drying himself with a fluffy towel, he forced himself not to dress but stay wrapped, just like Hoseok wanted. 

_ 'Drinking smoothies in towels only’ he said.  _

“Y- you can shower if you l-like,” he stuttered as soon as he saw the gorgeous man who had been leaning against the doorframe, naked. He instantly stared at his own naked feet, embarrassed by what he kept on thinking about without saying it.

_ You can't just jump him, let him shower. You're too much of a pussy anyway. _ __  
__  
“Thank you, I undressed already to make it quick,” the other man commented and chuckled before curling his arms around him and placing a kiss on the crook of his neck. “Mhm, you smell so nice.”

“It's- it's s-strawberry,” Hyungwon mumbled back although it was absolutely irrelevant and Hoseok could probably tell. He felt the blush return, heating up his face and wished that Hoseok would just throw him against a wall so he wouldn't have to be embarrassed and think about all of this.

_ You can't fucking say that you want him anyway, why are you bothering? _ __  
__  
“I’ll make it quick,” Hoseok whispered into his ear in his low voice that immediately sent shivers down his spine combined with the hot exhale that followed. The other man leaned back and walked past him, beautifully naked, before closing the door behind himself.

Hyungwon couldn't help but watch the way Hoseok’s gorgeous, muscular form walked along the hallway, back broad and thighs thick.

_ Get a grip. _

Inhaling sharply, he slipped down the wall, curling the towel further around himself and trying to cover his legs. He didn't want them to be the first thing Hoseok saw once he left the bathroom.

_ You have to be attractive somehow. Why can't you just tell him? _

In porn they also never talked about wanting to have sex, it just happened smoothly, suddenly kissing, undressing and getting it on. But Hyungwon couldn't be smooth, he just blushed and acted like an idiot. Attempting to breathe calmly, he listened to the sound of the shower until it stopped and he panicked a little, pulling his legs together and chewing on his cheek.   
  
It took about a minute until the door opened and Hoseok appeared, pale skin still covered in small drops with a towel wrapped around the other man’s broad hips.   
  
“Mh? What are you doing on the floor?” Hoseok asked and stared at him in surprise.

“I'm-" Hyungwon didn't really know what he was doing on the floor. Being pathetic probably. “I'm waiting for y- you. You said you wanted to b- be in towels and drink smoothies.”

_ You're a pussy, Hyungwon. _ __  
__  
“And you thought we would be drinking smoothies while sitting on the floor in your hallway?” Hoseok grinned and crouched down. The towel moved in the process, uncovering the other man’s pale, thick thighs. Hyungwon swallowed, unable to look away as his eyes followed the way the muscles flexed.

“I- I don't know,” he murmured and felt how blood rushed through his body, loud in his ears. Hoseok was so beautiful and caring and Hyungwon wanted to be close to him so bad but he had no fucking idea how to do that. He couldn't just say ‘could you please be inside me?’. How the hell did people initiate things like that? They were already almost naked and still he was sitting on the floor like a lost kid, trying to cover his legs.   
  
“Should we go to the living room? Or do you intend on staying on the floor?” Hoseok’s smile had something nasty, as if the other man knew of his struggles but purposefully decided not to act.

“A- as you like,” Hyungwon whispered and slowly got up, trying not to stare at his legs too much and watching the way Hoseok’s thighs flexed instead. He waddled to the living room, feeling like a duck with the noises that his feet made. Hoseok was so difficult to read, like he knew exactly what Hyungwon wanted but teased him with it.

_ Maybe he wants you to say it although you can't? _

“So, what kind of smoothie do you want?” The blonde brushed his wet hair back and pulled the towel a little lower, revealing his prominent, veiny v-line. Fuck. 

_ He's doing it on purpose.  _

Hyungwon bit down on his lower lip, enough to hurt as he loosened his grip on his towel, feeling it slip down his shoulder.

“I don't want a smoothie,” he forced out, inhaling sharply and feeling like his face was on fire.   
  
“Oh, you don’t?” Hoseok was making fun of him, acting out a drama all by himself. “Do you want something else? Coffee?” The other man licked his lips and let his gaze travel along Hyungwon’s mostly uncovered legs and shoulder.

_ He wants you, he's just playing with you. _

Hyungwon wanted to punch him, much like he wanted to punch Kyungwon whenever his brother made fun of him just to hear what he wanted to hear.

_ Just that you fall for it every fucking time. _

Drawing a deep breath, he let his towel sink to the ground, uncovering his body and crossed the distance, climbing on top of Hoseok’s lap and curling his arms around the other man's broad neck, face on fire.

“You- I want you,” he whispered and licked over his lips, still afraid of rejection although it made no fucking sense, especially with the way Hoseok had looked at him. “I- I w-want you inside of me.”   
  
“We agree on this one,” Hoseok groaned and curled his muscular arms around his waist, leaning in and licking into his mouth immediately. The other man seemed equally eager and starved of body contact, judging by the movements of his hands that were basically everywhere and all over Hyungwon’s body.

He couldn't contain a moan, meeting the kiss with vigour and already wishing for it all. Hoseok was everything he considered attractive and more, able to carry him around and bend him like a doll if he wished. Grabbing the other man's blonde hair, Hyungwon tilted Hoseok’s head and attached his lips to the gorgeous neck, sucking on it before licking over the abused spot. He wanted to touch everything, make the other man feel good and be praised.

“I- I want to make you feel r-really good,” he moaned and rolled his hips automatically, without meaning to.   
  
“Fuck, I’m fucking starving, but patience is a virtue, so let’s have some fun first.” Hoseok thrust up before pulling his towel from under Hyungwon’s ass. “I want you to fuck my mouth while you suck me off.” The blonde’s gaze was glued to his face, his eyes were almost black with how much space the pupils took up and there was blush covering the pale cheeks.

It was so beautiful that Hyungwon smiled, leaning in and placing a kiss on each cheek before carefully climbing off the other man's lap. He had no idea how Hoseok wanted it to work but he was pretty flexible and in porn it also worked.

“H- here or on the ground?” he asked and hoped that he wouldn't embarrass himself with his lack of knowledge.   
  
“Ground, I also got lube so it’ll be more fun,” the blonde man commented and brushed his hair back with a grin. Slipping from the couch, Hoseok lay down on the carpet and beckoned him over.

_ He was prepared, he got everything ready while you showered, contemplating how to be close.  _

Hyungwon blushed and let his body sink to the floor, hoping that the way the other man looked at him was an accurate representation of reality. Hesitating for a moment, he placed his knees close to Hoseok’s head but felt a little too shy to just force his dick into his face. Instead he leaned in already and licked over the tip of the blonde man's erection, unable to contain a moan. He loved pleasuring Hoseok so much.   
  
His boyfriend didn’t give a single shit, simply taking his thigh, placing it next to his head and pushing him down by grabbing his hips with both hands. Hoseok licked over his entrance and blew air against it.    
  
“I don’t even know what to touch first, I want everything.” Hoseok’s low voice vibrated against his skin.

Hyungwon gasped around the other man's tip and let it pop out of his mouth with a lewd noise.

“Y- you can have everything you want,” he replied before tightening his lips and sucking his way down Hoseok’s dick until he felt it hit the back of his throat. His own erection twitched at the sensation accompanied by a groan and he dug his hands into the blonde man's muscular thighs, loving the way they flexed under his fingertips.   
  
“Mhm, I’ll take it,” Hoseok groaned and continued his ministrations, sucking on his balls before shifting a little and taking him between his tight lips, sucking and tracing the veins.

Hyungwon moaned, feeling his legs shake at the sudden burst of pleasure. He wanted to do a good job, so he just followed what Hoseok did, using his tongue and sucking harshly while digging into the slit. He wished to hear the other man moan, to enjoy it and to make him just want to throw Hyungwon over the edge of the couch and fuck him into oblivion.    
  
Hoseok was going places, pushing his hips into his face and humming over his erection before the strong hands left him and he felt Hoseok’s lube-covered fingers against his entrance. It didn’t take long until the other man sucked on his tip harshly and pushed two digits into him, rubbing the sensitive spot inside of him.

Hyungwon almost screamed, overwhelmed by the combination, especially after not having had anything inside of him for weeks. He let go of Hoseok’s erection and whimpered, resting his head on the other man's thighs before forcing himself to continue and deep-throating the blonde man all the way. The pleasure was like lightning that began in his lower body and spread out, sparks strong and sending shivers through his legs. He wanted him so fucking much.

“I- I won't last, Hoseok,” he groaned as he let go of the thick erection again and just fell forward, moaning loudly. “P-please.”   
  
“I missed your pretty ass so much,” Hoseok hissed after letting him go and placing a kiss against his entrance as a finish.

_ You missed him inside of your pretty ass. _

Hyungwon blushed at his thought and chewed on his lip, hoping that he wasn't too obvious.

“W-will you-" he began and pinched his own thigh to get his shit together. “Will you m-manhandle me and be i- inside of me? I- I really want you to.”   
  
“Mhm, but this time we'll take it slow so you can enjoy all of it, okay?” Hoseok grabbed his leg and placed it next to his head to be able to sit up. “Lie down on your back,” he ordered and took a condom from the couch, ripping the package and rolling it over his gorgeous and thick erection.

“O-on the couch?” Hyungwon asked but already stood up and let his slim body hit the pillows, chewing on his cheek in anticipation and spreading his legs slowly. He could have watched Hoseok for hours.

_ He makes you react so much. _ __  
__  
“Good boy,” Hoseok whispered and licked over his lips, lubing up and walking over to him. “Spread your legs for me.” The blonde man crawled on top of the couch, settling between his thighs.

Hyungwon felt his body react at the praise, blush and erection instantly revealing what he liked. Glancing to the side in embarrassment, he lifted his legs up, making sure to rest on the couch, and spread them slowly while holding onto his own thighs. He felt self conscious, but the way Hoseok watched intently argued against his negative thoughts. The blonde must have liked every second.   
  
“Exactly, just like that,” Hoseok murmured and he could feel the other man’s tip pressing and drawing circles against his entrance. “And now try to relax your body completely.” The blonde man reached for his mouth, licking over his index finger and stroking over his nipple with the wet fingertip.

Hyungwon gasped and closed his eyes, imagining how he just let go, but the image was easier than the actual action. His heart beat furiously in anticipation, body yearning for pleasure but not willing to work for it.

“I- I'll try,” he whispered and opened his eyes, realizing that he was much better at this when he could look at Hoseok’s beautiful face and the way his abdominal muscles contracted, probably because of holding back.

_ It's because he really wants you. _

Hyungwon imagined Hoseok carrying his whole weight and finally felt his muscles relax, lips parting at the sensations and at how big Hoseok seemed compared to his slim hips.

“Holy fuck,” he muttered, eyes wide.   
  
The other man watched him intently before moving forward and breaching him slowly. Hoseok’s hand was still caressing his nipple and the bliss on the beautiful face was enough of a confirmation that he liked it.   
  
“Good boy, you’re doing it just right,” Hoseok whispered, low voice sending sparks through his skin. Hyungwon loved the praise, it made it so much easier for him, pleasure at seeing the other man enjoy himself coursing through his body.

“I- I love to see you feel good,” he whispered and spread his legs a little further, lifting them up with his arms. Hoseok was indeed big, taking up all the space but without the unpleasant pain this time, much more smooth. It was gorgeous to watch how the other man's muscles contracted as he slipped forward. “And I can't believe that you f- fit.”

The blonde man on top of him moved further, filling him out slowly and brushing against the sensitive part in the process, but it was too slow to make him scream.

His body burned already at the knowledge that Hoseok could have pushed into him with more force and sent pleasure through his system. Gasping loudly, he tried to meet the motion, to show Hoseok that it was okay to move and that he wanted to feel more. His legs tingled from the sensation of being filled out.

“I want it a- all,” he whispered, eyes widening and staring at Hoseok’s beautiful face.

“You're less tense than last time.” Hoseok pushed until their thighs were touching and twitched inside of him with a moan.

“Fuck, oh my fucking god,” Hyungwon moaned loudly, twitch hitting just right and drowning his body in pleasure for a short instant. “P-please, move- do as you like- I'm fine- just.” He was so fucking desperate. The way the blonde man filled him out made it seem like he could barely move, body shivering and wishing for more, to drown in the same pleasure and forget his own name. He was fine, he just needed more. “Please.”

Hoseok moved, slow and sensual, letting him adjust to the size and leaning in to place kisses on his chest. It was so affectionate, the way the blonde man caressed his skin and touched him, black eyes focused on his face like he was the most precious thing the other had ever laid eyes on. Hyungwon breathed heavily, whimpering whenever Hoseok hit just right. It felt good, really good.

“K-kiss me, please,” he whispered, eyes opening wide and lips parting. He kept his legs up and raised while reaching for Hoseok’s neck to pull him closer, moaning at the way his hips shifted. The stretch was barely recognizable, only leaving the arousing sensation of being filled up. Hyungwon would have loved to watch what it looked like. “Do you- do you feel good?”

“You feel so fucking good, shit,” Hoseok muttered and leaned in, clashing their lips together, the blonde man was eager, licking into his mouth and moaning at his own movements.

_ You make him feel this way. _

“You- you can go faster,” Hyungwon exhaled against the curved mouth and crossed his legs behind Hoseok’s back, hoping that it was good enough of a grip. “Do as you like- I love- I love it all.” He wanted to stop thinking, to be unable to form a coherent thought. He wanted Hoseok to bend him in half and fuck him into the mattress, just like the other man had mentioned before, to watch the way his thick erection disappeared inside of his body. But he couldn't say it, as always. He wanted Hoseok to tell him what to do, to praise him and to drive him absolutely mad.

“I should, you're taking it so well, I should make you scream,” Hoseok groaned and bent him in half, alternating sensual movements with fast and rough thrusts. It felt so good, sparks of pleasure mixing with heavy breaths.

“Shit- shit- shit,” he cursed, moaning loudly. The sound resembled a scream and the pleasure forced him to curl his toes, body contracting around the thick erection inside of him. “Fuck me up, Hoseok, please- m-make me unable to think.”

The other man pulled out and stood up, picking his body up like a bag and walking towards the wall and pressing Hyungwon's back against it. A practiced movement was enough for Hoseok to push inside him and let his body slide down his length. 

“Oh my god,” Hyungwon moaned and whimpered, arms curling around the blonde man's neck and fingers sinking into the soft strands. He opened his eyes wide to see what it looked like, watching how Hoseok pressed their chests together and how hard he was from being filled out like that. The other man was good at knowing what he liked, doing exactly that. It didn't even hurt to be pushed against the wall since Hoseok carried all of his weight like it was nothing. “Fuck yes, p-please, m-manhandle me, I l-like it so much, shit.”

_ Why are you talking so much? _

He bit his lip, trying to shut up and threw his head against the wall, pain distracting him from the way his body melted in the other man's strong arms.

“You're being so good to me, fuck, tell me how much you like it, babe,” Hoseok groaned and slammed his hips into him, biting into the crook of his neck.

Hyungwon screamed, unable to contain it and felt his whole body convulse at the onslaught of pleasure, setting his body on fire and numbing his surroundings.

“I feel like- like I'm ablaze,” he gasped out and threw his head against the wall again, trying to hold on tighter with his hands while Hoseok slid him up and down his dick, filling him to the brim. “It's full- but f-fuck, it feels so good.” Forcing his eyes open, he stared right at the almost black orbs, focused on his face while muscular arms held him in place, drowning him in pleasure. Hoseok looked gorgeous, blush spreading over his cheeks and chest while his pale skin glowed from the sweat forming on its surface.

_ You want it all, Hyungwon. Make him burn too. _

“Fuck me harder, Hoseok.”

The other man complied, rough movements resulting in sparks of insanely intense pleasure while Hoseok groaned in his arousing, low voice, holding his body as if it was nothing. Hyungwon just screamed, unable to do anything else as arousal grew at a crazy pace in his groin, tingling along his legs until he felt like he was about to burst, begging incoherently although he didn't even know what he was begging for. 

Hoseok suddenly stopped after burying himself deep inside his body.

“Do you want to come, Hyungwon?” Hoseok groaned, biting into his neck.

“Fuck- yes, p-please,” he mumbled back, moaning incoherently and trying to get Hoseok to move. It wasn't very effective with how slim and weak he was, only shifting and changing the angle with which the other man's erection pressed inside of him. “Please, I'm burning.”

“Do you want to see my face or do you want to be filled to the brim feeling every centimeter?” Hoseok groaned again and thrust into him roughly.

The question was way beyond his mental capabilities, eyes closing automatically at the desire for pleasure. He wasn't even able to look at the other man like that, too overwhelmed by how good it felt.

“To the b-brim,” he panted and scratched over Hoseok’s pale skin, unable to help it and leaving thin red lines along the other man's shoulders and biceps.

Hoseok pulled out and moved away from the wall, letting him go until his feet touched the ground. Pressing a kiss against his lips, Hoseok turned him and bent him over the couch, pushing himself inside him until their skin touched.

_ Holy fucking shit. _

Hyungwon coughed because he had forgotten to breathe, body burning up and forcing his eyes to widen. He couldn't help but wonder what it would have felt like without the condom, probably incomparable with how hot and smooth the skin would have been. He relaxed his body as well as he could to make it easy for Hoseok to move and sank his fingers into the soft pillows of the couch, soft moan leaving his lips.

He felt how Hoseok squeezed more lube over his entrance, spreading it by moving in and out slowly.

“Are you ready? Say stop if it hurts or anything, okay?” Hoseok's voice was so soft and he felt how the other man placed kisses over his shoulders and back. 

_ He's so affectionate.  _

Hyungwon swallowed and nodded, feeling emotional all of a sudden and trying to hide it by not speaking. He was so glad that he had decided to let Hoseok close, to have him be the person he opened up to.

_ He really loves you. _

The other man hummed and curled his fingers around his hips, grabbing them in an iron grip and started to move. First carefully, then rough and fast, almost slamming into him and filling him out completely, making him feel every bit of Hoseok's thick length.

It felt crazy, like every coherent thought disintegrated into atoms with each rough thrust into his body, only leaving the feeling and nothing else.

Hyungwon screamed and held onto the pillows with all the strength he could muster, listening to the sound of skin slapping against skin and feeling the coil tightening in his groin with each well aimed thrust inside of him. He wanted to see it but he was so fucking close to bursting.

“I- I'm close,” he forced out before screaming again and hiding his face in the pillows, unable to help the loud moans that left his open mouth.

“Fuck, moan for me, Hyungwon. I want to hear how much you like it,” Hoseok groaned and adjusted the angle a little, hitting dead on.

He screamed again, unable to help himself and gave up on holding his head up, moaning a mixture of curses and Hoseok’s name, drowning in the way it felt. Feeling impatient, he reached between his legs with his right hand and gave his hard erection a few strokes, fitting with the speed of Hoseok’s motions.

The combination was like a battering ram of pleasure, sending him over the edge with a loud groan and shivers that spread along his legs, body contracting around Hoseok repeatedly. It must have felt good with the gorgeous moan that sounded behind him.

“I w- want to see you come,” Hyungwon whispered, worried that he would be too late if he recovered first, mind still hazy.

Hoseok stopped and pulled out, turning him and pushing himself in once again, throwing his legs over his own pale shoulders.

“Fuck, your body is so fucking gorgeous.” The other man alternated pants and moans while moving inside him until his muscles tensed and he buried himself deep inside Hyungwon with a loud moan. It was beautiful, so beautiful that Hyungwon wanted to repeat it all, just to see that face, the way the other man's eyes rolled back behind closed eyelids and his curved lips parted to release sounds of pleasure.

Inhaling sharply, he stroked over Hoseok’s chest, pinching a nipple and caressing the sweaty skin, wanting to add sensations while the blonde man recovered from his orgasm.

“You are ethereal, Hoseok,” he whispered and reached for the pretty face, removing a sweaty strand from the other man's eyes.

The blonde man laughed while trying to catch his breath.

_ Why is he laughing? _

“You took it so well, you must indeed be a good boy, Hyungwon,” Hoseok commented while grinning.

Hyungwon chewed on his cheek and nodded slowly, still worried why the other man had laughed. There hadn't been anything hilarious about his actions.

_ Maybe you're just being dumb again, or pathetic. _

_ Just ask, Hyungwon, maybe you're wrong again. _

“Did- did I do something stupid? Is that w- why you laughed?” he mumbled and bit his lip harshly enough to hurt.

“What? No! I'm just happy and exhausted,” Hoseok exclaimed and let himself fall on Hyungwon, squishing him a little. The relief was instant as he curled his arms around Hoseok’s neck and coughed briefly at the lack of air in his lungs. He didn't even care that they were semi-covered in his cum.

“Somehow everything is a little less messy but also not as nice in porn,” he thought out loud and groaned as soon as he realized. “Oh god- I must sound so naive.”

“No, you sound perfect because you are perfect, I can't believe you're real,” the blonde man murmured into his shoulder, covering his whole body in sweat. “We should shower again. But together this time.”

Hyungwon smiled, stroking over Hoseok’s hair and feeling somehow proud that he was the reason for the other man's happiness, the reason for his smiles and the reason for him being exhausted but euphoric.

“I love you,” he whispered randomly and hoped that it expressed all of his complex thoughts sufficiently, the way his heart still beat crazily and how his legs shivered from being close to the blonde man. That it expressed the warmth in his chest and the wish to get better, even if it was just for the man lying on top of him.

_ For him it's worth it. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 4th of September at 2 PM CET.  
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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>   
>   
> 


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
> [Maria](http://twitter.com/Smut_Hemingway)  
> [@SMUTSIS Official](http://twitter.com/SMUT_SIS)  
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> 

It was Thursday and he was actually supposed to go back home. Hyungwon was better, they were spending all their time together, going out to eat, dancing, taking walks along the canals and spending the insane amount of money Hyungwon had left from his parents. His boyfriend was a good example of someone who seemed as if he had it all but struggled all by himself without anybody knowing or realizing.   
  
They even had sex. Mind-blowing sex. Hyungwon was literally everything Hoseok considered attractive, looks-wise and behaviour-wise. There was just a tiny problem.   
  
_ You don’t want to leave. _ __  
__  
He didn’t. He wanted to be together with Hyungwon at all times. The main reason had been the fact that he really enjoyed the other man’s company in addition to getting much more information about him than in the other four months they had known each other. He also felt better being next to Hyungwon. It felt safe, as if he was able to do something if Hyungwon suddenly decided that life wasn’t for him. It just felt better to be around.   
  
_ You should also stop giving him the feeling that he should only get better because of you. He should get better because he’s worth it, but you can’t make him realize that. _ __  
__  
Hyungwon was still sleeping as he sat in the kitchen, drinking his morning coffee while wearing Hyungwon’s sweatpants that were tighter on his legs and no shirt. Suddenly he heard the key turn in the lock.   
  
_ Kyungwon? _ __  
__  
Hoseok wanted to laugh because he only knew which brother it was because Hyungwon had been sleeping a minute ago, when he checked. Standing up, he walked through the hallway to meet the other man.   
  
“Hey, long time no see.” He smiled and put both hands into the pockets of his sweatpants.

“Nice sweatpants,” Kyungwon remarked with a grin before gesturing towards his crotch. “Your dick seems like it's not really enjoying the party though.” 

Hyungwon's brother looked good, face a healthy colour and lips red although it was difficult to tell how much of it was adjusted with makeup. The long legs were covered by light jeans with gigantic rips all over them and topped off with a loose, cotton button-down, showing most of his chest. Opposed to the last time the other man had visited, there were no bags of food in his hands, just a small gift bag from a premium soap shop.   
  
“Mh? What about my dick?” Hoseok looked down on himself before returning his gaze to Hyungwon’s handsome twin brother. “You look good, much better than last time.”

“I had some time to breathe I guess. You also look good apart from the questionable attire, although it's definitely tight enough.” The grin turned into a smile as Kyungwon replied, slipping out of his expensive shoes and stretching out his right arm to give Hoseok a hug while the other was still busy with the gift bag.   
  
Hoseok curled his arms around Kyungwon’s waist out of habit and pressed him closer for a bit, realizing the weirdness and leaning back right after.   
  
“I wanted to remark the cut of your shirt before realizing that I’m not even wearing one. Want me to get dressed? It’s so hot, so I was just running around like this.”

Kyungwon laughed loudly and raised an eyebrow, throwing Hoseok a judgemental look.

“Listen, I'm not fifteen, I can deal with a naked chest without getting all excited. It's too damn hot, so better naked than sweaty.” Placing the gift bag on the drawer next to him, the black-haired man's expression changed a little. “How's Hyungwon? I kinda- stayed away to give you space. Is he okay?”   
  
“He’s much better, we did a lot of activities, danced, went for food and for walks. It was really nice and we also talked a lot, I kinda don’t want to leave to be honest,” Hoseok murmured. ”I would say that I missed seeing your face but that’s a lie ‘cause Hyungwon literally has the same face.” Grinning, he brushed a loose strand behind Kyungwon’s ear. “Want a badly made coffee?”

“Nah, I'd rather make it myself,” the tall man remarked with a smile and walked through to the kitchen, instantly beginning to take out the coffee machine and putting the parts together. It looked like a routine already. “You know, it was similar for me when he was finally released from the clinic. I lived with him for two months and I was fucking terrified of letting him live alone, although it was a little obsessive. He's adorable to live with, trust me, I know, I've done it for most of my life.”   
  
“Hmm, I don’t know if that’s the main reason, I don’t think so. Of course I feel better when I know what he’s doing and in what kind of mood he is, but the major motivation is that I enjoy it. I can forget that I’m Cinderella and have to talk to my dad and to my brother for making my mom upset, fuck my life.” He remembered that Changkyun had called three times and he had never picked up because he procrastinated and didn’t want to ruin his mood while being with Hyungwon.

“I think I know what you mean although it's of course a little different for you. I also felt like he was just part of me when I lived with him and it got really difficult to get used to being alone again. Fuck- even now I'm not sure I'm used to it.” Kyungwon hummed cheerfully although it didn't fit to his words at all, turning on the coffee machine and filling two cups. “I'm kinda happy you're not being Cinderella. My mom always wanted to make one of us Cinderella too, Hyungwon always did everything but it pissed me off so much that I told her to spend her fucking money if she needs a butler. Hyungwon is sweet, he's not very good at lying but I am, so I guess that's what makes me the one who deals with them. I don't even know when he saw mom and dad last. They didn't visit when he was in the clinic. Assholes.” The other man was like a waterfall of words, talking without much of a break apart from the two seconds in which he poured milk into Hoseok’s coffee and gave it to him.   
  
“You’re affectionate,” Hoseok commented while taking the cup and taking a sip.

That seemed to have thrown the black-haired man off as he took a sip from his coffee and widened his eyes in surprise.

“What? What makes you think that? To me you are the affectionate one.”   
  
“Why am I affectionate? I’m just drinking coffee. You’ve been really taking care of Hyungwon for such a long time, it’s almost like a parent substitution, which you didn’t sign up for. You fought for him in school, you fight with your parents, so that he can have less stress factors, you’re amazing, I wish I was like you.” He took another sip while looking into Kyungwon’s huge eyes. He looked so much like Hyungwon again. The similarity only increased as straight teeth settled on his plump bottom lip, visibly affected by Hoseok’s words. 

“T- thank you, that's rather sudden. Ehm, I wouldn't really say that I didn't sign up for it. I'm the resilient one so I better help out. Hyungwon is really pure, it makes me want to protect and tease him at the same time,” Kyungwon elaborated and glanced to the side, breaking the eye contact for a second or two. Suddenly the handsome man laughed. “He also knows my weaknesses though, so fuck.”   
  
Hoseok grinned at the action. Kyungwon must’ve been the type to open up later and act as if he was all that.   
  
_ Like you. _ __  
__  
“Never thought that I’d say this, but you’re so fucking cute. What are your weaknesses? You act as if you don’t have any, very likable. Not.” He smiled and waited for the other man to answer while leaning his hips against the kitchen counter.

Kyungwon rolled his eyes dramatically.

“Excuse me while I go and wash out my ears with chloride,” he remarked and drank some more of his boiling hot, black coffee. “I feel like you'll use it against me because you are sneaky.”   
  
“The chloride will just bleach them, Einstein.” Hoseok laughed and slapped the other man’s slim shoulder. “Did you just say I was sneaky? I’m not sneaky, I’m nice or angry, it’s binary.”

“Fine, but then you'll be nice and cuddle me and I won't be able to be my dominant and narcissistic self, thank you very much.” Kyungwon laughed and squeezed his thigh with his big hand.   
  
“You like cuddling? Well, that’s kinda shocking. I thought we were similar. I mean before, when I stayed away from people for their own sake. I had a lot of sex but this aftercare stuff, I didn’t want to get close, I also didn’t like cuddling. It seemed pointless because it’s affectionate and you just receive it like that without having done anything proper to justify it I guess. And also, if you take, then you have to give and how is it different from getting attached to another person? I don’t know. I mean- it’s different now, but I’m surprised.” He smiled and curled both hands around his cup, watching how the coffee cream retreated with every sip.

“Oh god, good we didn't hook up,” Kyungwon replied with wide eyes before laughing again, smile bright and showing teeth. “For me the cuddling afterwards is the whole point. I can't really sleep alone so it helps to have someone that makes me feel good and that can hold me through the night too. It's a trade off, they get an orgasm and I'm rather good, so they better deal with the extras.”   
  
“For me it’s different, if it’s someone I don’t want a connection to, sex is okay, but everything on top is too much emotional involvement. If I cuddle you that means that I like you, I can’t just go around and hug everyone who wants my dick.” Taking a big gulp, he put the cup to the side and lifted himself up on his arms, sitting down on the counter smoothly and without making a single sound.

“Sexy,” Kyungwon remarked and licked over his lips briefly. “I see your point but I don't really develop attachment that way. Just because I have my arms around somebody doesn't mean I like them. It means nothing to me. I get attached because of other things.” Emptying the rest of his coffee, the black-haired man walked over to Hoseok and pulled himself up next to him on the counter, thighs touching. He stared at Kyungwon’s clothes because it was easier to tell them apart like that.   
  
“I’m sad about all the attachment I invested in you,” Hoseok commented and grinned brightly. “Nah, I’m joking, I’m fine even if it doesn’t mean anything to you.”

“As if,” Kyungwon muttered and crossed his legs, ripped jeans showing more of his golden thighs. “The attachment works differently with you, you don't need to hug me to feel it. But you also hug differently Hoseok, it's not the same, less mechanical. That's why I'm not sure I can put you into my hook up list. Apart from the fact that I haven't even touched your ass.”   
  
“You haven’t and you won’t.” He tilted his head. “I don’t like friction. And last time you didn’t seem eager to touch it either,” Hoseok muttered and licked over his lips, remembering the time he had almost fucked Hyungwon’s brother, like a crazy bastard.

“Oh no, saddest news of the year,” Kyungwon exclaimed and pouted before a small smile returned to his pretty features. “But yeah, I'm versatile. I like both, so it depends on the person and my mood. Your ass is fucking juicy, so I was intrigued but your behaviour made me want to get pounded into the mattress a bit more.”   
  
_ Yeah, talk a bit more about sex. This is not a safe topic, Hoseok. Not with Kyungwon. _ __  
__  
“Uh, either way, whatever list I’m on, I hope it’s a nice one. How have you been this week? You should’ve messaged, I thought you were sad.” He took his cup and gulped the rest of his coffee down in one go before turning to the other man.

“I kinda was and decided to distract myself with sex and university. It worked well as you can see. How have you been spending the week emotionally? Happy? You sound like it.” The black-haired man smiled and let his right hand travel over his own thigh, slipping into a cut close to the knee.   
  
“Sex and university? Sounds like fun. I’m happy that you feel better.” He smiled watching Kyungwon’s facial expression. “Are you? Or is it your bullshit mode?” Hoseok shifted a little and leaned back on his arms. “I have a lot of different thoughts that developed in the process of staying here and doing all those things, and I have the feeling that I have to sort it out somehow, but it’s hard.” Turning his head, he looked straight ahead at the clock and followed the hands from one second to the next.

“You're observant,” Kyungwon remarked before curling his hand around Hoseok’s. It seemed causal, like it was meant as a comforting gesture. “What are these thoughts? I'm assuming it's about Hyungwon.”   
  
“Not only, of course there is a lot about him, my family I pissed off for the first time in my life and also you. People who matter to me, it’s always the problem while being affectionate,” he commented and smiled into nothing.

“But you also get a lot back when you're affectionate.” Kyungwon stroked over the back of his hand and exhaled slowly. “At least from the people that really matter, like Hyungwon does. And like kitten does. You have lots of people that care about you and they also give it back. That's why it's important to free yourself from the humans that force themselves on you. Just because they are family doesn't mean they have the right to be heartless assholes, Hoseok.”   
  
He hummed. He knew it, of course he did, but it was so fucking hard to break habits, to try out new behaviours and reactions he didn’t have before, it was new. He didn’t know what would happen, it was a little scary.   
  
“I’m trying to determine the questions, the possible solutions and my personal share in those solutions and it’s kinda hard I guess. Plus, I have an exam in medicine and I haven’t done shit besides forcing Hyungwon to take his meds.” He threw his head back and groaned before lowering it again and staring at Kyungwon with a grin. “So, do you like me less, now that I’m complaining all the time?”

“Nah,” the black-haired man replied with a smile, but it looked a tiny bit sad although the other held himself very well. “But high-fucking-five, I did everything for university apart from actually studying. I'd help you with medicine- whatever but the only thing I can offer is a lawyer to sue them in case you don't pass.” A cheerful laugh left the plump lips as Kyungwon intertwined their fingers.   
  
“Just- Just tell me what I can do to make you feel better, I’ll try, okay?” Hoseok brushed his thumb over the back of Kyungwon’s hand and smiled, knowing that the other man was like Hyungwon, immediately reacting if it was genuine.

“It's fine, Hoseok, really. I'm not at the age anymore that I believe this is the one real love and I'll never get over it. I will, I'm just also hoping that we'll stay friends cause first of all I don't really have any-" Kyungwon chuckled after that. “And second I hate it when people change their attitudes because of a confession and I'm pretty sure you're not a person like that. Just make Hyungwon happy, so I don't have to beat the shit out of you.”   
  
Hoseok curled his free hand around the other man’s slim arm and squeezed it like a sausage.   
  
“I’m very sorry, but not with those sausage arms.” He grinned and jumped down, positioning himself across from Kyungwon. “I really like you, Kyungwon, you’re a really good friend.” Sucking in a breath he looked to the side. “Who looks like my boyfriend and therefore also makes me react and also sometimes confuses the shit out of me, please deal with it.”

The other man nodded slowly, smile remaining on his lips.

“Now I can put being friendzoned on my list of life experiences, exciting.” A few seconds passed until the brown eyes suddenly narrowed and Kyungwon grabbed his arms, turning them around and hitting Hoseok’s head against one of the cupboards, long fingers curling around his neck. “But I can be fucking viscous, so don't underestimate me and my ‘sausage arms’, asshole.” 

Placing a kiss on his cheek, the black-haired man let go as suddenly as he had thrown him against the wall. “Sorry, I'm really not good with emotional confessions, makes me feel like I need to punch a wall or something. I'll try to deal with your confusion, I'm guessing you want me to stop shamelessly using it.”   
  
Hoseok didn’t even get half of the said words after his head hit the cupboard, he just eyed the slim figure, determining what would’ve been the best spot and narrowed his eyes. Leaning down, he grabbed the other man’s thighs and threw him over his shoulder, such that the flat butt was right next to his broad neck and there was no way Kyungwon could’ve freed himself. Slapping his ass once, Hoseok moved towards the bedroom.

“Fucker,” the black-haired man screamed at him and buried his nails in Hoseok’s back, scratching along it.   
  
“You’re like a kitty, that’s cute.” He chuckled and opened the door to Hyungwon’s bedroom, spotting the other man pulling a shirt over his naked body. Hoseok went to the bed and threw Kyungwon on top of it.   
  
“Look, I brought you a present,” he commented, looking at Hyungwon.

His boyfriend's eyes widened as he stared at his brother on the bed and at Hoseok’s shirtless form, eyes stopping at his exposed skin for a little longer than appropriate.

“Why- why are you t- throwing him around?” Hyungwon asked while his brother was staring at Hoseok as if he was ready to rip his heart out with his bare hands. Not hesitating for long, Kyungwon grabbed Hyungwon's arm and pulled him to the bed, curling his arms around him and resting his head on the slim shoulder.   
  
“Because he tried to choke me with his sausage arms,” he commented and slid a finger over his back to see if there was blood, but there wasn’t. Not as if Kyungwon had rabies or anything.

“Because he made me angry, doubting that I can defend myself,” Kyungwon hissed and buried his face in the crook of Hyungwon's neck who seemed really at a loss with their conversation, staring in shock.

“B-but I thought you l- like each other,” he whispered suddenly, holding onto Kyungwon's almost naked thigh like it was the most natural thing.   
  
“First of all, you didn’t say defend, you said you’d beat me up if I don’t make Hyungwon happy and I mentioned your lack of tools. Either way, yes I like him, he’s a good friend but I’ll throw him around if he tries to choke me again,” Hoseok elaborated and walked over to the wardrobe, looking for a simple shirt and pulling one over his head. It was hilarious how he filled it out although it was so loose on Hyungwon’s body. “Did you sleep well?”

His boyfriend nodded slowly as he reached behind himself and stroked over his brothers hair carefully, playing with the black strands.

“Kyungwon gets defensive really quickly,” Hyungwon murmured as his brother rolled his eyes.

“He said I have sausage arms, I can beat people with my arms without any difficulties,” Kyungwon exclaimed, still sounding angry until he suddenly sighed and closed his eyes, remaining curled around Hyungwon. “Why am I like this?”   
  
“It’s okay.” Hoseok smiled brightly. Kyungwon was cute, the twins had more in common than he had thought. “Should I make us breakfast?” he suggested and felt a little out of place.

“You could just come cuddle and apologize for dissing me,” Kyungwon grumbled while still holding onto Hyungwon who stroked over his hair and his thigh at the same time, chewing on his lips and staring at Hoseok intently. The shy man always stayed quiet.   
  
“But Hyungwon is shock-cuddling you and you still tried to choke me, kitty. You also scratched over my back, so get your ass into the kitchen and get your breakfast,” Hoseok hissed. He blew Hyungwon a kiss and smiled before moving towards the kitchen. It felt strange to watch both brothers be so close, as if it was something he wasn’t supposed to be part of.   
  
He took the eggs from the fridge and poured oil into one of the pans, turning the stove on right after. Cutting the shrimp pieces from yesterday’s meal and mixing it into the eggs that he cracked into a big bowl, Hoseok hummed a song, trying to distract himself from the fact that he suddenly felt as if he wasn’t somewhere he should be.

Slim arms curled around his waist without a sound as warm air hit his neck, exhales a little shaky.   
  
“You slept a lot, are you fine?” Hoseok asked with his warm voice while cutting the scallion into small slices.

“Y-yeah, I just got scared briefly when you weren't there but then I heard you two talk,” his boyfriend whispered and hugged him even tighter. “I'm so happy you are still here.”   
  
“I’m procrastinating about going home,” he said and chuckled, leaning his head back a little and resting it against Hyungwon’s shoulder.

“He's still sad, even if you make him angry,” the black-haired man remarked suddenly, not related to what Hoseok had said and speaking quietly, so that only Hoseok could hear.   
  
“I told him that I am glad to be his friend because I really like him and I will do my best to make him happy too, Hyungwon. I won’t fall in love with him if you aren’t there, it’s a misleading thought. I met him at the same time that I met you and it was the other way around and you know it.” He leaned forward to flip the omelette. “Do you want me to talk to him?”

“Alright, I don't want to choke you anymore, but I still think you should apologize for dissing my body type. I work out a lot and-" Kyungwon voice, which sounded just like Hyungwon's, echoed loudly through the kitchen as the other man entered and suddenly stopped talking. “Sorry, am I interrupting something?”   
  
“No, can you take out the plates?” Hoseok asked and added the cut scallion to the omelette, turning off the stove. “You look hot just like Hyungwon looks hot, you’re both fucking hot, how did you even think that I was dissing you? I was joking.” Hoseok shook his head and removed the pan from the hot stove.

Kyungwon hummed in agreement as he took out a few plates, arranging them on the table in the middle.

“Sorry, I overreacted, I'm rather sensitive about this since I work out a lot but my body form doesn't change much,” the other said eventually and sat down on one of the chairs. “Pisses me off but it's also childish to get angry about it. Sorry, I hope your back is fine.”

“Don't know, I'll look later, but it's not bleeding. It's fine, Kyungwon,” Hoseok said after opening the lid and pouring the salt on top.

Hyungwon merely remained attached to his waist, like he needed it to feel at ease while playing with the fabric of his shirt.

“I feel out of place,” his boyfriend muttered suddenly, burying his face in the crook of his neck.

“Why?” Hoseok asked and turned around, placing a kiss on the other man's pretty lips.

“I feel out of place too, we all do, or don’t we?” Kyungwon asked instead of waiting and stood up, coming closer and examining Hyungwon's face. “It's just because all of us don't really hang out, so the dynamics are complicated.”

Hyungwon hummed but didn't really look up.

“I just feel like both of you are walking on tiptoes around me, trying to be careful and it makes me feel like a horrible person, like I'm forcing you into this,” the beautiful man in his arms replied but kept his face mostly hidden.

“Bullshit, I threw your brother onto your bed right now, how is that walking on tiptoes? I'm not careful, I'm fine, why do you think that?” He could see Kyungwon’s face from his position. The handsome man looked worried and guilty, it was painful to watch.

“I- I don't know- just- the way you smile at each other and pretend to argue just so I see it and don't think you're close,” Hyungwon replied and Hoseok could hear how Kyungwon inhaled sharply next to him, probably equally shocked by the level of bullshit. “Am I not making sense?”

Hoseok grabbed Hyungwon's chin with his thumb and index finger and forced the black-haired man to look up at him.

“Babe, your imagination is no joke. I smile because I don't have a bitchy resting face, and I know that you want me to fuck him for some absolutely irrational reason. So please reconsider whatever it is going through your head because I might throw you around too if you make me angry.” Hoseok didn't blink even once during the whole monologue, staring at Hyungwon's big brown eyes instead.

“I-" Hyungwon began but didn't continue, visibly shocked. “I don't want you to- to be close to him, I want you for myself, but- I don't even know. I want him happy.” As soon as the words left his lips the handsome man began to cry, sinking to the ground and hugging his knees.

“Oh god, Hyungwon,” his brother exclaimed and instantly sank to the ground too, curling his arms around the crying man and almost pulling him onto his lap. “I'm fine though, I really am. I even told Hoseok, he can confirm it, it's okay.”

_ You didn't create this mess, or did you? _

It hurt so much to watch Hyungwon cry and it hurt to watch his brother trying to be the rational one, explaining that he was okay although it was obvious that he still liked Hoseok.

_ But liking someone is not an illness, he'll reconsider or find someone else. It's not forever. _

Still it hurt and somehow it seemed as if it had been his fault. At least partially. He didn't know what to say and he didn't know what to do, so he just walked out of the kitchen and sat down on the couch while throwing his head back and trying hard not to cry himself.

Very little time passed when he felt Hyungwon's light body climbing on top of him curling his thin arms around him desperately. Tears still filled the big, brown eyes.

“I'm sorry, Hoseok, I'm- I'm so sorry for being like this and making you unhappy too- fuck- I'm just ruining everything all the time,” he whimpered, body shaking from the strength of his sobs.

His brother was standing in the door frame, knuckles almost white with how strongly he held onto the handle, chewing on his cheek.

“You're not ruining anything, Hyungwon. I'm just sad because you're sad. Why is it so complicated?” Hoseok exhaled and gestured for Kyungwon to come over before he curled his arms around Hyungwon's slim waist.

The man at the door hesitated before coming closer and sitting down on the couch next to Hoseok, visibly guilty and worried about Hyungwon's tears.

“My head is just a m- mess and I can't convince myself that it's b- bullshit. You never liked anybody before, Won, but now you do and- I just know what it feels like and I wanted to disappear so often because of that feeling. What if you'll end up like me just because I'm doing this to you?” Hyungwon's body only shook further with a fresh outburst of tears as his brother seemed in shock, stroking over Hyungwon's black hair carefully and sucking his own lips into his mouth.

“There are so many different reasons for why something happens and I don't think you and your behaviour contribute more than any other.” Hoseok turned his head and smiled at Hyungwon's brother who looked so incredibly worried and sad. “And Kyungwon here is a resilient fucker, he has been doing so well in everything, he won't just crumble down because of liking some useless dude.”

“Exactly,” Kyungwon agreed instantly and stroked over Hyungwon's arm. “And you know how much I hate fit bros and Hoseok is such a fit bro. All those assholes building muscle easily while I'm struggling.”

Hyungwon shook in Hoseok’s arms but for a short moment it seemed to be a chuckle.

“But you still always fuck them, you said it's to prove a point.”

Kyungwon’s lips parted but no sound came out as he stared at Hoseok for an instant, visibly at a loss and trying to explain himself.

“But we would have never hooked up, Hyungwon, not really at least. He hates cuddling after sex, can you imagine? Such a weirdo.”

Hyungwon didn't reply, merely breathing heavily and rubbing over his eyes.

“I don't like cuddling with people I don't know because I get attached,” Hoseok commented and stroked over Hyungwon's back. “As I said after we watched that one movie, it's fine to be in love even if it's one sided or sad as long as the other person still exists, because otherwise you wouldn't have time to deal with your feelings and just stay on the one spot forever, so let's see it positively.”

The words seemed to get through to Hyungwon as his shoulders stopped shaking and he looked up, curling his body tighter around Hoseok and nodding. A few moments passed with shaky breaths tickling the sensitive skin of his neck.

“I don't deserve you both,” the beautiful man on his lap whispered. “But you make me want to get better.”

“I am of the opinion that you deserve everything just due to the fact that you're alive and breathing, Hyungwon. And I think you should work on that,” Hoseok whispered and pulled him closer.

_ Just existing should be enough. _

 

***

 

Quiet.

The silence felt unfamiliar, no sound entering his ears although there should have been at least something, be it a person outside, a stray bicycle or Shrimp jumping up on one of the cupboards. But there was just nothing.

Hyungwon had gotten used to the sound of water running in the sink, the clicking noise of the coffee machine and dishes brushing against each other whenever he woke up, the signs that Hoseok was already awake and preparing breakfast for him.

Instead, there was just the dark room, blinds closed to avoid the sun from waking him up and the pressuring silence.

Shuffling his legs, he listened to the ruffling noise the blanket created, hoping to have something to focus on that wasn't the fact that Hoseok had returned home.

_ You said goodbye yesterday. You were alone all the time before that, why are you so attached? _

It wasn't supposed to feel different. His bed was still the same, smelled the same and gave just as much comfort as it had before. His problems stayed the same too with the exception that he had the mental ability to filter out some of the bullshit. The only difference was the knowledge, the experience of having someone there constantly who wasn't anymore.

Hyungwon just wanted to close his arms around Hoseok’s neck and cry.

Crawling out of the bed, he waddled to the bathroom and took care of his business, brushing his teeth right after and reading the mass of post-it notes. He hadn't written them himself, so he hadn't memorized them yet.

_ They are more effective like this. _

While Hoseok had been there, he had written a new one each morning, adding it to a random spot on the mirror and waiting for Hyungwon to find it, kissing him as soon as he did.

_ There won't be one now. _

Hyungwon swallowed and looked anyway, eyes roaming over the mirror surface and the carefully arranged yellow and blue notes, building a perfect circle that he could see himself in. 

_ As if they revolve around you. _

_ Bullshit. _

He resisted punching the mirror and bit his lip instead, tasting blood on his tongue. The notes were the same, no new one and he also wouldn't be getting a kiss as soon as he found it. It was pointless.

The thought hurt, so he brushed his teeth furiously, trying to distract himself from the fact that feeling miserable wasn't going to make Hoseok pop up at his door, that's not how it worked.

_ You kept him from his responsibilities for long enough. _

It didn't help knowing that, not at all. It just increased the wish to cry and roll up in his blanket and wail in his misery while bridging the time until the other man would finally come back, bless him with his presence and his warm embrace.

_ He only left yesterday, why are you like this? _

Spitting the toothpaste  into the sink, Hyungwon imagined himself as the disgusting white mess, slowly mixing with the water and becoming milky, like it wasn't all that bad anymore.   


_ Maybe it's like this with Hoseok too, he makes you a better person. _

It was pathetic of him to fall right back into his destructive behaviour and thoughts after all the effort the beautiful man had invested into him, spending all of his free time together, going dancing, eating out, talking. Hyungwon felt like he would have aced any exam on Hoseok if there had been one.

_ He opened up so much and he cares about you. _

_ While you're being pathetic. _

He slapped his own cheek, just like that, to feel the sudden pain and snap out of it. He needed to stop staring at his reflection and be productive instead. He still had three books to learn by heart and two exams to write. He probably wasn't going to manage anyway but he had to try at least. 

_ For Hoseok. _

He slapped his other cheek and washed his face with cold water, feeling a little more aware of his surroundings. He felt calm until he entered the living room to get his books and saw the opened Han Kang novel that Hoseok had been reading, still on the page where the other man had stopped.

The change in mood was instant, knees giving out and forcing Hyungwon to sink to the ground as tears spilled from his eyes and his lungs clenched at the thoughts that filled his head. Loneliness was a scary thing.

He gasped, trying to control himself and hiccuping repeatedly. His body shivered and he rubbed over his eyes to stop the tears but it didn't help, especially not the familiar burning in his chest.

_ You're really hopeless with this, aren't you? _

He felt so bad, bad for not being as stable as he wanted to.

_ Hoseok did all of that for you and still you're like this. You're really not worth it. _

His eyes widened at the thought and he bit down on his tongue, distracting himself with the pain and scrambling to his feet. He was thinking wrong, he thought it only because he was alone and couldn't deal with it. As soon as Hoseok came, he would tell him something else, that he loved him.

_ Don't disappoint him, Hyungwon. _

Rubbing the tears from his eyes, he stumbled to the bookshelf, grabbing one of the books he had to learn by heart and clutching it to his chest. It was stupid but holding onto something helped a little, keeping him focused on what he had to do.

_ You managed to stand up and get it, that's already more than before. Fucking do it. _

He couldn't. He just stood in his living room, clutching the fucking book and couldn't fucking open it.

_ Of course Mom thought that you're just lazy, look at yourself, unable to open a fucking book. _

“Hyungwon?” a familiar voice sounded from the door frame. For a short second Hyungwon's heart beat faster, thinking that Hoseok had returned to help him, to force him out of his stupor, but instead his eyes settled on his brother's big equally big ones, opened in surprise. “It's okay.”

Kyungwon didn't even hesitate for a second as soon as their eyes met, bridging the distance and closing his lean arms around Hyungwon, embracing him tightly.

_ That's why you have to be stable, so they don't have to come and care for you even if they're busy. _

“I can't fucking study, I'm such a dumb piece of shit, seriously, what's fucking wrong with me?” Hyungwon hissed and dropped the book, closing his arms around Kyungwon and crying even more. The hug made him feel better even though he always felt like he wanted to be alone when he felt like that.

_ You never want to be alone. It's just bullshit.  _

“You're not, you're just not quite there yet, but that's totally fine. I can't study most of the time I should be studying and I'm sure it's the same for Hoseok,” his brother elaborated in his calming, low voice and stroked over his hair. “If you wish, we can look at it together. I'll make you some amazing breakfast and then I'll read it out to you in my shittiest accent and you're going to laugh because I'm entertaining and you better appreciate it.” It was easy to hear the smile on his brother's lips as he was pulled into the kitchen, abandoning the book on the living room floor.

_ You make him sad but still he cares so much. _

Opening the fridge and arranging ingredients he decided to use on the counter, Kyungwon continued smiling a little, humming an unfamiliar melody.

“I had a dream yesterday,” the black-haired man commented suddenly and turned around, right hand turning on the stove in the meantime. 

“What about?” Hyungwon asked hesitantly and climbed up on the counter, staying close to his brother. He really didn't want to be alone, his mind was scary.

“You.” Kyungwon blew him a kiss and grinned before turning towards the pan again and cracking three eggs into it. “I dreamed about my motorcycle accident and you.”

_ It's something emotional, that's why he doesn't look at you. _

Hyungwon swallowed and hummed to show he was listening, Kyungwon wouldn't have seen a nod.

“You know- back then, when I was lying on the ground, I felt pretty sure that I was going to die, there was just something about it, like a fact,” the tall man continued and busied himself with cutting a few vegetables into small pieces, throwing them in with the eggs which he mixed with milk. “My only thought was ‘fuck, mom is going to give Hyungwon hell’. Funny, right? What was your thought when you took those pills?”

He chewed on his lower lip, a little overwhelmed by the direction of the conversation and pulled his thighs together, squeezing his arms that he had placed in between, holding onto the counter.

“I- I'm not sure, I just thought I would finally be at peace, I didn't think too much. I tried to make sure that everything was settled beforehand so you wouldn't be too sad,” he stuttered and inhaled deeply, feeling uncomfortable.

“And what made you think that ‘settling things’ will make me less sad?” Kyungwon asked further and added salt and pepper to the mixture. “Do you really believe there is anything that would have made me less sad apart from you staying alive?”

_ You have no idea, you weren't even able to think clearly when you tried to kill yourself, just tired of the pain. _

“I- I don't know, Kyungwon, just having less to deal with, less to organize because of my inability to clean up after myself.” As soon as he had spoken the words they seemed stupid to him, nonsensical.

His brother turned around, reducing the heat, and focused his big brown eyes on his own, stepping closer.

“Switch perspective, imagine if I had died back then, due to the accident. Maybe even add the information that I did it on purpose, trying to disappear. Is there anything I could have done to make it easier for you? Fill out a few bills and drop out of university?” Kyungwon’s face was close, watching him intently as Hyungwon’s blood rushed in his ears.

_ He's right. You're talking bullshit, nothing would have made it better. Nothing at all. _

He swallowed again, trying to fight tears as the thought of losing his brother clouded his mind. He had been terrified back then. Shaking his head furiously, Hyungwon reached for his brother's hand and squeezed it, trying to get rid of the unpleasant sensation in his chest.

“Now think a little further, Hyungwon. It happened so often that I began interacting with somebody you loved and you gave up, believing that they wanted me. Let's assume that is true for now and it happens again. You love somebody and I take them away, making them fall for me. Would you be less sad if I die in a motorcycle accident? After all you could take my place and make them like you then, make them fall in love with you and give you what they give me.”

_ What? _

Hyungwon’s eyes widened and he grasped Kyungwon’s hand so tightly that it must have hurt, nails digging into the smooth skin. How could the other man think something like that? It was simply crazy.

“What the fuck, Kyungwon? Why would I want you to die just to have someone love me back? It doesn't even matter if it works or not, I don't fucking care, I don't want you to die,” he exclaimed and pulled his brother towards himself, curling his arms and legs around him and not letting go, scared of the images that the other had placed into his head. “This is just sick.”

It was quiet as Kyungwon reached out and hugged him back, hot air tickling his neck and the transition to his shoulder. The black-haired man took a deep breath before he responded.

“Exactly,” Kyungwon whispered and stroked over his head again, putting a stray strand of hair behind his ear. “Then why would I want you to disappear, so I could take your place?”

The words rung in his head, repeating endlessly until the air got stuck in his lungs and he felt like choking, eyes widening and body barely listening to him as he dug his hands into Kyungwon back.

_ Holy shit, what the hell have you been thinking? _

“Oh god,” he whispered and pulled Kyungwon to his chest, rubbing over the slim back repeatedly, afraid of what he had already done with his words. “Oh god, Kyungwon- I'm so sorry, I- I don't know what I was thinking- I just always feel like you deserve more- I- fuck- I'm so sorry.”

His body responded without delay, tears building in his eyes and running down his cheeks, soaking the expensive fabric of Kyungwon’s shirt.

“It's okay, Hyungwon, shh, it's fine,” his brother whispered and caressed his back, voice low and calming. It was a little bit like his healthy self telling the voices in his head to shut up. “What if I constantly tell you that you deserve more? Give you everything including my lovers?”

Hyungwon shook his head furiously, trying to express that he understood, that he knew how fucked up it was. Shit, why was he always like this? Asking Hoseok to sleep with his friends and telling his brother he wished to die, so he could take his place and have his lover.

_ Why does it always come back? Is something wrong with the way you think? _

There must have been something that he hadn't managed to fix yet, something that came back as soon as he got weak, taking over his mind and breaking everything that he had painfully built up stone by stone.

_ You can't solve it like this, Hyungwon. It doesn't work. _

Drawing a deep breath he lifted his head, staring at the beautiful face of his brother that was exactly like his own but always felt so much more beautiful to him.

“I- I think I need help.”

_

 

Hyungwon tried to be more attentive towards his own thoughts, to catch them before they blew up and made him cry, but it was almost impossible.

A short glance at a cup of coffee that he hadn't drunk or at Hoseok’s book that still lay in the same spot was enough to remind him that he was lonely and mentally broken and that his boyfriend had important things to take care of. ‘You're not important’ his brain supplied and he just couldn't help but believe it. 

There was something dysfunctional in his thought patterns but he just couldn't find it all on his own, not without clear instruction on what he was doing and how to stop it.

_ Kyungwon had to come and wipe your tears for you to realise how fucked up your thoughts were. _

His brother had stayed the night, watching a movie with him and cuddling him to sleep, although Hyungwon had fallen asleep first. It was nice but the empty bed on the following day had been even harder to take.

_ Why can't you deal with being lonely? You're meant to be lonely. _

Kyungwon would have disagreed again, but it was difficult to argue with what his brother would have said without him there. Hyungwon wasn't able to come up with the arguments himself, brain stuck on its destructive patterns.

After making himself a cup of coffee, Hyungwon sat down on the couch and stared at the open page of the book that Hoseok had left.

_ Maybe you're like this too. Perhaps during therapy you read everything apart from that one page you left open, untouched. _

Maybe he just had to find it and read it.  
  
The bell rang a couple of times and he was ripped out of his thoughts, returning to the real world and the responsibilities that were associated with it, such as having to see people.

_ Maybe it’s something normal like a parcel delivery, your mom could have sent you something. _

It was ridiculous because his mother would have sent it over with Kyungwon, not bothering with actual delivery. Hyungwon was just trying to be careful, keeping himself from slowly building up hope that it was the one person he wished to see the most. His chest burned at the thought alone, the possibility that Hoseok might have returned to see him.

Holding his breath, he opened the door, chewing on his cheek in anticipation and fear of disappointment. As soon as his big eyes settled on familiar blonde hair and a beautiful smile, he couldn’t hold it in, reaching out and attaching himself to the familiar neck, breathing in the sweet scent and trying to keep his tears from spilling out of his eyes.   
  
“Hyungwon, I’m suffering,” Hoseok whispered into his ear and curled his arms around his waist, squeezing the air out of his lungs in the process.

The comment surprised him a little with how it could have come from his lips as well, describing his inability to get used to the recurring loneliness.

“Me too,” he whispered back, tears still collecting in his eyes as he watched the expression on the blonde man’s face.   
  
“I know that you’re probably suffering more than I am, but I can’t help it. I tried to do the same bullshit I’ve been doing before I stayed over for a week but it’s not working out, I can’t do this, shit.” The blonde man lifted him up by curling his fingers around his slim thighs and walked over to the living room, sitting down on the leather couch and tightening his grip on his waist. “I’m not supposed to be greedy and selfish like this.”

_ He missed you, didn’t he? Just like you. _

“I- I missed you so much- I saw the book you left and I just- I cried so much although it’s pathetic and stupid. As you said- it’s not like you died, you’re- you’re still alive and physically here but still-” Hyungwon sniffed, unable to help himself and hid his face in Hoseok’s shoulder, breathing heavily and trying not to sob loudly like the heap of self-pity that he was. “But still I want you with me so much, Hoseok, like I am suddenly not able to be alone anymore.”   
  
The blonde man placed kisses all over his neck up to his earlobe before he leaned back and focused his gaze on Hyungwon’s face.   
  
“Listen, I want to- to be together with you all the time. I know it’s crazy, you have your own apartment and I’m living with Kihyun and Kyungwon comes over and my parents are crazy and I don’t even know how much it is to live with you in your apartment and whether it’s okay or if you’ll be like Kihyun and think that I only want to do it because I’m scared-” Hoseok spoke without a break, swallowing multiple times after he was finished and licked his lips, staring at his face and waiting for an answer to the verbal onslaught.

Hyungwon struggled with the meaning of the other man’s words, heart beating furiously in his chest and drowning out every noise apart from the blood rushing in his ears. He was scared of assuming something untrue, dreaming up that the beautiful man in front of him was saying what he wanted to hear because his brain had completely lost connection to reality.

“Did you- did you say that you want to live with me, Hoseok?” he asked carefully, hands shaking as he reached for the blonde man’s face and stroked over his cheek, attempting to convince himself that he was real and not just a product of Hyungwon’s imagination.   
  
“Yes, fuck, I don’t even know why I’m acting like this in the middle of all this mess. The issue with your brother is still on, you still have thoughts I have no access to, my parents are making my life miserable, Kihyun is sad because I told him and I am here wanting to live with you although you’re fine by yourself.” Sucking in a long breath, Hoseok closed his eyes and sighed.

Hyungwon wasn’t fine by himself, but it also didn’t really matter. It was irrelevant whether he needed Hoseok next to him because of his inability to be alone or simply because he enjoyed the other man’s presence. It was both and he couldn’t say that one reason was stronger than the other.

_ You just want him next to you. _

“It- it doesn’t matter to me whether I am fine on my own or not, I still want you with me, Hoseok,” he whispered and felt his lungs constrict again. It was selfish, Hoseok had so many responsibilities and a friend that cared about him and probably didn’t wish to be alone. “But I don’t want to take you away from Kihyun. I mean- who- who the fuck am I to do that?”

_ You’re being selfish. _ __  
__  
“Hyungwon, I am the one who came here and emptied a bucket of concerns over your head. Don’t you get it? It’s me, I want to be close to you and live with you, abandoning everything else like an irresponsible asshole. You were just sitting at home and thinking that you’re not good enough probably, while I was suffering like a selfish asshole, wanting to be close to you all the time without thinking about your feelings,” Hoseok muttered under his breath while stroking his back and his hair, alternating his movements without having an obvious goal.

_ It’s not about you, it’s him, he wants to be with you. _

The thought was there, perfectly possible and should have been easy to understand, but it seemed crazy, crazy that the other man would wish to make such sacrifices for him.

_ But why the fuck would you keep him from it, Hyungwon? You want it more than he does. _

“Then- then move in with me if you like,” he whispered and let his fingers brush over the soft skin of Hoseok’s cheeks, stroking down along his neck and shoulders. His emotions were a rollercoaster, just from being in the other man’s arms and having him close again after missing him so much. He wanted to cry again, due to the fear that Hoseok would leave again and he would be forced to deal with the loneliness just like before, crying while hugging his knees and staring at the unread page of the novel that Hoseok had left.   
  
“But- but what about you, Hyungwon? Do you even want it?” Hoseok asked and put more distance between their faces, staring into his eyes intently.

Hyungwon would have laughed if there hadn’t been tears running down his cheeks, not giving a single shit about whether he was supposed to be happy or not. He didn’t even know himself what it was. If Hoseok really wanted to live with him then there couldn’t have been anything else apart from happiness in his chest.

“There-” He sobbed, biting down on his lower lip. “There is nothing else that I want more, Hoseok, I just stared at the book you were reading and couldn’t think about anything else, wanting you here. I even- I even looked for a piece of paper on the mirror although I knew that you weren’t here and there couldn’t be a new one. I don’t even need you to take care of me or anything, I’m just so fucking happy hearing the sound of you turning on the coffee machine in the morning and frying a fucking egg, I’m- fuck.”   
  
“But, you don’t even give a shit about eggs, you told me they exist and so do you,” the other man said and chuckled, wiping a tear from his cheek with the back of his right hand. “Listen, I know you have issues with your self-confidence, but, major surprise, I have them too. I act all mighty and confident but I also don’t want to do things you don’t like. I don’t know if I can just do whatever and I feel as if I’m not familiar enough with depression and how to act and how to be a good partner for you and, fuck-” Hoseok threw his head back and groaned. It sounded frustrated.

“But, do you really think that there is anybody who k- knows? People are all different and maybe- maybe I also don’t have a PhD in Hoseok. Is that- is that really a problem? Should I- should I have one to be able to make you happy?” Hyungwon swallowed, insecurities kicking in right when he felt like he had figured it out and the conversation finally made sense to him. “Isn’t it fine to figure it out on the go? I feel happy with you here and although I cried without a break, that one w- week that you were with me was one of the happiest.”   
  
“How much is your apartment?” The question caught him off guard as it had nothing to do with the previous, emotional topic. It forced his eyes to widen and his head to lift up a little, staring at Hoseok as he tried to answer.

“I-” Hyungwon felt his hands shiver slightly as he genuinely tried to figure it out. There was no bill and his parents had gotten the apartment a long time ago, renting it to someone else before he moved in. “I really don’t k- know, Hoseok. My parents bought it.”   
  
The other man just stared at him, eyes wide and mouth parted in shock.   
  
“Your parents bought it? But, how is it okay if I live here? Don’t you have to ask them or something? Oh god, I don’t even know whether I should be happy or super uncomfortable.”

Hyungwon had to chuckle at that. The other man looked cute somehow, eyes wide and playing with his hands, stroking over the fabric of Hyungwon’s sweatpants.

_ Your parents don’t give a single shit about what you do as long as you’re not dead yet. _

“They- they don’t really care, Hoseok. I can live here alone or with somebody else, it technically belongs to me although I deserve none of it. Just like Kyungwon’s apartment belongs to him. House- I mean his house.” He chewed on his lip, remembering that he was doing absolutely nothing for all these things while others had to work and sacrifice sleep in order to be able to afford a small place to stay. “It’s a waste on me, I don’t do anything for it.”

_ They should have given all this to someone more worthy. _ __  
__  
“Wow, my parents also don’t care, but unfortunately they do care about me doing stuff for them and things they shouldn’t get involved in.” Hoseok smiled but it looked really bitter. “I- I want to live with you, Hyungwon, and I want to write you post-its every day and wake you up and help you study and go dancing and just lie in bed naked and do nothing. I’m so fucking greedy for no reason, I don’t know what to do besides asking you to take me like a dumbass.” His boyfriend curled both arms around his waist and pulled him flush against his own chest.

“That’s what I should be asking you to do, to take me although I’m like this,” Hyungwon whispered and pressed his wet lips to Hoseok, closing his eyes for the few seconds that their kiss lasted. “Just be with me, Hoseok. I- I want to help you too, with your parents and with everything that you have to deal with.”

_ Can you though? _

Hyungwon didn’t know, but he really wanted to try. He wanted to become a pillar for the other man, similar to what Hoseok already was for him, helping him to slip out of his destructive thoughts and wish to be stable, to think calmly and enjoy the things that he was blessed with without questioning if he deserved them.

_ You’re already questioning, aren’t you? You’re wondering if you deserve all those things that your parents and Hoseok give you. _ __  
__  
“But-” The other man hesitated and leaned back a little. “I don’t think I’m able to change your way of thinking, I thought about this a lot, you’ve told me that you’ll try to get better for me and I believe you, but I don’t know if me and medication are enough. Do you feel like it’s enough?” Hoseok asked and bit down on his lip. It must’ve been painful.

_ You know that it isn’t. _

His conversation with Kyungwon returned to his mind, thought patterns obviously crooked and impossible to correct on his own. Even though Kyungwon had tried several times, just like Hoseok, he constantly returned to them, believing each thought without further proof. There was no way that he could manage it on his own, with or without Hoseok.

“I- I know that I need help,” he whispered, sucking his lips into his mouth because it was still hard to admit it, to admit that he was in a war with his own mind, one that he couldn’t win just like that. “I told Kyungwon and- I just have those thought patterns, they appear out of nowhere and there is nothing I can do. Just like believing that my disappearance would make him happy. I know it’s fucked up, completely crazy, but it just always comes back. Just like the thought that you should sleep with Kyungwon or Minhyuk because they are more beautiful than me. Rationally I know that it is mental, but still- still something says ‘but it’s true’ in my head.”   
  
Hoseok kissed him, softly, without urgency, simply feeling how their lips touched and moved against each other.   
  
“I really want to do everything I can, so that you can feel better, but I know, and Kihyun also told me, that there is no way that I can just ‘heal’ it with my presence and my love. I mean, he is right, I’m just a random person, but I also know that it’s something you should decide for yourself. I just want to be with you.” Sucking in a breath, Hoseok buried his head in the crook of his neck and let his hands slide under his shirt, pressing against his back to be closer.

“To me you aren’t just a random person,” Hyungwon whispered, afraid of the way it sounded, like the blonde man could easily be replaced by someone else, filling a void that would instantly build up in his chest. It was almost impossible to close that void and Hyungwon knew that first hand. “I don’t expect you to heal me. I- I’m not sure I expect anybody to help me. I just want you to be here.”   
  
“I don’t even want to heal you or anything. I just want you to be able to enjoy life. At least a little bit, because I think that you deserve to be happy and because I love you more than anything. I don’t want you to be hurt and to think that you’re worthless. I want you to be able to say ‘yes, I’m enjoying this right now and it’s okay because that’s what I like’ instead of thinking that every little spark of happiness is something you didn’t deserve. And I think there is a possibility to make it better. I’ve seen it. You don’t know what Kihyun was like four years ago. It was scary.” The other man swallowed and shook his head, probably trying to ban the uncomfortable thoughts.

Hyungwon would have loved to answer but the way the other man looked at him, paired with the affectionate words just cracked his resolve, tears streaming over his face again as he sobbed and curled his arms around the blonde man’s neck, inhaling his scent desperately.

“I’m c-crying because you’re so nice to me,” he mumbled and tried to stop, unsuccessfully. “I really hope that I can be like that, Hoseok, I really do.”   
  
“You’re worth it, Hyungwon, you’re worth everything. Fuck, I’m so fucking thankful that I met you, you changed my life and the way I thought and I would really love to do something for you too. You’re the only person that has never tried to get anything from me. You only kept your thoughts to yourself and let me do everything I wanted. You should get something too and you should want something, it’s not a bad thing, it’s normal to be greedy, Hyungwon. Be greedy,” Hoseok whispered at him, leaning in closer.

“Then-” Hyungwon whispered back and took another deep breath, staring at those beautiful dark eyes of the man in front of him, so affectionate although he hadn’t done all that much to deserve it.

_ You’re doing it again, Hyungwon, he told you to be greedy, to want things. _

“Then- would you stay with me and help me- help me get therapy, Hoseok?”   
  
“I will help you to do anything you like. Want to study? I will help you. Want to throw it out of the window and do something that makes you happier? Also fine. I just want to be someone who always supports you, Hyungwon. I love you.” The other man let out a shaky breath, hinting at his emotional response and buried his face in the crook of Hyungwon’s neck, kissing and sucking on his sensitive skin.

“I love you too, Hoseok,” he whispered back, throat clogging up and smile pulling at the corners of his mouth. It felt surreal to be the one who was blessed with so much luck, to be allowed to meet someone like Hoseok. “Thank you for putting that note into my bag, back then at the pharmacy- I- I still can’t believe this.”   
  
“You were adorable,” Hoseok commented and chuckled against his skin while letting his hands roam over Hyungwon’s naked back.

“And y-you were an angel, smiling so brightly and throwing innuendos at me. I didn’t know what to say or do- I- I thought you just wanted to make fun of my shy and pathetic self. That’s what usually happened.” Hyungwon smiled and placed a kiss on the tip of Hoseok’s nose, feeling strangely happy out of nowhere, tears taking some of the pressure that had built up.

_ It can’t be that bad if you feel happy like this. Maybe it’s fine, you have so many people supporting you. _ __  
__  
“I thought you didn’t like me. I was a little sad about that, because I really like shy people who don’t try to force stuff on you immediately. It’s a protection mechanism.” Hoseok chuckled and continued. “And then the confusion with your brother and I had the feeling it somehow didn’t fit together and I was kind of broken from the inside and I had the feeling you were too? I guess that’s why I couldn’t stop searching out your company. Sorry.”

Hyungwon smiled, imagining how Hoseok and him were just two broken shards that somehow ended up fitting together with their crooked and sharp edges. It was calming somehow.

“Maybe- maybe we’re just two shards that fit,” he whispered and smiled, reaching out to stroke over Hoseok’s beautiful, blonde hair. The color looked gorgeous on him, making him easily recognizable and fitting to the sunlight. He looked even more like the sun when he smiled that way.   


_ There’s a crack in everything, Hyungwon, maybe that’s how the light gets in. _   


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Update on the 6th of September at 2 PM CET.  
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>  We are always so damn grateful about every little bit of feedback, be it a comment, a kudos or a message on twitter :D You guys are the major reason that we write! (And Hyungwonho, because honestly it's THE SHIP)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **NOTICE:** If you want to know more about us, get updates and information about new stories, hit us up on **Twitter**  
> [Irina](http://twitter.com/Hichanchen)  
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“You know I support you in everything, but isn't it a little rushed? You lived there for a week, and now you think you're psychotherapy Jesus and can heal depression by eating shrimp and dancing?” Kihyun leaned against the kitchen counter and put a big spoon of chocolate cereal into his mouth, chewing with his mouth open.

_ That's not quite true, is it? _

“I don't know psychotherapy and I'm also not Jesus. He was better when I was around and I was better. I really want to be next to him and I miss him and I don't even have to pay anything for living there,” he muttered and took a sip of his lukewarm coffee. 

_ You shouldn't have put so much milk in there. _

“It’s because of money? Are you dumb, Hoseok? I mean sure, I'm sad that I won't see your annoying face as often anymore, but it's not the point. Just don't have expectations, it can turn to shit in a matter of days. He probably needs therapy, especially to deal with the dissonance. It's annoying. You think it's super nice that you're there, telling him that his thoughts are bullshit, but internally it is as if someone tries to bullshit you, because you know that your brain is right. It's hard to deal with it all by yourself, believe me, and Hyungwon is a precious bean, so he doesn't say anything but just considers it to be true.” Kihyun licked milk from his upper lip and threw the dirty bowl into the sink, cursing and washing it right after.

Hoseok didn't say anything but sipped on his coffee and thought about Kihyun's words. His best friend seemed to have more experience than him and happened to know how suffering from depression felt.

“But Kyungwon is doing this all the time, he must be used to it, or not?” he muttered and placed his empty cup next to the sink. Kihyun grabbed it immediately and started cleaning it furiously.

“Yes, and then there's that. What's with you, Hoseok? Are you stupid or are you just acting stupid? The crazy brother is obviously hooked on you and you're just randomly jumping him. Also, what's with all the hand holding and hugging, do you also do that when Hyungwon is around? He's self-conscious as fuck, do you even know what it does to his head when you're being like this with his brother? His ‘perfect copy’? You really need to stop this, Hoseok. Do you love Kyungwon too?” His best friend turned towards him and leaned into his private space, his long eyes glancing at him intently.

_ Uhm, No? _

“I-” he started and leaned back a little. “I don't love him, I really like him. He's a good person and I like spending time with him. He's just touchy, it's nothing bad, or is it? I can't just tell him to keep his hands to himself, especially when I'm the one accidentally touching him.” Hoseok walked over to the kitchen table and sat down on one of the chairs, cupping his face with both palms and squeezing it.

His best friend dried the cup and rose on his tiptoes to place it back into the overhead cupboard. He couldn't prevent a chuckle at the sight.

“Then stop the accidental touching, Hoseok. You're an adult and you can find ways to distinguish them, it's not as hard as you make it seem. Talk to him. You don't give him the possibility to deal with his feelings, you're just fuelling them with your ambivalent behaviour. He needs to move on, or at least have the possibility to do so. You can't move in with Hyungwon until you've solved it,” Kihyun hissed at him and crossed his arms in front of his chest.

_ He's right. He always is. _

_

 

It was Monday evening when he arrived at the beautiful building where Kyungwon’s apartment was located. It didn't take long until the other man opened the door, dressed like a runaway model even though he should've been wearing comfy clothes at home, and let him into his fancy loft. Hoseok was still afraid to touch things although he had already been to Kyungwon’s house once. The familiarity didn't help, just like the other man's slim arms that instantly wrapped around his neck.

_ It's so intimate, Hoseok. It shouldn't be like this with him. _

Stroking over the other man's black hair once he leaned back, gaze meeting Kyungwon’s big, brown eyes.

_ Imagine if it was someone who doesn't look like Hyungwon. Would it still be okay to be close like this? _

“We need to talk, you and me,” he whispered and smiled in apology.

“Sure,” Kyungwon replied nonchalantly, but his plump lips already pulled together into a thin line, like he didn't like the prospect. The black-haired man let go of Hoseok’s neck reluctantly, and moved to the couch, gesturing for Hoseok to follow him.

Hoseok slipped out of his shoes and walked through the huge open space, towards the couch that he'd probably disgrace with his presence, considering how fucking expensive it looked.

Kyungwon patted the soft, red leather next to him and smiled briefly, as if he intended to be encouraging.

Hoseok sat down and couldn't help feeling more at ease as the couch felt like every other couch he had sat on.

Looking straight ahead, he sucked in a long breath and turned towards Kyungwon’s handsome face, mentally preparing himself for what he was about to say.

“I think I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing,” he started and licked over his lips once, to distract himself from the feeling of sadness that had begun to spread from the knowledge that he was about to hurt someone he liked.

“Apart from treating my furniture like the holy grail, I can't think of anything particularly bad that you are doing,” the other man commented and leaned back. Kyungwon spread his arms out over the back of the couch and played with a few strands of Hoseok’s hair, confirming the reason for why they needed to talk.

“You still like me, don't you?” Hoseok concentrated on the other man's facial expressions, seeing how his lips pulled into a thin line.

Kyungwon chuckled nervously as he glanced out of one of the gigantic windows at the side and brushed through his hair.

“Well, yeah, it's kinda hard not to.”

_ Because you're leading him on, just like Kihyun said. _

“I think that my behaviour is making it hard on you and on Hyungwon. I should stop. I like you, I really do, but we're- we're so intimate with each other, Hyungwon will misunderstand and you will keep liking me and I will keep accidentally jumping you. I need to clear this up.” Hoseok swallowed audibly and clenched his hands into fists at his sides.

“So, basically you're saying that we touch each other too much and you think that I won't get my shit together unless we stop, topping the whole thing off with Hyungwon getting hurt.” The other man took a deep breath before chuckling. “I didn't think that touching hands was such a big deal, wow.”

_ He doesn't understand, Hoseok. _

Taking a deep breath, Hoseok turned towards Kyungwon and took his big hand, intertwining their fingers and leaning into his personal space while licking his lips. He stopped when there were only a couple of centimetres between their faces.

“Are you telling me this feels the same as sitting on the couch next to me? Does it?”

The black-haired man visibly swallowed before perfectly straight teeth settled on his bottom lip and big eyes escaped his penetrating stare.

“No,” Kyungwon whispered.

“I know, and it's not the same for me either. It confuses me and feelings mix up in my head. It gets complicated and I don't want it. It's not only about me thinking that you won't get your shit together or whatever, it's also me. I'm trying to find a good solution, so that we can be close without creating a confusing mess for ourselves and hurting Hyungwon in the process. Do you understand what I mean?” he asked before taking Kyungwon’s chin and moving his face towards himself. “Look at me.”

The black-haired man instantly looked back, eyes wide like Hoseok’s raised voice caught him off guard.

“I do, I just prefer touching you of course, and I never had to hold back before,” Kyungwon replied quietly. “But I know that it's selfish and I understand. Hyungwon is more important to me than that. Just like you are.”

The beautiful man licked over his lips and smiled, reaching out to place his hands on Hoseok’s shoulders.

“May I have a goodbye kiss though? I'll keep my distance after that.” Kyungwon's voice was low as usual, only his words were chosen more carefully.

“You can still hug me and place your hand on my shoulder or whatever, just, let's keep it simple, I really don't want Hyungwon to feel bad and I don't want to hurt you either. It's already hard like this, looking at you and telling you this, I don't want to lead you on, I want you to be happy,” Hoseok elaborated, gesturing with both hands while looking at Kyungwon’s handsome face.

“I know, Hoseok, I want you to be happy too." The other licked over his lips as his right hand travelled along the outline of Hoseok’s neck, index finger curling a strand of hair around it. It felt like Kyungwon was trying to memorize the features of his face, eyes jumping from his forehead and eyes to his cheeks and finally to his curved lips.

Watching his facial expressions, Hoseok felt overwhelmed. He tried to distinguish, to find the difference from Hyungwon's face and his mimics, but there were none. Kyungwon looked at him as if he was someone incredibly precious, someone important, someone loved.

_ It's because he loves you too. _

His feelings were a mess, he wasn't able to determine the share of the empathy and affection he felt towards Hyungwon's brother from the love he felt towards Hyungwon himself. Everything intertwined and created a rollercoaster inside his brain.

“Fuck, I'm so sorry,” he whispered and curled his arms around the other man's waist.

Kyungwon hugged back, merely humming and stroking over his hair in slow motions. The other's long fingers were slipping in between single strands and followed them all the way to his neck, just to repeat the motion.

“Why would you apologize? It's not like you gave me a love potion,” the black-haired man remarked with a laugh. Kyungwon slipped into his controlled self so easily, appearing unconcerned.

“Because I keep doing dumb things. I need to stop. I never thought of myself as someone who deserved a lot of love, but here you are, showering me with it for no reason. Let's be friends, Kyungwon,” Hoseok whispered and brushed a loose stand behind his small, equally curled ear. He smiled and leaned in for the kiss the other man had asked for, as a goodbye present.

“Let's be friends,” Kyungwon echoed, voice barely a whisper as he tightened the way his arms curled around Hoseok’s neck and bridged the last few centimetres between their lips. The kiss was tender, a soft touch of their mouths, until Hoseok could feel a warm tongue lick over his bottom lip. He exhaled through his nose and parted his lips at the sensation.

The other man seemed so desperate, pulling their bodies flush and gasping into Hoseok’s mouth. The kiss increased in pace as Kyungwon tilted his head and licked inside his mouth, hot air tickling Hoseok’s cheek whenever the black-haired man breathed out through his nose.

Hoseok had known that a discussion about being friends wasn't supposed to end with both of them kissing, but it felt as if Kyungwon needed it, so he went with it, licking into the other man's warm mouth and stroking over his black hair.

_ Just don't touch him, Hoseok. He's not Hyungwon. He's not. _

Kyungwon melted into the intimate embrace, leaning against Hoseok until he curled his long fingers around his chin and finally broke the kiss. Warmth remained on his lips although the contact was gone.

“Thank you,” the black-haired man whispered and leaned back, sad smile remaining on his lips.

Hoseok felt like crying. His throat clogged up and he stood up from the red leather couch, glancing down at the familiar face that looked so fucking sad.

“This is hard,” he whispered before walking towards his shoes and pulling them over his feet. “I would say come whenever you're sad, but that's not the point, is it?” He felt the tears crawl up and opened the door, walking out of the gorgeous loft and leaving everything behind. He was supposed to gain something from talking to Hyungwon's brother, but why did it feel like he had lost something instead?

_ 

  
  


It seemed strange to have boxes inside his room instead of the order he had established over the past four years. 

Hoseok opened the light blue container and took one of the freshly baked caramel waffles Susan had brought after hearing that he was moving in together with Hyungwon. The older woman had been so ridiculously happy that she had hugged him for minutes, stroking his hair and telling him that he had done well.

The waffle was delicious but the buzzing of his phone ripped him out of his joy. After taking a look at the screen his mood was ruined.

_ Mom. _

His mother hadn't called since the one time Hoseok had refused to do what she wanted and they hadn't talked otherwise. His dad and brother had been trying hard to persuade him to apologize, but he didn't see the point.

_ But you have to pick up. _

“Hey,” he picked up, sat down on the floor cross-legged and leaned against one of the heavy, white boxes that harboured his stuff.

“I heard you're moving in with the depressed boy. Don't you think it's unnecessary to play Mother Theresa if you're not even able to do a single thing I ask you to do?” It felt unfair, of course it did. He had wished for his mother to take interest in his problems and opinions at least once, but it always resulted in her trying to make him feel guilty.

“I'm not Mother Theresa and I'm not doing it out of pity either. I love him and I want to be together with him. Why do I have the feeling that you're always worried about yourself? What about me? What would you say if I was depressed? Or let's take someone you really care about, Changkyun for example. Would you also laugh and call him mental?” Hoseok got angry, closing his eyes and exhaling sharply.

“Why would he be depressed? He has stuff to do and is working hard, people don't get depressed if they have something to do.” His mother had always been so full of herself but he had somehow never considered to educate her.

_ You should've pointed it out to her. _

“It's bullshit, mom. Everyone can get depression, it's a mental illness, it's not a decision either, it's more-" He was interrupted by a furious looking Kihyun who ripped the phone out of his hand and held it against his ear, breathing heavily.

“And now you listen to me, you ignorant human. It might look like bad temper and ugly behaviour, but you have no idea what that feels like, it's not unhappiness, it's much darker, scarier, like an implosion of self. You feel like a half-living ghost, you feel confused, disoriented, making decisions feels like trying to crawl out of a barrel filled with lead. You lose yourself and end up being two dimensional, like a bad drawing, you can't access your personality or your brain capacity. It's like living in a constant agonizing fear while not even knowing what it is you're afraid of. Often you get this feeling in your chest, similar to when someone dear to you died, just that no-one died apart from yourself maybe and you're alone trying to look at the world but you're behind a sheet of semi-opaque ice. Sometimes you get up and go out just to have the wish to scream your heart out in the middle of the street, you feel like vomiting without having a mouth. Sure, it's unattractive to be around someone who feels apathetic, drowns in self pity, guilt and pessimism, it requires unusual tolerance from family and friends, but it's a horror and it's real and it deserves sympathy and help.” Kihyun had tears running down his cheeks while he talked and Hoseok stood up, curling his arm around the other man's shoulders and taking away the phone.

“I don't expect you to be a nice parent, mom. Just be a decent human being for once,” he whispered into the silence on the other end of the line and hung up.

_ She doesn't need you, but your friends do.  _

_

 

He sprinted to the familiar house as fast as he could. He didn't have any urgency to do so, but the experiences of the past day had made him miss Hyungwon so much. After feeling sad and lost, mostly because of saying his symbolic goodbyes to Kyungwon and crying in Kihyun's arms for an hour, he felt like having Hyungwon curled around his body and staying like that for hours, just stroking his hair and kissing his golden skin. 

_ It's selfish, but he might want that too. _

Pressing the bell, he brushed his hair back and looked down on himself. He was wearing a dark blue t-shirt and blue, ripped jeans. Blue was his favourite colour.

There was a bit of shuffling until the dark wood finally moved and revealed his boyfriend in all his tall glory, wearing a fluffy, black bathrobe. He looked adorable, his waist incredibly slim and his legs mostly covered by the soft fabric. The other man's eyes appeared even bigger due to the wet black hair that hid his forehead.

Hoseok tilted his head to the side before stepping closer and lifting the seam of the bathrobe, revealing that Hyungwon hadn't been wearing any underwear and showing his pretty, golden thigh.

“It's you. Good,” he commented and grinned.

The change was sudden as Hyungwon's eyebrows pulled together and his lower lip curled upwards, transparent liquid collecting above his bottom lid. Until it suddenly spilled, running down his rosy cheeks. The beautiful man grabbed two fists full of his soft bathrobe and just sank to the ground, right in front of the door, sobbing uncontrollably.

_ Oh no, fuck. _

Hoseok crouched down and wrapped his arms around Hyungwon's waist, pulling him into his embrace and lifting the other man's body up.

“What's wrong? Are you crying because of me? Fuck, I'm sorry,” he muttered and pressed Hyungwon closer, stepping inside the apartment and taking him along.

The black-haired man just shook his head furiously, only crying harder while holding onto Hoseok’s body desperately. Hyungwon's nails scratched over his arms and shoulders, probably unintentionally.

“It's- I'm just so fucking sorry,” his boyfriend forced out, hiding his head again and whimpering against Hoseok’s shoulder.

“But why would you be sorry, Hyungwon? You didn't do anything. Did something happen while I was gone?” he asked and slipped out of his shoes, lifting Hyungwon up and carrying him to the bedroom.

The other didn't reply and merely sniffed helplessly, curling his legs tighter around Hoseok.

“K- Kyungwon was here and-" Hyungwon drew a deep breath, visibly struggling to talk. “He- he cried so much, Hoseok, he couldn't stop and- he doesn't have anybody but me, but- but I'm the reason and-" The other man's voice broke, tears running down his cheeks with newfound strength.

_ Shit. It's because of you, Hoseok. _

He let himself fall on top of the bed, taking the black-haired man along, and stroked over Hyungwon's back lightly.

“You're not the reason, Hyungwon. I'm the reason. I went to his house and I talked to him. I made him sad. I'm sorry, don't cry.” Hoseok placed a kiss on the other man's forehead and wiped a few tears that were running down his cheeks.

“No, I am, he wants to be me, I know he does, but it's pointless. He's so wonderful and should just- I hate him feeling like this. I hate it so fucking much, Hoseok. I just want to faint and wake up when this is over.” Hyungwon spoke quickly, stutter disappearing and leaving room for utter desperation, big hands holding onto the blankets and soaking Hoseok’s t-shirt.

It was hard to see Hyungwon devastated like this, he could only imagine how the other man's twin brother must've felt after Hoseok had told him to not touch him anymore before making out for the last time.

_ You're an asshole, Hoseok. _

“But he can't be you and he shouldn't be you, just like you shouldn't be him. He needs time to deal with this situation and I wasn't able to comfort him because it would've ruined the whole point. I'm sorry that you had to see him devastated like that. I wish you both wouldn't be constantly sad because of me. How can I make you feel better? I really want you to be happy and not sad.” Curling his arms around Hyungwon's slim shoulders, Hoseok let the black-haired man rest on his chest while pressing him closer.

_ Is it okay to make him unhappy like this? _

“Hold me close, please- Hoseok, please- just hold me,” Hyungwon mumbled, moving his head from side to side and rubbing over Hoseok’s skin. He sounded so devastated, like every word was painful to pronounce, body giving up and lying limply on top of him. “I know you should let me go, but- please hold me.”

“I don't want to let you go, Hyungwon. You know, I guess that love is not about being happy together, I think it's about the decision to accept a person completely, my decision was made, you are this person and I won't let you go. I think I will make you sad and unhappy, devastated and scared, but I will also make you happy, I will make you feel joy and most of all I will try to make you feel so much love that you are not able to take it anymore because you're so full of it. Just let me.” Hoseok leaned back a little to examine the expression on Hyungwon's face. For the first time he thought that it was okay for someone else to cry because of something he had done.

_ It was the right decision. It's okay, Hoseok. _

Hyungwon sniffed before he stopped suddenly, lips parted and eyes wide. It seemed like the beautiful man had suddenly realised something, as if Hoseok’s words had hit a nerve.

“Hoseok, you- you make it sound like-" he sniffed again, lifting his head and staring at Hoseok intently, “like I'm not the only one who's miserable. Aren't people supposed to be happy- fucking happy together and eat rainbows or whatnot? I- I never feel like that.”

“Well, I think that life is not only black and white, actually it's pretty much grey too, and sometimes it's also yellow, green or blue. If it's black for you, I'll try to colour it blue for you. Blue is my favourite colour.” Hoseok smiled and kissed Hyungwon's plump lips. 

“You don't need to, Hoseok, because-" Hyungwon inhaled as the tiny hint of a smile pulled at the corners of his mouth. “Because you already are. Every colour that I drain from what is around me, you take it and infuse it right back, painting it like a canvas. I love you, Hoseok.”

Two people could sleep in the same bed and still feel incredibly alone when they closed their eyes, but him and Hyungwon weren't like this. There was this kind of connection between them, the factual knowledge that the other person was there and they therefore wouldn't feel lonely.

“I love you too, Hyungwon. Thank you for being with me.” He kissed the other man's beautiful lips and stroked over his semi-wet hair.

For the first time he had the feeling that it would be okay. That he would be able to help Hyungwon to get better, that they would manage it. Although the black-haired man still soaked his shirt in tears, he felt strangely happy. 

And it was okay.

 

***

  
  


His fingertips passed from one spine of a book to the next, gliding along the whole length of the big, brown bookshelf in his living room. For approximately two seconds, Hyungwon's index finger stopped on the Oxford handbook of clinical dentistry, brushing over the thick cover. He smiled briefly, strangely calm at the sight of it although nothing was really decided yet, at least not completely.

_ You still need to talk to him for it to be final. _

Hyungwon kept his smile and removed his hands from the bookshelf. He would have checked if there was any dust on his fingers but since Hoseok had moved in, one might have thought an ethereal being lived in their apartment, unable to make anything dirty.

_ He's pretty thorough if he even dusts off the books. _

He grinned at the effort and made his way to the kitchen, staring at the coffee machine in thought. Hyungwon had hated using it before, feeling like he was wasting good coffee on himself instead of just drinking the instant one like he should have. Placing a cup under the machine, he sighed at his own crooked decision making skills. 

_ You're also wasting it by letting it stand around on a random shelf. _

It felt crazy how many of Hyungwon's thoughts had needed to be restructured, ones that appeared randomly and without him realizing. Drinking coffee from the machine had been one of them, just like his dislike for everything that concerned his body.

_ Hoseok is a great help there. _

Hyungwon wasn't someone who believed in fate, not at all. He considered it to be rather utopic to think that everything was created just the way it was supposed to be. For that to be true, there were way too many unhappy people and too much unfairness in the world.

_ It would be too easy. _

Fate could have meant that all of his misery had a purpose and wasn't partially his fault. His problems would be something he didn't have to fight against and that was just not how his brain worked. His thoughts were partially his fault, just like everything that happened to him. Depression was him getting the shittier odds and his struggles were due to his own hesitation to get help. It was simple, really.

Meeting Hoseok was luck, a lucky occurrence that he was immensely thankful for.

_ He's amazing. _

It was useless to fight the bright smile that appeared whenever he thought of Hoseok, showing teeth. It was like an immediate sign, much like the blush that spread over his face when his thoughts took a little trip into the inappropriate.

_ You still haven't stopped embarrassing yourself. _

Hoseok wasn't home yet, so Hyungwon had cleaned up a little. The other man was doing so much for him that it was only fair that Hyungwon did a little bit himself. He had sorted the books, vacuumed the apartment and only had to warm up the chicken from yesterday before Hoseok’s return.

_ And you need to tell him. _

His fingers curled up at the disconcerting thoughts that filled his head. All of them were nasty variations of how Hoseok could possibly react, judge him.

_ What if he'll think that you are useless for not pulling through? _

He bit down on his lip painfully, dread spreading until he recognised the pattern, the negative conclusions without any evidence.

_ But why the hell would he think that? He's the one who said it doesn't seem to make you happy, you idiot. _

Hyungwon chuckled at himself and massaged his temples. He really hoped that Hoseok would come home soon, so that the gorgeous, blonde man could tell him if he was being stupid. He knew most times, but other times he didn't realize the typical signs and still cried like an idiot.

_ Luckily it's only once in a while though. _

He felt so much better that it seemed crazy, like a dream even. He had even visited Kyungwon in his loft a week ago, even though he had never been there since half a year before the clinic. The two of them had eaten a mass of shrimp together, watched Hyungwon's favourite Disney movies, all four of them to be exact, and even visited the cafe they had loved going to as kids. It had been amazing, much like a heavy weight was finally lifted from his shoulders. Maybe not really lifted, but he had become strong enough to carry it, to barely feel it at this point.

_ You're getting better, so much better that it feels like you're flying already. _

Hyungwon wasn't sure how to describe it to Hoseok. The other man had asked before, asked what it felt like and whether it was freeing. It was, like leaving a glass box, one that you weren't able to leave on your own, all the while watching the world moving behind it. It had seemed like a shell and whatever was part of him had finally filled it out, turning it into himself.

The sound of a key in the lock returned him to the fact that he had wanted to warm up the chicken before Hoseok’s return.

_ For fuck’s sake, stop spacing out. _

He sighed at himself and pushed the plastic plate into the microwave after covering it with a lid. Kihyun had given him a lecture the last time he visited. It had been on the disgusting shit that began living in the microwave, in the tiny drops of fatty food that littered the top. It had been freaky enough to just use the damn lid.

_ Just distract him until it's done. _

Hyungwon chewed on his lip as he ran towards to hallway to greet Hoseok.

_ Let's see if your face tells him everything again. You have to find a good moment to talk about your plans, Hyungwon. _

The blonde man greeted him with a bright smile before throwing his backpack to the ground and picking it up right after.

“Can you believe it's end of 2018 and I still hate chemistry? Wow, I never thought I could be so consistent,” Hoseok complained and placed his leather jacket on a hook. It had been cold during the last few days. The two of them had even gone shopping and bought a winter coat for the blonde man since he was of the opinion that a leather jacket was perfectly suitable for all temperatures. It wasn't.

Hyungwon laughed and stretched out his arms, waiting for Hoseok to step into them as he usually did.

“I'm glad that- that you're consistent, at least one of us should be,” he commented quietly and thought about his own inability to pull through, chewing on his cheek.

_ But it makes you unhappy. _

There he was being all obvious again, like an open book. Hoseok was always so good at reading his expressions and interpreting them. 

“I made chicken,” Hyungwon said quickly. He didn't want to sound too gloomy, especially since he was actually really happy to see the beautiful, blonde man. “Well, your chicken, but I warmed it up.”

Hoseok jumped into his arms, pulling him against his muscular chest.

“I almost got a heart attack when you said chicken. I thought Kihyun came again, we could start a fucking chicken restaurant at this point. How was your day? You look satisfied, I like it.” The other man's handsome face leaned closer and he placed a kiss on his plump lips.

“I was really productive!” Hyungwon exclaimed until he realised he sounded like a three-year-old that had started a sticker collection. Excited for no reason. “Well, kind of productive I guess. I cleaned the dishes too and sorted some books, put everything aside that we don't really need. How was yours apart from chemistry? Are you hungry?” His hands stroked over Hoseok’s muscular shoulders and he loved how warm the other man was, whilst he froze within two seconds without a jacket.

_ Maybe you should have gotten a winter coat yourself. _

Something in Hoseok's expression changed and he put one hand into the pocket of his ripped jeans.

“Well, I payed Kyungwon a visit,” the blonde man commented and grinned, showing his teeth.

“And?” Hyungwon asked, curiosity spiking up at the expression on Hoseok’s face. He wouldn't have been surprised at a sudden epiphany, but he had no intentions of forcing it either. “How is he?”

“Good, he was nice to me,” Hoseok answered and pulled something out of his pocket, waving it in front of his face so fast that Hyungwon couldn't recognize it. “We're going to the sea after we've eaten the chicken. I didn't know your parents have a holiday home. How rich are they?”

_ The sea? Holiday home? _

Hyungwon's eyes widened as he tried to make sense of what Hoseok was saying. The facts came raining in all at once and he just stared for a few seconds, trying to find the first piece of information.

“Kyungwon- Kyungwon gave you his car?” he finally asked, genuinely shocked as he knew his brother well enough to know that it was more likely to get one’s eyes scratched out than get the key to his Porsche.

“Yes, we're going to take the Porsche and drive to your house by the sea, spending money and watching sunsets while being fucking sappy and touchy. I brought the camera that Kyungwon gave me for my birthday to take a lot of pictures of you. Remember? I really wanted to.” A beautiful smile appeared on Hoseok's face as he lifted him and twirled him around like a potato sack. 

_ His potato sack. _

Hyungwon had been afraid of taking photos, dreading the day Hoseok would actually want to carry through with it. But the way the blonde man beamed up at him, smile contagious and eyes turning into crescents took his breath away.

_ He's going to the sea with you, to the house you spent most of your childhood at. _

“Oh my fucking god,” Hyungwon gasped, holding on for dear life to not turn into a bruised potato sack. “R- really? Oh my god- I- I can show you where to swim and I swear, Kyungwon and me probably buried something in the garden and- can we smear wet sand all over me before you take pictures? Just asking for a friend.” He laughed and bit down on his bottom lip to contain the way his mouth covered most of his face.

“Being buried in sand is not the point, Hyungwon. I'm really looking forward to this.” Hoseok let him go and walked towards the kitchen, getting two plates out and placing them on the table. 

Hyungwon hurried after him to get the warmed-up chicken out of the microwave and distribute it on the two plates, two thirds for Hoseok and one third for him.

“Me too,” he whispered and played with the fabric of his t-shirt.

_ You'll be able to tell him there, Hyungwon. It'll be easier, far away from everything. _

They ate, packed in what felt like three minutes, and got going. Hoseok had a talent for throwing everything into a random bag and leaving without wasting time. Luckily, he had done the same for Hyungwon.

It felt surreal to sit in the comfortable, black leather seats and listen to EDM music at a volume that could have supplied a fucking festival. Hyungwon loved it, excitement bubbling in his chest and pulling memories from back then from the depths of his mind. He still remembered how the house looked, how Kyungwon and him had spent most of their time on the beach, forgetting about everything else and playing until one of the ladies that took care of them called them back.

He was scared too, scared that it wouldn't be the way he remembered it. He didn't want to disappoint Hoseok with his shitty memory, especially with how enthusiastically the other man sang along to the repeated four lines in each song.

“You know why I like EDM music?” Hyungwon suddenly asked him, interrupting the blonde man's particularly well sung high note. Hoseok’s warm palm was on top of his thigh, reassuring somehow.

“Because it's loud and you don't hear your own thoughts?” his boyfriend answered and laughed.

Hyungwon thought about that. It sounded equally reasonable. He could have just busted his eardrums with noise and occasional vocals and attempted to forget himself. But no, that wasn't it.

“No,” he replied with a smile as Hoseok took a turn at Scheveningen, almost at their destination. “Because there are a lot of repetitions, similar to the way I think. It's like the songs move in a circle of thought A and thought B, always returning to A no matter how developed B is. I don't know if that makes sense to you.” He smiled and put his own big palm on top of Hoseok’s, intertwining their fingers and loving the way it felt. It was freeing somehow, driving over the empty streets of a small village at the sea and holding his boyfriend's hand.

_ Just like in a movie. _

“Let's drive right to the beach, Hoseok,” he whispered, suddenly overwhelmed by the silence in the car as his playlist had ended. Everything was so flat around them, the houses resembling the trees, sticking out of the earth at random intervals.

_ It must be lonely here without a special someone. _

“Sure, I packed us cold Coke, the sun will set soon.” Hoseok smiled brightly and turned into a small paved street that led to the beach. Hyungwon remembered the way, street eventually stopping right at the yellow sand. If they wanted to, they could even drive most of the way to the water, watch the sunset.

_ It's unreal. _

“Let's drive all the way to the water,” he whispered until he remembered that Kyungwon would kill them for damaging his car. “Well, as far as we can without damaging the bottom of the car.”

“I'll fight Kyungwon, he'll lose,” Hoseok muttered with a smile and drove further, until they arrived at the fine sand and he turned off the engine. “We're there.”

_ He's right, Kyungwon will lose. _

Hyungwon nodded slowly and watched the way Hoseok’s biceps flexed. The other man must have been a little tired from driving although it hadn't been for long.

“You can sit down on the sand already, I'll get the coke,” he whispered and jumped out of the car. It was so silent apart from the sound of the waves and the wind. Each breath tasted like salt, as if it filled out his whole body with a few deep breaths only. 

_ It still seems unreal. Usually you were here with Won. _

He opened the trunk with a button and looked through the few bags Hoseok had thrown into the car along with the luggage. Once he found the coke, he took two cans and joined the blonde man at the edge of the water. It was a little risky with how little space remained between the crashing waves and the other's Converse sneakers.

“Aren't you afraid to get wet?” Hyungwon asked as he pressed the sand down to fit the form of his butt. He was scrawny and it just didn't cushion him from the harsh outside world.

“I'm only afraid of your brother choking me with his bare hands because of the sand in his car. I still have the scar on my back from his attempts at self-defense when I threw him over my shoulder back then.” The blonde man chuckled and opened the can, sipping the dark liquid tentatively.

_ So much to being sure that he'll win a fight. The two of them care too much to fight. _

Hyungwon followed along, opened his can and almost missed the sound of gas leaving it with how loud the waves were. 

_ Back then you always wanted to melt into them, like foam. _

“He's making you look like me, just muscular,” he said with a smile, remembering his own obvious scars. It wasn't meant in a condescending way. Hoseok’s back was still gorgeous and it would always remain gorgeous, especially for him.

Hyungwon could easily identify his thought patterns now, the way he believed a scar on his boyfriend's back wasn't a problem whereas on his own body it was. It wasn't, it was fine. Hoseok liked him and found him attractive, the rest was irrelevant.

_ So you should stop thinking about it so much. _

“Would you- would you take a picture of me?” he asked, surprising himself with the wish to fight back, to push the insecurities to the back and win.

_ You have to fight to win, Hyungwon, nothing is for free. _

“Mhm,” Hoseok hummed and ran back to the car, getting the big Nikon cam and adjusting something while staring at the screen. Kyungwon had really outdone himself with the present, taking over three hours to choose it all the while pulling Hyungwon along by the wrist.

“Do you know when I love your face the most?” Hoseok asked and smiled to himself.

“When I orgasm or sink down on your dick?” Hyungwon asked back, thinking of all the times Hoseok had praised his expression and how much it drove the other man mad. He felt calm until he realised that it had been a little too much for the atmosphere. Shocked, Hyungwon clasped his big palm over his lips although it was too late already. “Oh god- forget I s- said that.”

_ Some things never change. _

Hoseok moved the camera down and stared at him with his mouth open.

“Uhm, let's say I meant when you talk about dancing and I can see happiness all over your face. It's when your lips spread and your eyes jump from one thing to another, how you don't stutter at all and everything just tells me that you're enjoying it so much. I really love it. It makes me happy.”

_ Tell him, now is the time. _

Hyungwon bit down on his cheek, fighting with himself to speak despite hesitation. Hoseok’s words made him emotional and gave him the feeling that he was loved, so it was stupid to believe that the blonde man would judge him, but still it felt like he might.

_ You are giving up everything you worked for until now after all. _

“There is something that I wanted to talk to you about,” he whispered and patted the sand next to him, cool against his palm. He didn't mean to break the blonde’s cheerfulness, but he had to get it out to feel at ease.

_ You need to know if you can really do it, it's not selfish. _

He heard the shutter clicking twice before Hoseok sat down on the sand and turned, resting his head on Hyungwon's lap. The other man's big, dark-brown eyes looked up at him. Hoseok was smiling.

Hyungwon swallowed, watching the way his boyfriend's nose was formed perfectly, nostrils heart-shaped. It was beautiful and fit him so well.

“I-" he started and swallowed again, forcing himself to get the words out. It had been his decision, so he had to stand for it. “I- I know that I'm almost done with my studies, I do. There is only the thesis left and I know that it's a gigantic waste of all the time I invested and all the money my parents paid for me. All the times I forced myself to study and not be depressed would be for nothing. But still-" His emotions were a mess as always, eyes burning although he hadn't even said it yet. “Still, I want to stop, Hoseok. It makes me so fucking unhappy. I can't bare to do it, I hate it and everything related to it. Sure, I should do something useful and earn proper money for myself but- but I just want to dance. I thought about this, I s- swear!”

Hyungwon swallowed again as his voice broke and his lungs closed up. The emotions threatened to wash over him just like the waves that almost reached the tips of his Converse high tops by now.

“You know, since I met you, I think I've never been happier than I am right now. I'm so proud of you for saying that, you have no idea.” Hoseok closed his eyes for a few seconds before continuing. “I can remember when we talked back then and you told me that you would get better, for me. It was on my mind for such a long time, I thought that something was wrong. I thought that you should get better for yourself, because you're important, Hyungwon. You're the most important and I'm so happy that you’re slowly realizing that.”

_ He doesn't mind? _

Hyungwon should have known but his head still liked to play tricks on him, to make the most obvious things seem unlikely.

“You're fine if I drop my studies? Although I've already done so much for it? Wouldn't everybody think that it's a waste? Minhyuk said he would have just pulled through so he could throw the degree in everyone's face when I mentioned doubts a year ago.” Hyungwon let his fingertips travel over the wet sand, enjoying the cool sensation. “Fuck, my mom is going to kill me.”

_ She'll fully replace you with Kyungwon for good. _

“She won't, Kyungwon and me will protect you. Hyungwon, you're more important than other people's expectations, your happiness is more important than pointless suffering. I will support you if that's what you want. I know how many resources it costs you to do this and I'm so incredibly proud. You know, you always told me that you're weak, but it's bullshit. You're the strongest person I know.” Hoseok sat up and grabbed his chin with his thumb and index finger. “You give me the feeling that I can also do anything I want. That's the kind of person you are to me.”

Hyungwon could feel how tears collected in his eyes, just waiting for the right moment to join the water soaking the sand they were sitting on. He knew that it was the right decision, he did. He also knew that Hoseok and Kyungwon would support him, but there was just something about giving up a construct forced upon him by society that made him feel guilty, a little useless even.

“You're always so fucking nice to me,” he whispered and closed his eyes. It was always his way to stop crying, like closing the blinds to abide the sun, but it was dumb. It just broke the thin layer that kept his tears from running down his cheeks. “I love you so much and I want to dance so much. I just know that everybody would call me an idiot for doing this, but I talked to Hyunwoo and- and he'd really like to open a dance school with me. Sure, I'm probably nowhere near good enough, but maybe- maybe I could get there, if you let me.”

“I'm not in the position to be deciding such things for you. I'm in the position to tell you the truth, namely that you're amazing and that you should definitely do something that makes you happy. Fuck everything that makes you unhappy, Hyungwon, wasn't it enough? All this time, I mean. It'll be fine, you can do it and you should do it. I'll help you with the bureaucratic stuff with my Cinderella PhD.” The other man laughed and pressed their lips together.

Hyungwon laughed right into the kiss at that, loving how he barely had the balance to hold on with the angle that their lips met. His right hand dug into the wet sand, cooling against his warm skin.

“Only if you'll also fuck everything that makes you unhappy. Just let me throw money at you so you can do what you like,” he replied and licked over Hoseok’s bottom lip, adding another kiss to his cheek and beautiful nose. Smiling briefly he even licked over his nostrils even though it was stupid. “Just tell me when I'm being wasteful. I really don't want to be a spoiled, rich brat. Fuck- I love you so much, Hoseok, I just want to dance and lie in your arms the rest of the time. Is there no job like that?”

Hyungwon just wanted to breathe in the sea air and keep his lips attached to the blonde man's curved ones, inhale his scent and kiss until the sun set. There was something to the way the sound of the waves accompanied their words. It felt like they stayed in the air, keeping their meaning.

_ Like they are special.  _

“You don't need to throw anything at me, besides yourself maybe. I think it's remarkable how much you've achieved in the past months and how much work you put into yourself. You're absolutely stunning. I'm your number one fan. It'll surely suck in one way or another, it won't be easy and you'll be sad and devastated at times, but it will be okay because it's something that you want and you have me to tell you the status quo, namely that you're fucking amazing.” Hoseok's face was glowing in the rays of sunshine.

_ And you know for certain that he means every word. _

Hyungwon took a deep breath and fucked conduct, throwing himself on top of Hoseok, so that both of them landed on the wet sand, cold water covering their shoes and jeans. The heavy fabric stuck to his skin just like he attached his lips to Hoseok’s, licking into the beautiful man's mouth and fisting the soft strands of his blonde hair. It felt intense, like throwing himself down a waterfall without a single thought or regret. Not because he wanted to die, but because he wished to feel the thrill, to drown in the perceptions. 

Hoseok kissed back, curling his arms around him and turning them.

“Such a mess, such a beautiful mess.”

It was overwhelming, the way the beautiful man above him looked at him, brown eyes opened wide as if Hoseok wished to take in every second, to engrave it in his memory. 

The remaining wetness of the ground soaked Hyungwon's t-shirt but he couldn't give a single shit. His lips were pulsating from their heated kiss and sand stuck to his hair. He didn't need to see himself to know that his face was on fire, melting just from the way the blonde man looked at him.

“Me?” he asked hesitantly and bit down on his bottom lip.

“Us,” Hoseok answered and looked at him, affection visible in the other man's brown eyes that were only looking at him. “But it's okay.”

_ It is, it's okay because you'll be fine. _

It still felt unusual to have the thought, to have the knowledge that he would be okay in the end. Of course Hyungwon couldn't say for sure and couldn’t promise it, but there was something about the way Hoseok looked at him and the way he himself felt while looking back. The situation alone told him that both of them were willing to work on it, that he didn't have to drown in his own thoughts and wait for the pain to end anymore. He was able to pull himself out even if Hoseok didn't.

_ It might come back but you know how to deal with it. _

It wasn’t utopia, his depression wasn’t going to disappear suddenly because Hyungwon wanted it to. That's not how the world worked. He wouldn't be able to free himself from his negative thoughts and the emotional pain that overwhelmed him once in awhile. He still had to cross the distance, to make his way through the water. 

But instead of letting the masses drown him, he had learned how to swim.

“It's okay,” he echoed, reaching out and pulling Hoseok closer, watching the way the minimal light was reflected in the other man's eyes. “Because I want to be okay.”

_ And you will be. _

 

 ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blue came to an end...but we have written a sequel in the meantime (The Perfect Copy) and will start publishing it soon! 
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